Zombie Massacre.

It was only a matter of time before Starkwell and Lovelock would be subjected to another Uwe Boll film.  “House of the Dead” may indeed have left a horrible sour taste in their mouth, but I’m sure it may end up looking like Academy Award material in comparison to some of his more recent work.  I’ve seen “Blubberella”, and if this is anything like that film, Starkwell and Lovelock may only last a few minutes.

[...]

[Zombie outbreak is in full swing.  Zombies are rabid-style and have melty skin like Darkman.]

Starkwell: Well, the production looks to be a step up from “Blubberella”.

Lovelock: Not exactly a high bar, son.

Starkwell: It’s Uwe Boll.  The bar is basically underground.

Lovelock: The tagline is right.  There IS no hope.

[...]

As the credits roll, it becomes evident that Netflix lied to us, and that the film is merely produced by Boll, but actually written and directed by two other fellows.  There was much rejoicing in the room upon this realization, and I believe Starkwell said the bar just emerged from the ground.  Apparently the film also goes by “Apocalypse Z”, cementing that this is a mockbuster of sorts, trying to cash in on “World War Z” and the current zombie fad.  These are all tell-tale signs that the movie Starkwell and Lovelock are about to watch is really bad.

[...]

[American politicians put together a super team to fight zombies.]

Starkwell: America’s Secretary of Defense is British?

Lovelock: They certainly gave him a shitty office.

Starkwell: Shot on location in the director's basement.

[...]

There was a horribly long conversation about eating and sex involving some soldiers.  It was the worst.  Ten minutes later, and they’re still just talking.  Not much in the way of zombies or massacres for a movie called “Zombie Massacre”.

[...]

Lovelock: It should be called “English Language Massacre”.

[...]

[Uwe Boll plays the President.  Of the United States.  Of America.]

Lovelock: Did he just say “Or I push ze red button?”  What the…

Starkwell: They clearly have SOME American actors in the film, why did they need to cast people with thick accents as American Politicians?

Lovelock: Casting by Uwe Boll?

Starkwell: "I give you ze money, but you make me play ze President.  OF ZE WORLD."

[...]

Anyways, the zombie kill squad goes around killing zombies and trying to save the world, I think.  Everything is very by-the-numbers, but it’s not even done with any style or panache.  There is also quite a bit of needless “slow-mo”.

[...]

Starkwell: If they just put the slow-mo in regular speed, we’d probably get ten minutes of our life back.

Lovelock: If we push the button for fast forward, we might be in luck as well.

Starkwell: That or 'stop'.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would the sword wielding red-head be dressed like that?

Starkwell: Why would there be a redhead with sword skills?

Lovelock: In a world with Uwe Boll as POTUS, anything is possible, I guess.

Starkwell: And why is her hair like that?  Oh man, I hate this movie.

[...]

It’s the type of film where before killing a zombie, someone will say “hey baby, where have you been all my life”… which really makes absolutely no sense.  Think about it.  Think about how much that line makes no sense and sucks.

[...]

[Redhead does a kill!]

Lovelock: Slowest swordplay ever.

Starkwell: At least they left it in regular speed.

[...]

Then the group finds the daughter of the doctor who developed the weapon that created the zombies in the first place and its all like “yeah, let’s do this” or something.  Fuck I hate this movie.

[...]

Lovelock: As bad as this is, it’s still much better than an ACTUAL Uwe Boll film.

Starkwell: His involvement must have been fairly minimal, especially since there haven’t been boobies at every turn.

[...]

[The American military hold the main good guy’s daughter hostage.]

Lovelock: So, the American military are evil?

Starkwell: Who knows… this guy is British anyways.

Lovelock: Yeah… I’m lost.

Starkwell: Might have to do with the fact that you fast-forwarded through the last half hour.

Lovelock: I think I’d be lost either way.

[...]

[Super Mutant Zombie (aka guy in a rubber suit) attacks!!!]

Lovelock: I guess rubber suit is better than bad CGI.  So this movie gets a point for that.

Starkwell: So, that puts it at… one point.

[...]

Then there was a scene with slower than the swordplay martial art fighting and Lovelock and Starkwell started laughing really hard.

[...]

Starkwell: Did that guy say “let’s do this Alabama style”?  What does that even mean?

Lovelock: I’m not sure, but I’m certain that the film makers are even less sure.

[...]

The film ends with a scene featuring two topless girls swimming in a pool and suddenly becoming zombies and attacking people.  They have big ol’ honking implants, and we all feel that this must have been Uwe Boll’s input.

