Jason X.

Jason’s first appearance as a full on zombie in part six was actually not too bad at all.  There was then a steady decline all the way down into ‘Manhattan’ easily one of the worst things ever.  “Jason Goes to Hell” managed to be entertaining in a dumb, but still fun, kind of way.  At this point in Jason’s history, it is the tenth movie (Jason 'X'... get it?).  There is really nothing left to do, except make it be in space, for some reason, and also in the future?  I can’t wait to hear Lovelock and Starkwell rip this movie a new one.

[...]

[Some kind of first person view opening of doctors working on a corpse.]

Lovelock: So… Jason is Robocop?

Starkwell: We should be so lucky… Also, why would they be keeping Jason alive.

[Some Military Nerd Doctor wants to transport Jason to his facility… not frozen?]

Lovelock: Well now they’re just asking for it.

[...]

When they go to the room to find Jason, he has somehow gotten out of his chains and kills everyone.  Pretty awesome actually, since the characters all suck so far and we're all glad that they're dead.

[...]

[Nerdy Scientist Girl locks Jason in a cryogenic freezing something and he drives his machete into her… through the insanely thick steel/whatever doors, and then the WHOLE place freezes.]

Starkwell: Where does one get a machete like that exactly?

Lovelock: Hattori Hanzo.  Or science fiction.

[...]

Then the movie really takes a turn for the dumb when a crew from the future stumbles upon the “ancient” freezing lab.  No explanation is made as to why NO ONE between the present day and miscellaneous future four hundred years later ever went to check on the lab.  Also, there are androids?  The acting is as bad as the dialogue, which in turn, is as bad as the story.  The music is also terrible.  As are the costumes.  As are the sets (seriously, it looks like they went shopping at a "Star Trek: TNG" garage sale.

[...]

Starkwell: Why is the future seemingly made up entirely of horny teenagers making sex jokes and wearing skimpy lil' outfits?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I sure hope I make it that far.

[...]

Then future dummies thaw out Jason and Nerd Girl from the beginning.  They heal the girl with their healing machine, and revive Jason.  Big mistake.  Then there was a stupid scene where a ‘student’ bones her professor.  And by bones I mean rides him while wearing lingerie and twisting his nipple with huge metal pliers.  Simultaneously, two of the other students bone.  And then one of the dudes does the android, or wants to anyways.  Starkwell got up to leave, but then Jason sat up on the bed and killed the dumb blonde.  So Starkwell sat back down, and decided to stay, at least for now.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure Kane Hodder just took advantage of that scene to really feel up that girl’s titties.  He almost pulled her shirt off.

Lovelock: Wouldn't you?

Starkwell: Wait, what?.

[...]

There was a scene where professor brings Thawed Nerd Girl some food and tells her quite casually “oh by the way, Earth is dead, you’re on a spaceship heading towards Earth 2”.  After the requisite “'Earth 2' is a sick album" conversation, both Lovelock and Starkwell laugh non stop at the fact that her reaction to this news was basically “oh cool, show me around your space ship, I'm not in shock at all”.

[...]

[Jason kills people.]

Lovelock: ZZZzzzzzzzzzzz…..

[Starkwell straight up left and went to bed.]

[...]

There are so many characters.  Like in some of the other films, they don’t even bother developing any of them.  Why bother?  Since Jason just ends up killing them all... I guess.  Body count for the sake of body count.

[...]

[Jason kills more people.]

Lovelock: ZZzzzzzzzzz…

[...]

So, it doesn’t matter who they throw at Jason, even “bad ass” military types, and they all die immediately.   Lovelock said the movie really jumped the shark when the android turned her gun sideways to shoot Jason gangster style.  This movie is really bad.

[...]

Lovelock: No one noticed that Jason was “killed” on top of the healing bed/machine?  And now he’s a super Jason?  And it also created new futuristic armor and a new futuristic mask for him? The healing machine also heals things?  FuuuUUUuuuuck this.

[...]

The movie goes on for so much longer than it needs to.  Between this point and the end, they even manage to put Super Jason in the holodeck where he kills virtual reality campers.  Eventually Jason blows up fighting a black dude in a Halo outfit and then they ride each other down to Earth 2, from outer space.  Yes.  Really.  They set it up for a sequel which thankfully never happened.

C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud.

The mid to late eighties had a few horror genre “sequel in name only” releases that took their namesakes and blew them to smithereens.  “House II”, “Return of the Living Dead Part 2”, Hell even “Creepshow 2”.  “C.H.U.D. II: Bud the Chud” is no different, and promises to be an absolutely miserable film.  I can’t wait.

[...]

[Robert Vaughn is some Colonel presiding over the hearing where they are discontinuing the C.H.U.D. research.]

Lovelock: “CHUD 2” and “Zombi 5”?  This was definitely his golden age…

Starkwell: Did that woman say the "C.H.U.D. enzyme"?

Lovelock: Who knows, I've already stopped paying attention.

[...]

Then there’s a "CHUD" that escapes his bed and runs around in the lab until they capture him by freezing him with fire extinguishers.  I think Colonel Vaughn intends on setting the "CHUD" loose in some small town.  On Halloween?  Not sure.  We were all busy bitching at how the "CHUD" isn't a "CHUD".  Then it cuts to the high school and we are introduced to Rebel Steve and Nerd Kev.

[...]

[Steve and Kev accidentally push a dead body on a stretcher out the delivery door at the school.  It rolls down a hill onto the highway.]

Lovelock: What high schools have unsupervised and fully uncovered dead bodies sitting in the storage room?

[They go to the hospital and steal a body.]

Starkwell: I’m guessing one that's run by the same people that run this hospital and leave a frozen Military-Owned "CHUD" unsupervised in a local hospital.

