FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. III

I figured the best way to bring the guys back into the fold here was with a good old-fashioned Netflix Film Fest EXTRAVAGANZA.  Plus with Netflix I don’t feel bad if they don’t watch the whole thing because I’m not out the price of a shitty physical disc.  Also, in general it’s just easier to document if they bail early in the film.  So.  Buckle your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a long night.

[Zoombies (2005)]

Not going to lie, when they saw the production company was The Asylum, they almost made me stop this piece of garbage before it started.

[...]

Lovelock: Take Jurassic Park, add a helping of We Bought a Zoo, and just a pinch of Noah’s Ark.  Now subtract Matt Damon and remove everything good about the stories I mentioned and… BOOM – you got yourself Zoombies, kind of.

Starkwell: We’ve watched one minute of the movie.

Lovelock: Yeah but I mean, for fuck’s sake look at the font they’re using for the credits.

Starkwell: Right?

[...]

Hard to argue with that?  Soon after that a bad CGI monkey died and reanimated and included MONKEY POV.  Lovelock and STarkwell both started laughing and eventually got real quiet and said “yeah no, please stop the movie” and “NEXT” and “HARD PASS”.  We almost made it past the cold open.

[Condemned (2015)]

I think that we’re all okay with the concept behind this one, but it starts with this “CREEPY” old narrator.  Also known as bad start.  Starkwell says something about the fourth wall or like “can’t a movie just fucking be a movie.”  Then they got into a weird conversation about whether or not it should be “fucking be a movie” or “be a fucking movie”.  Meanwhile the movie continued.

[Entitled Princess goes with her “Bad Part of Town Punk Friends” to their apartment where they are squatting in a condemned building.]

Lovelock: first, she has it coming.  Second, I’m already totally fine if she dies, third, let’s move along to that part.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[We then meet the KERRAZY tenants at the condemned building.  It’s boring.]

Lovelock: This is boring.

Starkwell: Who would even save these boring people?  NOT WORTH IT.

Lovelock: Torch the building, and the people and this movie NOW.

[...]

So yeah, takes forever to get going and in the end it’s more like the Crazies of the Crazies was a super boring and shitty movie.

[Zombeavers (2014)]

At a runtime of 75-ish minutes, they should be able to get through this one… maybe?

[...]

Lovelock: Is that Bill Burr and John Mayer?

[...]

After a legitimately funny opening with these two known people, it could only go down from there, obviously.  And it does.  BOY DOES IT EVER.  The actual movie, follows three girls on a vacation at some lakehouse, because EVERYONE HAS A LAKEHOUSE!  It’s mostly bad beaver puns and innuendos and excuses to get the actresses to take their tops of.

[Beaver attack in the lake.]

Lovelock:  Bad effects, but still, charming beaver puppets.  Glad they didn’t go CGI.

Starkwell: I guess.

[...]

The short runtime saves it from being a full on zero, along with the fantastic beaver muppets, but honestly, I could have done without the human turns beaver stuff.  Somehow worked with that sheep movie but not with this one so much.  And why make a guy get his dick eaten?

[Splatter (2009)]

I think it’s safe to say that we are all here for Corey Feldman.

[...]

Starkwell: This thing is 30 minutes too long.

Lovelock:  It’s only 30 minutes long?

Starkwell: BINGO.

Lovelock: IT’S SO SIMPLE.

Starkwell: Nailed it.

[...]

That’s a Corey Feldman album reference, if anyone cares.  What a dull hunk of shit.  I think that was enough punishment for now.  Until next time.

The Horrible Dr. Bones.

“The Horrible Dr. Bones” is another Full Moon pictures production.  The director was one of the directors involved in “The Dungeonmaster” which pretty much means that we can expect nothing short of pure cheese.  Cheese can satisfy sometimes, but it also can lead to experiences like “Shrunken Heads” or anything Charles Band is involved with.  We won’t know how this one will play out until we attack it head on.  So, let’s do this.  It has a wonderfully short seventy minute run time, so, at least that will help.

[...]

[THE DVD I ORDERED DOESN’T WORK.]

Starkwell: Probably for the best.

Lovelock: Thank you, Universe.

[...]

Zero thumbs up.  Too bad the ‘I don’t remember where I bought this’ store has a no return policy.

Nazis at the Center of the Earth.

Well, it’s a movie from “The Asylum”, so you already know that there is a fifty percent chance that Starkwell will leave before the film even gets going, and at least a twenty-five percent chance that neither of them will finish the film.   This turd takes on the Nazi zombie theme, and hopefully isn’t too long of a film.  It starts off with a horrible action scene wherein Dr. Mengele escapes on a plane sometime at the end of the war I guess.

[...]

[Researchers digging (?) in Antarctica find some kind of Nazi bunker (?)]

Starkwell: Wait, that’s supposed to be Antarctica?

Lovelock: That Nazi just walked up from behind them, what was he just hiding behind a bush all that time?

[Then something blows up, the explosion is blue and we’re all confused.  Apparentky the Nazis took two of the researchers and dragged them away.]

[...]

The acting is really really bad, even by “Asylum” standards.  I think Lovelock was the one who wondered how they found so many bad actors willing to be in a film.  Including Jake Busey.  The whole group of “researchers” (bad actors) go to find the missing researchers.

[...]

Starkwell: Good thing that the snow and heavy winds of Antarctica have PERFECTLY preserved those footsteps that they are now following.

