Death Becomes Her.

Robert Zemeckis doesn’t really need an introduction.  Let’s face it… the guy did the “Back to the Future” movies.  This movie came after that trilogy (as well as after “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”).  The movie that followed "Death Becomes Her" was “Forrest Gump”.  While I hardly feel that this movie will show itself to be the missing link between Marty McFly in the wild west and ‘life is like a box of chocolates’, I hope it will, at the very least, be fun for Lovelock and Starkwell.  They don’t often get to watch movies starring Oscar winners and John McClane with a mustache.


[We are introduced to Meryl Streep as a hammy musical actor.  The film opens with a musical number from her failing musical.]

Lovelock: Wait, Glenn Close is in this movie?

Starkwell: Every damn time.


Anyways, no one in the audience seems to be impressed with the play, except for Bruce Willis, who, armed with an almost-mullet and horrible mustache, cheers wildly.  He plays nerdy plastic surgeon Ernest.  Most everyone else has walked out.  Ernest and his fiancée Helen, played by Goldie Hawn, go backstage to meet Madeline (Meryl Streep), the washed up actress.


[Eventually, Ernest leaves Helen and marries Madeline.]

Starkwell: Well that was… quick?

[Flash forward seven years.  Helen is a fat depressed cat lady with a shitload of cats, and she sits around watching TV and eating tubs of ice cream.]

Lovelock: I’m sorry, but Bruce Willis with a mustache is just not worth it.

[She is CLEARLY obsessed with murdering Madeline, and gets evicted from her apartment and committed to the ol' loony bin.]

Lovelock: What in the…

[Wait… Ernest is no longer a plastic surgeon… instead he is a mortician?]


Then it flashes forward to yet another seven years later.  Fourteen years and no one has aged AT ALL.  It appears that Ernest and Madeline are no longer happy.  Surprise surprise.  Madeline goes to some kind of super secret spa where the clinicians (?) dress like porn stars and talk like bad actors trying to sound like French people... German people? … Not sure.  Anyways, Helen has lost the weight and has invited Ermest and Madeline to her book launch party.


[Madeline sees Helen, looking all thin and beautiful, and says it has been “12 long years”… except that we know it has been 14.  Which is weird.]

Lovelock: Some Oscar winner… she can’t count?


After being rejected by her young loverboy (I assume she cheats on Ernest a lot), Madeline goes to the super secret castle / laboratory that the eurotrash secret spa owner told her about (?).  Meanwhile Helen goes over to Ernest’s house to almost bang him and plan Madeline’s murder with him.


Lovelock: I would like it if death become her a little quicker.

Starkwell: Nice.

Lovelock: In fact, let's have some death all around.  Please. Now.

[Ernest forgoes the plan laid out with Helen, but instead, throws Madeline down the stairs.]

Lovelock: SWEET. 

[Madeline gets up, all mangled like a pretzel, with her head backwards.]

Lovelock: That, surprisingly, looked fucking amazing.


They go to the doctor’s office, and it is quite apparent that Madeline is dead, as she feels no pain.  But since she is walking around, she is UNDEAD.  Lovelock and Starkwell rejoice.


[Dressed like the world’s lamest cat burglar, Helen follows Ernest around.]

Lovelock: Why is she wearing sunglasses at night?

Starkwell: Who knows.

Lovelock: She probably thinks "if I can't see them, they can't see me"... like an infant would think.


Eventually Helen finds her way back to Ernest’s house and Madeline shoots her with a shotgun, but she ALSO GETS UP.  In what is probably the best line in the movie, Bruce Willis yells out “IT’S ANOTHER MIRACLE.”  It doesn’t sound that funny out of context, but Lovelock and Starkwell replayed it several times.   The movie has been quite boring, I should add.


[Helen took the same potion, as it turns out.]

Starkwell: So… they both knew about the super secret castle thing?

Lovelock: Well, it is a movie.


[Madeline and Helen fight for like a minute, but then they make up and are best friends forever.]

Lovelock: So that’s it?

[They force Ernest to make them look beautiful again.]

Starkwell: Might be the lamest zombies ever.

[They bring Ernest to the super castle where they try to give him the potion… he decides not to.]

Lovelock: Dude, why not!?!?!

