Doomsday Book.

Well, it seems like found footage films are finally starting to go somewhat out of style, and that the new trend is going to lean towards anthology films.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, but we've yet to come across a recent anthology film that we didn't all FUCKING HATE.  Well, straight from Korea, comes this new anthology pick about the end of the world, basically, in different ways of ending.  Lovelock is, as always, upset about having to read subtitles.  The first is a story called "Brave New World".

[...]

[Nerdy guy complains to his family and then his mom tells him to take out the recycling.]

Starkwell: This dude is INSTANTLY loveable.

Lovelock: And that's why, I don't recycle.

Starkwell: Seriously?

Lovelock: His reaction to smelly and moldy trash is SPOT ON.  I can relate.

[...]

After gagging a boatload of times, eventually the nerd finishes his chore and dumps a mysteriously moldy apple into the "food waste" disposal bin.  We follow the Apple's journey through the composting process, into cow feed, that cow is killed, butchered, made into a meal, and probably has horrifying mad cow disease.  It's like an episode of "The Polka Dot Door" on acid.

[...]

[Nerd Guy is on a date with a girl at a Korean BBQ place, eating BEEF.]

Lovelock: Do you think they call it Korean BBQ in Korea?  Or is it just BBQ?  Or like, REGULAR RESTAURANT?

Starkwell: Just… stop.  Now.  Please.

[...]

[Nerd Guy gets in a fight with two teens… but suddenly sees all red and KICKS THEIR ASSES.]

Lovelock: If that's what being a zombie is in this scenario, SIGN ME UP!

Starkwell: From zero to hero.

[The dudes that Nerd beat the shit out of seem to be regular zombies and attack a young couple in the park.]

Lovelock: Hmm… maybe I want to take back what I said.

[...]

It seems that those infected initially become very angry and violent, like something out of "The Crazies", but then they eventually go full zombie.  I believe it was Lovelock who yelled out "MULTIZOMBI!!!!!"

[...]

[We see news footage, as several programs explain the outbreak of the violent "flu".]

Starkwell: This is so fucking cool, it's not even funny.

Lovelock: Doing it right!

[Everybody will be dancing and we're doing it right.]

[...]

The comedy works.  Several ROFLs could be seen and heard from the crowd.  Nerd guy's family comes back from their vacation and finds their place wrecked and their son/brother infected.  He them promptly starts eating his mom and dad.

[...]

[Full on zombie apocalypse.]

Lovelock: This movie, makes me happy.  How did they manage, in a short segment, to do more with zombies than most films can in a full running time?

Starkwell: Writing, acting, directing, character development, having a point and an actual story… should I go on?

[...]

The segment ends on a poetic note, quoting the Bible and eating from the tree of life.  I'm not sure if they're saying we should all be vegetarians, or if it makes perfect sense, or if they're saying recycling is bad, but I think it's awesome.  Starkwell IS a vegan, Lovelock's favorite food is pepperoni so… split decision in that sense.   But for the segment overall, it's unanimous… FANTASTIC.  They still watch the other to "non-zombie" doomsday scenario segments, but their conversation keeps to a minimum.  The second segment involves a robot takeover, whereas the third sees the end of the world due to a meteor strike.  All three are solid, but the zombie segment is clearly the critics' choice here.   American anthology films TAKE NOTE.  Please.

Tokyo Zombie.

Based on a Manga comic of the same name, I guarantee that this will likely be one big incomprehensible pile of potential.  Whether or not this will go in the "awesome Japanese zombie movie" pile (Versus, Wild Zero…), or the "horrible the worst I hate it to death Japanese zombie movie" pile (Girls Swim Team, Stacy…) is entirely up to everyone's favorite "the Statler and Waldorf of zombie films".

[...]

[We are introduced to Fujio and Matsuo, factory workers, who train on their lunchbreak to be jiu-jitsu champs.]

Lovelock: I wish I could spar at work for fun.

Starkwell: Sure you do.

[They kill their boss and decide to dump him in Black Fuji, the mountain sized garbage dump out at the city limits.]

Lovelock: Sparring at work AND smacking their boss in the head with a fire extinguisher?  HEROES!

Starkwell: Yeah… this will end well.

[...]

In the next few minutes we see a flashback scene involving a young bare assed Fujio being spanked by a pedophile high school teacher, a shot of a person's head being kicked off of their body and flying into orbit, while still talking, and finally a bunch of zombies rising up out of Black Fuji and attacking people.  We also saw a zombie eating a dude's wang.

[...]

Starkwell: There have been more pedophile jokes and references than zombies so far.  Not exactly a promising start.

[...]

He's complaining, but they seem to both like the main characters quite a bit.  There is very little make-up for the zombies.   They basically just look like people with slightly gray faces.  Somehow it works though.  "Better that than crappy cheaply and incompetently produced Nintendo Pac-Man bullshit" says Lovelock.  Not entirely sure what that means, but I guess it's a compliment.

[...]

[Matsuo tells Fujio he has cancer, but has felt better since he started working at the factory and teaching Fujio the wonders of Jiu-Jitsu.]

Lovelock:  There should be a hundred movies starring these two guys, zombies or no zombies.  I would watch them all, all the time.

[...]

They meet a girl, but then Matsuo gets bitten.  He gives Fujio his Jiu-Jitsu robe and jumps out of the van.  As the girl and Matsuo run away from zombies, it fades to black.  Before any of us had a chance to be sad, we are treated to an animated montage explaining that Tokyo died over the course of the next few years.  Eventually there was a new society where the rich stayed alive, lived in huge towers and used the poor as their slaves and as zombie food.

[...]

[Fujio is a fighter in this new civilization that fights zombies in a ring to entertain rich elite older women.]

