City of the Living Dead.

Welcome to Lucio Fulci’s first film in his “Gates of Hell” trilogy.  I honestly don’t need to set this up any more than that.  Let’s do this.

[...]

[Movie opens with a scream, title shot and then creepy foggy cemetery.]

Lovelock: Do you mind pausing it?  I already need to change my pants.

Starkwell: Thanks, in no small part, to the brilliant Fabio Frizzi soundtrack.

[...]

[People sitting around a medium’s table, and during a séance, a girl named Mary sees a priest hang himself, zombies rise out of graves, and she is pronounced dead.  An ambulance carts her off.]

Lovelock: Well, if she’s dead, why did they speed off in an ambulance?

Starkwell: Seriously, what’s the rush?

[...]

Then this cop comes to investigate and makes fun of the medium and her peeps.  He calls them a bunch of junkies “on grass”.

[...]

[Dude squats in a house, wants to make sex with a blow up doll, and sees some maggot and worm covered bloody dead baby or child or animal or something.]

Starkwell: I feel like Fulci knows exactly how to get directly in my brain make me FREAK OUT!

[Then Starkwell puked.]

[...]

It’s pretty clear that Fulci wasn’t going for coherence.  But, although both Lovelock and Starkwell were thoroughly confused by the seemingly nonsensical plot, they sat quietly on the edge of their seats.

[...]

[Shrink’s girlfriend walks into therapy session.  Patient is mid-sentence.]

Lovelock: You know doors have locks, Doctor.  Worst shrink ever.

Starkwell: Seriously, she’s talking about incest and then the other girl comes in like “HEY SANDRA, WHAT’S UP!?”

Lovelock: Worse than that, when she finally leaves, the shrink dude is like “Now where were we?”  Insane.  That’s why I don’t trust doctors.

Starkwell: Yeah… that’s why.

[...]

Lovelock: Nothing is happening!

Starkwell: I don’t know… I kind of feel like everything is happening.

Lovelock: I know what you mean.  Nothing needs to happen when shit is this fucked up.

[...]

[Mary wakes up, buried alive.]

Lovelock: First they pronounce her dead, then they rush her off in an ambulance, now she’s not dead?

Starkwell: Where is all that light in the coffin coming from?

[Cop hears her screaming, takes a pick axe to the coffin to get it open.  Misses driving the spike into her head by about a centimeter… three or four times in a row.]

Starkwell: Dude, like there wasn’t a better way to get it open?

Lovelock: You’re asking a bit much of this guy.  There’s no time to think when you’re swinging a pick axe.  Or when you’re rocking that haircut.

[...]

Anyways, the cop and Mary set out to find the city of the living dead.  Anyways, stuff happens.  They seem to be tying this in to Salem Witches?  Not sure.

[...]

[Zombie priest smears a fistful of dirt, worms and guts into a girl’s face.]

Starkwell: Ew.

Lovelock: Maybe he’s selling a new face wash.  He seems only slightly less pushy than those salesmen with that Dead Sea mud at those mall kiosks.

[...]

Then a girl bleeds from her eyes and vomits out her intestines and organs.  She then proceeds to tear out her boyfriend’s brains with her fist.  Starkwell ran to go vomit.  Lovelock was like “you want me to pause it” while laughing hysterically.

[...]

Lovelock: Never watch Fulci on a full stomach.

[...]

So now Detective Man and Mary are off to stop the zombie priest, as he is the one, according to her séance vision, responsible for OPENING THE GATES OF HELL.  They think by stopping the priest, they’ll shut the door.  Again, all based, of course, on Mary’s visions.  There are a confusingly large number of characters, so Lovelock and Starkwell are doing their best to stay focused on the Detective and Mary.

[...]

[Kid sees his recently dead mother in the window.]

Lovelock: Why is her face all melty?

Starkwell: I assume for the same reason that the girl that puked her guts puked like a million liters of guts.

[...]

Eventually the Shrink from the beginning ends up at his patient Sandra's house… I thought that the girl who interrupted their session was his girlfriend, but now he called this Sandra patient honey, and Starkwell is pretty sure that his girlfriend, Queen Interrupto, is dead.  But honestly, who knows?  “Probably not Fulci”, added Starkwell.  