Starkwell: Watching everyone you love die, eternal loneliness… he makes some solid points.

Lovelock: Whatever dude, I’d totally be Wolverine.

Starkwell: How’s that work?


Starkwell: Let me stop you right there.


37 years later, Ernest died.  He went on to do a whole bunch of amazing things and then the movie basically says the only way to live forever is to live on in the people that you love.  Ain't that sweet?  Then Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn show up, fall down a flight of stairs and shatter into a bunch of pieces. So… lesson learned?  There are a lot of holes in this movie.  They cover up most of them by 'flashing forward' a number of years.  You don't need to explain HOW Madeline found success again, you can just say 'seven years later' and let the audience make up the rest?  What is this, a 'choose your own' adventure book?  Lazy.  As a short film, this movie would have worked.  There just ain't enough meat in there for a full length, in my opinion.  Starkwell agrees.   Lovelock doesn't care.


The Boneyard.

Right off the bat, the DVD looks cheap.  The menu is atrociously grainy looking, which only tends to make us all believe that the movie will look like shit.  Already, from what I have read, this film is a mixed bag of insanity, so a cheap copy should only help make it all the more insane.  The film starts off with some seriously aggressive music, complete with horns that wouldn’t sound out of place during a Clouseau – Kato fight scene.


[Old dude in a hat investigates a house… silently?]

Starkwell: Not everyone can pull off a bucket hat.

Lovelock: And?

Starkwell: This old dude is ultimately not pulling it off.

Lovelock: He is dressed exactly like Clouseau.  The problem is, he ain’t funny.

[Old Detective has a partner, Young Cool Guy.]


[Young Cool Guy snoops around a room, and then a creepy chunky woman attacks him, with a pillow?]

Lovelock: Only in movies do pillow fights result in so many feathers.


Then there was a scene where the chunky lady, that the Young Cop calls ‘the witch’, asks the cops to leave her house and then glances directly at the camera, as if to say “did I do ok mister director?”.  And it was GLORIOUS.  And Lovelock and Starkwell laughed for about a year.  Apparently the Witch is a psychic that the cops sometimes use to help with their unsolved cases.  I should mention that the Witch is one of the worst actors I’ve ever seen.  But in that really AMAZING way.


Lovelock: This is CLEARLY where “The Medium” got most of its ideas.


[The Witch has a nightmare about a zombie kid giving her a hug.  It goes on forever.]

Starkwell: This is going to be one dragged out movie.

Lovelock: Why is she letting that thing hug her?  I’d be like “Ew gross get it off”.

Starkwell: I love that the zombie kid hug dream was enough to get her to help the cops with their case.


As bad as she is, the Witch is starting to grow on Lovelock and Starkwell.  Her acting is terrible, but still, she looks like she is trying SOOOO hard.  That level of failure is phenomenally fun to watch.  The case she is helping with involves some dead children and a Chinese Mortician, who is apparently behind it all… So what do they need her for?


[They go to the coroner’s office with Witch and meet Miss Poopinplatz.  Yeah.  That’s her name.]

Lovelock: What’s the point of the Young Cop?  He hasn’t had a line yet.

Starkwell: Poopinplatz?!!?


It’s such a fucking slow moving film.  Holy balls.  But then Witch holds a lock of hair from one of the dead kids and the vision that she has is nothing short of spectacular.  It involves superracist Chinese Medicine Man and MORE zombie kids.


[Turns out the zombie kids were real, and in the coroner’s office.]

Lovelock: Now we’re talking!

Starkwell: To be honest, the zombie kids look pretty gross.

[Witch tries to go and warn them about the ZOMBIE KIDS ON THE LOOSE.]

Starkwell:  You got to hand it to a movie for going with “overweight tomboy uggo” as their lead female heroine character.

Lovelock: I see where “Push a Novel by Something Something” got its idea from.

Starkwell: Wait, what?


Witch finds the zombie kids eating a bunch of corpses.  The effects are actually pretty awesome, and sort of scary.  Meanwhile, there is a girl who was dead after killing herself in the bathtub, and about to have her autopsy done by the coroner, who suddenly comes back to life?  No explanation.  Seems like a lazy way to get a better looking love interest for the Young Cop.


[Zombie kid runs through the air vent over her head and then taunts Witch with a doll.]

