Zombie Cop.

I won’t lie, I’m pretty psyched to watch this one with Lovelock and Starkwell.  J.R. Bookwalter was the man behind “Dead Next Door”, which was a pretty fantastic, while still being completely fucking terrible, backyard horror film.  Starkwell wasn’t able to get through the whole thing, while Lovelock couldn’t help but marvel at the gore and ridiculousness.  Let’s see where his follow up falls.  I should mention, let’s see where his ZOMBIE follow up falls.  Because his actual follow up to “Dead Next Door” was a movie called “Robot Ninja”, which I think we all can agree is probably amazing...ly bad.

[...]

[Definitely a shot on video film.   The intro is just squiggly lines that look like a Windows ’95 Screen Saver.]

Lovelock: Music by “Porn Music Guy from the Early Nineties”.

Starkwell: Shot in beautiful 4:3 on VHS Camcorders.

[The director used a different name for the Director slot.  Not starting off well.]

Lovelock: Lance Randas?  Between that and the music... Are we sure this isn’t porno?

[...]

[Some “voodoo” priest cuts his arm with some special effects that would embarrass magicians at childrens’ birthday parties.]

Lovelock: So many closeups… of teeth.

Starkwell: If every scene is as unnecessarily long as this one, we are in for some real-

Lovelock: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[...]

Anyways, two cops show up to apprehend Voodoo Priest, and after some terrible acting, one of the cops AND the Voodoo Priest both die in a shootout.  Arguably the lamest shootout ever.

[...]

Starkwell: So the voodoo priest would have pictures of zombies that he printed out on computer paper hung on his wall?

Lovelock: And movie posters?

Starkwell: And he has a subscription to Playboy?

Lovelock: Vood priest named "Death", keeping it real classy.

Starkwell: The ladies must love his pad.

[...]

Anyways, then we are treated to a half decent “Zombie Cop rises out of his grave” sequence.  After some more of the shittiest acting I’ve ever seen, the basic plot is that the “Zombie Cop” wants to recruit his former partner in an attempt to stop Zombie Voodoo Priest Guy from taking over the world?

[...]

[Zombie Cop hits the town looking for information.]

Lovelock: Those two “punks” are easily the lamest looking thugs in the history of cinema.

Starkwell: What the... Ok, I’m out.

[...]

Starkwell walked out because the actor portraying the “INDIAN” convenience store owner was a white guy with brown paint all over his face.  With a towel on his head.  An actual towel.  It is the most racist thing I think I’ve ever seen in a movie.  I honestly wish I was joking.  Then one of the thugs called him “towelhead”.  There are also SO MANY forced horrible one-liners.  This movie is embarrassing.

[...]

Lovelock: At least “Dead Next Door” had blood and guts.

[...]

Lovelock: So the cop also has movie posters on his wall?

[...]

Lovelock: Did that guy just tell the cop to stick his badge “up the rear”?

[...]

It gets worse.  There’s another scene with the fake Indian guy.  This time they didn’t even paint his face brown.  But he does have a bunch of dialogue wherein he speaks in an insanely offensive accent.  Also, he says his name and his name is all “gibberish” and super long.  Then there’s a shot of a guy watching “Robot Ninja”.  Bookwalter gives HIMSELF a shout out.  Man, fuck J.R. Bookwalter.

[...]

Lovelock: The kids playing on that soccer field look really confused as to why there are people with camcorders filming a really shitty and slow chase between a guy in a cop outfit and a guy in a Jamaican outfit.

[...]

You know what else is bad in this movie?  The editing.  The music.  The writing.  The everything.  Just a well-rounded painful turd.   The end.  And by the way, the last scene is another scene starring racism.

Maniac Cop 2.

Another Lustig movie about a vigilante… I definitely know that Lovelock and Starkwell head into this one with the expectation bar at least somewhat raised.  They enjoyed the first installment, and they definitely like some of writer Larry Cohen’s other endeavors, such as “The Stuff”.  While they found “Uncle Sam” to be a bit of a stinker (I mean, how many times can you re-brand the same movie), this one came in well before that, so maybe it won't feel quite so tired.  Also, I mean, come on, Bruce Campbell is in it.  So, yeah.

[...]

[Bruce Campbell fights Maniac Cop.]

Starkwell: I always thought Campbell was kind of a Streisand, but he’s rocking the shit in this one.

Lovelock: Wait what?

[Maniac Cop drives a truck off a pier with Campbell hanging onto the side of the truck.]

Lovelock: WOAH!  STUNTS!

Starkwell: I miss watching movies where you get to spot the stunt doubles.  Nice wig!

