Kill Zombie.

A Dutch comedy zombie film, originally titled “ZOMBIBI”, this film will almost certainly be cookie cutter and forgettable.  But then again, how often do you get to see a cookie cutter zombie comedy film made by the Dutch?

[...]

[We are introduced to Aziz, a dude who works in an office with his dream girl.]

Lovelock: Subtitles!?!?!?

[He gets fired, mostly because his party boy brother keeps calling him at the office.]

Starkwell: Why do they keep saying “what the fuck man”?

Lovelock: How many languages are being spoken here?  Sounds like eighteen.

Starkwell: How many do you understand?

Lovelock: None.

Starkwell: You know the subtitles are in English, right?

[Two black dudes get in a fight with Aziz and his brother and they all wind up in jail.]

Starkwell: Did he say “poop in your neck”?

Lovelock: I think that’s Craig Robinson in the Lakers jersey.

Starkwell: I think that might be racist.

[...]

So the two brothers, the two black dudes, a random other guy that was also in prison, and a sexy cop girl end up hauled up in the police station watching the news.  They find out that a Russian satellite crashed down into his (previous) office building and made people go full zombie, and there’s an outbreak all over wherever they are.  Meanwhile Aziz is worried about his dream girl, who is apparently stuck in the office building.

[...]

[All of a sudden they are surrounded by zombie cops in the station.]

Starkwell: How exactly did they not see all of those guys before?

Lovelock: How is there a spaceship?  It’s a movie, asshole.

[...]

The comedy is not bad, mostly predictable.  The zombies look decent enough, and the story is at the very least moving quickly.  They did throw in the obligatory “this looks like a Michael Jackson video” reference.  Why do all these fucking movies do that?  “Thriller”?  Really? A slightly dated reference.

[...]

[Montage of the crew arming themselves.]

Starkwell: Might be the most uselessly long montage ever.

Lovelock:  At least they’re not using the standard chainsaw-sword-cliché-shit.

Starkwell: Guy with two bowling balls?  Admittedly, fairly original.

Lovelock:  Seriously though, when is an 'arming oneself' montage ever bad?

Starkwell: Often.

[...]

Both Lovelock and Starkwell appreciate the slow moving zombies, and that the film tries to do at least one or two new things amongst all of the same old tired gags.  There is a shout out to “Pulp Fiction” at one point as well, when they accidentally shoot a guy in the back seat with a crossbow.  Not as outdated a reference as "Thriller", but still a touch random.

[...]

Lovelock: You shot Marvin in the face!

Starkwell: Are we supposed to know who Ben Saunders is?

Lovelock: We ain’t Nederlander, so, no.

Starkwell: You mean we ain't Dutch?

Lovelock: That too.

[I looked it up… he won the Dutch version of “The Voice”.  There's a Dutch version of "The Voice".  Adam Levine is probably fucking on it.]

[...]

Everyone, except the cop and Aziz, decide to go rob a bank because, if movies have taught us anything, it is that money is certainly very important in the post apocalyptic landscape.  Says Kev sarcastically.

[...]

[Craig “Bowling Ball Hands” Robinson gets bitten, and the random guy from the prison screws them over and leaves with all of the money, and the truck.]

Lovelock: That’s what you get for robbing a bank.

Starkwell: Crime don’t pay.

[...]

Then there’s a drawn out scene of the two dudes trying to kill Craig Robinson, and they literally use everything AND the kitchen sink.  It’s a bad joke and the scene goes on for way too long.

[...]

[Fight scene between two guys named the Barachis and a bunch of zombies, and they film it like a fighting video game, complete with energy bars and a voiceover saying shit like “FATALITY” and whatnot.]

Lovelock: Strangely, it isn’t the first move I’ve seen do that.

Starkwell: The first non Kung-Fu movie?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

The Lovelock noticed that an actor in the background hit his head on something (clearly not on purpose) and he made us rewind and watch it over about four times (finding it hilarious that they used that take).  It actually was kind of funny, though.  So from an actual STORY perspective, it turns out the girl that Aziz wanted to save was a complete whore, so they went all the way to save her but it turns out she called half of the city to come and save her (and bone her... bone her with boner). 

[...]

[With the help of a Russian soldier, they put C4 all over the satellite, but Aziz’ brother is bitten.  It is sad.]

Lovelock: The C4 is clearly just a bunch of sticks of butter.

[Aziz’ Bro is gonna stick around to detonate the C4, and Aziz gets to kill his boss.]

[...]

On the bright side, they end up saving the world. And Aziz still gets the girl, because he gets the cop, who is RIDICULOUSLY hot.  Seriously.  The movie ends with a twist where, now, the safe zone is full of vampires, randomly.  And it feels as if they want to do a sequel.

[...]

Starkwell: Killed his boss and he got the girl?  Living the dream.

Lovelock: Honestly, look at that girl.  I need to go to Dutchlandia.

Starkwell: I think you mean the Netherlands.

Lovelock: It’s pronounced Dutch.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: NEDERLAND.

Starkwell: You really lost me.