Lovelock: Just fuckin’ chop them up with the axe!

Starkwell: How are they making that noise?  It sounds like radio feedback.


Once this initial wave is over, it takes a while for anything else to happen again.  I should mention that we are about to hit the one hour mark.  It just seems like a shame to have such rad looking zombie kids and not utilize them more.


[Poopinplatz vs. zombie.  Poopinplatz dumps acid on zombie.]

Starkwell: Hold on… Poopinplatz won?!??!

[Melting zombie pops back up and smears ooze all over Poopinplatz IN THE FACE.]

Lovelock: Not so fast Poopinplatz.

Starkwell: They keep bitching bout the elevator, can’t they just take the stairs?

Lovelock: Dude, Fatty McWitch don’t exactly look like someone who “takes the stairs”.

[Meanwhile, Poopinplatz has been vomiting endlessly into a sink.]


Then Poopinplatz turns into a HUGE rubber monster and kills the one random black dude that just showed up and the coroner.  She eventually is electrocuted to death.


Lovelock: The movie should have just been called Poopinplatz.  And Poopinplatz should have been more prominent all throughout.  Less Fatty McWitch, more POOPINPLATZ!


At this point everyone is dead except the two cops, the Witch and the random Suicide Girl.  But then, Poopinplatz’ poodle, who was running around the coroner’s office, ate sone melted zombie guts and has turned into a super demon, just like Poopinplatz.



Starkwell: This movie is bananas.


The Poopinplatz Poodle demon is really just a dude in a demon poodle suit.  Kind of like a gorilla suit but so much more.  Witch ends up one on one with the poodle and blows it up with a pipe bomb that just happened to be lying around the coroner’s office.  The fucker blows up like the DEATH STAR.  And the whole building collapse.  And yet, somehow, they all managed to be out of the building and at a safe distance.  Then the movie ends.  No explanations about ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED.  No explanation about why the girl suddenly CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD.  It just ends with Young Cop and Suicide Girl and Witch and Old Detective hugging and laughing.  Completely fucking insane.


Cemetery Man.

Also known as “Dellamorte Dellamore”, this artfully crafted Italian picture stars Rupert Everett in the role of “Francesco Dellamorte”, or as he is known by most, the role of “lucky guy who gets to be with the disturbingly hot woman, repeatedly”.  The movie is surreal, weird, funny, shocking and all around fun.  But I’d be lying if I said that I one hundred percent understood the whole thing.  Either something got lost in translation or… I don’t know.  But I’m anxious to see the reaction it will get from Starkwell and Lovelock.


[Francesco answers his door dressed only in a towel, it is a zombie at the door, he blows the zombie’s brains out.]

Lovelock: Quite literally starting with a bang.

Starkwell:  Excellent effects too.


Seems Francesco is used to the dead coming out of their graves, and often has to re-kill the dead and then re-bury them.  It’s a dirty job, but I guess someone has to do it.  Thankfully for us it is the AWESOME Francesco.  And we get to watch.  While burying one zombie, another zombie comes at Francesco and his sidekick Gnaghi, and Francesco drives a shovel through its skull.  Lovelock looks like a kid in a candy store who just started eating all of the candy.


[Francesco sees a woman, played by Anna Falchi, at a funeral and seems, well, SMITTEN.]

Lovelock: I don’t blame him for staring, HOLY COW.

Starkwell: Easy boy.

Lovelock: Wonderful gore and violence, and now, wonderful… NUDITY.

[I should mention that she comes back to visit her husband’s grave two days in a row, and Francesco somehow ends up boning her on the second visit.]

Starkwell: So… insult a woman, tell her you’re glad her husband is dead, wait one day for her to come back, take her inside a tomb full of skeletons where her dress will get torn off, somehow, follow a puff of blue smoke to the CRYING woman, then… BONE HER IN THE MOONLIGHT?

Lovelock: I should try that.  Is there a place where extremely hot and loose widows hang out?

Starkwell: Well, you’ve outdone yourself with that sentence.

Lovelock: I guess first I should move to Italy and then find me some grabby skeletons willing to do some of my dirty work.

Starkwell: And there it is… you’ve topped yourself once more.


