Zombie Ass: The Toilet of the Dead.

From the land of films like “Girls Swim Team vs. the Undead” and “Big Tits Zombie” comes a film with, arguably, the dumbest title to appear on Zombie Hall thus far (although “Retardead” might forever be the official selection for worst title)… “Zombie Ass” alone wasn’t enough.  They had to throw in “Toilet of the Dead”.  I feel like the film makers are already telling us a lot about the movie and where it belongs with a title like that.  But we’ll see, I supposed.   The film opens with a scientist making a zombie vomit shit into the mouth of his daughter.

[...]

[Opening credits feature dancing girls in hot pants and close-ups of ass.]

Starkwell: Wait, why is he making her eat shit?

[Flashback to earlier in her life, where main character Megumi watches a bunch of mean girls bully her sister, and ask her to eat shit.]

Lovelock: So this is the worst thing ever?

[...]

The next scene featured a guy taking medicine and projectile vomiting everywhere on the side of the road.  It looks like Starkwell is already quite close to leaving.  I’ll be honest, the production value is way above what I think we were all expecting.

[...]

[A model with huge boobs is trying to find parasites in a river, to eat them, to stay thin.]

Starkwell: Wait, why is Megumi with these people?

Lovelock: Why on Earth would she be wearing her schoolgirl outfit when she isn’t at school?

Starkwell: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

[Then they are camping and Booby Girl makes out with the group’s leader.  Megumi hangs out by the river practicing slow Karate.]

Lovelock: Of course.

[Boobly Girl eats a worm that they pull out of a fish from the river.]

Starkwell: Why on Earth would anyone think that would work?

Lovelock: This ain’t Earth.  It’s Japan.

[...]

Then a zombie runs into them and bites off Leader Guy finger and then somehow their van is stolen, so they’re stuck in the woods.  They are all freaking out, except Megumi.  She steps up and is all KARATE TOUGH.  Then Booby Girl starts feeling sick and she walks away slowly towards the outhouse, farting many many times.  Starkwell leaves right around the time she takes her pants off and squats in front of the camera, farting and talking about how she is about to have the worst runs in her life.  Seriously, they focus on her squatting ass farting for like a minute or two.  When she isn’t farting, she’s moaning.  When they aren’t showing her ass, it’s a close-up on her boobs.

[...]

[A zombie hand emerges from the outhouse shit hole, and grabs her ass.]

Lovelock: Wha…

[She farts yellow smoke on the zombie, then he comes out of the shithole and starts ripping her dress off…]

Lovelock: …

[A bunch of shit covered zombies emerge from the nearby woods/house and chase them.]

Lovelock: Okayyyy…

[Booby Girl is unable to run with them, instead she falls down on all fours, with her bare ass still hanging out, and farts a HUGE cloud of yellow smoke that turns into a demon face momentarily.]

Lovelock: DA FUCK.

[One zombie starts shitting from his mouth, then a creature comes out of Booby Girl’s ass. Oh yeah, Booby Girl is dead.]

Lovelock: Oatmeal was a bad choice for a snack while watching this movie.

[Oatmeal is probably a bad choice for any zombie movie, really.  Why on Earth would you eat oatmeal while watching a zombie movie?]

Lovelock: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

[...]

They end up in a cabin with a crazy old man with a shotgun, who immediately blows his own head off.  The zombies seem to ooze shit.  It’s gross.  But the soundtrack is actually really cool.  They start fighting the zombie horde, and the effects are TERRIBLE.  Anyways, it seems like the zombies all have those weird wormy demon things living inside of them, so clearly the worms from the river are causing the outbreak.  Then they are saved by the doctor from the opening scene.

[...]

Lovelock: Again, why on Earth would that other girl also be dressed in her schoolgirl outfit when NOT in school?

[Answer: Because, Japan.]

Starkwell: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

Lovelock: You're back!

Starkwell: Nope.  I left my book in here.  Looks like it got even worse since I left.  See ya.

[...]

Then Leader Guy’s bitten finger catches up with him and his head blows up.  Gore and effect wise, it’s the highlight so far.  Then, obviously, the girl who is showering to wash the blood off asks Megumi to join her in the shower.  And Obviously, Megumi does join her.  But not before they show her stripping for like an hour.

[...]

[Cut back to the earlier flashback, which ended with Megumi’s sister running and jumping off the roof.]

Lovelock: So wait, she’s thinking about that while the other girl is grabbing her ass?

[...]

[Then scientist guy gives his daughter a boiling hot enema and she poops out a four foot long worm, that he collects in a bedpan.]

Lovelock: At least put some fucking gloves on, shit dude.

[...]

So it turns out the scientist is behind the whole thing, he is helping the parasites take over the village people.  Not "The Village People", but the people of the village nearby.  They knock him out and try to escape, but they are clearly all infected.  Megumi is going after the medicine while the two remaining survivors of the gang fight zombies, who now walk around bent over, ass forward with a wormhead coming out of their asshole, and farting CONSTANTLY.

[...]

[Booby Girl is back, the worm coming out of her ass wraps around the other girl in the group, and starts pulling her clothes off… and raping her?]

Lovelock: I held on a while, but honestly, shit-monster tentacle rape softcore porn?  I’m out.

[...]

