Horror Rises From The Tomb.

“Vengeance of the Zombies” was a film released the same year as what we are about to watch.  “Vengeance” was also written by, and starring, PAUL NASCHY.  “Vengeance” was a buttload of stupid fun.  So, in conclusion, this should be fantastic.  Gentleman, start your engines.  NASCHY!

[...]

[DVD goes PLAY MOVIE and we are treated to a NASCHY introduction to the movie, wherein he is holding an axe.]

Lovelock: Do we even need to watch this?  I feel like it won’t live up to how awesome it already is in my mind.

Starkwell: It definitely will not live up to that.

[...]

As is always the case with these Spanish films, the costumes are out of control awesome.  Naschy is wearing a bad ass cape, and appears to be some sort of vampire, in the olden times.  He is about to be decapitated, along with his insanely hot woman who is, obviously, nearly showing all of her boobies in her insane dress.

[...]

[Naschy is beheaded, and his woman is hung naked, obviously, upside down and is bled to death.]

Starkwell: The Spaniards certainly like to cut into a naked bare boob.

Lovelock: Meanwhile the scar faced knight watching all of this happen… ALSO PLAYED BY NASCHY.

Starkwell: I feel a Klumps joke coming along.

Lovelock:  I was gonna go the Martin Lawrence route.

Starkwell: Sweet beheading, by the way.

[...]

[Cut to the present day (1973), and a dashing, cleaned up, suit-wearing Naschy is in an artist’s apartment watching him paint.]

Lovelock: Seven minutes into the film and he has already played THREE characters.

Starkwell: I think that might actually be the same character as the beginning, I think he’s immortal.

Lovelock: Or… BACK FROM THE DEAD.  Whoomp.  There it is.

[It's neither.]

[...]

Then there’s a really cheesy scene where the characters all go to a séance, and the old lady medium talks to Dead Naschy from the past.  There are just so many Naschys at this point, it is quite hard to keep up.  Then the Painter finishes his painting, and it turns out he has painted a headless Naschy holding his head (strangely he doesn't seem to think, hey that looks a lot like my friend).  Then he sees a floating Naschy head above his painting, bleeding and laughing at him.

[...]

Lovelock: Which Naschy is which?  Why did they make him play the knight too?

Starkwell: Irresponsible.

[...]

[Naschy fights off some car jackers.]

Lovelock:  Paul Naschy:  Man of Action.

Starkwell: So, wait, the gang is going to the old Naschy castle where the original Vampire Naschy was killed and buried?

Lovelock: Paul Naschy:  Man of Naschy.

Starkwell: I’m really confused.

Lovelock:  Naschy?

[...]

Ok, so I guess they are digging around the property looking for treasure.  I can only assume that they’ll find NASCHY HEAD.

[...]

[So one of the gardeners opens the treasure chest they found and whatever he sees possesses him, and he turns around and kills some dudes.]

Lovelock:  Oh man, you just know there’s a sweet fucking Naschy head in that chest!

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock:  Totally where “Pulp Fiction” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

The possessed guy goes around the castle killing scantily clad girls who have been left totally unattended, by Naschy and other men, in a castle that has a mysterious murderer lurking about.  The director makes sure to show boobs when he can and, just for good measure, there is another “someone cuts into a bare breast” scene… BLIND DEAD STYLE.  Apparently all of this murder has made the Naschy horny, because he immediately cheats on his woman with the other random servant woman that he has known since SHE was a child.  Stay classy, Naschy.

[...]

[Painter hooks up with his now possessed blonde idiot girlfriend, and now he is possessed.  He goes after Naschy’s woman.]

Lovelock: She’s probably better off dead than with Naschy.

[Meanwhile Naschy goes back to the other woman… probably for a round two.]

Starkwell:  Wow.  Tells his woman to keep cooking, then goes off to bone the young girl.

Lovelock: After throwing dead bodies in a lake.

[We finally see Naschy’s undead head in the treasure chest.]

Lovelock: NAILED IT.

[...]

The possessed gang go on to put Naschy’s head back onto his body, and he gets up and WALKS.  Next, the plan seems to be to shove his woman’s spirit into the Current Naschy’s woman.

[...]