It’s a fairly lengthy sex scene, full of Rupert Everett ass, Anna Falchi breasts, and shots of Gnaghi watching them do it while eating spaghetti.  They are eventually interrupted by the woman’s zombie husband rising out of his grave and biting her.  And then she dies.


[She comes back from the dead, and he immediately shoots her in the head.]

Lovelock: A weaker man would’ve probably tried to get one last ride out of her.

Starkwell: Dude…

Lovelock: I would be that weaker man.


Then for some reason Francesco and Gnaghi are out for lunch in the city with the mayor and Gnaghi vomits on the mayor's daughter.  Starkwell and Lovelock are confused and a bit disturbed.


[The girl he vomited on dies in a motorcycle crash and ends up at the cemetery.]

Starkwell: Wait… her head EXPLODED when it was RUN OVER BY A TRUCK… how is it that now she has a head again?

[Gnaghi is excited for her to re-animate.]

Lovelock: Not cool Gnaghi.  Not fucking cool.

[The crash also involved a school bus full of boy scouts, so obviously, Francesco and Gnaghi are gonna have their hands full tonight.]

Lovelock: POTENTIAL!!!!!!!


Francesco bashes in a zombie nun’s head with a pot after killing a bunch of zombie scouts.  Then he accidentally shoots Gnaghi’s television!  Uh oh spaghetti-oh!


[Zombie Biker Dude Claudio explodes out of his grave RIDING his motorcycle.]

Starkwell: Shockingly, that is not the first time we’ve seen a zombie explode from their grave riding a motorcycle.

Lovelock: Yeah, but that one looked THE BEST EVER!

[Sorry, "Psychomania", but you've been outdone.]


Francesco said “The living dead or the dying living is all the same” and I think Starkwell’s mind blew out of the back of his head.  Lovelock was just happy about th increasingly impressive kill count.


[Gnaghi rips off the Mayor’s Daughter’s head and begins a love affair with it.]

Starkwell: Wait, how is the head following him around? … not like it has legs…

Lovelock: Next I suppose you will ask how a severed head can speak?

Starkwell: Good point… how-


[Then Starkwell promptly slapped Lovelock in the face.]


Dellamorte sees zombie Anna Falchi, starts making out with her, but then she bites him.  This means that when Francesco shot her in the head “immediately” she was STILL ALIVE... ?  He feels pretty bad about, as one probably would.  Then he sees Death who tells him to start killing people, and it starts to get really weird, because he starts doing it…


[Francesco drives into town and drive-by shoots seven people in the city.]

Starkwell: Wait… why did he need to make that deal with Death?

Lovelock: Don’t know, don’t care.


The mayor ends up dying (twice) and the new mayor comes to visit Francesco.  The new mayor has an assistant… and it’s… Anna Falchi.  She comes back later that night, and they are about to bone… but then she says she wants to be with an impotent man… so the next day, he goes to get castrated STAT.  The doctor then injects his testicle (apparently he only has one) with some HUGE syringe full of something and… yeah I don’t fucking know.  But it made Lovelock vomit.


[The next day, the woman comes back and tells him “I CHANGED MY MIND I DON’T WANNA BE WITH YOU.]

Lovelock: Wait what?

Starkwell: I'd see if I could go get my testicle back.

[Depressed he goes out drinking and picks up two hitchhikers.  One of them is Anna Falchi.]

Starkwell: Guh?

[They go upstairs and bone lots.]

Lovelock: Honestly, the whole ‘having to kill the zombies thing’ would be totally worth it if I could see that girl at every turn.  And manage to bone her all the time.

[This version of Anna Falchi is a prostitute, and they charge him for the sex so he BURNS DOWN THEIR house.]

Starkwell: Ummm…

Lovelock: I withdraw my previous statement.


Now the movie REALLY starts being confusing, as Francesco goes around killing more and more innocent people for no reason.  Francesco decides to hit the road and get out of Dodge with Gnaghi.


Lovelock: ROAD TRIP!

[They go through a tunnel and arrive at the edge of the world?]

Lovelock: Wait, did he say the rest of the world doesn’t exist?

[Gnaghi keels over and dies.]

Starkwell: Wait… is he in Hell or purgatory or… ?

Lovelock: You lost me.


