Cabin In the Woods.

I’ve been pretty mean to Starkwell and Lovelock lately, so I think I’ll show them something with a little more promise.  David Goddard and Joss Whedon team up for this recent horror romp in…the woods?  We’ll see I guess.


[Two characters have a conversation.]

Starkwell: Thank you.  Thank you COMPETENT writing.  Oh how I’ve missed you.

[Lovelock was actually weeping at how engaged he already was.]


[Girl walks around her room in her underwear… with her roommate also in the room.]

Starkwell: Obviously.


Starkwell wants the two guys from the first scene to come back.  Now we’re into college kid town and the acting has taken a considerable nosedive.  Dialogue still works though.  Anyways, the college kids are heading towards a cabin in the woods.  It’s REALLY in the sticks.  Meanwhile the two guys from the opening are tracking them…we don’t know why.


[A falcon flying  next to the RV explodes when it hits a forcefield of some kind.  A forcefield that the characters don’t notice (but we do) that they drive right into and get to THE CABIN!]

Lovelock: Thunderdome, or holodeck?

Starkwell: Just shut up and watch.

Lovelock: You’re right.  It’s the Matrix.

[They arrive at the cabin and it’s WAY creepy.]


The two older gents from the beginning are watching them with an entire crew of people through hidden cameras littered all over the cabin.  They’ve also apparently been messing with the kids already, they have bloodwork on them and have even put drugs into the blonde girl’s system through her hair dye.  Interesting.  Now the whole staff is taking bets on how the kids are going to die…I think.


Lovelock: It’s like a remake of "Running Man".

Starkwell: Nope.

Lovelock: Sorry, "THE Running Man".

Starkwell: Still no.


[They play ‘Truth or Dare’, obviously, and main girl Dana is dared to go down into the cellar… that has a trap door that just swung open by itself, mysteriously.]

Lovelock: I would quit the game so fast.

Starkwell: I wouldn’t be at the cabin in the first place.

Lovelock: Yeah, but that’s because you wouldn’t have been invited, because you’re wicked lame and have no friends.

[Then Starkwell slapped Lovelock in the face.]


As the kids explore the cellar, they read a creepy diary that explains about how people were tortured and killed and shit in this cabin.  The stoner guy hears a voice whisper “KEEP READING”, at which point Dana reads the magic Latin passages anyways and then a bunch of zombies rise from their graves around the cabin.


[Apparently ‘Maintenance’ won the staff bet, that ZOMBIE REDNECK TORTURE FAMILY would be the killers.  Everyone cheers.]

Lovelock: This is my favorite thing.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

[Then Lovelock did a bunch of roundhouse kicks.]


The Stoner character, under the influence, seems to already know something fishy is going on, even saying “puppeteers” at one point.


[Blondie and Quarterback start having sexy sex in the woods, but the zombies show up and start a killin’.  The puppeteers watch and cheer.  They chop off Blondie’s head.]

Lovelock: Well that didn’t take very long.

Starkwell: Did the puppeteer guy say “show us some boobies”?

Lovelock: I don’t know but this guy’s a character.


The puppeteers also made mention that they have customers to satisfy.  They are doing a good job keeping us guessing about exactly what in the FUCK is going on.  Starkwell and Lovelock are at the edge of their seats, clutching their blankies as Stoner dies second and Dana manages to kill one of the zombies. There appear to be puppeteers all over the world conducting similar experiments, and all of this to appease “The Ancients”.


[Quarterback drives his dirtbike into the forcefield and falls to his death, Dana and Nice Guy see the forcefield and start freaking out even harder.]

Lovelock: I’d jump off that cliff.  “FUCK THIS” I’d say.


Nice Guy dies, but Dana is still alive.  Apparently whether or not she dies is optional for completing the ritual.  As the entire crew of puppeteers celebrates, and Dana is about to be killed… STONER RETURNS and saves the day.  Looks like the ‘customers’ or ‘the ancients’ are not appeased.  The puppeteers are worried, but Starkwell and Lovelock are super psyched.  Stoner finds a maintenance elevator, and him and Dana take it down to wherever it goes.