[...]

If you haven’t seen the first one, all you really need to know is that Maniac Cop is a vigilante zombie cop who just don’t know when to quit.  Something tells me that, although he just took a huge pipe through the chest, he’s coming back.  The something telling me that, is that this is called “Maniac Cop 2” and we are only two minutes into the film.

[...]

[Maniac Cop stops an armed robbery, but kills the clerk and gives the gun back to the perp.]

Lovelock:  I don’t get it.

Starkwell: What’s with all the smoke?

Lovelock: Will there be a story in this movie, or… ?

[...]

Bruce Campbell and Blondie are arguing with the police commissioner about whether or not the Maniac Cop really is the undead dude they think it is.  Blondie starts FREAKING OUT.  Then five minutes later they kill Campbell and the guys are all “DA FUCK”.

[...]

Starkwell: Is it really necessary to focus on the dead naked girl’s boobs for so long at the morgue?  They’re there to identify Bruce Campbell’s body…

Lovelock: I’ll allow it.

Starkwell: Dude, weak.

[...]

There doesn’t seem to be any real method to Maniac Cop’s madness.  I mean I get that he killed Bruce Campbell, but the guy in the corner store?  Now a cop towing away some douchebag’s car?  What the shit?

[...]

[Maniac Cop throws Blondie through a window and then she goes after him with a chainsaw.]

Starkwell: What does she expect to do with that?

Lovleock: I don’t know but she has some seriously crimped hair.

[Maniac Cop immediately breaks her neck.]

Lovelock: Hashtag chainsaw fail.

Starkwell: Never again, please.

[...]

Then the Police Psychologist Woman, handcuffed to a car’s steering wheel goes flying down the highway… on the outside of the car.  Say what you will about the movie, but there are some pretty righteous car stunts littered throughout.

[...]

[Strip club scene.]

Starkwell: Why is this scene so long?  Why are the strip club scenes always so long?

Lovelock: Like you don't know.  More important is, who is this fucking guy they are focusing on?

[This movie is developing a side story now, even though the main story is barely developed.]

[...]

So the guy at the strip club is a Serial Killer who’s been killing strippers.  As he is about to kill another stripper in her apartment, Maniac Cop show up, throws the girl into a wall and saves the Serial Killer from the police.  Seriously, what the fuck, they become buddies and plan to kill together?

[...]

Lovelock: I feel like the theme from “Perfect Strangers” should start playing, at this point.

[...]

Then there is a flashback to how Maniac Cop died in prison, and for whatever reason, it just had to be in “stabbed while naked in the showers by some shirtless inmates”.  So we get plenty of Robert Z’Dar ass shots and some almost side peen.  Why did it have to be in the shower?  And why were the prison showers so dark, open and cavernous?

[...]

[The cops go around to some neighboring strip clubs to look for the guy.  They find him at the first strip club they go to.]

Starkwell: How convenient.

Lovelock: How did this guy manage to kill so many strippers and get away with it if he is so dumb?  FUuuUUCK the cops in this movie’s universe are inept.

[...]

Then Maniac Cop goes to the police station and kills basically everybody and frees his Serial Killer Buddy.  It’s a fair amount of bullet action and gore, but I still don’t really see what his end game is, other than killing everyone that potentially put him behind bars in the first place.  Also random people.

[...]

[Maniac Cop and Serial Killer steal a prison bus and break into prison… ?]

Starkwell: So, no one reported that the prison bus was stolen and that MAYBE the prison souldn’t let the bus in?

Lovelock: Remember what I said about the cops in this universe?

[So I guess he is going after the people that shower-shanked him in prison.]

[...]

After a pretty sweet fire stunt, Maniac Cop kills his killers and flies out the window down a bunch of flights into a bus, which then explodes.  It’s THE DEFINITION OF BLAZE OF GLORY.  The story may have lacked some imagination, and had a whole slew of useless bits, like the Serial Killer Guy (why was he even in this?), but man, the action and stunts were tight. Can’t wait to show them part 3.

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Kids' Shows with Zombies in Them.

Burt just sent me an email out of the blue, complaining about Kids' Shows with zombies in them.  This might have to do with  the fact that I recently heard Burt Malone is gonna be a father soon.  I think he’s frustratingly trying to find something he could watch with his kid other than the standard fare.

[...]

HOLY SHIT Kev, where to start?

First, I tried watching one episode of “My Babysitter’s a Vampire” and it made me throw up all over my own face.  The first episode starts and it’s as if I’m supposed to already know who these two fucking knobs are.  Saying shit like “newbs” and “spellcaster” and “vampire killing”.

