Forest Of The Dead.

So the film is a cheap Canadian horror film.  The DVD, once you hit “play movie” it opens up with the cheapest looking, shot on VHS (EVEN THOUGH IT’S 2007), footage of the director, Brian Singleton, talking about the movie in an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, chest flowing in the breeze, while “drinking” from what looks to be a “brown-bagged” bottle of… champagne?  Apple cider?  I think we might need something stronger to get through this.

[...]

[After the opening credits, shots of car driving, worst “pop punk” music ever plays.]

Starkwell: Why is always a bad “pop punk” song?

Lovelock: Probably because it’s always like “director’s brother’s shitty band”.

Starkwell: Good call.

[...]

The movie is CLEALY just a movie made by a bunch of dudes for fun while on summer vacation.  It’s bad, but I could see maybe it would be fun to watch if you know the people in the movie.   To be totally fair, for what is clearly a no-budget movie shot by a bunch of friends, it’s alright I guess.  Bad writing, bad jokes, and no acting at all… but somehow Lovelock and Starkwell haven’t set fire to the TV yet… granted, it’s early.  The guys talking in the fake Quebec accents are REALLY bad.  Really fucking bad.  I would expect more from actual Canadians.  They're probably from Toronto.

[...]

[Blonde girl is wearing an Expos shirt.]

Starkwell: Let’s go Expos!

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure the redneck mechanic was quoting “Fletch” just now…

[...]

The premise is pretty straightforward.  A group of teens go camping at an old campsite that is closed down and rumored to be haunted, and bad shit happens.  The problem is, it is taking a really long time to get going.  Also the novelty of this being backyard horror made by a bunch of dumb kids from Ontario is wearing off, and now everyone is getting crazy bored.

[...]

Lovelock: At least they haven’t played any more of that shitty “my friend’s band” music.

[...]

Then randomly the girl walks in on her boyfriend, one of the Quebec dudes, and he’s in his sleeping bag naked with the other Quebec dude?  Because, people from Quebec are gay?  At this point the movie lost Starkwell.  He got up, said something about being too old for this shit, and ran out of the room, top speed.  Just then, the movie shifted, and people finally started dying.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would kids from Quebec be drinking moonshine?

[...]

Then the group’s friends show up.  Basically a second group of shitty non-actors.  It’s like the movie has started over.  This second group is as obnoxious as the first.  Equally unfunny.  I think the best shot in the movie so far was one where the “afro” guy was “taking a leak”… but when he turned his head, you could see that he was just squeezing a Gatorade bottle.  Makes me think that they couldn’t afford a second bottle of Gatorade, so they were like “I think we got it”.

[...]

Lovelock: The nerd guy’s vest is different in every scene.

[...]

Lovelock:  These woods look like the same ones that Fred Penner shot his show in.

[...]

Seriously, what ever happened to that guy?  Also, what ever happened to Raffi?

[...]

Lovelock: If it’s an abandoned campground why would there be an old basketball court… in an abandoned parking lot… next to a highway?  Wait they have a rock climbing wall?

[...]

Fred Penner had an album in 2008?  Crazy.  And Raffi has been upto some seriously rad shit.  Amazing.  Also he had a new album this year?  Oh also, the movie still sucks.  Nothing has happened for the last half hour.

[...]

[Zombies rip nerd guy in half and eat his intestines.]

Lovelock: I mean, it looked awful, but ‘A’ for effort.

[In the next shot, his vest is different again.]

[...]

Lovelock: If you are alone, being chased by zombies, and you wander into and old farmhouse, and you stumble upon a piano… WHY WOULD YOU HIT ONE OF THE KEYS?

[...]

In the end everyone dies.  And then there are ten minutes of ending credits and bloopers.  The guys who made this obviously love movies and each other, even if they themselves are terrible at writing and maybe even editing, and none of them can act.  And their friend’s band sucks.  They’re not half bad at gore though.  The effects are obviously cheap, but a lot of fun and pretty bloody.  They shouldn’t have wasted so much time setting up story.  If it just been full of a lot more of the gags that were all over the last twenty minutes, this might have actual been enjoyable.

Frightmare.

Lovelock and Starkwell don’t have that much experience with Troma, but what exposure they have had has not left them hopeful that anything with Troma attached to it is going to be all that satisfying.  This one is actually one that WASN’T Troma originally, they just picked up the rights to release it on DVD.  So, that gives us hope to the two who, let’s be honest, don’t want to have to sit through another “Poultrygeist”.  Troma’s not all bad.  But it sure ain’t all good.  Alright.  Come on.  Horror star!