[They put Current Woman into the coffin that the old skeleton of Vampire Naschy’s original woman is in…  But first they obviously need to cut off all of her clothes and grope her while showing full bush.]

Starkwell: Every time.

Lovelock:  Paul Naschy: Pervert.

[...]

Naschy grabs another feel or two of dem boobies before he stabs her.  Then, with a hand full of bloodnad her boobies, he fondles her some more.  Next thing you know Original Naschy woman is back!  Current Naschy Woman has vanished.

[...]

[The possessed gang is to become food for the undead.]

Starkwell: This is working out well for both Naschys.

[...]

Undead Woman goes into town naked and walks into a random dude’s room and seduces him and kills him and, I guess, eats him.  But not before Boobs, Bush, and some unfortunate dude ass and balls.

[...]

[Naschy seduces a random girl in her room in the village.]

Starkwell: I could buy that if a dude turns his head and sees a naked woman, he might be like “LET’S DO THIS”… but are we to believe that a woman would see a fully clothed and caped BEARDED Naschy standing in the corner of her room, hiding behind a curtain, and would STRIP, GET ON THE BED, and begin fondling herself?

Lovelock:  Woman want him, men want to be him.

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock: Either that or it was REALLY easy to get chicks In Spain in the seventies.

Starkwell: Right… it couldn’t possibly be that the dudes making this movie were perverts.

[...]

Basically Vampire Naschy has the world’s most powerful bedroom eyes.  One look and the ladies are like “do me yo-yo master”.  Then… all of the dead people emerge from the swamp and come back to the castle.

[...]

Lovelock:  Say what you will about anything else, but those are some seriously sweet looking zombies.

Starkwell: Meanwhile Naschy hasn’t even really noticed that his lady is no longer around.

Lovelock:  Because he has a new lady… DUH.

[...]

Possessed painter shoots Naschy dead.  He then tries to kill Naschy’s New Lady, but the necklace she is wearing frees him from the possession.  There’s a pretty sweet gore scene of Vampire Lady ripping a dude’s heart out.  Eventually everyone except the one girl die and she uses the necklace to kill Vampire Naschy, but not before a few more boobs are exposed and groped.

[...]

[Girl throws the necklace into the lake.]

Starkwell: Wouldn’t that be a necklace to keep, you know, in case?

[...]

The end.

Let Sleeping Corpses Lie.

It’s hard to believe that I’ve waited this long to show SUCH a classic film to Lovelock and Starkwell.  But then again, I waited three hundred movies before showing them “Night of the Living Dead”.  The DVD starts with a strange talking head shot of the director rambling on about the films many titles and telling us that he hopes we have a bad time watching it.  And then the film starts IMMEDIATELY, no menu.  Starkwell and Lovelock had better be ready.

[...]

[Dude closes up his art gallery and takes of for the holidays on his motorcycle.]

Starkwell: Might be the coolest looking guy ever.

[Actor’s name… RAY LOVELOCK!]

Lovelock: Maybe I’m related!

Starkwell: He’s running an art gallery, not a fart gallery.

Lovelock: Nailed it.

[...]

Cool dude George travels through the city and, for whatever reason, the director decides to show a naked woman streaking though the city streets.  Eventually George makes it out of the city and hits the beautiful countryside.  George stops for gas, and a Redhead backs her car onto his bike.  Busts it up, and now he’s screwed. So then George tells Redhead “you’ll drive me where I need to go, and I’ll drive”.  Clearly he’s a man of action… he just goes for it.

[...]

[George RELUCTANTLY agrees to take Redhead to her sister’s before heading to Windermere.  With her car.]

Lovelock: Jeez George, don’t trouble yourself.

Starkwell: He’s pretty much kidnapped her at this point.

[...]

They end up at a creepy farm.  This is after we hear over the radio that agricultural experiments are going on around here.  George sees the scientists with their experimental pesticide machine and tells them that they’re polluting the Earth and whatnot.  The idea of experimental pesticides bringing back the dead is, frankly, pretty ahead of its time.  Back at the car, the lonely Redhead sees a zombie and FREAKS OUT.  As the zombie chases her, Lovelock FREAKS OUT, plays air guitar and then does a handstand while Starkwell cheers.

[...]

[Redhead’s sister is batshit crazy and lives with a creepy photographer.]

