Ghost Brigade.

If I told you there was a film starring Martin Sheen, Billy Bob Thornton, David Arquette, Matt LeBlanc and Corbin Bernsen, about a band of zombie soldiers during the civil war, you might think I was making it up.  Well, I’m not.  Starkwell and Lovelock are about to embark on a journey deep into forgotten pockets of some relatively well known actors’ careers, and I get to write down some of what they have to say about it.  Welcome to 1993’s “Ghost Brigade”.

[...]

Starkwell: Full screen?  That screams straight to video to me.

Lovelock: Or made for TV.

[...]

[Martin Sheen as a Union general.]

Starkwell: Man, who did he owe a favor to for this?

Lovelock: Performance – PHONED IN.

Starkwell: Isn’t that the guy from ‘Heroes’?

Lovelock: I wonder how many careers this movie started…

Starkwell: I’m actually starting to wonder how many it ended.

[...]

The plot pressed forward.  It was a decent story, but when played out with this budget, costumes from a Halloween store, sets from a community theatre troupe, and this sad display of both over acting and under acting, it was clear that it was going to fall short, no matter who is in the cast.  Still, Starkwell and Lovelock paid attention, laughing loudly at Corbin Bernsen’s boobies.

[...]

[Enter the zombie platoon.]

Starkwell: That is either the worst zombie makeup ever, or the lamest war paint ever.

Lovelock: Either way, I hate them.

[Billy Bob Thornton dies.]

Starkwell: Killer amount of screen time there, Billy Bob.

Lovelock: I guess he was still an up and comer.

Starkwell: I wonder how much this movie delayed him.

[...]

Then Billy Bob returns as a zombie, and recruits DAVID ARQUETTE, but too late, Arquette just blew his brains out.  They agreed it was the best Arquette has ever been.

[...]

[Guy plays a Jew’s harp.  We hear it for the next twenty minutes.]

Lovelock: I knew a guy who chipped his tooth on one of those.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Probably.

[...]

[Bernsen’s nephew is killed in a flashback.]

Starkwell: Twelve year old nephew? I thought that was a thirty year old woman.

Lovelock: What was the point of the drummers in the platoon anyways?

Starkwell: It seems like it was to draw enemy fire.

Lovelock: Seems like a pretty shitty job.

[...]

Then Bernsen dove into a puddle head first and came up in a mysterious cave with his zombie nephew.  Starkwell and Lovelock still aren’t sure if it’s a young boy or woman, but they both agreed that his voice was awful, and had trouble listening to his incredibly long monologue.  It was around this time that they both REALLY started to lose interest.  Between the cheesy monologues, the out of place homosexual themes between Bernsen and 'Heroes' Guy, and the schizophrenic cuts, it was really tough to blame them.

[...]

[Colonel comes back, but HE’S ONE OF THEM!]

Starkwell: That was the most obvious twist ever.

Lovelock: Wait.  It’s a trap.  Get an axe.

[Colonel is set on fire.]

Starkwell: That was the least dramatic ‘Man being set on fire’ I have ever seen.

Lovelock: This movie BLOWS.  Please end.  Now.

[...]

Starkwell: Why is Billy Bob Thornton smiling so much?

Lovelock: Probably because this was still a step up from “Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town”.

Starkwell: Was it though? Was it?

[...]

[Bernsen is ‘stabbed’.]

Starkwell: The whole ‘sword under the armpit so it looks like you’ve been stabbed trick’?

Lovelock: Yeah… that trick didn’t even look good in Elementary school plays.

Starkwell: What the fuck kind of school plays were you involved with?

Lovelock: Ones better than this movie...

[Lovelock runs away.]

The movie ends.  Hooray.  Let’s just remember that, apparently, Hickenlooper was mostly known for his documentary work.

[Lovelock comes back.]

Lovelock: Wait, where was Joey Tribbiani?

Starkwell: Maybe he skipped it for his 'Friends' audition.

Lovelock: I think he made the right call.

Poultrygeist.

I won’t lie, I’m not sure how to approach a Troma movie anymore.  This one is an actual Lloyd Kaufman production, but that doesn’t help dilute the fear I can see in Starkwell and Lovelock’s eyes.  I can’t put it off anymore.  It’s Troma time.

[...]

[Opening shot of teenagers boning in cemetery.]

