BURT MALONE LETTERS: Zombies STILL all over the small screen...

People like Malone have been 'binge watching' before there was a term for it, and no surprise, he has been devouring all things zombie that the idiot box has to offer.  So here we go in another edition of "Malone takes on TV Zombies".

[...]

Hey asshead.

Since you just copy paste my letters like the lazy buffoon that you are, I'm going to structure this letter a little more like the rest of your dumb posts where you chronicle the moronic banter of those two tools.

[...]

I'm going to interrupt this, actually to say... HARSH.

[...]

Most people probably come here for Malone anyways.  So give the people what they want.  Alright. So I've been combing the depths of Netflix for more TV Shows with zombies that I have checked out yet.  My search came up, to my surprise, with some totally adequate and competent television.

iZombie, from 2015, is into its third season at this point, and I have to say, maybe it's because I went in with a super low bar, but this thing delivers.  Funny, for the most part, when it tries to be, and a cast of actors that I actually want to keep watching.  Characters that I want to root for!  Look, some of it is a bit lame, and not ALL of the jokes land, but the story and hook to the show is original enough to keep me engaged, and I ended up wanting to go back for more.  Three out of four!

Moving along.  I finally got around to watching Ash vs. Evil Dead.  Bruce Campbell dusts off the old Ash role and slaps it on like a nice comfy old pair of jeans.  Ash seems to be a bigger asshole than I remember... but maybe it's just been that long since I've seen the original movies.  Honestly, seeing him reprise the role, and for an ongoing, well produced, well written TV show... I mean, it give me a bigger joy boner than seeing Ford do Han again.  And believe me, that was a big boner.  Speaking of big boner, damn, Ash is a huge dick.  Three out of four as well.

At some point I knew I'd get to one I didn't like so much.  this brings me to The Returned... an A&E (?) production that is the fourth (?) re-ash of the same story.  I know the French one "Les Revenants" was based off a French movie, so this is the second or third level in of "based on based on based on" or something.  Not a bad show. But how about just doing one that hasn't already been done.  Lump this one in with Spiderman and Batman in the "I DON'T WANT ANOTHER VERSION WHO EVEN GIVES A SHIT IF ITS GOOD" category.  Two out of four.

My journey through Netflix, thankfully ended on a high note.  The Glitch is fucking cool.  It does bear some similarities to the above mentioned re-hash of a re-hash, but it is its own thing entirely.  I won't spoil anything, but it is well written, well acted, and at times, creepy as you want it to be.  FOUR ON FOUR.

There.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Love, Malone.

[...]

Great.  Now I have more stuff to add to my list of things I want to watch but probably never will have time to.  See you on the other side.

Horror Rises From The Tomb.

“Vengeance of the Zombies” was a film released the same year as what we are about to watch.  “Vengeance” was also written by, and starring, PAUL NASCHY.  “Vengeance” was a buttload of stupid fun.  So, in conclusion, this should be fantastic.  Gentleman, start your engines.  NASCHY!

[...]

[DVD goes PLAY MOVIE and we are treated to a NASCHY introduction to the movie, wherein he is holding an axe.]

Lovelock: Do we even need to watch this?  I feel like it won’t live up to how awesome it already is in my mind.

Starkwell: It definitely will not live up to that.

[...]

As is always the case with these Spanish films, the costumes are out of control awesome.  Naschy is wearing a bad ass cape, and appears to be some sort of vampire, in the olden times.  He is about to be decapitated, along with his insanely hot woman who is, obviously, nearly showing all of her boobies in her insane dress.

[...]

[Naschy is beheaded, and his woman is hung naked, obviously, upside down and is bled to death.]

Starkwell: The Spaniards certainly like to cut into a naked bare boob.

Lovelock: Meanwhile the scar faced knight watching all of this happen… ALSO PLAYED BY NASCHY.

Starkwell: I feel a Klumps joke coming along.

Lovelock:  I was gonna go the Martin Lawrence route.

Starkwell: Sweet beheading, by the way.

[...]

[Cut to the present day (1973), and a dashing, cleaned up, suit-wearing Naschy is in an artist’s apartment watching him paint.]

Lovelock: Seven minutes into the film and he has already played THREE characters.

