Planet of the Vampires.

Although it is misleadingly titled "Planet of the Vampires", this 1965 effort from the legendary Mario Bava involves Alien Possession and crew members turning on each other.  I’ve heard tell that this is often considered to be ahead of its time.  I could see why, at least based on the description.  Anyways, we’ll see.  Well, actually, Starkwell and Lovelock will see.  The intro credits featured close-ups on two model spaceships, that were completely immobile, and hanging up in a room painted to look like space.  I had to pause the film for a bit so that they would stp giggling and actually pay attention to the movie.  Off to a good start.

[...]

[Spaceship crew, investigating a planet from orbit.]

Starkwell: Apparently in the future, the collars will be HUGE!

Lovelock: They kind of look like the X-Men.  But with much bigger collars.

Starkwell: They look like the lamest biker gang of all time.

[...]

They made fun, but admitted that the surreal quality of the spaceship and the outfits was actually kind of interesting.  They were talking about how the deck was ENORMOUS, and about how impractical it seemed to make a spaceship huge just for the hell of it… but then it cut back to the model spaceships and the giggling started again.  Through the giggles, the entire ship’s crew seemed to pass out as they landed on the planet.

[...]

[Captain Sweatyface switches the controls to manual.]

Starkwell: There aren’t any labels on any of the lights and switches.  Doesn’t seem like a very well-designed control system.

[Cut to model with flashing lights.  Giggles galore.]

[...]

The crew wakes up, half of them start attacking each other.  But then they stop attacking, usually after a good shake, or a slap to the face.  And then as soon as they snapped out of it, someone else goes nuts and starts attacking.  It’s like a horrible game of tag.

[...]

[Possessed Doctor leaves ship.  Has trouble breathing, then comes to.  Two crew members come out to retrieve him.]

Starkwell: How come they need to wear those air helmets and the Doctor doesn’t?

Lovelock: Is the answer continuity?

Starkwell: Probably not.

[This is the last time anyone had to wear a helmet on the planet.]

[...]

Don’t get me wrong, both Lovelock and Starkwell agree that the sets looks cheap and hilarious, but simultaneously agree that somehow it works and that “they don’t make’em like this anymore.”

[...]

[The crew ventures across the planet to locate the other ship, which had sent them a distress signal.]

Starkwell: Now none of them need their little helmets, they only need those little bathing caps?

Lovelock: In the future, people need to breathe… sometimes?

[...]

Lovelock: I know I said X-Men before, but now I’m thinking TRON.  They look like they’re in the game.

Starkwell: Well, if the game was showing old dudes’ dickprints, then I think Bava won the gold for this movie.

[...]

After finding the other crew and realizing that they had all gone mad and killed each other, the crew goes into panic mode.  They then walk around the planet aimlessly looking for answers.  I think.

[...]

Lovelock: Hey, Mario, we get it… there’s a lot of greensmoke and fog on this planet.  Holy shit.

[...]

Then there was a scene where the deceased crew members started rising out of their tombs and tearing open the plastic wrap they had been encased in.  Lovelock proceeded to do a backflip while Starkwell did at least three consecutive fistpumps.  After that they high fived.  It was that awesome.

[...]

[Zombie crew member rips collar off of outfit.]

Starkwell:  The collars come off?  Why on Earth would they ever keep them on?

Lovelock: They’re not on Earth, IDIOT.

[...]

[Zombie Burt scares Blonde Beehive, she faints.]

Starkwell: Was it really necessary to show her making photocopies of the medical records for so long?

Lovelock: He was building tension.

Starkwell: He was building MY IMPATIENCE.

Lovelock: This movie is a solid boredom builder.

[...]

Then randomly, the main characters were wearing orange spacesuits instead of the black leather ones.  Likely, because the other outfits were being cleaned that day of filming.  The collars were much smaller.  They kind of looked like Michael Jackson did in "Thriller", or how Eddie Murphy looked in "Raw".  Anyways, they went off to explore some other spaceship that they found, full of HUGE skeletons.  Everything LOOKED really cool.  Starkwell and Lovelock were singing Bava’s praises for how the film looked.  The plot on the other hand is as Starkwell put it “as messy as sneezing with a nosebleed.”  Apparently the alien parasites wanted to travel with them back to their planet and possess everyone.

[...]

[Brawl between crew members, half possessed, half normal.]

