Zombie 5: Killing Birds.

“Zombie 5” was a film released in 1987, before “Zombi 3” and “Zombie 4”,  the two 'previous' films in the fabricated series of “Zombie” movies (which start with “Dawn of the Dead” somehow).  Obvioulsy at the time, they didn't KNOW it was the fifth installment yet.  How could they?  The third hadn't happened. If that isn’t already enough nonsense, this one involves birds.  It is safe to say that “Killing Birds” was not Robert Vaughn’s finest hour (and a half).  No doubt said hour (and a half) will feel quite a bit longer to the unprepared Starkwell and Lovelock, who are going into this expecting the wacky shenanigans of parts 3 and 4.  Man, are they ever in for a letdown.  How bad is this movie?  Joe D’Amato is an uncredited director.

[...]

[Some kind of Johnny Rambo returns from war only to find his woman in bed with a man, that he then kills.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never date soldiers’ wives.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s… wait what?

Lovelock: Or soldiers.

[He kills her next.  Then he kills the two neighbors.  He spares their baby.  But then the birds peck out his eyes.]

Lovelock: And that’s why I’m afraid of birds.

Starkwell: No one is forcing you to keep like a hundred falcons on your porch.

Lovelock: I’d like to see them try!

[Soldier Boy is treated at the hospital, and then given back the baby, which I guess is his baby now (???).]

Starkwell: How did he get to the hospital without any eyes?

Lovelock: I’m sure the ambulance came to get him…

Starkwell: They didn’t notice the four dead bodies, his bloody knife and clothes… they didn’t ask about the birds?

Lovelock: It’s probably not legal to have that many hawks and falcons in cages with those little hats.

Starkwell: Also, what kind of hospital just says “Here you go, guy with no more eyes and a bandage around your head who appears to be bloody, mute and homeless… take this tiny infant and be on your way.   Godspeed.  It is your baby right?” ???!?!?!?

Lovelock: The kind of hospital found in terrible movies.

[...]

They talked for a while about the different birds, and just how many holes in the plot this one scene had already created.  They decided that this might be the laziest, most irresponsible and incompetent writing they have ever come across.  They missed a whole mess of other garbage, including some of the worst acting anyone will ever see, while they compared it to other horrible movies.

[...]

[A mish-mash of eighties clichés and bad actors make up a group of bird watchers, journalists and photographers that will be going to watch birds… I guess at Blind Rambo’s house.]

Starkwell: No… I can’t do it.

[Starkwell leaves.]

Lovelock: I’m staying, but mostly for the music, and to see Robert Vaughn.

[Enter blind, mangled, Robert Vaughn.  He is a bird expert and two of the students interview him for his… knowledge… I think.]

Lovelock: Well, I’ve seen Robert Vaughn.  So what, they’re looking for a special bird… or?

[...]

Then there’s a bunch of bird footage and a dude fake-playing a harmonica.  The teens all smile at one another and have a great time filming what looks to Lovelock like “the same four birds over and over again”.

[...]

[They find an abandoned truck with a decomposing corpse in it.]

Lovelock: Aww… just a plain corpse… I guess it was too much to hope that there would be zombies in a movie called “Zombie 5”… somewhere in the first hour or so.

[...]

Running scared from the corpse, the teens come across an abandoned old house that they then decide to explore, seemingly unaffected by the fact they just saw a dead body.  It’s clearly the house where Robert Vaughn killed those people all of those years ago.  It takes them like ten minutes to explore the house, find nothing and have nothing happen.  Then randomly one of the teens starts FREAKING OUT and seeing zombies.

[...]

[Dude sees his girl crucified… but it was all in his imagination.]

Lovelock: He sure is scared of that blind guy.  Also, he sure is sweaty.  Also, I sure am bored.

[...]

Then one of the characters whipped out a gigantic late eighties laptop and Lovelock spent the next ten minutes talking about how far technology has come.  He almost ends up missing the first actual zombie attack.

[...]

[Blonde girl has her head smashed in.]

Lovelock: Hooray!  Good luck stopping the zombies with your big laptop and floppy disk!