Starkwell: With an opening line of “You’re the best dry humper in town”, the bar has not been set very high for this movie.

Lovelock: I’m confident that they will win us back.

[...]

Lovelock goes into every Troma film thinking that it will live up to the expectations set by the box and the trailer.  He honestly feels like 'this one will be the one', that it will change his life.  It usually does, but never for the better.   

[...]

Then zombie arms come out of the ground and grab them while they are having sex, they don’t notice. A zombie breaks its finger off in the guy’s ass, he doesn’t notice - he just thinks it's a butt plug she put in his ass.  Then they show us a guy watching them and jerking off.  Then a zombie shoves a fist up the Peeping Tom’s ass.  The zombie arm goes through his body and comes out of his mouth, grabs the underwear that he was sniffing and pulls said underwears back through his body as his torn asshole erupts with blood, guts, poo and a pair of panties.  

[Starkwell is missing...]

There was just a loose leaf paper with a note on it. "You're on your own."  Lovelock seems intent on sticking it out for the remaining ninety minutes, so I will track down anything important that he says.

[...]

Lovelock: This would work better if any of the jokes were actually funny.  I’m actually offended.  Not by the content, but by the writing.  I think someone needs to explain satire to these writers.

[...]

I could see Lovelock getting stressed out and angry at this movie.  With every passing minute it seemed to get lamer and lamer.  Someone needs to tell these writers that showing shocking and gross things just for the sake of doing shocking and gross things isn’t funny.  Also, tell them to never make a movie again.  You know when someone tries really hard to be your friend, but just ends up coming across as a phony?  That's this movie.  It tries so hard to be funny and edgy and "controversial", that really, it just ends up sucking. Hard.  It's like the movie was made by a bunch of eighth graders... but not the regular normal eighth graders, or even the class clown, or the arty kids.  This movie was made by that kid in eighth grade that thought just SAYING the word semen, or fuck, made him funny.  Boy was he wrong.

[...]

Lovelock: The black manager guy Dennis is the only good part of this movie.  And even so, he's not really any good.

[He never did anything else after this movie, probably because this film soured him on movies and ruined his life.]

[...]

Then we fast forwarded.  A lot.  Then we stopped the movie.  Forever.  Did I mention that there were lame musical numbers?  This movie deserves the 'UNWATCHABLE' tag, but will get a mark for the special effects, which were in fact disgusting and effective.  I got to stop now, just writing about this movie is hurting my brain.  Fuck you, Troma.  It was nice to see the movie end on the Troma car flip, though.

Garden of the Dead.

So I put the fucking Troma DVD into the DVD player, and there isn’t even a menu.  They force me to watch a bunch of Troma promo shit, and then it just launches into 1974’s “Garden of the Dead”.  Sit back, Starkwell and Lovelock, relax, and try to find some effective ways to make fun of this thing.

[...]

[Prisoner Gang gets high off of some kind of formaldehyde vapor.  The Formaldehyde Gang.]

Lovelock: I don’t know, prison doesn’t look so bad.  Working outside with your buddies, getting’ high.  It’s a party.

[The prison camp pretty much looks like a summer camp.  Girl in super short skirt arrives.]

Lovelock: AND there are girls?!? 

Starkwell: I think I’d rather not see that guy rubbing his dickprint.

[Guard lets guy out to see his girl and kiss her.]

Lovelock: Dude’s in prison and he gets the girl!?!?!

Starkwell: If this is at all representative of our prisons, then I’m thinking the guards need to be a little tougher.

[Inmates play poker and smoke and hang out.]

Lovelock: Man, best prison ever.

[Guy gets SHANKED.]

Starkwell: And that’s why, prison sucks.

Lovelock: Well, that and the showers.

[...]

The incredibly dark and poor quality of the print made it hard to figure out exactly what was going on, but basically The Formaldehyde Gang were escaping and were mostly shot dead.  I think some formaldehyde was leaking into a graveyard.  At some point I think Lovelock said “Fuck, turn the lights on”.  Starkwell was WISHING for some solid DAY FOR NIGHT filming.

[...]

[The Formaldehyde Gang rise from their graves.]

Lovelock: That actually looked pretty cool.

Starkwell: You can see what’s going on? Man, I can’t see anything.

[...]

[The Formaldehyde Gang finds Skirt Girl… somehow.]

Lovelock: She might have the most excruciating scream I have ever heard.