Like all shows about teenagers, the plot revolves around a guy doing what he's gotta do to try to get into girls' pants.  He may not know that’s what he’s doing, but that’s what he’s doing.  In this case that means bringing her dog back to life.  And then one character was like “Harry Potter would be ashamed” and then I’m pretty sure there was a foghorn sound, and then this theme song starts that sounds like a terrible Sugar Ray B-Side, and I stopped watching.

I did however skip forward to the actual “zombie” episode, and it was even worse than I thought it would be.  Truth be told, I probably would have liked this show if it were on when I was a kid.  That’s not saying much though, because I used to look forward to watching TGIF.

Step by step.  Day by day.  Moving right along.  

I decided to give R.L. Stine’s “The Haunting Hour” a shot, and I must say, this one was much more delightful.  It helped that the zombie episode I watched had the kid from “Modern Family” in it.  Eventually the kid reanimates a corpse (?), and honestly, the makeup job is sweet, and it’s fairly scary.  If my TGIF watching self had seen this, I’d probably have shit my pants.

The story plays out like something in between “Re-Animator”, “Frankenstein” and, well, “Lassie”?  One lame thing though, “The Haunting Hour” is only a thirty minute show, which I think might be confusing for children.

Cheeky the zombie likes the Home Shopping Network!  And in the end we even get to meet his zombie mom!  It’s all fairly cool.

This R.L. Stine show got me thinking about that “Goosebumps” show from twenty years ago.  There was a two part ‘living dead’ type episode where all the townspeople are poisoned by some kind of chemical disaster.  Part one is slow moving and boring.  It picks up a little bit in part two but I can’t help but feel that most kids, if they aren’t too afraid to watch this kind of show, will not have the required attention span to sit through it.  Nice to see the Canadian landscapes though.  Like in the newer R.L. Stine show, the zombies look pretty sweet, although the “SPECIAL EFFECTS” when the zombies steam/dissolve/die in the sunlight are PISS POOR.

Apparently there’s a movie coming out called “Goosebumps” where Jack Black plays R.L. Stine.  So that’s something to… look forward to?

After “Goosebumps” I tried watching “Frankenweenie” but fell asleep eating a sandwich.  I mean the plot is like a combination of that FUCKING “Vampire Babysitter” episode I watched and the more enjoyable “Haunting Hour” (this may not be accurate though, I feel asleep very quickly).  Why is it that in kid-friendly horror stuff they always bring dogs back to life?

I would like to say, however, that what I saw of “Frankenweenie”, was actually quite good, and the animation kicked fucking ass.  I don’t blame the movie for my falling asleep, I blame the genoa salami.  Also I ended up having nightmares.  Again, not from the movie, probably from the genoa.  Stupid nightmare sandwich.

If I follow YOUR scoring style, I'd have to give the babysitter show a 1/4, "Haunting Hour" and "Frankenweenie" a 3/4 and the old "Goosebumps" a 2/4.  But since I don't follow YOUR scoring style, I will give the babysitter show a "FUCK YOU", the haunting hour gets a solid "MEH", "Goosebumps" gets the honorary award for "90's haircuts and mom jeans" and "Frankenweenie" gets a Tim Burton.

IN CONCLUSION.  I think I’m better off waiting until the kid is older, and just introduce him to real zombie movies right off the bat.  How old is old enough to watch Fulci movies?  Six?  Definitely by seven, right?  In the meantime, I’ll just show him Looney Tunes cartoons.

That’s it, I’m actually gonna go watch some cartoons now.

[...]

He should have also watched “Paranorman”, which was actually pretty awesome too.  Good luck with the baby Burt Malone.  Try and squeeze in some time to write me, from time to time.

Death Becomes Her.

Robert Zemeckis doesn’t really need an introduction.  Let’s face it… the guy did the “Back to the Future” movies.  This movie came after that trilogy (as well as after “Who Framed Roger Rabbit”).  The movie that followed "Death Becomes Her" was “Forrest Gump”.  While I hardly feel that this movie will show itself to be the missing link between Marty McFly in the wild west and ‘life is like a box of chocolates’, I hope it will, at the very least, be fun for Lovelock and Starkwell.  They don’t often get to watch movies starring Oscar winners and John McClane with a mustache.

[...]

[We are introduced to Meryl Streep as a hammy musical actor.  The film opens with a musical number from her failing musical.]

Lovelock: Wait, Glenn Close is in this movie?

Starkwell: Every damn time.

[...]