Starkwell: I think that might actually be the same character as the beginning, I think he’s immortal.

Lovelock: Or… BACK FROM THE DEAD.  Whoomp.  There it is.

[It's neither.]

[...]

Then there’s a really cheesy scene where the characters all go to a séance, and the old lady medium talks to Dead Naschy from the past.  There are just so many Naschys at this point, it is quite hard to keep up.  Then the Painter finishes his painting, and it turns out he has painted a headless Naschy holding his head (strangely he doesn't seem to think, hey that looks a lot like my friend).  Then he sees a floating Naschy head above his painting, bleeding and laughing at him.

[...]

Lovelock: Which Naschy is which?  Why did they make him play the knight too?

Starkwell: Irresponsible.

[...]

[Naschy fights off some car jackers.]

Lovelock:  Paul Naschy:  Man of Action.

Starkwell: So, wait, the gang is going to the old Naschy castle where the original Vampire Naschy was killed and buried?

Lovelock: Paul Naschy:  Man of Naschy.

Starkwell: I’m really confused.

Lovelock:  Naschy?

[...]

Ok, so I guess they are digging around the property looking for treasure.  I can only assume that they’ll find NASCHY HEAD.

[...]

[So one of the gardeners opens the treasure chest they found and whatever he sees possesses him, and he turns around and kills some dudes.]

Lovelock:  Oh man, you just know there’s a sweet fucking Naschy head in that chest!

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock:  Totally where “Pulp Fiction” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

The possessed guy goes around the castle killing scantily clad girls who have been left totally unattended, by Naschy and other men, in a castle that has a mysterious murderer lurking about.  The director makes sure to show boobs when he can and, just for good measure, there is another “someone cuts into a bare breast” scene… BLIND DEAD STYLE.  Apparently all of this murder has made the Naschy horny, because he immediately cheats on his woman with the other random servant woman that he has known since SHE was a child.  Stay classy, Naschy.

[...]

[Painter hooks up with his now possessed blonde idiot girlfriend, and now he is possessed.  He goes after Naschy’s woman.]

Lovelock: She’s probably better off dead than with Naschy.

[Meanwhile Naschy goes back to the other woman… probably for a round two.]

Starkwell:  Wow.  Tells his woman to keep cooking, then goes off to bone the young girl.

Lovelock: After throwing dead bodies in a lake.

[We finally see Naschy’s undead head in the treasure chest.]

Lovelock: NAILED IT.

[...]

The possessed gang go on to put Naschy’s head back onto his body, and he gets up and WALKS.  Next, the plan seems to be to shove his woman’s spirit into the Current Naschy’s woman.

[...]

[They put Current Woman into the coffin that the old skeleton of Vampire Naschy’s original woman is in…  But first they obviously need to cut off all of her clothes and grope her while showing full bush.]

Starkwell: Every time.

Lovelock:  Paul Naschy: Pervert.

[...]

Naschy grabs another feel or two of dem boobies before he stabs her.  Then, with a hand full of bloodnad her boobies, he fondles her some more.  Next thing you know Original Naschy woman is back!  Current Naschy Woman has vanished.

[...]

[The possessed gang is to become food for the undead.]

Starkwell: This is working out well for both Naschys.

[...]

Undead Woman goes into town naked and walks into a random dude’s room and seduces him and kills him and, I guess, eats him.  But not before Boobs, Bush, and some unfortunate dude ass and balls.

[...]

[Naschy seduces a random girl in her room in the village.]

Starkwell: I could buy that if a dude turns his head and sees a naked woman, he might be like “LET’S DO THIS”… but are we to believe that a woman would see a fully clothed and caped BEARDED Naschy standing in the corner of her room, hiding behind a curtain, and would STRIP, GET ON THE BED, and begin fondling herself?

Lovelock:  Woman want him, men want to be him.

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock: Either that or it was REALLY easy to get chicks In Spain in the seventies.

Starkwell: Right… it couldn’t possibly be that the dudes making this movie were perverts.

[...]

Basically Vampire Naschy has the world’s most powerful bedroom eyes.  One look and the ladies are like “do me yo-yo master”.  Then… all of the dead people emerge from the swamp and come back to the castle.

[...]