[...]

After expressing his desire to save the next hour of his life from the agony of watching this, Starkwell leaves.  Lovelock stays, actually a little intrigued.

[...]

Lovelock: That dude’s head blood looks like fruit punch.

[Mengele rips off a dudes face.]

Lovelock: Seems like a face wouldn’t just come off that cleanly…

[...]

It just gets worse and worse as the researchers venture into a “cave”, where Captain Jake Busey claims that they must be “fifty feet below the surface”.  Wow.  So deep.  I’m surprised they haven’t passed the equator yet.

[...]

[I guess Mengele took all of the researcher guy’s skin and put it on a Nazi?]

Lovelock: Can one just slip in and out of skin like a leotard?

[...]

Holy shit the girl slid down an icy hole to the CENTER OF THE EARTH like a scene out of “The Goonies”.  Then two of the researchers discover a whole word down there… that appears to have its own sun?  Also, what’s their plan for getting out of here?  They seem to be sliding down tubes and abandoning all of their gear… so…  Anyways, the whole group walks right into the Nazi building they found in this secret world and are immediately surrounded by a bunch of undead Nazis.

[...]

Lovelock: Hopefully they all just die immediately and the movie ends NOW.

[Dream big.]

[...]

[Captain Jake Busey is a secret Nazi and planned on bringing all of them to Mengele.]

Lovelock: Oh shit! Obvious twist!

[...]

Admittedly, this is bad, but it’s almost captivatingly bad.  The old actor dude playing Mengele is pretty sweet too.  So Mengele wants all of them to help him with his immortality / undead soldier research, and so far they’re playing along, I guess waiting for their moment to strike.  There’s no real explanation as to why Mengele looks EXACTLY as he did seventy years ago, but the soldiers are all rotting zombies.

[...]

[One of the women gets gang raped by a bunch of nazi zombies.]

Lovelock: Are they eating her or… ?

[...]

The movie makes little to no sense.  Also it sucks.  Lovelock just left.  He was just in time to miss Captain Jake Busey rip out his own baby fetus from his girlfriend and use the stem cells to revive Robot Zombie Hitler.  Oh also the Nazis have a flying saucer apparently.  It’s even worse than it sounds.  In the end, the UFO explodes over the Antarctic and the two surviving Americans jump out and find their jackets somehow.  I guess the UFO didn’t actually move at all?  And their jackets managed to find their way to where they ended up? Fuck dis shit.

Total Retribution.

A fairly low budget, straight-to-video film attempting a sci-fi story involving space undead, is not likely to deliver on everything that it promises.  The fact that I couldn’t find positive reviews doesn’t help the promise all that much.  Not to mention that director Andrew Bellware seems to have spent the bulk of his career, thus far, directing horrible mockbusters.  “Total Retribution” instead of “Recall”?  Not to mention his follow-up “Prometheus Trap”.  Holy cow.  How many people fall for that shit?  And so, without any further ado, Starkwell and Lovelock are stuck watching this mutha’.

[...]

[Woman floats through the sky?  Wakes up in a desert.]

Starkwell: Might be the worst green screens I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: Waking up naked and confused?  Only Milla Jovovich can pull that shit off.

Starkwell: Pretty bad ‘Jawa’ rip-off too.

[Shots of… space station?]

Starkwell: The bad effects have just been taken up a notch.

Lovelock: And what’s with the young British girl voice for the computer?  That’s another "Resident Evil" Rip-Off!

Starkwell: Yeah, if you’re ripping shit off from THOSE movies, you’re already in a heap of trouble.

[Naked girl runs into a survivor asking her to “KILL ME! PLEASE!”]

Lovelock: Aw! And now we’re stealing from “Alien”?

Starkwell: Super lame.

[...]

So now we cut to some lame “squad” consisting of two people going around making sure everyone’s head is blown.  The acting is bad, the dialogue worse, the story atrocious, and the special effects are well… as bad as the fight choreography.  At this point, Starkwell and Lovelock just want the creepy redhead to put some fucking clothes on.

[...]

[Naked Redhead is… a robot?]

Lovelock: So what?  “Blade Runner” now?

[...]

Then a character in the movie was talking about the pain he is feeling as the virus takes over his body and says “I just wish it would end soon!”  At the exact same time, without skipping a beat, both Lovelock and Starkwell said “I know what you mean.”  Not a good sign at only fifteen minutes into a ninety-ish minute turd.

[...]

Starkwell: I can’t.

Lovelock: Me neither.

[...]

Sometime after the redhead finally put some clothes on, which, from what I can tell, consisted of bicycle shorts, a tube top, and some knee pads, Starkwell and Lovelock both left, unable to deal with this piece of mega-shit.  Eventually half-naked redhead gets herself a duster and they bring it full circle with the “Matrix”.  Also there is time travel I think.  Oh man, this was a bad one.

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. II (With a Touch of Redbox).

Part Redbox, part Netflix, all unbearable.  I present to you: More recent zombie SHIT.  I feel bad launching an onslaught like this onto Lovelock and Starkwell, but to make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs.  In this case the omelet is documenting their conversations and the eggs are their spirits, brains and patience.  The quality ranges from “could only get through five minutes” to “almost able to watch most of it”. 

[...]

[ The Dead Reborn (2013). ]

Starkwell: Wait… is this just three other movies chopped up into one “anthology”film.