That scene went on for a really long time.  Booby Girl eventually turns into a giant Fly Monster and goes after Megumi who, ultimately, saves the day.  But not before her shirt gets ripped and her boob is showing for the whole final fight scene, which involves her using farts like a jet pack and flying through the air to fight the Fly Monster eventually shoving a syringe up the monster's ass.  Also there’s more tentacle raping.  This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

Chanbara Beauty: The Movie - Vortex.

If I read correctly, this film is going to be exactly what you think it is: girls in schoolgirl outfits that look underage fighting zombies with swords.  They may or may not get naked at one point!  If it’s like that horrible one about the girls swim team, they might even do sex on other girls!  I think this may even be the second film in a series, but I don't know.  The film opens up with a short narration about why there are zombies then goes full on into a half naked girl twirling around with a sword fighting zombies.  Starkwell already left, saying “I know this will offer me nothing.”  As he walked away Lovelock replied “it will probably offer boobies though.”

[...]

[Ninety minutes of girls in bikinis and schoolgirl outfits fighting zombies.]

Lovelock: Well, the movie certainly isn’t pretending to be anything more than it is.

[There is SOME back story thrown in, and the occasional conversation between the half nakeds about what they need to do next.  And eventually they meet other half nakeds along the way…]

[...]

The end.  Zack Snyder fans must love this one.  Also, fourteen year old boys.  Did I mention that the bikini girl wears a cowboy hat and boots and has a feathery scarf on?  Exactly.  Plus, why is the title "The Movie DASH Vortex"?

Helldriver.

The Japanese zombie scene is a mixed bag.  It’s mostly not a good mix.  For every “Versus” there are a few “Big Tits Zombies”… Or that one with the swim team where half the movie is softcore lesbian porn... So yeah…  Anyways, The bigger issue here is that the film’s run time is about two hours… TWO HOURS!  It’s about a princess and her post-apocalyptic quest to kill her mother the zombie queen, or something like that.  Sounds fun enough.

[...]

[Dude scales a wall, sits atop it, and feeds a severed head to a bunch of zombies.]

Lovelock: Sweet grappling hook.

Starkwell: Is his suit electric?

Lovelock: The Japanese always have blue zombies, for some reason.

[...]

Then, to a soundtrack of gentle Japanese pop, Electric Ninja uses his grappling hook to rip off a bunch of zombie heads and rip off their horns (?) that they all seem to have growing out of their heads, and then falls off the wall and is swarmed by zombies.  Then a pickup truck comes flying in (doing flips and spins) bowls over the zombies and out emerges our heroine (I assume), Kika, wielding a chainsaw and doing pole-dancing moves while severing zombie heads.  Lovelock and Starkwell sit, as confused as these Japanese zombie films usually make them.

[...]

[Flashback to Kika’s past, where her crazy mother and the crazy mother’s crazy boyfriend are trying to kill her, and then an asteroid hits the mother and makes a huge crater in her chest, and then the mother rips out Kika’s heart and puts it in her crater replacing her missing heart, and then they both are covered in glowing gold goo, and shoot black smoke that covers Japan and turns everyone into zombies.]

Starkwell: Ummm…

Lovelock: Well at least the narrator is helping explain it.

Starkwell: Is the mother the girl from “Audition”?

Lovelock: I’ve blocked that film from my memory.

Starkwell: KURI KURI KURI KURI.

[Lovelock drops to the floor, weeping, in the fetal position.]

[...]

Then we see a montage of news footage and whatnot explaining everything.  The weird horn is apparently ground into a powder and used as drugs in this horrible future.  Meanwhile Kika is in a hospital, sleeping for a year, through the apocalypse where, for whatever reason, people eat fried cockroaches and the film makers have decided to show it.

[...]

Starkwell: I think they really fried those roaches!

[Lovelock started to respond, but then vomited mid sentence when the dude started chewing on fried cockroaches mouth open.]

[...]

[Kika wakes up, and is attacked by zombies and some sort of band of marauders, dressed like Klu Klux Klan wizards, then discovers that she has been turned into a cyborg superhero with a chainsaw sword.]

Lovelock: CHAINSAW SWORD!

[...]

The fight goes on for a while, Kika soon realizing that even if you chop off a chainsaw wielding zombie’s arm, that arm will come at you with a chainsaw.  She saves two dudes, we’ll call them Hat Guy and Video Game Character, who then take her with them back to some drug kingpins that they are apparently selling horns to.  Hat Guy also apparently rescues orphans (?).

[...]

[Kika has a nightmare about her past with her mother, and then, in the present, the mother breaks out of her golden glowing cocoon to reveal that she is a super zombie.  The Queen zombie, if you will.]

Lovelock: Is that a giant chicken foot wrapped around her head?

Starkwell: I don’t know, but it’s kind of gross.

[...]

So amidst the whole “Kika wants to get revenge on her now Zombie Queen mom” storyline, there is also a larger plot wherein some rogue government dude wants to overthrow the president and launch a plan to exterminate all of the zombies.  This plan includes using Kika as the weapon that she was designed to be.  THE ULTIMATE ZOMBIE KILLER.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m not sure who the good guys or bad guys are in the government, I just know that I want Kika to kill Zombie Mom.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[President gives a speech, Rogue Diplomat Guy blows a whole in the wall and President is eaten.]

[...]

One thing is certain… the movie doesn’t skimp on blood and gore.  It’s fucking everywhere.  There’s a decent mix of CG and old school, making it pretty over the top and insane.  But in a good way.

[...]

[The opening credits start rolling, fifty minutes into the two hour film.]