Lovelock: How did they get past the guards?  How did they get in the "CHUD" room?

Starkwell: How did they get out?

Lovelock: Wait… is this “Weekend at Bernie’s”?

Starkwell: Also, no one ever found the original dead body?  The one they left rolling down the highway?

Lovelock: Maybe it's still out there, rolling from town to town, getting into adventures.

Starkwell: Like "Weekend at Bernie's"?

Lovelock: "Weekend at Bernie's" mixed with "The Littlest Hobo".

[...]

Steve and Kev reanimate the "CHUD" in the bathtub.  He gets out of the tub and slips on the floor.  DEEERrrrrrRRRRrrrrp.  Anyways, then Lovelock and STarkwell got into another lengthy venting session about how this “CHUD” is one hundred percent not a “CHUD”, but instead is just an undead dude walking around groaning like a monkey and/or Tim the Toolman.  Don't smell the dog food, silly "CHUD"!  Uh oh, the "CHUD" is chasing after the dog!  Now the dog’s a "CHUD".  DeeeerrrRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRp.

[...]

[There’s a “Bud the Chud” theme song playing over a montage of people getting all "CHUD".]

Lovelock: Every time they refer to one of these non "CHUD"s as a "CHUD", I think a little piece of me dies.

Starkwell: I’m done.

Lovelock: Me too.

[...]

This movie sucks.  I’m fairly certain that no one involved with this hunk of shit actually ever SAW the original film. The guy who wrote this, Ed Naha, also wrote “Honey I Shrunk the Kids” the same year.  He used a different name, M. Kane Jeeves, for this one.  I don’t blame him.  I wouldn’t want anyone to know I wrote it either.  The ironic thing is that he also wrote the original “Troll” movie, a movie that had one of the most famously bad “sequel in name only” films ever produced.  “Troll 2” has no trolls in it, and let me tell you, if you’ve ever seen “C.H.U.D.” you know, this film has no "CHUD" in it AT ALL. Hate is a strong word.  And Starkwell and Lovelock agreed that in this case, it isn’t strong enough.

The Crow: Salvation.

The sequel to “The Crow” was essentially a mockbuster, of itself.  This looks to take the myth in a different direction, so at least if it’s horrible, it won’t be horrible and unoriginal.  Well, it will still be somewhat unoriginal since it’s the third movie based on the same comic book.  And chances are it will be extra horrible.

[...]

[Guy is sent to the chair for killing his girlfriend, who he did not kill.  The guy who did kill her, THE MAN WITH THE SCARS on the arm, is there watching.]

Lovelock: And that’s why I’m against the death penalty.

Starkwell: Mature.  Surprising.

Lovelock: Yeah, I believe in Thunderdome.

[...]

[He revives almost immediately, in the morgue.]

Starkwell: The crow is working fast in this case…

Lovelock: He’s still smoking!

[He pulls off his melted face and heals, but somehow has “The Crow” 'makeup' on.]

Starkwell: Well, that’s one way to do it… I guess.

Lovelock: I’ve been robbed of another rise from the grave scene.  Robbed I tells ya.

[...]

So we meet Kirsten Dunst who is apparently dead girlfriend’s sister.  And The Crow immediately goes on a manhunt for the people that framed him.  He starts with a random junkie, and then moves on to a crooked pedophile rapist cop.  The rest on the list are also crooked cops.  Apparently the crooked cops hang out counting their crooked money in the upstairs of a shady sex club.  A crooked sex club, obviously.

[...]

Lovelock: None of the actors in this film look tough at all.  Is it just me?  No one is menacing.

Starkwell: Nah, I feel the same way.  Hell, even The Crow looks like he wants to help me pick out linens at Sears.

Lovelock: This is what The Crow would be if he was played by Michael Cera, or Jesse Eisenberg.

[...]

I think Starkwell said something about how everyone looked like Mormon accountants.  Makes sense since this was filmed in Salt Lake, apparently.  Meanwhile, Kirsten Dunst finds out who The Crow really is, and starts to believe his story.

[...]

[The Captain is apparently involved.]

Lovelock: Remo Williams is a bad guy?

Starkwell: He’s Scar-Arm?

[The captain is played by Fred Ward.]

[...]

Kirsten Dunst finds out that her father knew about all of thsi shit, the whole crooked cop thing.  Maybe her dad is Scar-Arm.  The main problem that Starkwell and Lovelock have with the film is that, much like in the shitty sequel and UNLIKE the original classic, we don’t give a shit about the main characters, AT ALL.  Not The Crow, not Dunst, NO ONE.  The film makers made no effort to develop any characters ever forever, NEVER.   Anyways, The Crow figures it all out, goes to the sex club and kills everyone, leaving only Remo.  Eventually he finds Remo, her crazy girlfriend and their weird torture chamber.  Seriosuly?  He catches Remo and brings him to the electric chair.  Remo dies, The Crow wins, and the audience loses about an hour and a half.  The end.

Zombie 4: After Death

Claudio Fragassi is best known as the visionary behind “Troll 2”.  But honestly, he is SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT!  He seemed to have spent the better part of his directing career under either an alias (this one for instance is credited to one ‘Clyde Anderson’), or as an uncredited director brought in to finish works that were abandoned by Bruno Mattei.  If Mattei gives up on a movie, I’m afraid to see the finished product.  Nonetheless, here we are.  “After Death” or as it is also known “Zombie 4”, begins with a throaty dude talking complete nonsense about a group of humanitarian scientists who conduct research on a remote tropical island, research to fight man’s oldest foe: DEATH.  Then horrible eighties synth rock starts playing and Lovelock and Starkwell immediately start rocking out all over the living room.  Buckle up folks, this is gonna be one nutty ride.

[...]