Lovelock: Why is the video quality so bad… it looks as though they filmed a TV showing the film.

[Seriously, the first segment is from The Dead Hate The Living, which they already watched (well they started it and stopped in the middle of it).]

Starkwell: So it’s a new movie, but it is just a mash-up of three other movies that are over ten years old.

Lovelock: PASS.

[Has anyone in the world actually ever watched this thing all the way through?  It’s an hour and forty-five minutes…]

[...]

[ Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection (2012). ]

Lovelock: I thought Herbert West was in this…

Starkwell: No you’re thinking of “Night of the Living Dead: Reanimation”.  This is “Resurrection”.

Lovelock: ToMAYto – toMAHto.

Starkwell: More like tomato and NOT a tomato, because it’s not the same movie.

[They did have to admit that, at the very least, a little more love and care seems to have been put into this one.]

Starkwell: It’s actually quite nicely filmed.

Lovelock: It’s like a really good high school project.

[Obviously it’s not exactly faithful to the original, but at least they try to shove some social commentary in.]

Starkwell: If they took this quality and applied it to an actual original idea, they might have something… but attempting to remake a classic… BOLLOCKS.

Lovelock: Agreed.

[Honestly, if this was anything other than a remake, this would have made it out of unwatchable territory, easily.  It would have just been regularly terrible.  Slow moving, and a touch boring.]

[...]

[ Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation (2012). ]

Starkwell: This is officially the third ‘night of the living dead’ that we have now watched, that is NOT the original, and will now likely abandon LONG before the runtime expires.

Lovelock: I can’t wait to see how long into this one we decide to leave.

Starkwell: I’m guessing not long…

Lovelock: Can we at least wait and see Herbert West?

[Mortician guy kills a zombie and some guy in the cemetery.]

Starkwell: Well, the effects here are definitely on par with the rest of this lot.

[One of the characters was watching “White Zombie” on a laptop.  Starkwell threw up everywhere.  Lovelock has fallen asleep and informed us to wake him when Jeffrey Combs arrives.  We ended up waking him up as the Mortician cracked open a zombie head with a shovel.  Then Combs’ character is introduced.]

Lovelock: Hooray!  And he has a sweet mustache!

[Jeffrey Combs with a mustache is in fact probably the highlight of the film.  Then there’s a really lame Sara Palin joke.  Don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate her guts, but it’s a four year old stale joke, and to spend this much time making fun of her is a huge waste of time (she is 100% irrelevant now).  Starkwell puked again.]

Starkwell: I’ll be back later.

[Lovelock went back to sleep, he eventually woke back up to watch the mortuary employees share a joint with a zombie and then the Goth Girl dry humps a corpse to a really bad blues rock soundtrack.]

Lovelock: I should have stayed asleep.

[THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING AWFUL.  They even work in a way to get the Sarah Palin character to the mortuary so she can get killed by a fat woman zombie.  Yeah.  Really.]

Lovelock: If Troma tried even less, this is probably how it would turn out.

[...]

[ Scary or Die (2012). ]

Starkwell: Another fucking anthology film?

Lovelock: If you think I’m sticking around to see the zombie segment, you are mistaken.

[Fine.  I’ll just fast forward to the zombie segment.  Turns out there are two.  One involves a zombie clown that makes other people turn zombie clown, and another about a dead boyfriend coming back.]

Lovelock: Damn straight.  What the hell was going on in that one with the Asian guy?  It looked awful.

Starkwell: What is it with this new wave of anthology films?  They’re not good.

Lovelock: Seriously.  And don’t say “V-H-S”?  More like “SHIT-H-S”.

[Clown from kid’s birthday party bites main character drug dealer guy’s leg.]

Lovelock: Well, that’s something at least.  But why is the clown still acting all clowny and shit?

Starkwell: Why is this segment only like twenty minutes but feels a year long?

[Main Character slowly (emphasis on slow) turns into a flesh eating clown.]

Starkwell: Well that’s different.

Lovelock: They’re trying to make it all dramatic but the guy turned into A CLOWN.  What the fuck?

[The clown makeup actually looks pretty freaky.  They don’t bother watching the last segment.  It seemed to be about a bitch coming back from the dead to catch her man banging some girl in his back seat.]

[...]

[ Potpourri (2011). ]

Starkwell: The movie is about people tripping balls on bad drugs.  Let me guess, some stoners were stoned and were all “if you like translate potpourri it like means ‘rotten pot’ man, so like maybe that’s all potpourri is, like bad weed”.  And the story grew from there.  They may have even smoked some actual potpourri and then wrote the movie.

[...]

The film opens with a pretend vlogger reviewing the movie (so part of the actual film is a guy watching the actual film... I'm guessing they didn't have enough footage for a full length film, so they filled in the holes with this garbage).  Kinda lame.  Anyways, then we have some law enforcement types at the scene of a drug deal gone awry.

[...]

[Cut to a college class.]

Lovelock: Those are supposed to be college kids?

Starkwell: And they’re asking their teacher about “Back to the Future”?  College kids today weren’t even born when those movies were released.

[Seriously, it’s either dumb, or lazy, or both.]

[...]