Lovelock: FUJIO!!!!!!

Starkwell: He learned from the best.

[...]

[Fujio returns home to the slums where he lives with the girl and their daughter (?), and talks to a Matsuo shrine he has built in his shantytown home.]

Lovelock: I still can't believe he's gone.  I don't want him to be…

Starkwell: They're the best team ever.  Even if we only got like thirty minutes of them, they are the best.  Ever.

[...]

Fujio loses his next fight, without being bitten, but nonetheless his spirit is crushed.  A single tear can be seen running down Lovelock's cheek.  Then, it turns out that Zombie Matsuo has been found and recruited by the fighting association.  Fujio must fight his former master!  Lovelock nervous farted seven times in a row.  EDGE OF THEIR SEATS.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell resisted the temptation to make Vader-Obiwan references.

[...]

[Fujio and Matsuo fight with super slow Jiu-Jitsu for like five minutes.  Matsuo starts talking to him.]

Starkwell: Wait… so he's not a zombie?

Lovelock: Is the dream team back?

[Matsuo tells Fujio he needs to kill him and move on.]

Starkwell: Wait… so he is a zombie?

Lovelock: I don't know, man… I just want the ol' gang to get back together.

[...]

Then some random group of rebels show up and starts spraying all of the rich ladies with piss and shit out of a piss and shit mini-gun.  Fujio decides to fulfill his destiny by traveling to Russia with his family, to train and become a number one man.  And then all of the zombies are released and shit starts making even less sense.  Seriously though, when the main character(s) is cool like this… who really cares?  They set it up for a sequel, and also show us that Matsuo was never actually bitten by a zombie, because the zombie that bit him had dentures.  He still thinks he's a zombie though.  He chases after Fujio as he rides to Russia.  Holy Hell we all wish that they had gotten around to making that sequel.

Return of the Living Dead Part II.

Some film series are great from first film to last.  Others take a couple of movies before they really veer off into the great unknown land of turds (think “Lethal Weapon” or the “Die Hard” films).  And others, like the “Re-Animator” films, took a massive nosedive IMMEDIATELY following the first film.  Given Dan O’Bannon’s excellent first film… I’m a little worried to see where this second installment will end up in the hands of writer-director Ken Wiederhorn.  The good news is, he was the guy that wrote and directed “Shock Waves”.  The bad news is he also later directed the “sequel in name only” to “Meatballs”.  Have at it, boys.

[...]

[Soldier driving truck full of Trioxin cans gets high and listens to bad music, when he hits a tiny pothole, canisters of Trioxin fly into the river.]

Starkwell: Don’t get me wrong, I get the notion of a wildly irresponsible army dude smoking weed while driving toxic materials… but you’d think they would have fastened the canisters in a little better… or maybe even, oh I don’t know, PUT A FUCKING BACK ON THE TRUCK!

Lovelock: Yeah but then we wouldn’t have a movie.  I, for one, applaud the shitty writing.

[...]

[Two bullies force a kid to join their club. While trying to beat him up near a cemetery, they find a canister and open it up.]

Lovelock: KIDS?!??!?!  This ain’t good…

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were a little confused by the fact that two of the actors from the first movie are in this one as well, except that they aren’t playing the same characters… which makes sense since they died in the first one.  Anyways, now they’re stealing shit from graves to pawn for money.  The gas from the canister starts trickling into the cememtery.

[...]

[One of the Bully Kids is sick, from breathing in the Trioxin dust.]

Lovelock: Had better not all be centered around a zombie kid.

[Dorky Kid goes back to cemetery, runs into a tar man.]

Lovelock: HOORAY!

[Dead people start emerging from the ground!]

Lovelock: I’m feeling better.  A lot better.

[...]

It becomes pretty clear pretty quickly that this movie will have no problem being “goofy”, as we have already heard the now famous “brains!” a few times, and have witnessed all sorts of zombie physical comedy. Then the main girl, the lovely Brenda, punches through a zombies head, and there was much rejoicing in the crowd.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m willing to forgive the use of annoying ass kids if there is to be more face punches like that.

Starkwell: I’m willing to forgive the horrible soundtrack, over-the-top zaniness, and atrocious acting if… no… actually I’m not, not under any circumstances.

[...]

If the movie wasn’t trying SO HARD to be “funny” and “kerrrrazy”, it would probably be much better than it is.  As Starkwell said, a severed rotting zombie head speaking in a bad southern accent telling them to “get tha’ damn screwdriver outta my head” isn’t funny it’s “absolutely lame, in every way.”

[...]

Starkwell: It bugs me when a movie can’t make up its mind about what kind of zombies it has in it…

Lovelock: It always bugs me when you won’t shut up during the good scenes.

Starkwell: THESE are the good scenes?

[...]

Then one of the actors who was IN THE FIRST FILM says to the other “I feel like we’ve been here before, like it’s a dream I’ve had before”.  He did everything but wink at the camera.  There are some great zombie kills and the effects are decent enough.  I mean, actually, some of the effect work is really cheesy, but as Lovelock said, “it’s always nice to go back and see proper non-CGI zombies”.

[...]

Starkwell: Inconsistency number a million: if these zombies want to eat human brains, why would they be eating animals at the pet store?

Lovelock: Inconsistency number please shut up.

Starkwell: And why do they run sometimes, but then most of the time shuffle around?

Lovelock: Because no one cares.  Especially not the writers.

Starkwell: Wait a minute… that one can drive a car?

Lovelock: Alright, I’ll admit, that’s super weak.

[...]

[It turns out that the zombies can be stopped by electrocuting them, so the “heroes” round up all the zombies in town into a big puddle and shock them.]

Starkwell: We’re just supposed to buy that they managed to get all of the zombies there?