[...]

[DVD has some opening introduction with Lloyd Kaufman.  It’s like a hundred million minutes long.]

Lovelock: No.  NO!  Start the movie.

Starkwell: Why is this so long?

[Honestly, we almost lost them before the fucking movie started.  Classic Troma.]

[...]

The story seems to revolve around an old actor, a Vincent Price / Bela Lugosi type of guy that I will, from here on out refer to as, Draculactor.  In the opening scene he straight up murders a director that he has a disagreement with.  Then they show him at some kind of “Inside the Actor’s Studio” type of deal and he passes out.  Some girl does mouth to mouth on him and revives.  Then he goes home and some fat guy tries to kill him but LOOK OUT Draculactor kills fat guy instead.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m starting to think he just faked passing out so some young student would do mouth to mouth on him.

Starkwell: He is remarkably spry when he wants to be.

[...]

After killing the fat guy Draculactor gets out of bed, plays his organ and then… climbs into a coffin, closes it, and apparently dies.  Lovelock and Starkwell are looking a little shocked and confused, and someone said “dude knows how to make an exit”.  He also filmed his own farewell and it was shown at his funeral.  Anyways, then some eighties punks, big fans of his work I guess, break into his tomb and steal his body.

[...]

Lovelock: Is this basically “Weekend at Bernies”?

Starkwell: I have a feeling something is gonna revive him.

Lovelock: So it’s “Weekend at Bernies 2”?

Starkwell: If that helps you.

Lovelock: It doesn’t.

Starkwell: It’s actually feeling more to me like “Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things”.

Lovelock: I slept through that.

Starkwell: And yet you remember both "Bernie" movies.

[...]

The movie is boring.  But eventually after a cheesy séance and some loud sound effects that washed out most of the dialogue, it appears that Draculactor is back from the dead and killing the punks with all of his telekinetic abilities.  Admittedly, at this point, the movie starts being a bit more fun.  One highlight, for example, was when Draculactor stared at a woman in a bathrobe and made her burst into flames, at which point, I believe Lovelock said “burn baby burn”.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t offer all that much else, and gets boring again real fast.  Eventually Draculactor kills everyone, even his widow when she comes to visit his tomb.

[...]

[The movie ends with Draculactor talking to the screen / the audience about how Hell isn’t that bad.]

Lovelock: Wait, what?

Zombie Cop.

I won’t lie, I’m pretty psyched to watch this one with Lovelock and Starkwell.  J.R. Bookwalter was the man behind “Dead Next Door”, which was a pretty fantastic, while still being completely fucking terrible, backyard horror film.  Starkwell wasn’t able to get through the whole thing, while Lovelock couldn’t help but marvel at the gore and ridiculousness.  Let’s see where his follow up falls.  I should mention, let’s see where his ZOMBIE follow up falls.  Because his actual follow up to “Dead Next Door” was a movie called “Robot Ninja”, which I think we all can agree is probably amazing...ly bad.

[...]

[Definitely a shot on video film.   The intro is just squiggly lines that look like a Windows ’95 Screen Saver.]

Lovelock: Music by “Porn Music Guy from the Early Nineties”.

Starkwell: Shot in beautiful 4:3 on VHS Camcorders.

[The director used a different name for the Director slot.  Not starting off well.]

Lovelock: Lance Randas?  Between that and the music... Are we sure this isn’t porno?

[...]

[Some “voodoo” priest cuts his arm with some special effects that would embarrass magicians at childrens’ birthday parties.]

Lovelock: So many closeups… of teeth.

Starkwell: If every scene is as unnecessarily long as this one, we are in for some real-

Lovelock: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

[...]

Anyways, two cops show up to apprehend Voodoo Priest, and after some terrible acting, one of the cops AND the Voodoo Priest both die in a shootout.  Arguably the lamest shootout ever.

[...]

Starkwell: So the voodoo priest would have pictures of zombies that he printed out on computer paper hung on his wall?

Lovelock: And movie posters?

Starkwell: And he has a subscription to Playboy?

Lovelock: Vood priest named "Death", keeping it real classy.

Starkwell: The ladies must love his pad.

[...]