[...]

Lovelock: Wait, so who is the girlfriend?  Who is the kid’s mother?

Starkwell: Don’t worry, I’m lost too.

[...]

Meanwhile Inflatable Doll Guy breaks into a friend’s house, and sleeps in the garage.  I should mention, he is on the run, because the police think he is responsible for the wave of murders in town.

[...]

[Inflatable Doll guy walks around Sandra’s garage, walks in front of a HUGE drill.]

Lovelock: Oh man, I really hope that drill is there for a reason.

[...]

After a random scene with Detective and Mary, we go back to Fugitive Pervert hiding in the garage of a girlfriend.

[...]

[Father catches pervert and DRILLS THROUGH HIS HEAD from temple to temple.  With drill from earlier.]

Lovelock: So… Murder?  Jail forever?

Starkwell: I honestly can’t believe that just happened.

Lovelock: I told you the drill would make a comeback.  Fulci and Lovelock, one, Starkwell, zero.

Starkwell: Wait, why is there a score? And how come Fulci is on your team?

[...]

The Shrink and Sandra meet up with Detective and Mary, and while in his office, the window flies open and maggots pour into the room through the window by the bajillions.  It is pretty clear that Fulci used REAL FUCKING MAGGOTS.

[...]

Lovelock: How could anyone film that, and stand there, covered in maggots?  I would freak the fuck out.  I would puke everywhere… no?  Starkwell? …

[Starkwell left to go puke again.]

Lovelock: At this point you must just be dry heaving.  Your calzone wasn’t THAT big.

[Inaudible comeback from Starkwell, from the bathroom floor.]

Lovelock: I can’t wait to see if Fulci can top, what I will call MAGGOT BLAST INFINITY.

[...]

[Sandra takes the kid home, kid’s zombie mother scalps Sandra with her hands, kid runs.]

Lovelock: Normally I hate all kids in all movies, but this kid is kind of a bad ass.

[...]

The Kid runs around the city, but keeps getting ambushed by gross zombies with worms on their faces.  Lovelock and Starkwell both look stressed, although Starkwell’s stress seems to be mostly rooted in the fact that he doesn’t want to puke again, and the zombies keep looking more and more disgusting.

[...]

[Detective, Shrink and Mary stand around in cemetery.  Fog rolls in, they hear jungle sounds.]

Starkwell: What’s with the lame ‘stock’ jungle sounds?

Lovelock: I think I’ve heard those in a Looney Tunes cartoon.

[...]

[Zombies eat people.]

Lovelock: The actors that Fulci would get to play zombies were always so much better at acting like zombies than anyone in his competitors’ films.

Starkwell: You’re basing that on…?

Lovelock: Nothing, I guess.

Starkwell: Ok, just checking.

[Zombie Sandra rips a hole in Detective’s head… brains ooze out.]

Lovelock: So, Fulci CLEARLY has no problem with killing, basically anyone and everyone.

[...]

After stabbing Sandra in the gut to make Mary’s eyes stop bleeding, the Shrink and Mary pressed onward into the weird cave / tomb full of skeletons and zombies, I assume, in an effort to kill Zombie Priest and close the gates of Hell.  Lovelock played air drums the WHOLE time along to the great synth soundtrack by Fabio Frizzi.

[...]

[Shrink stabs Zombie Priest in the crotch, creates a hole in his body that oozes guts and green slime, and then the priest spontaneously combusts, along with the rest of the zombies.]

Lovelock: Arguably the best death scene ever.  EVERY movie should have a scene like that.

Starkwell: Not sure it would belong in any movie.

Lovelock: Name a movie.

Starkwell: “Last of the Mohicans.”

Lovelock: EASY! The last Mohican dies at the beginning, and then like all the Mohicans come back as zombies, and then at some point someone stabs Daniel Day in the crotch and everyone gets set on fire.  I’d probably watch that version.

Starkwell: It’s pretty clear, from your description, that you haven’t seen the actual version and have no idea what it’s about.