Lovelock: I’m confused.

Starkwell: There’s still over an hour left? DA FUCK.

[...]

The Rogue government guy has declared himself the new Prime Minister, and for some reason, now wears a military outfit and has a Hitler mustache.  Kika, Hat Guy, Video Game Character and the Drug Dealers have all been recruited to head into the zombie territory to find the queen.

[...]

[The group is attacked by a few hundred zombie heads being launched at them.]

Lovelock: Well that’s new.

[One severed zombie head bites drug dealer girl in the crotch.]

Lovelock: Well, that’s unnecessary.

Starkwell: The movie was doing so well avoiding that kind of thing too.

[Hat Guy, Video Game Character and Kika survive, saved by a Cowboy, that they just ran into… somehow.]

Lovelock: Right.  A Cowboy.

[...]

[A zombie feeds on a bouquet of severed penises.]

Lovelock: And just like that, they lower THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE.

Starkwell: First crotch bite, now penis bouquet?  Shit is weak.

[Cut to a zombie bar, zombies doing “Thriller” dance.]

Lovelock: Houston, we have a problem.

Starkwell: What is happening?

Lovelock: Absolute nosedive.

[School Girl has her shirt ripped open, zombie bites her bare breasts for a little while, and then she is held down while she squirts blood out of her nips like a firehose, as her breast are milked by the surrounding zombies.]

Starkwell: And, that’s my cue to leave.

Lovelock: What is going on!??!?!

[Only in Japan.]

[...]

There really is a strange split.  It feels like two different films, the one before the credits in the middle, and the one after.  Even the special effects seem to have gotten worse.  Why would a shotgun blast make their heads blow up in a little burst of flames?

[...]

Lovelock: Wait, is the firehose nipple girl a spider zombie now?

[...]

The next half hour was basically non-stop action, for better or for worse.  There was a zombie baby, naked spider girl zombie fighting with a fork, a zombie car made out of zombies, a zombie getting chainsaw sword up the ass for like two minutes, and eventually, Hat Guy yelling BANZAI as he “kamikazes” himself off of a cliff.

[...]

Lovelock: How is there still another twenty five fucking minutes?

[...]

[Zombie Mom sits atop a Colossus Giant made out of zombies.]

Lovelock: Guh?

[...]

They fire a missile at it, it partially explodes, but then the chicken foot alien creature sitting atop Zombie Mom’s head starts conducting the zombies like a symphony.  Then the Giant Thing catches the next two missiles and uses them like jet engines and turns into a huge plane made out of zombies.  Lovelock’s brain breaks.  He was trying to say something, but it was just coming out as a series of confused grunts.

[...]

Lovelock: I think it’s safe to say that I am completely desensitized to spurting blood at this point.

[...]

Definitely WAY too long, but if you go in knowing that it’s just a nonsense ride of zany insanity, you’ll come out pleased as Lovelock did.  Or you’ll leave long before it’s over, as Starkwell did.

Tokyo Zombie.

Based on a Manga comic of the same name, I guarantee that this will likely be one big incomprehensible pile of potential.  Whether or not this will go in the "awesome Japanese zombie movie" pile (Versus, Wild Zero…), or the "horrible the worst I hate it to death Japanese zombie movie" pile (Girls Swim Team, Stacy…) is entirely up to everyone's favorite "the Statler and Waldorf of zombie films".

[...]

[We are introduced to Fujio and Matsuo, factory workers, who train on their lunchbreak to be jiu-jitsu champs.]

Lovelock: I wish I could spar at work for fun.

Starkwell: Sure you do.

[They kill their boss and decide to dump him in Black Fuji, the mountain sized garbage dump out at the city limits.]

Lovelock: Sparring at work AND smacking their boss in the head with a fire extinguisher?  HEROES!

Starkwell: Yeah… this will end well.

[...]

In the next few minutes we see a flashback scene involving a young bare assed Fujio being spanked by a pedophile high school teacher, a shot of a person's head being kicked off of their body and flying into orbit, while still talking, and finally a bunch of zombies rising up out of Black Fuji and attacking people.  We also saw a zombie eating a dude's wang.

[...]

Starkwell: There have been more pedophile jokes and references than zombies so far.  Not exactly a promising start.

[...]

He's complaining, but they seem to both like the main characters quite a bit.  There is very little make-up for the zombies.   They basically just look like people with slightly gray faces.  Somehow it works though.  "Better that than crappy cheaply and incompetently produced Nintendo Pac-Man bullshit" says Lovelock.  Not entirely sure what that means, but I guess it's a compliment.

[...]

[Matsuo tells Fujio he has cancer, but has felt better since he started working at the factory and teaching Fujio the wonders of Jiu-Jitsu.]

Lovelock:  There should be a hundred movies starring these two guys, zombies or no zombies.  I would watch them all, all the time.

[...]

They meet a girl, but then Matsuo gets bitten.  He gives Fujio his Jiu-Jitsu robe and jumps out of the van.  As the girl and Matsuo run away from zombies, it fades to black.  Before any of us had a chance to be sad, we are treated to an animated montage explaining that Tokyo died over the course of the next few years.  Eventually there was a new society where the rich stayed alive, lived in huge towers and used the poor as their slaves and as zombie food.

[...]

[Fujio is a fighter in this new civilization that fights zombies in a ring to entertain rich elite older women.]

Lovelock: FUJIO!!!!!!