Lovelock: Ned Nederlander.

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: As you Americans say we shall play for keeps.

[...]

Solid fun little picture.  Some unnecessary slow motion here and there, some painfully outdated references (“Thriller”, “Scarface”, “Pulp Fiction”), some predictable lame jokes, but overall, this was pretty enjoyable.  Plus they never had to resort to gratuitous boobies etc. (although I'm sure no one would have minded with the main character being as beautiful as she was), which I can respect a lot.  Since EVERY cheesy American made movie always throws in some tits and buttz to try and fill the seats.  Also, what ever happened to the bank robber guy?  Weird.

Evil.

There’s a good chance that this is the only Greek zombie film that Starkwell and Lovelock will ever be able to watch.  From what I can tell, this is straightforward zombie mayhem, with just the right amount of gore, and the correct lack of budget to make it all pretty fun.  Or so I’ve read.  The name certainly isn’t particularly original.  Unless there is something lost in translation.  According to Google Translate, the official name of the film, “To Kako”, translates in English to “To Kako”.  So yeah.  Let’s see what the dudes think.  Hopefully Lovelock won’t say OPA.

[...]

[The Athens (?) skyline is shown, and we eventually hear construction noises, explosions, and then it cuts to dudes looking into a hole in the ground.]

Starkwell: Wait, why would construction workers go exploring in a cave?

Lovelock: So that the can unearth EVIL and we can have a movie.

[There are some serious nods to Raimi-style shots as SOMETHING creeps up on the construction guys and they are, I assume, killed.]

[...]

Then there was a confusing shot of an old bald dude watching soccer, seemingly forever.  And then it cuts to a guy at the game, and then to a bunch of people at a dance club.  Lovelock said ‘eurotrash’ like seven times.  It was pretty offensive.  And it seemed to piss Starkwell off.

[...]

[Zombies at the dance club.]

Lovelock: Wait, were those zombies biting necks or just people making sexy time?

Starkwell: Either way, remind me to never go to dance clubs in Greece.

[...]

[Bald dude eats his wife in front of their daughter Jenny.  Jenny runs.]

Lovelock: Can I just say, the music TOTALLY takes me back to early eighties zombie movies… except with a more JAZZY feel.

Starkwell: At least the movie isn’t wasting any time.

[Seriously, it doesn’t.  Jenny runs out into the streets with a neighbor and they run around dodging zombie mayhem left and right.]

Starkwell: The only thing cheaper than the music is the zombie effects.

Lovelock: I’m actually pretty psyched about them.  And I’m loving the green screen car driving.

Starkwell: Still though… Jenny left behind her baby sibling.  What a dick.

Lovelock: Jenny sucks.  And she was WAY too touchy feely with her gross bald dad.

[...]

There's a Taxi Driver and a Sexy Woman that he is driving, and they see a crowd of zombies and assume it is just a crazy crowd of rabid football fans.  They're obviously not smart.  They pick up another dude, and he explains (or tries) to them that all Hell has broken loose.

[...]

Lovelock: There’s definitely a confused and chaotic “Nightmare City” vibe present here that is making me happy all over.

Starkwell: All over?

Lovelock: Well not THERE.

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Okay fine… there too.

[Sadly, this isn't Lovelock's first joy boner.]

[...]

One thing that both Lovelock and Starkwell have noticed is how much better looking the women are than the men in this movie.

[...]

Lovelock: If the good looking woman to ugly man ratio is correct... Remind me to go to Greece on my next vacation.

Starkwell: You’ve never left town.

Lovelock: Hopefully Greece survives the outbreak.

Starkwell: You know this isn’t real right?

Lovelock: How long would it take to drive there?

[...]

The movie goes on to introduce a lot of the characters, but they aren’t really developed much.  There’s the perverted Taxi Driver, who wants to lick the Sexy Girl’s feet (?), the Schoolgirl with the dead parents, and so on and so forth.  Up until now, honestly, neither Lovelock nor Starkwell actually give much of a shit about any of the characters.  The movie is focusing on two groups of survivors.  One of said groups just ran into some kind of soldier dude, and then, they run into the other group.  So now all of the characters are together at a Greek restaurant, eating.  At least they are making it easy to keep track of everybody.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m guessing they don’t call it Greek restaurant when in Greece, instead, simply, RESTAURANT.

Lovelock: How could they be eating, drinking and giggling at a time like this?

[...]

[Zombies show up at the restaurant, and the survivors go on a kill rampage.]

Starkwell: Did she just kick his head off?

Lovelock: A good zombie movie always allows zombie limbs and shit to be cut and ripped like room temperature butter.

Starkwell: Good to know.

[Then, amidst all of the terrific gore, Lovelock did a few roundhouse kicks.]

[...]

They immediately ditch the soldier, deciding he is crazy, and now they are down to only five in the group… Schoolgirl, Sexy Girl, Taxi Perv Guy, Old Dude and of course, Boring Girl.  That’s about as accurate a description as I can give, given the lack of character development.  Then there’s a scene where the Schoolgirl tells them that she is almost fifteen… honestly, the actress playing her looks to be well into her twenties.  It’s all a bit silly.  The comedy, on the other hand, isn’t very silly or effective at all.