Then it starts snowing.  The shot moves slowly out and then… they are in a snow globe?  Yeah, I have no fucking idea what the Hell went on in this bitch.  This movie is completely insane.  And yet, we all had fun.


Apocalypse of the Dead.

Also known as “Zone of the Dead”, I don’t know a Hell of a lot about this movie, other than the fact that it was made a few years ago and manages to star “Dawn of the Dead” ass kicker Ken Foree.  That’s got to mean something.  Either the movie is good, or Ken Foree needed to eat.  It is a Serbian film… so there’s that that already sets it apart from the pack, at least a little.


Lovelock: Why was Ken Foree in Serbia?

Starkwell: Alright, this one looks REALLY cheap.

Lovelock: The film stock looks like the same as those CBC Original shows used in the eighties.

Starkwell: I’m not letting you work in another "Littlest Hobo" reference.

Lovelock: I was actually thinking "Kids In the Hall".

Starkwell: I actually find it has the quality of those Mexican soap operas.


Some of the actors have been overdubbed, others not.  With the exception of a couple of main characters EVERYONE has a thick accent.


Starkwell: Why would two Serbians speak to each other in English?


Then a bunch of soldiers are monkeying around with their pistols, as people do, and shoot a hole in the HUGE freight train parked next to them carrying some kind of nerve gas, that I assume is about to make everyone go all zombie.  This just might be one of the dumbest causes for an outbreak ever.  On the bright side, the running and rabid style zombies don’t look half bad.


[Ken Foree and some other agents are to escort a criminal dude to somewhere.]

Lovelock: ESCORT MISSION??!?!?!  If this were a video game, I would shut it off now.


There’s a whole evil military thing starting to play out, it’s all pretty cookie cutter.  The escort mission has officially gone awry, and they are now smack dab in the midst of a real zombie apocalypse.  A zone of the dead, if you will.  An apocalypse of the dead.  Then there was a really fucking amazing car stunt and Lovelock FLIPPED OUT.  Then they find a few survivors who are, obviously, scantily clad girls with huge cans.   There’s some kind of super soldier dude who is out there alone killing zombies.  He’s unstoppable, it seems.  Also… Great gore.


[One of the main old dudes has been bitten and his wound looks disgusting.]

Starkwell:  GROSS.

[Ken Foree and Infected Hand Wound Old Man have a heart to heart.]

Lovelock: This is just lke that movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman… you know the one about the shit list?

Starkwell: “Bucket List”?

Lovelock: More like bucket of shit.  That movie needed a zombie outbreak.


[They find a severed head that still wiggles!]

Lovelock: Wait did that guy say it was from Chernobyl?

[Old Man turns, Main Girl shoots his brain.]

Lovelock: It’s about FUCKING TIME.


Something they just noticed is that the characters don’t really have names.  PROFESSOR and PRISONER and etc.


[Ken Foree says “It’s dawn” when they step outside.]

Lovelock: Oh I GET IT.

Starkwell: Bravo.


[Ken Foree is surrounded by zombies… but these ones don’t run… all of a sudden…]

Starkwell: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again… CONSISTENCY is important.


The movie drags a little, but it is pretty action packed.  At the ninety minute mark there is an all out war between the surviving main characters and a huge group of zombies.  There is head splitting, gunplay, and Ken Foree saying cheesy one liners.  What more do you need?  Well, story, I suppose.


[Prisoner runs off into the sunset alone.  And it’s like it was set up for a sequel.]

Lovelock: I kind of wish there was a sequel.  I’d watch it.

Starkwell: Strangely enough, I think I would too…


Good?  Kind of, I guess.  Miles better than anything the Asylum puts out?  Absolutely.  By all rights, Lovelock and Starkwell should have hated this movie, but they didn’t.  They even, dare I say, had fun.  An unexpected delight.


Wild Zero.

Guitar Wolf’s album “Jet Generation” might have, at the time, been the loudest record ever.  Not necessarily the HEAVIEST, that’s not what I mean.  I mean LOUDEST.  If Spinal Tap put their amps to eleven, I’d say Guitar Wolf plays at twenty-seven.  Thousand.  So it is fitting that this movie is as amped up as it is.  It’s a relatively non-stop rock’n’roll thrill ride, full of laughs, gore and, of course, WEIRD JAPANESE DUDES.  Also rock.  You’re welcome, Lovelock and Starkwell.  After a shot of really bad looking UFOs are seen swarming the Earth, a radio DJ warns people not to touch any meteorites that fall to the Earth, then we see main character ACE.