[Dana and Stoner pass by a bunch of cells containing the stuff of nightmares and end up in the lab.  A voice speaks to them.]

Starkwell: That’s Sigourney Weaver!

Lovelock: Regardless of that, this movie is giving me a fucking boner.

Starkwell: The things that give you a boner are pretty disturbing.

Lovelock: It’s not a sex boner, it’s a horror boner.  You know like when…

[Dana and Stoner press some buttons and release all of the nightmare creatures into the lab.  Horrible blood and guts and torture everywhere!]


[Then one of the lab workers was killed by a unicorn and Lovelock’s joy boner was so big he passed out.]


Sigourney Weaver shows up, she’s the mega boss!  Anyways, after explaining the situation to Dana and Stoner, they kill Weaver and decide that they will let the world end.  The film ends with one of the Ancient Gods rising up.  I’m guessing to kill everyone and end the world.  Sounds like a solid plan guys.


Dr. Orloff's Monster.

Oddly enough when I try to find this film online, it says the film is actually called “The Mistresses of Dr. Jekyll” and was released in 1964, as opposed to what Netflix is feeding me, “Dr.Orloff’s Monster” from 1967.   What’s even better, is that when I play the film, the title appears in French and coincides with what my INTARWEBS search has given me.  Considering some of the titles that they ‘suggest’ for me, I should have known that accuracy was not Netflix’s strong suit.  This is an earlier Jess Franco picture, and within a few minutes we can already see that he had a very different style than most, even at this time.


[Old man dies, passes on his research to younger beard man.  The research involves reviving dead people with a high frequency sound.]

Starkwell: Holy Hell, do they need to actually play the sound like that.

[A couple of minutes of the sound goes, dead guy rises.]

Lovelock: Never has Franco’s slow pace made my head hurt this much.

Starkwell: In other news, that was one of the worst looking castles that I have ever seen.

Lovelock: It’s only a model.

Starkwell: Dude that was real.

Lovelock: For reals?

Starkwell: Really.


The film is full of jagged cuts.  Hard to tell if it is a bad print, or how it actually always was.  But unfortunately any time the scientist uses the zombie to do his bidding we have to hear the high pitched noise.


[Zombie chokes a stripper after her show.]

Starkwell: Why did they need to choke that stripper?

Lovelock: Did you see her 'show'? Lame.


[We are introduced to a girl named Melissa, Dr. Fisherman’s niece.]

Starkwell: I feel like something is lost in translation, like what they are saying is not what they are actually saying.

Lovelock: Wait, Beardy is Fisherman?  So where’s Dr. Orloff?  What about Dr. Jekyll?

Starkwell: I don’t know, but I feel like the ‘monster’ is that awful high-pitched noise.


Melissa goes to see her uncle and he acts all “DON’T GO IN TO MY LAB EVER”.  Alarm bells are ringing, Melissa.  Other than the aunt and uncle fighting and acting weird, not much happens for a while.  Then there’s a long dragged out club scene / musical number.  Well, actually, every scene is long and dragged out.  Oh, and I think he choked the stripper to get a necklace back?  I’m not sure.


[Fisherman sends his zombie to choke out the woman from the nightclub he just gave another necklace to, and get back the necklace that he just gave her?]

Starkwell: Ok, so Beardy finds nightclub singers and/or strippers that he likes, gives them necklaces, and then kills them and gets the necklace back?

Lovelock: He probably does sex on them in between those two.  I think that’s why he gives her the necklace.

Starkwell: That’s unclear.

Lovelock: Wait, he’s not taking the necklace back?  What a waste.


The cops are brought in, and realize that the stripper and singer must have had the same killer, since they had similar amateurishly crafted necklaces.  The cops don’t buy the whole “we shot him and it didn’t affect him at all” thing that the club owners are saying happened re: the zombie.  We then find out that the zombie is Melissa’s father.


Starkwell: I don’t get why he needs to kill the women… It's not like his wife isn't already onto him...

Lovelock: “Mistresses of Dr. Jekyll”?  More like “Dead Ladies of Dr. Fisherman”.