Lovelock:  Say what you will about anything else, but those are some seriously sweet looking zombies.

Starkwell: Meanwhile Naschy hasn’t even really noticed that his lady is no longer around.

Lovelock:  Because he has a new lady… DUH.

[...]

Possessed painter shoots Naschy dead.  He then tries to kill Naschy’s New Lady, but the necklace she is wearing frees him from the possession.  There’s a pretty sweet gore scene of Vampire Lady ripping a dude’s heart out.  Eventually everyone except the one girl die and she uses the necklace to kill Vampire Naschy, but not before a few more boobs are exposed and groped.

[...]

[Girl throws the necklace into the lake.]

Starkwell: Wouldn’t that be a necklace to keep, you know, in case?

[...]

The end.

The ABCs Of Death.

The anthology film has seen a dramatic comeback in the lower budget regions of the horror genre in the last few years.  No doubt because it is a way for several directors to pool together resources… also it caters to short attention spans and doesn’t require writers/directors to come up with an actual movie’s worth of story time.  Lazy?  Maybe.  If done right, these can be a lot of fun.  Think “Creepshow” or the original “Tales from the Crypt”.  But then I think “V/H/S” and I get worried.  As do Lovelock and Starkwell.

[...]

[You know what the big issue here is already… they see that the movie clocks in at two hours and ten minutes.]

Starkwell: I think we should skip some letters.

Lovelock: Is ‘Z’ for zombie in this case?  Can we just go right to there and make this a five minute affair?

Starkwell: Oh God, I hope zombies show up before ‘Z’.

[...]

Can I just say, this movie is fucking insane?  I mean REALLY insane.  Different concepts, ideas, styles, animated SWITCH to live action, different genres, Hell, even different Languages… There’s a claymation segment for God’s sake… The two sat there looking happy, but like they were also being kicked in the balls.  At many points, I thought we would definitely lose Starkwell… FoxLady with tits, aminated shit, dudes jacking off… There eventually were some zombies that showed up in ‘W’ (I'm still surprised they hung on for that many letters...).  Clown zombies to be precise.  It was a bad segment.  But by this time they were totally fucking speechless.  The film would get higher marks if it weren’t so damn offensive (unnecessarily so), and basically pointless.

The Roost.

I don’t know a whole heck of a lot about this movie other than that it is now a few years old and that the director has recently been involved in some of those anthology horror films.  None of what I just said leads me to believe it will be very good, but I’ve been wrong before.

[...]

[DVD Menu and intro has that grainy “faux” grindhouse look…]

Starkwell: So it’s to be one of those?

Lovelock: This was made for the Showtime network?

Starkwell: If it was ScyFy I’d be running for the hills.

[...]

Anyways, the intro is set up as if we are watching some old black and white horror television program.  The director does a decent job making fun of old fashioned black and white cheeseball TV horror.  Unfortunately it takes too long to get going.  Like, yeah, we get it, old horror.

[...]

[The “frightmare” tv show thingy goes on, as he introduces the story of people on a way to a wedding.]

Lovelock: The intro to Disney’s Tower of Terror is more gripping than this.

Starkwell: The movie is only eighty minutes, and he had to pad the beginning with this?

Lovelock:  Plus these credits are taking a good five minutes.

[This is the second round of intro/credits if you count the ones before the fake TV show thing.]

Starkwell: Long, unnecessary… even a bit confusing.

[...]

Around the seven or eight minute mark, now the movie starts.  It’s Halloween (?) and some college kids are on their way to a wedding?  Then a bat or something flies into their car.

[...]

[Old farmer guy goes to lock up his barn and is turned into a zombie by… bats?]

Lovelock: Wait what?

[His wife goes to find him and it cuts away before we see anything, so maybe he isn’t a zombie.  I don’t know.]

Starkwell: Is the movie just going to keep NOT SHOWING us something and then cutting away?

[...]

The film is really poorly lit.  There are a lot of dark shots of the actors holding flashlights and honestly, you can’t see anything.  So the college kids are stranded, and thankfully they are near the farmhouse, which hopefully means someone will get eaten soon.  Thirty minutes in and not much has happened except some college kids getting their car stuck in a ditch.

[...]