Anyways, no one in the audience seems to be impressed with the play, except for Bruce Willis, who, armed with an almost-mullet and horrible mustache, cheers wildly.  He plays nerdy plastic surgeon Ernest.  Most everyone else has walked out.  Ernest and his fiancée Helen, played by Goldie Hawn, go backstage to meet Madeline (Meryl Streep), the washed up actress.

[...]

[Eventually, Ernest leaves Helen and marries Madeline.]

Starkwell: Well that was… quick?

[Flash forward seven years.  Helen is a fat depressed cat lady with a shitload of cats, and she sits around watching TV and eating tubs of ice cream.]

Lovelock: I’m sorry, but Bruce Willis with a mustache is just not worth it.

[She is CLEARLY obsessed with murdering Madeline, and gets evicted from her apartment and committed to the ol' loony bin.]

Lovelock: What in the…

[Wait… Ernest is no longer a plastic surgeon… instead he is a mortician?]

[...]

Then it flashes forward to yet another seven years later.  Fourteen years and no one has aged AT ALL.  It appears that Ernest and Madeline are no longer happy.  Surprise surprise.  Madeline goes to some kind of super secret spa where the clinicians (?) dress like porn stars and talk like bad actors trying to sound like French people... German people? … Not sure.  Anyways, Helen has lost the weight and has invited Ermest and Madeline to her book launch party.

[...]

[Madeline sees Helen, looking all thin and beautiful, and says it has been “12 long years”… except that we know it has been 14.  Which is weird.]

Lovelock: Some Oscar winner… she can’t count?

[...]

After being rejected by her young loverboy (I assume she cheats on Ernest a lot), Madeline goes to the super secret castle / laboratory that the eurotrash secret spa owner told her about (?).  Meanwhile Helen goes over to Ernest’s house to almost bang him and plan Madeline’s murder with him.

[...]

Lovelock: I would like it if death become her a little quicker.

Starkwell: Nice.

Lovelock: In fact, let's have some death all around.  Please. Now.

[Ernest forgoes the plan laid out with Helen, but instead, throws Madeline down the stairs.]

Lovelock: SWEET. 

[Madeline gets up, all mangled like a pretzel, with her head backwards.]

Lovelock: That, surprisingly, looked fucking amazing.

[...]

They go to the doctor’s office, and it is quite apparent that Madeline is dead, as she feels no pain.  But since she is walking around, she is UNDEAD.  Lovelock and Starkwell rejoice.

[...]

[Dressed like the world’s lamest cat burglar, Helen follows Ernest around.]

Lovelock: Why is she wearing sunglasses at night?

Starkwell: Who knows.

Lovelock: She probably thinks "if I can't see them, they can't see me"... like an infant would think.

[...]

Eventually Helen finds her way back to Ernest’s house and Madeline shoots her with a shotgun, but she ALSO GETS UP.  In what is probably the best line in the movie, Bruce Willis yells out “IT’S ANOTHER MIRACLE.”  It doesn’t sound that funny out of context, but Lovelock and Starkwell replayed it several times.   The movie has been quite boring, I should add.

[...]

[Helen took the same potion, as it turns out.]

Starkwell: So… they both knew about the super secret castle thing?

Lovelock: Well, it is a movie.

[...]

[Madeline and Helen fight for like a minute, but then they make up and are best friends forever.]

Lovelock: So that’s it?

[They force Ernest to make them look beautiful again.]

Starkwell: Might be the lamest zombies ever.

[They bring Ernest to the super castle where they try to give him the potion… he decides not to.]

Lovelock: Dude, why not!?!?!

Starkwell: Watching everyone you love die, eternal loneliness… he makes some solid points.

Lovelock: Whatever dude, I’d totally be Wolverine.

Starkwell: How’s that work?

Lovelock: LIFE IS LIKE A BOX OF CHOCOLATES.

Starkwell: Let me stop you right there.

[...]

37 years later, Ernest died.  He went on to do a whole bunch of amazing things and then the movie basically says the only way to live forever is to live on in the people that you love.  Ain't that sweet?  Then Meryl Streep and Goldie Hawn show up, fall down a flight of stairs and shatter into a bunch of pieces. So… lesson learned?  There are a lot of holes in this movie.  They cover up most of them by 'flashing forward' a number of years.  You don't need to explain HOW Madeline found success again, you can just say 'seven years later' and let the audience make up the rest?  What is this, a 'choose your own' adventure book?  Lazy.  As a short film, this movie would have worked.  There just ain't enough meat in there for a full length, in my opinion.  Starkwell agrees.   Lovelock doesn't care.

The Boneyard.