Starkwell: “Dead Ladies of Dr. Fisherman, that’s I’m pretty sure he didn’t even bang”.

Lovelock: “High-Pitched Noise of Professor Fisherman”?

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[High-pitched noise sounds off again for a few minutes.]

Starkwell: I’m fucking done.

[Starkwell’s out.]

Lovelock: He’s not named Orloff or Jekyll, and he has no actual mistresses… Just bitches he gives shit to and then chokes with the help of his zombie and super computer high pitched dog whistle.

[Wait… Dr. Orloff was the old dead guy from the beginning?]

Lovelock: I must have missed that.  Wait, did that cop say “robutt”?  The ZOMBIE is a RO-BUTT.


Holy shit, boring.  It goes on for what feels like forever, after zombie dad gets a few more chokes in and even punches a woman in the face.  There’s a scene where zombie dad and Melissa stare at each for like fifteen minutes.  She brings him to a hotel and all of the cops shoot the shit out of his head.  The end.  Or as they say at the end of this film “Fin”.  Or as Lovelock says “you know what? Fuck you, movie”. What a mess.


Rise of the Zombies.

Just another cookie cutter zombie apocalypse movie from the mockbuster machine known as the Asylum.  Thanks to them and the "SyFy Channel", as long as "The Walking Dead" and zombies in general remain popular, we can look forward to a steady onslaught of these.  Like last year’s this was directed by Nick Lyon.  It seems like they tried to up the ante cast wise, enlisting Trejo, Mariel Hemingway and Reading Rainbow’s own, Levar Motherfuckin’ Burton.  Anyways, it hasn’t started, and I already feel like Starkwell and Lovelock hate it.



Starkwell: You know, if you’re not going to have ANY good special effects, it’s probably best not to open with a slew of special effects shots.


Anyways, I guess they’re in San Francisco, and the people seem to be trying to make it to Alcatraz.  Although neither of them are excited to continue watching, Lovelock is mildly excited that he might be able to squeeze some “Nicolas Cage in ‘The Rock’” jokes in throughout the course of the film.


[Two women watch a video transmission from a scientist with a monkey.]

Starkwell: They can afford to get a trained chimp, but can’t get decent zombie gore effects?

Lovelock: The chimp works for like, bananas.  And bananas are in season.

Starkwell: I think we’re bananas for watching this.

Lovelock: Like I said.  Bananas are in season.


[Zombies arrive on the beaches of Alcatraz.]

Starkwell: So what, they swam there?

Lovelock: Welcome to Rock.

Starkwell: Was that your Sean Connery?

Lovelock: No good?

Starkwell: You sounded like a drowning crazy person.

Lovelock: They RISE out of the water.  Hence, "Rise of the Zombies".


Then there was a horrible action sequence that made everybody laugh.  Why would you punch a zombie repeatedly in the kidneys and THEN shoot him with your gun?


Lovelock: Actually, Levar is not bad.

Starkwell: It’s hard to now if he is actually not bad, or if everyone else is just SO bad that he comes out on top.


The attention to detail is so ridiculously underwhelming.  There was a scene where they were being swarmed by zombies on the beach, and some of the actors playing zombies were falling down as if they had been shot but none of the characters fired anything at them. Nor were there any sound effects.  Starkwell vomited in his mouth a little.


[Some characters try to escape the island in a raft, zombies pop out of the water and grab some people off the raft.]

Starkwell: Well they must have thought that could happen.  If they’re able to swim to Alcatraz, what’s so tough about swimming after a raft?

Lovelock: Allow me.  FUCK YOU, ASYLUM.


If the first film was basically their "Dawn" rip off, this one is definitely the "Day" rip off, made more evident by Levar’s attempts to find traces of humanity in his zombie daughter and by how many times Starkwell has vomited in his mouth.  Anyways, the survivors that left Alcatraz split up and half of them are in some fancy house.  The other half are going to find the research done by Scientist and his Monkey from the video.  Levar stayed in Alcatraz to study his zombie daughter.


[Zombie woman wakes up off the kitchen floor, her limbs are all contorted and twisted.]