Starkwell: Honestly, I don’t know who is who anymore.

Lovelock: What happened to the orange outfits?

Starkwell: Is the redhead dead?

Lovelock: What is that bubbling stuff?

Starkwell: Who were those big skeletons?

[...]

The questions went on like this for the remainder of this confusing movie.  There was a twist at the end, where the aliens ended up losing their navigation system and ending up going to EARTH!!!!!  Pretty solid twist actually.  Anyways, take a dash of "Alien", sprinkle in some "Ghosts of Mars", pour on a heavy cream of bizarre set design, rip off "Body Snatchers" a little, then remove any and all budget, and you sort of get this movie.  Ahead of its time?  Starkwell and Lovelock seem to think so.  Worth the time spent watching it?  Undecided.  I still think it was fun, but it leaves a really bad aftertaste.  But don’t take my word for it.

[...]

Lovelock: ZZZzzzzzzzzz…

House II: The Second Story.

“House II: The Second Story” was written and directed by Ethan Wiley, who actually penned the screenplay for the first “House” movie.  Normally when I see these types of movies that I fear will be “sequel in name only”, I get real scared.  But at least the original writer is back in this case.  That this was one of the last movies of his career, outside of the FIFTH instalment of "Children of the Corn", could in fact mean that this won’t deliver on the same level as the first.  The guys have agreed to give it a shot, after mentally lowering the bar quite a bit.  Although this will certainly help the film, it remains to be seen whether or not it will still manage to disappoint even with such mediocre expectations.

[...]

[Quick Draw Cowboy Zombie kills some people in the House, 25 years ago.]

Starkwell: That is definitely not the same house.

Lovelock: It’s the 'Second Story', not the same story.  I do wish that Norm still lived across the street, though.

[...]

Then we are introduced to the main character Jesse, his girlfriend and their WACKY friends who come to crash their party at the house.  Anyways, it’s all very eighties.  Then Jesse and Other Dude Named Charlie go dig up Jesse’s Grandfather’s corpse… on a hunch?  Starkwell loses his mind.

[...]

[Zombie Grandfather comes out of the grave, and starts talking to them.]

Starkwell: He seems like a sweet old man.

Lovelock: Right… now that he stopped trying to strangle them.

Starkwell: They seem strangely calm, considering they are talking to a zombie… who just tried to kill them.

Lovelock: Well he is a sweet old coot… listen to him… “Call me Gramps!” Awww… how cute.

[...]

Then there was a scene where Charlie let Gramps drive Jesse’s sportscar.  And GEE WILLICKERS, WOULDN’T YOU KNOW IT, HE DONE CRASHED IT.  Aw-HeeYUCK.  Anyways, after that, it cut to a shot of Charlie getting tanked with Gramps, and then back to them driving… drunk.

[...]

Lovelock: I think more movies need to feature drunk-driving hillbilly zombies that, though they’ve never seen a car before, know EXACTLY how to drive it.  And drive stick, no less.

Starkwell: I really don’t think the average movie could pull that off.

Lovelock: Name a movie.

Starkwell: "Miracle on 34th Street".

Lovelock: Pfff… EASY.  Santa is actually dead and a zombie and from the south and has been stuck in the North Pole for like a hundred years.  Then he comes back to civilization and gets all crazy.  And the reason he’s in court is for his drunk driving.  The end.

Starkwell: But you just changed the whole movie.  And none of it made any sense.

Lovelock: Changed?  More like improved.  Santa Claus in court?  Come on.  Welcome to Jurassic Park.

Starkwell: Seriously dude?  The remake?

[...]

Then Bill Maher comes in playing a record company guy of some kind, there to check out the bimbo woman that is sleeping with Charlie, who is apparently a musician.  Maher is sporting that fantastic late eighties haircut / mullet that pretty much EVERY stand-up comedian had at that time.  But, I digress, there are an awful lot of “Encino Man” style jokes, where the old Zombie Gramps is all like "what's that? I never seen nothin' like that before" or “all these channels and there ain’t nothin’ on.”  Problem is, just the idea of TV should be making his head explode.  He’s been dead for one hundred and fifty years.  Unfortunately, Starkwell’s head is the only one exploding, due to INSANELY HUGE  PLOT HOLES.  Any movie that makes Lovelock refer to a Pauly Shore movie as ‘more believable’ is in a lot of trouble.