Lovelock: I guess…

Starkwell: And that the eight year old kid can figure out how to drive stick in five seconds?  ANd reach the pedals in a huge truck?

Lovelock: Umm…

[...]

Anyways, before it’s all over, we end up seeing a fight between Dorky Kid and Zombie Bully Kid, a super lame “Michael Jackon’s Thriller” joke, and another shot of bad southern accent severed head zombie from before… who’s there somehow.  Talking.  Ugh.

Masters of Horror: Dance of the Dead.

“Masters of Horror” was a relatively short lived television series that produced a mixed bag of shorter horror features helmed by titans of the genre.  In the first season, Tobe Hooper provided the show with the post-apocalyptic effort entitled “Dance of the Dead”.  The first one of these that Starkwell and Lovelock watched was Joe Dante's "Homecoming" which, sadly for them at this point, set the bar exceedingly high.

[...]

[Old lady flashes back to her childhood birthday party, horrible storm comes, people disintegrate.]

Starkwell: What the hell was that? A cloud of pure evil?

Lovelock: Did you see their faces melt off?  More like cloud of awesome.

[...]

Then it cuts to the DOOM ROOM, which is apparently some kind of anarchistic night club.  According to Starkwell it features “Lame fucking music and Freddy Krueger as an MC with a bunch of make-up on.”

[...]

Lovelock: Why is it that any futuristic post-apocalyptic world created in the movies features shitty fucking 'futuristic' bands and music?

[...]

We are then introduced to some lame characters that are, for reasons unknown, stealing blood from old people.  We then find out that it was THE TERRORISTS that caused all of this.  Given that Joe Dante’s “Homecoming” was politically charged and very anti-war, I’m starting to think that there’s a recurring theme here amongst these Masters of Horror shorts.  Once they started developing the story more and we saw people throwing naked women zombies into a dumpster and burning them, Starkwell and Lovelock grew a little more quiet, wondering how they were going to find time to explain all of this AND wrap it all up in less than an hour.  They did make several jokes about the bad acting.   The film also seems to be doing a whole “THE YOUTH OF TODAY ARE DAMAGED!” thing.

[...]

[Jack goes to find Whatever The Fuck Her Name Is, I think it’s Peggy.]

Starkwell: So… it’s a love story too?

Lovelock: It has everything all at once.

Starkwell: Everything except good acting, good dialogue... my interest.

[...]

Then there was an awkward scene where Freddy Krueger felt up a naked corpse before re-animating it.  I mean, things are happening, but nothing is really happening.  Those aren’t my words, they’re Lovelock’s.  There’s also a whole “DRUGS ARE BAD” thing going on.

[...]

[The Old Lady goes after Peggy.]

Lovelock: Some movies can pull off showing old ladies waving guns around and saying cocksucker.  This movie is not one of them.

[...]

So the two dudes were getting blood to give it to Freddy Krueger at the DOOM ROOM.  We’ve yet to find out what he will use it for.  I’m assuming it has something to do with the whole re-animatings of corpses thingy.  Starkwell almost walked out when they showed Freddy Krueger getting head from a naked zombie, but with only ten minutes left, he figured he may as well stay.

[...]

Lovelock: Wait so… the war caused the zombies?

Starkwell: No I think it’s the Freddy Krueger MC guy…

Lovelock: Or, is it just the electric shocks?

Starkwell: Wait… if that’s Peggy's sister, how did she grow up if she’s dead?

Lovelock: Holy shit I really don’t know.  I’ve got a headache now.

[...]

Then there’s like a twist where it was the mom that sold the sister to MC Krueger.  And the end.  Well actually, then Peggy turned around and sold her mom to MC Krueger.  But yeah, then the end.  And now Peggy likes the DOOM ROOM?

[...]

Starkwell: So what’s the point?

Lovelock: We just wasted an hour.  That’s the point.

Rabid.

David Cronenberg is a legend in the horror realm.  Also he is Canadian, so that’s cool too!  1977’s “Rabid” was one of his earlier film ventures, before “The Fly”, “Videodrome” or even “The Brood”.  Also it was filmed and takes place in Lovelock and Starkwell’s home city of Montreal, so you know that alone has them all worked up.  Get ready boys, horror awaits!  Executive producer Ivan Reitman?  Awesome.

[...]

[Motorcycle crash, bike explodes on girl.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t ride motorcycles.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.  Actually, yeah that probably is why.

Lovelock: Well that and the bugs in the face.

[...]

[The surgeons use an experimental RADIOACTIVE technique of skin graft.]

Lovelock: Something tells me that this radiation will not produce a Spiderman like hero.

Starkwell: Could that ‘something’ be that the film is called RABID?

[...]

The movie really portrays plastic surgeons as complete money grubbing assholes.  And people that get (needless) plastic surgery as total tools.  Starkwell comments that “this is seriously ahead of its time”.

[...]

[Marilyn Chambers stabs people with her super armpits.]

Lovelock: That’ll teach him to go straight for the boobies!

Starkwell: Yeah, they need romancing first.

[...]

[Impressive car crash.]

Starkwell: He pulled that off in the seventies on a shoestring budget… OTHER FILM MAKERS TAKE NOTE.

Lovelock: Did you see the zombie guy?  He looked awesome!  Green mouth froth!

[...]

[Doctor finds her weird armpit stinger that poisons people and turns them into blood sucking zombies.]

Lovelock: Part spider, part vagina, all disgusting.

Starkwell: So, in a way, it kind of did turn her into Spiderman.

Lovelock: In a way? It's basically a remake.

[...]

[As Chambers hitchhiked her way to the city, poisoning people along the way, the outbreak exploded!]