[Voodoo Priest says gibberish while Tina Turner (not actually Tina Turner) does an interpretive dance to horrible synth tribal music.  Light enters her mouth and she vomits.]

Starkwell: I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that they won’t explain much in this one.

[Tina Turner sinks into the ground, and floats to hell.]

Starkwell: Luckily, the group of nerds with machine guns and flashlights seem to know what’s going on.  

Lovelock: Also, they look like they work in a zoo.

[Nerds gun down Voodoo Priest, Tina Turner explodes out of the ground, as a zombie and rips off one nerd’s face.]

Starkwell: Why?

Lovelock: When things make me happy, I find it best to stop asking questions, and fall deeply in love.

Starkwell: What's love got to do with it?

[...]

There are a bunch of characters.  We don’t really know who any of them are, or how they relate to one another.  I don’t think that really matters, since most of them have already died, and there are rabid running zombies everywhere trying to kill, and likely eat everyone.  Lovelock is grinning from ear to ear.  Starkwell is grinning too, but mostly because he’s laughing so hard at the movie.

[...]

[Some little Blonde girl survives, and now we flash forward to her all grown up and she and her mercenary friends end up on the very island where everyone died.]

Starkwell: So how did she survive?  What happened to the… ? Why wouldn’t she know that wasn’t just a dream? What… the fuck… ? Who has mercenary friends?

Lovelock: Dude, “Zombie 4” eats your questions for breakfast.

Starkwell: Will it vomit answers?  Please?

Lovelock: Who needs answers when you have people being eaten every minute?

Starkwell: Well, me, for one.

Lovelock: Your loss.  YOUR LOSS.

Starkwell: Wait, did she mean to go back to that island?  I’m confused.

[...]

[A group of three researchers venture into the cave, end up swarmed by zombies, two are eaten.]

Lovelock: It’s like Meat Loaf says, “Two out of three ain’t bad”.

Starkwell: Dude, it’s all bad.  This whole thing is bad.

[Then they show the same zombie rising out of a grave twice, almost in a row, and Starkwell and Lovelock both laughed hysterically.]

[...]

Then the Surviving Scientist meets up with the Mercenary Gang, and they blow away a million zombies.  But they JUST KEEP COMING.  This movie’s body count is impressive, and we’re only an hour in. 

[...]

[One mercenary turns zombie, eats girl’s face, goes after Blondie, and then absolutely everyone shoots him in the face.]

Starkwell: I love how they were like “We can’t kill Tommy!” and then one minute later all scream “Kill him!” and machine gunned his face.

Lovelock: Yeah… real conflicted… and then they throw his body into a bonfire.

[...]

Then Blondie SUDDENLY remembers everything about her past.  Seriously, every intricate detail, details she couldn’t possibly know, since she was only like four at the time.  Starkwell rolled his eyes so hard he passed out momentarily.

[...]

Lovelock: Can we just stop for a moment and talk about how killer this soundtrack is?

Starkwell: Moment’s up.

[Suddenly one of the zombies has a consciousness and can talk and laugh and use a gun.]

Starkwell: Sure.  Why not?

Lovelock: No seriously, why not?

[...]

[Dude goes Kamikaze and explodes the house.]

Lovelock: Did he just FISTPUMP while exploding?

Starkwell: Does that make it good?

Lovelock: That makes it the best.  The best ever.

[...]

Blondie tries to close the gates of hell, she fails, her face explodes and Captain Science is ripped apart.  Now she becomes the QUEEN DEMON.  I think.  Same synth rock from the opening credits start playing and Lovelock plays air guitar so hard he starts crying.  Starkwell just leaves the room.  It’s obviously no “Zombi 2”, and it doesn’t quite hit the hilariously explosive heights of “Zombi 3”.  But “After Death” certainly earns itself a place in history among the best of the “so bad they are good” movies, wedged somewhere just below “Zombi 3”, which in turn is being sat on by “Nightmare City”, which is being peed on by most of Lucio Fulci’s work.

Return of the Living Dead Part II.

Some film series are great from first film to last.  Others take a couple of movies before they really veer off into the great unknown land of turds (think “Lethal Weapon” or the “Die Hard” films).  And others, like the “Re-Animator” films, took a massive nosedive IMMEDIATELY following the first film.  Given Dan O’Bannon’s excellent first film… I’m a little worried to see where this second installment will end up in the hands of writer-director Ken Wiederhorn.  The good news is, he was the guy that wrote and directed “Shock Waves”.  The bad news is he also later directed the “sequel in name only” to “Meatballs”.  Have at it, boys.

[...]

[Soldier driving truck full of Trioxin cans gets high and listens to bad music, when he hits a tiny pothole, canisters of Trioxin fly into the river.]

Starkwell: Don’t get me wrong, I get the notion of a wildly irresponsible army dude smoking weed while driving toxic materials… but you’d think they would have fastened the canisters in a little better… or maybe even, oh I don’t know, PUT A FUCKING BACK ON THE TRUCK!

Lovelock: Yeah but then we wouldn’t have a movie.  I, for one, applaud the shitty writing.

[...]

[Two bullies force a kid to join their club. While trying to beat him up near a cemetery, they find a canister and open it up.]

Lovelock: KIDS?!??!?!  This ain’t good…

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were a little confused by the fact that two of the actors from the first movie are in this one as well, except that they aren’t playing the same characters… which makes sense since they died in the first one.  Anyways, now they’re stealing shit from graves to pawn for money.  The gas from the canister starts trickling into the cememtery.

[...]

[One of the Bully Kids is sick, from breathing in the Trioxin dust.]

Lovelock: Had better not all be centered around a zombie kid.

[Dorky Kid goes back to cemetery, runs into a tar man.]

