Revolt of the Zombies.

Victor Halperin followed up his classic and infamous and masterpiece “White Zombie” with this somewhat lackluster Lugosi-less cookie-cutter formulaic zombie snoozer.  Or at least, that’s what everyone seems to be saying about it.  Because Starkwell and Lovelock are always determined to make up their own minds, we find ourselves dipping back into one of those cruddy 50-in-1 movie packs to watch what certainly promises to be a piss poor print of a movie that probably didn’t look all that sharp to begin with.

[...]

[During World War I, apparently some crazy shit went down.]

Starkwell: I love how they kind of downplay war by making it sound like it’s just a series of strange events.

Lovelock: The general laughs a lot, considering that it is in fact war time.

[...]

Then there was a pretty sweet shot of “ORIENTAL” soldier zombies that charged a bunker, got shot repeatedly but wouldn’t die.  It was enough for Lovelock and Starkwell to agree to “give this one a shot” and look past the “super racism”.

[...]

[Generals travel to Angkor.]

Starkwell: Three actors walk in front of a painting led by a “native”… and PRESTO, we’ve established that they have arrived in Angkor.

Lovelock: Correction: a BAD painting.

[...]

Lovelock: They’re certainly getting a lot of use out of that bad painting.

[...]

Somehow they are managing to work a LOVE TRIANGLE sub-plot into a story about generals and archaeologists traveling to a mystical Oriental land during world wartime to discover the secret of the robotic zombie army.  Then they all end up wining and dining in 007 style tuxedoes at a wedding.

[...]

Starkwell: What does a wedding have to do with zombie armies in Angkor?

Lovelock: What does God want with a spaceship?

Starkwell: Right.  Something like that.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell are starting to think that this movie shot its zombie load way too early, with that cool zombie soldier scene in the first five minutes.  Since then, it has been a hodgepodge of messy and useless dialogue.

[...]

Lovelock: Is this “Revolt of the Zombies” or “Wedding Reception in Angkor”?

Starkwell: Can’t it be both?

Lovelock: It most certainly CAN'T.

[...]

[Archaeologist Dude Grumpyface explores a temple under the temple to find zombies.]

Lovelock: Totally where “Temple of Doom” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Hashtag Lovelock Fail.

[...]

Anyways, the Black Magic General shares some zombie secrets with Archaeology Guy, but then Archaeology Guy kills him and starts controlling all of the other Generals, and apparently entire armies of soldiers, with his brain.

[...]

Starkwell: It feels like there are missing scenes.

Lovelock: Thank God for that!  I couldn’t imagine how long this thing would be if they tried to explain everything.

[...]

Anyways, apparently World War I was just a side story.  The War was just a tool for Zombie Master to use to marry the girl he couldn’t have.  In the end, the girl asks him to give up his power, and she’d consider trying to love him.  So he does and his former zombie slaves rise up and kill him.  Then the film just ends.  I’m starting to think that she never intended on loving him at all.

White Zombie.

Although Romero’s “Night” laid the foundation of the modern day flesh eating zombie, it’s always important to know that the zombie genre as alive and well long before that.  Most agree that the zombie film started with the Bela Lugosi starring 1932 moving picture “White Zombie”.  While I know Starkwell will immediately appreciate the film for its significance, Lovelock will be a harder sell.  Hopefully Lugosi hits a homerun here.  Starkwell and Lovelock will be watching the Roan Group Archival Entertainment version.

[...]

[We meet Lugosi, we see zombies.]

Lovelock: What’s with the floating eyes?

Starkwell: They’re being watched?

Lovelock: I kind of feel like I’m being watched.  I’m freaking out already.

[...]

[Mr. Beaumont is a little touchy feely with the lady.]

Starkwell: Geez… could he make it any more obvious?

Lovelock: Lesson number one, never go to Haiti to get married at a creepy rich guy’s place, when he clearly wants to steal your bride away from you.

[...]

Why it’s the classic “witch doctor uses dead people to create an army of zombie slaves”… Starkwell and Lovelock are both enchanted by the wonderfully eerie look and feel of the zombies.

[...]

[Lugosi gives Beaumont poison so he can kill Madeline, and, I assume, turn her into a zombie.]

Starkwell: Seriously why would she have come here to get married?

[Madeline sees death in her wine glass, aka LUGOSI and his creepy fucking eyes.]

Starkwell: If I looked into a wine glass and saw that, I’d probably try and return the wine.

Lovelock: I’d go buy some more.

[She drops dead.]

Lovelock: Scratch that.  The hallucinations seem cool, but the death thing is kind of a bitter oaky aftertaste.

[...]

[Neil visits Madeline’s grave, she’s gone.]

Lovelock: Best scream ever.

[...]

[They show Beaumont’s castle on the cliff.]

Lovelock: Why are they showing a still shot of a painting?

Starkwell: Dude, this is eighty years old.  That’s supposed to be Beaumont’s castle.

Lovelock: It looks as lifeless as Madeline's eyes.

Starkwell: Snap.

Lovelock: Still... it's kind of scaring the BAJESUS out of me.

[...]

[Beaumont realizes that zombie Madeline just isn’t as charming as the live version.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never kill women and turn them into sex zombies.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.  Wait… dude, I hope to hell that’s not the only thing stopping you…

[...]

[Zombies throw dude into water.]

Lovelock: FUCK!  It looks like they really drown that actor.

Starkwell: I'm pretty sure that's how the mob used to get rid of dude's back then.

[...]

[Drunken Neil journeys up to the castle.]

Lovelock: Where did the priest go?

Starkwell: Probably went home.  That’s what I would have done in his position.

[Doors open automatically for zombie Madeline.]

Lovelock: Are we supposed to believe that zombies can open doors with their minds?  Or Beaumont was so rich that he had automatic doors in the thirties?

Starkwell: So you can accept the living dead but not automatic doors?

Lovelock: You gotta draw the line somewhere, man.

[...]

The priest ninjas in and clubs Lugosi over the head, just in time to save Neil and somehow force the zombies to walk off the edge of the cliff like lemmings. And then, Beaumont REDEEMS HIMSELF!

[...]

[Beaumont tosses Lugosi over the edge of the cliff.]

Lovelock: BEST DEATH EVER.  

Starkwell: Even though it looked hilariously fake, that’s pretty gruesome for the thirties.

Lovelock: BEST DEATH EVER.

[...]

Madeline becomes herself again, and the priest says something funny.  And then, like so many old films, it ends almost immediately and without warning.  A true classic.