Lovelock: Why would she be on the floor twisted up like a pretzel?

Starkwell: So the director has an excuse to show off his actress and her double jointed skills?

Lovelock: Wicked lame.  Well, at least Trejo’s a zombie now.


Starkwell and Lovelock have still never forgiven Trejo for his participation in “All Souls Day”.  So far, this film isn’t helping.


[Zombies scale the Golden Gate bride.]

Starkwell: So now they’re Spiderman?

Lovelock: I hope they learn how to fly soon.


After using the magic walkie talkies to talk to Levar, Mariel Hemingway and company find a dog who has somehow managed to stay alive alone in a closed car for who knows how long.  At this point Starkwell gets up to go have a dump and informs us not to pause it.  A dog!  Just like in “I Am Legend”!  I get it!  The mockbuster power is STRONG in this film.


Lovelock: The acting is so bad that everyone sounds overdubbed.

Starkwell: Maybe they are.  I’m already confused enough by this production.

[They save a pregnant woman, but then she immediately gets bitten.]

Starkwell: Well what the fuck was the point of that?

[They cut open her stomach and pull her baby out.]

Lovelock: Oh, it was so they could save the baby!

[The baby looks all cute but then turns into a zombie and one of the characters throws it on the ground and stomps its head.]

Lovelock: Scratch that.  No point.

Starkwell: So. Many. Problems.  Can’t. Go on…

[And just like that, he was gone.]


Frustrated by the lack of “Nicolas Cage in ‘The Rock’” joke opportunities and the lack of a partner to ridicule the film with, Lovelock slouches on the couch and begins to give up the fight… he begins to nod off.


[One of the characters hops over a chain link fence to get away from the zombies.]

Lovelock: Wait… so… they can climb up the side of a bridge, but can’t climb a fence that most grade schoolers could easily climb?  FUUUuuuuUUUU uuuuUUUUCCKKK this.


Levar cuts off a chunk of his arm, and then burns the gigantic opening with a little BIC lighter.  Then he is totally fine and alert and doesn’t pass out.  Yeah that makes sense.  On the bright side, after feeding his daughter his chunk of arm, he lets is guard down and she starts eating him.  Then he blows himself up with a grenade.  As people do.  Over all, the whole cutting off arm and feeding it to zombie daughter thing, as Lovelock put it, was “the dumbest plan in the history of movie characters”.


Lovelock: So we have slow zombies and fast ones.  Swimming and climbing ones, as well as ones that can do neither.  Some with white eyes, others with normal eyes.  I say again, I await the FLYING ZOMBIES!


Lovelock: You would think if they’re going to show aerial shots of the city, they’d photoshop out all of the MOVING FUCKING CARS ON THE ROADS.

[Once would be bad enough, but it happens repeatedly.]

Lovelock: Seriously?  There are enough survivors that they’re obeying traffic lights?


[Electricity apparently kills the virus.  We are treated to a slow motion shot where a bunch of zombies have electricity running through them like a magic show.]

Lovelock: It still takes longer than a shot to the head so…


Lazy, shitty, boring, irrelevant, and completely fucking pointless, this film finally ends.  And surprisingly it ends on a positive note.  Apparently the vaccine they have works… so… yeah.  Man, that felt like FOREVER INFINITY.


Tokyo Zombie.

Based on a Manga comic of the same name, I guarantee that this will likely be one big incomprehensible pile of potential.  Whether or not this will go in the "awesome Japanese zombie movie" pile (Versus, Wild Zero…), or the "horrible the worst I hate it to death Japanese zombie movie" pile (Girls Swim Team, Stacy…) is entirely up to everyone's favorite "the Statler and Waldorf of zombie films".


[We are introduced to Fujio and Matsuo, factory workers, who train on their lunchbreak to be jiu-jitsu champs.]

Lovelock: I wish I could spar at work for fun.

Starkwell: Sure you do.

[They kill their boss and decide to dump him in Black Fuji, the mountain sized garbage dump out at the city limits.]

Lovelock: Sparring at work AND smacking their boss in the head with a fire extinguisher?  HEROES!