Starkwell: Regardless, I think we got the point after the first five seconds.

Lovelock: The zombie makeup is better than I expected.

Starkwell: This film’s pace is exactly as I expected.  Slow.

[Skirt Girl drives away from the zombie in her trailer.]

Lovelock: Escaping zombies while staying at home… the one major advantage to living in an RV.

Starkwell: Lack of proper toilet is definitely a disadvantage.

Lovelock: But it’s good training for the apocalypse.

[...]

The Formaldehyde Gang comes back to drink their beloved formaldehyde, and then move at ridiculously fast speeds in a frenzy of rage.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell agree that the movie would be infinitely cooler if they could see half of what’s happening on the screen.  But there an awful lot of ninja like acrobatics coming from axe wielding zombie convicts.  And then the zombies start getting shot and melting or something.  One jumped out a window, and there was a simultaneous “WOAH” from the peanut gallery.

[...]

Starkwell: So, what did you learn today?

Lovelock: Huffing formaldehyde and prison are not as fun as they might seem in the first twenty minutes of this film. You?

Starkwell: That I can’t get back the last hour of my life, and that lighting in a movie is important.

[...]

So there is this thin plot line that involves the zombies being hurt by light, but somehow, not all light hurts them, and moonlight doesn’t affect them.  It seems like it’s just the big spotlight.  Starkwell suggests that it’s some sort of psychological twist, because as escaped convicts, they do not want to be seen by the guards’ spotlight.  Lovelock seemed intrigued, but then Starkwell was like “nah, I’m kidding, this movie blows”.  Then the zombies get shot and THE END.

I Eat Your Skin.

Although Del Tenney wrote, directed, produced and completed the film sometime in 1964, this film wasn’t actually released until about 1971.  Its original title was “Zombie”, but was changed to “I Eat Your Skin” because it was tagged onto the release of “I Drink Your Blood” for a whoppingly poor double feature.  Delaying it by six or so years, completely changing the name, and combining it with an unrelated film, should be an indicator of what the studio thought of this movie.  Imagine what the audience thought.  Let’s see what Lovelock and Starkwell will think.

[...]

[Girl stripped to bra and panties, performs interpretive voodoo dance.]

Starkwell: It’s gonna be a long night.

[Enter a goat.]

Lovelock: I think the night is about to get a lot shorter for that goat.

[...]

[Novelist is surrounded by groupies.]

Lovelock: In the sixties, the novelist was king.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: No, I think it was the Beatles and other rock stars, this movie is dumb.

[...]

[Agent wants Novelist to go to Voodoo Island.]

Starkwell: Why would anyone ever go to a place called Voodoo Island?

Lovelock: Apparently because there are loads of virgin girls there.

Starkwell: He’s supposed to be the hero?

[...]

[Coral yells at her husband, the agent.]

Starkwell: If that’s her actual voice, I think she should have been dragged out back and shot a long time ago.

Lovelock: “What’s the explanaaAAAaaaation??!?!?”

Starkwell: “Would you bring me a banaaaAAana or something?”

Lovelock: “Get a load of tubbo.”

[...]

We actually started to see zombies in the film earlier than Lovelock or Starkwell had expected.

[...]

[Bug-Eyed zombie walks through trees.]

Lovelock: So many branches hitting his face!

Starkwell: Those poor actors probably couldn’t see with all that shit on their eyes.

[...]

They can’t tell if Coral is supposed to be here for comic relief.  All they know is that they hate her.

[...]

[Novelist sneaks up behind girl playing piano, sits on chair smokes cigarette and starts clapping.]

Starkwell: So creepy.

Lovelock: And yet, his rapist charm is working on her … ??

Starkwell: Who lets a creepy guy they just met mix a drink for them?

Lovelock: Most likely, girls that turn up dead later.

Starkwell: Were all women in the sixties as loose as this movie portrays them?

Lovelock: Maybe in Del Tenney’s dreams.

[...]

Lovelock: There is a distinct lack of skin eating for a movie that claims it will eat mine.

[...]

Starkwell: I love that they have the characters say “LOOK AT THAT MOON”, so that we know that it’s supposed to be the night time.  Since it clearly is shot in the middle of the day.

[...]

Lovelock: This movie should have been renamed “I Bore Your Brain”

Starkwell: Not bad…

Lovelock: “I Lose Your Interest”?