After a few close-ups of pages of what may or may not be an actual university level physics textbook, Lovelock fell asleep.  Periodically it cuts back to the vlogger… who explains everything, in case the audience couldn’t follow.  That was enough for Starkwell to take off.  I waited a while to wake Lovelock up.  There was a stupid scene of people doing fake drugs, and tripping hard.  There was even a part when the vloggers fast forwarded the movie to ‘get to the good parts’.  Ironic, since Lovelock is now doing the same thing.  There are puppets, medieval forests, musical numbers, cartoons, and all sorts of weird shit.

[...]

Lovelock: So… it’s just a movie about “college” kids getting high and hallucinating?

[...]

To their credit, the filmmakers don’t resort to gratuitous tits and ass.  But if this eclectic and schizo film making style (potpourri-like, if you will) was applied to an actual story, it might have actually been something to remember.  There are zombies, and ample amounts of cheap looking gore, but overall it looks and feels like something Troma would shit out, probably after eating potpourri.  Alright, I think that’s enough torture for one sitting.

Pop Punk Zombies.

Starkwell and Lovelock hate this kind of shit.

[...]

[Film starts. Some dudes hang out in a graveyard waiting for zombies.  One guy has his eye ripped out, and then the other guy hands the zombie a guitar and says “I love zombies”.  And the worst ‘punk’ song ever starts playing.]

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: So, this is one of those movies where all of the actors are just so psyched to be in their friend’s shitty movie that they smile in every scene all of the time?

Lovelock: …

[...]

They lasted about ten more minutes, if that, and walk out.  I should mention, the main character has a hilarious bowl cut.  The end.  Sometimes, even after they leave, I fast forward through the rest of the film, just to see what happens.  This time, I didn’t.

Zombies vs. Strippers.

Not to be confused with any other zombie films in the last few years that have the words “zombie” and “stripper” in the title, this one sets itself apart by being “Zombies vs. Strippers” as opposed to “Strippers vs. Zombies”.  Look, I know that sounds thin, but I was just trying to find ONE nice thing to say about this total turd before I fling it directly at Starkwell and Lovelock’s respective eyeballs.  “Full Moon” is really giving “The Asylum” a run for their money for the title of 'Kings of “we make shitty movies all of the time, deal with it”'.   That title sounded more positive than it should have.  It’s not a good thing.

[...]

[Disturbingly long credits, with shitty music and distorted shots of boob/ass/zombies.]

Starkwell: When your movie is only 75 minutes long, and your opening credits last almost four minutes… it ain’t a good sign.

[...]

[Dude named Spider runs a shitty failing strip bar.]

Starkwell: Of course his name is Spider.

Lovelock: There is no way that a shitty strip club in the middle of nowhere that is FAILING would have a girl that would even look somewhat CLOSE to that good.  And she doesn’t even look that good.

Starkwell: Not to mention, there aren’t any customers… so why would he need a bouncer, a bartender and four strippers on hand?

[...]

The film is trying real hard to develop characters.  Here’s the problem: They all suck and the acting sucks and it’s so stupid.  Anyways, then a girl named Bambi strips in front of two guys that have obviously become zombies.

[...]

[One zombie eats the other zombie’s hand.]

Starkwell: Well now that just doesn’t make any sense.

[...]

There’s a black girl named Vanilla and she is literally a textbook of bad stereotypes.  Then there’s a super long scene where Spider tells everyone he’s closing the bar and the characters go on and on about their shit.  And then they throw a party or something.  It’s honestly like a ten or fifteen minute long scene, and it ends with a customer coming in and offering them a bunch of money to keep the bar open for him.  He kind of looks like a cross between Carrot Top and Adam Ant.  It all sucks.

[...]

Starkwell: Ok, I’m out.

[...]

Lovelock: So, they’ve definitely established the Strippers portion of “Zombies vs. Strippers”… What with the fact that we’ve seen a million boobs and only two zombies.

[Zombies finally show up at the club, saying “brains” repeatedly.]

Lovelock: Yeah… ok… I’m out too.

[...]

It didn’t get any better.  Because, you see, once they took care of those zombies, that was it for another twenty minutes at least.  I’m glad they left before they could see just how bad it kept getting.  I think Vanilla said “This is your brain on drugs” at one point.  Also, there was a Michael Jackson “Thriller” zombie that did Jacko dance moves and grabbed his crotch.  Also, it’s one of the slowest moving films ever.  Seventy five minutes feels more like infinity hours.  It’s like they thought by casting porn stars, and then sprinkling a booby and an ass here and there we’d forget that nothing happens and that none of it makes any sense and that it all sucks and that it's the worst.  Guess who ain’t buying?

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - 8 Movie Pack Extreme!

So I bought a collection of 8 EXTREME ZOMBIE MOVIES.  It’s a release from something called “Cutting Edge Cinema”?  I can tell you, nothing here is cutting edge.  I paid about 6 bucks for the set, which is about 75 cents a movie.  I can’t help but still feel like I’ve been swindled.  Although, I did get my money’s worth out of forcing them upon Lovelock and Starkwell, I guess.

[...]

[ Porn Star Zombies (2009) ]

I guess it was a bit naïve to think that they would have watched this one longer than five minutes.

[...] 

Starkwell: Why is it black and white?

Lovelock: Was this thing shot on an iPhone?

Starkwell: If you knew the guys making this, would it be fun to watch?

Lovelock: Probably not, but since we don’t ESPECIALLY not.

Starkwell: I’d like to stop watching ASAP.

Lovelock: Deal.

[...]

There are a lot of booby and ass and boner jokes.  If you’re into that kind of a thing THIS SHOULD STILL BE AVOIDED.