Lovelock: HOORAY!

[Dead people start emerging from the ground!]

Lovelock: I’m feeling better.  A lot better.

[...]

It becomes pretty clear pretty quickly that this movie will have no problem being “goofy”, as we have already heard the now famous “brains!” a few times, and have witnessed all sorts of zombie physical comedy. Then the main girl, the lovely Brenda, punches through a zombies head, and there was much rejoicing in the crowd.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m willing to forgive the use of annoying ass kids if there is to be more face punches like that.

Starkwell: I’m willing to forgive the horrible soundtrack, over-the-top zaniness, and atrocious acting if… no… actually I’m not, not under any circumstances.

[...]

If the movie wasn’t trying SO HARD to be “funny” and “kerrrrazy”, it would probably be much better than it is.  As Starkwell said, a severed rotting zombie head speaking in a bad southern accent telling them to “get tha’ damn screwdriver outta my head” isn’t funny it’s “absolutely lame, in every way.”

[...]

Starkwell: It bugs me when a movie can’t make up its mind about what kind of zombies it has in it…

Lovelock: It always bugs me when you won’t shut up during the good scenes.

Starkwell: THESE are the good scenes?

[...]

Then one of the actors who was IN THE FIRST FILM says to the other “I feel like we’ve been here before, like it’s a dream I’ve had before”.  He did everything but wink at the camera.  There are some great zombie kills and the effects are decent enough.  I mean, actually, some of the effect work is really cheesy, but as Lovelock said, “it’s always nice to go back and see proper non-CGI zombies”.

[...]

Starkwell: Inconsistency number a million: if these zombies want to eat human brains, why would they be eating animals at the pet store?

Lovelock: Inconsistency number please shut up.

Starkwell: And why do they run sometimes, but then most of the time shuffle around?

Lovelock: Because no one cares.  Especially not the writers.

Starkwell: Wait a minute… that one can drive a car?

Lovelock: Alright, I’ll admit, that’s super weak.

[...]

[It turns out that the zombies can be stopped by electrocuting them, so the “heroes” round up all the zombies in town into a big puddle and shock them.]

Starkwell: We’re just supposed to buy that they managed to get all of the zombies there?

Lovelock: I guess…

Starkwell: And that the eight year old kid can figure out how to drive stick in five seconds?  ANd reach the pedals in a huge truck?

Lovelock: Umm…

[...]

Anyways, before it’s all over, we end up seeing a fight between Dorky Kid and Zombie Bully Kid, a super lame “Michael Jackon’s Thriller” joke, and another shot of bad southern accent severed head zombie from before… who’s there somehow.  Talking.  Ugh.

The Crow: City of Angels.

It’s difficult to even ask Starkwell and Lovelock to watch a sequel to “The Crow”.  Will the sequel destroy the pleasant memories that they had of the first film?  Will it just make them miss Brandon Lee even more than they already do?  Given that the film is directed by a music video director, and that this was his one and only foray into 'actual' film… things don’t look so good.  BUT!  BUT!  The writer, David S. Goyer, would later go on to pen movies like “Dark City”, and the Christopher Nolan reboot series of Batman films.  So, there is still some hope that this will turn out alright in the end.  Goyer started his career writing Van Damme movies, and look where he ended up… maybe this was the turning point.  We’ll see.

[...]

[Girl wakes up in her super loft with Gabriel the Cat.]

Starkwell: So, that’s the girl from the first movie?

Lovelock: I guess she isn’t blonde anymore, also, she’s… a hooker?  That helps street kids?

Starkwell: If she wants to help street kids, it might help if she didn’t look stoned out of her mind.

Lovelock: Or like so much of a hooker.

[...]

Then it cuts to some gang of bad dudes, and a flashback of them drowning a dude and his son in a river.  All the usual stereotypes are there.  Creepy Asian woman, strung out dude with a goatee, red-haired guy with a camcorder, a naked Black Guy taking a hot shower and, of course, Iggy Pop… you know, the usuals.  I don’t mean someone that looks like Iggy Pop.  It’s actually Iggy Pop.

[...]

Lovelock: Of course she’s a tattoo artist.

Starkwell: Of course they call her “The Mistress of Pain”.

[...]

The girl playing Sarah, actress Mia Kirshner, seems to be approaching the Sara character with that, as Starkwell put it, “Zooey Deschanel style of acting”… which according to him basically means to constantly “look spaced out, scared, confused and bored at the same time all the time, also, to do it in a very hammy way.  Fuck you.”  This was before Zooey’s time though, so I guess she was paving the way for that kind of acting.

[...]

[Drowned Dude, named Ash, wakes up and emerges from the water like a Cirque du Soleil performer.]

Starkwell: How is he doing that exactly?

Lovelock: Is that the Crow or Criss Angel or Alegria?

Starkwell: Is there really a difference?

Lovelock: Compared to Brandon’s rise from the grave, that was wicked lame.

[...]

Then there’s a weird scene where Iggy Pop is dancing to an old Stooges song, and all around him topless women are licking each other.  There was some dialogue, but all that Lovelock and Starkwell took from the scene is that Iggy Pop sucks at acting, or at least that he didn’t care to try for the duration of this film.

[...]

[In a flashback, we find out that Ash’s kid wandered out in the street to witness a murder, and that was why they were both killed.]

Starkwell: What kind of kid runs out into the street when he hears gunfire?

Lovelock: A dead kid.

Starkwell: Dude, harsh.

Lovelock: And that’s why I don’t have kids.

Starkwell: Yeah… that’s why.

[...]

There’s a montage of Ash getting his gear on, and it’s as long as it is pointless.  There really isn’t very much character development, and by the time Ash finds the first gang member and explodes him, Starkwell already declared “seriously, who cares?” several times. It looks like Lovelock cares a little, because he does like exploding bad guys.