Starkwell: Better…

Lovelock: “I Waste Your Time”.

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[...]

Lovelock: Well at least the dance ceremony is incredibly long.

[Sarcasm… I hope.]

[...]

[Zombies kidnap girls.]

Starkwell: Well I guess they gave up on finding virgins if they settled on those two tramps.

Lovelock: Are those zombies, or people with mud masks and cucumbers on their eyes?

[...]

[Dance ceremony.]

Lovelock: Again?

Starkwell: That is totally the same footage as the last time.

[...]

Lovleock: Why would you equip a computer with a huge flashing DANGER sign?  … it’s like you’re asking for danger.  You’re literally assuming danger will happen enough to warrant making half of the computer a flashing DANGER sign.  That’s just bad design.

[...]

After a predictable twist and an escape from the island sequence, the movie ended and Starkwell and Lovelock both immediately said that they already forgot what the movie was about.  I’m pretty sure that isn’t a stamp of approval.  There was a sweet shot of a native island guy being shot with a flare gun and flying off the back of a speeding boat.  It wasn’t worth sitting through seventy-five minutes to get to it, but I’m pretty sure the stunt man probably drowned during filming.

[...]

Lovelock: Still, I kind of wish I was a novelist in the sixties…

Nightmare City.

Italian cult director Umberto Lenzi dove head first into the zombie exploitation genre with his explosively insane 1980 explosion, “Nightmare City”.  He didn’t care about zombie rules.  He didn’t care about good taste.  He didn’t even really care about logic or sense.  Let’s see what Starkwell and Lovelock have to say about this epic and infamous venture into ridiculousness.  EXPLOSION.  The DVD from Blue Underground looks spectacular, by the way.

[...]

[Plane full of zombies lands on runway, they raise hell.]

Starkwell: Which one of the zombies was flying the plane… and landing it?

Lovelock: Probably the Queen zombie.  In these situations, it’s best not to ask too many questions.

[...]

The whole thing is filmed almost like a slapstick comedy.  Whether or not it was intentional will probably forever remain a mystery.  Either way, Starkwell and Lovelock’s explosive laughter indicate that it doesn’t matter.  The laughter went on.  And on. And on.  This is what I was able to understand, through the thick laughter and tears.  I am not kidding… TEARS.

[...]

Starkwell: Is that a zombie or a guy with mud on his head?

[...]

Lovelock: How come some of them are eating people and others are basically ninjas?

[...]

Starkwell: Is that guy holding a mop?

Lovelock: Nice ‘no arm’ makeup.

[...]

Lovelock: Machine Gun Zombie is so calm compared to the rest.  Woah, Mud Face returns!

[...]

I know there were more awesome jokes in the mix, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying.  Also, I was laughing pretty hard too.  Then it cut to a dance show being filmed in the television studio, and I swear I thought Lovelock was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

[...]

Starkwell: Why are the camera men wearing lab coats?

[Reporter Guy cuts Dance Show to deliver NEWS FLASH.  It’s the worst looking news set in the history of sets.  News Chief cuts his broadcast.]

Starkwell: Why is he so pissed off?  How many people would have been watching that shitty dance program?

Lovelock: Italy in the early eightes?  Probably a lot.

[...]

[Zombies arrive at Dance Studio.]

Starkwell: Why is it in slow motion?

Lovelock: Because it’s so fast paced, you just might miss something otherwise.

Starkwell: Well, I wish I hadn’t seen that zombie cut off that woman’s breast and eat it.

Lovelock: You don’t get to choose what you see.  Umberto is in control.  Give in.

[...]

None of the film makes sense.  Some of the highlights from the next thirty minutes of laughter were as follows.

[...]

Starkwell: Why would the colonel introduce himself by name like that, to his fellow officers?

Lovelock: It’s so that we, the viewers, know who he is.

[...]

Starkwell: Given how many zombie ‘rules’ it throws out the window, it really is sticking to the “destroy the brain” theory.

Lovelock: Umberto doesn’t care about rules.

Starkwell: I don’t think Umberto cared much about the audience either.

[...]

Lovelock: Good thing the zombies knew how to cut their telephone line.  And somehow knew they were on the phone.  And for some reason needed to cut the telephone line.

Starkwell: I can’t tell if they’re zombies or some kind of terrorist group wearing mud for camouflage.