[...]

[Random Dude with huge muscles emerges from the study, steals shiny crystal skull, runs away with it.]

Starkwell: Who the fuck was that?

Lovelock: The Ultimate Warrior… I think…

[...]

Jesse and Charlie now charged into the study, chasing the Ultimate Warrior.  They do so armed with machine guns... somehow... and they start randomly shooting everywhere in the study, which has now become an endless jungle.  With dinosaurs in it.  Ultimate Warrior is about to stab Charlie when he is eaten by a big mole creature of some kind.  Then a pterodactyl steals the crystal skull and puts it in its nest… with its eggs.  Obviously Jesse has to climb up a huge tree now to retrieve the crystal skull.  Look out for the baby pterodactyl!  Puppet!  He falls and they all end up back in the basement.  But then a weird worm-dog is humping Charlie’s leg.  He’s so cute?  Zombie Gramps is feeding it beer from a bottle?

[...]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …

[...]

This speechlessness continued for the next forever minutes.  Mexican Warriors came out of the fireplace to beat the shit outta Gramps, and they still remain speechless and confused.  But then, something broke the silence.

[...]

[Cliff from Cheers, playing Bill the electrician, shows up.]

Starkwell: Wait… so Norm was the nosy neighbour in the first one, and now Cliff's the intrusive electrician?

Lovelock: I can’t wait for "House 3", with Shelly Long playing a retired Drag Queen.

[...]

[Bill finds a gateway to another dimension... in the wall.]

Starkwell: Obviously he isn’t shocked by it.

Lovelock: Obviously he has a sword hidden in his toolbox around for just such an occasion.

Starkwell: The occasion being, accompanying two strangers into another dimension armed with swords, on a mission to retrieve a crystal skull?

Lovelock: What other occasion could there be?

[...]

The three characters eventually find some kind of temple where a woman is about to be sacrificed.  They stop the sacrifice, and the film appears to be sort of trying to parody “Temple of Doom”.  Starkwell then notes “ironically, this film has a Crystal Skull, which […]”  I’m sure you know where he was going with that.  Anyways, just as the whole family was sitting down for a nice Sunday dinner (Jesse, Zombie Gramps, Charlie, Worm-Dog, Baby Pterodactyl and Mexican Virgin) Slim Razor, Gramps’ old nemesis, rises up out of the lettuce in the party platter in the center of the table.  Jesse chases him around the house, they fight and shit.

[...]

[Jesse blows Slim’s head off, with six shotgun shots.]

Lovelock:  … zombie horse… pterodactyl… Mexican virgin… head explosions… puppets… can’t process the awesome…

Starkwell: … zombie horse… pterodactyl… Mexican virgin… head explosions… puppets… can’t process the anger…

[...]

Anyways, the cops come and the place eventually gets set on fire, but not before Jesse takes his crystal skull, baby pterodactyl, slime-dog and dead zombie grampa through a gateway to the wild west.  Looks like Charlie and Mexican Virgin are there too!  Everyone time travels!

[...]

Starkwell: Wait does that mean he IS his grandfather?

Lovelock: Shngrfluh-guhdweee…

[...]

And with that, Lovelock’s brain was finally broken.

Masters of Horror: Dance of the Dead.

“Masters of Horror” was a relatively short lived television series that produced a mixed bag of shorter horror features helmed by titans of the genre.  In the first season, Tobe Hooper provided the show with the post-apocalyptic effort entitled “Dance of the Dead”.  The first one of these that Starkwell and Lovelock watched was Joe Dante's "Homecoming" which, sadly for them at this point, set the bar exceedingly high.

[...]

[Old lady flashes back to her childhood birthday party, horrible storm comes, people disintegrate.]

Starkwell: What the hell was that? A cloud of pure evil?

Lovelock: Did you see their faces melt off?  More like cloud of awesome.

[...]

Then it cuts to the DOOM ROOM, which is apparently some kind of anarchistic night club.  According to Starkwell it features “Lame fucking music and Freddy Krueger as an MC with a bunch of make-up on.”

[...]

Lovelock: Why is it that any futuristic post-apocalyptic world created in the movies features shitty fucking 'futuristic' bands and music?

[...]