Lovelock: That’s why people don’t pick up hitchhikers anymore.

Starkwell: I don’t know if that’s specifically the reason.

Lovelock: What spider armpit poison girl?  That’s totally the reason.

Starkwell: I don’t know about that, but I do know that hearing a heavily accented Quebeccer explain the disease is fantastic.

Lovelock: “Don’t… euh… let anyone bit you…”  As if people need to be told.

Starkwell: Yeah, if not for this outbreak, go ahead, bite away and be bitten!

[...]

Lovelock: They serve popcorn at peep shows?  GROSS.

[...]

[Guy gets bit by rabid granny on metro (the Montreal Subway system).]

Lovelock: That’s why I hate public transportation.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Oh also, thanks to this film, we have just learned that in thirty-five years the Metro stations have not changed at all.

Starkwell: And apparently Santa’s helpers at the mall used to dress like pole dancers.

Lovelock: That should make a comeback, I think... but smoking being allowed in the malls… yeah that should stay gone.

[...]

The fact that the rabid zombies run around eating people is just further proof that Starkwell’s comment about this film being ahead of its time is true on many levels.  Then Dr. Murray came home to find his wife had eaten their baby, and it was truly horrifying.  Lovelock and Starkwell remained deadly quiet for a little while after seeing that.

[...]

Lovelock: Why do people push elevator buttons more than once?  Dumb.

[That broke the silence.]

[...]

When people talk about the greatest zombie films ever made, rarely does this one come up.  And that’s a shame.  Considering this came out in 1977, as Starkwell pointed out “it should be on everyone’s list”.  Then Lovelock nodded his head so hard that he got whiplash.

Garden of the Dead.

So I put the fucking Troma DVD into the DVD player, and there isn’t even a menu.  They force me to watch a bunch of Troma promo shit, and then it just launches into 1974’s “Garden of the Dead”.  Sit back, Starkwell and Lovelock, relax, and try to find some effective ways to make fun of this thing.

[...]

[Prisoner Gang gets high off of some kind of formaldehyde vapor.  The Formaldehyde Gang.]

Lovelock: I don’t know, prison doesn’t look so bad.  Working outside with your buddies, getting’ high.  It’s a party.

[The prison camp pretty much looks like a summer camp.  Girl in super short skirt arrives.]

Lovelock: AND there are girls?!? 

Starkwell: I think I’d rather not see that guy rubbing his dickprint.

[Guard lets guy out to see his girl and kiss her.]

Lovelock: Dude’s in prison and he gets the girl!?!?!

Starkwell: If this is at all representative of our prisons, then I’m thinking the guards need to be a little tougher.

[Inmates play poker and smoke and hang out.]

Lovelock: Man, best prison ever.

[Guy gets SHANKED.]

Starkwell: And that’s why, prison sucks.

Lovelock: Well, that and the showers.

[...]

The incredibly dark and poor quality of the print made it hard to figure out exactly what was going on, but basically The Formaldehyde Gang were escaping and were mostly shot dead.  I think some formaldehyde was leaking into a graveyard.  At some point I think Lovelock said “Fuck, turn the lights on”.  Starkwell was WISHING for some solid DAY FOR NIGHT filming.

[...]

[The Formaldehyde Gang rise from their graves.]

Lovelock: That actually looked pretty cool.

Starkwell: You can see what’s going on? Man, I can’t see anything.

[...]

[The Formaldehyde Gang finds Skirt Girl… somehow.]

Lovelock: She might have the most excruciating scream I have ever heard.

Starkwell: Regardless, I think we got the point after the first five seconds.

Lovelock: The zombie makeup is better than I expected.

Starkwell: This film’s pace is exactly as I expected.  Slow.

[Skirt Girl drives away from the zombie in her trailer.]

Lovelock: Escaping zombies while staying at home… the one major advantage to living in an RV.

Starkwell: Lack of proper toilet is definitely a disadvantage.

Lovelock: But it’s good training for the apocalypse.

[...]

The Formaldehyde Gang comes back to drink their beloved formaldehyde, and then move at ridiculously fast speeds in a frenzy of rage.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell agree that the movie would be infinitely cooler if they could see half of what’s happening on the screen.  But there an awful lot of ninja like acrobatics coming from axe wielding zombie convicts.  And then the zombies start getting shot and melting or something.  One jumped out a window, and there was a simultaneous “WOAH” from the peanut gallery.

[...]

Starkwell: So, what did you learn today?

Lovelock: Huffing formaldehyde and prison are not as fun as they might seem in the first twenty minutes of this film. You?

Starkwell: That I can’t get back the last hour of my life, and that lighting in a movie is important.

[...]

So there is this thin plot line that involves the zombies being hurt by light, but somehow, not all light hurts them, and moonlight doesn’t affect them.  It seems like it’s just the big spotlight.  Starkwell suggests that it’s some sort of psychological twist, because as escaped convicts, they do not want to be seen by the guards’ spotlight.  Lovelock seemed intrigued, but then Starkwell was like “nah, I’m kidding, this movie blows”.  Then the zombies get shot and THE END.

Nightmare City.

Italian cult director Umberto Lenzi dove head first into the zombie exploitation genre with his explosively insane 1980 explosion, “Nightmare City”.  He didn’t care about zombie rules.  He didn’t care about good taste.  He didn’t even really care about logic or sense.  Let’s see what Starkwell and Lovelock have to say about this epic and infamous venture into ridiculousness.  EXPLOSION.  The DVD from Blue Underground looks spectacular, by the way.

[...]

[Plane full of zombies lands on runway, they raise hell.]

Starkwell: Which one of the zombies was flying the plane… and landing it?

Lovelock: Probably the Queen zombie.  In these situations, it’s best not to ask too many questions.