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

Starkwell: He’s taking photos of the waterfall at night?

[Redhead sister is readying her arm for heroine when she is attacked by a beardy zombie.]

Lovelock: Wow, just looking at the syringe is making her TRIP BALLS.

Starkwell: Nah dude, that ain't no trip, that’s a real zombie.

Lovelock: EXCELLENT.

[She leads the zombie to her photographer husband.  The zombie immediately bludgeons the husband in the head with a rock, and kills him.]

Lovelock: This turning out to be a real crappy day for George.

Starkwell: I’d argue that it’s a worse day for the photographer.

Lovelock: Best wife ever.

[...]

The cops aren’t letting George leave.  They also suspect that the sister, Katie, killed her husband, after they found her heroine stash.  All in all, the dialogue and acting aren’t bad.  George is pretty kick ass.  Rather than getting too uppity about getting to Windermere as planned, he decides to SOLVE THE MURDER MYSTERY with Redhead.

[...]

Lovelock: George is on the case!

Starkwell: I love that it’s her car, but George is the one that now drives every time.

Lovelock: She backed into his motorcycle.  Personally, I’d have her ride in the trunk.

[...]

[At the hospital, the newborn babies are being born with an almost HOMICIDAL RAGE.]

Lovelock: There’s no special effects there.  That’s a straight up zombie baby for real.

[Apparently the experimental pesticide makes pests go crazy and kill each other.]

Starkwell: Good God.  This movie rules.

[...]

Redhead and George continue to investigate what REALLY happened to Katie’s husband.  Redhead is convinced that a recently deceased homeless man committed the crime, George intends on setting her straight by going to the homeless man’s grave.  So… they go to the cemetery.

[...]

[George and Redhead are attacked by zombies.]

Lovelock: That’s why when the dead walk the earth, I never go to the cemetery.

Starkwell: The zombie groans are fucking terrifying.

[...]

George figures it all out.  The radiation from the experiment brought the dead back, because the nervous system goes on living after death.  And the zombies can revive other corpses with human blood, transmitting it like a virus.  I don’t know HOW he figured all that out, but he did.

[...]

[Zombies kill cop in the cemetery.  They eat his guts.]

Lovelock: This movie really has it all.  And I feel like every movie should have a guts eating scene.

Starkwell: Not sure if that type of scene can really fit in any movie.

Lovelock: Name me a movie.

Starkwell: “Million Dollar Baby”.

Lovelock: Are you kidding me?  Imagine if they all started eating her after she goes down in the ring?  Way better.

[...]

Meanwhile George tries to get the scientists to stop their experiments and Redhead goes back to her sister’s farm, only to be attacked, of course, by zombie photographer.  I belive her arm gets bitten.  She goes a bit bonkers.

[...]

[She drives up the street and gets out of her car.]

Starkwell: Why would she get out of her car?

Lovelock: Who knows.  This is the girl that backed into a motorcycle at a gas station.

[...]

The cops still aren’t convinced that there are zombies.  They still think George is the killer.  George very easily escapes police custody and rushes back to find Redhead.  Turns out she went to the hospital, which is where the morgue is, which is where the dead bodies are, which is where the zombies are now.  And so, everyone ends up at the hospital.  And now she is a zombie.

[...]

[Zombies tear open the lady receptionist's shirt, tear her breast clean off and then gut her.]

Starkwell: What is with the Spaniards and their insistence on stabbing/ripping/biting breasts in film?

Lovelock: Why mess with a good formula?

Starkwell: Wait what?

[...]

Then the cops show up at the hospital RIGHT as George finishes setting fire to all the zombies.  So they don’t see any zombies.  So they think he just massacred everyone.  So they kill George.  The film ends with the cop going home only to find ZOMBIE GEORGE!  Then zombie George strangles the cop and kills him.  It is a fucking bananas ending, terrifically depressing, and deeply satisfying, all at the same time.  But wait, where exactly is the Manchester Morgue?  Also, I guess he never made it to Windermere.

Black Magic 2.

Look, this movie has Lo Lieh in it, and zombies.  Need I say more?  After the obvious "but I didn't see the first one, won't I be lost?" joke, Starkwell and Lovelock sit, ready.  Let’s do this.

[...]

[Girls, doing laundry in a river, strip down and go swimming naked.]