Lovelock: If they are worried about camouflage then that baby blue leisure suit is a poor choice.

Starkwell: It worked well at the dance studio.

[...]

The action, for the most part, is pretty relentless.  No one is safe.  Especially not Starkwell or Lovelock.

[...]

Starkwell: Luckily for the main character’s wife, the zombies, when pursuing her, are incredibly slow and decide not to use machine guns or swords.

Lovelock: The zombie speeds are inconsistent, much like the amount of mud they have on their faces.

Starkwell: Did the doctor just hit a zombie with a plastic water bottle? It didn’t look like the stunt man even knew he was hit.  And how come the surgeon can throw the scalpel with such accuracy?

Lovelock: Surgeons used to often double as circus performers, or, professional dartsmen… dartists… dart throwers… whatever that would be.

Starkwell: Why would the zombie expose that woman’s boobs before hitting her with… was that a baseball bat?

Lovelock: Did you see the size of those things?  I’m surprised they didn’t fall out sooner, or explode on impact.

[...]

The conversation continued like this for a little while longer.  Starkwell and Lovelock kept on having to rewind just so they could make jokes about everything that was happening on screen.  I believe Lovelock was the one that exclaimed that “the hospital KILL montage was the best montage of the movie so far”.  I couldn’t keep up with them, let alone the frantic action happening within the film.  I think it was Starkwell that said, at one point, quite matter of factly that, “this might be the highest body count I have ever seen in a movie.”

[...]

Lovelock: HARPOONED!

[...]

Lovelock: Eyeball gag!

Starkwell: And bare-chested woman booby kill… again.

Lovelock: It’s kind of souring me on nipples.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Well… no.  But, definitely soured on that girl’s nipples.

[...]

[Reporter’s wife starts freaking out and he slaps her to ‘snap her out of it’.]

Lovelock: You really don’t see that much any more.

Starkwell: In film or in real life?

Lovelock: Shit, both, I hope.

[...]

Lovelock: Is that a field full of zombies or a flash mob?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: A field full of zombies or a disorganized rugby game?

Starkwell: One more time.

Lovelock: Disorganized children's soccer game?

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[...]

[Reporter bashes Zombie Priest’s head.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go to church.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

Then the Reporter and wife end up AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK, where they are eventually rescued by a helicopter.  But then, Wife slips and falls and dies.  The shot of her falling is, for lack of a better word, ridiculous.  It has never been more obvious ever, in any movie ever, that it was a dummy falling, and not an actual person.  Not ever.  The lack of a face and the terrible wig really gave it away in this case.  Also that the arm fell off.  But then… Reporter wakes up, and it was all just a horrible dream.

[...]

[Reporter goes to the airport to interview a Nuclear Scientist guy.]

Starkwell: This all looks strangely familiar…

Lovelock: Was it a dream… or a PREMONITION!?!?!?!

Starkwell: Is the movie starting over?

Lovelock: Man, I hope that in the theatres they ran a director’s cut that just ran forever.

Starkwell: Yeah, like a social experiment, to see how long people would last.

Lovelock: I think I could do a day or two.

[...]

THE NIGHTMARE BECOMES A REALITY…

[...]

Sometimes movies are so bad that they are good.  But on rare occasions, such as with this cinematic gem, films are so unbelievably bad, that they are elevated to a level of mischievous fun far beyond the scope of comprehension.  This many wrongs couldn’t possibly make a right, could they?  I can’t even tell you why Starkwell and Lovelock liked this movie so much.  To be honest, I don’t even think that they could tell you.  People believe in God without having proof of its existence, and I guess Starkwell in Lovelock believe in the sheer brilliance of this movie, even without the proof of its existence.

Slither.

After penning a successful remake of “Dawn of the Dead”, James Gunn went on to write and direct a horror movie that, while it incorporates zombies in the mix, is more of an alien invasion story, a la “Night of the Creeps”.  I assume that “Creeps” was an influence on the film, since it goes for that same vintage feel.  Released to mixed reviews, let’s see how it mixes in the shaky hands of Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

[Hot blonde teacher married to creepy older dude, and he’s all creepy.]

Lovelock: See, that’s why I don’t marry men just for money.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.  Wait what… ???

Lovelock: I didn’t mean that like it sounded.

Starkwell: I don’t know, I think, like the main character just said, if you had a ‘gina, you’d marry him.

[...]