[...]

Starkwell: This movie feels like the movie that “The Asylum” would have made to coincide with the release of the original Crow movie, if “The Asylum” existed at the time.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock had a good laugh when they realized that the camera wielding red head was actually just Tom Jane in a bad wig and “Clockwork Orange” makeup.  But then the scene transitioned into a horribly awkward scene where he was jerking off at a nudey booth and the laughter stopped completely and forever .

[...]

[Iggy Pop finds Tom Jane dead in the nudey booth.  The Stooges play.  Again.]

Lovelock: Hey audience, look it’s Iggy Pop!  Let’s remind you every chance we get!

Starkwell: As if somehow landing Iggy Pop for the prestigious role of “Second in Command Bad Guy” adds credibility to your shitty movie.

Lovelock: It would be nice to have a theme song though, in real life... mine would be the song from "The Littlest Hobo".

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: That's Hobo-Style!!

[...]

[Sarah paints in her enormous loft.]

Starkwell: Nobody owns that many candles, let alone has them all lit all the time.

[...]

[The score from the original film plays as Ash pulls his dead son out of the water and buries him.]

Starkwell: If they were trying to remind us of how much better the first film was… MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

[...]

Then Ash fights the Creepy Asian Woman and it’s one of the slowest and lamest looking fights ever.  Starkwell got up and left half way through saying “well, I’ve seen enough”.  Lovelock said he was sticking around to “see if they explode Iggy Pop while ‘The Stooges’ play in the background.”  Eventually there was an explosion involving Iggy Pop and his motorcycle, but no “Stooges”.

[...]

[Boss Man Judas kills crow, drinks its blood and apparently gains super powers?]

Lovelock: Well… that’s new… Also, lame.

[...]

[Ash impales Judas on a pipe, and then shoots a million crows out of his body right at Judas and disintegrates him and then the black energy (?) of Judas is carried away by said million crows.]

Lovelock: … Umm…

[...]

Anyways, Sarah dies, but at least Gabriel the cat lives.  In conclusion, from the writing, to the directing, to the visuals and set design, to the acting, and even to THE SOUNDTRACK… all of this feels like a very terrible remake of the first film.  An unnecessary remake made immediately after the first film was released.  This is just a shitty bullshit inferior imitation, with none of the heart, balls or talent of the original.  I guess it took Goyer a few tries before he was able to write something like “The Dark Knight”.  Yuck.

Quarantine 2: Terminal.

The first "Quarantine" was a carbon copy of the Spanish film "REC".  While the actual Spanish sequel to "REC" apparently picks up right where the first one left off, this film has absolutely nothing to do with anything ever.  Or so I’m told.  I feel like they must have seen how GREAT "Flight of the Living Dead" turned out and thought, yeah, let’s do that shit on a plane, and then they'll be stuck in a terminal... DIE HARD STYLE.  That has to be how these people think.  Anyways, let’s see what Starkwell and Lovelock think.

[...]

[Opening shot, stewardesses in a taxi, one of whom is putting her shirt back on.]

Starkwell: What is the need to show her with her shirt unbuttoned?

Lovelock: Obviously we need to establish that they are in a rush.  Or that she has boobies.  Whichever.

[The stewardess shows her friend her autographed copy of the new “Band of Horses” album.  And pictures of her with the band.]

Starkwell: Dear movie, showing a cool album doesn’t help your movie.

Lovelock: If anything that product placement hinders the band and their album.

Starkwell: "Cease to Begin"?  More like "Cease to Be Cool."

Lovelock: There it is.

[...]

Lovelock: Obviously there’s a lame twelve year old with a BAD ATTITUDE.

Starkwell: And a fat guy.

Lovelock: And the stewardesses are all SEXY and wanting to get all SEXYSEX with the passengers that they deem to be SEXWORTHY.

[...]

It’s honestly not horrible, at least the film is keeping them guessing as to who the virus will originate from.   There’s a decent amount of characters, but it’s a small enough plane that it’s not too over the top.  The movie isn’t wasting too much time trying to develop characters.  Starkwell was like “it feels like the film knows that its characters are lame”.

[...]

[PhD guy, lets call him PhDude, is watching the news, and there is a story about an apartment building being quarantined.  Fat Guy turns into a rabid lunatic.]

Starkwell: Wait, so they tie it in to the first movie by showing the building, but then they make the actual infected people look and act completely differently?

Lovelock: I smell a “SEQUEL IN NAME ONLY” type of a deal here.

[...]

The plane lands and the passengers end up in some weird part of the terminal and are placed under quarantine by army.  Or by police.  Or something.  Starkwell and Lovelock were mostly quiet as the film was playing out.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, there were definitely a few places where Starkwell pointed out plotholes the size of Canada, but other than that, they weren’t saying a whole lot.  This could also be because not a whole lot was even happening.  Around the halfway point, it starts to finally pick up some steam.  Not enough to really spark much conversation though.

[...]

Lovelock: Fast FAT zombies are so played.

[...]

[Stormtroopers go into quarantined area.  Shit goes down, and then they aren’t let back out.  They bust out and are gunned down by their own people instantaneously.]

Starkwell: Why would they ever go into the quarantined area if it’s so obvious that they won’t be let out?

Lovelock: For fun I guess.

Starkwell: Who’s fun?

Lovelock: I don’t know.  Certainly not ours.

Starkwell: That whole scene was pointless.  Maybe the most pointless ever.

[...]