Starkwell: He learned from the best.

[...]

[Fujio returns home to the slums where he lives with the girl and their daughter (?), and talks to a Matsuo shrine he has built in his shantytown home.]

Lovelock: I still can't believe he's gone.  I don't want him to be…

Starkwell: They're the best team ever.  Even if we only got like thirty minutes of them, they are the best.  Ever.

[...]

Fujio loses his next fight, without being bitten, but nonetheless his spirit is crushed.  A single tear can be seen running down Lovelock's cheek.  Then, it turns out that Zombie Matsuo has been found and recruited by the fighting association.  Fujio must fight his former master!  Lovelock nervous farted seven times in a row.  EDGE OF THEIR SEATS.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell resisted the temptation to make Vader-Obiwan references.

[...]

[Fujio and Matsuo fight with super slow Jiu-Jitsu for like five minutes.  Matsuo starts talking to him.]

Starkwell: Wait… so he's not a zombie?

Lovelock: Is the dream team back?

[Matsuo tells Fujio he needs to kill him and move on.]

Starkwell: Wait… so he is a zombie?

Lovelock: I don't know, man… I just want the ol' gang to get back together.

[...]

Then some random group of rebels show up and starts spraying all of the rich ladies with piss and shit out of a piss and shit mini-gun.  Fujio decides to fulfill his destiny by traveling to Russia with his family, to train and become a number one man.  And then all of the zombies are released and shit starts making even less sense.  Seriously though, when the main character(s) is cool like this… who really cares?  They set it up for a sequel, and also show us that Matsuo was never actually bitten by a zombie, because the zombie that bit him had dentures.  He still thinks he's a zombie though.  He chases after Fujio as he rides to Russia.  Holy Hell we all wish that they had gotten around to making that sequel.

Versus.

Although a lot of the more recent zombie entries from Japan have left a sour taste in the mouths of Zombie Hall’s two resident aficionados, “Versus” promises to beat the crap out of that sour taste and explode it to infinity and beyond.  Are they ready for “Versus”?  Is anyone ever REALLY ready for “Versus”.  Alright, let’s get this show on the road.

[...]

[Text tells the story of the “Forest of Resurrection”, really fast.]

Lovelock: Hold on… what was that thing about gates?  Wait... go back.

Starkwell: I think it was four hundred and forty-four something…

Lovelock: I saw six-six-six…

Starkwell: Can we do it in slow-mo?

[They went back and read the whole thing.  It still made no sense.]

[...]

Then there’s a swordfight in olden Japan that ends with a dude being cut in half and another dude that looks like Raiden.  And then FLASH FORWARD to present day, and two convicts are running through the woods.  I assume these are the same woods known as… THE “Forest of Resurrection”.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m starting to think the director really likes those spinning shots that circle around people.

Lovelock: Also, he enjoys really dated late nineties music.

[...]

One of the cons is a mega tough guy.  From here on out, Lovelock and Starkwell will refer to him as Stone Face.  Stone Face and his partner meet up with some gangsters that work for the people they work for, and for some reason they’ve brought a girl.

[...]

Starkwell: These guys all follow orders pretty blindly, especially ones that make no sense.  “We are to meet you here, and bring this girl with us.  That is what we are told.”

[Stone Face tells them to let go of the girl, they refuse, so they FIGHT.  One dude gets shot and dies.  Then Mexican Standoff.]

Lovelock: What movie would be complete without a Mexican Standoff?

Starkwell: Most movies.

Lovelock: But check out that spinning camera shot!

[They show a guy with a suitcase in the distance, and then the dead guy gets up and starts attacking.  Stone Face’s partner dies, gets up as a zombie.]

Lovelock: We must all be quiet now, and allow ourselves to play air guitar while we enjoy this scene.

Starkwell: I think I’ll do a roundhouse kick if that’s okay with you.

Lovelock: I accept.

[...]

While they were rocking out to the movie, Stone Face got away, with the girl, and the wacky gangsters set out to find them, deep in THE FOREST OF RESURRECTION.

[...]

[Stone Face puts on a black leather trench coat he found on a dead guy in the woods.  Short guitar solo plays.]

Lovelock: Wait, was that guitar solo just in my brain or… ?? Did you hear that too?

[Stone Face attacks the gangster wearing a vest, then punches the girl in the face.]

Starkwell: Well… that’s one way to make her butt out.

Lovelock: Look out!  Yakuza member Vesty McPonytail is back up!

[...]

One of the gangsters realizes that these woods are where they’ve executed a lot of people, which means, thankfully, many many zombies.  Lovelock said he was so excited that a drop of pee came out.

[...]

[The zombies use guns.  The action is insane.]

Lovelock: It’s everything good that's ever been ever put into a movie put into one movie. WOAH! HE KICKED HIS HEAD OFF!

Starkwell: I don’t know dude, I mean... zombies with guns?

Lovelock: No.  No, I won’t let you take this joy away from me.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.

Starkwell: But, nothing is happening…

Lovelock: Guy.  Everything is happening, and it’s happening fast and hard, and it’s totally bananas.  I like bananas.  Do you like bananas?

[...]

Anyways, outside of random slow-mo shots of Stone Face staring at the girl, the action is pretty relentless.

[...]

Lovelock: Cartwheels are always the best way to dodge machine gun fire.  I really need to learn how to do a cartwheel.

Starkwell: Why?