Right off the bat, the DVD looks cheap.  The menu is atrociously grainy looking, which only tends to make us all believe that the movie will look like shit.  Already, from what I have read, this film is a mixed bag of insanity, so a cheap copy should only help make it all the more insane.  The film starts off with some seriously aggressive music, complete with horns that wouldn’t sound out of place during a Clouseau – Kato fight scene.

[...]

[Old dude in a hat investigates a house… silently?]

Starkwell: Not everyone can pull off a bucket hat.

Lovelock: And?

Starkwell: This old dude is ultimately not pulling it off.

Lovelock: He is dressed exactly like Clouseau.  The problem is, he ain’t funny.

[Old Detective has a partner, Young Cool Guy.]

[...]

[Young Cool Guy snoops around a room, and then a creepy chunky woman attacks him, with a pillow?]

Lovelock: Only in movies do pillow fights result in so many feathers.

[...]

Then there was a scene where the chunky lady, that the Young Cop calls ‘the witch’, asks the cops to leave her house and then glances directly at the camera, as if to say “did I do ok mister director?”.  And it was GLORIOUS.  And Lovelock and Starkwell laughed for about a year.  Apparently the Witch is a psychic that the cops sometimes use to help with their unsolved cases.  I should mention that the Witch is one of the worst actors I’ve ever seen.  But in that really AMAZING way.

[...]

Lovelock: This is CLEARLY where “The Medium” got most of its ideas.

[...]

[The Witch has a nightmare about a zombie kid giving her a hug.  It goes on forever.]

Starkwell: This is going to be one dragged out movie.

Lovelock: Why is she letting that thing hug her?  I’d be like “Ew gross get it off”.

Starkwell: I love that the zombie kid hug dream was enough to get her to help the cops with their case.

[...]

As bad as she is, the Witch is starting to grow on Lovelock and Starkwell.  Her acting is terrible, but still, she looks like she is trying SOOOO hard.  That level of failure is phenomenally fun to watch.  The case she is helping with involves some dead children and a Chinese Mortician, who is apparently behind it all… So what do they need her for?

[...]

[They go to the coroner’s office with Witch and meet Miss Poopinplatz.  Yeah.  That’s her name.]

Lovelock: What’s the point of the Young Cop?  He hasn’t had a line yet.

Starkwell: Poopinplatz?!!?

[...]

It’s such a fucking slow moving film.  Holy balls.  But then Witch holds a lock of hair from one of the dead kids and the vision that she has is nothing short of spectacular.  It involves superracist Chinese Medicine Man and MORE zombie kids.

[...]

[Turns out the zombie kids were real, and in the coroner’s office.]

Lovelock: Now we’re talking!

Starkwell: To be honest, the zombie kids look pretty gross.

[Witch tries to go and warn them about the ZOMBIE KIDS ON THE LOOSE.]

Starkwell:  You got to hand it to a movie for going with “overweight tomboy uggo” as their lead female heroine character.

Lovelock: I see where “Push a Novel by Something Something” got its idea from.

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

Witch finds the zombie kids eating a bunch of corpses.  The effects are actually pretty awesome, and sort of scary.  Meanwhile, there is a girl who was dead after killing herself in the bathtub, and about to have her autopsy done by the coroner, who suddenly comes back to life?  No explanation.  Seems like a lazy way to get a better looking love interest for the Young Cop.

[...]

[Zombie kid runs through the air vent over her head and then taunts Witch with a doll.]

Lovelock: Just fuckin’ chop them up with the axe!

Starkwell: How are they making that noise?  It sounds like radio feedback.

[...]

Once this initial wave is over, it takes a while for anything else to happen again.  I should mention that we are about to hit the one hour mark.  It just seems like a shame to have such rad looking zombie kids and not utilize them more.

[...]

[Poopinplatz vs. zombie.  Poopinplatz dumps acid on zombie.]

Starkwell: Hold on… Poopinplatz won?!??!

[Melting zombie pops back up and smears ooze all over Poopinplatz IN THE FACE.]

Lovelock: Not so fast Poopinplatz.

Starkwell: They keep bitching bout the elevator, can’t they just take the stairs?

Lovelock: Dude, Fatty McWitch don’t exactly look like someone who “takes the stairs”.

[Meanwhile, Poopinplatz has been vomiting endlessly into a sink.]

[...]

Then Poopinplatz turns into a HUGE rubber monster and kills the one random black dude that just showed up and the coroner.  She eventually is electrocuted to death.

[...]

Lovelock: The movie should have just been called Poopinplatz.  And Poopinplatz should have been more prominent all throughout.  Less Fatty McWitch, more POOPINPLATZ!

