The Boneyard.

Right off the bat, the DVD looks cheap.  The menu is atrociously grainy looking, which only tends to make us all believe that the movie will look like shit.  Already, from what I have read, this film is a mixed bag of insanity, so a cheap copy should only help make it all the more insane.  The film starts off with some seriously aggressive music, complete with horns that wouldn’t sound out of place during a Clouseau – Kato fight scene.

[...]

[Old dude in a hat investigates a house… silently?]

Starkwell: Not everyone can pull off a bucket hat.

Lovelock: And?

Starkwell: This old dude is ultimately not pulling it off.

Lovelock: He is dressed exactly like Clouseau.  The problem is, he ain’t funny.

[Old Detective has a partner, Young Cool Guy.]

[...]

[Young Cool Guy snoops around a room, and then a creepy chunky woman attacks him, with a pillow?]

Lovelock: Only in movies do pillow fights result in so many feathers.

[...]

Then there was a scene where the chunky lady, that the Young Cop calls ‘the witch’, asks the cops to leave her house and then glances directly at the camera, as if to say “did I do ok mister director?”.  And it was GLORIOUS.  And Lovelock and Starkwell laughed for about a year.  Apparently the Witch is a psychic that the cops sometimes use to help with their unsolved cases.  I should mention that the Witch is one of the worst actors I’ve ever seen.  But in that really AMAZING way.

[...]

Lovelock: This is CLEARLY where “The Medium” got most of its ideas.

[...]

[The Witch has a nightmare about a zombie kid giving her a hug.  It goes on forever.]

Starkwell: This is going to be one dragged out movie.

Lovelock: Why is she letting that thing hug her?  I’d be like “Ew gross get it off”.

Starkwell: I love that the zombie kid hug dream was enough to get her to help the cops with their case.

[...]

As bad as she is, the Witch is starting to grow on Lovelock and Starkwell.  Her acting is terrible, but still, she looks like she is trying SOOOO hard.  That level of failure is phenomenally fun to watch.  The case she is helping with involves some dead children and a Chinese Mortician, who is apparently behind it all… So what do they need her for?

[...]

[They go to the coroner’s office with Witch and meet Miss Poopinplatz.  Yeah.  That’s her name.]

Lovelock: What’s the point of the Young Cop?  He hasn’t had a line yet.

Starkwell: Poopinplatz?!!?

[...]

It’s such a fucking slow moving film.  Holy balls.  But then Witch holds a lock of hair from one of the dead kids and the vision that she has is nothing short of spectacular.  It involves superracist Chinese Medicine Man and MORE zombie kids.

[...]

[Turns out the zombie kids were real, and in the coroner’s office.]

Lovelock: Now we’re talking!

Starkwell: To be honest, the zombie kids look pretty gross.

[Witch tries to go and warn them about the ZOMBIE KIDS ON THE LOOSE.]

Starkwell:  You got to hand it to a movie for going with “overweight tomboy uggo” as their lead female heroine character.

Lovelock: I see where “Push a Novel by Something Something” got its idea from.

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

Witch finds the zombie kids eating a bunch of corpses.  The effects are actually pretty awesome, and sort of scary.  Meanwhile, there is a girl who was dead after killing herself in the bathtub, and about to have her autopsy done by the coroner, who suddenly comes back to life?  No explanation.  Seems like a lazy way to get a better looking love interest for the Young Cop.

[...]

[Zombie kid runs through the air vent over her head and then taunts Witch with a doll.]

Lovelock: Just fuckin’ chop them up with the axe!

Starkwell: How are they making that noise?  It sounds like radio feedback.

[...]

Once this initial wave is over, it takes a while for anything else to happen again.  I should mention that we are about to hit the one hour mark.  It just seems like a shame to have such rad looking zombie kids and not utilize them more.

[...]

[Poopinplatz vs. zombie.  Poopinplatz dumps acid on zombie.]

Starkwell: Hold on… Poopinplatz won?!??!

[Melting zombie pops back up and smears ooze all over Poopinplatz IN THE FACE.]

Lovelock: Not so fast Poopinplatz.

