Apocalypse of the Dead.

Also known as “Zone of the Dead”, I don’t know a Hell of a lot about this movie, other than the fact that it was made a few years ago and manages to star “Dawn of the Dead” ass kicker Ken Foree.  That’s got to mean something.  Either the movie is good, or Ken Foree needed to eat.  It is a Serbian film… so there’s that that already sets it apart from the pack, at least a little.

[...]

Lovelock: Why was Ken Foree in Serbia?

Starkwell: Alright, this one looks REALLY cheap.

Lovelock: The film stock looks like the same as those CBC Original shows used in the eighties.

Starkwell: I’m not letting you work in another "Littlest Hobo" reference.

Lovelock: I was actually thinking "Kids In the Hall".

Starkwell: I actually find it has the quality of those Mexican soap operas.

[...]

Some of the actors have been overdubbed, others not.  With the exception of a couple of main characters EVERYONE has a thick accent.

[...]

Starkwell: Why would two Serbians speak to each other in English?

[...]

Then a bunch of soldiers are monkeying around with their pistols, as people do, and shoot a hole in the HUGE freight train parked next to them carrying some kind of nerve gas, that I assume is about to make everyone go all zombie.  This just might be one of the dumbest causes for an outbreak ever.  On the bright side, the running and rabid style zombies don’t look half bad.

[...]

[Ken Foree and some other agents are to escort a criminal dude to somewhere.]

Lovelock: ESCORT MISSION??!?!?!  If this were a video game, I would shut it off now.

[...]

There’s a whole evil military thing starting to play out, it’s all pretty cookie cutter.  The escort mission has officially gone awry, and they are now smack dab in the midst of a real zombie apocalypse.  A zone of the dead, if you will.  An apocalypse of the dead.  Then there was a really fucking amazing car stunt and Lovelock FLIPPED OUT.  Then they find a few survivors who are, obviously, scantily clad girls with huge cans.   There’s some kind of super soldier dude who is out there alone killing zombies.  He’s unstoppable, it seems.  Also… Great gore.

[...]

[One of the main old dudes has been bitten and his wound looks disgusting.]

Starkwell:  GROSS.

[Ken Foree and Infected Hand Wound Old Man have a heart to heart.]

Lovelock: This is just lke that movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman… you know the one about the shit list?

Starkwell: “Bucket List”?

Lovelock: More like bucket of shit.  That movie needed a zombie outbreak.

[...]

[They find a severed head that still wiggles!]

Lovelock: Wait did that guy say it was from Chernobyl?

[Old Man turns, Main Girl shoots his brain.]

Lovelock: It’s about FUCKING TIME.

[...]

Something they just noticed is that the characters don’t really have names.  PROFESSOR and PRISONER and etc.

[...]

[Ken Foree says “It’s dawn” when they step outside.]

Lovelock: Oh I GET IT.

Starkwell: Bravo.

[...]

[Ken Foree is surrounded by zombies… but these ones don’t run… all of a sudden…]

Starkwell: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… CONSISTENCY is important.

[...]

The movie drags a little, but it is pretty action packed.  At the ninety minute mark there is an all out war between the surviving main characters and a huge group of zombies.  There is head splitting, gunplay, and Ken Foree saying cheesy one liners.  What more do you need?  Well, story, I suppose.

[...]

[Prisoner runs off into the sunset alone.  And it’s like it was set up for a sequel.]

Lovelock: I kind of wish there was a sequel.  I’d watch it.

Starkwell: Strangely enough, I think I would too…

[...]

Good?  Kind of, I guess.  Miles better than anything the Asylum puts out?  Absolutely.  By all rights, Lovelock and Starkwell should have hated this movie, but they didn’t.  They even, dare I say, had fun.  An unexpected delight.

Return of the Living Dead Part II.

Some film series are great from first film to last.  Others take a couple of movies before they really veer off into the great unknown land of turds (think “Lethal Weapon” or the “Die Hard” films).  And others, like the “Re-Animator” films, took a massive nosedive IMMEDIATELY following the first film.  Given Dan O’Bannon’s excellent first film… I’m a little worried to see where this second installment will end up in the hands of writer-director Ken Wiederhorn.  The good news is, he was the guy that wrote and directed “Shock Waves”.  The bad news is he also later directed the “sequel in name only” to “Meatballs”.  Have at it, boys.

[...]

[Soldier driving truck full of Trioxin cans gets high and listens to bad music, when he hits a tiny pothole, canisters of Trioxin fly into the river.]

Starkwell: Don’t get me wrong, I get the notion of a wildly irresponsible army dude smoking weed while driving toxic materials… but you’d think they would have fastened the canisters in a little better… or maybe even, oh I don’t know, PUT A FUCKING BACK ON THE TRUCK!

Lovelock: Yeah but then we wouldn’t have a movie.  I, for one, applaud the shitty writing.

[...]

[Two bullies force a kid to join their club. While trying to beat him up near a cemetery, they find a canister and open it up.]

Lovelock: KIDS?!??!?!  This ain’t good…

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were a little confused by the fact that two of the actors from the first movie are in this one as well, except that they aren’t playing the same characters… which makes sense since they died in the first one.  Anyways, now they’re stealing shit from graves to pawn for money.  The gas from the canister starts trickling into the cememtery.

[...]

[One of the Bully Kids is sick, from breathing in the Trioxin dust.]

Lovelock: Had better not all be centered around a zombie kid.