We are then introduced to some lame characters that are, for reasons unknown, stealing blood from old people.  We then find out that it was THE TERRORISTS that caused all of this.  Given that Joe Dante’s “Homecoming” was politically charged and very anti-war, I’m starting to think that there’s a recurring theme here amongst these Masters of Horror shorts.  Once they started developing the story more and we saw people throwing naked women zombies into a dumpster and burning them, Starkwell and Lovelock grew a little more quiet, wondering how they were going to find time to explain all of this AND wrap it all up in less than an hour.  They did make several jokes about the bad acting.   The film also seems to be doing a whole “THE YOUTH OF TODAY ARE DAMAGED!” thing.

[...]

[Jack goes to find Whatever The Fuck Her Name Is, I think it’s Peggy.]

Starkwell: So… it’s a love story too?

Lovelock: It has everything all at once.

Starkwell: Everything except good acting, good dialogue... my interest.

[...]

Then there was an awkward scene where Freddy Krueger felt up a naked corpse before re-animating it.  I mean, things are happening, but nothing is really happening.  Those aren’t my words, they’re Lovelock’s.  There’s also a whole “DRUGS ARE BAD” thing going on.

[...]

[The Old Lady goes after Peggy.]

Lovelock: Some movies can pull off showing old ladies waving guns around and saying cocksucker.  This movie is not one of them.

[...]

So the two dudes were getting blood to give it to Freddy Krueger at the DOOM ROOM.  We’ve yet to find out what he will use it for.  I’m assuming it has something to do with the whole re-animatings of corpses thingy.  Starkwell almost walked out when they showed Freddy Krueger getting head from a naked zombie, but with only ten minutes left, he figured he may as well stay.

[...]

Lovelock: Wait so… the war caused the zombies?

Starkwell: No I think it’s the Freddy Krueger MC guy…

Lovelock: Or, is it just the electric shocks?

Starkwell: Wait… if that’s Peggy's sister, how did she grow up if she’s dead?

Lovelock: Holy shit I really don’t know.  I’ve got a headache now.

[...]

Then there’s like a twist where it was the mom that sold the sister to MC Krueger.  And the end.  Well actually, then Peggy turned around and sold her mom to MC Krueger.  But yeah, then the end.  And now Peggy likes the DOOM ROOM?

[...]

Starkwell: So what’s the point?

Lovelock: We just wasted an hour.  That’s the point.

Death Valley: The Revenge of Bloody Bill.

The bulk of his career has been spent as a cinematographer, but in 2004, Byron Werner decided to try his hand at directing a zombie film.  If you group together all the people in the world that have only ever directed ONE movie, I bet at least fifty percent of them made zombie movies.  Why is that?  While I ponder that question, no doubt Starkwell and Lovelock will be asing themselves a million questions about a film that will probably turn out to be a hot mess.  Welcome to “Death Valley”.  Don’t tell the guys, but this is yet another Asylum production.  Seriously, how many zombie movies have they made?  Probably one for every two-headed shark movie that they've made.  How many of them are on Netflix?

[...]

[Drug dealer Dude is being chased by Female cop.  Worst music ever recorded plays.]

Starkwell: Did the movie start or is this a music video for a band that I hope has already stopped making music forever?

Lovelock: What’s with all of the lame gimmicky camera stuff? The flashy cuts, speed up slow down, grainylook, FILTERS!  SEPIA TONE!

Starkwell: Well he is a cinematographer, maybe he’s trying to do everything in the book within the first five minutes.  You know like when a drummer releases a solo album and it’s all drum heavy and shit?

Lovelock:  I guess.  Holy shit, the bad music is STILL PLAYING.  It’s been like five minutes.

[...]

Eventually the lame “rock” music stopped and was replaced by an enormously over the top and out of place orchestral score.

[...]

[Dealer arrives in ghost town, goes to bar, sees a zombie bartender, IMMEDIATELY SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD.]

Starkwell: So… there was no “hey are you alright buddy”?

Lovelock: Nope... it was more like “GROSS! FUCKING SHOOT IT.”

[Dealer dies, Bloody Bill rips his throat out.]

Starkwell: So what was the point of any of that?  Why show the cop chasing him?

Lovelock: Oh god I hope that’s the end of the movie.

[Lame opening credits start.  EVEN WORSE MUSIC THAN BEFORE.]

Starkwell: HELLLPPPPPP!!!!!!  Heeeeeeeeeeeeelp…

[...]