Lovelock: Well, obviously not, since they didn’t do it my way, with the zombies and the flames and the crotch stab.

[...]

For some reason, after Mary and Shrink exit the tomb, the kid run towards them in slow motion, and we hear Mary saying “no” and then screaming.  We don’t see anything except the kid running and smiling, so either she is horrified at the prospect of taking care of this child or… honestly I don’t know.  I mean he did have a pretty bad hair cut... Starkwell and Lovelock were completely puzzled by the final scene.  As a movie, this was smack dab in between “Zombi 2” and “The Beyond”.  Not as straightforward, gory and action packed as “Zombie”, but not quite as surreal, atmospheric and horrifying as “The Beyond”.  It’s kind of like a cool band’s sophomore album, that comes in between their energetic debut, and their epic career defining third record, and as a result appears slightly less cool, even if it is still balls out rockin’.

Zombi 3.

A movie so good that it took THREE directors to complete it!  This started off as Fulci’s 1988 sequel to his own 1979 cinematic gem “Zombie Flesh Eaters”, but apparently took a wrong turn somewhere in Bruno Mattei town.  If you want the whole history, look it up.  I’m only interested in what Lovelock and Starkwell will have to say about the finished product.

[...]

[Scientists inject serum into corpse’s head.  Dead body revives, decomposes superfast. Screams.]

Lovelock: Well, a strong start.

Starkwell: Don’t start playing air guitar quite yet, this is probably just the Fulci portion.

[...]

[Scientists shot at, guards killed, top secret experimental drug stolen.]

Starkwell: I think that they spent the entire film’s budget on that helicopter.

Lovelock: It certainly wasn’t spent on good costumes, good actors or making it look real when people are shot.

[...]

[Sick Infected Thief runs to an island resort, hand is all decomposing, face gross.  He gets a room.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never stay at those all-inclusive places.  They give a room to anyone.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[The over dubbing is so bad, that it actually helps make the movie a comedic goldmine.  Their favorite so far was when the Room Service guy, when asked to bring Sick Guy some water, says to the Concierge “Again??!! What is this guy trying to get in the Guiness Book of World Records?!?!”.]

Lovelock: Yeah… for water drinking at a hotel.

[Guy cuts off own hand, blood flies everywhere.]

Lovelock: That’s why when I cut off a hand, I start with the tourniquet.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

[...]

[Outbreak takes over the hotel, and the crazy HASMAT suit commandoes fill the resort.  HASMAT commandoes find original Infected Guy.]

Starkwell: Why would he take his mask off?

Lovelock: So that they can all hear him scream “FOUND HIM!”

Starkwell: But it defeats the whole purpose of wearing the suit in the first place.

Lovelock: Oh, sure, if you’re worried about that sort of logic.

[...]

We’re introduced to a group of soldier boys, and a new winning line emerges when one says “I don’t remember her name, but I sure remember her tits!”  Starkwell and Lovelock repeated it a few times.  The film seems to be introducing an awful lot of characters, such as the young lovers in the convertible, the RV full of nerds and loose women, the soldier boys, the Radio DJ and of course, General Hard-On.

[...]

[Zombie birds… ATTACK!]

Lovelock: SO MUCH cooler than the CGI birds in that Resident Evil movie.

[...]

[RABID MACHETE ZOMBIE ATTACKS… AT THE GAS STATION.]

Starkwell: So, “Nightmare City” imitates “Zombi 2” and now “Zombi 3” imitates “Nightmare City”?

Lovelock: Not to mention “The Crazies”.  It’s like they say, ‘life imitates art’.

Starkwell: What does that have to do with anything?

Lovelock: You said ‘imitate’?

[...]

The dubbing just got worse and worse.  It started to look as though the actors were really struggling to get the English out, but then they just brought people in to over dub it all anyways.  Lovelock’s new favorite line: “I’m free too, in other words I don’t have a steady girl.”  I guess you had to be there.

[...]

Lovelock: Why do people walk so slowly when they’re scared?  Wouldn’t you want to move fast so nothing can catch you?