Anyways, then we are treated to a half decent “Zombie Cop rises out of his grave” sequence.  After some more of the shittiest acting I’ve ever seen, the basic plot is that the “Zombie Cop” wants to recruit his former partner in an attempt to stop Zombie Voodoo Priest Guy from taking over the world?

[...]

[Zombie Cop hits the town looking for information.]

Lovelock: Those two “punks” are easily the lamest looking thugs in the history of cinema.

Starkwell: What the... Ok, I’m out.

[...]

Starkwell walked out because the actor portraying the “INDIAN” convenience store owner was a white guy with brown paint all over his face.  With a towel on his head.  An actual towel.  It is the most racist thing I think I’ve ever seen in a movie.  I honestly wish I was joking.  Then one of the thugs called him “towelhead”.  There are also SO MANY forced horrible one-liners.  This movie is embarrassing.

[...]

Lovelock: At least “Dead Next Door” had blood and guts.

[...]

Lovelock: So the cop also has movie posters on his wall?

[...]

Lovelock: Did that guy just tell the cop to stick his badge “up the rear”?

[...]

It gets worse.  There’s another scene with the fake Indian guy.  This time they didn’t even paint his face brown.  But he does have a bunch of dialogue wherein he speaks in an insanely offensive accent.  Also, he says his name and his name is all “gibberish” and super long.  Then there’s a shot of a guy watching “Robot Ninja”.  Bookwalter gives HIMSELF a shout out.  Man, fuck J.R. Bookwalter.

[...]

Lovelock: The kids playing on that soccer field look really confused as to why there are people with camcorders filming a really shitty and slow chase between a guy in a cop outfit and a guy in a Jamaican outfit.

[...]

You know what else is bad in this movie?  The editing.  The music.  The writing.  The everything.  Just a well-rounded painful turd.   The end.  And by the way, the last scene is another scene starring racism.

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner.

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Fistful of Brains.

It’s hard to imagine that this is one of THREE zombie films that this writer director has managed to put out.  Granted with the micro-budget that these are likely made on, I can’t imagine any one of them being particularly grand or wonderful.  I don’t know how long the dudes will hang on this time around.  The intro credits play over, what I assume are scenes taken directly from the movie, while THE WORST FUCKING WESTERN SONG EVER RECORDED plays.  It’s kind of like how at the beginning of a porno they show a small clip from each scene and flash the actors’ names.  Like Anita Hardcock or something.

[...]

[Intro credits go on seemingly forever. With the theme song dragging on endlessly.]

Starkwell: I mean, you’re fucking joking right?

Lovelock: Shot on a Nikon Coolpix camera.  From ten years ago.  Edited by a free program that came with Windows Millenium Edition.

Starkwell: I’m waiting for the starwipe.

[...]

[Characters are introduced in a western ‘town’.]

Lovelock: I think I said this last time we watched one like this, but I think this was filmed at the Great Escape in Lake George.

Starkwell: Judging by the buildings, they’re not trying very hard to look authentic.

Lovelock: Those are some fancy light fixtures for the WILD WEST.

[...]

So there’s a snake oil salesman who sells the townspeople stuff.  And the ‘saloon’ is some dive bar with stuff written in permanent marker all over the ceiling and the bar, stuff like “James and Mindy 4 evah”, which all looks and sounds very authentically western, of course.

[...]

[A bunch of zombies eat some cowboys in the woods.  The one survivor tells the sheriff and FLIPS OUT!]

Starkwell: I know this is terrible, but it’s reaching some seriously insanely, near funny, bad heights right now.

Lovelock: Seriously, I’m nearly entertained by just how much of a trainwreck this actually is.

Starkwell: That guy’s a good actor.

[...]

There isn’t much point in documenting this any further.  There were a lot of laughs.  A lot. I doubt this was meant to be a comedy.  Given how painfully bad this was, I can’t help but want to track down the sequel “Few Brains More”… Of course, Starkwell and Lovelock would need some time before they'd agree to watch it.  Don’t believe the IMDB user review claiming this is like 'Sam Raimi’s “Evil Dead” set in the 1800s'.  I mean I suppose it’s true if you change ‘Sam Raimi’ to ‘High School Drama Club', ‘Evil Dead’ to ‘total piece of shit’ and ‘set in the 1800s’ to ‘filmed in a small town using the local townies as the cast’.  I will say though, the film ends with a girl being thrown off a cliff and has a pretty sweet dummy shot.  A good dummy shot tends to make everything ok, and Starkwell and Lovelock ended up leaving feeling pretty good.