[Dorky Kid goes back to cemetery, runs into a tar man.]

Lovelock: HOORAY!

[Dead people start emerging from the ground!]

Lovelock: I’m feeling better.  A lot better.

[...]

It becomes pretty clear pretty quickly that this movie will have no problem being “goofy”, as we have already heard the now famous “brains!” a few times, and have witnessed all sorts of zombie physical comedy. Then the main girl, the lovely Brenda, punches through a zombies head, and there was much rejoicing in the crowd.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m willing to forgive the use of annoying ass kids if there is to be more face punches like that.

Starkwell: I’m willing to forgive the horrible soundtrack, over-the-top zaniness, and atrocious acting if… no… actually I’m not, not under any circumstances.

[...]

If the movie wasn’t trying SO HARD to be “funny” and “kerrrrazy”, it would probably be much better than it is.  As Starkwell said, a severed rotting zombie head speaking in a bad southern accent telling them to “get tha’ damn screwdriver outta my head” isn’t funny it’s “absolutely lame, in every way.”

[...]

Starkwell: It bugs me when a movie can’t make up its mind about what kind of zombies it has in it…

Lovelock: It always bugs me when you won’t shut up during the good scenes.

Starkwell: THESE are the good scenes?

[...]

Then one of the actors who was IN THE FIRST FILM says to the other “I feel like we’ve been here before, like it’s a dream I’ve had before”.  He did everything but wink at the camera.  There are some great zombie kills and the effects are decent enough.  I mean, actually, some of the effect work is really cheesy, but as Lovelock said, “it’s always nice to go back and see proper non-CGI zombies”.

[...]

Starkwell: Inconsistency number a million: if these zombies want to eat human brains, why would they be eating animals at the pet store?

Lovelock: Inconsistency number please shut up.

Starkwell: And why do they run sometimes, but then most of the time shuffle around?

Lovelock: Because no one cares.  Especially not the writers.

Starkwell: Wait a minute… that one can drive a car?

Lovelock: Alright, I’ll admit, that’s super weak.

[...]

[It turns out that the zombies can be stopped by electrocuting them, so the “heroes” round up all the zombies in town into a big puddle and shock them.]

Starkwell: We’re just supposed to buy that they managed to get all of the zombies there?

Lovelock: I guess…

Starkwell: And that the eight year old kid can figure out how to drive stick in five seconds?  ANd reach the pedals in a huge truck?

Lovelock: Umm…

[...]

Anyways, before it’s all over, we end up seeing a fight between Dorky Kid and Zombie Bully Kid, a super lame “Michael Jackon’s Thriller” joke, and another shot of bad southern accent severed head zombie from before… who’s there somehow.  Talking.  Ugh.

Dead Heist.

Some sort of gangsta film about zombie monsters interrupting some guys trying to rob a bank, “Dead Heist” promises to be a challenging watch for the guys.  I mean the star is BIG DADDY KANE.  The bright side is that it isn’t very long.

[...]

[Intro music and credits play.]

Lovelock: This sort of looks like the worst music video you’ve ever seen.

[...]

Starkwell was IMMEDIATELY annoyed by the useless curse words inserted everywhere in the dialogue, and BOTH Lovelock and Starkwell wished that the film had not included the bald white guy who, for whatever reason, is trying to sound like a tough black guy, unconvincingly.

[...]

[Four dudes plan a bank heist at a coffee shop.]

Lovelock: These four dudes are dumb as balls.

Starkwell: And the acting is not helping this be any more convincing.

[...]

[They go to see their friend Hustle, the pornographer.]

Lovelock: That looks like the worst porno ever.

Starkwell: You would know?

Lovelock: What? No… ummm… whatever.

[...]

Lovelock: Holy shit this movie is really bad.  Also, where are the zombies?

[...]

Starkwell: There’s just so much useful dialogue.  Not.

[...]

[Big Daddy Kane tells Lame Whiteboy about the VAMPIRE ZOMBIES.]

Starkwell: Why would you walk up to a random guy shopping for hunting knives and tell him about zombies?

Lovelock: To be nice?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: Because this movie makes no sense and sucks?

Starkwell: There it is.

[...]

[They try and rob bank.]

Starkwell: So, let me get this straight, even though they are there with guns, the cop woman is able to walk ten feet over to the desk, set off the silent alarm, return to the place she was, ten feet away, and no one saw her?  Fuck this.  I’m out.

Lovelock: But we haven’t even seen the zombies yet.

Starkwell: I’ll live.

Lovelock: Hopefully most of these characters won't.

[...]

Just in time to miss them shoot two random people, and what appears to be some kind of love story between the cop lady and Lame Whiteboy.

[...]

Lovelock: The sheriff wants to let them leave, if they leave the money?  They killed two cops, and the sheriff is like, “hey leave the money, and we’ll let you go.”  Holy shit, Starkwell was right to leave.

[...]

I believe Lovelock is only holding on to see what the zombies are.  And there they are!  But considering we are two thirds through the movie, it’s beginning to feel a little late for a new element. Especially one that makes no sense.

[...]

Lovelock: There were more people than that in the bank, but now all of a sudden there are only the main characters.  What a farce.  I guess they could only afford five actors at once.

[...]

Anyways, then Lovelock fell asleep.  All he missed in the last twenty minutes was bad dialogue and the dumbest fucking plot ever.  Oh, also, Lame Whiteboy’s ‘accent’ keeps going in and out.

Bloodlust Zombies.