Starkwell: Especially in a zombie outbreak situation.

[Girl falls in water, guy pulls her out, she INSTANTANEOUSLY becomes a zombie, and her legs are missing, perhaps bitten off.]

Starkwell: Are we supposed to assume that there was a zombie shark?  The same from “Zombi 2”? In the resort swimming pool?

Lovelock: That’s why I never swim in hotel pools.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Anyways, I don’t think that was a swimming pool.

Starkwell: Whatever it was, it has some steamy water.

[...]

Lovelock is able to look past the horrifying plot holes and inconsistencies in the zombie behavior and cheer loudly at every turn.  Starkwell seems less able.

[...]

[Couple complains about how hungry they are and go to the kitchen to look for food.]

Starkwell: Who would be thinking about food at a time like this?!!?!

[Severed zombie head flies out of fridge, eats man.  Zombie rips girl’s face off.]

Lovelock: Answer – About to become dead people.

[...]

At one point Lovelock spent ten minutes or so repeating hilarious one liners of dialogue and doing jump kicks.  Starkwell was just looking at him disappointed muttering “this is sooo not jump kick worthy.”

[...]

[Scientists huddle around whiteboard full of ‘equations’.]

Starkwell: It looks like what a seven year old thinks scientists working on something would look like.

Lovelock: It looks like a connect-the-dots that doesn’t actually make anything.

Starkwell: Oh, it makes something... a bad movie.

[...]

Then the nerd guy got gunned down by the HASMAT crew and Lovelock jump kicked so hard he pulled a muscle.  The movie slowed down a bit after that, which gave him time to recover.  But then a zombie ripped a woman’s face off and pushed her into a pregnant zombie’s exploding womb and Lovelock pushed through the pain to perform a picture perfect roundhouse.  Starkwell wondered “why is there a full grown hand emerging from her vagina?  Was she giving birth to a zombie arm?”

[...]

Starkwell: Why are the zombies just standing there looking at them?  How could there be a perfectly intact and gassed up helicopter just sitting there? Why are there zombies hiding in the haystacks?  Are they ninjas? WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!

Lovelock: You raise some valid questions.  Most can be answered by the following.

[Lovelock performs an impressive jump kick.  Sticks the landing.]

[...]

Then there was the worst twist ending ever.  It pushed Lovelock deeper into the I FUCKING LOVE IT column, and Starkwell further into the WHAT THE FUCK column.  Then there was a sick eighties song during the credits, and everyone agreed that it was TIME… TO… DANCE!

Zombi 2.

“Zombi 2”, or “Zombie”, or “Zombie Flesh Eaters”…  Whatever you should choose to call it, you must certainly call it amazing.  Lucio Fulci’s original undead splatter fest was often imitated, never duplicated.  Although made to cash in on the popularity of Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead”, “Zombi 2” ended up being something so much more than a coat tail riding blood soaked exploitation spectacular.  Well, it still is a coat tail riding blood soaked exploitation spectacular, but it’s such a good one!  This DVD from Shriek show has a second disc full of special features.  I know I’ll never actually watch them, but it’s nice to know that they are there.  After Lovelock and Starkwell enthusiastic reception of Fulci’s “The Beyond”, I’m curious to see what they will have to say about this one.

[...]

[Body Bag sits up, shot in head.]

Lovelock: I think I’m already in love.

Starkwell: You're sort of easy...

[...]

[Cops board sailboat, cop is eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never board an abandoned sailboat.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well that and the pirate potential.

[...]

After the incredible intro scenes, the movie slows down a little as we are introduced to the characters more, and find out that West, the reporter, and Anne, the doctor’s daughter, are traveling to the islands to find out just what happened to her father.  Starkwell appreciated the character and plot development, I believe Lovelock said “I should be bored, but for some reason I’m not.”

[...]

[Then they randomly stop the boat so that Susan can scuba and photograph stuff underwater.  Naked.]

Starkwell: Why in the hell would she scuba dive naked?

Lovelock: She’s not naked.  She’s wearing one of those old fashioned bathing caps with the flowers.

[...]

