Return of the Living Dead III.

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Beyond Re-Animator.

With Brian Yuzna back once again at the helm, Herbert West should hopefully be up to his eyeballs in guts in no time. Jeffrey Combs returns again as well.  Starkwell and Lovelock are happy to see the ol’ gang back together again.  The ol’ gang being, of course, Herbert West and gore. Let’s see how this (hopefully) last entry in the series holds up.

[...]

[Kids have a campout in the backyard.  Older sister hangs around in the house.]

Starkwell: No girl walks around listening to music in her underwear drinking glasses of milk.  Ever.

Lovelock: Like you would know.

Starkwell: You would?

[Girl hears a noise, walks around house to investigate.]

Starkwell: Turn on a fucking light!

Lovelock: Luckily there’s thunder and lightning to light up that... zombie!!!

[Zombie smashes girl’s head in.  Cops come and kill zombie, take Herbert away in a cop car.]

Lovelock: Why doesn’t anyone seem shocked that there is a dead person still squirming around?

Starkwell: Probably for the same reason that the kid just found Herbert’s a glowing syringe full of Herbert’s serum randomly on the ground.

Lovelock: If this movie turns out to be all about the kid re-animating his fugly sister, I’m going to be pretty pissed off.

[...]

The opening credits were as cool as ever, with that awesome fucking music.  But then we get a weird prison scene where West is conducting experiments on rats in his cell, and the cell next door has some “KERAZY” people!  Anyways, apparently the kid grew up to become a doctor, Doctor Philips, and is now starting his new job at the prison, the very same prison that West is at.  Turns out he has requested for West to work with him…

[...]

Starkwell: Why would the warden let an inmate work with the doctor?

Lovelock: Because the acting in this movie is HORRIBLE.

Starkwell: Also, if that’s the kid from the beginning, wouldn’t it have taken another twenty-five years to be a doctor at the prison, and so wouldn’t that make Herbert West MUCH FUCKING OLDER?

[Herbert West says it’s been thirteen years.]

Starkwell: How in the heck did the kid become a doctor in thirteen years?

Lovelock: MAGIC!

[...]

The Doctor instantly trusts Herbert West and decides they will work together, and gives him back his serum, which they inject on a newly dead guy who re-animates and goes crazy and bites a guard.  There’s a blonde reporter who is there for no fucking reason other than to be an immediate sexual interest for Doctor Philips, have huge boobies, and be allowed to roam a prison without a chaperone, much like most of the prisoners seem to be.

[...]

Lovelock: You would think that the nurse in a prison wouldn’t be dressed in such a whore-ish nurse outfit.

Starkwell: Yeah, you would think… This sucks.  I’m out.

[...]

I think it was partly that the reporter went home with the Doctor RIGHT after they met and partly that the Doctor told her the truth about everything.  Also that they boned immediately.  It was so damn stupid.  Lovelock agreed, but wanted to at least wait and see it through until all hell breaks loose in the prison, which it inevitably will.

[...]

Lovelock: More like “Beyond Stupid”, am I right?  Starkwell?  Oh yeah…

[...]

Seriously, the characters in this movie are some of the dumbest that anyone has ever seen.  Herbert West is definitely the smartest person in this world, but that’s not saying much.  In the land of the blind the one-eyed man is king.  In this case the blind are stupid and the one-eyed man is completely insane.  Also it’s boring.  Did that make any sense?  No?  Yeah, I don’t care.

[...]

Lovelock: More like “Beyond Boring”, wake me up when something happens.

[...]

There was a prison riot, and they reanimated the girl using the warden’s soul, the warden was reanimated using a rat soul, and he grew rat teeth, and… well anyways, the point is, I woke him up just in time to see the Drug Addict guy explode after injecting himself with the serum.

[...]

Lovelock: Why is there a rat pushing a severed penis through the air ducts?

[...]

Lovelock: Why is the torso of the Mexican Prisoner able to fly?

[...]

Lovelock: Why is the Reporter dressed up like a hooker?

[...]

He had more questions, but really, what’s the point.  This movie is bad.

Bride of Re-Animator.

Good sequels are hard to come by.  Generally speaking when they are successful it is because all of the same people are involved.  This is not the case with Re-Animator.  Brian Yuzna takes the reigns and tries to steer the Herbert West party into a successful place.  Starkwell wasn’t a huge fan of the first one, but Lovelock thoroughly enjoyed it.  This should make for excellent conversation.  I still never got them to sit down and read the Lovecraft stories.

[...]

[West is alive? And friends with Cain?]

Starkwell: Wait, I thought West died...

Lovelock: Probably not.  I’m just happy the ol’ team is back together!

[...]

[West talking tough to his old mentor’s severed head.]

Starkwell: Now I remember why I hated Herbert West.

Lovelock: Now I remember why I loved Herbert West.

[...]

[Stop-motion finger-eyeball creature.]

Lovelock: Holy shit that’s creepy.

Starkwell: Why would Cain even still be living with West?

Lovelock: Well he did just say he was moving out… but I think it’s just a fight.  They’re BFFs forevah!

[...]

Doctor Hill’s severed head is revived by Doctor Idiot.  Starkwell and Lovelock were yelling at the TV.  I think that means they are into the movie.

[...]

[West and Cain steal corpse from morgue.  They put sunglasses on her so she won’t look dead.]

Lovelock: It was funny when they did it in "Weekend at Bernie’s".

Starkwell: It was?

Lovelock: No, I guess it wasn’t.

[...]

Starkwell: Cain’s got three women at the same time?  Can he let West have one?

Lovelock: Man, Herbert’s married to his research…  Don’t you know anything?

[...]

[West and Cain work on assembling a woman.]

Starkwell: Why is there smoke everywhere?

Lovelock: Man, all mad scientists equip their labs with smoke machines… Don’t you know anything?

[...]

Starkwell: Why is there a pot sitting over a fire in his lab?

Lovelock: Because he’s cooking pasta.  Scientists need to carbo-load… Don’t you know anything?

[Starkwell then punched Lovelock in the face.]

[...]

[Officer Zombie kills the puppy. West re-animates her dead dog, which of course freaks her out, and she runs away from Cain screaming.]

Lovelock: Herbert West Re-animator? More like Herbert West: Cockblock.

[...]

There was a shot of a woman looking through a window at Herbert, and Herbert slowly closed the blinds in her face.  For some reason, it made Starkwell laugh hysterically, and they ended up re-watching it about six times.  I think Starkwell is starting to warm up to Dr. West.

[...]

Starkwell: What the hell is Dr. Cain wearing?  That shirt looks eight sizes too big for him.  What is that a pirate shirt?

[...]

[Cain and West revive the assemblage of woman they put together.]

Starkwell: What, of ANYTHING that has happened over the course of two films, makes them think that this is going to work?  Or  good idea?

Lovelock: Science isn’t exact.  It’s more about wishing and hoping.  And if things don’t go right, fudge the data.

[...]

As the movie wrapped up, we see the disgusting finished product, and all Hell breaks loose, or should I say, West’s creations break loose, Starkwell and Lovelock sat repulsed, amazed, shocked and, I guess, pretty satisfied overall.  Bravo Mr. Yuzna.