[...]

The whole thing is filmed almost like a slapstick comedy.  Whether or not it was intentional will probably forever remain a mystery.  Either way, Starkwell and Lovelock’s explosive laughter indicate that it doesn’t matter.  The laughter went on.  And on. And on.  This is what I was able to understand, through the thick laughter and tears.  I am not kidding… TEARS.

[...]

Starkwell: Is that a zombie or a guy with mud on his head?

[...]

Lovelock: How come some of them are eating people and others are basically ninjas?

[...]

Starkwell: Is that guy holding a mop?

Lovelock: Nice ‘no arm’ makeup.

[...]

Lovelock: Machine Gun Zombie is so calm compared to the rest.  Woah, Mud Face returns!

[...]

I know there were more awesome jokes in the mix, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying.  Also, I was laughing pretty hard too.  Then it cut to a dance show being filmed in the television studio, and I swear I thought Lovelock was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

[...]

Starkwell: Why are the camera men wearing lab coats?

[Reporter Guy cuts Dance Show to deliver NEWS FLASH.  It’s the worst looking news set in the history of sets.  News Chief cuts his broadcast.]

Starkwell: Why is he so pissed off?  How many people would have been watching that shitty dance program?

Lovelock: Italy in the early eightes?  Probably a lot.

[...]

[Zombies arrive at Dance Studio.]

Starkwell: Why is it in slow motion?

Lovelock: Because it’s so fast paced, you just might miss something otherwise.

Starkwell: Well, I wish I hadn’t seen that zombie cut off that woman’s breast and eat it.

Lovelock: You don’t get to choose what you see.  Umberto is in control.  Give in.

[...]

None of the film makes sense.  Some of the highlights from the next thirty minutes of laughter were as follows.

[...]

Starkwell: Why would the colonel introduce himself by name like that, to his fellow officers?

Lovelock: It’s so that we, the viewers, know who he is.

[...]

Starkwell: Given how many zombie ‘rules’ it throws out the window, it really is sticking to the “destroy the brain” theory.

Lovelock: Umberto doesn’t care about rules.

Starkwell: I don’t think Umberto cared much about the audience either.

[...]

Lovelock: Good thing the zombies knew how to cut their telephone line.  And somehow knew they were on the phone.  And for some reason needed to cut the telephone line.

Starkwell: I can’t tell if they’re zombies or some kind of terrorist group wearing mud for camouflage.

Lovelock: If they are worried about camouflage then that baby blue leisure suit is a poor choice.

Starkwell: It worked well at the dance studio.

[...]

The action, for the most part, is pretty relentless.  No one is safe.  Especially not Starkwell or Lovelock.

[...]

Starkwell: Luckily for the main character’s wife, the zombies, when pursuing her, are incredibly slow and decide not to use machine guns or swords.

Lovelock: The zombie speeds are inconsistent, much like the amount of mud they have on their faces.

Starkwell: Did the doctor just hit a zombie with a plastic water bottle? It didn’t look like the stunt man even knew he was hit.  And how come the surgeon can throw the scalpel with such accuracy?

Lovelock: Surgeons used to often double as circus performers, or, professional dartsmen… dartists… dart throwers… whatever that would be.

Starkwell: Why would the zombie expose that woman’s boobs before hitting her with… was that a baseball bat?

Lovelock: Did you see the size of those things?  I’m surprised they didn’t fall out sooner, or explode on impact.

[...]

The conversation continued like this for a little while longer.  Starkwell and Lovelock kept on having to rewind just so they could make jokes about everything that was happening on screen.  I believe Lovelock was the one that exclaimed that “the hospital KILL montage was the best montage of the movie so far”.  I couldn’t keep up with them, let alone the frantic action happening within the film.  I think it was Starkwell that said, at one point, quite matter of factly that, “this might be the highest body count I have ever seen in a movie.”

[...]

Lovelock: HARPOONED!

[...]

Lovelock: Eyeball gag!

Starkwell: And bare-chested woman booby kill… again.

Lovelock: It’s kind of souring me on nipples.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Well… no.  But, definitely soured on that girl’s nipples.

[...]

[Reporter’s wife starts freaking out and he slaps her to ‘snap her out of it’.]

Lovelock: You really don’t see that much any more.

Starkwell: In film or in real life?

Lovelock: Shit, both, I hope.

[...]

Lovelock: Is that a field full of zombies or a flash mob?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: A field full of zombies or a disorganized rugby game?

Starkwell: One more time.

Lovelock: Disorganized children's soccer game?

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[...]

[Reporter bashes Zombie Priest’s head.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go to church.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

Then the Reporter and wife end up AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK, where they are eventually rescued by a helicopter.  But then, Wife slips and falls and dies.  The shot of her falling is, for lack of a better word, ridiculous.  It has never been more obvious ever, in any movie ever, that it was a dummy falling, and not an actual person.  Not ever.  The lack of a face and the terrible wig really gave it away in this case.  Also that the arm fell off.  But then… Reporter wakes up, and it was all just a horrible dream.

[...]

[Reporter goes to the airport to interview a Nuclear Scientist guy.]

Starkwell: This all looks strangely familiar…

Lovelock: Was it a dream… or a PREMONITION!?!?!?!

Starkwell: Is the movie starting over?

Lovelock: Man, I hope that in the theatres they ran a director’s cut that just ran forever.

Starkwell: Yeah, like a social experiment, to see how long people would last.

Lovelock: I think I could do a day or two.

[...]

THE NIGHTMARE BECOMES A REALITY…

[...]

