Dr. Orloff's Monster.

Oddly enough when I try to find this film online, it says the film is actually called “The Mistresses of Dr. Jekyll” and was released in 1964, as opposed to what Netflix is feeding me, “Dr.Orloff’s Monster” from 1967.   What’s even better, is that when I play the film, the title appears in French and coincides with what my INTARWEBS search has given me.  Considering some of the titles that they ‘suggest’ for me, I should have known that accuracy was not Netflix’s strong suit.  This is an earlier Jess Franco picture, and within a few minutes we can already see that he had a very different style than most, even at this time.

[...]

[Old man dies, passes on his research to younger beard man.  The research involves reviving dead people with a high frequency sound.]

Starkwell: Holy Hell, do they need to actually play the sound like that.

[A couple of minutes of the sound goes, dead guy rises.]

Lovelock: Never has Franco’s slow pace made my head hurt this much.

Starkwell: In other news, that was one of the worst looking castles that I have ever seen.

Lovelock: It’s only a model.

Starkwell: Dude that was real.

Lovelock: For reals?

Starkwell: Really.

[...]

The film is full of jagged cuts.  Hard to tell if it is a bad print, or how it actually always was.  But unfortunately any time the scientist uses the zombie to do his bidding we have to hear the high pitched noise.

[...]

[Zombie chokes a stripper after her show.]

Starkwell: Why did they need to choke that stripper?

Lovelock: Did you see her 'show'? Lame.

[...]

[We are introduced to a girl named Melissa, Dr. Fisherman’s niece.]

Starkwell: I feel like something is lost in translation, like what they are saying is not what they are actually saying.

Lovelock: Wait, Beardy is Fisherman?  So where’s Dr. Orloff?  What about Dr. Jekyll?

Starkwell: I don’t know, but I feel like the ‘monster’ is that awful high-pitched noise.

[...]

Melissa goes to see her uncle and he acts all “DON’T GO IN TO MY LAB EVER”.  Alarm bells are ringing, Melissa.  Other than the aunt and uncle fighting and acting weird, not much happens for a while.  Then there’s a long dragged out club scene / musical number.  Well, actually, every scene is long and dragged out.  Oh, and I think he choked the stripper to get a necklace back?  I’m not sure.

[...]

[Fisherman sends his zombie to choke out the woman from the nightclub he just gave another necklace to, and get back the necklace that he just gave her?]

Starkwell: Ok, so Beardy finds nightclub singers and/or strippers that he likes, gives them necklaces, and then kills them and gets the necklace back?

Lovelock: He probably does sex on them in between those two.  I think that’s why he gives her the necklace.

Starkwell: That’s unclear.

Lovelock: Wait, he’s not taking the necklace back?  What a waste.

[...]

The cops are brought in, and realize that the stripper and singer must have had the same killer, since they had similar amateurishly crafted necklaces.  The cops don’t buy the whole “we shot him and it didn’t affect him at all” thing that the club owners are saying happened re: the zombie.  We then find out that the zombie is Melissa’s father.

[...]

Starkwell: I don’t get why he needs to kill the women… It's not like his wife isn't already onto him...

Lovelock: “Mistresses of Dr. Jekyll”?  More like “Dead Ladies of Dr. Fisherman”.

Starkwell: “Dead Ladies of Dr. Fisherman, that’s I’m pretty sure he didn’t even bang”.

Lovelock: “High-Pitched Noise of Professor Fisherman”?

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[High-pitched noise sounds off again for a few minutes.]

Starkwell: I’m fucking done.

[Starkwell’s out.]

Lovelock: He’s not named Orloff or Jekyll, and he has no actual mistresses… Just bitches he gives shit to and then chokes with the help of his zombie and super computer high pitched dog whistle.

[Wait… Dr. Orloff was the old dead guy from the beginning?]

Lovelock: I must have missed that.  Wait, did that cop say “robutt”?  The ZOMBIE is a RO-BUTT.

[...]

Holy shit, boring.  It goes on for what feels like forever, after zombie dad gets a few more chokes in and even punches a woman in the face.  There’s a scene where zombie dad and Melissa stare at each for like fifteen minutes.  She brings him to a hotel and all of the cops shoot the shit out of his head.  The end.  Or as they say at the end of this film “Fin”.  Or as Lovelock says “you know what? Fuck you, movie”. What a mess.

Virgin Among the Living Dead.

Often referred to by it’s other title “Christine, Princess of Eroticism”, this Franco cult 'classic' is almost certain to make Starkwell leave and Lovelock scratch his head.  And yet, both seem so eager and excited to watch the movie.  Such is the mystery that is Jess Franco’s body of work.  The opening credits are as schizophrenic as any I have ever seen.  I should mention that the film is in French.