Then we are introduced to a debate team.  The coach looks younger than the students, and the students all look like they’d never be on a debate team.  Then they drive off for a debate competition and MORE MUSIC PLAYS!  But wait!  They get hijacked!  By the Dealer dude’s partner!  More music!  And obviously Criminal 2 takes them to ghost town / sunset valley / death valley.

[...]

[Nerdy Guy says he’s heard of this place, that it has more than just ghosts.]

Starkwell: How would he know about this place?

Lovelock: Maybe he’s a magician.

[Original Dealer Dude jumps out at them, warns them, then turns all KERAZY then tries to eat Nerdy Guy.]

Starkwell: When Bloody Bill ripped out Dealer Dude's throat earlier in the movie, did he replace it with an amplifier and an effects pedal?  Because his voice is a little off…

Lovelock: Maybe he's a ventriloquist.

[...]

Then there was a big zombie montage, and to my surprise, Lovelock hated it.  Hated it times a million.  Uh oh, looks like Starkwell just left.  Just in time to miss Nerdy Guy recount the legend of Bloody Bill, and for the director to show the WORST flashback scene ever.  The director was going for that “FAKE GRAINY DAMAGED OLD FILM LOOK”, but it was so overdone, that you couldn’t see anything that was happening.

[...]

Lovelock: Dude, fucking fast forward.

[...]

Over the course of the next forever, the only good thing that Lovelock had to say about the movie was “at least they stopped playing the shitty rock songs and doing the whole ‘it’s a movie AND a music video’ thing”.  That statement was only true for about five more minutes.  Because then they started shooting zombies and it was all like “baby baby are you ready rock yeah ooh yeah baby baby”… So  ANYWAYS... everyone dies and then Nerdy Girl cuts off Bloody Bill’s head with a sword.  And then she walks off into the desert.

[...]

Lovelock: Maybe she’ll see the cop from the beginning.  Hopefully they were saving that for a sequel.  Not.

[...]

The ending credits start rolling and Lovelock ran away top speed before he could hear even one note of what would certainly be the worst song ever.  There are about six or seven songs in this movie, and according to Lovelock “they might be the six or seven worst songs I’ve ever heard”.  Maybe it’s just because he hated the movie so much.

The Falling.

Also known as “Alien Predators”, mid-eighties sci-fi-horror picture “The Falling” is not very well known.  Starkwell and Lovelock are about to embark on a journey to find out whether or not this is because it is really really bad.

[...]

[In the 1970s, NASA shot a space station up into the air to perform experiments on animals.  Later, it crashes back on earth.  A cow is infected or something and dies.]

Starkwell: Did they really kill that cow?

Lovelock: It certainly looked like it was really bleeding from the face and having a Caesar.

Starkwell: Seizure.

Lovelock: I'm pretty sure it's a Caesar.

Starkwell: Yeah, the cow is having a salad.  That makes sense.

Lovelock: Well, they're herbivores.

Starkwell:  Just... STOP.

[...]

[Coyotes pick apart the cow carcass.]

Lovelock: What in the…

Starkwell: That shit looks real.

[Then the cow’s ripped open stomach pulls one of the coyotes in and, I guess EATS it.  Starkwell gasped in horror, wondering how the hell they filmed that, and Lovelock shit his pants.]

[...]

We have been introduced to three American tourists driving the Spanish countryside in a huge RV.  One of the three American tourists, the hilariously eighties looking female of the group, named Samantha, informs us that there are no coyotes in Spain, and that it was likely a wild dog.  Well, now I feel dumb.  Anyways, after Lovelock went and changed his underoos I filled him in on the plot, that one of the two American dudes, Michael, re-entered the RV after investigating the cow / wild dog mess and was covered in blood. 

[...]

[Uncomfortable introduction of an Indian couple and their white, non-Indian daughter.]

Lovelock: Do movies in the eighties always have to be so racist?

Starkwell: So… The main character trio don’t find it odd that their daughter is a white girl?

Lovelock: Oh for fuck’s sake, why not just have him say ‘thank you come again’ over and over again?  Holy shit.

[And that’s it.  We never see that couple again?]

[...]

