War of the Dead.

It’s hard to imagine that Nazi Zombie Movies is an actual thing, but it is.  This is the most recent one that I know of, along with the “Outpost” sequel.  This one looks to be more an homage to the Nazi Zombie films of the late nineteen seventies and early eighties, than a nod to pure excess (“Dead Snow”) or a flat out tale of pure horror (the “Outpost” movies)… But still, it appears to be sort of doing its own thing, in that this one actually takes PLACE during the war, as opposed to being about a group of unlucky souls unearthing ancient undead Nazis.  I, for one, am excited to see what happens.

[...]

[Captured soldier is tortured by the Nazis with some sort of experimental injection of black tar shit.]

Starkwell: Ok… you had me at hello.

[Captured soldier’s eyes go white (a.k.a. zombie).]

Lovelock: You had me at hello indeed.

[...]

Americans and Finnish soldiers wander through the forest in search of an old Soviet bunker that they want to destroy.

[...]

[Good guys are ambushed.]

Lovelock: Decent gun effects.

Starkwell: The flashes of black and white are cheesy, and totally unnecessary.

Lovelock: You’re cheesy and unnecessary.

[...]

A chunk of the Finnish and American dudes survive, but then they meet up with ZOMBIES!  I guess if you want to play semantics, technically the zombies are not Nazis, they are undead RUSSIANs that are helping the Nazis by eating people and not dying.  They are the Nazi’s zombies, not Nazi zombies.  But seriously?  Same fucking thing.

[...]

[They try and hide in a cabin, but the “28 Days Later” style zombies swarm the cabin and bite the shit out of a bunch of the dudes.]

Lovelock: Not shy on the death count.

Starkwell: Yeah, they’re not fucking around.  Since they aren’t making much of a point to develop any characters, we can assume that at any time, anyone can go.

Lovelock: Sounds good to me.

Starkwell: The main character is ‘war’ I guess.

[...]

Solid action so far and an awful lot of fun to watch.  Starkwell and Lovelock can often be saying things like “woah” and “boom” or “there it is” or “shovel-kill!!!!!”.  Yes, there was a shovel kill.

[...]

Starkwell: So, what exactly is their mission?

Lovelock: Entertaining the audience, I assume.

[...]

Eventually the soldiers find the lab where the anti-death research was being done.  Very creepy.  The film moves fast, and, while light on character, still manages to make you root for the good guy soldiers.  I guess the easiest way to make people root for characters is to have them fighting Nazis.  It definitely helped Indiana Jones be even more awesome.

[...]

[Guy has to kill his wife.]

Starkwell: Are you crying?

Lovelock: Yeah, tears of GO FUCK YOURSELF.

[...]

The rest of the movie played out and there wasn’t much that Lovelock or Starkwell said that was worth documenting.  I think at the end one of them, or both of them actually, said “what a blast”.  But I don’t if they were only saying that because of all of the explosions or because they really had fun.  It ends on a cliffhanger that actually made them both laugh, but mostly because the movie’s final line of dialogue was cheesy as balls.  Do I smell a sequel?  Probably not ever going to happen.

Shock Waves.

I can't really be sure if you could say that this is the original Nazi Zombie film, especially not if you count something like "They Froze Hitler's Brain".  And certainly Zombie Soldiers had previously been tackled.  But "Shock Waves" did that with Peter Cushing, so COME ON that must get it some extra brownie points.   Anyways, this was essentially cloned two more times with "Oasis" and "Lake", so let's see what all the fuss was about.

[...]

[Narrator explains that the Nazis did experiments on corpses, to create SUPER SOLDIERS, and that this squad of invincible soldiers was NEVER CAUGHT.]

Starkwell: I just got goose bumps, did you get goose bumps?

Lovelock: Is that the same things as shitting in your pants?  Because if so, I just had explosive goose bumps.

[...]

After the opening credits roll, it cuts to a woman floating out at sea on a rowboat, and being rescued by a fishing boat.  She narrates the story, and begins explaining, as they begin showing just how she got there.  In the flashback, she's on a boat with Captain John Carradine and some dude with a crazy mustache.  I think there are lots of other people too.

[...]

[There is a married couple, and an old crotchety cook, and dude who seems to like making castles with cards.]

Lovelock: If that cook saves the day, then this it TOTALLY where "Under Siege" got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: I don't see that happening.

Lovelock: Why are they on this boat?