[...]

At this point everyone is dead except the two cops, the Witch and the random Suicide Girl.  But then, Poopinplatz’ poodle, who was running around the coroner’s office, ate sone melted zombie guts and has turned into a super demon, just like Poopinplatz.

[...]

Lovelock: POOPINPLATZ POODLE!

Starkwell: This movie is bananas.

[...]

The Poopinplatz Poodle demon is really just a dude in a demon poodle suit.  Kind of like a gorilla suit but so much more.  Witch ends up one on one with the poodle and blows it up with a pipe bomb that just happened to be lying around the coroner’s office.  The fucker blows up like the DEATH STAR.  And the whole building collapse.  And yet, somehow, they all managed to be out of the building and at a safe distance.  Then the movie ends.  No explanations about ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED.  No explanation about why the girl suddenly CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD.  It just ends with Young Cop and Suicide Girl and Witch and Old Detective hugging and laughing.  Completely fucking insane.

Cemetery Man.

Also known as “Dellamorte Dellamore”, this artfully crafted Italian picture stars Rupert Everett in the role of “Francesco Dellamorte”, or as he is known by most, the role of “lucky guy who gets to be with the disturbingly hot woman, repeatedly”.  The movie is surreal, weird, funny, shocking and all around fun.  But I’d be lying if I said that I one hundred percent understood the whole thing.  Either something got lost in translation or… I don’t know.  But I’m anxious to see the reaction it will get from Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

[Francesco answers his door dressed only in a towel, it is a zombie at the door, he blows the zombie’s brains out.]

Lovelock: Quite literally starting with a bang.

Starkwell:  Excellent effects too.

[...]

Seems Francesco is used to the dead coming out of their graves, and often has to re-kill the dead and then re-bury them.  It’s a dirty job, but I guess someone has to do it.  Thankfully for us it is the AWESOME Francesco.  And we get to watch.  While burying one zombie, another zombie comes at Francesco and his sidekick Gnaghi, and Francesco drives a shovel through its skull.  Lovelock looks like a kid in a candy store who just started eating all of the candy.

[...]

[Francesco sees a woman, played by Anna Falchi, at a funeral and seems, well, SMITTEN.]

Lovelock: I don’t blame him for staring, HOLY COW.

Starkwell: Easy boy.

Lovelock: Wonderful gore and violence, and now, wonderful… NUDITY.

[I should mention that she comes back to visit her husband’s grave two days in a row, and Francesco somehow ends up boning her on the second visit.]

Starkwell: So… insult a woman, tell her you’re glad her husband is dead, wait one day for her to come back, take her inside a tomb full of skeletons where her dress will get torn off, somehow, follow a puff of blue smoke to the CRYING woman, then… BONE HER IN THE MOONLIGHT?

Lovelock: I should try that.  Is there a place where extremely hot and loose widows hang out?

Starkwell: Well, you’ve outdone yourself with that sentence.

Lovelock: I guess first I should move to Italy and then find me some grabby skeletons willing to do some of my dirty work.

Starkwell: And there it is… you’ve topped yourself once more.

[...]

It’s a fairly lengthy sex scene, full of Rupert Everett ass, Anna Falchi breasts, and shots of Gnaghi watching them do it while eating spaghetti.  They are eventually interrupted by the woman’s zombie husband rising out of his grave and biting her.  And then she dies.

[...]

[She comes back from the dead, and he immediately shoots her in the head.]

Lovelock: A weaker man would’ve probably tried to get one last ride out of her.

Starkwell: Dude…

Lovelock: I would be that weaker man.

[...]

Then for some reason Francesco and Gnaghi are out for lunch in the city with the mayor and Gnaghi vomits on the mayor's daughter.  Starkwell and Lovelock are confused and a bit disturbed.

[...]

[The girl he vomited on dies in a motorcycle crash and ends up at the cemetery.]

Starkwell: Wait… her head EXPLODED when it was RUN OVER BY A TRUCK… how is it that now she has a head again?

[Gnaghi is excited for her to re-animate.]

Lovelock: Not cool Gnaghi.  Not fucking cool.

[The crash also involved a school bus full of boy scouts, so obviously, Francesco and Gnaghi are gonna have their hands full tonight.]

Lovelock: POTENTIAL!!!!!!!

[...]

Francesco bashes in a zombie nun’s head with a pot after killing a bunch of zombie scouts.  Then he accidentally shoots Gnaghi’s television!  Uh oh spaghetti-oh!

[...]