A 2010 straight-to-video film that features a porn actress in the starring role is almost guaranteed to be awful.  I’m surprised Starkwell and Lovelock haven’t already left the room.

[...]

[Scientists experiment on cats.]

Lovelock: Awww… look at the kitties.

Starkwell: Did you say kitties or titties?

Lovelock: Does it even matter at this point?

[...]

Worst acting ever, set design that looks like it was thrown together by five year olds, dialogue that sounds as if written by a drunken fifth grader… I don’t know how long this will last.

[...]

Starkwell: High powered military scientists, and those plastic champagne glasses are all they can afford?

[...]

Porn Star gets naked for crusty old dude, and Starkwell leaves.  Then Lovelock leaves.  Then I shut it off.  Hopeless.  How does bullshit like this get made?  Boobs, I guess.

Outpost.

How the Nazi zombie thing ever took off as a sub-genre will always be a bit of a mystery to me.  At least the more recent incarnations doesn’t have them coming out of the water like the AQUATIC Nazi zombie movies, a sub-genre within the sub-genre.  As far as Nazi zombie films go, Steve Barker’s “Outpost” is supposed to be as straightforwardly scary as they come.  No comedy here, just scary Nazis coming back from the dead to terrorize people, and in this case, Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

[British soldier takes group of soldier/mercenaries on a secret mission.]

Lovelock: When a creepy British guy tells me not to take a job, honestly, I probably wouldn’t take it.

Starkwell: Decent advice, I’d say.

Lovelock: Interesting mix of characters… It’s nice to see all of the countries getting along.

Starkwell: Yeah, for the right price.

[...]

The movie then gets really creepy really quickly, as the soldiers enter some abandoned bunker and find old Nazi experimentation and torture type shit.  Lovelock and Starkwell were LITERALLY at the edge of their seats.  I’ve never seen anyone lean towards a television quite that hard.

[...]

[Soldiers find pile of dead bodies, American Soldier finds Nazi flag.]

Lovelock: GAAAAAAAh that one’s alive.

Starkwell: Who stays in a place after finding all this?

Lovelock: Characters in a SCARY FUCKING MOVIE.

[...]

[British Mission Leader explains the weird device to British Soldier.]

Lovelock: So basically this guy is like a slightly creepy and evil Indiana Jones.

Starkwell: Indiana Jones fights the Nazis.  This guy is trying to harness their power…

Lovelock: No time for love Doctor Jones.

[...]

The dead body pile starts cricking, cracking and moving and Lovelock let out a little gasp of horror.  Then the Nazis have them surrounded in a flash of light and a gust of ice wind.  Then they’re gone and so is Russian Soldier.  Now Lovelock and Starkwell aren’t just on the edges of their seat.  They are off the couch in a chair squat ready to jump and run away scared.

[...]

[Eyeball gag.]

Lovelock: Rusty bullet to the eye.  “Outpost”, one, every other movie, zero.

[...]

The action then skyrocketed as Nazi zombies explode people’s brains with their bare hands and vanish without a trace.

[...]

[Turns out creepy bald guy is actually a Nazi, he kills the Scottish Soldier first.]

Lovelock: That’s why you never steal a Nazi zombie’s watch.

Starkwell: That’s certainly one reason why.

[...]

[They hatch a plan to stand guard while scientist dude does some sciencey shenanigans to stop the Nazi zombies.]

Starkwell: So the American Soldier is... into this?

Lovelock: I don’t know… but it certainly doesn’t seem like a good time to get stoned.

Starkwell: Yeah, “smoke’em if you got’em” shouldn’t be applied to a Nazi zombie life or death scenario.

[...]

Lovelock: I think if I ever wrote a movie with battle scenes, I would make it the first one to not have a commander screaming “HOLD…. HOLD… HOLLLLLLLDD…” at some point.

[...]

Well Captain Science sort of figures it out, but then the device explodes and the Nazis get back up, and proceed to have a STABBING FRENZY upon Irish Soldier.  Also everyone dies.  Horrifying movie.  Good horrifying, not bad horrifying.  Apparently there is a prequel set to come out this year. Starkwell and Lovelock exclaimed, in unison, that they cannot wait.

Dead & Deader.

A 2006 Made-for-TV ‘SyFy’ channel movie, “Dead & Deader” was written by Mark Altman.  Altman is no rookie to the Zombie genre, having penned such modern day CLASSICS as “House of the Dead”, and “All Souls Day”.  Wait.  Sarcasm doesn’t seem to come across properly on paper.  When I said CLASSICS back there, the implication was that I really meant TOTAL TURDS.  Let’s see if he got any better with practice.

[...]

[Dean Cain leads an army platoon of dudes into a zombie infested SECRET RESEARCH CABIN IN THE WOODS.]

Lovelock: What’s with the frosted tips?

Starkwell: No man has ever pulled it off ever.

Lovelock: Especially not in 2006.  I think Superman needs to reverse time again and get a new fucking haircut.

Starkwell: Judging by the haircut, I'd say he's stuck in the mid-nineties.

[...]

[Cain wakes up during his autopsy.]

Starkwell: Shouldn’t the doctor be at least a LITTLE bit surprised?

Lovelock: It takes more than a dead guy suddenly reviving to shock this professional army doc.

[Cain cuts his arm open and pulls out a scorpion.]

Starkwell: So… this still does not shock the good doctor?

Lovelock: Dude, they’re trained for this kind of thing.