Lovelock: Dude, you never know.

[...]

[Now we’re introduced to the cops that Stone Face originally escaped from.]

Lovelock: New characters?  Like I wasn’t confused enough?

[Stone Face and The Girl can’t remember anything that happened before they arrived in the woods.]

Starkwell: Well, you’re not alone.  Even the characters IN the movie are confused.

[...]

[The Big Boss shows up, and one of his subordinates tries to ambush him with a new crew of people.]

Lovelock: Where the hell did all of them come from?

Starkwell: From the looks of it, I’d say “The Matrix”.

Lovelock: Boom.

[...]

Big Boss has super powers, he rips the heart out of one guy and takes a bite out of it.  Then he gets all rapey with one of the girls, takes a bite out of her neck and offers her eternal life, like a vampire.  This only further confused Starkwell and Lovelock, as they tried to figure shit out.

[...]

[Dude with CRAZY RED HAIR flies into the screen and wants to fight Stone Face.  Before they start, he knocks the girl out.]

Starkwell: I don’t really get why he would need to knock her out…

Lovelock: In Japan, women come second?

Starkwell: Dude, that was not okay…

[...]

Sometimes when Stone Face does stuff, guitar solos play.  Lovelock claims that the director can read his mind.  Then Big Boss punches through a guys head and Lovelock started to cry a little.  When Starkwell asked him what was up he simply sobbed “I’m just so happy!”

[...]

[Starkwell seems annoyed.]

Starkwell: Basically, we’re watching a cartoon?

[Lovelock seems excited.]

Lovelock: Basically! We’re watching a cartoon!

[...]

Stone Face and Big Boss end up fighting a field somewhere, and Big Boss explains that he needs to sacrifice the girl to open the gates of Hell, basically.  And that he is Stone Face’s brother.  And that he’s been waiting five hundred years for today.

[...]

Starkwell: Stone Face is taking all of this news rather well.

Lovelock: Nothing can shock Stone Face I tells ya… nothing.

[...]

Starkwell: The girl is wearing white… how is she still so clean?  I mean even without the blood and zombies and stuff, just, dirt from the woods?

[...]

Stone Face is resurrected with crazy super powers and then shit gets even more action packed and IN YOUR FACE.  I don’t hear Lovelock complaining.  However, Starkwell keeps rolling his eyes.  I assume that’s not a rave review.

[...]

Starkwell: Basically you could sum up this movie in five minutes.

Lovelock: But then how would you fit in all of the fights?

Starkwell: I’m not too concerned about that.

Lovelock: Well that’s cuz you’re an idiot.

[Stone Face explodes a guy with a huge gun.]

Lovelock: BOOM! Let’s see you work that into your five minute version.

Starkwell: I think you’re missing the point.

Lovelock: I think you’re missing the point.

[...]

Anyways, the movie is way too long, especially when there’s this much slow-motion added in for effect.  They kind of explain everything, but it’s a hot mess, what with the whole flashbacks and flashforwards to some kind of post apocalyptic future society of bald mutant vampires or something.  Comedy, action, melodrama romance, sci-fi… SAMURAI SWORDFIGHT TO THE MAXXXXXX!!!!! Judging by Lovelock’s grin though, I don’t think he has any issue with any of this.  Starkwell, well, that’s a different story.

[...]

Lovelock: I gotta say, that those 99 years were not kind to the forest.

Starkwell: What’s with the “Predator” lights?

[...]

The end.

Zombie Hunter Rika.

There have been some incomparably shitty Japanese zombie films that I have already subjected Starkwell and Lovelock to.  With that in mind, allow me now to potentially show them another one.  They seem, well, not super excited.  This DVD jumps straight from mildly pornographic previews to the movie.  Definitely a good sign!

[...]

[Scientist Guy gets bitten by a zombie, turns to one in bathroom.]

Lovelock: Okay, okay, off to a decent start.

Starkwell: Yeah, except that it looks like it was shot with an iPhone.  By a five-year-old.

[...]

[Nerd watches a movie called THE ZOMBIE HUNTER.]

Lovelock: Wait… is he watching a movie, or the news?

Starkwell: Either way, it needs better production value.

Lovelock: I’m confused.

Starkwell: I know, reading subtitles and paying attention to what is happening is a lot to ask of you.

[...]

So these two school girls go to a remote village to visit one of their grandfathers who is apparently some awesome doctor.  He wears an eye patch and has a mistress half his age, so he definitely has that going for him too.  We are very quickly introduced to a zombie horde and some guys who will CLEARLY be comic relief throughout the film.

[...]

Starkwell: So many of these mid two thousandy Japanese movies have blue zombies.  It’s like they JUST NOW saw “Dawn of the Dead” and assumed that the zombies need to look like that.

[...]

As much as he hated to admit it, amidst some of Lovelock’s laughter, Starkwell admitted that “some of the jokes actually work.”

[...]

[Grandpa’s young wife is a gold digger, aiming to kill him, discusses her plan with Haircut Guy.]

Lovelock: Rika’s not going to like that.

Starkwell: Is that zombie touching himself?  This movie will not keep me around much longer if it keeps this up.

[Maids compare their bare breasts with one another.  Close-ups on nipples aplenty.]

Starkwell: Seriously, is this movie trying to get rid of me?

[...]

He stuck around.  The perverted stuff was short-lived enough.  Soon the zombies were at the Grandpa’s cabin and all hell started breaking loose.