The story pressed forward and as we are introduced to a multitude of characters.  The dialogue and level of acting are well above average for this type of film.

[...]

[Creepy Possessed by Alien Slug Guy buys a shitload of meat at the grocery store.]

Starkwell: That shot is oddly reminiscent of “Messiah of Evil”.

Lovelock: I think James Gunn really likes movies.

[...]

[Sketchy white trash girl is watching ‘Toxic Avenger’.]

Starkwell: Now why would a random single mother, in a trailer park, be watching a Troma movie?

Lovelock: I think James Gunn really likes movies.

[...]

While the townfolk were gettin’ drunk ‘n celebratin’ the start of ol’ deer hunting season, Grant was off shovin’ his new alien tentacles into Trailer Trash Girl and pumped her full of his alien slugs.  It was gross, but Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t seem to mind.  Especially since our hero Bill declared his hatred for hunting in general, and got to dance with Starla.  “That guy’s alright” declared Lovelock.  But then the Impregnated Trailer Trash Girl started eating hunks of raw meat, and Starkwell added, “seriously though, this is starting to get a little gross.”  Then the action picked up and Lovelock was all "SHUT UP! But also, when are we going to see some zombies?”

[...]

[Weekend Warriors hunt Grant, who is now a slimy mess of tentacles and teeth.]

Starkwell: I’m not sure what’s more disgusting, the way Grant looks, or that the old guy said “Looks like something that fell off my dick.”

Lovelock:  Let’s call it a tie, a really disgusting tie.

[Trailer Trash Girl has swollen to the size of a hot air balloon, and explodes into a bajillion alien slugs.]

Starkwell: We have our winner.

[...]

[Girl puts headphones on in tub, as slugs surround the tub.]

Lovelock: What ever happened to mini disc players?

Starkwell: Pawn shops.  Or, land fills, mostly.

[Slug takes a hold of her brain, and she sees into the collective intelligence of the alien species.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: I bet the aliens were smart enough to jump straight from CD to MP3 players.

Starkwell: ... ?

[...]

As the people that died from SLUG IN THE MOUTH started reviving as flesh eating zombies, and the action picked up times a million, Lovelock leaped up from the couch and started doing roundhouse kicks all in the air while Starkwell sat and praised the witty banter between the characters.  It was a weird sight.

[...]

[Weird zombies merge into tentacle creature Grant and form some sort of super blob.]

Starkwell: So fucking gross.

Lovelock: Seriously, it’s all “Kaneda... HELP MEEEEEEEEEE...” Except real.

[...]

Pod people, weird reptilian creature shit, zombies, the blob, coming of age story, good dialogue, solid acting and great effects make for one big pot of AWESOME.  Starkwell and Lovelock just started the movie over again and I think I’ll just watch this time instead of writing down what they say.

Erotic Nights of the Living Dead.

The year was 1980, and with every Italian director under the sun putting out their own zombie splatterfest, seasoned pornographer Joe D’Amato decided to take it up a notch with his “Sexy Nights of the Living Dead”, and include hardcore sex scenes in it.  As we all know, when most people think rotting flesh and cannibalism, they think EROTIC AND SEXY.  This one will be a challenge.

[...]

[Funky music plays while creepy guy wanders through asylum, following nurse.  He finds her banging a dude, and then starts furiously jerking off.]

Starkwell: I’m giving this movie five minutes before I walk.

Lovelock: Hey, at least they haven’t shown penis yet.

Starkwell: When the best part of a movie is that it hasn't shown me a penis, it's time for a new movie.

[...]

Then two floozies went into a shower with a dude and his floppy dong and once it was clear that D’Amato was going to focus a lot of screen time on this floppy ol' dong, Starkwell left and assured us that he would not return.  As he was leaving, a guy was eaten by a zombie.  I think Lovelock asked him to reconsider, but Starkwell said something along the lines of “I can’t do it… dude, I just can’t do it.”

[...]

Lovelock: They focus on the zombie for five seconds, but then we have look at this guy’s fucking taint for ten minutes?  Jesus, are those warts?  I’m gonna be sick.

[...]

Lovelock left to go vomit up the feta cheese he was eating, but he said he would be back.  I told him to take his time, since it looks like we are heading towards several more sexual interludes, at least one involving Moustachio McWarty Taint.  

[...]