Sometimes movies are so bad that they are good.  But on rare occasions, such as with this cinematic gem, films are so unbelievably bad, that they are elevated to a level of mischievous fun far beyond the scope of comprehension.  This many wrongs couldn’t possibly make a right, could they?  I can’t even tell you why Starkwell and Lovelock liked this movie so much.  To be honest, I don’t even think that they could tell you.  People believe in God without having proof of its existence, and I guess Starkwell in Lovelock believe in the sheer brilliance of this movie, even without the proof of its existence.

Revenge of the Living Dead Girls.

An unofficial sequel to the Rollin “Masterpiece”, this one is directed by Pierre B. Reinhard, which, for all we know is another alias of the infamous French director.  After all, Zombie Lake wasn’t directed under his actual name.  No matter who the director is, the film certainly will turn out to be a challenge to sit through, and Lovelock and Starkwell are ready for the challenge.  Or a least, they think they are. The menu screen shows an option for an ‘alternate ending’, which we just may have to view later.  For now… PLAY MOVIE!

[...]

[Trucker picks up injured girl, motorcycle follows.]

Starkwell: She’s pretty trusting to just follow a trucker into an abandoned old tower of some kind.

Lovelock: Shhhhh… apparently rubbing her upper thigh is helping... helping her injuries.

Starkwell: Oh brother…

[...]

As the plot began SLOWLY developing, and it turns out that the poisoned milk is making women die, Starkwell and Lovelock spent several minutes trying to decide of the film was originally filmed in French or not.  Either way, they agree that the overdubbing is hilarious, the acting is atrocious, and the mood is lightly pornographic.

[...]

[Captain Motorcycle disposes of The Company’s toxic waste in the ‘middle of nowhere’.]

Starkwell: So, apparently the middle of nowhere is directly on top of the recently deceased’s graves?

Lovelock: Well, duh, how else would they come back for revenge, as living dead girls.

Starkwell: So it just happens to be the three that died from tainted milk?

Lovelock: Well, duh, how else would they come back for revenge, as living dead girls.

[...]

So basically there’s a dude that went and had sex with the woman that the living dead girls had just killed with a heel to the eye, but he never realized that she was dead, until THE NEXT DAY, when the Evil Secretary told him that she was dead, as she tried to get the sexy sex out of him.  He doesn't even seem disturbed that he had sex with a corpse last night, and then left... the corpse.  I guess he doesn’t mind when the girls don’t say anything, or move at all.  A little while later, the living dead girls bit a guy’s penis off, to which Starkwell said something along the lines of “Oh fuck off” and left the room.  Lovelock stayed mostly quiet for the rest of the film.

[...]

Lovelock: It must be nice to have such smooth and perfect hand when your face is all decayed and rotten.  Actually, the decaying face part of it probably isn’t very nice at all, granted it would make the hands appear even smoother.

[...]

Then the Chemist was referring to the chemical burn on his hand, and holding his hand up and there was CLEARLY no burn on his hand.  Apparently they didn’t bother with the makeup.  Then the Chemist tried to explain what was going on, and NOTHING ADDS UP.  Ordinarily movies have the occasional continuity issue, like a drink changing hands, or a button being done, then undone.  But this film's continuity errors are so in your face, it almost makes it awesome.  Almost.   Lovelock started laughing, and I’m pretty sure he kept laughing until the awkward lesbian scene (that ended with sword-into-the-vagina death) silenced him.  Then during the horrifying INSTANT miscarriage in the shower scene, Lovelock decided he was done with this movie and walked out.  I think he was still watching from the other room though, because he came back in when Captain Motorcycle was TOXIC WASTED.  Then the movie ended all of a sudden and Lovelock let out an awkward laugh.

Return of the Living Dead.

John Russo who was behind the original Night of the Living Dead, along with Romero obviously, apparently had the right to use the “living dead” moniker however he saw fit.  In 1985, he decided to use said moniker in his story turned movie “Return of the Living Dead”.  Dan O’Bannon, yes THE Dan O’Bannon, was brought in to write the script and direct, and the result was a horror comedy the likes of which had never been seen!  And now it’s time for Starkwell and Lovelock to see it!  NOW!!!!!

[...]

[Film says the film is based on true events.]

Lovelock: Wow.  The ‘80s really were a magical time.

[...]

It is evident right away that the Dan O’Bannon magic is in full effect, and that the acting is top notch.  Lovelock was so excited he let out an accidental fart.

[...]

[Old Guy slams Trioxin container and it leaks.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never slap the side of Conspiracy Containers.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why. ... Wait, what's a Conspiracy Container.

Lovelock: A barrel full of secret stuff and mystery that the government wants to hide... duh.

[...]

The movie is full of hilariously over the top army people, 1980s style anarchy goth punks, and synth music.  Then dead things started coming to life and Starkwell and Lovelock sat at the edge of their seat, smiling and laughing, thoroughly engaged.

[...]

[Punk girl strips.]

Starkwell: Why would she strip?

Lovelock: To stick it to the man?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: So that the movie could feature boobies?

Starkwell: Bingo.

Lovelock: Even Dan O’Bannon can't escape the '80s gratuitous booby movement.

[...]

After the frantic and funny fight with the first zombie, Starkwell agreed to forgive O’Bannon for the gratuitous female nudity.  The zombie was running, which, at the time must have been pretty original, and sacrilegious, for any Romero purists.  Starkwell and Lovelock don’t seem to have any problem with it.

[...]

[Embalmer pulls out a pistol.]

Starkwell: Why would the guy working at the mortuary have a gun?

Lovelock: Apparently, one reason would be to kill rabid weasels out in the parking lot.

[...]

[Toxic rain covers the graveyard, punks flee the scene.]

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t she take her clothes?

Lovelock: So that they can continue to show her boobies.

Starkwell: Yeah, I’m mad at O’Bannon again.