[...]

[Slowest moving sword battle ever with zombies.]

Lovelock: Honestly, I think most nerdy white guys at a comic con could throw together a better sword battle than that.

Starkwell: I wouldn’t want to watch that either.

[...]

[Scientist Guy from the beginning is a zombie, and yet, he walks and talks and acts completely normally.]

Starkwell: Aw  HORSESHIT.  I’m one step away from bailing on this.

[...]

[Rika wakes up, her Grandpa surgically replaced her severed arm with ZOMBIE HUNTER ARM.]

Lovelock: Zombie Hunter arm? So... the movie that the nerd guy was watching WAS really happening... in life?  Either way, that arm looks like the rubber leg off of a fireman’s jumpsuit.

Starkwell: Seriously, is that supposed to look like a muscular arm?  Because it doesn’t.  It bends all funny in all the wrong places.

[...]

Then there was a make-out scene with Mistress Bitch and a zombie, and zombie bit out her tongue.  Then IMMEDIATELY after, he bit her in the neck, and as she opened her mouth, she stuck her tongue out.  With that glaring disregard for the viewer, Starkwell finally left, without saying a word.  Then a very long time went by before Lovelock even said anything, other than what sounded like a bored sigh.

[...]

[Horribly obvious stunt double does sword stuff in Rika’s place.]

Lovelock: The last time I saw a stunt double that obvious was in the ‘Buffy’ TV show, when they used to put a blonde wig on some buff dude and try to pass him off as Sarah Michelle Gellar.

[If Starkwell were here, he'd say something like "if they're going to get an obvious stunt double, at least they could have gotten one that knew what he was doing."]

[...]

For some reason the Scientist Guy decides to start eating people AND talk in an incredibly high-pitched voice AND repeat the word ‘delicious’ over and over again.  I think even Lovelock was now considering leaving.  Mostly, due to boredom.  Then he spent the entire final ‘battle’ laughing hysterically, because the Final Boss looked like something that would have fit in pretty well on the earlier episodes of the "Power Rangers”.  You know, the Mighty Morphin' kind.

[...]

Lovelock: The story made about as much sense as people that like shitting on one another.

[...]

Yep.  That sums it up just fine.

Zombie Self-Defense Force.

The same director that brought us “Stacy” decided to dive right back into the zombie genre ass first with “Zombie Self-Defense Force”.  After how much Lovelock and Starkwell hated his previous work, I won’t dwell anymore on introducing this film.  Here, we, go…

[...]

[Every Japanese stereotype you could think sees a UFO.]

Lovelock: I guess if it’s a Japanese person making the film, it’s not racist?

Starkwell: Whatever it is, it’s the cheapest computer effects I have ever seen.

Lovelock: It looks like a local mattress store commercial.

[...]

[Soldiers go to investigate.]

Starkwell: She looks like she can barely hold her head up while wearing that helmet, let alone be a combat soldier…

Lovelock: In Japan, women come first… wait is that how it goes?

[...]

As the outbreak starts, RIGHT AWAY, The gore effects are absolutely terrible, but Lovelock feels “somehow it gives it a certain charm… well, so far, anyways.”

[...]

Starkwell: Of course the underwear model survives.

Lovelock: I think she’s a pop singer.

Starkwell: Same difference.

[...]

As much as Starkwell wanted to hate the movie, he couldn’t help but appreciate that the movie doesn’t take itself seriously, and even pokes fun at itself, but in a somewhat intelligent way.  So far, so good.  It also seems to have respect for the material it intends to replicate and "honor".

[...]

[We think Girl Soldier might be a cyborg.]

Starkwell: So Aliens and Zombies weren’t enough?  We need to throw in man-made cyborgs?

Lovelock: Why settle for a burger when you can have a TWO burgers... and fries?

Starkwell: Increased potential for diarrhea, for starters.

[...]

[Pregnant zombie explodes, and then, zombie fetus.]

Starkwell : How could anyone have thought that puppet would work.

Lovelock: Are we watching the same thing?  This is incredible.

Starkwell: I think something is lost in translation.

Lovelock: But no one is talking…

Starkwell: No, I mean between me and you.

[...]

Then for a while, Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t have much to say.  The movie was pretty cookie cutter.  The characters were bunkered down in a house in the woods, zombies trying to get in.  It was all pretty fun.

[...]

[Soldier Girl is part machine – they revived her after a critical injury BIONICALLY.]

Lovelock: So basically she’s "Robocop".

Starkwell: If that helps you understand it.

[...]

[On the subject of why was she a cyborg?]

Starkwell: So basically they just wanted to make her kick ass, but needed an explanation, so they came up with cyborg.

Lovelock: There are aliens and zombies… you would think they would trust us to suspend our disbelief enough to allow her to kick ass without being a cyborg.

[On the subject of why there are UFOs crashing.]

Starkwell: So the UFOs crashing were a coincidence and had nothing to do with the zombies?

Lovelock: Well it appears that the world is ending.

Starkwell: Now I think there HAS to be something lost in translation.

Lovelock: It's pretty simple, basically she’s "Robocop".

[...]

The movie ends, and, in fact, the last ten minutes were the worst part of the movie.

Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead.

In an effort to keep Starkwell and Lovelock on their toes, I have decided to challenge them with what promises to be a ridiculously awful film, Japan’s 2007 entry “Attack Girls Swim Team vs. The Undead”.  I think the title tells us what sort of crap they are in for.