Starkwell: Yeah, I don’t think that they are.

Lovelock: I think we are neglecting to talk about the more important issue, Dean Cain’s boobies.

[...]

Starkwell continued to make observations about how well the old doctor and the young SEXY girl doctor (who is wearing her hair back and is sporting pointdexter glasses to hide her sexiness) seem to be taking the news of a walking dead soldier.  Then we are introduced to a sassy black fry cook and some bad Dean Cain martial arts, and Lovelock and Starkwell both start laughing.

[...]

Starkwell: Why do the zombies have green blood?

Lovelock: Probably so they can get away with showing this on TV.

Starkwell: Like when they released Mortal Kombat on the Genesis without the blood?

Lovelock: Yeah, but unlike that, we can’t enter a code to turn the blood red.

Starkwell: Maybe not, but we can press stop on the remote which is starting to look like a good option.

[...]

I should notice that everytime it fades to black, for a commercial break, Starkwell stands up, hoping it’s over.  Lovelock actually seems somewhat into it, and keeps telling him to “try and appreciate the cheese.”

[...]

Starkwell: At some point are they going to explain why Superman isn’t turning into a zombie like the others?

Lovelock: Who cares?

Starkwell: Clearly the writers don’t care.

Lovelock: About the explanation?

Starkwell: About us.

[...]

[Midget Zombie bites man in testicles.]

Starkwell: Altman, you’re a class act.

[Cain lobs off zombie head with an axe.]

Lovelock: I don’t know, I think he’s doing an okay job.

[...]

Starkwell: Obviously, the sexy bartender-film-student steals a cop car and decides to join them in their quest to save the world.

[...]

Starkwell: Obviously, they go to a costume shop to get new clothes.

Lovelock: Obviously, Token tries on the cheese hat.

Starkwell: Obviously, we see Susan Ward in her bra and panties.

Lovelock: Do they have to dress the one black actor up like Michael Jackson in “Thriller”?  Are they really going that route?

[...]

The dialogue is some of the worst dialogue ever.  The jokes aren’t funny, the story is stupid, the characters annoying.  It sounds like it was written by a fourteen year old.  In 1996.  It sounds like the kind of dialogue you hear between a nerdy customer at Game Stop and the ‘Comic Book Guy’ working the cash.  In 1996.

[...]

Lovelock: You’d think the Military Police could afford nicer signs.

[...]

Dean Cain jump kicked a door open in slow motion and I honestly think Lovelock almost died laughing.  Three minutes went by and he hadn’t taken a breath.

[...]

[Movie ends.]

Starkwell: So… no explanations?  Just everyone’s dead and Susan Ward wants to bang Dean Cain at a motel down the road?

Lovelock: Do you have a better idea?

Starkwell: For starters, never watch this movie again.

[...]

Much like in the TERRIBLE “All Souls Day”, throughout this movie, the characters reference other movies.  But instead of it ever being some kind of subtle homage, the characters flat out say things like “Do you know what TIE Fighter stands for” or two characters talking about who the best Bond is or Susan Ward explaining the existence of social commentary in Romero’s “Dawn”.  Badly.  However, this time around, Altman didn’t limit it to movies.  Starkwell’s top three incredibly out of place and forced references are: 

1) the video game “Everquest” 

2) Susan Ward saying “Oh Sabbath? Yeah Black Sabbath Rocks”

3) Susan Ward’s character continuously repeating that she knows Krav Maga

Who writes lazy, clumsy, dumb and pointless dialogue like that?  A lame person who shouldn’t be writing movies.  The end.

Flight of the Living Dead.

Some movies are obviously made to try and cash in on growing trends and make a quick buck.  Think of all the vampire caca currently coming out of the woodwork.  Well somewhere midway through the last decade, the popularity of the zombie took off (and is currently cruising around a million feet, for better or for worse).  Well, this “Flight” film actually tried to cash in on two trends at the time.  The increase in zombie interest and the smash unexpected success of a movie about snakes on a plane, called, well, “Snakes on a Plane.”  “Outbreak on a Plane”?  For Pete’s sake… Thankfully this plane trend never really took off otherwise we’d have werewolves on a plane, maybe witches on a plane, and especially right now, vampires on a plane.  Although I’m not quite sure how they would protect themselves from the sun.  I should mention that this was another DVD I got at a bargain bin place in Quebec, so, it’s badly dubbed in French, with no English audio option.  

[...]

[Three flight attendants talk about partying and like, dudes.]

Starkwell: What airline would have three flight attendants that look that good?

Lovelock: Airlines in a film.

[...]

[Some sort of military guy in HASMAT gear watches a bin of some kind.]

Starkwell: What airline would have military experiments on board a regular passenger flight?

Lovelock: Airlines in this film.

[...]

The film seems to have a decent budget with semi-recognizable faces.  But Starkwell is having a lot of trouble getting past the incredibly predictable passenger list.  I believe at one point he said “of course there’s a convict handcuffed to a US Marshal.”  Lovelock shouted “that dude was in ‘No Escape’!”  Then they stopped watching for a while because they started talking about “Con Air” for some reason and imitating Cage’s HORRENDOUS southern accent from said film.

[...]

[Tiger Woods guy is in first class, wife complains about hearing about golf.]

Starkwell: If she doesn’t want to hear about golf, why would she marry a pro golfer.

Lovelock: Man, I can’t wait for her to be dead.

Starkwell: How did he get that golf club through security?

[...]