[She eventually covers her top partially, but continues to parade around with no pants.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: I feel like wearing a top with not bottom only accentuates the bottom's nudity.

Starkwell: ...

[...]

[TARMAN makes his appearance.]

Starkwell: Holy shit that’s an impressive make up job.

Lovelock: Shut up RIGHT NOW, until I tell you it’s ok to speak again.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were quiet for a while as the story progressed into a frenzy of fast moving zombies and a motley crew of panicky people stuck in a mortuary.

[...]

[Zombies can talk, apparently, and use the ambulance radio to communicate with dispatch.]

Starkwell: I’m not sure how I feel about that…

Lovelock: I don’t remember saying that you could talk yet.

[...]

There was a scene where two paramedics show up and get swarmed INSTANTANEOUSLY.  They made me rewind it five or six times.  In fact, there were so many amazing shots that they wanted to re-watch that I had to hide the remote, or it would have taken three hours to get through this thing.

[...]

[Naked girl returns as a zombie.]

Starkwell: Fucking COME ON.  There is no reason for her to be naked.

Lovelock: Dude, we’ve been over this.  It is for the inclusion of film boobies.

[...]

The rest of the movie moves fast.  It succeeds on every level.  When it wants to be funny, it’s funny.  When it tries to scare, it delivers.  When it wants to gross out, it does so magnificently well.  Starkwell actually admit to liking the characters.  Well, except the naked girl.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock want to watch the many sequels that this film spawned.  I guess I will let them find out for themselves that none of the follow-ups come anywhere close to this film’s quality and charm.  Sure, we could have done without the gratuitous boobs, but if that’s the movie’s one major flaw, we’re doing just fine.

C.H.U.D.

Some movies come along and change everything.  I don’t think that 1984’s “C.H.U.D.” was such a movie, really.  But it did give us the expression CHUD, so there is that to think about.  The film was directed by Douglas Cheek, who apparently never directed anything else again.  Maybe he set the bar too high for himself, or maybe, just maybe, it is so bad he retired forever.  I’m anxious to let Lovelock and Starkwell loose on this Anchor Bay release.

[...]

[Woman gets pulled into a sewer by a nasty hand.]

Lovelock: That’s why you’re never supposed to go near a sewer that has steam coming out of it.

Starkwell: Wait, you’re not?  Oh and, yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[Cop girl rolls her eyes.]

Starkwell: She looked at the camera.

Lovelock: Thrice.

[...]

John Heard is incredible.  They said it, and I agree.

[...]

[Cop stops following them because it’s too smelly.]

Starkwell: That’s some great police work…

Lovelock: No wonder the CHUDs are on the rampage.

[...]

When they revealed the homeless guy’s wound, Lovelock regretted that he was eating a smooth and spicy green curry.

[...]

[Bosh and Rev venture into the sewer.]

Starkwell: Finally, a cop that isn’t afraid of a little smelly.

Lovelock: Do you mean the smell of the sewer or of the Reverend?

[...]

[CHUD eats man.]

Lovelock: Should this really count as a zombie movie?

Starkwell: They look gross and eat people.  So, that's definitely a start.

Lovelock: That girl looked at the camera again.

Starkwell: That nuclear expert guy kind of looks like a zombie...

Lovelock: You think the Ninja Turtles got their idea from this?

Starkwell: You mean the people who created the Ninja Turtles?

Lovelock: No one created them, idiot, they’re not real.  Pfff…

Starkwell: I hate you.

[...]

Daniel Stern is incredible.  They said it, and I agree.

[...]

[Guy in polo shirt swallows Rev’s quarter, for no reason.]

Starkwell: What the hell was the point of that?

Lovelock: I guess if you can afford Lacoste polo shirts, you don’t mind wasting a few quarters.

Starkwell: I don't think they were as expensive back then.

Lovelock: Like you know.

Starkwell: And you do?

[...]

[EPA guy has a plan.]

Starkwell: How can you gas the sewer?

Lovelock: Do you have a better idea?

[...]

Starkwell: I think they just threw dirt into Daniel Stern’s face before every scene.

Lovelock: Probably helped him get into character.

[...]

[While unclogging drain with coat hanger blood spits everywhere.]

Lovelock: That’s why I always just leave drains clogged.

Starkwell: So that’s why I always have to unclog the toilet?

[...]

Then John Goodman was in the movie for five seconds.

[...]

[Kid pulls on doorknob.]

Starkwell: If something was mysteriously banging on the basement door, no kid in all of history would ever pull on the handle.

Lovelock: Well, no smart kid anyways.

[...]

[Homeless man who was previously bitten has gone CHUD.]

Lovelock: Zombie movie!  Officially!

[...]

[Girl kills CHUD.]

Starkwell: Are we really supposed to believe that she could actually cut through a CHUD neck?

Lovelock: Are we really supposed to believe that she could be a perfume and / or undiewears model?

[...]

[Van’s tire dips into manhole, van explodes.]

Starkwell: Wait… what?

Lovleock: I’d hate to drive in Boston if a pothole really could do that.

[...]

Great cast, great story, great action. Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers for the win.  They’ve asked me to find C.H.U.D. II, especially since it’s unclear what really happens to the CHUDs at the end of this.

The Living Dead Girl.

Infamous French director Jean Rollin is definitely an acquired taste.  Whether or not I have acquired this taste remains to be seen, but I figured now was as good a time as any to expose Starkwell and Lovelock to some of his work.  “La Morte Vivante” is presented here in widescreen on this ‘Redemption’ release.  We speak French, so subtitles are not necessary.  When you tell it to play the movie, we are immediately presented with a shot-on-video ‘Redemption’ intro of a naked large breasted woman, covered in blood, whose implant scars are clearly defined, being, well, molested by some kind of vampire thing… This had better not be an indication of the quality of the movie.