Starkwell: I don't think it is to find undead Nazi super soldiers…

Lovelock: But that is EXACTLY what they're going to do.

[...]

Then they run into a huge ghost ship that appeared out of nowhere, and then disappeared seemingly into thin air.  In the morning, they row to a nearby island.  Carradine seems to have disappeared.  Then they find him, dead. They walk the island and find an old abandoned hotel resort of some kind.  There they meet Peter Cushing.  I can't tell yet if he is a good guy or a bad guy.

[...]

[Zombie walks around on the ocean floor and then pops out of the ocean.]

Starkwell: So… he was just hanging around the coral reef?

Lovelock: Probably looking at the fishies.

Starkwell: Apparently looking at the camera too.

Lovelock: Excellent.

[...]

[Nazi Zombies rise up out of the water and walk onto shore.  The cook goes out to fish up some food and one of the zombies drowns him.]

Lovelock: There we go.  Off to a good start.

[The rest of the group find his body and see two of the zombies slowly walk away.]

Starkwell: Wouldn't they be hiding or something?

Lovelock: They're not ninjas, guy.

[...]

Peter Cushing seems to be a good guy, NOW, in the sense that he tries to warn them and tells them they need to leave.  But he does explain that he is the one that created the super soldiers during the war and has tried to keep them on this secluded island, hidden way… but says that they are now ON THE LOOSE and out to kill.  Then he runs into the forest and one of the zombies drowns him.

[...]

Lovelock:  SO… MANY… underwater shots.

[...]

There was a scene where nerdy guy named Norman was surprised and drowned without making a peep.  Lovelock shouted out "quietest death ever" and then both he and Starkwell laughed for five minutes re-watching the scene several times.

[...]

[Main character Rose takes off one of the zombie's goggles and he dies immediately, because of the sun… I think.]

Lovelock: Some super soldiers… they can't take their goggles off?

Starkwell: Was this thing filmed in a library?  People are being attacked and dying and zombies are dying and LITERALLY no sounds are being made.

Lovelock: Those goggles must be seriously awesome.

Starkwell: They don't have guns, and move real slow.  Just run up to them and take their goggles off.  How hard is that?

Lovelock: You'd think if the scientist can create a super soldier whose only weakness is LIGHT, he'd figure out a way to make those goggles more permanent.  Those elastics are usually flimsy.

[...]

[The Nazis continue to hunt/drown the survivors.]

Lovelock: So the only way they know how to kill people is drowning them?

Starkwell: Doesn't seem like a very threatening force.  Pretty useless in a gunfight… How could they have been a death squad in World War 2?

Lovelock: Maybe they used to carry around buckets of water.

[They drown one guy in a pool, the other girl in a fishtank.]

Lovelock: Lucky for them there was a fish tank in that room… otherwise where would they have drown her?

Starkwell: Why would he have been walking in the pool?

Lovelock: "The zombies seems to hide in the water… so I think I'll go for a swim."  These people are all getting what they deserve.

[...]

Then Rose sails off in a rowboat.  The end.  Lovelock made some jokes all throughout about this being where "Lost" got all of its ideas, but Starkwell and EVERYONE ELSE agrees that it makes no sense to say that.  Lovelock likes to think everyone is ripping everyone off.

Outpost.

How the Nazi zombie thing ever took off as a sub-genre will always be a bit of a mystery to me.  At least the more recent incarnations doesn’t have them coming out of the water like the AQUATIC Nazi zombie movies, a sub-genre within the sub-genre.  As far as Nazi zombie films go, Steve Barker’s “Outpost” is supposed to be as straightforwardly scary as they come.  No comedy here, just scary Nazis coming back from the dead to terrorize people, and in this case, Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

[British soldier takes group of soldier/mercenaries on a secret mission.]

Lovelock: When a creepy British guy tells me not to take a job, honestly, I probably wouldn’t take it.

Starkwell: Decent advice, I’d say.

Lovelock: Interesting mix of characters… It’s nice to see all of the countries getting along.

Starkwell: Yeah, for the right price.

[...]

The movie then gets really creepy really quickly, as the soldiers enter some abandoned bunker and find old Nazi experimentation and torture type shit.  Lovelock and Starkwell were LITERALLY at the edge of their seats.  I’ve never seen anyone lean towards a television quite that hard.

[...]

[Soldiers find pile of dead bodies, American Soldier finds Nazi flag.]

Lovelock: GAAAAAAAh that one’s alive.