Starkwell: That was quick…

Lovelock: We have a new contender for the "soonest boobies" award.

[Insanely fake crocodile eats one of the girls, slowly swims away and has rocks thrown at it by the villagers.]

Lovelock: There are, no words.

[Old Witchdoctor uses a grappling hook, a live chicken and a chant to catch the crocodile, then he cuts his stomach open and retrieves the girl’s bracelet.]

Starkwell: So… case closed?

[Funky music and opening credits.]

Lovelock: These could be the ending credits and it would already have been more fun than a lot of movies.

[Seriously the music is amazing.  They have a scene at a club and the drums were CLEARLY sampled once by the Beastie Boys.]

[...]

Then Lo Lieh takes a girl into his dungeon, strips her down and pulls a nail out of her skull and she immediately ages seventy years and drops dead.  Maybe at some point, we’ll find out why.

[...]

[Cut to a hospital full of infected patients.]

Starkwell: Did the doctor say it was from Black Magic?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but that’s why I don’t go to hospitals.

Starkwell: Right.

[Upon Lovelock’s request, I changed the audio dub to the English version.  The Australian accents are welcome.]

[...]

Lo Lieh seems to be a witchdoctor of some kind.  He just hung a bloody dead animal outside some girl’s house and now is back in his basement doing Black Magic type stuff, pouring blood on what looks like a female figurine made out of old croissant dough.

[...]

[The doctors read about Black Magic, and read about how drinking breast milk keeps a man young?]

Starkwell: Why?

Lovelock: Lo Lieh loves him some tits.

[...]

Using his Black Magic, Lo Lieh summons the girl from the neighboring mansion (one of the doctors' wives) to his basement.  He explains to her that he requires breast milk.

[...]

[Apparently she needs to eat some special oil made from her hair and she’ll produce breast milk.]

Starkwell: Why doesn’t he just cast his zombie spell on pregnant women?

Lovelock: Where’s the skill in that?

Starkwell: I didn’t realize he was being scored on creativity.

[Turns out the hair he needs is pubes, and so Lo Lieh shaves off her bush.]

Starkwell: Jesus Christ dude.

[After making an oil from her pubes and feeding it to her, there is a drawn out sex scene in the bedroom, featuring more suckling then anyone is really comfortable seeing.]

Lovelock: What. The. Fuck.

[...]

The only thing keeping them both here at this point is the promise at how potentially wacky this might get.  But they can’t help but notice we have seen far more nipples than zombies OR kung-fu.  This movie is very quickly pissing all of its potential out the window.

[...]

[The girl wakes up pregnant, with some sort of monster baby, and the doctors immediately operate and take it out.]

Starkwell: That might be the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: And you once went into the bathroom after I forgot to flush after a huge dump after eating lots of Tex-Mex... so that's saying a lot.

[...]

[Apparently Lo Lieh sells his spells to locals.]

Lovelock: Will there be a hero in this movie or… ?

Starkwell: The doctors?

Lovelock: I ain’t buying that shit for a second.

[...]

Honestly, so far the movie is much more about perverts, rapists and breast milk than it is zombies, black magic or kung-fu.  The doctors have started investigating.  They go to the graveyard to dig up a body they believe was victim of BLACK MAGIC.

[...]

[They perform an autopsy on the body and expose a bunch of worms and maggots.]

Lovelock: Did he once again say “it must be Black Magic”?

[The two doctors agree to use one of their wives as bait.]

Starkwell: Horrifying.

Lovelock: It was her idea… she’s asking for it.

[...]

[The spell works and Doctor One takes Doctor Two’s wife to a hotel room and fondles her.]

Starkwell: Careful what you wish for.

[Cut immediately to Lo Lieh sucking a tit, which then starts smoking, melting, and oozing pus.]

Lovelock: I know that I didn’t wish for that.

[...]

It’s hard to keep up, shit’s moving so fast.  But at the same time, nothing is happening.  Lo Lieh stays young by sucking breast milk, impregnating women with demon babies, and eventually melting them dead.  Then, as Doctor Two fights with his possessed wife, a random old man dressed in white, who we ave not yet seen up until this point (or maybe that was the guy who performed the stomach surgery on the crocodile), beats her with a dead cat, throws it on her and then cuts open her back and lets out a bunch of green worms.