Somewhere just past the thirty minute mark, Lovelock talked a little about how nothing at all was happening, and that so far the movie could have been edited down to about thirty seconds.  Then a girl popped a champagne bottle open with her vagina and he had to leave to throw up again. 

[...]

[Moustachio McWarty Taint tells girl that he wants to screw again, she says “Not again”.]

Lovelock: Shit, I know exactly how she feels.

[...]

There were frequent random shots of a cat, that seemed to be living in the Captain’s mind, and it really freaked him out.  Lovelock couldn’t resist the urge to say “They sure do show a lot of pussy in this movie.”  He said it right before a lesbian scene, which made it hit home that much harder.  Then the DVD started skipping, and Lovelock said if it stops, he’ll take it as a sign from above that he shouldn’t have to finish this awful film.

[...]

Lovelock: Forget “Sexy Nights of the Living Dead”… It should be called “Non-Sexy Nights of Moustachio McWarty Taint’s Dirty Balls”.  It’s been over an hour, we’ve only seen two zombies.  We've seen as many testicles as we have zombies.  I should never be able to say that about a movie.

[...]

At one point some things, let’s call them zombies, emerged from the jungle, and the Captain scared them off with a stone that looks like it came from a hotel gift shop.  With about twenty minutes left in the movie, we finally start seeing some zombies, also, an awesome CAT ATTACK!

[...]

[Zombie is stabbed, creamy brown liquid comes out.]

Lovelock: In Italy, zombies have café latte for blood.

[...]

[Moustachio’s dong is bitten off by evil spirit girl.]

Lovelock: Well, at least we won’t have to see it anymore.

[...]

Lovelock fell asleep during an INFINITY long sequence of people rising from graves and slowly walking after our characters.  He woke up screaming saying something like “THE BALLS ARE COMING.”  But then he realized the film was over and was overwhelmed with relief.  Half of the movie was basically a bad porno, half of it was a bad zombie movie.  Unfortunately for Lovelock, when you put those two halves together you get an awful fucking movie.  One of the worst ever.

Zombieland.

Comedic zombie movies started a very long time ago.  Movies like “Zombies on Broadway” eventually made way for bizarre '70s comedies, and eventually over-the-top fare like “Return of the Living Dead” through the '80s and '90s.  It takes something truly special to stand out in today’s saturated zombie market, and few zombie comedies have really pulled it off in the last decade or so.  “Zombieland” is one of the more recent successes in the field of hilarious zombie films, by most peoples' standards.  I’m curious to see what Starkwell and Lovelock will have to say.

[...]

[Some rules are introduced.]

Starkwell: I could see that with the fast zombies, it wouldn’t take very long for the world to go to hell.

Lovelock: As evidenced by what you see on the screen.

Starkwell: Slow zombies create much harder and tougher people, because more people survive for longer.

Lovelock: Please don’t ruin this with your IDEAS.

[...]

For a while, the two didn’t say much.  Starkwell would start talking about preferring slow zombies, and Lovelock would tell him to stop being an asshole.  Slow or fast, Starkwell couldn’t help but revel in the great dialogue and top-notch acting.

[...]

[Girls con the dudes.]

Starkwell: Nice con job, but what if Tallahassee had just blown her brains out right away?

Lovelock: I guess that was a risk they were willing to take…

Starkwell: Well that’s dumb.

[...]

I’ll be honest with you.  I stopped keeping track of anything they were saying, I was too into the movie.  I’ve said it before, and I will keep saying it.  A good zombie movie has nothing to do with zombies.  It has nothing to do with gore, action or anything dumb like that.  Character.  Characters that you can relate to, root for, and like.  That’s what sets the good from the bad.  Don’t get me wrong, the film has action, but the characters and their development are front and center.  And that is how it supposed to be.

[...]

[Columbus shoots Bill Murray.]

Starkwell: Fuck, why did they have to kill him?

Lovelock: I think if they had kept him alive it would have been the best movie of all time.

Starkwell: That is hands down the best cameo I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: Best “As Himself” role I’ve ever seen.

Starkwell: Yeah, forget NPH.

[...]

[Columbus rides motorcycle into bushes.]

Starkwell: That gag never gets old.

Lovelock: Best one ever is in “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure”.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[...]

[Happy ending.]

Starkwell: The purist in me wants the ending to be depressing, but I can’t help but be so happy that it wasn’t.

Lovelock: I’m in love.