Starkwell: Who stays in a place after finding all this?

Lovelock: Characters in a SCARY FUCKING MOVIE.

[...]

[British Mission Leader explains the weird device to British Soldier.]

Lovelock: So basically this guy is like a slightly creepy and evil Indiana Jones.

Starkwell: Indiana Jones fights the Nazis.  This guy is trying to harness their power…

Lovelock: No time for love Doctor Jones.

[...]

The dead body pile starts cricking, cracking and moving and Lovelock let out a little gasp of horror.  Then the Nazis have them surrounded in a flash of light and a gust of ice wind.  Then they’re gone and so is Russian Soldier.  Now Lovelock and Starkwell aren’t just on the edges of their seat.  They are off the couch in a chair squat ready to jump and run away scared.

[...]

[Eyeball gag.]

Lovelock: Rusty bullet to the eye.  “Outpost”, one, every other movie, zero.

[...]

The action then skyrocketed as Nazi zombies explode people’s brains with their bare hands and vanish without a trace.

[...]

[Turns out creepy bald guy is actually a Nazi, he kills the Scottish Soldier first.]

Lovelock: That’s why you never steal a Nazi zombie’s watch.

Starkwell: That’s certainly one reason why.

[...]

[They hatch a plan to stand guard while scientist dude does some sciencey shenanigans to stop the Nazi zombies.]

Starkwell: So the American Soldier is... into this?

Lovelock: I don’t know… but it certainly doesn’t seem like a good time to get stoned.

Starkwell: Yeah, “smoke’em if you got’em” shouldn’t be applied to a Nazi zombie life or death scenario.

[...]

Lovelock: I think if I ever wrote a movie with battle scenes, I would make it the first one to not have a commander screaming “HOLD…. HOLD… HOLLLLLLLDD…” at some point.

[...]

Well Captain Science sort of figures it out, but then the device explodes and the Nazis get back up, and proceed to have a STABBING FRENZY upon Irish Soldier.  Also everyone dies.  Horrifying movie.  Good horrifying, not bad horrifying.  Apparently there is a prequel set to come out this year. Starkwell and Lovelock exclaimed, in unison, that they cannot wait.

Dead Snow.

It’s not often that I get the chance to have a look at what Norwegian horror cinema is all about.  So, given the opportunity to show 2009’s “Dead Snow” to Lovelock and Starkwell, needless to say, I jumped at the aforementioned opportunity.  Along with “Outpost”, this is one of the fewer recent Nazi Zombie movies that I can think of, and promises to be a lot of fun, even if Lovelock is already complaining about the subtitles, before we’ve even hit play.

[...]

[Girl runs through snowy woods, away from some kind of monster.]

Starkwell: It’s been a while since I’ve seen a good Day for Night shot.

Lovelock: Shhhh… The Nazis are trying to have a meal.

[...]

There was a scene where the characters were talking about horror films, which sparked a debate between Starkwell and Lovelock about whether or not it is okay to directly reference films inside a film.  I honestly don’t know who won, or who was on which side, but at one point someone said that “the minute you reference something, you open yourself up to comparison and that can barely ever be good for you.”

[...]

[Blondie sees something in the woods, creepy old guy tells them Nazi story.]

Lovelock: [nervous fart…………]

Starkwell: This film manages to mix together so many terrifying things.  Night time, the woods, snow and cold, Nazis, zombies and all set in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Even the language sounds creepy.

Lovelock: Seriously, it sounds like a backwards record.  That’s how monsters sound in my nightmares.

[...]

[Guys race down hill on a GT Snow Racer.]

Lovelock: I hated the GT Snow Racer kids.  Where’s the challenge when you can steer like that?

Starkwell: Tobogganing is supposed to be a challenge?

Lovelock: You wouldn’t understand. 

[...]

[Guy follows footprints and falls into a pit.]

Lovelock: That’s why when I see bloody footprints leading away from a dead body, I don’t follow them.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why. 

[...]

[Girl follows Fat Dude into the outhouse and screws him.]

Starkwell: He just finished wiping his ass and she hops on for a ride?

Lovelock: I feel nauseous.

[After the hump, she falls into the shit hole.  Lovelock pukes.]

[...]

Then the horror action picked up at top speed.  I think at one point after Fat Dude’s head was ripped in half, Lovelock said “That’s what I’m talking about!” Once the Nazi Zombies started making their fully lit daytime appearances, and the characters began squaring off with them, there was little for Starkwell and Lovelock to do except sit and marvel at the impressively horrifying Nazi zombies, the massive amounts of gore, and the remarkably effective use of color.