[...]

Lovelock: If this music is any indication of the style of movie we are about to watch, then we are about to watch musical diarrhea.

Starkwell: Or the weirdest porno of all time.

[...]

The terrible acting and badly overdubbed French dialogue has informed Starkwell and Lovelock that the young Miss Benton is heading to Monteserate’s Castle.  Apparently, no one ever goes there…  Locals say that the people there are dead.  Not haunted, not just weird people, straight up dead people.  I’m sure we’ll soon find out what the deal is.  First she is going to stay the night in a shitty hotel.

[...]

[Miss Benton has a nightmare, squirms in bed, wakes up.]

Lovelock: You think Franco says to these women “sound scared but also, mostly aroused”?

Starkwell: Something like that.

Lovelock: Of course she walks around the hotel in her silky transparent underwear.

Starkwell: That's his next guideline, generally.

[...]

Apparently Moneserate’s Castle is actually her family’s castle… so she is very much intent on still going there.  She doesn’t believe for a second that everyone’s dead.  Then she gets a ride out to the castle, and there’s a long scene where Miss Benton waxes philosophical.  It’s her voice reciting a nonsensical poem while shitty jazz fusion plays over canned jungle sounds.  Lovelock almost pissed his pants.

[...]

[Uncle Howard plays piano.]

Lovelock: That is the worst fake piano playing I’ve ever seen.

[Miss Benton walks up a staircase and hears female moaning sounds.]

Starkwell: What the Hell is going on?

[Black Haired woman sits alone in a room at a desk drawing crosses in red paint.]

Lovelock: What?

[Some woman dies, they have a funeral, Uncle Howard sings, the rest of the family sings along.]

Lovelock: I don’t think they’re singing the same song.

Starkwell: The dead girl totally moved her eyes.

Lovelock: Why would Miss Benton stay here?

Starkwell: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell speak French, and yet I still think something is being lost in translation.

[...]

Lovelock: Of course she sleeps fully naked.  Over the covers.

[...]

[The weird mute guy groans at Miss Benton, or Christina as she is now being called, and waves a dead rat in her face, she runs back into her room.]

Starkwell: Well that didn’t really serve any purpose.

Lovelock: Good thing she was naked before it all happened.

Starkwell: I bet the dead rat waving and groaning thing usually works on the naked ladies.

[...]

Anyways, we get some back story about Christina.  She never knew her Mom or Dad.  The people of this castle are apparently her Dad’s family, and she’s expecting inheritance of some kind.  I guess that’s why she’s there.

[...]

[Christina goes for a walk in the forest.]

Starkwell: She certainly likes wearing green.  She camouflages with the forest.

Lovelock: She isn’t all that big on wearing bras, on the other hand.

[She finds a pond, so obviously she gets naked and jumps in.]

Lovelock: Obviously two creepy old dudes watch her from the bushes.

Starkwell: Is something going to happen in this movie, I mean other than Christina walking around in various levels of undress?

Lovelock: "Virgin Among the Living Dead"?  More like “Boredom Among the Sleeping Audience.”

[...]

Then Christina goes back to the castle, gets a slap in the face from Uncle Howard, finds dead bats in her bed, and then walks in on Clemenze (a girl) and The Lazy-Eyed (?) Cousin (also a girl) having some kind of lesbian pube trimming session, complete with sucking blood from a fresh cut on the boobies.  The scene goes on for like three whole minutes.

[...]

[Christina wakes up scared and tries to escape the castle, in her nightgown.]

Lovleock: She is certainly well equipped for the jungle, what with the whole being naked and confused all the time.

Starkwell: So let me get this straight… She sees one of her cousins or whatever nakedly sucking booby blood from an equally naked cousin… and she goes downstairs to eat some dinner… but a little nightmare sends her running for the jungle?

[...]

[Lawyer comes and reads the will, everything goes to Christina, but she tells the weirdoes that they can all stay.]  

Starkwell: Why would she let them stay?  Euuuuhhh….

[Uncle Howard plays piano and Clemenze squirms around half naked on the floor.  This lasts several minutes.]

Lovelock: That’s pretty entertaining… maybe that’s why.  Maybe CHristina likes a little crazy.

[...]

Starkwell: If you have to ask “WHICH ONE” when someone mentions a scene where the main character wakes up naked in bed, chances are that you have too many.

Lovelock: True… but this time she wakes up to find a huge black dildo/vase on the ground.  It has balls!

[Christina smashes the cock vase, and this apparently is going to bring a curse on her head.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never smash cock and ball vases.

Starkwell: Do you have a cock and ball vase?