Teacher Scientist PhDude ends up being all evil and in on it and shit.  None of the virus explanation really makes any sense with regards to the original story.   It completely changes the whole thing around.  It would be like if someone other than Romero made a sequel to "Day of the Dead" and totally made up their own origin for the zombie apocalypse.   Sounds familiar.  I mentioned this to Starkwell, and he just yelled out “CONTAGIUM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and ran out of the room crying.  MOving on.  Honestly, not even the gross out factor of a dude sticking a needle in his eye is going to make Lovelock hate this any less.

[...]

Lovelock: Of course the twelve year old kid knows how to use night vision goggles and that hand gun.  And his aim is perfect.

[...]

There was one shot near the end when Stewardess smashed PhDude’s head in, which was pretty sweet.  But that’s about it, really.

[...]

Lovelock: Holy shit, of course the kid starts crying.  Shit, Stewardess looks fugly in night vision.

[...]

After like five more minutes of the kid crying through his night vision goggles, he escapes.  And then it shows that the kid’s in Vegas.  I’m not sure if this is to imply that they want to make a follow-up called something like “Quarantine 3: Double-Down”.  But I can name at least two people who won’t want to see it if they do.  Good thing they don’t have a choice.  I makes the rules.

Revenge of the Living Dead Girls.

An unofficial sequel to the Rollin “Masterpiece”, this one is directed by Pierre B. Reinhard, which, for all we know is another alias of the infamous French director.  After all, Zombie Lake wasn’t directed under his actual name.  No matter who the director is, the film certainly will turn out to be a challenge to sit through, and Lovelock and Starkwell are ready for the challenge.  Or a least, they think they are. The menu screen shows an option for an ‘alternate ending’, which we just may have to view later.  For now… PLAY MOVIE!

[...]

[Trucker picks up injured girl, motorcycle follows.]

Starkwell: She’s pretty trusting to just follow a trucker into an abandoned old tower of some kind.

Lovelock: Shhhhh… apparently rubbing her upper thigh is helping... helping her injuries.

Starkwell: Oh brother…

[...]

As the plot began SLOWLY developing, and it turns out that the poisoned milk is making women die, Starkwell and Lovelock spent several minutes trying to decide of the film was originally filmed in French or not.  Either way, they agree that the overdubbing is hilarious, the acting is atrocious, and the mood is lightly pornographic.

[...]

[Captain Motorcycle disposes of The Company’s toxic waste in the ‘middle of nowhere’.]

Starkwell: So, apparently the middle of nowhere is directly on top of the recently deceased’s graves?

Lovelock: Well, duh, how else would they come back for revenge, as living dead girls.

Starkwell: So it just happens to be the three that died from tainted milk?

Lovelock: Well, duh, how else would they come back for revenge, as living dead girls.

[...]

So basically there’s a dude that went and had sex with the woman that the living dead girls had just killed with a heel to the eye, but he never realized that she was dead, until THE NEXT DAY, when the Evil Secretary told him that she was dead, as she tried to get the sexy sex out of him.  He doesn't even seem disturbed that he had sex with a corpse last night, and then left... the corpse.  I guess he doesn’t mind when the girls don’t say anything, or move at all.  A little while later, the living dead girls bit a guy’s penis off, to which Starkwell said something along the lines of “Oh fuck off” and left the room.  Lovelock stayed mostly quiet for the rest of the film.

[...]

Lovelock: It must be nice to have such smooth and perfect hand when your face is all decayed and rotten.  Actually, the decaying face part of it probably isn’t very nice at all, granted it would make the hands appear even smoother.

[...]

Then the Chemist was referring to the chemical burn on his hand, and holding his hand up and there was CLEARLY no burn on his hand.  Apparently they didn’t bother with the makeup.  Then the Chemist tried to explain what was going on, and NOTHING ADDS UP.  Ordinarily movies have the occasional continuity issue, like a drink changing hands, or a button being done, then undone.  But this film's continuity errors are so in your face, it almost makes it awesome.  Almost.   Lovelock started laughing, and I’m pretty sure he kept laughing until the awkward lesbian scene (that ended with sword-into-the-vagina death) silenced him.  Then during the horrifying INSTANT miscarriage in the shower scene, Lovelock decided he was done with this movie and walked out.  I think he was still watching from the other room though, because he came back in when Captain Motorcycle was TOXIC WASTED.  Then the movie ended all of a sudden and Lovelock let out an awkward laugh.

Children of the Living Dead.

It “stars” Tom Savini and is directed by a guy named Tor Ramsey.  There is a definite connection to the original “Night”, given that John Russo produced it, and I think it even stars children of some of the people involved with the Romero works.  So how bad can 2001’s straight-to-video “Children of the Living Dead” really be?  I’ll tell who is about to find out.  Lovelock and Starkwell.  Wait until they hear that Savini is only in the first five minutes.  I read an interview with Savini wherein he called this movie a “piece of shit”.  It’s with that glowing stamp of approval in mind that I proudly present this DVD, bought at a DVD outlet store for two dollars, to Lovelock and Starkwell.

I should probably mention that the DVD is from Quebec, and somehow lacks the English audio track.  So, we will be viewing this one dubbed into French.  Honestly, it probably helps the film, just by adding a level of unintentional hilarity that these film makers are likely incapable of.

[...]

[Helicopter gunman mows down a bunch of Zombies.  Savini takes down a bunch.  Then he explores a farmhouse and explains that zombies don’t attack children.]

Lovelock: ACTION PACKED THRILL RIiiiiIIIIiiiiIDE!!!

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t they attack children?  This is dumb.

Lovelock: If it maintains this level of action, I may be willing to forgive it.

[Savini flips out and then dies in the slowest moving zombie attack ever committed to DIRECT-TO-VIDEO.]

Lovelock: I think the bad dubbing helps cover up the bad acting.

Starkwell: I think I’m going to have a lot of trouble making it to the end of this one.

[...]