[Finally the “goofy” college kid goes to check out the barn.  Dies?  There’s a cop that goes in next, and he… also dies?  Actually we actually SEE the cop die, unlike everything else so far.]

Lovelock: Wait, he didn’t die by bats, he fell out a window?  That’s lame.

Starkwell: Is the cop Trent Reznor?

Lovelock: What?  No.  You’re an idiot.

Starkwell: I’m just trying to find something, anything, to be even just a touch excited about.

Lovelock: Maybe he jumped out the window to hurt himself, today.

Starkwell: Please don't.

Lovelock: To see if he still feels.

[...]

All of this is followed by a whole bunch more of the college kids being all “what should we do?  I don’t know.  What should we do?  Let’s talk about it forever”.  Honestly, JUST DO SOMETHING.  Also, why did they bother make it Halloween, and mention it explicitly... it's fully irrelevant.

[...]

[Finally, zombie cop pops out with a melty face and a rabid demeanor.]

Lovelock: There we go.  More of that, movie, and less of EVERYTHING ELSE YOU’VE DONE SO FAR.

[The college kids beat him to death with a shovel.]

Starkwell: They had him locked up in a barn… why would they just kill him when they don’t even know what’s wrong with him?  Crazy.

[That happens a lot in these movies.  I like to think in real life people wouldn’t go right from “Bill, is that you?” to “SHOVEL YOUR FACE TO A PULP”.]

[...]

Anyways, more running from bats, and hunkering down in a farmhouse, and then running from bats again, and eventually more zombies… but it’s all fairly slow moving.

[...]

[Guy with glasses shoots old lady zombie in the face.]

Lovelock: Wait, he had never even seen her before, and all she was doing was shuffling around in a room…  There was NOTHING about her that suggested zombie, or monster, or SHOOT ME.

[Zombie farmer pops out and bites glasses guy.]

Starkwell: Well that’s more clearly a zombie.

Lovelock: Maybe not.  I mean the dude just shot his wife in the face, maybe he’s just getting revenge.  In conclusion, this is some bullshit right here.

Starkwell: OLD LADY! KILL IT!  That's just bananas.

[...]

Then, as if to say “just when you thought this shit was ending soon” it cuts back to the fake tv show, and the “host” says some dumb shit and then it goes back to the movie.  WHY?!?!?!?!

[...]

[Everyone dies.]

Lovelock: Good.

[...]

The end.  But not before another shitty black and white tv show segment, which, for some reason, this time is in widescreen as opposed to being in full screen as it was earlier.  If you're gonna be lame, at least keep the lame consistent.  GIMMICKS EVERYWHERE! Hate.

The Horde.

The later part of last decade was when the whole zombie film thing was really hitting the saturation point.  After the success of “Zombieland” it seemed like everyone was putting out some kind of zombie movie.  It’s only gotten worse now in the wake of the hit TV show based around the ol’ zombie apocalypse.  Anyways, back in 2009, the French got in on the action with a rather cookie cutter action packed zombie bonanza extravaganza, about cops and robbers and, of course, zombies.  At best it will play out like if Luc Besson made a zombie movie, and at worst, it will be exactly what we expect it to be.

[...]

[People at a funeral, ALL INTENSE.  Some dude plans on going after the dudes that killed his… miscellaneous relative /  friend (?)… so they go and attack a whole apartment building.]

Lovelock: Wait, the bad guy gangsters have a whole building?

Starkwell: I guess they’re squatting in an abandoned building.

Lovelock: France looks like it totally sucks.  And not for the usual reasons.

[...]

So the rag-tag gang charge the group of drug dealers to get their friend back, and two of them are shot immediately.  Wait, I just realized that the rag-tag gang are actually cops.  I guess they were going vigilante style in order to kill the dudes that killed their friend, and and also rescue the hostage.  Too late, the drug lords just shot the hostage and now the “gang” are all hostages.  And the drug lords just killed another one of them.

[...]

Starkwell: Worst vigilante cops ever.

Lovelock: They should have watched “Death Wish 3” beforehand to see how this shit is done.

[...]

The action so far has been pretty good, but it moments later EXPLODES into a frenzy of zombie action when the recently deaded hostages start eating gangsters, and zombies start charging the building.  The zombies are definitely more rabid than slow and lumbering, and take a bit from “Demons” to be completely honest.