[...]

Lovelock: In a word, TRAINWRECK I CAN’T LOOK AWAY.

Starkwell: That’s more than one word.

Lovelock: This movie could never be described in one word.

Starkwell: Sure it can.  Terrible.

Lovelock: Fair enough.

[...]

This movie is bad in the way that old eighties or seventies movies were bad, which is kind of refreshing.  It looks like a lot of care was put into making it, a lot of time, a lot of effort.  It's kind of fun to see that, even when it is - especially when it is - a colossal failure.  When movies TRY to be 'so bad it's good', it never works.

The Roost.

I don’t know a whole heck of a lot about this movie other than that it is now a few years old and that the director has recently been involved in some of those anthology horror films.  None of what I just said leads me to believe it will be very good, but I’ve been wrong before.

[...]

[DVD Menu and intro has that grainy “faux” grindhouse look…]

Starkwell: So it’s to be one of those?

Lovelock: This was made for the Showtime network?

Starkwell: If it was ScyFy I’d be running for the hills.

[...]

Anyways, the intro is set up as if we are watching some old black and white horror television program.  The director does a decent job making fun of old fashioned black and white cheeseball TV horror.  Unfortunately it takes too long to get going.  Like, yeah, we get it, old horror.

[...]

[The “frightmare” tv show thingy goes on, as he introduces the story of people on a way to a wedding.]

Lovelock: The intro to Disney’s Tower of Terror is more gripping than this.

Starkwell: The movie is only eighty minutes, and he had to pad the beginning with this?

Lovelock:  Plus these credits are taking a good five minutes.

[This is the second round of intro/credits if you count the ones before the fake TV show thing.]

Starkwell: Long, unnecessary… even a bit confusing.

[...]

Around the seven or eight minute mark, now the movie starts.  It’s Halloween (?) and some college kids are on their way to a wedding?  Then a bat or something flies into their car.

[...]

[Old farmer guy goes to lock up his barn and is turned into a zombie by… bats?]

Lovelock: Wait what?

[His wife goes to find him and it cuts away before we see anything, so maybe he isn’t a zombie.  I don’t know.]

Starkwell: Is the movie just going to keep NOT SHOWING us something and then cutting away?

[...]

The film is really poorly lit.  There are a lot of dark shots of the actors holding flashlights and honestly, you can’t see anything.  So the college kids are stranded, and thankfully they are near the farmhouse, which hopefully means someone will get eaten soon.  Thirty minutes in and not much has happened except some college kids getting their car stuck in a ditch.

[...]

[Finally the “goofy” college kid goes to check out the barn.  Dies?  There’s a cop that goes in next, and he… also dies?  Actually we actually SEE the cop die, unlike everything else so far.]

Lovelock: Wait, he didn’t die by bats, he fell out a window?  That’s lame.

Starkwell: Is the cop Trent Reznor?

Lovelock: What?  No.  You’re an idiot.

Starkwell: I’m just trying to find something, anything, to be even just a touch excited about.

Lovelock: Maybe he jumped out the window to hurt himself, today.

Starkwell: Please don't.

Lovelock: To see if he still feels.

[...]

All of this is followed by a whole bunch more of the college kids being all “what should we do?  I don’t know.  What should we do?  Let’s talk about it forever”.  Honestly, JUST DO SOMETHING.  Also, why did they bother make it Halloween, and mention it explicitly... it's fully irrelevant.

[...]

[Finally, zombie cop pops out with a melty face and a rabid demeanor.]

Lovelock: There we go.  More of that, movie, and less of EVERYTHING ELSE YOU’VE DONE SO FAR.

[The college kids beat him to death with a shovel.]

Starkwell: They had him locked up in a barn… why would they just kill him when they don’t even know what’s wrong with him?  Crazy.

[That happens a lot in these movies.  I like to think in real life people wouldn’t go right from “Bill, is that you?” to “SHOVEL YOUR FACE TO A PULP”.]

[...]

Anyways, more running from bats, and hunkering down in a farmhouse, and then running from bats again, and eventually more zombies… but it’s all fairly slow moving.

[...]

[Guy with glasses shoots old lady zombie in the face.]