[Ace greases his hair, puts on his leather coat and heads out to a rock show.  The rock show.  GUITAR FUCKING WOLF.]

Starkwell: Wait, is he shooting electricity from his guitar?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but he definitely just said “lock and loll”.

Starkwell: That's probably racist.

Lovelock: I don't know about that, but I will say that these dudes lock hard.


Then we are introduced to the evil sleazy club owner, who, for whatever reason, dresses in hot pants.  All the time.  Ace walks into the middle of an argument Guitar Wolf is having with the club owner, at which point Ace witnesses Guitar Wolf explode a guy’s head with his magnum.


[Guitar Wolf gives Ace a whistle (a wolf call) to use if ever he needs help.  Oh also, they are now ROCK AND ROLL BLOOD BROTHERS.]

Lovelock: I would give my left nut for that whistle.

Starkwell: Well that’s a strange thing to say.


At this point, at a gas station, we are introduced to the androgynous Tobio, as well as a trio of weary travelers who are clearly going to be the comic relief of this whole thing.  Then we meet a group of evil yakuza looking to do an arms deal… it is a lot of characters to expect Lovelock to keep up with.  Ace, at this point meets Tobio and it is love at first sight.  Unfortunately for them, this is also where they first meet zombies.


Lovelock: Ace is number one man.

Starkwell: Why do all of the turn of the century Japanese zombie movies have blue zombies?


[Ace decides to go back to the gas station and save Tobio from zombies, after he has a vision of Guitar Wolf riding on a motorcycle screaming “ROCK AND ROLL”.]

Lovelock: I think if I had that vision, I’d be able to conquer the world.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Well, I could, at the very least conquer this bout of constipation I’ve been dealing with.

Starkwell: That's a very different brand of "rock 'n roll".

Lovelock: More like "rock in BOWL".  Get it?

Starkwell: No. Stop. Forever.


On the plus side, at least half of the characters that we were introduced to are already dead.  Comic relief trio is down to a duo.  There are only two yakuza people left, and I think they work for the club owner, but I'm not sure… also on the plus side, Tobio and Ace are safe.  So there is this one random mercenary type woman still running around... really, who cares?   Because Guitar Wolf is LIGHTING up the fucking stage as we speak.


Lovelock: I need to get me one of those flaming microphones.


Tobio and Ace are bunkered down somewhere and they share a moment.  So Tobio strips and reveals that she’s a dude.  Ace freaks out and runs away.  But then he has a Guitar Wolf vision.


[Guitar Wolf tells him to "DO IT".]

Lovelock: Way to go Guitar Wolf.  Love should have no boundaries.

[Ace loses track of Tobio and blows his Guitar Wolf whistle in a moment of despair.]

Lovelock: My left nut.

[On their way to find Ace, Guitar Wolf pick up the comic relief couple.]

Starkwell: Wait, so they were able to hear the whistle but can’t figure out where he is?  You might want a left nut refund.


Anyways, then they meet up with mercenary girl and fight zombies with magic electricity guitar picks and Lovelock does a back flip, a jump kick, and then high fives himself.  There’s a scene where Guitar Wolf has a huge fucking gun in his hand, guitar slung over his back, and samurai sword in his remaining hand.  Then he blows a zombie’s head off while Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf chill out behind him combing their hair.  I thought Lovelock was going to die of happiness.


[Guitar Wolf finds Ace, and tells him he no longer needs the whistle.]

Lovelock: Shit, can I have it then?


[Guitar Wolf jumps out of an exploding building screaming “rock and roll” and strumming his guitar ALL AT THE SAME TIME IN MID AIR.]

Lovelock: That just happened.  That just FUCKING HAPPENED.

[After landing, he tunes his low E.]

Starkwell: Solid joke, actually.


[Evil Club Owner shoots  laser beams out of his eyes, and then is blown up with a rocket launcher.  There was some hair greasing/combing mixed in.]

Lovelock: When did Drum Wolf and Bass Wolf have time to put Christmas lights on the hood of their car?