[...]

[Old White Wizard has a psychic battle with Lo Lieh.  From miles (?) away.]

Starkwell: Did Lo Lieh just put a nail through his own cheek?

[White Wizard loses.  Dies.]

Lovelock: That character didn’t last long.

[Before dying, White Wizard ripped out his own eyes, gave them to Doctor Two and told him he must eat the eyes, in order to have wise eyes.]

Starkwell: I give up.

Lovelock: I’d cook them first.  Maybe in like a white wine sauce… he was the White Wizard, after all.

[...]

Anyways, nothing could prepare Starkwell or Lovelock for BLUE SCREEN Cable Car Fight between Doctor Two and Lo Lieh.  Describing it would never do it justice, so I won’t even try.  But let me just say, it was magical.  Black magical, if you will.

[...]

[Zombie Doctor One and his Zombie wife attack Doctor Two.  He pulls the nails out of their heads and melts them.]

Lovelock: Well, so much for saving them.

[Three zombies in robes break into Doctor Two’s wife’s room, grab her by her ankles, spread her legs straight open and begin to feast (?) on her crotch (?) .  Lo Lieh watches.]

Starkwell: Yep.  That just happened.

[...]

Then Doctor Two starts throwing voodoo dolls into a fire, and we are treated to a bunch of flaming zombies falling down stairs and off of balconies and whatnot.  And then, in like a minute, Doctor Two burns down Lo Lieh’s house, his wife cuts Lo Lieh’s arm off, Lo Lieh melts at the sight of some magic amulet that the doctor had and the movie ends.  Good luck forgetting that one.

The Night of the Sorcerers.

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been looking forward to this one for a while.  I’ve wanted to see this bizarre Ossorio pic, but more importantly, I’ve been SERIOUSLY excited to watch Starkwell and Lovelock watch it.  His “Blind Dead” films were definitely a mixed bag, so this really could go in any direction, and will likely go in all directions at once.  Voodoo zombies beheading women, who, in turn, come back as some form of bloodsucking undead peoples?  SIGN US UP.

[...]

[Film starts immediately with some kind of tribal dance ceremony.]

Starkwell: I don’t think I’ve ever seen a film look quite this bad.

Lovelock: It’s grainy AND has a purple tint.

Starkwell: Also, how fucking long is this dance scene going to last?

[Tribe takes out a euro woman prisoner, and start whipping her.]

Starkwell: Obviously they whip her shirt right off.

Lovelock: Well, it is an Ossorio film, so I’m assuming they may cut her bare breasts with a sword pretty soon.

[They take the bare-chested prisoner and lay her out on a rock and eventually, the naked ladies of the tribe chop her head off and rub blood all over themselves.]

Starkwell: Different.

Lovelock: I’ll allow it.

[...]

The ceremony was rudely interrupted by a bunch of white dudes who look like they are out hunting lions.  They shoot a bunch of the natives.  Then it cuts to the present day (I didn’t realize it wasn’t the present day before) and a bunch of euro researchers show up near the village and start setting up camp.  They’re trying to find out what is happening to all of the elephants... I think.

[...]

Starkwell: So… two dudes and what look to be underwear models are researchers camping out in Africa?

Lovelock: You wouldn’t understand.  The elephants are disappearing, and they needed to send their best team.

Starkwell: Underwear models?

Lovelock: Spain is very sophisticated.

[...]

Apparently the natives are only dangerous when there is a full moon.  There seems to be a mixing of werewolf, vampire and zombie folklore... Then randomly some local creepy dude walks up and says he “heard of their arrival”.  I’m not sure where he came from, or how he ‘heard’ about them coming, especially since there doesn’t seem to be ANYTHING around them.

[...]

Starkwell: Wait, why is she walking around with her shirt off?

Lovelock: Clearly so that they can hump near the… lake?

[Cuts immediately to ‘girl in bra brushing hair’.]

Starkwell: Obviously.

[...]

[Voodoo Zombie rises out of his rock grave.]

Lovelock: It must have sucked for that stunt man to be covered in all those rocks.

[Stupid girl wanders off on her own to… take pictures of stuff… in the middle of the night.]

Lovelock: Well, I like where this is heading.

[...]