[Lame “college aged” kids drive drunk… 14 years later.]

Starkwell: Funny… it feels like fourteen years have gone by since the movie started.

[The lamest looking zombie EVER jumps / dances / sachets out into the road.  The bus flies off a cliff.]

Lovelock: Best scene ever.

Starkwell: Honestly, if they rolled credits now, they could totally save this movie.

[...]

[At the funeral for the “kids”.]

Lovelock: See, that’s why having a name like ‘Candi’ is weird to me, because at the funeral, they say “we will miss you… Candi…” and it just doesn’t sound sincere.  It sounds more like a stripper's going away party.

Starkwell: "We will miss you, Candi... good luck at community college next year."

Lovelock: Exactly.

[...]

Sometime after that, the Lame Super Zombie goes around biting into ALREADY DEAD PEOPLE and making them rise up out of their coffins.  Starkwell is putting his shoes on, very ready to leave TOP SPEED.  At least if that happened, something would be moving fast.  Eventually after another twenty minutes Lovelock was fast asleep and Starkwell was long gone.

[...]

[Nothing happens… dubbed in French.]

Lovelock: ZzZZZzzzzzzz….

[...]

The movie eventually ended and restarted without waking Lovelock up.  

[...]

[Lovelock wakes up, ten minutes into the film, the second time it started playing.]

Lovelock: Woah, I must have been asleep.  I had a nightmare about the worst movie that I have EVER SEEN and…

[Lovelock notices the movie playing.]

Lovelock: What the...?? NOOOOOoooOO!!!!  IT’S A MAD HOUSE!!!

[Lovelock runs away crying.]

[...]

Let’s just say Tom Savini was being kind in that interview.  The French dubbing helped elevate it to a somewhat surreal level, but a surreal and shit level, nonetheless.

Zombi 2.

“Zombi 2”, or “Zombie”, or “Zombie Flesh Eaters”…  Whatever you should choose to call it, you must certainly call it amazing.  Lucio Fulci’s original undead splatter fest was often imitated, never duplicated.  Although made to cash in on the popularity of Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead”, “Zombi 2” ended up being something so much more than a coat tail riding blood soaked exploitation spectacular.  Well, it still is a coat tail riding blood soaked exploitation spectacular, but it’s such a good one!  This DVD from Shriek show has a second disc full of special features.  I know I’ll never actually watch them, but it’s nice to know that they are there.  After Lovelock and Starkwell enthusiastic reception of Fulci’s “The Beyond”, I’m curious to see what they will have to say about this one.

[...]

[Body Bag sits up, shot in head.]

Lovelock: I think I’m already in love.

Starkwell: You're sort of easy...

[...]

[Cops board sailboat, cop is eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never board an abandoned sailboat.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well that and the pirate potential.

[...]

After the incredible intro scenes, the movie slows down a little as we are introduced to the characters more, and find out that West, the reporter, and Anne, the doctor’s daughter, are traveling to the islands to find out just what happened to her father.  Starkwell appreciated the character and plot development, I believe Lovelock said “I should be bored, but for some reason I’m not.”

[...]

[Then they randomly stop the boat so that Susan can scuba and photograph stuff underwater.  Naked.]

Starkwell: Why in the hell would she scuba dive naked?

Lovelock: She’s not naked.  She’s wearing one of those old fashioned bathing caps with the flowers.

[...]

Then a shark goes after Susan, but wait, that’s no shark.  It’s a zombie shark.  Then there’s an underwater zombie that attacks her.  Then, there is a zombie vs. shark fight, filmed with a real shark, and, honestly, quite possibly a real zombie.  Starkwell and Lovelock high fived and played air guitar.  This continued until it randomly cut to a scene of The Scientist’s Wife showering (with several mirrors placed around the shower, presumably so that we can see both her front and back simultaneously) with a zombie outside her window.  At this point, they stopped and resumed paying attention to the film.

[...]

[THE GREATEST EYEBALL GAG EVER FILMED.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Why don’t they do that in every movie?

Starkwell: You mean every zombie movie?

Lovelock: No. Every movie.  Imagine how it would improve any movie.

Starkwell: You can’t have that in any movie…

Lovelock: Name a movie.

Starkwell: I don’t know… “The Horse Whisperer.”

Lovelock: ScarJo flies off the horse, and when Redford tries to catch her, she accidentally jams a screwdriver into his eye.  BAM! He wears an eye patch the rest of the film.  Totally improved.

Starkwell: Wait why would she be riding a horse with a screwdriver in her hand?

Lovelock: Look, do you want the movie to make sense, or do you want it to be better?

[...]

As the movie presses onwards at a deliberate pace and more is explained, we find out through flashbacks what the opening scene was all about.  Lovelock said it’s “even better the second time”.  Starkwell is noticing that the film manages to sprinkle a little bit of everything into the mix and that “if zombie movies were bagels, this movie would be an EVERYTHING BAGEL”, whatever that means…  Then they showed a group of zombies feasting on Eyeball Gag Girl and I think Lovelock wept a little.  Tears of joy, of course.

[...]

[Peter and Anne make out, in the dirt.]

Starkwell: So all of what they just saw put them in the mood?

Lovelock: Well-

[Zombies pop out of the ground all around them and grab them.]

Starkwell: Holy shit, those are real maggots!

Lovelock: I just got a boner.

[...]

As the zombie horde closed in on them, bunkered down in the church, one couldn’t help but notice how disgustingly scary Fulci’s zombies are.

[...]

[Zombie bites off Science Man’s face.]

Lovelock: Not much meat on the face… Kind of a dumb zombie if you ask me.

Starkwell: No one asked you.  Ever.

[...]

[Brian kills zombies.]