Lovelock: Wait, he had never even seen her before, and all she was doing was shuffling around in a room…  There was NOTHING about her that suggested zombie, or monster, or SHOOT ME.

[Zombie farmer pops out and bites glasses guy.]

Starkwell: Well that’s more clearly a zombie.

Lovelock: Maybe not.  I mean the dude just shot his wife in the face, maybe he’s just getting revenge.  In conclusion, this is some bullshit right here.

Starkwell: OLD LADY! KILL IT!  That's just bananas.

[...]

Then, as if to say “just when you thought this shit was ending soon” it cuts back to the fake tv show, and the “host” says some dumb shit and then it goes back to the movie.  WHY?!?!?!?!

[...]

[Everyone dies.]

Lovelock: Good.

[...]

The end.  But not before another shitty black and white tv show segment, which, for some reason, this time is in widescreen as opposed to being in full screen as it was earlier.  If you're gonna be lame, at least keep the lame consistent.  GIMMICKS EVERYWHERE! Hate.

Germ Z.

Although it appears that the film’s actual title is simply “Germ”, at some point someone decided to Asylum-ize this film and add the “Z” in order to mockbust the movie based on a book that it ended up being nothing like at all.  That being said, perhaps it was just the marketing that tried to make a mockbuster out of this.  Maybe at it heart, it was originally an original story.  Lovelock and Starkwell will certainly not take all that long to figure it out.

[...]

[Screaming dude runs after a guy with a humpback (?) and then, while screaming, his head explodes.]

Lovelock: Did his head explode or was he wearing a red water balloon hat?

Starkwell: We may be in for a short ride.  Meaning I may leave soon.

[...]

The movie has already bounced the timeline around a couple of times.  The acting is bad.  Real bad.  But it’s a low budget deal, so that can be forgiven.  Anyways, the story seems to be about a meteor bringing a space virus down to earth.  The timeline makes no sense though.  They jumped to “forty hours earlier” but then immediately went back to the present without having any reason to jump around.  So yeah the meteor crashed on Earth.  Also they’ve introduced more characters than they likely need in this movie.  There’s Deputy Guy and his Friend With Benefits that he humped in the woods, there’s her whole family, there’s a bunch of military dudes, and for whatever reason, a yoga class.  And Deputy Guy has a partner who CLEARLY is all “fat comic relief guy”.

[...]

[Friend With Benefits takes her sister to her Girl Scout campout weekend.]

Lovelock: Something needs to happen… OTHER than introducing a bajillion characters that I already don’t care about.

[...]

Then we see a volleyball game with the DOUCHIEST guy ever with a killer farmer’s tan wearing a wifebeater.  Insane.  Enough characters.  I assume the guy making it invited EVERYONE HE’S EVER KNOWN to be in his shitty movie.

[...]

Lovelock: ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

[Starkwell quietly leaves, as to not wake up Lovelock.]

[...]

Nearing the half way mark through the movie, there has not been one zombie in this OUTBREAK movie.  The cover shows a guy in a city armed with all sorts of weapons surrounded by the infected.  All we have is one guy who has been eaten, but it wasn’t shown.  A deputy who has no balls and DEFINITELY no cool guns, and, oh yeah, it’s not in a city, but rather, in a small Crystal Lake like town.  The second half of the film picks up a bit, and at least has some action (some), but all in all, this is a dud, and I can see why Starkwell bailed and Lovelock fell asleep.  What was the head exploding at the beginning?  What in the fuck?  Slow-moving, and pointlessly dragged out… five or ten minutes worth of bad story stretched out to eighty-five boring horrible minutes I can't get back.  Ouch.

Descendents.

Long before George Clooney played an upset widower, in “The Descendants”, there was a terrible Chilean movie called “Descendents” about a mysterious virus turning everyone into zombies.  Obviously the two have nothing to do with one another, but I really didn’t know how else to introduce a Chilean zombie movie that promises to be absolute garbage.  Have fun, kids.

[...]

[Kid narrates, describes the zombie apocalypse, a montage of children’s drawings show the evolution of the world.]

Starkwell: If your kid draws people vomiting blood, it might be time to get them some help.

Lovelock: Or lock your doors, ‘cuz LOOK OUT.

[Apparently the kid is immune and needs to find the ocean (?)]

Starkwell: Wait, is she dancing with a mermaid?

Lovelock: Why does her mom want her to go to the sea?  Dumb plan.