Then they went back to doing bad Nicolas Cage impersonations.  Oh also, there’s a Japanese businessman on board.  And a nun.  And horny teenagers.  And ROGUE PENTAGON SCIENTISTS.  But at least, as Lovelock said, “they don’t waste any time ‘cause I suspect the zombies is comin’!”  Then HASMAT guy sprays machine gun fire all over the cargo bay.  Starkwell rolls his eyes.  Lovelock then recognized an actor from a late eighties cop show called HARDBALL and spent several minutes trying to remember what the premise of the show was.  Consequently, they missed a whole bunch of movie.

[...]

[Still no zombies since that first one.]

Lovelock: I take back what I said… they are wasting a lot of time.

Starkwell: Yeah, I definitely feel like I’m wasting my time.

Lovelock: Hey, at least they are trying to make it about the characters…

Starkwell: Too bad the characters all suck.

[...]

The zombie action eventually picked up, and all the characters that we hate the most seem to die first.  So, at least the film does that right.

[...]

Lovelock: As long as they’re going to cast a pilot that looks exactly like the pilot from “Airplane!” couldn’t they have made him have funny dialogue?

Starkwell: Umm…

Lovelock: Do you like gladiator movies?

Starkwell: I can tell you that I don’t like this movie.

[...]

[Survivors make a bomb and explode the zombie nest.]

Starkwell: First of all, why would the zombies nest like that?  Second, how can you explode the inside of the plane and still be flying?  Third, who is flying the plane, since both pilots are dead?

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure the movie was written by drunken teenagers.  On napkins.

Starkwell: All I know is that I wish real planes were as durable as this one.  They just shot a missile at it, and it’s still kicking.  And yeah, of course the convict knows how to fly and land the plane, in the desert, on fire.

Lovelock: That’s like the first thing they teach you in prison.

[...]

This is cookie cutter zombie fare at its cookie cutterest.  Except, you know, on a plane.  The movie ended and Starkwell and Lovelock were all like [...] “what a pile of shit” [...]  "totally" [...].  I won’t lie, the bad dubbing enhances the viewing experience, but even this unintentional uniqueness can’t elevate this movie above the realm of predictability and stupidity wherein it lies.  Still… good for a laugh.  Salut.  A la prochaine.

Zombie Death House.

Prison. Zombies. John Saxon stars and directs.  A DVD that comes with a certificate warning that it may, in fact, shock me to death.  Expectations are flying high in the room here, and I can’t help but feel like this 1987 film can’t possibly deliver everything that Starkwell and Lovelock are hoping to get from it.  Let’s hope it at least gets an ‘A’ for effort.  Failing that, hopefully they’ll get some good laughs out of it.

[...]

[Bizarre montage, awkwardly cut.]

Starkwell: It takes a special movie to pull off a montage as an opening scene.  This does not seem to be a special movie.

Lovelock: I’m more confused than anything.  Is he banging the mobster’s girlfriend, or is that a flashback?

Starkwell: I think that shot of the jungle was Vietnam.

Lovelock: Maybe that was a flashback.

Starkwell: Umm… well, yeah.

[...]

The movie seems to be throttling forward at breakneck speeds, including some kind of elaborate plot to eventually get the main character, Derek, into prison.  It’s awkwardly paced, edited in a peculiar way and random narration and slow-motion shots cause Starkwell to become increasingly uncomfortable.

[...]

[Enter the Saxon.]

Lovelock: Oh man, Roper is up to his old tricks.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

[...]

Once Derek gets to prison the movie still doesn’t really slow down at all, but one thing that Starkwell noted was that “are we supposed to be rooting for anyone?”  Lovelock said he’s rooting for John Saxon.

[...]

[Dr. Saxon calls up the biochemical engineer that worked on the zombie virus, who is apparently a reporter now.  Because that is the usual career path for scientists.]

Starkwell: Extra, extra, read all about it… this movie blows.

Lovelock: Maybe you’re not watching it properly.  Focus on the awesome.

Starkwell: Where?

Lovelock: Dude… it’s everywhere.

[Prison guard rapes Pretty Boy in his bum.]

Lovelock: Ok, well… not there.

[...]

[Reporters show up, five of them, in an old cheap car.]

Starkwell: What did they do, carpool to the scene?

[...]

Once the inmates organize themselves and start making demands, the movie slows down.  The fact that the first half of the film moved so quickly makes it so that when it slows down, it feels extra slow.  By the time the zombie mayhem started up, it was too late, Starkwell was already fast asleep.

[...]

[The Warden tries to wrestle the pick axe out of Moretti’s hands.]

Lovelock: He just handed the pick axe to him a minute ago.  If he wanted the pick axe, why didn’t he use it when he had it?  STARKWELL!  You’re missing some real winning film making here.

[...]

Then Derek had a sex dream about Blonde Biochemist Reporter.  Likely just as an excuse to show the actress’ boobs.

[...]

[Kid on Skateboard knows the secret way out of the prison.]

Lovelock: Starkwell, seriously, this is incredible… you need to wake up.  They’re following a kid riding on a skateboard.  A skateboard!

[...]

Lovelock started laughing so hard that Starkwell woke up.

[...]

[The group has to walk past a hallway of zombie arms trying to grab them.]

Starkwell: Alright, well that was actually pretty cool.

Lovelock: I told you!  Do you see the awesome now?

Starkwell: No.  Why was there a kid on a skateboard?

Lovelock: You wouldn’t understand.