Starkwell: So wait, he shoots one in the chest, and then realizes that only a head shot kills them, but then makes the same mistake three or four more times?  Just shoot them in the fucking head, Brian!

Lovelock: Seriously.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me three times, go ahead and eat the girl I’m trying to save.

Starkwell: It hardly seems fair that she pays for his inability to learn…

[...]

[Zombies have overrun New York City.]

Starkwell: Why would there still be so much traffic on the bridge if the zombies are everywhere?

Lovelock: Look Fulci’s awesome, but I doubt he could get them to shut down the bridge just for that one shot.

Starkwell: Regardless, it’s still an amazing shot.

Lovelock: Oh shit, THE END!

[...]

Before the credits even finished rolling Lovelock was off in a corner somewhere making “Zombi 2” wallpaper for his bedroom.  Starkwell sat quietly, wanting more.  More Fulci, more McCulloch, more Zombi, more everything.  Unfortunately, we already know that “Zombi 3” won’t deliver the good stuff.

Day of the Dead 2: Contagium.

Nothing says exploitation like calling yourself a sequel to movie that you had nothing to do with.  To exploit the Romero title even further, the DVD opens with a preview for the original Day of the Dead.  Thanks Anchor Bay.  The movie hasn’t even started yet, and I already hate it.  On top of that, it took two people to direct it.  Wow.  Starkwell and Lovelock still care to give it a chance, so here we are.

[...]

[Flashback to the sixties, hospital in the midst of zombie outbreak.]

Starkwell: That is the worst Russian I’ve ever heard.

Lovelock: I don’t think they had sneakers like that in the sixties.

Starkwell: The acting is awful.

Lovelock: Maybe that’s how people really were back then.

[...]

Although they made fun, a lot, they did notice that there was a fair amount of killing going on.  But then a narrator started waxing philosophical and Starkwell shot milk out of his nose.

[...]

[The inmates find the Thermos.]

Starkwell: So, apparently a Thermos can sit for forty years on the ground in a "ravine" and look exactly the same, except for a little dirt on it.

Lovelock: Well, yeah, they’re magic after all.  They keep the hot stuff hot and the cold stuff cold.

[...]

As we get introduced to the different characters Starkwell and Lovelock agree that the film makers are trying way too hard to make the characters diverse.  The doctor seems cool enough though.

[...]

[Thermos opens, thing falls out.]

Lovelock: Is that a tampon?

Starkwell: Something tells me that we’ll never get an explanation.

[...]

[Attendant shuts lights off to the women’s cells.]

Starkwell: You can see the camera crew in the reflection!

Lovelock: They looked excited, that must have been a really good take for them.

[...]

[Doctor writes email.]

Starkwell: Why would he dictate the email out loud, while typing it?

Lovelock: So we can know what he is writing, DUH!

Starkwell: Yeah but... aw never mind.

[...] 

[Tampon shoots glowing stuff, gives them all coughs, eventually glowing things touch their foreheads.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never keep a tampon found in a forty year old Thermos.

Starkwell: There would definitely be more than just that one reason.

[...]

As the movie pushed forward and the main characters started turning and looking all gross, Starkwell couldn’t help but notice how often the extras in the movie would look at the camera.  Lovelock felt that there was at least three too many barf gags.  I missed the next half hour of their conversation, because I fell asleep.  It might have been from boredom or from the fact that Lovelock and Starkwell kept on repeating “Tonight, we sleep.”  I think I heard Starkwell mentioning at one point that, at the very least it was “admirable that the film makers haven’t resorted to showing random boobies just for sake.”   The movie focuses a lot on character development and story, which can be the recipe for a good zombie film, if the movie is well written.  Can you guess if this one is?

[...]

Lovelock: GET ON WITH IT ALREADY!

[I woke up.  Still, nothing is happening.]

[...]

[More philosophical narration.]

Starkwell: Seriously, this is embarrassing.

Lovelock: On the bright side I’m pretty sure they’re all going to die.

[...]

[Random bearded fat guy tells them whats going on.]

Lovelock: The story of the Tampon?

Starkwell: That’s the second worst Russian accent I’ve ever heard.

Lovelock: If he knows what’s going on, why would Beardy McFatass go there?

[Beardy McFatass is eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never hang around people I know are about to turn into flesh-eating zombies.

Starkwell: Yeah, that's why.

Lovelock: I prefer mindless zombies to ones that hobble around making bad jokes and giggling like little school children.

Starkwell: Why would anyone think a zombie baby is a good idea?  It’s not, it’s the worst.

Lovelock: Dead Alive.

Starkwell: Ok, why would anyone OTHER than Peter Jackson think that they can pull it off?

[...]

There was one good scene, where the super zombie, that pretty much looks like a guy covered in bloody shit, has his limbs ripped off.  Starkwell said “finally”, Lovelock said “too little, too late.”

[...]

[Zombies eating people outside.]

Starkwell: I think they just went to the mall and asked who wanted to be in their shitty movie.

Lovelock: They probably got paid in hot dogs.

Starkwell: They got ripped off.

Lovelock: Who?

Strakwell: Everyone.  Especially us.

Lovelock: I was going to say that their performances were probably more worth a Tootsie Roll, or one of those bags of peanuts you get on an airplane.

Starkwell: I usually take the blue chips.

[...]

A low budget piece of shit like this can sometimes get away with calling itself a zombie movie if it has enough zombie action, or a good story, or good acting, or good dialogue.  Although there was a fair amount of gore (albeit poorly realized), this one does not have enough of any of those things, and what action it does have, takes far too long to arrive.  It’s also well over an hour and a half, which is an absolute eternity for this sort of movie.  It certainly does not have anything to make it worthy of the “Day of the Dead” moniker.  In conclusion, fuck you, "Day of the Dead 2: Contagium”.