Lovelock: No, but I think you can get them at the Pottery Barn.

[...]

[Mute Guy strangles Lazy-Eyed Cousin.]

Starkwell: Was it really necessary for her to get naked right before he strangled her?

Lovelock: To get the part?  Probably.  I can’t imagine what Franco put these girls through.

Starkwell: That didn't make any sense.

Lovelock: Your face doesn't make any sense.

[...]

Anyways, Christina keeps seeing her dead dad, and starts following him around, because CLEARLY that's what you do when you see dead people.  But then Uncle Howard and the gang show up to fulfill the curse… The curse of the big black cock and balls!  Apparently to fulfill it, they need to tear her clothes and gnaw at her thighs, for a while.

[...]

Lovelock: Not that I want them to be, but why wouldn’t the dudes ever be naked too?  I mean, if this is one big naked fest...

Starkwell: The fake cock and balls of the vase was enough for me thanks.

[...]

Then there was some strange sacrifice scene involving naked women straddling each other and her undead dad leaking blood out of his mouth.  Then Christina woke up delirious in the hotel from the beginning.  After that I think it like flashed back to the night before… I think.  The whole family, Christina included, drowned themselves in a pond out behind the castle and claimed to be returning to the river Styx.  Definitely a happy ending.

Oasis of the Zombies.

After their experience with Rollin’s (or was it J.A. Laser???) “Zombie Lake”, the thought of another Aquatic Based Nazi Zombie film has Starkwell and Lovelock a little terrified.  Not to mention the fact that this one is from seasoned pornographer and cinetrash maker extraordinaire Jess Franco.  What is about to ooze into their eyes and ears is his notoriously abysmal “Oasis of the Zombies”.  I don’t think they’re truly ready.  Can you ever be truly ready for Franco?  The quality of the print is atrocious.  That can’t possibly be helping this.  Also, no matter what the original language was, this is being shown to us in PISS POOR ENGLISH.

[...]

[Girls in hot pants get eaten.  Opening credits play with some kind of flute music.]

Starkwell: Why would two girls in short shorts and tank tops be driving around the deert in Africa?

Lovelock: To his credit, the girls kept their tiny clothes on.

[...]

After this, not much was going on.  There appears to be some sort of Nazi gold thing happening, and there are some pretty sweet moustaches.  The story is surprisingly cohesive, although not very fast moving.  I think something is being lost in translation, since, as Starkwell said, “did he tell her to hold on to her camel?” and Lovelock’s question “so the girls at the beginning were lesbians, right?”.

[...]

[Flashback to when the Nazis were ambushed at the Oasis.]

Starkwell: That’s a lot of grenade being tossed around.

Lovelock: Woah!  First Person Shooter angle!  Jess Franco invented video games!

Starkwell: That’s a bit of a stretch.

Lovelock: Wait.  Are we still in the flashback now?  I’m confused.

[...]

[Eurotrash college students skip their exam to go after supposedly cursed Nazi gold, somewhere in Africa.]

Starkwell: Little do they know that the guy who killed the one student’s father is also out on a journey for the very same gold that they are going after.

Lovelock:  I’m not even sure that I knew that.  But thanks for clarifying.

Starkwell: He sure likes to focus on that swastika.

Lovelock: It’s so that we know that the zombies are Nazis.

Starkwell: Yeah, otherwise they just look like dudes with oatmeal on their faces.

Lovelock: Expensive oatmeal.  And maggots.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell sat quietly, watching the surprisingly freaky looking zombies eat people.  Starkwell noted “of course, they took her pants off first” to which Lovelock replied “how else would they be able to eat her?”  At one point, they simultaneously exclaimed “LONGEST DEATH EVER!”

[...]

[College kids dig for gold.]

Starkwell: How would they know where to dig?

Lovelock: Instinct?

Starkwell: Considering half of them have already been attacked by zombies and are still sticking around, I’d say that their instinct is piss poor.

Lovelock: And somehow, they’re still horny enough to make the sex.

Starkwell: Is it just me or do the zombies make noises like the raptors in “Jurassic Park”?

Lovelock: Wow.  Normally I would bring in the oddly placed references.  I’m proud of you.  Anyways, you’re wrong.  They sound like a jug band member playing a washboard.

[...]

After the fifth shot of a hand coming out of the sand, they were starting to lose their patience a little.  But then finally the carnage started and they ate tons of popcorn and cheered.

[...]

[College kids fight back.]

Lovelock: Did that guy say "let’s make Molotov Cocktails like in school?”  Where the Hell do they go to school?

Starkwell: Am I the only one that thinks that Franco focuses on the zombie faces for absurdly long amounts of time forever?