[...]

[Girl swimming in pool, feels a presence, like a zombie or something.]

Lovelock: Surprisingly, she seems to swim competently. 

Starkwell: Considering how early we still are in this movie, there have been an alarmingly large number of upskirt shots, and close-ups on schoolgirls in bathing suits.

[...]

[Coach beats on girls.]

Starkwell: Thanks heavens my swim coach never walked around in a speedo like that.

Lovelock: Or beat on me.

[...]

Somewhere in between all the boobies and bumbums and girls walking around everywhere in bathing suits, most of the school starts simultaneously turning into ultra violent zombies.  There’s a lot of blood and flying body parts, but as Starkwell said, it looks like everything “could have come from Spencers Gifts”.  Nonetheless, Lovelock admitted that he was “grossed out”.  But that could have been because he was eating Greek yogurt at the time.

[...]

[Professor Zombie juggles, spits fire, does acrobatics, throws ninja stars.]

Starkwell: Why would a high school teacher be able to do all those circus tricks?

Lovelock: In Japan, the teachers are often trained in the circus arts.

Starkwell: You have no idea what you’re talking about, do you?

Lovelock: No, none.  But I bet I had you for a second.

Starkwell: You had me for exactly no seconds.

[...]

[Training montage of Ultra Booby Girl.]

Starkwell: This is quite possibly the worst montage that I have ever seen.  WORST PUSHUPS EVER.

Lovelock: It’s hard with those enormous implants weighing her down.

[...]

[Girls strip to compare birthmarks.]

Starkwell: How convenient that the marks are on the boob.

Lovelock: She probably paid a lot for them knockers.  She probably wants to show them off.  Awww… Isn’t that adorable.  Now they’re kissing each other near the birthmark.

[Starkwell abruptly leaves during the hardcore lesbian scene.]

Lovelock: Euuuuuuhhh… call me when it gets good.

[Lovelock also leaves when he becomes increasingly uncomfortable.]

[...]

You know what? I never called him back into the room.   I almost called him back in to laugh at the fact that after the lesbian love scene, one of the two girls randomly had a classical guitar, in the kitchen, and started to play it.  But no, this movie is a real piece of shit, and it only got worse after they left, full of nonsensical plot devices, twists, turns, flutes with supersex powers and, of course, vagina lasers.  As a swimmer, I’m offended.  As a zombie film enthusiast, I’m simply horrified.

[...]

Lovelock: I need to get me one of them flutes.

Junk.

Since “Stacy” is the only Japanese zombie extravaganza that I have exposed Lovelock and Starkwell to, I felt I owed the country of Japan an explanation.  Hopefully the turn of the century’s more traditional zombie fare, “Junk” will give Starkwell and Lovelock a better view of the Japanese zombie film.  If this one doesn’t work there’s always “Wild Zero”.  Lovelock’s mad that he will have to read again.

[...]

[Jewelry store heist.]

Lovelock: Why is everyone wearing sunglasses?

Starkwell: Because “The Matrix” had just come out.

Lovelock: That explains the soundtrack.

Starkwell: And the outfits.

Lovelock: Oh shit, a SEGA building!

Starkwell: For a movie that has the evil American military scientists creating zombies, they borrow an awful lot from American films.

Lovelock: Maybe the zombies are a good thing in this one…

Starkwell: Are we supposed to be rooting for these thieves?  Because they just shot a lady.

Lovelock: She was asking for it.

Starkwell: …

[...]

The movie kicked forward, developing characters, pushing the EVIL AMERICAN MILITARY agenda a little more, and leading up to the exchange between the jewel thieves and local Yakuza.  Obviously they plan on meeting in the secret warehouse where the EVIL AMERICAN MILITARY have been conducting their zombie experiments.  As much as most of the characters are incredibly hateable, the one female lead seems to be a decent person.  Before they had time to discuss this any further, a zombie ran a steel rod through a guy’s neck, and both Starkwell and Lovelock applauded.  The movie was very quick to show us that it would not be light in gore and headshots.

[...]

[Jewel for Money exchange.]

Starkwell: He asked to see the money first, they show him a briefcase, and he says “OK.”?

Lovelock: Yeah, kind of dumb.

Starkwell: “Well, he has a briefcase, so it must be full of money.”  I’m glad he’s dead.

Lovelock: ZOMBIE!

[...]

As the bullets flew, and more and more dead people came back to life, Starkwell and Lovelock stayed pretty quiet, thoroughly entertained.  A lot of comments were made about the American Military Mustache Man and the fact that only the main characters’ guns seem to ever run out of bullets.  Apparently the Yakuza have INFINTY BULLETS guns.

[...]

[Naked Female Zombie has computer science skills.]

Starkwell: How would she know how to stop the self destruct sequence?

Lovelock: For the same reason that the Americans have military bases all over Japan.

[...]

[Japanese Scientist mows down some zombies with a machine gun.]

Starkwell: Where would he have learned to shoot like that?

Lovelock: The same place the zombie learned Computer Science.

Starkwell: Well played.

[...]

[Naked computer whiz zombie kills American Soldier.]

Starkwell: After all of this time, why would naked zombie suddenly decide to put on a leather outfit, in slow motion?

Lovelock: You already answered your own question earlier.  It is because the director had just watched “The Matrix”.

[...]

[Leather Dress Super Zombie hops around throwing Japanese Scientist around the room.]