[...]

[Randomly, Sexy Girl decides to bone Taxi Guy, and he starts by sucking all on her toes and shit.]

Starkwell: For real?  Why?

[Before he can bone her, she gets bitten and old dude blows her head off.]

Lovelock: Zombies.  The ultimate cock blocks.

[...]

Anyways, the movie carries on with the people fighting zombies, and to be fair, the gore is fairly creative, even if the story is not.  Some more people die, crazy soldier comes back to save the day, and in the end, they wind up at the soccer stadium surrounded by a hundred bajillion zombies charging them all at once.

[...]

Starkwell: Why would they choose to go and stand in the middle of an open field?

Lovelock: Because they are, the dumbest fucking assholes ever in a zombie movie ever.  The end.

[...]

The end indeed.  Fun, but man, the writers made some odd, possibly lazy, choices.

Apocalypse of the Dead.

Also known as “Zone of the Dead”, I don’t know a Hell of a lot about this movie, other than the fact that it was made a few years ago and manages to star “Dawn of the Dead” ass kicker Ken Foree.  That’s got to mean something.  Either the movie is good, or Ken Foree needed to eat.  It is a Serbian film… so there’s that that already sets it apart from the pack, at least a little.

[...]

Lovelock: Why was Ken Foree in Serbia?

Starkwell: Alright, this one looks REALLY cheap.

Lovelock: The film stock looks like the same as those CBC Original shows used in the eighties.

Starkwell: I’m not letting you work in another "Littlest Hobo" reference.

Lovelock: I was actually thinking "Kids In the Hall".

Starkwell: I actually find it has the quality of those Mexican soap operas.

[...]

Some of the actors have been overdubbed, others not.  With the exception of a couple of main characters EVERYONE has a thick accent.

[...]

Starkwell: Why would two Serbians speak to each other in English?

[...]

Then a bunch of soldiers are monkeying around with their pistols, as people do, and shoot a hole in the HUGE freight train parked next to them carrying some kind of nerve gas, that I assume is about to make everyone go all zombie.  This just might be one of the dumbest causes for an outbreak ever.  On the bright side, the running and rabid style zombies don’t look half bad.

[...]

[Ken Foree and some other agents are to escort a criminal dude to somewhere.]

Lovelock: ESCORT MISSION??!?!?!  If this were a video game, I would shut it off now.

[...]

There’s a whole evil military thing starting to play out, it’s all pretty cookie cutter.  The escort mission has officially gone awry, and they are now smack dab in the midst of a real zombie apocalypse.  A zone of the dead, if you will.  An apocalypse of the dead.  Then there was a really fucking amazing car stunt and Lovelock FLIPPED OUT.  Then they find a few survivors who are, obviously, scantily clad girls with huge cans.   There’s some kind of super soldier dude who is out there alone killing zombies.  He’s unstoppable, it seems.  Also… Great gore.

[...]

[One of the main old dudes has been bitten and his wound looks disgusting.]

Starkwell:  GROSS.

[Ken Foree and Infected Hand Wound Old Man have a heart to heart.]

Lovelock: This is just lke that movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman… you know the one about the shit list?

Starkwell: “Bucket List”?

Lovelock: More like bucket of shit.  That movie needed a zombie outbreak.

[...]

[They find a severed head that still wiggles!]

Lovelock: Wait did that guy say it was from Chernobyl?

[Old Man turns, Main Girl shoots his brain.]

Lovelock: It’s about FUCKING TIME.

[...]

Something they just noticed is that the characters don’t really have names.  PROFESSOR and PRISONER and etc.

[...]

[Ken Foree says “It’s dawn” when they step outside.]

Lovelock: Oh I GET IT.

Starkwell: Bravo.

[...]

[Ken Foree is surrounded by zombies… but these ones don’t run… all of a sudden…]

Starkwell: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… CONSISTENCY is important.

[...]

The movie drags a little, but it is pretty action packed.  At the ninety minute mark there is an all out war between the surviving main characters and a huge group of zombies.  There is head splitting, gunplay, and Ken Foree saying cheesy one liners.  What more do you need?  Well, story, I suppose.

[...]

[Prisoner runs off into the sunset alone.  And it’s like it was set up for a sequel.]

Lovelock: I kind of wish there was a sequel.  I’d watch it.

Starkwell: Strangely enough, I think I would too…

[...]

Good?  Kind of, I guess.  Miles better than anything the Asylum puts out?  Absolutely.  By all rights, Lovelock and Starkwell should have hated this movie, but they didn’t.  They even, dare I say, had fun.  An unexpected delight.

Zombie Night.