Starkwell: Yeah… this will end well.


In the next few minutes we see a flashback scene involving a young bare assed Fujio being spanked by a pedophile high school teacher, a shot of a person's head being kicked off of their body and flying into orbit, while still talking, and finally a bunch of zombies rising up out of Black Fuji and attacking people.  We also saw a zombie eating a dude's wang.


Starkwell: There have been more pedophile jokes and references than zombies so far.  Not exactly a promising start.


He's complaining, but they seem to both like the main characters quite a bit.  There is very little make-up for the zombies.   They basically just look like people with slightly gray faces.  Somehow it works though.  "Better that than crappy cheaply and incompetently produced Nintendo Pac-Man bullshit" says Lovelock.  Not entirely sure what that means, but I guess it's a compliment.


[Matsuo tells Fujio he has cancer, but has felt better since he started working at the factory and teaching Fujio the wonders of Jiu-Jitsu.]

Lovelock:  There should be a hundred movies starring these two guys, zombies or no zombies.  I would watch them all, all the time.


They meet a girl, but then Matsuo gets bitten.  He gives Fujio his Jiu-Jitsu robe and jumps out of the van.  As the girl and Matsuo run away from zombies, it fades to black.  Before any of us had a chance to be sad, we are treated to an animated montage explaining that Tokyo died over the course of the next few years.  Eventually there was a new society where the rich stayed alive, lived in huge towers and used the poor as their slaves and as zombie food.


[Fujio is a fighter in this new civilization that fights zombies in a ring to entertain rich elite older women.]

Lovelock: FUJIO!!!!!!

Starkwell: He learned from the best.


[Fujio returns home to the slums where he lives with the girl and their daughter (?), and talks to a Matsuo shrine he has built in his shantytown home.]

Lovelock: I still can't believe he's gone.  I don't want him to be…

Starkwell: They're the best team ever.  Even if we only got like thirty minutes of them, they are the best.  Ever.


Fujio loses his next fight, without being bitten, but nonetheless his spirit is crushed.  A single tear can be seen running down Lovelock's cheek.  Then, it turns out that Zombie Matsuo has been found and recruited by the fighting association.  Fujio must fight his former master!  Lovelock nervous farted seven times in a row.  EDGE OF THEIR SEATS.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell resisted the temptation to make Vader-Obiwan references.


[Fujio and Matsuo fight with super slow Jiu-Jitsu for like five minutes.  Matsuo starts talking to him.]

Starkwell: Wait… so he's not a zombie?

Lovelock: Is the dream team back?

[Matsuo tells Fujio he needs to kill him and move on.]

Starkwell: Wait… so he is a zombie?

Lovelock: I don't know, man… I just want the ol' gang to get back together.


Then some random group of rebels show up and starts spraying all of the rich ladies with piss and shit out of a piss and shit mini-gun.  Fujio decides to fulfill his destiny by traveling to Russia with his family, to train and become a number one man.  And then all of the zombies are released and shit starts making even less sense.  Seriously though, when the main character(s) is cool like this… who really cares?  They set it up for a sequel, and also show us that Matsuo was never actually bitten by a zombie, because the zombie that bit him had dentures.  He still thinks he's a zombie though.  He chases after Fujio as he rides to Russia.  Holy Hell we all wish that they had gotten around to making that sequel.


The Dead and the Damned.

Starkwell and Lovelock have watched exactly two movies involving cowboys and zombies and have enjoyed exactly none of them.  Let’s see if this mockbuster (???? it’s alternate title was “Cowboys & Zombies” and I guess was released to coincide with “Cowboys & Aliens”) changes their opinion on ‘western’ zombie films.  Right now their opinion is “Fuck those movies”.


[Film opens with a WILD WEST shoot-out.]

Lovelock: Looks like it was filmed at ‘The Great Escape’ in Lake George.

Starkwell: I was thinking ‘Frontiertown’.