Starkwell: They keep bitching bout the elevator, can’t they just take the stairs?

Lovelock: Dude, Fatty McWitch don’t exactly look like someone who “takes the stairs”.

[Meanwhile, Poopinplatz has been vomiting endlessly into a sink.]

[...]

Then Poopinplatz turns into a HUGE rubber monster and kills the one random black dude that just showed up and the coroner.  She eventually is electrocuted to death.

[...]

Lovelock: The movie should have just been called Poopinplatz.  And Poopinplatz should have been more prominent all throughout.  Less Fatty McWitch, more POOPINPLATZ!

[...]

At this point everyone is dead except the two cops, the Witch and the random Suicide Girl.  But then, Poopinplatz’ poodle, who was running around the coroner’s office, ate sone melted zombie guts and has turned into a super demon, just like Poopinplatz.

[...]

Lovelock: POOPINPLATZ POODLE!

Starkwell: This movie is bananas.

[...]

The Poopinplatz Poodle demon is really just a dude in a demon poodle suit.  Kind of like a gorilla suit but so much more.  Witch ends up one on one with the poodle and blows it up with a pipe bomb that just happened to be lying around the coroner’s office.  The fucker blows up like the DEATH STAR.  And the whole building collapse.  And yet, somehow, they all managed to be out of the building and at a safe distance.  Then the movie ends.  No explanations about ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED.  No explanation about why the girl suddenly CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD.  It just ends with Young Cop and Suicide Girl and Witch and Old Detective hugging and laughing.  Completely fucking insane.

Black Magic 2.

Look, this movie has Lo Lieh in it, and zombies.  Need I say more?  After the obvious "but I didn't see the first one, won't I be lost?" joke, Starkwell and Lovelock sit, ready.  Let’s do this.

[...]

[Girls, doing laundry in a river, strip down and go swimming naked.]

Starkwell: That was quick…

Lovelock: We have a new contender for the "soonest boobies" award.

[Insanely fake crocodile eats one of the girls, slowly swims away and has rocks thrown at it by the villagers.]

Lovelock: There are, no words.

[Old Witchdoctor uses a grappling hook, a live chicken and a chant to catch the crocodile, then he cuts his stomach open and retrieves the girl’s bracelet.]

Starkwell: So… case closed?

[Funky music and opening credits.]

Lovelock: These could be the ending credits and it would already have been more fun than a lot of movies.

[Seriously the music is amazing.  They have a scene at a club and the drums were CLEARLY sampled once by the Beastie Boys.]

[...]

Then Lo Lieh takes a girl into his dungeon, strips her down and pulls a nail out of her skull and she immediately ages seventy years and drops dead.  Maybe at some point, we’ll find out why.

[...]

[Cut to a hospital full of infected patients.]

Starkwell: Did the doctor say it was from Black Magic?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but that’s why I don’t go to hospitals.

Starkwell: Right.

[Upon Lovelock’s request, I changed the audio dub to the English version.  The Australian accents are welcome.]

[...]

Lo Lieh seems to be a witchdoctor of some kind.  He just hung a bloody dead animal outside some girl’s house and now is back in his basement doing Black Magic type stuff, pouring blood on what looks like a female figurine made out of old croissant dough.

[...]

[The doctors read about Black Magic, and read about how drinking breast milk keeps a man young?]

Starkwell: Why?

Lovelock: Lo Lieh loves him some tits.

[...]

Using his Black Magic, Lo Lieh summons the girl from the neighboring mansion (one of the doctors' wives) to his basement.  He explains to her that he requires breast milk.

[...]

[Apparently she needs to eat some special oil made from her hair and she’ll produce breast milk.]

Starkwell: Why doesn’t he just cast his zombie spell on pregnant women?

Lovelock: Where’s the skill in that?

Starkwell: I didn’t realize he was being scored on creativity.

[Turns out the hair he needs is pubes, and so Lo Lieh shaves off her bush.]

Starkwell: Jesus Christ dude.

[After making an oil from her pubes and feeding it to her, there is a drawn out sex scene in the bedroom, featuring more suckling then anyone is really comfortable seeing.]

Lovelock: What. The. Fuck.