I’m not sure how these SyFy originals keep getting made.  Or how they seem to keep getting semi-decent actors.  Nick Lyon’s turds featured actors like Trejo, Levar Burton, Mariel Hemingway, even Ving Rhames.  This one, directed by John “Piranha 3DD” Gulager, manages to get Daryl Hannah and Anthony Michael Hall.  Considering the dude who wrote the story also wrote and directed The Asylum’s “Abraham Lincoln Vs. The Zombies” stinker, and previously worked on Playboy Videos, I’m not expecting Lovelock and Starkwell to be all that impressed.  What’s more, the screenplay was written by the same team that wrote “Rise of the Zombies” for last year's SyFy Orginal zombie piece of shit.  Yuck.

[...]

[Anthony Michael Hall and his daughters drive home, they hit a dude, it’s a zombie.]

Starkwell:  Well at least they’re not wasting any time.

Lovelock: Obviously they’ve stopped RIGHT next to a cemetery.

[A bunch of corpses rise from the graves.]

Lovelock: I’ll give it points for at least TRYING to having the vibe of the old school.

[They seem to be going with an older school approach to the effects as well, seemingly using minimal CG.]

[...]

It makes no sense, but somehow even though it seems like the zombies JUST started rising, it seems like looting and craziness is already breaking out everywhere.  It would take longer than that.  Hopefully.

[...]

[Cop at the morgue fights reanimating corpses.  Dies.]

Lovelock: Nice.

Starkwell: It is actually sort of refreshing to see someone move away from the whole "rabid-virus" theme that plagues recent zombie fare.

[...]

Then Anthony Michael Hall loses one of his daughters.  She falls in a grave and is eaten.  He and the surviving daughter try to figure out what to do.  Anyways, the action continues pretty steadily as dead people continue to beat the shit out of and eat people.  Meanwhile, there was a scene where Daryl Hannah watches, through the peephole in her door, a girl get killed and dragged away.  It was legitimately pretty sweet.  We are also introduced to the family of Anthony Michael Hall’s daughter’s boyfriend.  The father is Cameron from Ferris Bueller.  Also, he’s a complete asshole.  For the next little while Lovelock and STarkwell didn’t say much.  This is all pretty by-the-numbers zombie stuff.  It’s all been done before, and usually much better.  But then again, often much worse.  There was a scene where Anthony Michael Hall killed a zombie with a wrench, and that was pretty sweet.

[...]

[Daryl Hannah helps her old mother around.]

Lovelock: DEAD WEIGHT.  They need to lose that shit.  She’s gonna have a heart attack any minute and turn.

Starkwell: That’s a little harsh dude.

Lovelock: Survival of the fittest.  Or at least, the less old.

[...]

I think she’s practically blind.  And then, as Lovelock fucking called it, once she is put down in the basement, something startles the old bag and she has a heart attack and falls down dead.  When Daryl Hannah and Neighbor go to check on her, she attacks them.  Predictable, but still pretty sweet.

[...]

Lovelock: And that’s why, you always put the oldies in a home.

Starkwell: You are an awful human.

Lovelock: Awfully right all the time.

[...]

There are WAY too many characters in this thing.  That would be fine if they were developed at all, or at least if the acting and dialogue were any good.  But in an hour and a half, trying to squeeze this many people into the story feels forced and Starkwell is losing his patience.

[...]

[Some character leaves her kid in a room alone, and the kid ends up facing a zombie.]

Starkwell: This movie is just a series of scenes where people get left in a room alone and end up face to face with a zombie.  And then people come to check on them, and then it's like "OH NO TOO LATE".

Lovelock: I feel that basically nothing has happened so far.  This movie could have been two minutes long.

[...]

They are slowly losing their patience.  It’s not that the action is bad, it’s just that without a story of ANY KIND to really make any of it matter, all we are left with is meaningless zombie kills.  I’ve lost track of who’s who.  Daryl Hannah, I think, is married to Hall, but now I realize that the girl from the beginning who fell in a grave and was eaten wasn’t their daughter?  Who knows.

[...]

[Cameron from Ferris Bueller turns Hall, Hannah and family away, and then he wants to shoot his son in the head.]

Starkwell: Stone cold.

Lovelock: Well, at least we know he’ll probably be dead soon.

[Since this movie is insanely fucking predictable.]

Lovelock: I feel like there's probably a good "Ferris Bueller" joke to be made here, but it's just been too long since I've seen the film.

[...]

The movie continues, SLOWLY, as they all fight for survival.  There’s a greenhouse scene that stuck out and was pretty sweet, but yeah, then it goes on seemingly forever and eventually ends, happily for a few of the characters I guess.  Overall this was a decent amount of fun and head and shoulders above the Nick Lyon SyFy Originals.  Still, all in all, it’s fucking awful.

Infected.

You got to hand it to people that don’t bother to find a name for their film that hasn’t already been used.  Hand them a trophy for laziness.  "Infected" might be the most generic name ever.  Anyway, this one somehow has Michael Madsen in it, and looks terrible.  It starts fairly quickly, with a narrator talking about how the Earth has gone to shit, and then cuts to Michael Madsen and some other people hauled up in a cabin in the woods, fighting off zombies.

[...]

[Terrible effects, overbearing shitty music, and HORRIFYING over acting from Madsen.]