Starkwell: And… she’s supposed to find the magical octopus there?

Lovelock: I’m confused.

[It gets worse.]

[...]

Another montage shows the kid being experimented on, and show her seeing her mom get eaten, and… yeah, now she’s all alone on the beach or something.  They cram a lot into a super schizo intro.  And then it quiets down and we follow Camille, the young girl, as she wanders the wasteland alone.

[...]

[More young girl walking and narrating.]

Lovelock: If this whole movie is this girl walking around and telling us how lonely and hungry she is, I might lose my shit.

[...]

The good news, the movie is only about an hour and ten minutes.  The bad part, so far, it really is mostly just shots of the girl walking around and narrating a shitty screenplay.  Occasionally there are shots of her running away from soldier people… the zombies themselves don’t really scare her because she is immune to them and they don’t attack her.  But yeah, at a few points some army dudes are chasing her and her other immune children friends and trying to shoot them.  Not sure why.  There are a lot of flashbacks of when the world went to shit, but it doesn’t really explain anything, or really go anywhere.  Plus they keep repeating the same flashback, basically.  The zombie eating people parts are decent enough, and it’s nice to see someone tryng to do something different, but the problem is, it really wasn’t much of an idea at all.  Also I hate it.  Man fuck this movie.

[...]

[Ten minutes of a bunch of kids playing in a playground.]

Lovelock: I thought George Clooney was in this…

Starkwell: Why are they speaking English?

Lovelock: This movie blows.  So hard.

[Army shows up and starts shooting the kids.]

Lovelock: Well, at least that.

Starkwell: Wait, why is the army hunting children… and zombies?

Lovelock: I’d appreciate if the girl would stop having the same fucking flashback over and over again.  WE’VE ALREADY SEEN THIS.

Starkwell: HOLY SHIT, yeah we get it, you want to get to the sea.

[...]

Then the kids find the sea and there is a giant octopus that is swatting down the helicopters.  THEN THE GIRL TURNS TO THE CAMERA AND SHE AND HER FRIENDS HAVE TURNED BLUE, GROWN GILLS AND HAVE WEBBED FINGERS AND SPARKLE LIKE DIAMONDS.  Yes.  That happened.  Lovelock straight up passed out after trying to make a joke that simultaneously referenced “Avatar”, “Twilight” and “Waterworld”, and ran out of air.  When he came to, he legit screamed  “THE SMURFS” and then started speaking in tongues.

[...]

[After the credits, it tells us, through the worst fake news broadcasts EVER FILMED, that ten years ago GLOBAL WARMING… caused this?]

Starkwell: And… so…

[No, seriously, you don’t even know how bad the fake news broadcasts look.  The guy is reading his lines off of a piece of scrap paper, and one of the ‘broadcasts’ looks to be in someone’s wood paneled basement, and another one looks like they filmed it in a bar.]

Starkwell: Wait.. so…

[Seriously, this goes on for ten minutes.  After the credits.  Ten out of seventy minutes are after the credits.]

Starkwell: WHY IS THERE AN OCTUPUS WHY ARE THE KIDS SUDDENLY MERMAIDS??!?!?!?!

[...]

It’s one of the most frustratingly bad movies I’ve ever seen.  Must be seen to be believed.  That being said, don’t see it ever.

Jason X.

Jason’s first appearance as a full on zombie in part six was actually not too bad at all.  There was then a steady decline all the way down into ‘Manhattan’ easily one of the worst things ever.  “Jason Goes to Hell” managed to be entertaining in a dumb, but still fun, kind of way.  At this point in Jason’s history, it is the tenth movie (Jason 'X'... get it?).  There is really nothing left to do, except make it be in space, for some reason, and also in the future?  I can’t wait to hear Lovelock and Starkwell rip this movie a new one.

[...]

[Some kind of first person view opening of doctors working on a corpse.]

Lovelock: So… Jason is Robocop?

Starkwell: We should be so lucky… Also, why would they be keeping Jason alive.

[Some Military Nerd Doctor wants to transport Jason to his facility… not frozen?]

Lovelock: Well now they’re just asking for it.

[...]

When they go to the room to find Jason, he has somehow gotten out of his chains and kills everyone.  Pretty awesome actually, since the characters all suck so far and we're all glad that they're dead.

[...]

[Nerdy Scientist Girl locks Jason in a cryogenic freezing something and he drives his machete into her… through the insanely thick steel/whatever doors, and then the WHOLE place freezes.]