[...]

The movie ends with ‘splosions, twists and, for some reason, an ass kicking Dead Kennedys song.  Lovelock stands up and starts rocking out all over the room.  Starkwell wishes he had stayed asleep.  I guess they will have to agree to disagree on this one.

Day of the Dead: The Need to Feed.

Hot off the heels of the popular “Dawn of the Dead” remake, someone set out to remake “Day of the Dead”.  Steve Miner, the film’s director, is no rookie to the horror genre, with some impressive titles on his resume, most notably, a Lovelock and Starkwell favourite, 1986’s “House”.  They certainly aren’t shy to name drop Romero all over the box, even though he had nothing to do with the film other than make a good movie twenty-five years ago.  The fact that this 2008 version went straight to video is already not a very good sign.  Did I mention that it stars Nick Cannon?  Let’s see what happens.

[...]

[Teenager coughs up snot, resumes making out with girl.]

Lovelock: I think her standards are a little low.

Starkwell: Much like the casting director’s…

[...]

[Mena Suvari character introduction.]

Starkwell: So that’s why she started turning down those "American Pie" movies, to pursue a more serious acting career…

Lovelock: Harsh.

[...]

They developed the characters a little more, but who really cares?  All Lovelock and Starkwell were able to do was make fun of Nick Cannon’s crusty little moustache, his ‘crustache’ if you will.  At one point Lovelock begged the question “Seriously, how old is he supposed to be?  He looks twelve”, to which Starkwell responded “Mena Suvari’s haircut makes her look like a ‘tween.”  Afterwards Lovelock made fun of Starkwell for discussing haircuts and using the word ‘tween.  And they missed a whole chunk of movie.  They didn’t miss much, and they are yet to see anyone that they really want to root for.  But then, as if by magic, people started turning into zombies and instantaneously decaying and running and eating people, so Lovelock and Starkwell decided to pay more attention.

[...]

[Fast zombies leap tall buildings in a single bound and throw grown men around like footballs.]

Lovelock: So when they say remake, they mean it more like… ?

Starkwell: Not a remake.

[...]

Starkwell got up and started wondering how anyone could actually get away with just a bite wound when the zombies seem to “tear through people like the Tasmanian Devil on speed”.  Also, why did the virus suddenly kick in at the same time for every infected person in town?  Why does it work faster on some than on others?  Why do some peoples’ faces immediately decompose when others do not?  Lovelock shushed him, but then was like, “Seriously though, what the fuck?”  So many questions.

[...]

[People running in front of radio station.]

Starkwell: They used the same shot three times now of those three people running.

Lovelock: I thought you said that a good movie should have consistency?

Starkwell: I don’t think you’re following me here…

[...]

[Suvari is being attacked.]

Starkwell: So the zombies have super powers unless they are going after the main character?

Lovelock: Well duh, otherwise she’d die right away.

[...]

[Main character runs over her Mom without blinking.]

Starkwell: Wait, so she doesn’t want to kill the other soldier yet, in case there's a cure or something... but she felt it was ok to explode her mom into a bajillion pieces with her Hummer?  Right in front of her little brother?

Lovelock: UNIT. CORE. GOD. COUNTRY.  Somewhere after all of that, MOM.

[...]

[They find out the truth about Project Wildfire.]

Lovelock: Why is it whenever a character in a movie wants to kill some sleazeball, someone else says “no it’s not worth it.”

Starkwell: I wish someone had said that to us that before we put the DVD in.

[...]

[The outbreak has been thwarted… or has it?]

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: ...

Starkwell: So... what?

[...]

Military types, horny teenagers, the sleazy guy, the edgy radio host, one-liners, slow-motion deaths, whizzy bullets and ‘splosions.  This was basically a cookie cutter zombie/action/shit film, which just makes the use of the title even more offensive, since Romero’s 1985 epic was anything but.  Miner did a decent job directing, but when you’re handed a terrible screenplay, there’s only so much you can do.  Well, he could have just said NO.  He should have said no.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell agree that they would hate the movie slightly less if it didn’t call itself “Day of the Dead”, but they would still, nonetheless, hate it.

Junk.

Since “Stacy” is the only Japanese zombie extravaganza that I have exposed Lovelock and Starkwell to, I felt I owed the country of Japan an explanation.  Hopefully the turn of the century’s more traditional zombie fare, “Junk” will give Starkwell and Lovelock a better view of the Japanese zombie film.  If this one doesn’t work there’s always “Wild Zero”.  Lovelock’s mad that he will have to read again.

[...]

[Jewelry store heist.]

Lovelock: Why is everyone wearing sunglasses?

Starkwell: Because “The Matrix” had just come out.

Lovelock: That explains the soundtrack.

Starkwell: And the outfits.

Lovelock: Oh shit, a SEGA building!

Starkwell: For a movie that has the evil American military scientists creating zombies, they borrow an awful lot from American films.

Lovelock: Maybe the zombies are a good thing in this one…

Starkwell: Are we supposed to be rooting for these thieves?  Because they just shot a lady.

Lovelock: She was asking for it.

Starkwell: …

[...]

The movie kicked forward, developing characters, pushing the EVIL AMERICAN MILITARY agenda a little more, and leading up to the exchange between the jewel thieves and local Yakuza.  Obviously they plan on meeting in the secret warehouse where the EVIL AMERICAN MILITARY have been conducting their zombie experiments.  As much as most of the characters are incredibly hateable, the one female lead seems to be a decent person.  Before they had time to discuss this any further, a zombie ran a steel rod through a guy’s neck, and both Starkwell and Lovelock applauded.  The movie was very quick to show us that it would not be light in gore and headshots.