[...]

The only thing keeping them both here at this point is the promise at how potentially wacky this might get.  But they can’t help but notice we have seen far more nipples than zombies OR kung-fu.  This movie is very quickly pissing all of its potential out the window.

[...]

[The girl wakes up pregnant, with some sort of monster baby, and the doctors immediately operate and take it out.]

Starkwell: That might be the most horrifying thing I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: And you once went into the bathroom after I forgot to flush after a huge dump after eating lots of Tex-Mex... so that's saying a lot.

[...]

[Apparently Lo Lieh sells his spells to locals.]

Lovelock: Will there be a hero in this movie or… ?

Starkwell: The doctors?

Lovelock: I ain’t buying that shit for a second.

[...]

Honestly, so far the movie is much more about perverts, rapists and breast milk than it is zombies, black magic or kung-fu.  The doctors have started investigating.  They go to the graveyard to dig up a body they believe was victim of BLACK MAGIC.

[...]

[They perform an autopsy on the body and expose a bunch of worms and maggots.]

Lovelock: Did he once again say “it must be Black Magic”?

[The two doctors agree to use one of their wives as bait.]

Starkwell: Horrifying.

Lovelock: It was her idea… she’s asking for it.

[...]

[The spell works and Doctor One takes Doctor Two’s wife to a hotel room and fondles her.]

Starkwell: Careful what you wish for.

[Cut immediately to Lo Lieh sucking a tit, which then starts smoking, melting, and oozing pus.]

Lovelock: I know that I didn’t wish for that.

[...]

It’s hard to keep up, shit’s moving so fast.  But at the same time, nothing is happening.  Lo Lieh stays young by sucking breast milk, impregnating women with demon babies, and eventually melting them dead.  Then, as Doctor Two fights with his possessed wife, a random old man dressed in white, who we ave not yet seen up until this point (or maybe that was the guy who performed the stomach surgery on the crocodile), beats her with a dead cat, throws it on her and then cuts open her back and lets out a bunch of green worms.

[...]

[Old White Wizard has a psychic battle with Lo Lieh.  From miles (?) away.]

Starkwell: Did Lo Lieh just put a nail through his own cheek?

[White Wizard loses.  Dies.]

Lovelock: That character didn’t last long.

[Before dying, White Wizard ripped out his own eyes, gave them to Doctor Two and told him he must eat the eyes, in order to have wise eyes.]

Starkwell: I give up.

Lovelock: I’d cook them first.  Maybe in like a white wine sauce… he was the White Wizard, after all.

[...]

Anyways, nothing could prepare Starkwell or Lovelock for BLUE SCREEN Cable Car Fight between Doctor Two and Lo Lieh.  Describing it would never do it justice, so I won’t even try.  But let me just say, it was magical.  Black magical, if you will.

[...]

[Zombie Doctor One and his Zombie wife attack Doctor Two.  He pulls the nails out of their heads and melts them.]

Lovelock: Well, so much for saving them.

[Three zombies in robes break into Doctor Two’s wife’s room, grab her by her ankles, spread her legs straight open and begin to feast (?) on her crotch (?) .  Lo Lieh watches.]

Starkwell: Yep.  That just happened.

[...]

Then Doctor Two starts throwing voodoo dolls into a fire, and we are treated to a bunch of flaming zombies falling down stairs and off of balconies and whatnot.  And then, in like a minute, Doctor Two burns down Lo Lieh’s house, his wife cuts Lo Lieh’s arm off, Lo Lieh melts at the sight of some magic amulet that the doctor had and the movie ends.  Good luck forgetting that one.

Fear No Evil.

Frank LaLoggia burst onto the eighties horror scene with “Fear No Evil”.  Then he disappeared until almost a decade later and then disappeared again.  That doesn’t NECESSARILY mean that this will be a bad movie.  Maybe it’s so good he just never thought he could top it.  Hmmm… maybe not.  Or maybe.  Well, let’s find out.  Or maybe not.  Or maybe.

[...]

[Narrator talks about God and Lucifer and angels and shit.]

Lovelock: God looks like Santa Claus.

[Priest in a rowboat paddles to an island castle.]