We don’t know why everyone is after this one guy (who I assume becomes the main character), but he is wiping the floor with the posse on his ass.  Apparently he is a bounty hunter, and he’s catching bad guys.  The choice of actor was pretty hilarious.  For a tough Wild West bounty hunter, he has the most nasal non-tough voice I have ever heard.  Just when he couldn’t get any more ridiculous, it cut to a shot of him uncomfortably riding a horse and Lovelock nearly shit himself laughing.  He stopped laughing once he realized that the scene went on FOREVER and basically served as a music video for a really shitty song.


[Girl gets naked, pervert watches from the bushes.]

Lovelock: Those are some mighty big and perky implants for them ol’ pioneer times.

Starkwell: The attention to detail in this film is shocking.


Seriously, no-budget crappy films should never try and make any kind of period piece.  Story wise, some random prospectors find some kind of slimy meteorite. The villagers decide to crack open the meteor, which gasses the whole village.  I’m guessing they will all become zombies.  “ABOUT FUCKING TIME”, chimed Lovelock.


[Bounty Hunter is hunting some Native, he finds him, and they fight in the desert.]

Starkwell: Gap khakis! The choice of most Native American Warriors!

Lovelock: They look more like maternity pants.


Oh, along the way, Bounty Hunter bought a woman, we’ll call her Blondie.  Meanwhile zombies start eating people.  A girl is running away from a zombie into the woods, obviously with her shirt wide open and her tits hanging out.  I think she was hired for her ACTING SKILLS.


[Blondie needs to wash the green zombie blood off, so she strips and washes in the river.]

Starkwell: I’m starting to see a trend here.  I think I get a sense of what the audition process was probably like.

[Blue faced zombie attacks Blondie.]

Lovelock: Mel Gibson in “Braveheart”?

Starkwell: Either that or Blue Man group are really struggling these days.

Lovelock: Is Blue Man Group still a thing?


The movie is already slow as molasses, but if you can believe it, it slows down even more.  The movie actually tries to develop the characters, and a relationship between Bounty Hunter and Maternity Pants Warrior.  None of it works, the dialogue sucks, and Lovelock and Starkwell are bored.


[Just passed the one hour mark.  Only about three zombies so far.]

Lovelock:  “Cowboys and Zombies”?  We’ve seen more boobies.  More like “Cowboys and Boobies”.

Starkwell: That was weak, even by your standards.

Lovelock: Sorry.  I got nothing left.  This shit is awful.

Starkwell: Anyways, the movie is actually called “The Dead and the Damned”.

Lovelock: More like “The Movie is Bland”.


The movie isn’t even able to have consistent zombie behavior.  The zombies in the woods were like something out of “28 Days Later”, but now Blondie is being chased by some kind of blind zombie girl with a melty “Toxic Avenger” face that crawls around the floor like a dog.  Obviously melty face's boobs are showing too.


[Bounty Hunter fights a bunch of zombies in an open area.]

Starkwell: Well, this is all very pointless.

[Bounty Hunter’s neck gets bitten.]

Lovelock: Just got more pointless.

[German Bounty Hunter who was in one scene earlier in the film, shows up and saves Blondie.]

Starkwell: That’s just lazy.

[I shit you not, they run away from the village with the zombies hot on their heels, and the film sets it up like there should/would/could be a sequel.]

Lovelock: Ballsy?

Starkwell: I guess.


The end.


Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror.

Well, you all knew eventually I would get around to showing them “Burial Ground”.  I hope they’re ready.  Here’s a hint for you: THEY’RE NOT.  No one is ever really ready for “Burial Ground”.  It’s kind of like how no one is ever really ready to be punched in the scrotum.  Anyways, Starkwell and Lovelock are about to be punched in their collective scrotum.


[Day for night scene involving a dude with a huge beard exploring some ruins.]

Starkwell: It’s been a while since I’ve seen that good, AKA BAD, of a day for night shot.

Lovelock: It’s been a while since I’ve seen that good, AKA AWESOME, of a beard.

[Beardy gets eaten inside the ruins.]

Lovelock: I like what this movie is saying, so far.

Starkwell: Might be the quietest zombies I’ve ever seen.  But not heard.