Then there’s basically a repeat of the initial scene from the beginning, except without the dancing, the natives are zombies now, and the one doing the whipping is the undead girl who was BEING whipped the beginning.

[...]

Lovelock: Recipe for spreading the zombie love: Step one, whip her until her boobs pop out, step two, chop off her head, step three, dance and rub blood on face and breasts.

Starkwell: Or, recipe for a movie that sucks.

Lovelock: Also, is that cheap leopard print shit they are wearing supposed to be actual cheetah fur?

Starkwell: Probably.  You didn’t notice they keep showing cheetah stock footage?

[...]

Then at one point it cut to a pair of really fake cheetah heads watching them through the bushes.  But, the PIECE DE RESISTANCE was when the original undead girl and the newly undeaded girl from the night before frolic in the woods together in leopard print loin cloths.  IN SLOW MOTION.  Whispering to each other telepathically.  This was what sent Lovelock and Starkwell to the floor laughing.

[...]

[Frolicking leopard print bikini girls drown a guy in his dark room in the little water bath.]

Starkwell: Why are they talking like that?  Why are they smiling like that?

Lovelock: I think it’s those fake vampire teeth… they look mad uncomfortable.

Starkwell: Why drown a guy when you have those sweet teeth?

[The girls grab one of the other girls from the camp and return to the woods.  Whispering.  In slow motion.]

[...]

Nothing has really happened yet, and from what Starkwell and Lovelock can gather, this film exists mostly as an excuse for Ossorio to film girls running around in bras and panties through the forest.  There is only one regular girl left at this point.  The other three are leopard print bikini wearing frolicking bloodsuckers.

[...]

[Some dude gets all rapey with the surviving girl.]

Starkwell: Seriously Amando?  Every damn time!

[Girl grabs a knife and stabs the aggressor.]

Lovelock: A TWIST!

Starkwell: An incomplete rape and a clear lack of breast cutting?  This is certainly a departure for the Spanish director.

[...]

Then the dude who was killed in his dark room rises up as a zombie and goes after Survivor Girl, but she sets him on fire.  And it’s actually a pretty sweet stunt.  Lovelock did a full spin followed by eight or nine karate chops.  She wanders off into the woods and encounters her two friends, recently turned into bloodsuckers.

[...]

[DOUBLE FROLICKING IN SLOW MOTION!]

Lovelock: So are the zombies making them their bikinis?  Where is all the cheetah fur coming from exactly?

[...]

After that it gets more confusing.  I think Survivor Girl cut one of the bouncing bloodsucker’s throats… but then the zombies caught her… but then her boyfriend shows up and throws gun powder in the fire and rescues her… but then, as they drive away… SHE IS A BLOODSUCKER!!!!  And then it flashes “The End” and the DVD player immediately turns off.  Lovelock and Starkwell don’t know exactly what just happened, but they’re pretty sure they’d rather not see it again, maybe ever.

[...]

Starkwell: So… what happened to the elephants?

Lovelock: Yeah, if anything I’d think that the cheetahs would be the animal that was disappearing, given all the bikinis the zombies have been crafting.

Neither the Sea Nor the Sand.

Also known as "The Exorcism of Hugh", "Neither the Sea Nor the Sand" has a nice DVD release from 'Redemption'.  This time around we seem to have been spared the random naked lesbian vampire sequence that usually starts up with one of that company's DVD releases.  Instead, we get the menu and music accompanying it that would not sound out of place on an early episode of "Sesame Street" in one of those sequences where we learn about bottle factories or something.  This further confuses Lovelock and Starkwell as to what the film will be about.  I'm also concerned about the nearly two hour running time.

[...]

Starkwell: What's this movie supposed to be about?

Lovelock: I know two things it isn't about.

Starkwell: Please don't.

Lovelock: Neither the sea nor the sand.

Starkwell: You're an idiot.

[Movie opens up with a girl on the beach.]

Lovelock: Wait a minute… sea and sand?  Talk about false advertising.  This should have been called "Lots of Sea and Sand, totally right off the bat".

[...]

So there's this girl, and she seems to be out gallivanting with a lighthouse keeper.  She's got a husband back home though.  I don't get it.  She's SUPPOSED to be heading back home, but decides to stay behind, I assume to bang the lighthouse keeper, a dude named Hugh.