Starkwell: Priest looks like Kelsey Grammer.  Except old.

[Priest walks through a gauntlet of hanging dead things, including a naked guy.]

Lovelock: Is the priest staring at his junk?

[Starkwell resisted the obvious joke... then a Possessed girl falls from the ceiling, priest clubs her head in.]

Starkwell: Wait… what…

[Priest chases some shirtless guy with long teeth and huge sideburns who keeps growling at him.]

Lovelock: Is Lucifer humping that tree?

[Lucifer turns into a young girl, and then back to a middle aged man, then the priest impales him.]

Starkwell: What was with the young girl? Why… ?

[Opening credits roll… this is gonna be one nutty ride.]

[...]

After making fun of the bad overdubbing for a minute, Starkwell and Lovelock settle in, ready to watch, and subsequently ridicule, the film.  We find ourselves back in modern times and are following a family as they bring their newborn for his baptism.

[...]

[They baptize the baby, blood starts shooting everywhere.]

Lovelock: That’s why I won’t baptize my kid…

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: On a side note, why did they cast two old fogies to play the parents of the newborns?  They’re like seventy-five!

[...]

Anyways, they seem to hate their demon baby, as the demon baby Andrew starts tearing them apart!  Then we flash forward eighteen years and Andrew is all grown up and somehow they’ve remained married.  And they haven't killed the kid.

[...]

[Andrew turns himself invisible and walks down to the dinner table, the parents are all surprised that he is sitting there.  They didn’t see him come down.]

Lovelock: Well, the kid seems pretty evil.

[Husband gets in a fight with his wife over the birthday cake they just dropped.  He punches his wife in the face and then an iron falls on her head.]

Starkwell: Wait, so… is she dead?

Lovelock: The parents don’t need much help from Demon Baby to be fucking horrible.

[Cut to Andrew’s high school class.]

Lovelock: Is that the Boomtown Rats playing?  TELL ME WHY!  I don’t like Mondayssssss…

Starkwell: I’ll tell you what I don’t like.

[...]

Starkwell: The movie.  I don’t like the movie.

[...]

I can’t keep up with them anymore.  There is just so much SHIT going on here.  This is one eclectic, messy and schizophrenic cinematic experience so far.

[...]

[Student pulls something out of his pants zipper and uses it to open a car door, and then he drives away in the stolen car?]

Lovelock: The window was open. Why would he need that tool from his crotch?  That CROTCH TOOL, if you will.

[Just one example of how DUMB this shit is.  Then the bad boy from class Tony slaps his girlfriend INCREDIBLY hard and it looked real.  This was immediately after he banged her in the boiler room.]

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock seem as confused.  I think that a bunch of the characters are reincarnations of angels.  But, they seem to know who they are?  Or they seem to not know who they are?  But no one knows that Andrew is Lucifer?  Honestly, I’m not entirely sure.  I think the Kelsey Grammer priest is/was their neighbor’s brother?  In a previous life?  Andrew seems to know that he is Lucifer.  If he is Lucifer, that is.

[...]

[After gym class, all the guys hang out naked in the shower and bad boy Tony decides to mess with Andrew by… kissing him… Did I mention that they are all in the shower?  Naked?]

Starkwell: So… much… full male frontal…

Lovelock: This is making me more confused.

Starkwell: Naked men kissing is arousing unknown confusing feelings deep within you?

Lovelock: No, I mean, I don’t understand the point of that scene.

Starkwell: Tony’s gay?  Lucifer is gay?

Lovelock: Anti-gay agendas are bullshit.  Fuck this fucking movie.

[...]

Sometime after dreaming that Andrew sexed on her briefly and then scratched her, Girl wakes up and sees that the scratch is REAL.  More importantly, though, she had a poster of Brian May on her wall, which is way awesome.

[...]

Lovelock: Totally underrated as a guitarist.

[...]

[Kids play Dodgeball, coach throws ball at kid, Andrew makes it speed up, and kid’s insides explode and he dies.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never played dodgeball.

Starkwell: That’s why?

Lovelock:  I was always picked last.  Stupid bullies.

[...]