As the plot unfolded, Lovelock and Starkwell were actually pretty into it.  The special effects were, well, effective.  Outside of the love triangle side story, the characters themselves, as well as the story, were actually fairly likeable.  The woman playing Samantha, however, is hands down one of the worst actresses any of us have ever seen.

[...]

[Waitress comes back with the bill, her hair seems to have exploded into a fiery red afro, and her nose is bleeding.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t eat out.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: It totally is.  Ever been to Applebee’s?  I think that’s what this restaurant is based on.

Starkwell: Yeah, that makes sense.  Especially since this is Spain.  In the eighties.

Lovelock: Good point, maybe it’s based on Chili’s.

[...]

[Scientists go to a lab wearing NASA space suits.  One of them finds out he’s a guinea pig in an experiment, and blows his brains out.]

Starkwell: How could the blood spray around like that, if he was wearing an astronaut helmet?

Lovelock: If you want REALISM, go to the library, nerd.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

[...]

[Creepy dude with a mask grabs Samantha in the grocery store, then immediately gets squashed by a truck.]

Lovelock: Why’d they off him so quickly?  Seems like a waste of a perfectly good INCREDIBLY CREEPY dude.

Starkwell: Is someone driving the truck, or is the truck alive?

[...]

Then one of the NASA scientists sits kidnaps her at gunpoint, but she doesn’t even look scared or surprised.  She looks more annoyed than anything else.  You know who else is starting to look annoyed?  Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

Starkwell: SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Then Starkwell punched a hole in the wall.  Say what you want about the movie, but it takes a special brand of filmmaking team to piss Starkwell off that much.]

[...]

[Rogue NASA scientist sends Michael on a mission deep into the fifth lower level of a secret lab of some kind… the one where the other scientist guy blew his brains out.  As Samantha says goodbye to Mikey, Damon and the scientist have a HILARIOUS interchange about who Samantha likes best.]

Starkwell: The comedic elements… so out of place… why would the scientist care about the love triangle?  YaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa… my head hurts.

[CAR CHASE!!!!]

Lovelock: Man!  This movie does it all!  Badly!

[...]

I think what’s pissing everyone off the most about this film, was that it actually could have been really awesome instead of just sorta okay.

[...]

Starkwell: So like… were people being infected / possessed by the alien organism?

Lovelock: I’m not sure.  All that really matters is that we never found out why that Indian couple had a white daughter that called her Indian father “Bill” instead of “Daddy”.

[...]

[Car Chase II:  Mikey is Hollywood’s #1 Driver, you know!]

Starkwell: So, they casually slip in that Michael is a Hollywood stuntdriver… why?

Lovelock: I guess to explain why he can do donuts in a dune buggy and drive it down a flight of stairs.

[Mikey successfully brings back “the antidote”.  Hugs for everyone.]

[...]

[The gang gets away.  Minus the scientist who was creamed by a truck and exploded on impact.  Then I think the whole town they were in is bombed or something.  The gang stops to gas up.]

Starkwell: A triumph?

[Gas station attendant coughs up blood, explodes and a little alien flies out onto their windshield.]

Lovelock: Good thing they blew up Spain.  Clearly they contained the outbreak.

[DAMON IS INFECTED!  PROBABLY, I THINK THAT’S WHAT THEY MEANT!]

Starkwell: The end.  Brilliant.

[Roll credits.]

Lovelock: There’s a guy who was credited as an alien consultant?  How does that work?

[...]

If any of the above comments and discussions didn’t make any sense to you, it’s mostly because the movie made absolutely no sense to any of us.  Starkwell and Lovelock were both making comparisons to “Messiah of Evil”, but admitting that it was only slightly less aggravating and confusing and a whole lot less creepy.  I guess people were being possessed... like the creepy guy in the mask, and the truck drivers that we never saw... and... yeah, seriously I don't know.  Why was there a random DOLL being thrown at windows throughout the whole movie?  So many questions, and so few answers.  A very unique film.  But one must remember, a unique turd, is still basically just a turd.  Didn’t stop them from kind of digging it.

Masters of Horror: Haeckel's Tale.

“Masters of Horror” was a relatively short lived television series that produced a mixed bag of shorter horror features helmed by titans of the genre. In the second season, John McNaughton provided the show with an interpretation of Clive Barker’s necromancy filled “Haeckel’s Tale”.

[...]

[John tries to convince the ol’ Witch Lady to raise his wife from the dead.]