In the next few minutes we are introduced to the infamous MANBOY, a weird looking grown man playing a child.  It’s generally what this movie is remembered for.  Anyways, MANBOY walks in on his parents doing it, which only adds to his overall creepiness.


Lovelock: He looks like an old woman.

Starkwell: He looks older than his “parents”.


I think the film is about three couples, one of which has their MANBOY, that have gathered at some professor’s mansion.  I believe the professor is beardy that was eaten at the beginning.  The couples all seem mostly interested in having sex at various locations in and around the mansion.  Then zombies start showing up in and around the mansion as well.  Mostly interrupting people doing sex, mostly.


Starkwell: Is that zombie blind, or is it just that the actor can’t see while wearing that cheap rubber mask?

Lovelock: At least they’re killing people already, and there are lots of them.

Starkwell: They’re killing PERSON.  Only manboy’s father has been eaten so far.

Lovelock: Yeah, but he got eaten HARD.  Still, like I said, there are lots of them.

Starkwell: Yeah but, the film makers are not making ANY effort to have a story of any kind.

Lovelock: Unless people trying to do it and being interrupted by zombies counts as a story.

Starkwell: It most certainly does not.


So far, Lovelock loves it and Starkwell hates it.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen them this split on anything.  But at least Starkwell is sticking around, for now.  The gore looks bad and quite fake, but it is plentiful, which helps keep Lovelock on board.


Starkwell: These make the "Blind Dead" zombies look fast and rabid.

Lovelock: I KNOW!  Awesome, right?

Starkwell: Totally.  If you enjoy boredom.


[MANBOY tries to make out with his mom, fondle her breasts and touch her between the legs.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: Did he just say he remembered sucking on her breasts as a baby?

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

Starkwell: Why did it take her so long to push him away?

[MANBOY runs away and is killed by a zombie.]


Professor McBeardy comes back as a machete wielding zombie and starts eating his butler.  With only ten minutes left, there is absolutely no sign that there will ever be an actual story of any kind.  Or an explanation of anything.


[They find an old church and go in, but then come across a bunch of Monk Zombies dressed like friar Tuck.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never go to church.

Starkwell: I think you’ve said that before.

Lovelock: There are always reasons not to go to church.

Starkwell: Fair enough.


Then zombie MANBOY shows up, and his mother hugs him and tells him to suck her breast like when he was a baby and starts moaning.  Like an orgasm moaning.  Then zombie MANBOY bites her nipple off.  Just as Starkwell got up to leave saying “FUCK THIS” everyone else died and the movie ended.  You have to give the movie credit for basically being nothing but zombie attacks from minute one to minute last.  But that’s as far as anyone should really go at giving this film credit of any kind.  Unless ‘oldest looking guy to ever play a young child that sucks on his mom's nipple’ is an award out there in movieland.  I don't think it is.


Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns.

Calling Masters of Horror a mixed bag isn’t really being fair to bags.  From what I’ve seen, it’s pretty much a mixed bag of shit.  “Homecoming” was great, but the rest have done little to impress Starkwell and Lovelock.  Let’s see how Carpenter’s entry “Cigarette Burns” fairs.


[Special effects by Greg Nicotero!  Starring the dude that plays Darryl on AMC’s hit show “Walking Dead”.]

Lovelock: This one already has a lot more promise than the others.

Starkwell: UDO KIER!!!!


The story is pretty nuts.  A semi-famous and reclusive director hires a theater owner, Kirby, to find a rare cursed magical film out there called “LA FIN ABSOLUE DU MONDE”, believed to be out of print and/or non-existent.  The one official screening on record caused the entire audience to go insane.  Anyone who talks about it, tries to find it, catches a frame of it, slowly goes bananas and starts seeing things.


Starkwell: Knowing what he already knows, why would you want to see the film or have anything to do with it?

Lovelock: The ‘Manos’ crew all went nuts and yet, Mystery Science Theater went after that one.

Starkwell: Fair enough.  But there’s a difference here, especially since he just saw some kind of demon that apparently came out of the film.


[Kirby starts researching the film, and having acid flashbacks of his dead girlfriend.]

Lovelock: Dude, TURN BACK NOW.