Now it starts getting even more confusing.  I think Kelsey Grammer Priest is inside of Dream Girl now.  When it comes right down to it, though, nothing has actually happened in the first hour.  And where are Andrew’s parents?  Are they dead now, or… ?

[...]

[Andrew kills a dog, it looks real.]

Starkwell: I’m done.  Fuck this shit.

[I don’t blame him.]

[...]

All throughout, the music has been as all over the place as the plot.  It jumps from shitty early punk to bad pop to badly orchestrated bullshit.  Finally, after a super over acted monologue where he’s shaking and waving his arms like he’s singing a showtune, Andrew starts raising the dead and we get some zombies.  They growl and pretty much look like they have oatmeal all over their faces.

[...]

Lovelock: Better than nothing I guess.

[The whole town is gathered to watch the Passion Play.]

Lovelock: At least they’re all in one place.  Maybe we’ll get some decent carnage.

[...]

Some of the teens venture to the castle and the zombies start eating them.  Meanwhile, the Passion Play, magically turns real and the actor playing Jesus is full crucified and blood starts shooting all over everybody.  Also Andrew’s Dad blows his wife’s brains out for some reason.  Tony opens his shirt and has breasts.  Then Andrew shows up and Tony stabs himself in his new breasts.  Andrew is dressed like a really gay vampire.  Then he turns into a full demon and Dream Girl melts him with her magic staff in a whirlwind of bad special effects and lazy writing.  Sounds bad?  You don’t even know.  YOU CAN'T IMAGINE.

Plan 9 From Outer Space.

People can say all that they want that this is the WORST film ever made.  But if that really were the case, it would have simply been forgotten long ago, like so many films that are far and wide much worse than this delightfully bad stroke of genius.  Starkwell and Lovelock have been itching to see this one, and I figured it was as good a time as any to introduce them to Ed Wood and his piece de resistance.  After navigating the INSANELY shitty and confusing DVD menu, I eventually think I get the movie started, but then realize that it’s a preview… for the movie I am about to watch.

[...]

[CRISWELL PREDICTS… a news program?]

Starkwell: So Ed Wood invented found footage films?

Lovelock: I don’t know but this credit sequence is totally fucking LIGHTNING.

[...]

Too much has been written about this film and the infamous director for me to dive too deep into the details, but suffice to say, as the story begins to unfold, they are pleasantly confused.

[...]

[People gather at a funeral, grave diggers start digging the grave.]

Lovelock: Lugosi got old.  That makes me sad.  I wish he could have lived forever.

Starkwell: Wait, that voice is a narrator?  I thought it was someone reading the eulogy…

[...]

I can’t explain how much the ‘cockpit of an airplane’ set made them laugh.  And then the flying saucer shot took it over the top and Lovelock shot milk out of his nose.

[...]

[Vampira comes out all zombie-like and does jazz fingers.]

Lovelock: Who was that screaming?

Starkwell: In the movie?  Not sure.  In this room?  Me.

Lovelock: Scared?

Starkwell: Something like that.

[...]

At least Ed Wood understood that without a narrator explaining EVERYTHING, no one could possibly ever understand what in the Hell is going on.  But Vampira is Lugosi’s undead wife, and Lugosi just died.  I don’t know why she killed the grave diggers, but I assume they were the ones who screamed just before.

[...]

[UFO flies by and knocks everyone over.]

Lovelock: “Places everyone, places!!!  One… two… three… JUMP AWKWARDLY DOWN INTO THE GRASS!”

Starkwell: Why didn’t Tor Johnson fall over?

Lovelock: He’s too fat?

[Then Zombie Lugosi and Vampira jazz finger and cape him to death and Lovelock did a jumpkick.]

[...]

Then flying saucers are seen flying over Hollywood, and they show it for five or so minutes.  They repeat “sauces seen over [blank]” about a hundred times, and they keep showing people reading the same headline.  In case it wasn’t clear enough, the narrator is REALLY pounding it into our heads that SAUCERS WERE SEEN OVER BLABLABLA.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m not sure, did anyone else notice the saucers?

[Repetitive stock footage of army things firing stuff.]