[...]

[Hugh's older brother raised him.  They live together in the house.]

Starkwell: So the older brother cooks for them, starts them a fire, cleans up, and she bangs HUGH?

Lovelock: Well did you hear how grumpy the older brother was?  No thank you!

[Then there's a big sex montage, full of skin, orgasm faces and nipple nuzzling.]

Lovelock: You're a married woman!

[In the morning, the older brother was all "SHE BETTER BE GONE WHEN I GET BACK."]

Starkwell: Awesome.

Lovelock: Is there gonna be a point to this, because we've just been watching a love affair for over half an hour?  No drama, no nothing.  Just two people being in love for half an hour?  Bullshit.

[Goofy music plays while they show a montage of the two being in love and escaping to Scotland!  Riding bikes!  Rolling around in a field! Crashing in the waves!  Doing sex!]

Lovelock: What the fuck position is that?

Starkwell: She seems to have enjoyed it.

Lovelock: Ugh. BORING.

[After the sex scene there was another goofy montage.  But this one ended with Hugh randomly dropping dead while running on the beach.]

Lovelock: That's why I'll never go to Scotland.

Starkwell: Yeah, that's why.

Lovelock: It seems to rain a lot.  And what's with all the sea and sand?

Starkwell: Well, at least the honeymoon is over.

[...]

In the middle of the night, Anna goes wandering and stumbles upon undead (?) Hugh.  He's up and walking around.  She doesn't look shocked or even all that weirded out.  In the morning they leave, to return to Jersey, without seeing the doctor (who pronounced him dead) and it is VERY clear that something is up with Dead Hugh.  He isn't talking, he's just following Anna around and staring at her.  Anna, on the other hand, still looks the same ol' bitch.

[...]

[Anna is trying to teach Hugh how to speak.]

Starkwell: Um… ?  What?

Lovelock: How is it she knows what to do with a dead guy?

[Dead Hugh telepathically (?) tells Anna that he loves her…]

Lovelock: Did she hear that or just us?

Starkwell:  Why isn't she more shocked by the fact that he is dead.

[The older brother comes home, and tries to explain to Anna that Hugh is a walking corpse, possessed, and doesn't feel anything.]

Starkwell: And now he isn't surprised either?

Lovelock: I'd like to think that if I came across a walking dead person that I'd be calm like that, and be able to be all "let's go to a priest to EX-OR-CISE him.  EX-OR-CISE."

Starkwell: I think you'd scream like a little girl.

Lovelock: What?

Starkwell: Or giggle.

Lovelock: Better.

[...]

So then Hugh runs his brother's van off the road sending him to his death, and a chime plays, and it looks as though Anna knows about it already.  It's bizarre and unclear whether or not Anna is controlling him.  What is clear is that Anna is fucking nuts and kind of an asshole.  Then they do telepathic sex, I think.

[...]

[After celebrating the brother's death over breakfast, Hugh telepathically asks Anna to kiss him and then attempts to literally suck the life out of her.]

Lovelock: And that's why you never kiss a dead man.

Starkwell: Well, that could be one reason.

Lovelock: I hope he smashes her head in with a rock next.

[...]

Hugh comes after Anna, he's all decomposing and she slashes his face up with a candlestick.  He leaves and starts walking SLOWLY towards the lighthouse.  She follows him, also very slowly.  After carefully showing her one or two mile journey / slow walk to the lighthouse, Anna and Hugh walk hand in hand into the rising tide and drown themselves.  Yeah, and then the credits roll.

[...]

Lovelock: HOLY FUCK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

The Hanging Woman.

Also known as “Terror of the Living Dead”, the film involves a strange town, Satan worship, premonitions of the apocalypse, and most importantly PAUL NASCHY in a side role as a grave digger.  The fact that Troma’s name is attached to this one, even if it is only because they bought the rights to it and released it, leaves Starkwell and Lovelock worried.  Hopefully Naschy can carry the movie.  We’ll see.  Or actually, THEY’ll see.  I’ll just document.

[...]

Starkwell: Let me be the first to say that this looks and sounds like garbage.

Lovelock: Niiiiice print.  It looks like they filmed a projection of it on the wall. A dirty wall.

Starkwell: With one of those huge video cameras that records directly onto a VHS tape.