[...]

[Weak ass gangster dude jumps on zombie’s back and hits him.]

Lovelock: Dude hits like my grandmother.  They just shot the thing thirty times and it’s still up and about and he thinks his limp-wristed whacks are going to… ?

[Head Gangster figures out to go head shot styles, with a shotgun.]

[...]

The cops and the gangsters decide to WORK TOGETHER, to try to get out of the building.  BEST FRIENDS.

[...]

[Weak Punch Gangster takes down two zombies with his bare hands.]

Lovelock: Where was that before?  I don’t know, movie, you’re being a touch inconsistent.

[...]

The movie trucks along.  There is a fair amount of action, and the dialogue is alright.  The problem?  The characters are ALL scumbags.  Even the cops are shitty cops and shitty people.  Hard to have a ton of fun when you’re not really rooting for anyone.

[...]

Lovelock: So I can root for shitty cops, evil drug dealers or this crazy racist old man that they just met?

Starkwell: Yeah, I’m actually hating the characters MORE as time is passing.

Lovelock: I’m starting to dig the chief gangster guy.  At least he’s staying cool.

[...]

A few twist and turns later, many more zombie kills and a bunch of dudes being eaten, head cop  finds himself at ground level, standing on a car surrounded by zombies, spinning around, with guns blazing like he’s in the Matrix.  Then he runs out of bullets and gets eaten.  Which leaves us with Crazy Old Racist, Head Gangster, and the Girl That Everyone Hates Because She’s A Mega Bitch.

[...]

Lovelock: Honestly, I really hope no one makes it.

Starkwell: That makes two of us.

[Three, actually.]

[...]

Head Gangster and Bitch make it out alive and BITCH SHOOTS HIM IN THE HEAD.  The end.  Roll credits.  It’s the fucking worst.  The worst character makes it. The worst.

Cockneys Vs. Zombies.

There have been more than a few zombie comedies made in the wake of “Shaun of the Dead”, and to be completely honest, none of them ever hold a candle to it.  This is the third film that I can think of that involves criminal types, in England, trying to avoid death by zombie.  If you expand outside of the UK, I can think of even more.  It was like people watched “Snatch” and “Shaun of the Dead” and thought, “I bet I can combine those and make a SUPER MEGA MOVIE”.  Try and guess if any of them has been right so far.  Moving right along.

[...]

[Construction workers find a tomb as they destroy a building, a skeleton rises up and eats them.]

Lovelock: Serves them RIGHT.

[Terrible intro music plays.]

Starkwell: Strong start, however… would have been stronger with a stronger song.

Lovelock: Seriously, why don’t these movies ever go full metal, instead of weak poppy punk?

Starkwell: And I could have done without the fart joke... one minute into the movie.

[...]

[Two idiots plan a bank robbery.]

Lovelock: If these guys pull this off, I’m going to live where they live and I’m gonna rob banks.

Starkwell: That’s a lot of wrong.

[...]

Clearly someone watched a lot of Guy Ritchie movies.  In fact, they even got that old dude from that Guy Ritchie movie to play the two dumb bank robber brothers’ grandfather.  Anyways, it is fairly well written.  The jokes all work.  The old people are funny and the dialogue is quick and entertaining.  It seems like the same crew that opened up the zombie tomb is about to tear down the old folks home where the granddad is living.  So the idiot brothers actually want to rob the bank to get the money necessary to save the home.  Pretty adorable.

[...]

[Montage of their robbery plans, and they go pick up a bunch of friends and family.]

Lovelock: I love a good caper.

Starkwell: I feel like there is probably some stuff being lost in translation here.

Lovelock: The film is in English!

Starkwell: Is it?

[...]

The gang manages to rob the bank, but didn’t realize that the silent alarm was tripped, so they were cornered.  Meanwhile the old folks’ home is overrun by zombies.  Simultaneously, lucky for them, zombies have overrun the town, so the cops that had them cornered have all been eaten.  The zombies aren’t bad looking, and the effects, overall, are as convincing as they need to be.

[...]

Starkwell: I prefer when people don’t refer to zombies as zombies in a zombie movie.

Lovelock: Yeah, that’s one of the golden rules.