[...]

[Jewel for Money exchange.]

Starkwell: He asked to see the money first, they show him a briefcase, and he says “OK.”?

Lovelock: Yeah, kind of dumb.

Starkwell: “Well, he has a briefcase, so it must be full of money.”  I’m glad he’s dead.

Lovelock: ZOMBIE!

[...]

As the bullets flew, and more and more dead people came back to life, Starkwell and Lovelock stayed pretty quiet, thoroughly entertained.  A lot of comments were made about the American Military Mustache Man and the fact that only the main characters’ guns seem to ever run out of bullets.  Apparently the Yakuza have INFINTY BULLETS guns.

[...]

[Naked Female Zombie has computer science skills.]

Starkwell: How would she know how to stop the self destruct sequence?

Lovelock: For the same reason that the Americans have military bases all over Japan.

[...]

[Japanese Scientist mows down some zombies with a machine gun.]

Starkwell: Where would he have learned to shoot like that?

Lovelock: The same place the zombie learned Computer Science.

Starkwell: Well played.

[...]

[Naked computer whiz zombie kills American Soldier.]

Starkwell: After all of this time, why would naked zombie suddenly decide to put on a leather outfit, in slow motion?

Lovelock: You already answered your own question earlier.  It is because the director had just watched “The Matrix”.

[...]

[Leather Dress Super Zombie hops around throwing Japanese Scientist around the room.]

Starkwell: Where the Hell is all of that wind coming from?

Lovelock: Long answer, the same place all of that fog is coming from.

Starkwell: What’s the short answer?

Lovelock: “The Matrix”.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Well, either that or John Woo.

[...]

[Super Zombie comes back, even after a bullet in the head.  With blond hair.]

Starkwell: Why would her hair turn blond?

Lovelock: So that the male stunt double could wear a blond wig.

[...]

As the credits rolled Starkwell and Lovelock agreed that while the film featured a hefty amount of action, and a good amount of old fashioned gore, overall it lacked character.  In fact, what it lacked most were characters that we would actually give a shit about.  I mean, the film ends with them stealing a car.  Well that and that Super Zombie is still alive.  Fun movie, but really fucking stupid.  Also, why is it called "Junk"?

Biozombie.

There weren’t too many zombie films produced in the 90s.  As a result, the ones that were produced have a much bigger hole to fill, unlike the saturated 2000s or the gory excess of the 70s and 80s.  In 1998, a film from Hong Kong, "Bio-Zombie", directed by Wilson Yip, splashed onto the scene with extreme hilarity.  Let’s find out what the guys have to say about it.  Start movie.  Subtitles on. Language original. TOKYO SHOCK!!!!!!!

[...]

[Introducing the main characters and their phenomenal bromance.]

Starkwell: Are they supposed to be the same age?

Lovelock: Who cares, they’re sooooo cool!

Starkwell: But, they’re two grown dudes, hanging around the mall.

Lovelock: Totally.  I bet you like the nerdy sushi chef.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock then got into a discussion, one I’ve heard before, about how Chinese people are just naturally funnier than us.  They got really off topic, and somewhere between “Aces Go Places” and “God of Cookery”, I brought them back to the movie at hand.  Seriously though, they’re right.

[...]

[Some deal between military and sketchy mafia types.  Zombie gets loose.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never deal with the Indian Mafia.

Starkwell: I really don't think that they were Indian.

[...]

[Woody and Bee are responsible for the zombie outbreak in the mall.]

Starkwell: Hit a guy with car, feed him mysterious soda pop, see him be dead in trunk, give nerd purple nurple, play video games… The recipe for disaster.

Lovelock: The recipe for entertainment.

[...]

[Bee takes picture.]

Lovelock: Is that a Gameboy Color?

[...]

Starkwell was impressed with the use of a negative color scheme for the zombie point of view.  Lovleock was impressed with how intense it has already gotten.

[...]

[Zombie Sushi Nerd brings present to Rolls.]

Starkwell: The whole “Frankenstein’s Monster” thing never works in a zombie movie

Lovelock: Yeah, it’s soooo unrealistic.  Like that would happen when the zombies come.

[...]

[It’s Bee’s birthday, Woody forgot.]

Lovelock: The piano music is touching.

Starkwell: I should hate these characters, but I don’t.  I love them.

[...]

[Zombie Sushi Nerd kills cop.]

Starkwell: Did you ever notice how much dust flies off of people when they get smacked, in Hong Kong cinema?

Lovelock: It’s called awesome powder.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell were just sitting back and enjoying this thoroughly entertaining movie.  They were no longer saying very much, they were mostly repeating lines from the movie, choice lines like “You’re a piece of shit!”, “I was taking a dump!”, “Eat shit!”, and of course, “Everybody grab a weapon!”  These may sound generic enough, but when you see those words float across the screen in their beautiful context, it’s truly amazing.

[...]

[Montage of zombie killing.]

Lovelock: Which is your favorite?

Starkwell: I don’t know.  There are so many kills to choose from…

Lovelock: I feel like a kid in a candy shop!

Starkwell: I think the the results are in.

Lovelock: Drill in the mouth.  Unanimously.

[...]

They might get mad when I say this, but when the pair had to part ways, they both cried. 

[...]