Starkwell: With this movie?

Lovelock: Oh… I meant with Emma Stone… but yeah with this movie.

[...]

Starkwell is a purist, but he is willing to forgive fast zombies.  They are both in agreement.  This movie is an absolute gem.

Zombie Nightmare.

"Zombie Nightmare" is infamously terrible.  A rocking soundtrack, Adam West, Jon Mikl Thor, and to top it all off, I recently learned it was filmed around where Starkwell and Lovelock grew up, in the West Island of Montreal.  No more waiting.  Let’s rock.  Oh yeah, randomly, Tia Carrere is in it.

[...]

[Fat Dude fights street toughs.]

Starkwell: Is he supposed to be married to that old bag, or is that his mother?

Lovelock: How did he instantly bleed from the mouth like that?

Starkwell: Maybe he had a jelly donut in his mouth.

[...]

[Thor prevents a robbery.]

Starkwell: Why would he wear a tanktop that doesn’t cover his nipples?

Lovelock: Maybe he is about to run a marathon and wants to prevent nipple chafe.

Starkwell: I wonder if he’s ever been mistaken for a woman with that hair and those hooters.

[...]

[Thor is hit by car.]

Starkwell: How did he move from the sidewalk to the street like that?

Lovelock: Probably the same way that those two guys managed to wear the same outfit.

Starkwell: Seriously, what’s with the denim?  What are they in prison?

[...]

And only a few minutes later, Starkwell cried out “I’M BOOOOORED”.  Lovelock shushed him and told him that he was sure that Thor wouldn’t let us down.  Failing that, I reminded them both that it’s a short movie.  They both laughed hysterically when the Haitian Priestess had her big scene.  “Nice voice”, said the pair.

[...]

[Thor is revived.]

Starkwell: They cut his hair after he died?

Lovelock: TAKE HIS LIFE, BUT DON’T TAKE HIS HAIR!

[...]

[Two of the punks playing tennis.]

Starkwell: Rebel punks by night… Tennis players by day?

Lovelock: Holy shit!  I know that place.  That’s where my old gym was!

Starkwell: Did Thor kill people at your gym?

Lovelock: Sadly no.

[...]

Starkwell: If I was Tia Carrere, I’d be pretty embarrassed.

Lovelock: If I was Tia Carrere, I’d be FUCKING PUMPED.

[...]

[Adam West as a police Captain.]

Lovelock: Batman has a moustache!

Starkwell: Didn’t help his acting career.

Lovelock: Well, by the mid-eighties that type of moustache was reserved for porn stars.  Mostly the gay ones.

[...]

[Punk tries to rape girl in garbage pile.]

Starkwell: The garbage bags outside of an ice cream place can’t possibly smell very erotic.

Lovelock: I’m surprised that they can just leave the bags out like that.  What about racoons?

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock talked for several minutes about how much of a dick the detective is.  And how annoying the coroner’s voice is.  And how much they wish Thor would hurry the fuck up and end this thing.

[...]

Starkwell: Why did they bother showing Thor as a kid witnessing his dad’s murder?

Lovelock: Because that’s how the hero was born.

Starkwell: No… voodoo witch made him.

Lovelock: No.  It was his Dad’s death.  Just like Batman.

Starkwell: It’s not like Batman at all.

Lovelock: That’s probably why they got Adam West, since this is basically a remake of Batman.

Starkwell: There are many levels of wrong in your statement.

Lovelock: Fucking Hollywood, and all these remakes.

Starkwell: This is the eighties... in Canada... and it's not a remake!

Lovelock: Same Bat time, same Bat Channel...

[...]

[Thor smashes guy’s head on car.]

Starkwell: You could clearly see him spitting blood at the car before his head hit.

Lovelock: Maybe he ate the same jelly donut that the fat guy at the beginning ate.

[...]

[It turns out Adam West killed Thor’s father.  And the near rape girl was actually the witch!]

Starkwell: Well I’ll be damned.  They brought it all around full circle.

Lovelock: See, now aren’t you glad you stayed all the way until the end.

Starkwell: Not particularly.

[...]

Then an impressive looking zombie flew out of the ground and killed Captain West.  It almost saved the whole film.  As the movie came to a close, Starkwell and Lovelock were partially homesick after seeing all those snippets of where they grew up.  But mostly, they were just regularsick, from having seen such a terrible movie.