[...]

[ Santa Claus vs. the Zombies (2010) ]

This movie is apparently about a family being hauled up in a house during the holidays and somehow Santa Claus and some Elves are there.  It’s over an hour and forty minutes.  Starkwell and Lovelock made it through one, and then fast forwarded for a while before calling it.

[...]

Starkwell: I can’t help but feel like this was just some actual family’s way to spend a few days.

Lovelock: It should be noted that no one in the family can act, or write or anything ever.

[...]

This movie ALMOST gets bad enough to become funny.  But it’s far too long and boring and awful for that to ever be a possibility.  The zombies look like they’d be third or fourth runner up at a lame Halloween costume contest at a local dive bar full of townies.

[...]

[ Biker Zombies from Detroit (2001) ]

The quality of the picture is WORSE than any DVD I’ve ever seen ever.  I’m sure the movie would have been insufferable enough without that.  But here we are.

[...]

Lovelock: Bad “metal” music? Check. Long dragged out shots of a guy riding his dirt bike? Check. Guy lifting weights in his socks? Check.  Actors screwing up their lines? Check.

Starkwell: Dude, I already can’t anymore.

[...]

Sometime in the middle of a long conversation between two of the characters about how fifteen year old girls are hot and the director showing an actual close-up on three asses of girls that looked no older than fourteen, Starkwell and Lovelock stopped.  I’m sure there would eventually actually be some zombies, but they weren’t going to hang around and find out.  And then at the end there are about eight minutes of credits… it really makes you wonder how it took that many people to make this piece of shit.  This is another one that could have been "funny bad" if it weren't so slow moving awful and the worst.

[...]

[ Bled White (2009) ]

The review I had read said “Pulp Fiction” meets “Zombieland”.  RIiiiiiiiiight…

[...]

Lovelock: I will say this… It looks like the camcorder they used for this one had like, eight or nine features.

Starkwell: I love that they film trees without leaves to establish that it’s a WASTELAND…

Lovelock: More like "someone's high school English project" meets "honestly, I'm not sure"...

[...]

Taking on this huge of a premise on no budget is probably foolish.  After the main characters decided to eat another human, Starkwell was actually intrigued… but still, he and Lovelock left.  The box says this movie won “awards”.  I guess the awards it gets from Starkwell and Lovelock are “closest to actually being watched”, and “if it had any budget, it would still be bad, but much more watchable than the others on this shitty DVD set”.

[...]

[ Office of the Dead (2009) ]

Unlike the first four films, this one is actually filmed in WIDESCREEN, and looks like it may have even been filmed with cameras that cost more than "somewhere between fifty bucks and cellphone".  I think Lovelock and Starkwell were also a bit kinder to this one since it revolves around Software Engineers…

[...]

Starkwell: A movie made for nerds, by nerds?

Lovelock: Dude, I’m a nerd, and I’m not sold yet.

Starkwell: It’s clear that they filmed this in an actual office…

Lovelock: Seriously, I hope their boss doesn’t see this.

Starkwell: I wouldn’t be worried about that.

Lovelock: Maybe the boss at the place is the one in charge of the filming… “Threat Level Midnight” style.

Starkwell: They clearly don’t think much of marketing people.

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure they didn’t clear it with Google that they showed a guy checking out porn in Chrome.

Starkwell: Unless they work at Google.

Lovelock: How about we quit while we’re ahead.  What do you think?

Starkwell: Done.

[...]

The rest of the movie was whatever.  This is an even better example of “if those were dudes at my work, and it was filmed at my office, this would be watchable.  Still bad, but fun to watch anyways.”  And it was much more competently made than the others in this set.  Probably because they’re all software engineers.  But… neither Lovelock nor Starkwell works with or knows these people.  Sooooo…

[...]

[ Bunker of Blood (2012) ]

This is actually made by the same people as “Santa Claus vs. the Zombies”, and directed by the same guy.  Unfortunately for this movie, as soon as Lovelock and Starkwell saw that name go up on the screen.  They actually pressed stop, so they really didn’t have much to say.

[...]

Starkwell: If you like “Santa Claus vs. the Zombies” then you’ll probably love “Bunker of Blood”.

Lovelock: If you like “Santa Claus vs. the Zombies” then it’s probably time to give up.  On life.

Starkwell: You think at the end of most of these scenes the actors were like “nailed it!”?

Lovelock: Man, I hope so.

[...]

It would have been nice if they had even just made it through ten minutes of this one.  Some of the opening scenes were COMICALLY bad.  Especially the slow motion shots.  At least it’s not a sequel to “Claus”.  There are most of the same actors, though.

[...]

[ Night of the Dead (2009) ]

Not to be confused with an ‘Asylum’ movie of the same name released a few years earlier (also, according to the opening credits, this one is actually called “Night of the Dead – Friday the 13th”), this one has Ron Jeremy in it.  It starts suddenly without setting up anything.  Basically people are making out in a tropical forest, and the dude runs into his ex girlfriend and then people in HASMAT suits start following them with axes.  Lovelock and Starkwell actually got through more of this one, but only because they left it playing in the background while they made and ate sandwiches.

[...]

Starkwell: Bah! Mats soma dum worsh speshfex vevver sea.

[Starkwell’s mouth was full of sandwich.  I believe he was commenting on the fact that most houses’ Halloween decorations are more convincing than the special effects in this film, thus far.]