[I honestly don’t know why he would say that.  This is one of those moments that would have left Starkwell bewildered.]

[...]

Nothing is ever explained.  At one point a dude spontaneously combusted and Lovelock laughed so hard that he threw up a little.  But that was really the highlight for him.  Well, that and the part where the girl’s head is sort of pulled off.  Pound for pound, this movie truly sucks.  As bad as you think it is, it’s worse.  Also, where did the baby go?

[...]

Lovelock: More like "Zombie 5: Killing the Series".

Erotic Nights of the Living Dead.

The year was 1980, and with every Italian director under the sun putting out their own zombie splatterfest, seasoned pornographer Joe D’Amato decided to take it up a notch with his “Sexy Nights of the Living Dead”, and include hardcore sex scenes in it.  As we all know, when most people think rotting flesh and cannibalism, they think EROTIC AND SEXY.  This one will be a challenge.

[...]

[Funky music plays while creepy guy wanders through asylum, following nurse.  He finds her banging a dude, and then starts furiously jerking off.]

Starkwell: I’m giving this movie five minutes before I walk.

Lovelock: Hey, at least they haven’t shown penis yet.

Starkwell: When the best part of a movie is that it hasn't shown me a penis, it's time for a new movie.

[...]

Then two floozies went into a shower with a dude and his floppy dong and once it was clear that D’Amato was going to focus a lot of screen time on this floppy ol' dong, Starkwell left and assured us that he would not return.  As he was leaving, a guy was eaten by a zombie.  I think Lovelock asked him to reconsider, but Starkwell said something along the lines of “I can’t do it… dude, I just can’t do it.”

[...]

Lovelock: They focus on the zombie for five seconds, but then we have look at this guy’s fucking taint for ten minutes?  Jesus, are those warts?  I’m gonna be sick.

[...]

Lovelock left to go vomit up the feta cheese he was eating, but he said he would be back.  I told him to take his time, since it looks like we are heading towards several more sexual interludes, at least one involving Moustachio McWarty Taint.  

[...]

Somewhere just past the thirty minute mark, Lovelock talked a little about how nothing at all was happening, and that so far the movie could have been edited down to about thirty seconds.  Then a girl popped a champagne bottle open with her vagina and he had to leave to throw up again. 

[...]

[Moustachio McWarty Taint tells girl that he wants to screw again, she says “Not again”.]

Lovelock: Shit, I know exactly how she feels.

[...]

There were frequent random shots of a cat, that seemed to be living in the Captain’s mind, and it really freaked him out.  Lovelock couldn’t resist the urge to say “They sure do show a lot of pussy in this movie.”  He said it right before a lesbian scene, which made it hit home that much harder.  Then the DVD started skipping, and Lovelock said if it stops, he’ll take it as a sign from above that he shouldn’t have to finish this awful film.

[...]

Lovelock: Forget “Sexy Nights of the Living Dead”… It should be called “Non-Sexy Nights of Moustachio McWarty Taint’s Dirty Balls”.  It’s been over an hour, we’ve only seen two zombies.  We've seen as many testicles as we have zombies.  I should never be able to say that about a movie.

[...]

At one point some things, let’s call them zombies, emerged from the jungle, and the Captain scared them off with a stone that looks like it came from a hotel gift shop.  With about twenty minutes left in the movie, we finally start seeing some zombies, also, an awesome CAT ATTACK!

[...]

[Zombie is stabbed, creamy brown liquid comes out.]

Lovelock: In Italy, zombies have café latte for blood.

[...]

[Moustachio’s dong is bitten off by evil spirit girl.]

Lovelock: Well, at least we won’t have to see it anymore.

[...]

Lovelock fell asleep during an INFINITY long sequence of people rising from graves and slowly walking after our characters.  He woke up screaming saying something like “THE BALLS ARE COMING.”  But then he realized the film was over and was overwhelmed with relief.  Half of the movie was basically a bad porno, half of it was a bad zombie movie.  Unfortunately for Lovelock, when you put those two halves together you get an awful fucking movie.  One of the worst ever.