Starkwell: Can there be more than one golden rule?

Lovelock: I think so.  Another one is to stop asking so many fucking questions.

Starkwell: These people say ‘muppet’ way too much.

[...]

There’s a scene where one of the gang drop kicks a baby.  It actually is kind of funny.  What isn’t funny is how one of the gang (the girl) already knows all of the zombie rules, and knows to shoot them in the head, and knows that a bite will turn them, and so on and so forth.  However, there was a pretty sweet Christopher Lee reference at one point.

[...]

[Super dragged out chase between a zombie and an old guy with a walker.]

Lovelock: Now THAT’s a good joke.

[...]

Though not as effective as the old folks’ action scenes in “Hot Fuzz”, it’s still pretty funny to watch old people fight zombies.  But that’s the main problem with the movie... It does a lot of different things, but doesn’t do any one of them quite as well as the movies that they are borrowing the ideas from in the first place.  That being said, so far it is still entertaining as Hell.

[...]

Starkwell: I feel like there are a lot of underdeveloped ideas here.

Lovelock: You’re underdeveloped.

[...]

It’s true. I mean what Starkwell said, not Lovelock... For example, they spent all of this time setting up that the building company left money at the bank, and then they ended up actually stealing that money and all of this… but in the end, who cares?  Everyone is dead, including the building company… so why did they bother?  Do they even need the money anymore?

[...]

[The surviving members of the Gang Of Stupid find... an armory of some kind and load up like Rambo (?)]

Lovelock: Lucky for them there’s a double-decker bus that she can hotwire?

[Then one of the characters used the Indiana Jones “no ticket” line when they shoot a zombie off of the bus, and it was super out of place and felt way forced and Lovelock puked a little in his mouth.]

[...]

Eventually they get to their granddad, and we all get treated to a montage of old people with guns killing zombies. A really long montage.  Longer than it needs to be.  It is still entertaining and fun, albeit really stupid.  In the end, the gang and the old folks (the ones that are left) make a clean getaway on the double-decker bus and then a ferry boat, but not before granddad sacrifices himself and Lovelock cries a little.  BUT WAIT HE’S NOT DEAD.  CANCEL THE TEARS.  Solid movie overall.  A touch short, but then again, it certainly didn’t need to be any longer.

Jason X.

Jason’s first appearance as a full on zombie in part six was actually not too bad at all.  There was then a steady decline all the way down into ‘Manhattan’ easily one of the worst things ever.  “Jason Goes to Hell” managed to be entertaining in a dumb, but still fun, kind of way.  At this point in Jason’s history, it is the tenth movie (Jason 'X'... get it?).  There is really nothing left to do, except make it be in space, for some reason, and also in the future?  I can’t wait to hear Lovelock and Starkwell rip this movie a new one.

[...]

[Some kind of first person view opening of doctors working on a corpse.]

Lovelock: So… Jason is Robocop?

Starkwell: We should be so lucky… Also, why would they be keeping Jason alive.

[Some Military Nerd Doctor wants to transport Jason to his facility… not frozen?]

Lovelock: Well now they’re just asking for it.

[...]

When they go to the room to find Jason, he has somehow gotten out of his chains and kills everyone.  Pretty awesome actually, since the characters all suck so far and we're all glad that they're dead.

[...]

[Nerdy Scientist Girl locks Jason in a cryogenic freezing something and he drives his machete into her… through the insanely thick steel/whatever doors, and then the WHOLE place freezes.]

Starkwell: Where does one get a machete like that exactly?

Lovelock: Hattori Hanzo.  Or science fiction.

[...]

Then the movie really takes a turn for the dumb when a crew from the future stumbles upon the “ancient” freezing lab.  No explanation is made as to why NO ONE between the present day and miscellaneous future four hundred years later ever went to check on the lab.  Also, there are androids?  The acting is as bad as the dialogue, which in turn, is as bad as the story.  The music is also terrible.  As are the costumes.  As are the sets (seriously, it looks like they went shopping at a "Star Trek: TNG" garage sale.

[...]

Starkwell: Why is the future seemingly made up entirely of horny teenagers making sex jokes and wearing skimpy lil' outfits?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I sure hope I make it that far.

[...]