Starkwell: I think they did, and it’s certainly taken them a long time to try and hit them.

[Then the saucers get away.]

Lovelock: Good job STOCK FOOTAGE soldiers…

[...]

Sometime after this, we get to see the aliens!  They’re just humans in shiny clothes.  Then one of the alien actors reads from a script that he holds in his hand.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would the head alien have the symbol of an axe on his shirt?

Starkwell: I don’t know, but the mother ship looks like a huge breast.

Lovelock: Well, it IS the mother ship…

[...]

There’s a pilot guy (and his wife) that the story seems to be focused on, and Lugosi shows up to kill her while he is away flying after the saucers.  Actually, I don’t think it’s actually Lugosi, I think it’s a guy covering his face with a cape trying to look like Lugosi, since Lugosi died a couple of years before this film was made, BUT, it’s the Lugosi CHARACTER that is in fact chasing her into the cemetery.

[...]

[Tor Johnson RISES from the grave.]

Lovelock: Worst movie ever MY ASS, did you see that fucking rise from the grave scene?  SWEET SASSY MOLASSEY!

Starkwell: Yeah but…

[Lovelock wasn’t listening, he was too busy playing air guitar.]

[...]

Then the girl is rescued from the side of the road by a cowboy in a Cadillac with the BIGGEST ASS I have ever seen.  Lovelock actually paused it to marvel at just how tight his jeans were.

[...]

Starkwell: I love how obvious it is that Vampira, Tor Johnson and Lugosi were clearly never filmed at the same time, since all the shots of them are of them alone, and seem randomly placed and totally fucking schizophrenic.

[Cut to a shot of Vampira and Tor zombie walking side by side.]

Lovelock: Ed Wood ONE, Starkwell ZERO.

Starkwell: Whatever dude.  That single shot of Lugosi was in the daytime, and now it’s night again IMMEDIATELY.

Lovelock:  Face it, you just suck dude.  You’re the worst and this movie is the best.

[...]

Starkwell: Someone should tell that Detective not to use his loaded pistol like a pointing stick.

[...]

Meanwhile in the Pentagon, stuff happens, and Lovelock and Starkwell continue laughing at this movie.

[...]

[Zombie Tor Johnson turns on the aliens, starts to choke one of them.]

Lovelock: Wait… how was he on the spaceship?

Starkwell: How did throwing the gun on the floor stop him in his tracks?

[So many questions, so few answers.]

Lovelock: The head alien guy is ALWAYS clearly reading off of something.

[...]

I lost track of the plot, or the Plan 9, if you will.  But when Lugosi comes after the whole gang of characters that appear to be having a potluck dinner, laughter was had by all, especially when the Detective stood up, and somehow his chair FLEW, and I mean FLEW, off the set.  It was magical.

[...]

[Detective unloads his gun on Lugosi.]

Lovelock: Why is everyone else just standing there?  Isn’t that guy in army?

[Some kind of electro signal drops Lugosi like a fly and he turns into a pile of bones.]

Starkwell: Um.

[...]

We still are pretty unclear on the Plan.  What is it?  Why is it the ninth?

[...]

[Tor kills a guy by… swinging his arms near them?]

Lovelock: Did the wind of his swing just blow up his head or?

Starkwell: Maybe he just died of a heart attack at the exact time that Tor swung his arms.

Lovelock: Sounds far-fetched.

Starkwell: Seriously?

[...]

Then they find a flying saucer that, when on the ground appears to be rectangular, and basically a house.

[...]

Lovelock: Man, those aliens ROCK that velvet.

[...]

[Alien says “all of you on Earth are idiots”.]

Lovelock: Awesome.  Dude is AWESOME.

[The alien explains that humans are super self destructive and that soon they will develop SOLAR RAY BOMBS that will explode the Universe.]

Lovelock: Stupid men and their stupid minds, STUPID STUPID STUPID.

[...]

Then it gets really crazy, where the aliens refer to God.   Honestly, I feel like maybe the aliens are good guys at this point.  Screw the Earthlings.  After some explosions and some flaming flying saucers, we cut back to the narrator, who we haven’t heard from in a while, and he says that all of this was true OR WAS IT?  What a wild ride.