Lovelock: How?

Starkwell: Dude needs to eat, I guess.

[The sound mixing is hard to sit with.]

Starkwell: It sounds like the sound was recorded on an old tape recorder and then played back through a phone.

[...]

Anyways, then it says “TWO HOURS EARLIER”, so now I suppose we are going to be treated with the boring story of how they got to that point.  Sometimes a good actor like Madsen can lend credibility to a shitty film, but instead, he just helps everyone else look EVEN WORSE.  Madsen isn’t the only recognizable character actor in here.  William Forsythe is in this one too and is wearing a terrible wig.  Thinking about how much money this thing might have cost to make, is just depressing.  It doesn’t LOOK cheap, it just FEELS fucking cheap.

[...]

Lovelock: This is painful.

[...]

Two characters that we haven’t seen before are out in the woods… one’s a nerd, the other a… prostitute?  And they… hump in the woods?

[...]

Starkwell: Why do these movies always think they need to shows boobies?

Lovelock: Some people will overlook a lot when there are boobies.

Starkwell: You?

Lovelock: No.  Those weren’t even really good boobies anyways.  Maybe for good boobies.

[...]

The conversation went on about boobies for a while and then they both got up and left.  Watching it in fast forward, it seems like the zombies show up around the thirty minute mark, and by the hour mark, we are back to where we were before it said “TWO HOURS EARLIER”.  Anyways, it ends on a downer.  Hooray!  It’s certainly not the worst, but still SO FAR AWAY from being any good.  There’s a whole end part with black and white zombies and the dudes building a vehicle and like weapons and shit, and it’s all just so fucking played.  Runtime ninety minutes, feels like infinity.

Dawn of the Dead.

Zack Snyder, nowadays, is known for making large scale movies that pretty much look and feel like cut scenes from a video game.  Don’t get me wrong, it might be a decent video game at times, but a video game nonetheless.  At this point I’m not sure how much the actors actually even have to act anymore in his movies.  This is part of the reason why, when looking back, it’s pretty peculiar and, well, awesome, that when Snyder decided to “re-boot” Romero’s classic “Dawn of the Dead”, he went fully old school for the special effects and used minimal amounts of CGI.  But I digress, Starkwell and Lovelock, I present to you, the re-make of your beloved classic.

[...]

[Blonde Girl named Ana works at a hospital as a nurse.  People seem to be getting sick.  Emergency broadcasts on the TV and whatnot.]

Starkwell: It’s interesting that Snyder already plays on the fact that the audience knows it’s a zombie film, and so he puts in all these hints that shit’s about to go down.

[And then shit goes down immediately.  Little Zombie Girl shows up and eats Ana’s boyfriend.  Zombies run!]

Lovelock: Well, he certainly isn’t wasting any time.  Although, I do wish that it wasn’t a little kid.  Kids are lame.

Starkwell: Nothing’s ever good enough for you.

[Boyfriend turns immediately, Blondie goes outside, all Hell has broken loose.]

Lovelock: Ok… I’ll forgive the kid thing.

[...]

It’s definitely more of a “loosely based on” type of a thing, according to Lovelock.  In any case, the two of them sat pretty quietly as the gang of characters ended up almost immediately at the mall.  There are the “regular” good guys and the “not so good” good guys and the “totally bad, at least for  for now” guys.  There was a nice Tom Savini cameo at one point that made Lovelock applaud.  And then shortly thereafter there was a Ken Foree cameo and he was like “THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT.”

[...]

[Two Asshole Security Guards act like they own the place, but the Get Along Gang turn the tables on them and put them in a holding cell. Some more people show up, and Get Along Gang let them in and now the Get Along Gang is bigger.]

Starkwell: With this new group, I’m sure we’ll be able to cover all the clichés.

Lovelock: Obviously there’s the rich snob guy, the organ player, the criminal!

Starkwell: The father-daughter duo!  The preggers chick!  The slut!

Lovelock: They turn much faster in this one than in the original.

Starkwell: Yeah… except the pregnant woman, who seems to be taking a long time to turn.

[Fat Woman dies, immediately comes back.]

Lovelock: First the Kid Zombie, now the Fat Zombie?   "Covering all the clichés" is right…

[...]

Then there’s a montage of them living at the mall, for… I don’t know how long.  Richard Cheese plays and Lovelock dances.  The two Asshole Security Guards are still locked in the holding cells.

[...]

[Mekhi’s Pregnant Russian Wife is strapped down to a bed squirming, turning into a zombie and going into labor.]

Starkwell: So… no one is noticing any of this?  No one has been like “Hey ummm… about the whole ‘your wife is chained to the bed thing’?”

[...]

Then one of the Asshole Guards (the real scumbag one) gets all eaten and Lovelock was like “aw yeah comeuppance”.  And then the other Asshole Guard, C.J., totally helped out and became a valuable member of the team and he was like “aw yeah redemption”.

[...]

[Zombie Preggers explodes with a Zombie Baby, Old Lady walks in on it.]