Lovelock: NASCHY!

[...]

I’m not sure what’s going on, but some dude is hunting zombies in a cemetery…I think.  Or no, he’s going to his dead uncle’s castle.  I think he inherited the castle.  He has a bad ass mustache, a serious fucking hat and a real dreamy hair-do.  Anyways, he sees A HANGING WOMAN and flips the fuck out.  And then, because of how insane it looks, Starkwell and Lovelock also flip out.

[...]

[Then we see them perform an autopsy on the Hanging Woman?  They cut organs out of her.]

Starkwell: Ew.  Fucking ew.

Lovelock: Damn, she was stacked.

Starkwell: ...

[...]

So there’s this evil (?) girl named Nadia who calls out to Naschy asking him to “COME TO ME”.  After watching her undress herself and then put a bed sheet on over her naked body through a hole in the wall, Naschy walks into the room, takes said sheet off of her and begins fondling her.  But then he leaves SUDDENLY upset before going any further.  Then he goes to his secret lair (?) and kisses a bunch of naked dead women (?).  I think this is what is happening.

[...]

[Naschy is a grave robber.  So I guess he’s also a necrophiliac.  Robbing corpses to bang them.]

Lovelock: That’s why I want to be cremated.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.  Dude, honestly, who’s digging you up for a good time?

Lovelock: I plan on looking good before I kick the bucket.

[...]

[Mustache Guy beats the shit out of the butler and then fires a gun at him.]

Lovelock: Wait… why did he do that?

Starkwell: I think he wanted to impress Nadia the Booby Girl… but I don’t really know.

Lovelock: CHUCK NORRIS!  That’s who he looks like.  Chuck fucking Norris.

[From now we will refer to Mustache Guy as Chuck Norris Guy.]

[...]

Chuck Norris Guy humps Nadia.

[...]

Lovelock: Hey, director, less boobies more living dead.

[Scientist re-animates a dead frog.]

Lovelock: That’s not what I meant.

[...]

Lovelock just figured out that Nadia is the widow of Chuck Norris Guy’s uncle, which is kind of fucked up.  But I think the uncle left everything to Norris Guy, which explains why Nadia is trying to ride him so hard.

[...]

[Chuck Norris Guy makes Doris (the young daughter of the scientist) take off her clothes.]

Starkwell: Who is the hero in this?

Lovelock: Naschy?  No wait... the ending credits?

[...]

Oh yeah, the frog re-animator scientist works at the castle.  And now Nadia is having a séance and is trying to talk to Hanging Woman.  But THEY GET MORE THAN THEY BARGAINED FOR.

[...]

[Undead Uncle chokes Nadia the fuck out.]

Starkwell: Later bitch.

[...]

[Naschy is found dead.]

Lovelock: Oh well, definitely no one left to root for.

Starkwell: Norris Guy?

Lovelock: Rapey McMustache?  Pass.

Starkwell: I guess we'll just have to keep rooting for the END OF THE FILM.

[...]

Now the girl, Doris, that Rapey McMustache COMPLETELY DEGRADED by making her undress in front of him, is trying to cuddle Rapey McMustache.  Together they explore the castle and find secret passageways.  Lovelock said something about where “Temple of Doom” got all of its ideas from, and Starkwell laughed for five minutes.

[...]

[Chuck Norris Guy, a.k.a. Rapey McMustache, fights some zombies.]

Starkwell: You got to hand it to the movie, the zombies look pretty sweet.

Lovelock: With ten minutes of film left though.  HOLY SHIT NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.

[...]

There was actually an interesting twist wherein it turns out that “NO. 37” was actually just “LEON” upside down.  The scientist’s name is ‘Leon’.  Trust me, you don't want me to explain anything any more than that.

[...]

Starkwell: You mean the scientist Leon that has been re-animating dead frogs is the one re-animating dead people?  Shocker.

[...]

And then Chuck Norris Guy chopped off Zombie Naschy’s head.  Oh yeah, did I mention Naschy was back AS A ZOMBIE.  This was, of course, accompanied by a Lovelock jump kick.  After they burn all the zombies and kill Leon, the police and Chuck Norris send Doris off to town.  But… LOOK OUT!  That’s a zombie driving that horse carriage!  The end.  IMMEDIATELY.