Starkwell: I’m trying to figure out how Guitar Wolf got up to the roof so quickly.

Lovelock: Also... lightning eyes?

[Guitar Wolf pulls a sword OUT OF HIS GUITAR and cuts the Mother Ship UFO in half and essentially saves Japan, and maybe even the world.]

Lovelock:  Man, now I can’t decide if I’d rather have the wolf pack whistle or the guitar sword.

Starkwell: Why did he need the samurai sword earlier if his guitar WAS a sword?  Also wouldn't he have to detach the strings to pull the neck off like that?

Lovelock: Asking questions like that is like asking why pepperoni sticks are delicious.

Starkwell: It most certainly is not like that.


The effects are pretty bad.  The story is schizophrenic and choppy.  There are plenty of useless scenes and useless characters.  Hell, there are even shots that are clearly just put in because Guitar Wolf looks cool.  The music, other than Guitar Wolf’s songs, isn’t particularly very good either.  But none of that really matters, since somehow, the whole thing kind of works anyways and is as fun as Hell.  There are no boundaries in Rock and Roll.


Return of the Living Dead III.

First, Brian Yuzna went and made a mediocre, sort of sequel, to “Re-Animator” (and eventually a pretty terrible next sequel... "Beyond..." YUCK), then he went on to make the fourth installment of the “Silent Night, Deadly Night” films.  I didn’t even know that there was more than one.  So, at that point, with his experience in making sequels to films that were not his, he takes the already sinking “Return of the Living Dead” franchise and attempts to breathe some new life into it, an bring it back to the surface.  The results were, well, you’ll see.  Or hear.  You’ll hear.  Or no, actually, it’s read.  You’ll read.  I guess that is still just seeing.  You’ll see.


[Military types discuss their experiments on the zombies while walking around some top secret area.]

Starkwell: Do they really need to label a door inside a super secret military lab as restricted personnel only?

Lovelock:  Right, like suddenly the super spy breaking is gonna turn around and think “oh wait, I’m not authorized”.


Geeky dude Curt picks up his rebel girlfriend Julie and they have decided to sneak into the military base and check out the experiments.  Turns out golden boy Curt is some kind of colonel’s son, and he managed to STEAL HIS DAD’s top secret ID, and they get onto the base and go sneaking around.


Lovelock: So much for needing to be a super spy to break in...


Lovelock: It TOTALLY makes sense that a base doing experiments on zombies would have no cameras or security guards anywhere ever… NOT.

Starkwell: That needs to be the only time you ever do that.

[One security guard walks by and says “commencing rounds”.]

Starkwell: Well there is the one guard… although he looks fresh off the set of “Revenge of the Nerds”.

Lovelock: More like “Revenge of the Nerds PART THREE”.

Starkwell: Sure.  If that makes it better for you.


Anyways, Kurt and Julie see them revive a dude and then the zombie starts eating one of the military scientists.  As usual with Yuzna, the gore looks good and there is PLENTY to go 'round.  So of course, the two teens get freaked out, flee the scene, head back to Curt's bedroom and have passionate sex.  Immediately.  The music is horrible.  Like elevator music.  But like, porn elevator music.


[Curt’s dad tells him they are moving away, so Curt storms off with Julie and they ride away on his motorcycle, planning to run away.]

Lovelock: Wait, he has an 'L7' poster on his wall?

Starkwell: They really should be wearing helmets.

[Julie, turned on by the fact that they just decided to run away, rubs his wiener while he is driving.  They swerve due to an oncoming eighteen wheeler (and the wiener rubbage distraction) and crash.  Julie flies into a telephone pole and dies.]

Lovelock: Where exactly were they going?

Starkwell: I don't know, but they didn’t make it.

Lovelock: That’s why I never let a girl fondle my junk while I’m driving at high speed on a motorcycle without a helmet, at night.

Starkwell: Pretty specific situation.

[He rides with her dead on the back of his bike, limp, to the base, in the hopes of reviving her.]

Lovelock: This is the point in the movie where it really can go in a lot of directions.  “Weekend at Bernies”… “Deadgirl”… something else…


So Curt manages to sneak a dead Julie into the top secret lab, finds the room with the Trioxin, figures out what to do with it, puts on a HASMAT suit, and brings her back to life.  He’s pretty clever for such a dumb fucking loser asshole.