[...]

Once Starkwell and Lovelock finished eating they left the room.  I assumed that meant they wanted me to stop it.  I think Ron Jeremy’s job was to look disgusting as always and provide the film makers with girls that would show their boobies and have no problem putting their face in kitty litter.

[...]

[ The Chosen One (2009) ]

After a much needed and deserved break, they came back to try to finish the set with another film in black and white for absolutely no reason.

[...]

Lovelock: Even though this one seems to have better acting than the others, HOLY FUCKBALLS THIS IS BORING.

Starkwell: You're just saying that because it's an old guy, and you always think old guys and British people are good actors.

Lovelock: Dude, totally.  And old British people? Forget about it!

Starkwell: Worst special effects.  And somehow… most nonsensical.

Lovelock: Seriously, what the shit is even happening?

Starkwell: We’re pressing stop.  That's what is happening.

Lovelock: Victory!

[...]

Slow moving doesn’t even begin to describe this one.  I’ve seen carpet commercials with more story.  Before I let them leave, I told them I had a BONUS MOVIE for them.

[...]

[ Dating a Zombie (2012) ]

This one wasn’t actually in the set.  It’s more of a bonus movie in that I feel it fits in well here.  I know one of the actors in the movie so I’ve edited Starkwell and Lovelock’s brief conversation to an even briefer one.  I might be paraphrasing.  I should mention that they sat through much more of this one than the eight from the set, and it is generally a better movie.  But…Still... 

[...]

Starkwell: That one actor in particular steals the show.

Lovelock: Agreed.  Best actor of the day.

[Guess who he's talking about.]

[...]

So it is true that knowing someone in the movie somehow makes the movie more fun to watch!  Well, at least for the scenes with that person.  While this does give some perspective and assistance in answering the question “who would actually watch and enjoy these movies?”, it doesn’t change the fact that one answer is a resounding NOT LOVELOCK AND NOT STARKWELL.

Otto; or Up with Dead People.

I probably shouldn’t even attempt to show Starkwell and Lovelock a zombie film directed by the artsy Canadian gay-porn director Bruce LaBruce.  But hopefully by not telling them that’s what it is, they’ll venture far enough into it to be truly shocked and give it a chance. “Otto” is actually a half German half Canadian film.  The intro starts and involves epic music, shots of zombie Otto, stock footage of explosions, weird hand drawn sketches and people shooting a film.

[...]

[Otto rises from grave, narrator explains the evolution of zombies.  Talks about how zombies came about because of war and the hostility of humans, in general.]

Starkwell: I like the style so far, this is an interesting intro and take on the whole thing…

Lovelock: Otto actually looks pretty cool.

[Otto eats a cat in the graveyards.]

Lovelock: Fucking rad.

[...]

Otto has a super thick German accent.  He talks about his hardships as a zombie.  I should note, that when we see anything from ‘Otto perspective’ it looks all pink and shiny.  The soundtrack is full of noise and distortion, and while Otto eats some roadkill, some music plays that sounds like Yoko Ono on acid underwater with harps for hands.  Lovelock and Starkwell are starting to freak out a little.

[...]

[Suddenly, there’s another title flashed on the screen “Up With Dead People” and it’s in black and white.]

Starkwell: Is this a movie within a movie, or what are we seeing?

Lovelock: This movie is trying so hard to be weird that my brain hurts a little.  Also, fuck you, movie.

[...]

It cuts back and forth between Otto hitchhiking and the Black and White “Up With Dead People” where a strung out dude starts… making out with a zombie dude?  Now we see the director of “Up With Dead People”, and she talks about how Otto auditioned to be in her movie… this bizarre shit went on and on.  It's like a weird interpretive dance number that goes on forever and involves penis.  Starkwell and Lovelock got increasingly confused… and it became clear that the movie within the movie “Up Wth Dead People” was a gay porno film.

[...]

Lovelock: So far gay zombies seem pretty nice.

[...]

Otto sat in a junkyard and very slowly zombies approached him, then they had an orgy of sex and flesh eating.  It cut back and forth between Otto’s orgy in the junkyard, and the black and white zombies making out.  Sometime around the moment when one zombie started having sex with another one’s wound (and I should add, that this is all very explicit, and full close-ups of actual penile penetration with wound are shown and heard), Starkwell and Lovelock both got up and walked out of the room without looking at me.  Mission accomplished.

[...]

Lovelock: Why, dude?

[...]

Honestly, this is the closest I’ve seen to ACTUALLY reproducing how shocking old Grindhouse Cult Shock-Trash were back in the seventies.  But that doesn’t mean they have to like it.  Or watch it.  Bizarre.

Stripperland.

Basically, this is just another fucking zombie movie involving strippers.  There shouldn’t be as many as there are, and yet, alas, here is one more.  Starkwell and Lovelock head into this one ready to hate.  The film starts with a nerdy Jesse Eisenbergesque character going over rules for surviving in “Stripperland”… “Zombieland”… “Stripperland”…Oh I get it now.

[...]

Starkwell: So… How much of this is going to be a cheap and sleazy knockoff of “Zombieland”?

Lovelock: I guess we’re ‘bout to find out.

Starkwell: So the director was like “I like ‘Zombieland’, I like strippers and boobies… how can I go wrong?”

Lovelock: If he only knew just HOW wrong.