[...]

Starkwell: Something else scary to add to the list… buried alive.

[...]

[Montage of zombie kills.]

Starkwell: Interesting musical choice.

Lovelock: Maybe this is the Norwegian version of “Takin’ Care of Business”.

[...]

Do they reference famous films? Yes.  Is it worthy to make those references? Absolutely it is.  I feel like people will reference this movie in twenty years.  Lovelock and Starkwell have both agreed that the Nazi Zombie genre is alive and well, at least for the length of this glorious film.  Also, when the ending credits started, I think that Lovelock’s head full exploded.

Oasis of the Zombies.

After their experience with Rollin’s (or was it J.A. Laser???) “Zombie Lake”, the thought of another Aquatic Based Nazi Zombie film has Starkwell and Lovelock a little terrified.  Not to mention the fact that this one is from seasoned pornographer and cinetrash maker extraordinaire Jess Franco.  What is about to ooze into their eyes and ears is his notoriously abysmal “Oasis of the Zombies”.  I don’t think they’re truly ready.  Can you ever be truly ready for Franco?  The quality of the print is atrocious.  That can’t possibly be helping this.  Also, no matter what the original language was, this is being shown to us in PISS POOR ENGLISH.

[...]

[Girls in hot pants get eaten.  Opening credits play with some kind of flute music.]

Starkwell: Why would two girls in short shorts and tank tops be driving around the deert in Africa?

Lovelock: To his credit, the girls kept their tiny clothes on.

[...]

After this, not much was going on.  There appears to be some sort of Nazi gold thing happening, and there are some pretty sweet moustaches.  The story is surprisingly cohesive, although not very fast moving.  I think something is being lost in translation, since, as Starkwell said, “did he tell her to hold on to her camel?” and Lovelock’s question “so the girls at the beginning were lesbians, right?”.

[...]

[Flashback to when the Nazis were ambushed at the Oasis.]

Starkwell: That’s a lot of grenade being tossed around.

Lovelock: Woah!  First Person Shooter angle!  Jess Franco invented video games!

Starkwell: That’s a bit of a stretch.

Lovelock: Wait.  Are we still in the flashback now?  I’m confused.

[...]

[Eurotrash college students skip their exam to go after supposedly cursed Nazi gold, somewhere in Africa.]

Starkwell: Little do they know that the guy who killed the one student’s father is also out on a journey for the very same gold that they are going after.

Lovelock:  I’m not even sure that I knew that.  But thanks for clarifying.

Starkwell: He sure likes to focus on that swastika.

Lovelock: It’s so that we know that the zombies are Nazis.

Starkwell: Yeah, otherwise they just look like dudes with oatmeal on their faces.

Lovelock: Expensive oatmeal.  And maggots.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell sat quietly, watching the surprisingly freaky looking zombies eat people.  Starkwell noted “of course, they took her pants off first” to which Lovelock replied “how else would they be able to eat her?”  At one point, they simultaneously exclaimed “LONGEST DEATH EVER!”

[...]

[College kids dig for gold.]

Starkwell: How would they know where to dig?

Lovelock: Instinct?

Starkwell: Considering half of them have already been attacked by zombies and are still sticking around, I’d say that their instinct is piss poor.

Lovelock: And somehow, they’re still horny enough to make the sex.

Starkwell: Is it just me or do the zombies make noises like the raptors in “Jurassic Park”?

Lovelock: Wow.  Normally I would bring in the oddly placed references.  I’m proud of you.  Anyways, you’re wrong.  They sound like a jug band member playing a washboard.

[...]

After the fifth shot of a hand coming out of the sand, they were starting to lose their patience a little.  But then finally the carnage started and they ate tons of popcorn and cheered.

[...]

[College kids fight back.]

Lovelock: Did that guy say "let’s make Molotov Cocktails like in school?”  Where the Hell do they go to school?

Starkwell: Am I the only one that thinks that Franco focuses on the zombie faces for absurdly long amounts of time forever?

Lovelock: How come that one zombie disappeared into thin air?

Starkwell: Let’s not ask questions that we know don’t have answers to.

Lovelock: You do that all of the time.

[...]