Then future dummies thaw out Jason and Nerd Girl from the beginning.  They heal the girl with their healing machine, and revive Jason.  Big mistake.  Then there was a stupid scene where a ‘student’ bones her professor.  And by bones I mean rides him while wearing lingerie and twisting his nipple with huge metal pliers.  Simultaneously, two of the other students bone.  And then one of the dudes does the android, or wants to anyways.  Starkwell got up to leave, but then Jason sat up on the bed and killed the dumb blonde.  So Starkwell sat back down, and decided to stay, at least for now.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure Kane Hodder just took advantage of that scene to really feel up that girl’s titties.  He almost pulled her shirt off.

Lovelock: Wouldn't you?

Starkwell: Wait, what?.

[...]

There was a scene where professor brings Thawed Nerd Girl some food and tells her quite casually “oh by the way, Earth is dead, you’re on a spaceship heading towards Earth 2”.  After the requisite “'Earth 2' is a sick album" conversation, both Lovelock and Starkwell laugh non stop at the fact that her reaction to this news was basically “oh cool, show me around your space ship, I'm not in shock at all”.

[...]

[Jason kills people.]

Lovelock: ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz…..

[Starkwell straight up left and went to bed.]

[...]

There are so many characters.  Like in some of the other films, they don’t even bother developing any of them.  Why bother?  Since Jason just ends up killing them all... I guess.  Body count for the sake of body count.

[...]

[Jason kills more people.]

Lovelock: ZZzzzzzzzzz…

[...]

So, it doesn’t matter who they throw at Jason, even “bad ass” military types, and they all die immediately.   Lovelock said the movie really jumped the shark when the android turned her gun sideways to shoot Jason gangster style.  This movie is really bad.

[...]

Lovelock: No one noticed that Jason was “killed” on top of the healing bed/machine?  And now he’s a super Jason?  And it also created new futuristic armor and a new futuristic mask for him? The healing machine also heals things?  FuuuUUUuuuuck this.

[...]

The movie goes on for so much longer than it needs to.  Between this point and the end, they even manage to put Super Jason in the holodeck where he kills virtual reality campers.  Eventually Jason blows up fighting a black dude in a Halo outfit and then they ride each other down to Earth 2, from outer space.  Yes.  Really.  They set it up for a sequel which thankfully never happened.

Primal.

This relatively recent picture is a zombie film by way of “The Crazies” with a bit of a ‘slasher in the woods’ vibe mixed in for good measure.  From what I can understand, it is an Australian film, so if nothing else, Lovelock will probably enjoy the accents.

[...]

[Flashback to 12,000 years ago, a caveman writes on a wall.]

Lovelock: That’s some pretty fancy feathers he’s wearing on his head... for a caveman.

Starkwell: He’s drawing on a wall.  Clearly he’s more of a dainty caveman.

Lovelock: Pfff… artists.

[He’s attacked and eaten (?) by a rabid caveman.]

Lovelock: Now THAT’s a caveman.

[...]

Anyways, then with the magical magic of film magic, it zooms ahead to the present day, and some young adults are traveling through the Australian wilderness, looking for the paintings that this caveman did, all so that some dude can get a PhD.

[...]

[There’s some guy in the woods killing rabid people with a machete.]

Starkwell: Wait, so they’re driving in the day and this guy is simultaneously killing people in the woods at night?  That’s just bad editing.

Lovelock: Maybe that’s more 12,000 year old flashbacks.

[I’m thinking maybe the slaying happened the night before?  Not sure.]

[...]

They find a tunnel that goes through a mountain that apparently leads to the drawings.  The main girl gets spooked while walking through the tunnel and nicks her arm on a rock.  The blood hits the ground and seems to AWAKEN THE EVIL.

[...]

Lovelock: Man, I can’t wait for the evil to take over and make them all eat each other.

[Blonde girl and nerd start doing it in a tent.]

Lovelock: Well, this is alright I guess.

[...]

Doesn’t take much longer to get going.  With a fairly short runtime, it makes sense.   Anyways main dude kills a killer bunny, and Lovelock made at least seventeen Monty Python jokes.

[...]

[Blonde girl goes skinny dipping.]

Lovelock: This movie certainly is milking the whole dumb blonde thing.