Then a shark goes after Susan, but wait, that’s no shark.  It’s a zombie shark.  Then there’s an underwater zombie that attacks her.  Then, there is a zombie vs. shark fight, filmed with a real shark, and, honestly, quite possibly a real zombie.  Starkwell and Lovelock high fived and played air guitar.  This continued until it randomly cut to a scene of The Scientist’s Wife showering (with several mirrors placed around the shower, presumably so that we can see both her front and back simultaneously) with a zombie outside her window.  At this point, they stopped and resumed paying attention to the film.

[...]

[THE GREATEST EYEBALL GAG EVER FILMED.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Why don’t they do that in every movie?

Starkwell: You mean every zombie movie?

Lovelock: No. Every movie.  Imagine how it would improve any movie.

Starkwell: You can’t have that in any movie…

Lovelock: Name a movie.

Starkwell: I don’t know… “The Horse Whisperer.”

Lovelock: ScarJo flies off the horse, and when Redford tries to catch her, she accidentally jams a screwdriver into his eye.  BAM! He wears an eye patch the rest of the film.  Totally improved.

Starkwell: Wait why would she be riding a horse with a screwdriver in her hand?

Lovelock: Look, do you want the movie to make sense, or do you want it to be better?

[...]

As the movie presses onwards at a deliberate pace and more is explained, we find out through flashbacks what the opening scene was all about.  Lovelock said it’s “even better the second time”.  Starkwell is noticing that the film manages to sprinkle a little bit of everything into the mix and that “if zombie movies were bagels, this movie would be an EVERYTHING BAGEL”, whatever that means…  Then they showed a group of zombies feasting on Eyeball Gag Girl and I think Lovelock wept a little.  Tears of joy, of course.

[...]

[Peter and Anne make out, in the dirt.]

Starkwell: So all of what they just saw put them in the mood?

Lovelock: Well-

[Zombies pop out of the ground all around them and grab them.]

Starkwell: Holy shit, those are real maggots!

Lovelock: I just got a boner.

[...]

As the zombie horde closed in on them, bunkered down in the church, one couldn’t help but notice how disgustingly scary Fulci’s zombies are.

[...]

[Zombie bites off Science Man’s face.]

Lovelock: Not much meat on the face… Kind of a dumb zombie if you ask me.

Starkwell: No one asked you.  Ever.

[...]

[Brian kills zombies.]

Starkwell: So wait, he shoots one in the chest, and then realizes that only a head shot kills them, but then makes the same mistake three or four more times?  Just shoot them in the fucking head, Brian!

Lovelock: Seriously.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me three times, go ahead and eat the girl I’m trying to save.

Starkwell: It hardly seems fair that she pays for his inability to learn…

[...]

[Zombies have overrun New York City.]

Starkwell: Why would there still be so much traffic on the bridge if the zombies are everywhere?

Lovelock: Look Fulci’s awesome, but I doubt he could get them to shut down the bridge just for that one shot.

Starkwell: Regardless, it’s still an amazing shot.

Lovelock: Oh shit, THE END!

[...]

Before the credits even finished rolling Lovelock was off in a corner somewhere making “Zombi 2” wallpaper for his bedroom.  Starkwell sat quietly, wanting more.  More Fulci, more McCulloch, more Zombi, more everything.  Unfortunately, we already know that “Zombi 3” won’t deliver the good stuff.

The Beyond.

Italian shockmaster Lucio Fulci’s ‘The Beyond’.  It is loosely considered to be a part of his series of “dead” movies, and if it lives up to the hype, promises to be a good one.  This release from Grindhouse Cinema has a fantastically creepy menu, complete with tense music, making this movie already better than most.  The guys have been asking about this one for a while, so, without any further ado, let’s enter the Beyond.

[...]

[Opening shot is a flashback to Louisiana, apparently.]

Starkwell: Louisiana in the twenties was surprisingly out of focus.

Lovelock: And kind of brown.

[...]

[Horrifying images of Hell breaking loose.]

Starkwell: Alright, I’m starting to freak out a little.

Lovelock: My pants are kind of brown.

[...]

[Guy's face starts melting.]