Starkwell: Where the Hell is all of that wind coming from?

Lovelock: Long answer, the same place all of that fog is coming from.

Starkwell: What’s the short answer?

Lovelock: “The Matrix”.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Well, either that or John Woo.

[...]

[Super Zombie comes back, even after a bullet in the head.  With blond hair.]

Starkwell: Why would her hair turn blond?

Lovelock: So that the male stunt double could wear a blond wig.

[...]

As the credits rolled Starkwell and Lovelock agreed that while the film featured a hefty amount of action, and a good amount of old fashioned gore, overall it lacked character.  In fact, what it lacked most were characters that we would actually give a shit about.  I mean, the film ends with them stealing a car.  Well that and that Super Zombie is still alive.  Fun movie, but really fucking stupid.  Also, why is it called "Junk"?

Stacy.

This Japanese movie from the turn of the century seems to have an interesting enough of a concept.  The movie looks to be relatively low budget, and on the back of this Synapse release, they compare it to Romero films, as well as Resident Evil films… yeah.  Apparently when pretty girls hit puberty, they die and become zombies.  Anyways, as much as I know Lovelock hates to read, let’s get this show on the road. “Stacy” is directed by Naoyuki Tomomatsu, who apparently eventually followed it up with MAIDDROID a movie about a robot in a French maid outfit who does its master’s bidding, and EROTIBOT, which… so… yeah…

[...]

[Bad sound effects accompany a cheesy rise from the dead sequence.  After the female zombie bites off an arm, the sappiest music ever plays.]

Starkwell: Why would those kids hang around that dead girl body?  Especially, if they know what might happen?

Lovelock: The sound effects sound like they’re from an old Nintendo game.  In a bad way.

Starkwell: The music sounds like a bad soap opera.  In the worst way.

Lovelock: Shot on video... tape!

Starkwell: Are they comparing girls hitting puberty to girls becoming flesh eating demons?

[...]

Starkwell seemed frustrated by how often they referenced Romero.  Lovelock wishes that it was dubbed, claiming that it would help the movie be funnier.  The special effects are bad, but in a good way, and as much as the conversation lulled a bit, the guys perked up every time a zombie was shot.  The music, however, made them perk immediately back down.

[...]

[After a long time of nothing, we are introduced to a character, some kind of pornographic puppet maker.  Oh man, the music is awful.  You ever hear the demo song on a cheap keyboard?  That’s what it sounds like.  Thanks CASIO.  The main character is a puppeteer.]

Starkwell: Is it just me, or is this whole movie based on ONE idea?  It’s like the filmmakers hoped that they wouldn’t need a story.

Lovelock: I’m starting to think that watching it was a BAD idea.

Starkwell: Seriously, it’s like it’s written by a nerdy high school boy that none of the girls pay attention to.

Lovelock: Yeah, there he is, making puppets.

[...]

Let it be known, that having liberal amounts of carnage, referencing people like Bruce Campbell and George Romero, and loading your movie with weird cuts, fake commercials and fake news broadcasts does NOT automatically make it cool.  In fact, if it’s done for no reason other than “just because”, it makes the film superbly lame.  

[...]

[We’re being introduced to more characters we don’t care about, more Hallmark movie of the week music, and not much more story.]

Starkwell: It’s becoming abundantly clear that nothing is going to happen in this movie.

Lovelock: A lot is happening, it just happens to be the same thing over and over again, and also it’s boring.

Starkwell: I think this whole movie was conceived as a way to dress young girls up like Sailor Moon and shoot them.

Lovelock: That might be the only thing it has going for it.

[...]

Then there was an incredibly long puppet show scene that put Lovelock to sleep.

[...]

[Creepy old guy dissects a schoolgirl, and runs tests on her severed head.]

Starkwell: Fuck this.  I’m out.

Lovelock: Wait, her face is glowing for no reason!  Pixie dust!  Come back, it’s like Re-Animator, only bad!

[...]

With Starkwell gone, Lovelock had to try and watch the rest on his own, and while the delightfully gruesome amounts of gore should have pleased him, he seemed ultimately disinterested.

[...]

Lovelock: Are we there yet?  Roll credits already. Wait did she just say “Don’t get horny”?

Starkwell: Wait, it’s still going?  

Lovelock: You're back?

Starkwell: I’m leaving again.

Lovelock: I’m coming with you.

[...]

Since they weren’t going to finish it, I allowed myself to fast forward through the rest.  I don’t think I missed much.  Spoiler alert, everyone dies and I don’t care.  “Stacy” was occasionally funny and frequently gory. But recalling movies like “Wild Zero” and “Versus”, I know what the Japanese are capable of, and this is a tremendously low point.  I would assume that both Starkwell and Lovelock agree with me, but as you know, they left a while ago, citing irreconcilable differences with this movie.  Apparently, it’s based on a book.  Maybe it works as a book, but as a film, it did not.

[...]

[I thought it was over, and called Starkwell and Lovelock back.  But it wasn’t over, and they caught some kind of slow dance scene between Puppet Master and the girl dressed as Little Bo Peep.]

Lovelock: You said it was over!

Starkwell: Oh man, movie, stop trying to make a point!  You don’t have one! You suck, movie!

Lovelock: That piano music comes on EVERY FIVE SECONDS.

[...]

Then it really ended, after another forever minutes, and I threw the movie out the window, and set my eyes on fire.