Lovelock: Can’t really blame him for wanting to bring her back.  Those were some real hooters.

Starkwell: Classy.


In the process of reviving her, he lets loose a TARMAN, who in turn, starts an outbreak by chewing on what little amount of security guards are actually on this secret base that everyone knows about.  Julie and Curt escape the base and go driving around the city looking for food, because Julie is way hungry.


[Julie bites a chunk out of a gang banger’s arm, and then she gets all sexy (?) about it.]

Lovelock: At this point, hooters or not, I think I’d be all set to send her back.

[After witnessing a shop owner get shot by one of said gang bangers, they drive off with him in the back of their van.  The shop owner dies, Julie eats his brains.]

Starkwell: Wait… how did they lose the cops that were chasing them?

[They then escape into the sewers.]

Lovelock: I kind of wish the Ninja Turtles would show up and just kill Curt and Julie.

Starkwell: I’d settle for a CHUD.

Lovelock: Original CHUDs, not sequel CHUDs.

Starkwell: Well, obviously.

Lovelock: Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines.

Starkwell: Huh?

Lovelock: Raphael is cool but rude.

Starkwell: Give me a break.


At this point Julie starts realizing that pain helps with the hunger… doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but whatever.  So now she starts like sticking needles in her arms and boobs and stuff.


Lovelock: Michaelangelo is a party dude.

[Julie jumps off a bridge and Curt finds her washed up on the shore downstream on a pile of garbage… even though the water is ankle deep.]


Starkwell: Undead or not, she would have exploded when she hit the pavement, and she certainly wouldn’t have "washed up” anywhere.

[The gang bangers finds them under the bridge (?)]

Starkwell: Police, Military…. Everyone looking for them… but who finds them, immediately?  The gang of thugs that didn’t even see where they drove off to in the first place found them NO PROBLEM.


Luckily Curt takes off back into the sewers with an upset still undead Julie and a crazy homeless man  they just met, who takes them back to his secret sewer hideout.  Apparently “YOU CAN CALL ME RIVER MAN”.  He really fucking said that.


[River Man gives him a ‘mardi gras coin’ and says, “someday you do something nice and give them the coin and the coin keeps circulating”.]

Lovelock: So THAT’s where “Pay It Forward” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Wait, what?


Julie keeps on stabbing herself with needles and glass shards, and Curt and Julie take a break in River Man’s lair to have sex.  Obviously.  Gang bangers catch up to them and start attacking, but then, OUT OF THE SHADOWS, comes Julie with all sorts of nipple rings and blades sticking out of her, and for some reason, she’s making slithery snake noises.


[Head Gang Member, Santos, decides he wants to have sex with Julie (?)]

Starkwell: Why is no one freaked out by the fact that there are shards of glass LITERALLY emerging from her tits?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but this shit got real lame real fast.

[Julie rips off Santos’ head and then kills the other gang dudes.]

Lovelock: Much less lame now.

[Gang members start popping back up as zombies and eating each other.]

Lovelock: Super sweet.  Although, I will say, the whole reason he brought her back was CLEARLY her boobs, and now she totally ruined them.

Starkwell: Glad your priorities are in order.


[River Man and Curt fight off the Gang zombies and try to escape the sewers alive.  Julie eats River Man’s brain.]

Lovelock: So much for paying it forward.

Starkwell: Curt should use that coin to kill himself.  THAT would be paying it forward.


Curt’s dad saves Curt and saves the day and then they hug.  Julie is now just SPECIMEN 32, naked in a cage.  And it looks like they are trying to turn River Man into Robocop.  But then Curt’s like “no way Jose” and tries to spring Julie free, which leads to everyone in the lab dying.


Lovelock: They could’ve just put some clothes on her and all of this would have been avoided.  But obviously when Curt saw them boobies…

[Apparently, Curt is able to command River Man because he has the Mardi Gras Coin.]

Starkwell: Seriously, fuck Curt.


Then Julie and Curt hold hands and walk into an open cremation thingy which makes no sense because they don’t even seem like it hurts AT ALL.  Apparently walking directly into an oven feels just whatever, and it’s comfortable enough to make out with tongue.  In a way it's a step up from part two, but it's still nowhere near the original.