Starkwell: Inappropriately funky bassline!

Lovelock: It’s to help symbolize that his face is becoming JAM.

Starkwell: I hate you.

[...]

For a little while Starkwell kept talking about the added creepy effect that the overdubbing has.  Lovelock rolled his eyes. At the same time, we see creepy white eye women.

[...]

[A plumber comes by to look at a problem with the pipe.]

Starkwell: Hammer and chisel, the tool of choice for all… plumbers?

Lovelock: All good plumbers.

[...]

[The plumber basically gets swallowed by Hell, in a sense.]

Lovelock: I don’t think he’s getting up.

Starkwell: She seems surprisingly unaffected.

Lovelock: There’s a lot of gas down there, she’s probably a bit loopy.

[...]

[Creepy white-eyed blind woman warns the main character of the dangers in the house.]

Starkwell: Take the word of the creepy blind woman?

Lovelock: Wouldn’t you?

[...]

[For whatever reason, the actors chose to try and employ a Southern accent.  It adds nothing to the movie, and there is really no reason for it.]

Starkwell: The whole southern accent thing is getting a bit thin.

Lovelock: I think it’s really authentic, you can hardly believe it’s an Italian production.

Starkwell: That sign reads “DO NOT ENTRY”.

[...]

[Somewhere amidst all of the horrifying imagery and bizarre dreamy dream sequences, confusion runs a plenty.]

Starkwell: I’m so confused.

Lovelock: I’m so happy.

[...]

[There seems to be a near indifference towards death in this movie.  This one revolves around a kid whose mother just died at the hands of the GATE TO HELL.]

Starkwell: “We’re so sorry about your mom, well, see ya!”.

Lovelock: Maybe she can live at the cemetery.

[...]

[For the first time, some people start to seem legitimately scared.]

Starkwell: Where was all of that fear before you decided to break into the creepy forbidden hell room?

Lovelock: Probably in the- GAAAAH I JUST SHIT MY PANTS.

[...]

Lionel wanted me to remind everyone that IBS and horrifying movies don’t often mix well.  Also, don’t eat pepperoni sticks.

[...]

[A man dies by being eating by tarantulas, that start on his face.  An incredible effect for when this was filmed, no doubt.]

Lovelock: I think from now on I might rate deaths on a scale from one to ‘FACE EATEN BY TARANTULAS’.

Starkwell: For this movie?

Lovelock: For ever.

[...]

[Fulci, known for the eyeball gag in Zombi 2, uses yet another eyeball gag here.]

Starkwell: How many eyeball gags before it’s too many?

Lovelock: That’s like asking how many sex before it’s too many?

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

[...]

[Blind woman has a seeing eye dog, that she really shouldn't be putting through all of this.  But then the dog turns on her, thanks to the gate to Hell of course.]

Starkwell: I’d say that’s misuse of a Seeing Eye Dog.  Hopefully-

Lovelock: Woah! Yes! DOG JUSTICE!

Starkwell: If only Jerry Lee had done that to Belushi in ‘K-9’.

Lovelock: The character in the movie or the real Belushi?

Starkwell: What do you think?

[...]

[Randomly, the dead start rising, and we get some righteous zombie action.]

Lovelock: This movie is perfect, is probably what I would say if I understood what was going on.

Starkwell: When the gates of Hell are opened, people pick up and drop their bad southern accents as they see fit.

[...]

[Further Zombie action ensues, Fulci flexes his Zombie muscles.  The main characters hide in a morgue... from the rising dead.]

Starkwell: When the dead are coming back to life, trying to hide in the morgue seems a bit silly.

Lovelock: Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

[...]

I won't spoil the ending, but the imagery is, for lack of a better way of saying it, COMPLETELY FUCKING HORRIFYING.  The movie ends and Starkwell is just sitting there speechless, until he bolts up, says “This wasn’t a movie, this was a nightmare!” and turns on all of the lights in the apartment.  Lovelock is rocking back and forth in the foetal position, but both of his thumbs are up, so I guess that’s as much of a stamp of approval as any horror movie could ask for.  It’s beyond what they had expected.