[...]

[Grave robber falls and hits his head, worst acting ever, chemicals spill on dead girl, she reanimates, pokes his eyes out.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t rob graves.

Starkwell: Wait, that’s why?

[...]

[Wannabe Actress, who claims to be an aspiring photographer, throws temper tantrum.  No one seems concerned that a random girl in a night gown is walking around slowly in a field.]

Starkwell: Wait, so that didn’t strike her as odd?

Lovelock: What do you mean? She took out her big zoom lens.

[...]

[The real estate agent, in Dead Girl's house, investigates a noise, realizes that it’s a rocking horse that is moving on its own, she simply smiles and stops it from further rocking.]

Starkwell: The characters in this movie don’t seem to question things all that much.

Lovelock: Yeah, it’s called realism.

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

In true Rollin fashion, the movie is moving now at a snail’s pace.  It’s not necessarily a bad thing.  It’s well shot, the music is adequate, and the atmosphere is as eerie as it gets.  One might say that the movie oozes forward at a deliberate pace.

[...]

[A couple enters the empty house in order to make some sex.  But, hold on a minute, Living Dead Girl is inside!  And she’s playing the piano!  Eventually she slays them.]

Lovelock: I guess it wouldn’t be a Rollin movie without full frontal nudity.  Unfortunately, this time male frontal nudity is also included.

Starkwell: So wait, they hear a piano sound and assume it’s nothing?

Lovelock: See, that’s why I don’t go and have sex in abandoned castles in the French countryside.

Starkwell: Wait, that’s why?

[...]

It’s hard to imagine why it would be necessary for the girls in this movie to be naked all the time, or why they would need to show one girl washing the other naked with her bare hands, or what would drive a person to cover up a double homicide for her weird bloodsucking mute lesbian lover, the Dead Girl, or how someone could react so calmly to everything that she is witnessing, but all of it is happening at breakneck speed.  Well, that is if breakneck means super slow, which it doesn’t.  And then Lesbian Lover lets Dead Girl suck her blood.

[...]

[Wannabe Actress finally starts asking around about the creepy girl she photographed in the field.  Her boyfriend Professor Mustache, a.k.a. Captain America, pretty much makes fun of her.  Nonstop.]

Starkwell: Nancy Drew is on the case!

Lovelock: Dead Girl’s kill count is shamefully low.

Starkwell: This movie should be called the Boring Dead Girl.

[...]

[Lesbian Lover pretends to be stranded on the roadside in order to get a meal for Dead Girl.  Good Samaritan, who pulled over to help stranded Lesbian lover, starts freaking out when Lesbian Lover gets all crazy on her ass.]

Lovelock: Now that’s why I don’t help people stranded on the road with a broken down car.  Somewhere in the middle of nowhere in France.  In the early 1980s.

Starkwell: Yeah.  That’s why.

[...]

[Dead Girl tears Good Samaritan apart.]

Starkwell: The scream sounds completely different from one cut to another.

Lovelock: The screams sound different from upstairs.  

Starkwell: But it  sounds like a completely different voice!

Lovelock: It’s called realism.

[...]

Then there was an incredibly awkward cut, where Dead Girl shakes her head and screams, and then it immediately replays the same cut over again, in slow motion, with a lot of reverb on her scream.  I think some milk shot out of Lovelock’s nose.

[...]

[After her encounter with Dead Girl and Lesbian Lover, Wannabe Actress runs away, top speed.]

Lovelock: Good thing she’s wearing that track suit.

Starkwell: Why didn’t she just get back on her bicycle?

[...]

[Dead Girl asks Lesbian Lover to kill her.]

Starkwell: Oh for the love of God, please do it!

Lovelock: Put her out of her misery, and, as a result, put us out of ours.

[...]

[Randomly the movie then cuts to a French folk band called the Fireflies.  It goes on for a really long time.  Let’s assume the band were friends of Jean Rollin’s.]

Lovelock: Did you change the channel?

Starkwell: Well, for starters, it’s a DVD, and secondly… why would the other channels be in French?

Lovelock: There's never anything good on anymore.

[...]

As the music video continues playing out, Lesbian Lover searches for a lonely vulnerable woman to feed to Dead Girl.  Lovelock and Starkwell continue to search for a reason to keep watching. Lesbian Lover kills the woman to feed Dead Girl, making sure to expose the victim’s enhanced breasts.  Rollin makes sure to focus on these breasts at great length.  This is not helping Lovelock and Starkwell’s quest.

[...]

[Wannabe Actress’ face is set on fire, and she practically explodes, and then dives into the castle's moat.  Captain America gets an ax to the face.]

Lovelock: That was honestly the best thirty seconds I’ve had in a long time.

[...]

[Dead Girl finally eats Lesbian Lover.]

Lovelock: Is it just me, or did this movie turn out amazing.

Starkwell: If Lesbian Lover really would be willing to do all of that for Dead Girl, and doesn't want to live without her, then where the Hell has she been for the last twenty years?

Lovelock: Are you not watching this lengthy flesh eating scene?  Seriously, does anything else really matter at this point?  Oh shit, she ate her finger!

[...]

While there was a little too much bad acting and random screaming throughout the movie, overall, it was alright.  Lovelock wants to re-watch the last scene again, but with the sound off.  Seriously, half of this movie is women screaming.  I think a quarter of it is people looking confused.  At least one eighth is boobies.  In any case, both Lovelock and Starkwell have expressed interest in seeing more from Jean Rollin.  Starkwell is still wondering what happened to Wannabe Actress' bicycle.  Maybe they were planning on a sequel.