Lovelock: So good! The Old Woman is like “Hey hon', I brought some candles! OH SHIT ZOMBIE! KILL IT!”

[Mexican Standoff between Mekhi and Old Woman.]

Starkwell: And the winner is… no one?

Lovelock: Dude, the winner is both of us.

[Zombie Baby.]

Lovelock: Well, there it is.  All the lame clichés possible.

[...]

The old lady didn’t become a zombie, so they concluded that only if you die from a BITE do you turn.  This is definitely a departure from Romero’s vision, and a source of anger for Starkwell.  Lovelock and Starkwell argued about this during a montage of the Get Along Gang preparing buses for their upcoming trip to the marina.  Apparently the plan is to take Rich Snob’s boat to an island.

[...]

[C.J. sacrifices himself for the good of the Get Along Gang.]

Lovelock: And with that bit of redemption, the final cliché checkbox is ticked.

Starkwell: Well… we still need a sad ending.

[Get Along Gang sail off into the sunset.  Arrive at an island… but… it’s overrun with zombies.  EVERYONE DIES.]

Starkwell: There it is.

[...]

This movie was very successful, and was honestly a fair re-imagination of the original, albeit not very faithful or particularly inventive.  But it had characters that you actually grew to like, and care for, and was a lot of fun to watch.  The biggest issue with this movie was that its success spawned a bajillion mockbuster copycats of this new zombie film formula.  But Starkwell and Lovelock won’t let that take away from how much they enjoyed this remake.  Anyways, they said a big part of what sets this apart from the cookie cutter zombie schlock out there is character development.

Last of the Living.

New Zealand has already made its mark on the zombie genre.   But does New Zealand have more to offer?  This 2009 effort from first time, and thus far only time, writer-director Logan McMillan has some pretty big New Zealandy shoes to fill.  PLAY MOVIE!!!!!!!!!!!

[...]

[Character Introduction.]

Lovelock: I don’t know if it’s just the accents, but I already love these dudes.

Starkwell: It may be the accents.

[Character makes a fuss about needing a bookmark rather than folding the corner of the page.  During a zombie apocalypse.]

Starkwell: Alright, it’s probably just because they’re awesome.

[...]

The soundtrack was already getting on Starkwell’s nerves, but it’s not necessarily a deal breaker.  Lovelock already made a comment about how the zombie and blood effects so far are terrible… but “if the characters hold up, it won’t really matter.”  Starkwell agreed, saying “character and story are number one, the rest is just bonus if it’s any good.”

[...]

[Characters loot a CD store.]

Lovelock: Probably the first place that I would loot too.

Starkwell: Not really practical…

Lovelock: A proper soundtrack to live through the apocalypse is essential to living through the apocalypse.

[...]

[Characters find Girl and her Dad, zombie attacks Dad.]

Starkwell: Jesus, you weren’t lying when you said that the effects were garbage.

Lovelock: Seriously, is that a zombie priest or a carnival clown or... ?

[...]

[Johnny tries his trademark HURRICANE punch… it fails.]

Lovelock: I love that he keeps trying it out.

Starkwell: It’s so slow.

Lovelock: Best thing since the foot sweep in “Napoleon Dynamite.”

[...]

So after picking up Stef, they join her in her plot to get a zombie blood sample back to the scientist island and save the world.   They'll have to get there by plane... Ash flies apparently.  Pretty convenient.  Starkwell and Lovelock were pretty quiet.  They were laughing here and there, because the jokes were actually funny.  The film clearly owes a lot to “Shaun of the Dead” and other recent zombie comedies, but it’s not like it’s a blatant rip-off of anything…

[...]

[Ash gives Morgan shit about how badly he treats women.]

Lovelock: Ash is the best.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[...]

[Johnny gets bitten, says he’ll be a decoy for them, so they can get away.]

Lovelock: Awwww man… that’s the only problem with a movie having characters that I actually like… when they die it’s really sad.

Starkwell: Are you crying?

Lovelock: What? No, it’s just eye sweat, from being so manly.

[...]

There was this really dragged out driving sequence that annoyed Starkwell.  He keeps claiming that the movie is good, but “some of the director’s choices are preventing it from being REALLY good.”  Lovelock told him he was being a jackass.  But then there was a shot of a zombie saying “brains” and then farting, and Lovelock was all “yeah, maybe you’re right.”

[...]

[Ash lands the plane.]

Lovelock: Movies really have a tendency to make flying a plane and landing it ridiculously easy.

Starkwell: That’s why it’s called MAKE-BELIEVE.

[...]

Lovelock: Lesson number one, never go to a small island in a zombie apocalypse scenario.

[...]

Outside of a HUGE plothole wherein Morgan turns IMMEDIATELY into a zombie, even though Stef the scientist said earlier in the film that it takes an hour to turn, the movie was perfectly alright.  Starkwell claims that at that moment they jumped the shark, Lovelock disagreed.  Cookie cutter stuff, but well worth a watch.

Zombie Diaries.