[Zombie Biker Dude Claudio explodes out of his grave RIDING his motorcycle.]

Starkwell: Shockingly, that is not the first time we’ve seen a zombie explode from their grave riding a motorcycle.

Lovelock: Yeah, but that one looked THE BEST EVER!

[Sorry, "Psychomania", but you've been outdone.]

[...]

Francesco said “The living dead or the dying living is all the same” and I think Starkwell’s mind blew out of the back of his head.  Lovelock was just happy about th increasingly impressive kill count.

[...]

[Gnaghi rips off the Mayor’s Daughter’s head and begins a love affair with it.]

Starkwell: Wait, how is the head following him around? … not like it has legs…

Lovelock: Next I suppose you will ask how a severed head can speak?

Starkwell: Good point… how-

Lovelock: SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH NERD.

[Then Starkwell promptly slapped Lovelock in the face.]

[...]

Dellamorte sees zombie Anna Falchi, starts making out with her, but then she bites him.  This means that when Francesco shot her in the head “immediately” she was STILL ALIVE... ?  He feels pretty bad about, as one probably would.  Then he sees Death who tells him to start killing people, and it starts to get really weird, because he starts doing it…

[...]

[Francesco drives into town and drive-by shoots seven people in the city.]

Starkwell: Wait… why did he need to make that deal with Death?

Lovelock: Don’t know, don’t care.

[...]

The mayor ends up dying (twice) and the new mayor comes to visit Francesco.  The new mayor has an assistant… and it’s… Anna Falchi.  She comes back later that night, and they are about to bone… but then she says she wants to be with an impotent man… so the next day, he goes to get castrated STAT.  The doctor then injects his testicle (apparently he only has one) with some HUGE syringe full of something and… yeah I don’t fucking know.  But it made Lovelock vomit.

[...]

[The next day, the woman comes back and tells him “I CHANGED MY MIND I DON’T WANNA BE WITH YOU.”]

Lovelock: Wait what?

Starkwell: I'd see if I could go get my testicle back.

[Depressed he goes out drinking and picks up two hitchhikers.  One of them is Anna Falchi.]

Starkwell: Guh?

[They go upstairs and bone lots.]

Lovelock: Honestly, the whole ‘having to kill the zombies thing’ would be totally worth it if I could see that girl at every turn.  And manage to bone her all the time.

[This version of Anna Falchi is a prostitute, and they charge him for the sex so he BURNS DOWN THEIR house.]

Starkwell: Ummm…

Lovelock: I withdraw my previous statement.

[...]

Now the movie REALLY starts being confusing, as Francesco goes around killing more and more innocent people for no reason.  Francesco decides to hit the road and get out of Dodge with Gnaghi.

[...]

Lovelock: ROAD TRIP!

[They go through a tunnel and arrive at the edge of the world?]

Lovelock: Wait, did he say the rest of the world doesn’t exist?

[Gnaghi keels over and dies.]

Starkwell: Wait… is he in Hell or purgatory or… ?

Lovelock: You lost me.

[...]

Then it starts snowing.  The shot moves slowly out and then… they are in a snow globe?  Yeah, I have no fucking idea what the Hell went on in this bitch.  This movie is completely insane.  And yet, we all had fun.

Wild Zero.

Guitar Wolf’s album “Jet Generation” might have, at the time, been the loudest record ever.  Not necessarily the HEAVIEST, that’s not what I mean.  I mean LOUDEST.  If Spinal Tap put their amps to eleven, I’d say Guitar Wolf plays at twenty-seven.  Thousand.  So it is fitting that this movie is as amped up as it is.  It’s a relatively non-stop rock’n’roll thrill ride, full of laughs, gore and, of course, WEIRD JAPANESE DUDES.  Also rock.  You’re welcome, Lovelock and Starkwell.  After a shot of really bad looking UFOs are seen swarming the Earth, a radio DJ warns people not to touch any meteorites that fall to the Earth, then we see main character ACE.

[...]

[Ace greases his hair, puts on his leather coat and heads out to a rock show.  The rock show.  GUITAR FUCKING WOLF.]

Starkwell: Wait, is he shooting electricity from his guitar?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but he definitely just said “lock and loll”.

Starkwell: That's probably racist.

Lovelock: I don't know about that, but I will say that these dudes lock hard.

[...]

Then we are introduced to the evil sleazy club owner, who, for whatever reason, dresses in hot pants.  All the time.  Ace walks into the middle of an argument Guitar Wolf is having with the club owner, at which point Ace witnesses Guitar Wolf explode a guy’s head with his magnum.

[...]