The Dead Undead.

It came from Redbox.  In a lame attempt to mockbuster two current fads, this movie deals with both vampires AND zombies.  Two directors, one movie, no budget, probably all bad.  Starkwell and Lovelock aren’t exactly excited.  Interestingly if you read up on the two guys that directed it, they mostly worked stunts in films.  A lot of films.  Big films.  Interesting.  Maybe the stunts will be good.

[...]

[Teens arrive at a lakeside hotel, go for a swim, wrestle in bikinis.]

Starkwell: Obviously.

[Next scene is a girl taking a shower.]

Starkwell: More obviously.

[Vampire kid comes out of the closet and attacks one of the girls.]

Starkwell: Ok, that was less obvious.

Lovelock: At least it isn’t taking long to get going.

[...]

Then there was a fight between a zombie and a vampire and Lovelock was like “alright”, but the main characters IMMEDIATELY started looking for weapons and happened to have guns and ammo in their truck, Starkwell was all “what kind of a trip were they on?” and “how come they aren’t more curious about what’s going on?”.  Anyways, then ARMY shows up and starts killing vampires, or zombies, or vampire zombies, not sure at this point.  What I do know is that most of the kids are either dead or dying.

[...]

Starkwell: It looks as though most of the actors are probably stuntman/woman buddies of the writer-directors… It’s nice to see, and must have been fun to make.  Fun to watch on the other hand…

Lovelock: It’s their time to shine!

Starkwell: Don’t make fun too much… I just read that the director was a sniper in Desert Storm.

[...]

[They are both zombie and vampire… they call them “ZVs”.]

Starkwell: Riiiiight…

[Some of the kids turn, the others try to run away in the truck.  Truck crashes.]

Lovelock: For a bunch of stunt people and stunt coordinators, I would have expected a cooler crash.

Starkwell: Can’t make what you can’t afford.

[...]

I love that they probably thought “Vampires… Zombies… it can’t fail!”.

[...]

[Five minute long shot of girl soldier sniping things.]

Starkwell: We get it.  She’s a good shot.

Lovelock: Why does the music keep cutting sporadically like that?

Starkwell: Probably for the same reason that they need to show that guy setting up the minigun for five minutes.

[...]

Sometime after shouting “worst swordplay ever” I think Lovelock actually started getting into it in that ‘so bad it’s good’ kind of a way.  It’s able to achieve that because I think it actually IS trying to be good, as opposed to so many recent ‘bad’ movies that try to play the whole ‘so bad it’s good’ angle.  Did that make any sense?  If not, just know that Starkwell still hates the shit out of this sucker no matter what claiming "so bad it's bad".

[...]

Lovelock: Impressive body count.

Starkwell: Fair enough.

[I think that’s a compliment.  Then there was a long dragged out shot of a ZV being burned alive, or not alive I guess.]

Starkwell: I guess they had to do the firesuit stunt somewhere in here.  But did it have to be so long?

[...]

Then one of the soldiers dies and it flashes back to him in medieval times.  Well, he doesn’t just die, he explodes.  Anyways, I guess these dudes are immortal warriors of some kind, fighting the spirits of evil and shit.  The flashback takes the level of cheese up about ten or eleven notches, even when that didn’t seem possible.

[...]

[So the soldiers are GOOD vampires, and the ZVs are the BAD zombies.]

Starkwell: Really?

[...]

Anyways, now we get flashbacks and back story on the other good vampires.  One of them was in Vietnam, one of them writes an advice column under a female pen name!  Yeah.  It sounds crazy, but would I make that up? Tell you what… if I did make it up, I wouldn’t be like “that’ll make a super movie!”

[...]

[The two surviving kids volunteer to be bait.]

Lovelock: Sexy AND smart?

[...]

[Another trap/weapon making montage.]

Starkwell: Is it NECESSARY to show Blondie making a wooden stake for five minutes?

Lovelock: It’s as necessary as the rest of the film.

[...]