It seems like documentary style is all the rage in recent years.  While this “cheap” and “lo-fi” feel can produce genuinely scary stuff, most of the time, it just ends up looking cheap and lo-fi.  It can be cheap to make movies in this fashion, which might be why they have become fashionable.  Excited to see which side of the fence late two thousandies’ “Zombie Diaries” ends up on, Starkwell and Lovelock sit prepared, waiting, watching, judging.   Often farting.

[...]

[HASMAT suits collect sample from dead zombie.]

Starkwell: When that HASMAT guy reached his arm over you could see his exposed wrist.  Why wouldn’t the director try just a little harder for realism?

Lovelock: Scientists can make mistakes.

Starkwell: Right... but directors shouldn't make ones THIS big and obvious.  Just duct tape the gardening gloves to the suit.  Fuck, they probably did twenty takes and that was the best one they had.

Lovelock: I thought it was convincing.

Starkwell: That’s because you’re an idiot.

[...]

Starkwell: Bad British acting somehow always seems better than bad American acting.

Lovelock: I think it’s the accent.

[...]

The story progressed, the characters seemed likeable enough.  Starkwell and Lovelock sat quietly, waiting for something to happen.  The “cameraman” in the movie says he is constantly filming because he wants to document everything.  Starkwell wonders why that means they have to show it all to us... Lovelock says he wishes that CAMERAMAN would “discriminate a little more.  Who gives a shit about a bunch of arguing British reporters?”

[...]

[Lights go out in farm house, flashlight camera finds the first zombies.]

Lovelock: [… nervous fart… ]

Starkwell: HASMAT Suit continuity error from the beginning is still leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

Lovelock: Are we watching the same thing?

[Random cut to DIARY TWO which is one month later.]

Lovelock: Awww… just when it was getting good.

Starkwell: What the what?  So it wasn’t enough to make a documentary style zombie film?  That had to make weird scattered and disjointed timeline and chronology too?  Will we ever find out what happened?  Do we care?

Lovelock: It’s overcomplicating messes like this that lead to such scenes as "HASMAT guy with an exposed wrist".

[...]

[There’s an American guy now.]

Starkwell: See what I mean?  The American seems like a much worse actor than the others.  But in reality, they are probably ALL terrible.

Lovelock: Totally.  I think I’d get away with a lot more if I sounded British.

[...]

This “part 2” starts just as slowly as part one did, with the exception of one decent looking zombie getting his head blown off.  If we’ve learned anything from “part 1” it’s that it will randomly change to a “part 3” as soon as we start seeing some action.

[...]

[That’s exactly what happened.]

Starkwell: COME ON!  Shifting around the order of your movie into weird segments doesn’t automatically make it interesting, you assholes.

Lovelock: I’m more concerned with how boring it is, regardless of order.

[Director makes a Twin Towers reference.]

Starkwell: Dude, weak.

Lovelock: I’m still more concerned with how boring this all is.

[...]

Starkwell: Someone should tell these guys that ‘documentary style’ doesn’t mean it has to be out of focus and motion sickness-y.

Lovelock: Were they shooting at zombies?  I’m not even sure what just happened.

Starkwell: They should have ended this movie after “part 1”.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were quiet then for a while, visibly annoyed at the movie, the characters and the dialogue.  Lovelock can be pretty easy to win over, but this movie is not giving him the good stuff.  Randomly it cut back to the characters from “part 2” and Starkwell just made a weird sound.  It sounded like a laugh, mixed with a painful cry of some kind.

[...]

Starkwell: Well at least they ate the shitty American.

[...]

This is the type of film that has some legitimately creepy and effective shots of horror, but they are surrounded by many legitimately boring and ineffective shots of bad acting.  The fact that some of it works just makes the rest seem more annoying, and the movie becomes a frustrating mess.

[...]

Starkwell: If you give someone a candy, but hand it to them in a bucket of shit, who’s really going to be able to come out excited about the candy?

Lovelock: What does that have to do with the movie?

Starkwell: Everything.  Everything, man.

[...]

[Now it keeps jumping from “part” to “part”.  Each time this happens, it makes Lovelock more confused and Starkwell more mad.  Dear director, you’re losing ‘em.]

Starkwell: The director lost me at “HASMAT suit guy shows bare wrist”.

Lovelock: He lost me at “CONFUSING MESS”.  “Zombie Diaries”?  More like “Zombie Diarrheas”.

Starkwell: I think it’s just diarrhea.

Lovelock: But what if there’s more than one diarrhea?

Starkwell: It’s like mud.  You throw mud on top of mud, you don’t get ‘muds’, you just get more mud.

Lovelock: This movie is muds.

[...]

[Basically you find out one of the dudes named ‘Goke’ is like an evil rapist murderer monster man.]

Lovelock: So in the end, the real enemy is ‘man’?  The real enemy is ‘Goke’?

Starkwell: The real enemy is the people that made this movie.

Lovelock: Maybe the real enemy is the person that asked us to watch this.

[...]

Shit, the troops are turning on me.  At least there is only fifteen minutes left which probably isn’t enough time for them to plan their coup.