Starkwell: Yeah, if he only knew.  If he only knew.  Guess what? I KNOW.  And I already know that I shouldn’t have already wasted five minutes on this piece of shit.  FUCK YOU, I’m out.

[Starkwell leaves before the opening credits even got a chance to roll.  He REALLY hates plagiarism.  This explains why he has basically never been able to sit through an ‘Asylum’ movie.  Lovelock is going to stick it out… for now.]

[...]

Anyways, main guy says “Welcome to Stripperland” and some really shitty “rock” music starts playing, the credits roll, and it’s a montage of strippers eating people.  Immediately after the credits, we are introduced to the Woody Harrelson knock off.  Instead of looking for twinkies, he’s looking for someone to bake a cake from scratch.  I wish I was making this up.  At this point, upon Lovelock’s request, I start skipping head.

[...]

[Lloyd Kaufman cameo?]

Lovelock: Obviously. Keep going.

[Old guy rapping, zombie strippers shake their ass, close-ups on asses.]

Lovelock: Please keep going. Hard.

[Apparently Linnea Quigley is in this too…]

Lovelock: Really?

[Can you believe this thing is almost two hours long?]

Lovelock: I quit.

[...]

Why was this made?  Fuck this movie.  It makes “Poultrygeist” look like “Pontypool”.

Bloodlust Zombies.

A 2010 straight-to-video film that features a porn actress in the starring role is almost guaranteed to be awful.  I’m surprised Starkwell and Lovelock haven’t already left the room.

[...]

[Scientists experiment on cats.]

Lovelock: Awww… look at the kitties.

Starkwell: Did you say kitties or titties?

Lovelock: Does it even matter at this point?

[...]

Worst acting ever, set design that looks like it was thrown together by five year olds, dialogue that sounds as if written by a drunken fifth grader… I don’t know how long this will last.

[...]

Starkwell: High powered military scientists, and those plastic champagne glasses are all they can afford?

[...]

Porn Star gets naked for crusty old dude, and Starkwell leaves.  Then Lovelock leaves.  Then I shut it off.  Hopeless.  How does bullshit like this get made?  Boobs, I guess.

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Poor DVD Choices.

This second round of Unwatchables is coming at you thanks some very poor DVD buying decisions that I have made.  I am noticing a pattern too.  The only movies that seem to make it to the dreaded unwatchable status were made after the turn of the millennium.  Often people will talk about movies and how we don’t make them like we used to.  Apparently, we even don’t make trashy micro-budget ones like we used.  Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t make it through any of these films from start to finish, but here was a little of what they had to say about each before they set the DVD player on fire.  Seriously, I went through six DVD players.

[...]

[Necropolis Awakened (2002)]

Starkwell: The box said “Pulp Fiction” meets “Day of the Dead”.  I’m not really getting that.

Lovelock: It’s more like a porno based on “Pulp Fiction” meets a high school film festival entry based on “Day of the Dead”.  But without any sex in it, and they’d finish last at the festival.

Starkwell: Why would anyone make their voice do that?

Lovelock: Probably so he could play more than one character.

[...]

[Exhumed (2003)]

[First story, samurai short with zombies.]

Starkwell: This kind of feels like a white person version of what he thinks a samurai movie would be…. Oh wait.

[Second story, film noir, with zombies.]

Lovelock: Holy shit! That is the most annoying voice I have ever heard.  Where did they find her?

Starkwell: It sounds like someone imitating someone who’s imitating someone who’s imitating a person from that era.

[Third story, they never watched.]

[...]

[Invasion (2005)]

Starkwell: The first person view from the squad car is interesting.  Nice concept.

[10 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Wow... sticking to the squad car angle... bold.

[10 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Wait are they just driving in circles in a field and filming it?

[30 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Zzzzzzzzzzzz…

[Lovelock was asleep the whole time.]

[...]

[Automaton Transfusion (2006)]

Starkwell: Do you think they made this movie just to see that girl’s boobies?

Lovelock: It would explain why the rest of the movie seems like they were making it up as they went along.

Starkwell: I think I would respect this movie more if it were made twenty years ago.

Lovelock: It’s original “Degrassi” meets “Children of the Living Dead”.

Starkwell: Spot on.

[...]

[Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)]

Starkwell: Do you think they decided to have the soft-core barnyard sex scene before or after they made it 3D?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I don’t think my glasses are working very well.  But I do see well enough to know that Sid Haig really needs money.

Starkwell: Yeah, he must have been fresh off of shooting “House of the Dead 2”.

Lovelock: I sort of wish my glasses was a blindfold.

Starkwell: And that it had earplugs attached.

[...]

[Trailer Park of Terror (2008)]

Starkwell: So… characters that I hate being killed by other characters that I hate?

Lovelock: Plus it’s gross!

[...]

On the bright side, at least we have six new coasters for the coffee table.  Some of these had some good ideas, but all eventually spiralled dreadfully out of control and ended up in Unwatchable Town.  I think Sid Haig might be the mayor there.  I’m going to go bake some brownies, and hopefully Lovelock and Starkwell will begin talking to me again.

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition.

I have a high tolerance for pain.  I’ve sat through Sho Kosugi movies.  I’ve seen Chuck Norris in ‘Firewalker’ more times than I would care to admit.  I’ve watched ‘Action Jackson’ without fast-forwarding.  I can openly admit to seeing the majority of the Charles Bronson movies from 70’s and 80’s and lived to see another day.  Starkwell and Lovelock have a decidedly lower level of patience. The following is a list of movies that are being categorized as UNWATCHABLE.  