Starkwell: What is with these “Masters of Horror” episodes? The actors are always so wooden.

Lovelock: The old woman’s okay.

Starkwell: Best review ever for a movie. “The old woman’s okay.”

[...]

[Flashback to olden Massachusetts where Haeckel argues with Dr. Plunkett about religion, Haeckel claims he can raise the dead and… CUT TO HIS LABORATORY.]

Starkwell: Obviously there’s thunder and lightning outside.

Lovelock: Well yeah, you can’t expect to revive the dead without lightning. What planet are you from?

[Lightning strikes, dead body catches on fire.]

Starkwell: I bet that happened to Dr. Frankenstein all the time.  At least fifty percent.

[...]

The acting was much better now in this flashback sequence. Since this movie is “Haeckel’s Tale”, Lovelock and Starkwell are a little confused as to why it even started with a crotchety old lady and a bad actor talking about times of old. I might have some of this wrong, but I believe one of them said: “It’s Haeckel’s Tale, not ‘The old woman is okay’ and then she talks about Haeckel’s Tale.”

[...]

[Professor Montesquino talks about raising the dead, and says that with great power comes responsibility.]

Lovelock: In conclusion, ‘Pawn Shop Guy’ from “The Crow”, AKA ‘Montesquino’ is… THE AMAZING

SPIDERMAN.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure he isn’t.

Lovelock: Well then what is he?

Starkwell: A dude with a pretty rad moustache.

Lovelock: Go again.

Starkwell: A mediocre actor?

Lovelock: Better, closer, warmer.

Starkwell: ... Ugh... Spiderman?

Lovelock: There it is.

[Montesquino re-animates a dead dog… INTO A ZOMBIE MONSTER DOG!]

Lovelock: Is he strong? Listen, bud. He’s got radioactive blood.

Starkwell: Montesquino or the dog?

Lovelock: Seriously, who fucking cares.

[...]

After that they got bored. And fell asleep. They woke up about fifteen minutes later when there was some thunder and lightning in the movie. But don’t worry, they fell back to sleep quite quickly. They then woke up just in time to see Haeckel fight Zombie Dog with a huge rock. Not bad. Unfortunately Starkwell walked out during the scene when Elise banged her Zombie husband, while the other Zombies watched and joined in.  I think during the third or fourth shot of ZOMBIE HAND TOUCHES NAKED BOOBY, even Lovelock said he was getting a little uncomfortable.

[...]

[Later that morning… ELISE’S BABY IS A ZOMBIE BABY! IT KILLS HAECKEL!]

Lovelock: I guess that’s what happens when you have unprotected sex with a zombie.

[...]

Starkwell wasn’t around to question how a zombie could possibly have functioning testicles with which to shoot hot zombie beans into a woman's muff. Lovelock didn’t seem to care. He was psyched about Haeckel’s death.

[...]

[TURNS OUT THE OLD CROTCHETY WOMAN FROM THE BEGINNING IS ELISE THE ZOMBIE FUCKER!]

Lovelock: Oh snap. Except, I hope they don’t show the old woman having a foursome with the zombies…

[...]

They didn’t.  They hinted at it, and that was enough to make Lovelock dry heave a little, but they didn't actually show it.  I guess McNaughton decided THAT would just be weird.

The Living Ghost.

Although the title leads one to believe that maybe this is a ghost movie, rather than an old fashioned zombie romp, the story here apparently involves a man in a zombie-like state.  Not really dead, not really alive, and most likely, not really entertaining either.  But that doesn’t mean that Starkwell and Lovelock won’t at least find SOMETHING to talk about.  The movie’s only about an hour long, so at least there may be less DEAD air to fill.  See what I did there?

[...]

[The British Board of films informs us that this is rated ‘A’, for adult.]

Lovelock: ‘A’ for adult?  What kind of rating system is that?  And why ‘British’?  The film is American.

Starkwell: I can already tell I’m giving this an ‘F’.

[...]

[Stuff happens.  There’s a guy that talks really fast.]

Starkwell: What the fuck is even going on?

Lovelock: I think someone is missing.  And people want to look for him.

[...]

Then two characters visit some ‘doctor’ or ‘psychic’ or ‘medium’ or something.  Whatever.  He has a towel on his head.  His name is NICK TRAYNE.

[...]