[Guitar Wolf gives Ace a whistle (a wolf call) to use if ever he needs help.  Oh also, they are now ROCK AND ROLL BLOOD BROTHERS.]

Lovelock: I would give my left nut for that whistle.

Starkwell: Well that’s a strange thing to say.

[...]

At this point, at a gas station, we are introduced to the androgynous Tobio, as well as a trio of weary travelers who are clearly going to be the comic relief of this whole thing.  Then we meet a group of evil yakuza looking to do an arms deal… it is a lot of characters to expect Lovelock to keep up with.  Ace, at this point meets Tobio and it is love at first sight.  Unfortunately for them, this is also where they first meet zombies.

[...]

Lovelock: Ace is number one man.

Starkwell: Why do all of the turn of the century Japanese zombie movies have blue zombies?

[...]

[Ace decides to go back to the gas station and save Tobio from zombies, after he has a vision of Guitar Wolf riding on a motorcycle screaming “ROCK AND ROLL”.]

Lovelock: I think if I had that vision, I’d be able to conquer the world.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Well, I could, at the very least conquer this bout of constipation I’ve been dealing with.

Starkwell: That's a very different brand of "rock 'n roll".

Lovelock: More like "rock in BOWL".  Get it?

Starkwell: No. Stop. Forever.

[...]

On the plus side, at least half of the characters that we were introduced to are already dead.  Comic relief trio is down to a duo.  There are only two yakuza people left, and I think they work for the club owner, but I'm not sure… also on the plus side, Tobio and Ace are safe.  So there is this one random mercenary type woman still running around... really, who cares?   Because Guitar Wolf is LIGHTING up the fucking stage as we speak.

[...]

Lovelock: I need to get me one of those flaming microphones.

[...]

Tobio and Ace are bunkered down somewhere and they share a moment.  So Tobio strips and reveals that she’s a dude.  Ace freaks out and runs away.  But then he has a Guitar Wolf vision.

[...]

[Guitar Wolf tells him to "DO IT".]

Lovelock: Way to go Guitar Wolf.  Love should have no boundaries.

[Ace loses track of Tobio and blows his Guitar Wolf whistle in a moment of despair.]

Lovelock: My left nut.

[On their way to find Ace, Guitar Wolf pick up the comic relief couple.]

Starkwell: Wait, so they were able to hear the whistle but can’t figure out where he is?  You might want a left nut refund.

[...]

Anyways, then they meet up with mercenary girl and fight zombies with magic electricity guitar picks and Lovelock does a back flip, a jump kick, and then high fives himself.  There’s a scene where Guitar Wolf has a huge fucking gun in his hand, guitar slung over his back, and samurai sword in his remaining hand.  Then he blows a zombie’s head off while Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf chill out behind him combing their hair.  I thought Lovelock was going to die of happiness.

[...]

[Guitar Wolf finds Ace, and tells him he no longer needs the whistle.]

Lovelock: Shit, can I have it then?

[...]

[Guitar Wolf jumps out of an exploding building screaming “rock and roll” and strumming his guitar ALL AT THE SAME TIME IN MID AIR.]

Lovelock: That just happened.  That just FUCKING HAPPENED.

[After landing, he tunes his low E.]

Starkwell: Solid joke, actually.

[...]

[Evil Club Owner shoots  laser beams out of his eyes, and then is blown up with a rocket launcher.  There was some hair greasing/combing mixed in.]

Lovelock: When did Drum Wolf and Bass Wolf have time to put Christmas lights on the hood of their car?

Starkwell: I’m trying to figure out how Guitar Wolf got up to the roof so quickly.

Lovelock: Also... lightning eyes?

[Guitar Wolf pulls a sword OUT OF HIS GUITAR and cuts the Mother Ship UFO in half and essentially saves Japan, and maybe even the world.]

Lovelock:  Man, now I can’t decide if I’d rather have the wolf pack whistle or the guitar sword.

Starkwell: Why did he need the samurai sword earlier if his guitar WAS a sword?  Also wouldn't he have to detach the strings to pull the neck off like that?

Lovelock: Asking questions like that is like asking why pepperoni sticks are delicious.

Starkwell: It most certainly is not like that.

[...]

The effects are pretty bad.  The story is schizophrenic and choppy.  There are plenty of useless scenes and useless characters.  Hell, there are even shots that are clearly just put in because Guitar Wolf looks cool.  The music, other than Guitar Wolf’s songs, isn’t particularly very good either.  But none of that really matters, since somehow, the whole thing kind of works anyways and is as fun as Hell.  There are no boundaries in Rock and Roll.