Starkwell: Skinny-dipping.  Alone.  In the Australian wilderness.

[She has leeches all over naked body.]

Lovelock: Well that’s one way to get some booby into the movie.

Starkwell: Sex scene and skinny dipping.  A great addition to the actress' resume, no doubt.

[...]

They develop main girl character a little.  She has the typical “crazy ex-boyfriend locked her up in a basement and tried to kill her (?)” baggage.  Comic relief guy seems to be nice.  Anyways, other than the Dumb Blonde and her Nerd boyfriend, the characters actually are fairly alright.  And then Dumb Blonde goes RABID. Slowly, grossly, and wickedly...  And the crowd goes wild.  There’s also some kind of mini bugs that seem to be eating things, like their tent… and their tires!

[...]

[Since they can’t drive, they plan on WALKING Rabid Blonde back to the nearest town on a stretcher.  At night.  Through the forest.]

Lovelock: So that’s their plan?  Build a stretcher?

Starkwell: What would you do?

Lovelock: I'd hit her with a rock until she stops wiggling.

Starkwell: Remind me never to get sick around you.

[The sun comes up.]

Lovelock: It took them all night to build that shitty stretcher?

[Blonde goes FULL RABID, with sharp teeth and eating a bunny.  Then she attacks the group.  PhD Dude attacks her face repeatedly with a shovel.]

Starkwell: Jesus.  I guess the PhD Dude is taking your approach?

Lovelock: Yeah but it's too late.  Spent all night building a stretcher he'll never use, instead of spending all night bashing her head in with a rock until she stops wiggling.

Starkwell: The 'wiggling' thing is creeping me out lots.

[...]

Then they show Rabid Blonde tackling a kangaroo and eating it.  It looks really fake and bad.  Plus the way she screams is super annoying.  At this point the movie turns into a montage of them setting up traps for their now rabid and homicidal friend.  It’s alright I guess.  Lovelock says he would prefer if there was more eating and less planning.  Admittedly, it’s over halfway through the film and we’ve only seen one rabid camper?  Not exactly the outbreak we were all hoping for.

[...]

[They trap her momentarily, but she escapes and takes a huge bite out of Comic Relief’s neck.]

Lovelock: That’s what I’m talking about.

[Later that night she comes back to the camp and drags Comic Relief away to finish eating him, and throw the carcass in the cave.]

Starkwell: Wait, is she feeding the cave?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but it certainly is all quite PRIMAL.

Starkwell: No good.

[...]

Then PhDude starts to turn and the remaining three draw straws to see who will kill him.  They seemed to not want to kill the Blonde, but now with him, he hasn’t even turned and they want to immediately knife him?  Starkwell straight up starts laughing at the movie.

[...]

[When only the Nerd and Main Girl remain, Nerd decides to fight back!]

Lovelock: So Nerd grew a pair?

[Bad ‘hard rock’ music kicks in.]

Starkwell: Like that helps.

[Nerd dies.  But also kills Rabid PhDude?]

Lovelock: Win-win as far as I am concerned.

[...]

So now Main Girl has to go in the cave, which she was already afraid of before there was a demon girl hunting her.  Now there seems to be some kind of tentacle or long tongue thing following her around (?)…  She runs into the other girl who is apparently still alive but… pregnant with a demon baby?  Other Girl dies, after stabbing herself in the uterus and carving out the demon fetus...  Main Girl is pinned down by the tentacle-tongues, and then some kind of Jabba the Hut creature comes out from the depths of CGI and tries to rape her repeatedly.

[...]

Lovelock: ...

Starkwell: ...

[...]

[She gets away… miraculously (?)… runs out of the cave and bashes Blonde Girl’s head in with a rock… ROLL CREDITS.]

Lovelock: Well at least they finally went with the rock.

Starkwell: So who was the guy with the machete at the beginning cutting up people?

Lovelock: If they had just listened to me before...

Starkwell: And just because she left the cave… why would that make her safe?  What is the evil just turned off now?

Lovelock: Hey, what were those swarms of flies eating things earlier in the movie?

Starkwell: And… and… just… FUCK THIS MOVIE.

[...]

One of the laziest endings ever.  Complete with bad CGI.  Hooray.