[...]

[Back to one month earlier, the tail end of "part 1".]

Starkwell: [sarcastically] No, don’t trust the Goke guy, no don’t… [not sarcastically] WHO CARES?  FUCKING END ALREADY.

Lovelock: See they DID tie it all together.  It just happens to be tied together with a ribbon of diarrhea.

Starkwell: You’re really stuck on that word today…  Also, it’s not really all tied together.  This movie has more holes than-

Lovelock: A net full of diarrhea?

Starkwell: Dude, enough.

[...]

Well the movie ends, and it’s all depressing and shit.  Plus they spend way too much time focusing on the two dudes that love to torture and rape and what have you… Starkwell and Lovelock seem depressed too.  There’s a sequel that came out last year.  I think I’ll have to get them drunk if I ever want them to watch it.  Also, the cover of this fucking DVD is not even remotely close to what this movie ends up being.

Flight of the Living Dead.

Some movies are obviously made to try and cash in on growing trends and make a quick buck.  Think of all the vampire caca currently coming out of the woodwork.  Well somewhere midway through the last decade, the popularity of the zombie took off (and is currently cruising around a million feet, for better or for worse).  Well, this “Flight” film actually tried to cash in on two trends at the time.  The increase in zombie interest and the smash unexpected success of a movie about snakes on a plane, called, well, “Snakes on a Plane.”  “Outbreak on a Plane”?  For Pete’s sake… Thankfully this plane trend never really took off otherwise we’d have werewolves on a plane, maybe witches on a plane, and especially right now, vampires on a plane.  Although I’m not quite sure how they would protect themselves from the sun.  I should mention that this was another DVD I got at a bargain bin place in Quebec, so, it’s badly dubbed in French, with no English audio option.  

[...]

[Three flight attendants talk about partying and like, dudes.]

Starkwell: What airline would have three flight attendants that look that good?

Lovelock: Airlines in a film.

[...]

[Some sort of military guy in HASMAT gear watches a bin of some kind.]

Starkwell: What airline would have military experiments on board a regular passenger flight?

Lovelock: Airlines in this film.

[...]

The film seems to have a decent budget with semi-recognizable faces.  But Starkwell is having a lot of trouble getting past the incredibly predictable passenger list.  I believe at one point he said “of course there’s a convict handcuffed to a US Marshal.”  Lovelock shouted “that dude was in ‘No Escape’!”  Then they stopped watching for a while because they started talking about “Con Air” for some reason and imitating Cage’s HORRENDOUS southern accent from said film.

[...]

[Tiger Woods guy is in first class, wife complains about hearing about golf.]

Starkwell: If she doesn’t want to hear about golf, why would she marry a pro golfer.

Lovelock: Man, I can’t wait for her to be dead.

Starkwell: How did he get that golf club through security?

[...]

Then they went back to doing bad Nicolas Cage impersonations.  Oh also, there’s a Japanese businessman on board.  And a nun.  And horny teenagers.  And ROGUE PENTAGON SCIENTISTS.  But at least, as Lovelock said, “they don’t waste any time ‘cause I suspect the zombies is comin’!”  Then HASMAT guy sprays machine gun fire all over the cargo bay.  Starkwell rolls his eyes.  Lovelock then recognized an actor from a late eighties cop show called HARDBALL and spent several minutes trying to remember what the premise of the show was.  Consequently, they missed a whole bunch of movie.

[...]

[Still no zombies since that first one.]

Lovelock: I take back what I said… they are wasting a lot of time.

Starkwell: Yeah, I definitely feel like I’m wasting my time.

Lovelock: Hey, at least they are trying to make it about the characters…

Starkwell: Too bad the characters all suck.

[...]

The zombie action eventually picked up, and all the characters that we hate the most seem to die first.  So, at least the film does that right.

[...]

Lovelock: As long as they’re going to cast a pilot that looks exactly like the pilot from “Airplane!” couldn’t they have made him have funny dialogue?

Starkwell: Umm…

Lovelock: Do you like gladiator movies?

Starkwell: I can tell you that I don’t like this movie.

[...]

[Survivors make a bomb and explode the zombie nest.]

Starkwell: First of all, why would the zombies nest like that?  Second, how can you explode the inside of the plane and still be flying?  Third, who is flying the plane, since both pilots are dead?

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure the movie was written by drunken teenagers.  On napkins.

Starkwell: All I know is that I wish real planes were as durable as this one.  They just shot a missile at it, and it’s still kicking.  And yeah, of course the convict knows how to fly and land the plane, in the desert, on fire.

Lovelock: That’s like the first thing they teach you in prison.

[...]

This is cookie cutter zombie fare at its cookie cutterest.  Except, you know, on a plane.  The movie ended and Starkwell and Lovelock were all like [...] “what a pile of shit” [...]  "totally" [...].  I won’t lie, the bad dubbing enhances the viewing experience, but even this unintentional uniqueness can’t elevate this movie above the realm of predictability and stupidity wherein it lies.  Still… good for a laugh.  Salut.  A la prochaine.