[The movie gets real.  Mad real.]

Lovelock: Man, it’s all silly and then BAM, they hit you with the intensity and depressing ending.

Starkwell: I tip my hat to you, Wilson Yip.

[...]

All in all, they one hundred and ten percent loved this movie, although Lovelock thinks it would have been better if the Sushi Nerd was eliminated from the movie entirely and replaced with more footage of Bee and Woody being hilarious.  One of Hong Kong’s few entries in the genre, and an absolute gem.

FILM FEST: The Crazies - Original vs. Remake.

Although not considered a zombie movie, since ‘Les Raisins de la Mort’ is often considered as one, I will count George Romero’s ‘The Crazies’ into the mix.  This is streaming off of Netflix, so, the price is right, now let’s see if it’s worth the time.  Play movie!

[...]

[Enter the leading men, they are not exactly handsome.  Female lead wears a winter hat.]

Starkwell: Ugliest leading man I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: I don’t know he has a certain rugged quality.  She seems to like it.

Starkwell: She certainly has an awesome toque.

Lovelock: There’s two of ‘em!

[...]

[Military doctor, always walking around wearing lab coat and stethoscope.]

Starkwell: Do doctors always walk around with a stethoscope?

Lovelock: That’s how we know he’s doctor, idiot.

[...]

[The military pretty much wants to wipe out the town.]

Starkwell: That’s some seriously evil army dudes.

Lovelock: Whatever, the mayor should get with the winning team.

Starkwell: I think the crazy granny that killed the guy with her sewing needles is on the winning team.

[...]

[There’s a guy with a beard.]

Lovelock: Beard guy sucks.

Starkwell: At acting?

Lovelock: At everything.

[...]

[Still unsure if the female lead is sick, the main characters watch her laughing at a pile of corpses set ablaze.]

Starkwell: She’s laughing at the burning bodies, and they’re not sure if she’s sick?

Lovelock: He can’t see clearly through his thick unibrow.

[...]

[The whole crew of ‘good guys’ seem to be going more and more nuts.  The Trixie virus doesn’t seem to act very quickly on the main crew of ‘good guys’.]

Starkwell: He’s crazy, the other guy’s stupid, the girl’s a flake and the father’s a pervert.  Oh, and she’s still wearing that toque.

Lovelock: Maybe it’s how she keeps the crazy out.

Starkwell: A motley crew indeed.

Lovelock: All things considered, it’s a pretty slow moving virus.

Starkwell: Yeah, more like ‘The Lazies’. 

[...]

[Ugly leading man #1 leaves ugly leading man #2 to fend for himself in a forest.]

Starkwell: I don’t think that he’ll be ok.

Lovelock: Nonsense.  He said he’s going to meet him at the Zebra Club.

Starkwell: Yeah, maybe at the big Zebra Club in the sky.

[...]

[The guy with the beard is back.] 

Lovelock: I repeat, beard guy sucks.

[...]

[At last, the main character decides to put on one of the E.T. Hasmat suits.]

Starkwell: How is it that it took them this long to think of putting on one of those outfits?

Lovelock: There was no other opportunity.

Starkwell: But what about-

Lovelock: No other opportunity.

[...]

[Movie ends, but seems to indicate that this is not over.]

Lovelock: I smell a sequel!

Starkwell: You realize that the movie is almost 40 years old, and that there was no sequel right?

Lovelock: Man, I bet the sequel is going to pick up right where this one left off.  Sooner or later.

Starkwell: Yeah, sooner or later.

[...]

Out-of-place ballad-like depressing credit music aside, this movie could certainly be classified as a minor classic.  Starkwell and Lovelock liked it enough that they have expressed interest in seeing the remake, which, hopefully won’t soil the memory of the original like many remakes have.  But that is for another day.

Today.

I plop it in to the DVD player, much like a turd is plopped.  Hopefully, this will not be the turd that I assume it will be.  Think of the remake of ‘The Fog’.  Exactly.  Alright, let’s get this over with.  Breck Eisner directs.

[...]

Starkwell: This opening scene probably cost more than the whole original movie.

[...]

Lovelock: Aw, another annoying kid.  Wait, scratch that, he’s dead.

[...]

[The cops figure out what is going on, almost INSTANTANEOUSLY.]

Starkwell: They figured that out a little quickly.

Lovelock: It’s called detective work.

Starkwell: Yeah, apparently they only need two cops for the entire county.

Lovelock: When they’re this good.

[...]

Lionel and Allen made some remarks about how the movie is going really fast.  SO the conversation died down a bit, and they just sat there eating butterscotch pudding.

[...]

[Main characters get stuck in their car in a car wash.]

Lovelock: Why are they screaming?  They should be pumped about the free car wash with the waxy goop.

Starkwell: Might not be their priority right now.

[...]

After a little while, the two started to look bored, Starkwell was muttering something about bad pacing and a needlessly long runtime.

[...]

[Nuclear explosion.]

Lovelock: The sky looks pretty.

Starkwell: Wouldn’t they be melting or something?

[...]

[The ending is decidedly happier than the original’s.]

Starkwell: A different ending.  The sign of… any good… remake?

Lovelock: Bravo.

[...]

Pound for pound, a decent remake.  More character development, more scares, more action, more fun, more everything.  A little too much, really.  Like a crazy person.  Not to mention, the lack of unibrow on the leading man leaves much to be desired, and, the original always gets extra points for being the original.  Plus, it’s just cooler.