[Girl tries to use reverse psychology on the ‘psychic’ to convince him to TAKE THE CASE.  And it works.]

Starkwell: You’d think he wouldn’t be so easily manipulated, given that he's some kind of psychic and shit.

Lovelock: The important thing to note is that he just told the girl that he wanted to bend her over his knee.  I assume to spank her.  In fact he PROMISED he would.

Starkwell: No wonder it was rated ‘A’.

Lovelock: Did he just ask when he would be ‘getting off’?

[...]

[The missing Mr. Craig shows back up at the house, as a vegetable lasagna zombie.  Old woman screams and wakes everyone up.  Like a dozen people run out into the foyer...]

Lovelock: How many people live in this house?

Starkwell: I still don’t know what the hell is going on.

[...]

Then the two sat bored.  Really bored.  The dialogue was awkward.  There were so many characters on the screen at certain moments that they weren’t even sure who was who and who was even talking.  Some of the dialogue felt ad-libbed.  It didn’t help make anything any more interesting.  Honestly, neither Starkwell nor Lovelock are really sure who any of the characters are.  I think one’s a doctor, one’s a psychic.  There are definitely a few loonies in the mix…

[...]

Lovelock: Wake me up if something happens.

[...]

Nothing happened.  I mean, there were lots of people interacting, but it was one hell of a mess.  I mean, they tried to explain everything, but the explanation was totally insane.  The important thing is the film ends with Nick Trayne spanking the girl.  Just like he promised he would.

[...]

Starkwell: Rated ‘A’ for ass spanking.

Lovelock: I’m awake! I’m awake. I'm... awake?

Dead Heist.

Some sort of gangsta film about zombie monsters interrupting some guys trying to rob a bank, “Dead Heist” promises to be a challenging watch for the guys.  I mean the star is BIG DADDY KANE.  The bright side is that it isn’t very long.

[...]

[Intro music and credits play.]

Lovelock: This sort of looks like the worst music video you’ve ever seen.

[...]

Starkwell was IMMEDIATELY annoyed by the useless curse words inserted everywhere in the dialogue, and BOTH Lovelock and Starkwell wished that the film had not included the bald white guy who, for whatever reason, is trying to sound like a tough black guy, unconvincingly.

[...]

[Four dudes plan a bank heist at a coffee shop.]

Lovelock: These four dudes are dumb as balls.

Starkwell: And the acting is not helping this be any more convincing.

[...]

[They go to see their friend Hustle, the pornographer.]

Lovelock: That looks like the worst porno ever.

Starkwell: You would know?

Lovelock: What? No… ummm… whatever.

[...]

Lovelock: Holy shit this movie is really bad.  Also, where are the zombies?

[...]

Starkwell: There’s just so much useful dialogue.  Not.

[...]

[Big Daddy Kane tells Lame Whiteboy about the VAMPIRE ZOMBIES.]

Starkwell: Why would you walk up to a random guy shopping for hunting knives and tell him about zombies?

Lovelock: To be nice?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: Because this movie makes no sense and sucks?

Starkwell: There it is.

[...]

[They try and rob bank.]

Starkwell: So, let me get this straight, even though they are there with guns, the cop woman is able to walk ten feet over to the desk, set off the silent alarm, return to the place she was, ten feet away, and no one saw her?  Fuck this.  I’m out.

Lovelock: But we haven’t even seen the zombies yet.

Starkwell: I’ll live.

Lovelock: Hopefully most of these characters won't.

[...]

Just in time to miss them shoot two random people, and what appears to be some kind of love story between the cop lady and Lame Whiteboy.

[...]

Lovelock: The sheriff wants to let them leave, if they leave the money?  They killed two cops, and the sheriff is like, “hey leave the money, and we’ll let you go.”  Holy shit, Starkwell was right to leave.

[...]

I believe Lovelock is only holding on to see what the zombies are.  And there they are!  But considering we are two thirds through the movie, it’s beginning to feel a little late for a new element. Especially one that makes no sense.

[...]

Lovelock: There were more people than that in the bank, but now all of a sudden there are only the main characters.  What a farce.  I guess they could only afford five actors at once.

[...]

Anyways, then Lovelock fell asleep.  All he missed in the last twenty minutes was bad dialogue and the dumbest fucking plot ever.  Oh, also, Lame Whiteboy’s ‘accent’ keeps going in and out.