Starkwell: Where does one get a machete like that exactly?

Lovelock: Hattori Hanzo.  Or science fiction.

[...]

Then the movie really takes a turn for the dumb when a crew from the future stumbles upon the “ancient” freezing lab.  No explanation is made as to why NO ONE between the present day and miscellaneous future four hundred years later ever went to check on the lab.  Also, there are androids?  The acting is as bad as the dialogue, which in turn, is as bad as the story.  The music is also terrible.  As are the costumes.  As are the sets (seriously, it looks like they went shopping at a "Star Trek: TNG" garage sale.

[...]

Starkwell: Why is the future seemingly made up entirely of horny teenagers making sex jokes and wearing skimpy lil' outfits?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I sure hope I make it that far.

[...]

Then future dummies thaw out Jason and Nerd Girl from the beginning.  They heal the girl with their healing machine, and revive Jason.  Big mistake.  Then there was a stupid scene where a ‘student’ bones her professor.  And by bones I mean rides him while wearing lingerie and twisting his nipple with huge metal pliers.  Simultaneously, two of the other students bone.  And then one of the dudes does the android, or wants to anyways.  Starkwell got up to leave, but then Jason sat up on the bed and killed the dumb blonde.  So Starkwell sat back down, and decided to stay, at least for now.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure Kane Hodder just took advantage of that scene to really feel up that girl’s titties.  He almost pulled her shirt off.

Lovelock: Wouldn't you?

Starkwell: Wait, what?.

[...]

There was a scene where professor brings Thawed Nerd Girl some food and tells her quite casually “oh by the way, Earth is dead, you’re on a spaceship heading towards Earth 2”.  After the requisite “'Earth 2' is a sick album" conversation, both Lovelock and Starkwell laugh non stop at the fact that her reaction to this news was basically “oh cool, show me around your space ship, I'm not in shock at all”.

[...]

[Jason kills people.]

Lovelock: ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz…..

[Starkwell straight up left and went to bed.]

[...]

There are so many characters.  Like in some of the other films, they don’t even bother developing any of them.  Why bother?  Since Jason just ends up killing them all... I guess.  Body count for the sake of body count.

[...]

[Jason kills more people.]

Lovelock: ZZzzzzzzzzz…

[...]

So, it doesn’t matter who they throw at Jason, even “bad ass” military types, and they all die immediately.   Lovelock said the movie really jumped the shark when the android turned her gun sideways to shoot Jason gangster style.  This movie is really bad.

[...]

Lovelock: No one noticed that Jason was “killed” on top of the healing bed/machine?  And now he’s a super Jason?  And it also created new futuristic armor and a new futuristic mask for him? The healing machine also heals things?  FuuuUUUuuuuck this.

[...]

The movie goes on for so much longer than it needs to.  Between this point and the end, they even manage to put Super Jason in the holodeck where he kills virtual reality campers.  Eventually Jason blows up fighting a black dude in a Halo outfit and then they ride each other down to Earth 2, from outer space.  Yes.  Really.  They set it up for a sequel which thankfully never happened.

Zombie Ass: The Toilet of the Dead.

From the land of films like “Girls Swim Team vs. the Undead” and “Big Tits Zombie” comes a film with, arguably, the dumbest title to appear on Zombie Hall thus far (although “Retardead” might forever be the official selection for worst title)… “Zombie Ass” alone wasn’t enough.  They had to throw in “Toilet of the Dead”.  I feel like the film makers are already telling us a lot about the movie and where it belongs with a title like that.  But we’ll see, I supposed.   The film opens with a scientist making a zombie vomit shit into the mouth of his daughter.

[...]

[Opening credits feature dancing girls in hot pants and close-ups of ass.]

Starkwell: Wait, why is he making her eat shit?

[Flashback to earlier in her life, where main character Megumi watches a bunch of mean girls bully her sister, and ask her to eat shit.]

Lovelock: So this is the worst thing ever?

[...]

The next scene featured a guy taking medicine and projectile vomiting everywhere on the side of the road.  It looks like Starkwell is already quite close to leaving.  I’ll be honest, the production value is way above what I think we were all expecting.

[...]

[A model with huge boobs is trying to find parasites in a river, to eat them, to stay thin.]

Starkwell: Wait, why is Megumi with these people?