For a movie to be classified as such, it means that they were unable to watch it in its entirety, and that it made them both wish they could set fire to their eyeballs, ears, and possibly brains.  The following are brief statements from either Lovelock or Starkwell regarding the movies in question.  None of these were viewed in their entirety, nor would I recommend that anyone take on such a venture.  It is also important to mention, that they were all attempted on the same day, in a row, with nothing but bathroom breaks (in some cases for vomiting) in between.  It was a long day.  They were all streamed off of Netflix, so don’t worry, no money was spent, just precious time that will never grow back.  Have at it, in chronological order.

[...]

[ The Dead Hate the Living! (2000) ]

Lovelock: Feels more like ‘The Filmmakers Hate the Audience!’.

[...]

[ Zombie Campout! (2002) ]

Starkwell: Best camp movie since ‘Ernest Goes to Camp’.

Lovelock: EwweEEwweEEwwwEEEwwww.

[...]

[ Die You Zombie Bastards! (2003) ]

Starkwell: If it feels like a Troma movie, and it looks like a Troma movie, then it probably SUCKS.

[...]

[ Zombie Nation (2004) ]

Lovelock : This feels like the kind of movie that the dumbest kid in your grade eight class would make.

[...]

[ ZA: Zombies Anonymous  (2006) ]

Starkwell : Bad concept, executed badly.

[...]

[ Quick and the Undead (2006) ]

Lovelock: A zombie western, made by people that probably have never seen a movie from either genre.

[...]

[ Awaken the Dead (2007) ]

Starkwell: This movie couldn’t awaken a viewer, so, yeah, good luck with the dead.

[...]

[ Zombie Town (2007) ]

Lovelock : Did we watch this one?

Starkwell: Who the hell knows anymore?  Even if we didn’t, let’s not.

[...]

[ Aaaah! Zombies!! a.k.a. Wasting Away (2007) ]

Starkwell: I’d rather stare at the movie’s DVD cover and imagine a story for ninety minutes than ever watch any part of this again.

Lovelock: I’d rather stare at you staring at the DVD cover for ninety minutes than ever watch any part of this again.

[...]

[ Mutant Vampire Zombies from the Hood (2008) ]

Lovelock: Too easy.

[...]

[ Deadgirl (2008) ]

Starkwell: A how-to guide on creating characters that no one could ever like, and a story that no one would ever want to see through until the end.

[...]

[ Beast Within a.k.a. Virus Undead (2008) ]

Lovelock: The review for 'Beast Within', which is just a two word review, just says “Shit Within”.

[...]

[ Retardead (2008) ]

Starkwell: As offensive to the movie viewer as the title is to ANYONE WITH ANY COMMON DECENCY.

[...]

[ Johnny Sunshine Maximum Violence (2008) ]

Lovelock: You know how there’s that one lame person at work with all the Goth shit in their cubicle, and they still listen to ‘Pretty Hate Machine’ and think that their purple hair makes them edgy?  They made this movie.

[...]

[ Colin (2008) ]

Starkwell: Actually an interesting concept, but the lack of budget made it impossible to watch.

[...]

[ The Zombie Apocalypse Collection (2008) ]

Lovelock: Try to find information about this movie.  You won’t.  That’s because no one knows how it ever got made.  Probably best that it remains a mystery, so that it never happens again.

[...]

[ Zombie Wars (2008) ]

Starkwell: Honestly who tries to make a movie with this grand of a scale on the budget of a porno?  People who don’t care about the viewers, that’s who.

[...]

[ Zombies Zombies Zombies: Strippers vs. Zombies (2008) ]

Lovelock : You know there was that one lame kid in high school who thought the meaning of life was Japanese Animated pornography and listening to the 'Insane Clown Posse', and thinking that his parents were just fascists trying to bring him down?  Yeah, they made this movie.

[...]

[ Zombie Strippers (2008) ]

Starkwell: Well, Lovelock’s statement above rings true for this one as well, except add to it a desperate Freddy Krueger and an aging and  leathery used porn actress.  So yeah, it’s that bad.

[...]

[ Zombie Women of Satan (2009) ]

Lovelock: This magical group of movie makers thought that they could improve bad writing and bad acting by adding naked spanking and full frontal male nudity.  Try and guess if they were right or not.

[...]

[ Edges of Darkness (2009) ]

Starkwell: It took five seconds to realize that the movie’s entre budget went on designing the movie poster, and not on anything else.

[...]

[ Zombie Farm (2009) ]

Lovelock : This is another one that you won’t be able to find much about.  That’s a good thing.  Please, don't look.

[...]

[ DIEner (2009) ]

Starkwell: This movie might have actually been alright, if it wasn’t so horrifyingly awful.

[...]

These should be mandatory viewing for anyone out there trying to make a zombie film as a reminder of what can happen when you do it wrong.  These movies had such a profound impact on Lovelock and Starkwell, that just hearing the music from the Wii Menu now makes Starkwell lock himself in the bathroom and Lovelock stick his head in the oven.  I think that while they are in recovery from this self-inflicted torture poopfest, I’ll try and refrain from loading up Netflix for a little while.  

I’m going to go read them a bedtime story from Max Brooks’ ‘World War Z’ and rock them back and forth into a happy and blissful coma.