Lovelock: How come that one zombie disappeared into thin air?

Starkwell: Let’s not ask questions that we know don’t have answers to.

Lovelock: You do that all of the time.

[...]

Judging by the final lines of dialogue in the film, the main character was just there to “find himself”.  Fucking college kids…  Always trying to explore themselves by traveling.  Anyways, maybe it was just because “Zombie Lake” drove their expectations for Nazi zombie films down to an undetectably low level, but they seemed to feel that this was a perfectly adequate and fun romp in the desert, full of burning Nazis and ‘splosions.

Zombie Lake.

Well, the time has already come to attack another Rollin film.  Granted this one isn’t actually credited to Rollin.  It’s credited to some kind of Rollin-Laserna hybrid called J.A. Laser. Anyways, “Le Lac des Mort Vivants” a.k.a. “Zombie Lake” is supposedly the worst of the Aquatic Nazi Zombie movies (yes, it is actually a recognized sub-genre), but we’re here to find out if there is any truth to that claim.  It’s a pretty dismal playing field from what we’ve seen, so being the worst would be quite an accomplishment.  Let’s do this.  At least we won’t need subtitles because of our aforementioned French speaking capabilities.  Oh yeah, this was produced in 1981…

[...]

[Movie opens with a girl stripping and swimming around, until a Nazi zombie drowns her.  I know that it’s a Nazi because of the movie’s title.  If not for that, I would assume he was a witch from a bad children’s’ television program, or Lou Ferrigno.]

Starkwell: Why would the zombie need to take such a big breath when he pops up… isn’t already dead?

Lovelock: Maybe he was silently roaring?

Starkwell: Seems like they made this movie as an excuse to film naked women with an underwater camera.

Lovelock: Was that a criticism?

Starkwell: That’s the worst looking zombie I have ever seen.

[...]

[Zombie bites a girl’s neck.  Villagers take the dead body to the Mayor.]

Starkwell: The bite mark is on the opposite side of where the Incredible Hulk bit her…

Lovelock: Who needs continuity when you have Nazi zombies and boobies?

Starkwell: Obviously NOT this film’s production team.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell fell asleep during a long love sequence.  There were boobies and everything, but as Lovelock said, “if I want to see a simulated sex scene, I will watch a soft core porno that doesn’t feature green Nazi zombies slurping ketchup off female necks”.

[...]

[They woke up from horrible overly French music, and just into time to see a large group of girls going skinny dipping in the lake.  Nazi zombies are on the prowl.]

Starkwell: At least someone is having fun.

Lovelock: That Nazi kicked the other one in the head.  It clearly moved his green bathing cap. They’re still taking breaths before they go underwater…

Starkwell: So… much…nudity…

[...]

[Nazi zombie walks into house and gives a little girl his necklace.]

Lovelock: What the… ? What is this fucking movie!?!?!?!

Starkwell: Based on the story, acting and quantity of nudity, it is a porno.  Sadly, the lack of actual pornography in it just makes it a terrible movie.

[...]

[Zombies rise out of the water and attack the cops.]

Starkwell: Holy shit, one of them just adjusted their fake nose.

Lovelock: Are they attacking that cop or making out with his neck and face?

[...]

The zombies came out of the water and started tearing up the town.  By tearing up the town, of course, I mean gingerly pushing chairs over at the local watering hole.  I should mention that in this montage of zombie action (I use that term loosely) we see many more pairs of French breasts.  Starkwell definitely has one foot out the door.  The novelty of this film wore off of Lovelock about ten boobies ago.  Considering how they just rose from the water in those thick army jackets, “they all look remarkably dry”, noted Starkwell. The villagers form a posse to take out the Nazi zombies.

[...]

[Posse is formed.]

Starkwell: Is it just me, or is the posse made up entirely of old people, and winos, and pussies?

Lovelock: Well, it is France.

[...]

[The zombies are shown underwater in the lake.]

Starkwell: Apparently the lake has an underwater light on its concrete wall.

[Zombies rise from the water.]

Lovelock: Either that is the exact same shot as before, or that one zombie can’t seem to keep his nose on.

[...]

[Who the hell knows what is even happening anymore, but apparently necklace girl can save everyone with a bucket of blood.]

Lovelock: That blood looks like tomato soup.

Starkwell: This is the dumbest plan I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: But look!  It worked!

Starkwell: Unlike this movie, which doesn't.

[...]

Then there were some of the worst fire effects ever committed to film, and then it ended.  When the highlight of a zombie film is the early eighties eurosex/ nudity scenes, it is safe to say that you have a bad zombie film.  This is one of the worst movies that I have ever seen.  Case closed.  Well, actually, the soundtrack was pretty rad.