[...]

Lovelock: “Zis is not bad, but perzhaps zyou can putz some boobies into ze last scene?”

Starkwell: Nailed it.

House of the Dead.

You may be a fan of the original SEGA gun games.  You may be an avid zombie film fan.  You might then think, how could this possibly be bad?  It won’t take long for Uwe Boll to show Starkwell and Lovelock how it could be bad, and also just how bad it can be.  Get ready for a horrible ride.

[...]

[Opening credits features mangled up footage from the original game.]

Lovelock: It’s almost as if Boll is asking us, “wouldn’t you rather be playing the game?”

Starkwell: I have a feeling that soon I will realize that there are a lot of things I’d rather be doing right now.

[...]

Then they showed the lamest “rave” ever, and some of the lamest “college aged kids” that I have ever seen.  It turns out the “rave” is on the ISLAND OF THE DEAD.  There have already been a few familiar faces that should be ashamed to have been involved with this movie.

[...]

[POINTLESS UNDERWATER NAKED BOOBY SHOTS.]

Starkwell: So this is going to be one of those movies.

[...]

[Girl finds weird GLOWING RED EYED zombies, they eat her, I guess.]

Starkwell: Those looked more like CHUDs than zombies…

Lovelock: What’s with the random shots of the actual video game?

Starkwell: I assume because otherwise you’d never know what this movie is supposedly based on.

[...]

Lovelock: Lesson number one, when showing up to a “rave” on a mysterious island, if the place looks like it was ransacked by Vikings, TURN THE FUCK AROUND.

Starkwell: I think part two of that lesson should be not to have sex in a random abandoned tent.

Lovelock: Did he just say ‘humpity bumpity’?

[...]

After some lame newly introduced character compared the "rave" outbreak to Romero movies with an incredibly awkward and out-of-place reference, Starkwell realized that the movie was written by Mark Altman.  Mark Altman is responsible for a lot of bad zombie movies.  Each of them contains scenes of characters talking about other real zombie and horror films, and it NEVER SOUNDS NATURAL.  The dialogue here is no exception.  “What does he think?  Does he think that referencing good movies somehow elevates his own?” exclaimed Starkwell.

[...]

Lovelock: Zombies can do front crawl?

Starkwell: They just showed the same zombie die like three or four times in a row.. in slow motion.

Lovelock: Zombies spit acid? Captain Kirk is the ONLY good thing in this movie.

Starkwell: That actor should still be embarrassed.

[...]

Starkwell officially voted that the worst line of dialogue was “These are zombies pure and simple.”  But then a minute later Captain Kirk said “Spanish people from Spain” and Lovelock said, “There’s a new sheriff in town.”

[...]

Starkwell: It’s not often that you see a director’s choices making a bad script worse.

[...]

[Zombies apparently have super jumping abilities.]

Starkwell: What the fuck?  You can see the springboard on the ground!  Boll didn’t even bother hiding it.

Lovelock: Is that an example of “complete disregard for the viewing audience” that you are always talking about?

[...]

[Group discusses guns that they will use.]

Starkwell: Clearly Altman learned about guns from playing video games.

Lovelock: And yet, oddly enough, it feels like he clearly never played “House of the Dead”.

[...]

Lovelock: The soundtrack makes an already shit movie, even shittier.

[...]

[Head explosion.]

Lovelock: What a waste of a good head explosion shot.

[...]

Then Lovelock start looking around him and realized Starkwell had left.  I’m surprised he held on that long.  He left just in time too, because he missed the HIGH SPEED MONTAGE that made Lovelock want to throw stuff at the TV.

[...]

Lovelock: Nothing says “time for a make-out session” like “we’re trapped in a spooky house surrounded by zombies”.  FUCK THIS SHIT.

[...]

Lovelock: New clumsiest line “Hey look at this book, it looks old, let’s read it, maybe it will help us.”

[...]

Starkwell: So, they don’t explain how any of them could possibly know how to use guns, and do martial arts, but, in order to explain why, at the end of the movie, the main girl would be able to battle an ancient Spanish warrior in a sword fight, was by slipping in a mention that she practices fencing.

[She is stabbed between her globes.]

Lovelock: And still, she died.  Wait… she’s up?

Starkwell: She got a sword THROUGH THE HEART.

Lovelock: Also, why are you back?

Starkwell: Forgot my phone.  See ya.

[...]

The zombies looked decent enough, but that was the only thing in the film that came close to meeting par.  Piece of shit.  I should also mention that the ending doesn’t make any sense.  But, what did we expect?