Lovelock: Why on Earth would she be wearing her schoolgirl outfit when she isn’t at school?

Starkwell: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

[Then they are camping and Booby Girl makes out with the group’s leader.  Megumi hangs out by the river practicing slow Karate.]

Lovelock: Of course.

[Boobly Girl eats a worm that they pull out of a fish from the river.]

Starkwell: Why on Earth would anyone think that would work?

Lovelock: This ain’t Earth.  It’s Japan.

[...]

Then a zombie runs into them and bites off Leader Guy finger and then somehow their van is stolen, so they’re stuck in the woods.  They are all freaking out, except Megumi.  She steps up and is all KARATE TOUGH.  Then Booby Girl starts feeling sick and she walks away slowly towards the outhouse, farting many many times.  Starkwell leaves right around the time she takes her pants off and squats in front of the camera, farting and talking about how she is about to have the worst runs in her life.  Seriously, they focus on her squatting ass farting for like a minute or two.  When she isn’t farting, she’s moaning.  When they aren’t showing her ass, it’s a close-up on her boobs.

[...]

[A zombie hand emerges from the outhouse shit hole, and grabs her ass.]

Lovelock: Wha…

[She farts yellow smoke on the zombie, then he comes out of the shithole and starts ripping her dress off…]

Lovelock: …

[A bunch of shit covered zombies emerge from the nearby woods/house and chase them.]

Lovelock: Okayyyy…

[Booby Girl is unable to run with them, instead she falls down on all fours, with her bare ass still hanging out, and farts a HUGE cloud of yellow smoke that turns into a demon face momentarily.]

Lovelock: DA FUCK.

[One zombie starts shitting from his mouth, then a creature comes out of Booby Girl’s ass. Oh yeah, Booby Girl is dead.]

Lovelock: Oatmeal was a bad choice for a snack while watching this movie.

[Oatmeal is probably a bad choice for any zombie movie, really.  Why on Earth would you eat oatmeal while watching a zombie movie?]

Lovelock: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

[...]

They end up in a cabin with a crazy old man with a shotgun, who immediately blows his own head off.  The zombies seem to ooze shit.  It’s gross.  But the soundtrack is actually really cool.  They start fighting the zombie horde, and the effects are TERRIBLE.  Anyways, it seems like the zombies all have those weird wormy demon things living inside of them, so clearly the worms from the river are causing the outbreak.  Then they are saved by the doctor from the opening scene.

[...]

Lovelock: Again, why on Earth would that other girl also be dressed in her schoolgirl outfit when NOT in school?

[Answer: Because, Japan.]

Starkwell: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

Lovelock: You're back!

Starkwell: Nope.  I left my book in here.  Looks like it got even worse since I left.  See ya.

[...]

Then Leader Guy’s bitten finger catches up with him and his head blows up.  Gore and effect wise, it’s the highlight so far.  Then, obviously, the girl who is showering to wash the blood off asks Megumi to join her in the shower.  And Obviously, Megumi does join her.  But not before they show her stripping for like an hour.

[...]

[Cut back to the earlier flashback, which ended with Megumi’s sister running and jumping off the roof.]

Lovelock: So wait, she’s thinking about that while the other girl is grabbing her ass?

[...]

[Then scientist guy gives his daughter a boiling hot enema and she poops out a four foot long worm, that he collects in a bedpan.]

Lovelock: At least put some fucking gloves on, shit dude.

[...]

So it turns out the scientist is behind the whole thing, he is helping the parasites take over the village people.  Not "The Village People", but the people of the village nearby.  They knock him out and try to escape, but they are clearly all infected.  Megumi is going after the medicine while the two remaining survivors of the gang fight zombies, who now walk around bent over, ass forward with a wormhead coming out of their asshole, and farting CONSTANTLY.

[...]

[Booby Girl is back, the worm coming out of her ass wraps around the other girl in the group, and starts pulling her clothes off… and raping her?]

Lovelock: I held on a while, but honestly, shit-monster tentacle rape softcore porn?  I’m out.

[...]

That scene went on for a really long time.  Booby Girl eventually turns into a giant Fly Monster and goes after Megumi who, ultimately, saves the day.  But not before her shirt gets ripped and her boob is showing for the whole final fight scene, which involves her using farts like a jet pack and flying through the air to fight the Fly Monster eventually shoving a syringe up the monster's ass.  Also there’s more tentacle raping.  This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.