Starkwell: If he just spoke French, he may know that he is likely bringing forth the end of the world.

Lovelock: The absolute end.


Intrigued, entertained… Starkwell and Lovelock are FULLY GLUED to the screen.  It’s like a cool horrible private eye short.  It’s pretty sweet, to be honest.


[Kirby is drugged by French guys who are looking to make a snuff film STARRING Kirby.  They chop a woman’s head off right in front of him.]

Starkwell: Holy shit dude.

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go to France.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

[Kirby blinks and suddenly he is free and apparently he murdered the Eurotrash with the machete.]

Lovelock: WHY DIDN’T THEY SHOW THAT.  Dammit.  Fucking dammit.

Starkwell: Darryl for the win.


[He meets the wife of the EVIL FILM’s director, who informs Kirby that SATAN produced the film.]

Lovelock: Produced by Satan… damn that’s metal.

Starkwell: I would love to hear the soundtrack.


So he gets the film and brings it back to the reclusive director.  Eventually Kirby goes back to the guy’s house to retrieve the film.  Asian butler greets Kirby at the door and then stabs himself in the eyes.  Kirby goes to find the director who is in the process of running his intestines through the movie projector.  Then Kirby blows his brains out and the demon from the film takes the reels and walks away.  Starkwell and Lovelock can’t figure out if they were more horrified by the film’s images, or by the fact that it made no sense.



I haven’t really heard much about the recently unleashed “Biophage”.  I know that it has a short running time, which, for the most part, Lovelock and Starkwell tend to appreciate.  Let’s see how this plays out.  Shot in glorious FULL SCREEN.


[Film opens with black and white picnic sex dream sequence, that ends with the booby girl biting the main character.]

Lovelock: Might be a new record for “SOONEST BOOBIES”.

Starkwell: Not entirely sure they should be proud of that.  Why’s it in black and white?


The film starts off and the outbreak is already in full effect.  We appear to be following some military types (a soldier and a doctor) as they do some kind of mission to the CDC, which actually looked like it was most likely one of the producers’ backyards.  Then they show the two of them walking alongside a railroad track and Lovelock falls asleep for a little while.


[They stop for dinner at a farmhouse.  The old farmer feeds them… PEOPLE.  Then there’s a gunfight.  Farmer dies.]

Starkwell: Arguably the worst gunfight I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: You know, the doctor loved the meat, but then he finds out its human and vomits?

Starkwell: Wouldn’t you?


Then they replay the booby dream and Starkwell is like “Yeah, because we didn’t get it the first time.”  I should mention, we’re already halfway through the movie.  Somehow, we’ve only seen one zombie, and yet we’ve seen that sex scene twice.  Eventually we see more zombies, and to be fair, they don’t look that bad.


Starkwell: Of course there’s a crazy Southern Reverend with an eyepatch.

Lovelock: Of course he has a sexy assistant.

Starkwell: Obviously sexy girl helps free them.

Lovelock: Yeah dude, sexy people CAN’T be bad.  Don't you know anything?

[Then they made fun of the acting for a while.]


[Horrible fight scene between doctor and soldier, girl dies by zombie, girl kills doctor.]

Starkwell: Was that the director’s way of being all “Guess what?  There’s no point.”

Lovelock: I don’t think he thought that far ahead.

[Soldier makes it to the lab, everyone’s dead.]

Lovelock: High tech lab, with the oldest computers ever.  Who still has those old-style monitors?  It's the size of a smart car.

Starkwell: And a map stapled on the wall?  It’s all very official looking.

[Soldier kills his zombie wife and starts crying, roll credits.]

Starkwell: What a story.

Lovelock: I bet the book was better.

Starkwell: There is no book.

Lovelock: Exactly.


This is another fine example of a relatively new and fully bad zombie movie, lending more credibility to Starkwell’s claim that the low budget zombie genre is as stale as Melba fucking toast, and basically died in the early nineties.  Digital bullshit and iMac Nintendos killed good old fashioned backyard horror.  His words, not mine.  Lovelock said “bad, but still watchable and, hey, at least it was short.  What a review.