I give the film credit for actually trying to explain everything.  It’s more than I can say for a lot of these kinds of movies.  And while ANY of the computer effects look terrible, there is an obscene amount of gunfire and flying bodies that look funny.  I’m not really sure what the characters are even trying to do at this point, but what I do know is that only Blondie and main soldier boy are still alive.

[...]

[Blondie offers up her blood and Soldier Boy becomes SUPER SOLDIER BOY.]

Starkwell: Wait, why isn’t she hurt at all?

[...]

Then they set it up for a sequel.  The end?

Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror.

Well, you all knew eventually I would get around to showing them “Burial Ground”.  I hope they’re ready.  Here’s a hint for you: THEY’RE NOT.  No one is ever really ready for “Burial Ground”.  It’s kind of like how no one is ever really ready to be punched in the scrotum.  Anyways, Starkwell and Lovelock are about to be punched in their collective scrotum.

[...]

[Day for night scene involving a dude with a huge beard exploring some ruins.]

Starkwell: It’s been a while since I’ve seen that good, AKA BAD, of a day for night shot.

Lovelock: It’s been a while since I’ve seen that good, AKA AWESOME, of a beard.

[Beardy gets eaten inside the ruins.]

Lovelock: I like what this movie is saying, so far.

Starkwell: Might be the quietest zombies I’ve ever seen.  But not heard.

[...]

In the next few minutes we are introduced to the infamous MANBOY, a weird looking grown man playing a child.  It’s generally what this movie is remembered for.  Anyways, MANBOY walks in on his parents doing it, which only adds to his overall creepiness.

[...]

Lovelock: He looks like an old woman.

Starkwell: He looks older than his “parents”.

[...]

I think the film is about three couples, one of which has their MANBOY, that have gathered at some professor’s mansion.  I believe the professor is beardy that was eaten at the beginning.  The couples all seem mostly interested in having sex at various locations in and around the mansion.  Then zombies start showing up in and around the mansion as well.  Mostly interrupting people doing sex, mostly.

[...]

Starkwell: Is that zombie blind, or is it just that the actor can’t see while wearing that cheap rubber mask?

Lovelock: At least they’re killing people already, and there are lots of them.

Starkwell: They’re killing PERSON.  Only manboy’s father has been eaten so far.

Lovelock: Yeah, but he got eaten HARD.  Still, like I said, there are lots of them.

Starkwell: Yeah but, the film makers are not making ANY effort to have a story of any kind.

Lovelock: Unless people trying to do it and being interrupted by zombies counts as a story.

Starkwell: It most certainly does not.

[...]

So far, Lovelock loves it and Starkwell hates it.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen them this split on anything.  But at least Starkwell is sticking around, for now.  The gore looks bad and quite fake, but it is plentiful, which helps keep Lovelock on board.

[...]

Starkwell: These make the "Blind Dead" zombies look fast and rabid.

Lovelock: I KNOW!  Awesome, right?

Starkwell: Totally.  If you enjoy boredom.

[...]

[MANBOY tries to make out with his mom, fondle her breasts and touch her between the legs.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: Did he just say he remembered sucking on her breasts as a baby?

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

Starkwell: Why did it take her so long to push him away?

[MANBOY runs away and is killed by a zombie.]

[...]

Professor McBeardy comes back as a machete wielding zombie and starts eating his butler.  With only ten minutes left, there is absolutely no sign that there will ever be an actual story of any kind.  Or an explanation of anything.

[...]

[They find an old church and go in, but then come across a bunch of Monk Zombies dressed like friar Tuck.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never go to church.

Starkwell: I think you’ve said that before.

Lovelock: There are always reasons not to go to church.

Starkwell: Fair enough.

[...]

Then zombie MANBOY shows up, and his mother hugs him and tells him to suck her breast like when he was a baby and starts moaning.  Like an orgasm moaning.  Then zombie MANBOY bites her nipple off.  Just as Starkwell got up to leave saying “FUCK THIS” everyone else died and the movie ended.  You have to give the movie credit for basically being nothing but zombie attacks from minute one to minute last.  But that’s as far as anyone should really go at giving this film credit of any kind.  Unless ‘oldest looking guy to ever play a young child that sucks on his mom's nipple’ is an award out there in movieland.  I don't think it is.