Judging by the final lines of dialogue in the film, the main character was just there to “find himself”.  Fucking college kids…  Always trying to explore themselves by traveling.  Anyways, maybe it was just because “Zombie Lake” drove their expectations for Nazi zombie films down to an undetectably low level, but they seemed to feel that this was a perfectly adequate and fun romp in the desert, full of burning Nazis and ‘splosions.

Zombie Lake.

Well, the time has already come to attack another Rollin film.  Granted this one isn’t actually credited to Rollin.  It’s credited to some kind of Rollin-Laserna hybrid called J.A. Laser. Anyways, “Le Lac des Mort Vivants” a.k.a. “Zombie Lake” is supposedly the worst of the Aquatic Nazi Zombie movies (yes, it is actually a recognized sub-genre), but we’re here to find out if there is any truth to that claim.  It’s a pretty dismal playing field from what we’ve seen, so being the worst would be quite an accomplishment.  Let’s do this.  At least we won’t need subtitles because of our aforementioned French speaking capabilities.  Oh yeah, this was produced in 1981…

[...]

[Movie opens with a girl stripping and swimming around, until a Nazi zombie drowns her.  I know that it’s a Nazi because of the movie’s title.  If not for that, I would assume he was a witch from a bad children’s’ television program, or Lou Ferrigno.]

Starkwell: Why would the zombie need to take such a big breath when he pops up… isn’t already dead?

Lovelock: Maybe he was silently roaring?

Starkwell: Seems like they made this movie as an excuse to film naked women with an underwater camera.

Lovelock: Was that a criticism?

Starkwell: That’s the worst looking zombie I have ever seen.

[...]

[Zombie bites a girl’s neck.  Villagers take the dead body to the Mayor.]

Starkwell: The bite mark is on the opposite side of where the Incredible Hulk bit her…

Lovelock: Who needs continuity when you have Nazi zombies and boobies?

Starkwell: Obviously NOT this film’s production team.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell fell asleep during a long love sequence.  There were boobies and everything, but as Lovelock said, “if I want to see a simulated sex scene, I will watch a soft core porno that doesn’t feature green Nazi zombies slurping ketchup off female necks”.

[...]

[They woke up from horrible overly French music, and just into time to see a large group of girls going skinny dipping in the lake.  Nazi zombies are on the prowl.]

Starkwell: At least someone is having fun.

Lovelock: That Nazi kicked the other one in the head.  It clearly moved his green bathing cap. They’re still taking breaths before they go underwater…

Starkwell: So… much…nudity…

[...]

[Nazi zombie walks into house and gives a little girl his necklace.]

Lovelock: What the… ? What is this fucking movie!?!?!?!

Starkwell: Based on the story, acting and quantity of nudity, it is a porno.  Sadly, the lack of actual pornography in it just makes it a terrible movie.

[...]

[Zombies rise out of the water and attack the cops.]

Starkwell: Holy shit, one of them just adjusted their fake nose.

Lovelock: Are they attacking that cop or making out with his neck and face?

[...]

The zombies came out of the water and started tearing up the town.  By tearing up the town, of course, I mean gingerly pushing chairs over at the local watering hole.  I should mention that in this montage of zombie action (I use that term loosely) we see many more pairs of French breasts.  Starkwell definitely has one foot out the door.  The novelty of this film wore off of Lovelock about ten boobies ago.  Considering how they just rose from the water in those thick army jackets, “they all look remarkably dry”, noted Starkwell. The villagers form a posse to take out the Nazi zombies.

[...]

[Posse is formed.]

Starkwell: Is it just me, or is the posse made up entirely of old people, and winos, and pussies?

Lovelock: Well, it is France.

[...]

[The zombies are shown underwater in the lake.]

Starkwell: Apparently the lake has an underwater light on its concrete wall.

[Zombies rise from the water.]

Lovelock: Either that is the exact same shot as before, or that one zombie can’t seem to keep his nose on.

[...]

[Who the hell knows what is even happening anymore, but apparently necklace girl can save everyone with a bucket of blood.]

Lovelock: That blood looks like tomato soup.

Starkwell: This is the dumbest plan I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: But look!  It worked!

Starkwell: Unlike this movie, which doesn't.

[...]

Then there were some of the worst fire effects ever committed to film, and then it ended.  When the highlight of a zombie film is the early eighties eurosex/ nudity scenes, it is safe to say that you have a bad zombie film.  This is one of the worst movies that I have ever seen.  Case closed.  Well, actually, the soundtrack was pretty rad.