FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. III

I figured the best way to bring the guys back into the fold here was with a good old-fashioned Netflix Film Fest EXTRAVAGANZA.  Plus with Netflix I don’t feel bad if they don’t watch the whole thing because I’m not out the price of a shitty physical disc.  Also, in general it’s just easier to document if they bail early in the film.  So.  Buckle your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a long night.

[Zoombies (2005)]

Not going to lie, when they saw the production company was The Asylum, they almost made me stop this piece of garbage before it started.

[...]

Lovelock: Take Jurassic Park, add a helping of We Bought a Zoo, and just a pinch of Noah’s Ark.  Now subtract Matt Damon and remove everything good about the stories I mentioned and… BOOM – you got yourself Zoombies, kind of.

Starkwell: We’ve watched one minute of the movie.

Lovelock: Yeah but I mean, for fuck’s sake look at the font they’re using for the credits.

Starkwell: Right?

[...]

Hard to argue with that?  Soon after that a bad CGI monkey died and reanimated and included MONKEY POV.  Lovelock and STarkwell both started laughing and eventually got real quiet and said “yeah no, please stop the movie” and “NEXT” and “HARD PASS”.  We almost made it past the cold open.

[Condemned (2015)]

I think that we’re all okay with the concept behind this one, but it starts with this “CREEPY” old narrator.  Also known as bad start.  Starkwell says something about the fourth wall or like “can’t a movie just fucking be a movie.”  Then they got into a weird conversation about whether or not it should be “fucking be a movie” or “be a fucking movie”.  Meanwhile the movie continued.

[Entitled Princess goes with her “Bad Part of Town Punk Friends” to their apartment where they are squatting in a condemned building.]

Lovelock: first, she has it coming.  Second, I’m already totally fine if she dies, third, let’s move along to that part.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[We then meet the KERRAZY tenants at the condemned building.  It’s boring.]

Lovelock: This is boring.

Starkwell: Who would even save these boring people?  NOT WORTH IT.

Lovelock: Torch the building, and the people and this movie NOW.

[...]

So yeah, takes forever to get going and in the end it’s more like the Crazies of the Crazies was a super boring and shitty movie.

[Zombeavers (2014)]

At a runtime of 75-ish minutes, they should be able to get through this one… maybe?

[...]

Lovelock: Is that Bill Burr and John Mayer?

[...]

After a legitimately funny opening with these two known people, it could only go down from there, obviously.  And it does.  BOY DOES IT EVER.  The actual movie, follows three girls on a vacation at some lakehouse, because EVERYONE HAS A LAKEHOUSE!  It’s mostly bad beaver puns and innuendos and excuses to get the actresses to take their tops of.

[Beaver attack in the lake.]

Lovelock:  Bad effects, but still, charming beaver puppets.  Glad they didn’t go CGI.

Starkwell: I guess.

[...]

The short runtime saves it from being a full on zero, along with the fantastic beaver muppets, but honestly, I could have done without the human turns beaver stuff.  Somehow worked with that sheep movie but not with this one so much.  And why make a guy get his dick eaten?

[Splatter (2009)]

I think it’s safe to say that we are all here for Corey Feldman.

[...]

Starkwell: This thing is 30 minutes too long.

Lovelock:  It’s only 30 minutes long?

Starkwell: BINGO.

Lovelock: IT’S SO SIMPLE.

Starkwell: Nailed it.

[...]

That’s a Corey Feldman album reference, if anyone cares.  What a dull hunk of shit.  I think that was enough punishment for now.  Until next time.

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Zombies STILL all over the small screen...

People like Malone have been 'binge watching' before there was a term for it, and no surprise, he has been devouring all things zombie that the idiot box has to offer.  So here we go in another edition of "Malone takes on TV Zombies".

[...]

Hey asshead.

Since you just copy paste my letters like the lazy buffoon that you are, I'm going to structure this letter a little more like the rest of your dumb posts where you chronicle the moronic banter of those two tools.

[...]

I'm going to interrupt this, actually to say... HARSH.

[...]

Most people probably come here for Malone anyways.  So give the people what they want.  Alright. So I've been combing the depths of Netflix for more TV Shows with zombies that I have checked out yet.  My search came up, to my surprise, with some totally adequate and competent television.

iZombie, from 2015, is into its third season at this point, and I have to say, maybe it's because I went in with a super low bar, but this thing delivers.  Funny, for the most part, when it tries to be, and a cast of actors that I actually want to keep watching.  Characters that I want to root for!  Look, some of it is a bit lame, and not ALL of the jokes land, but the story and hook to the show is original enough to keep me engaged, and I ended up wanting to go back for more.  Three out of four!

Moving along.  I finally got around to watching Ash vs. Evil Dead.  Bruce Campbell dusts off the old Ash role and slaps it on like a nice comfy old pair of jeans.  Ash seems to be a bigger asshole than I remember... but maybe it's just been that long since I've seen the original movies.  Honestly, seeing him reprise the role, and for an ongoing, well produced, well written TV show... I mean, it give me a bigger joy boner than seeing Ford do Han again.  And believe me, that was a big boner.  Speaking of big boner, damn, Ash is a huge dick.  Three out of four as well.

At some point I knew I'd get to one I didn't like so much.  this brings me to The Returned... an A&E (?) production that is the fourth (?) re-ash of the same story.  I know the French one "Les Revenants" was based off a French movie, so this is the second or third level in of "based on based on based on" or something.  Not a bad show. But how about just doing one that hasn't already been done.  Lump this one in with Spiderman and Batman in the "I DON'T WANT ANOTHER VERSION WHO EVEN GIVES A SHIT IF ITS GOOD" category.  Two out of four.

My journey through Netflix, thankfully ended on a high note.  The Glitch is fucking cool.  It does bear some similarities to the above mentioned re-hash of a re-hash, but it is its own thing entirely.  I won't spoil anything, but it is well written, well acted, and at times, creepy as you want it to be.  FOUR ON FOUR.

There.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Love, Malone.

[...]

Great.  Now I have more stuff to add to my list of things I want to watch but probably never will have time to.  See you on the other side.

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Zombies All Over the Small Screen.

He’s already once expressed his love for the wildly popular “The Walking Dead”, while simultaneously hating on how popular zombies have become.  It was only a matter of time before he started checking out some of the other shows that have popped up in the wake of the AMC show's success.

[...]

Well hello again, good sir.

I’ve been kind of going crazy with the binge watching of late, and I stumbled upon a couple of real gems. And some turds, obviously.

I started up with the somewhat slowly paced “The Returned”, a French show based on the film “They Came Back”, or “Les Revenants”.

The show starts slow, and keeps that pace mostly throughout the eight episodes that I watched.  Much like the film, it has a very serious tone, is totally weird and confusing, and at the same time, kind of scares the BAJEBUS out of me.

Unlike the film, the show starts off focused on a bus load of children that flew off a cliff suddenly coming back a year later as if nothing happened.

AND THE PARENTS FLIP THE FUCK OUT.

It’s eerie, it’s cool, and Mogwai did the soundtrack.  And Mogwai kicks fucking ass and helps create mega tension.

Like in the film, the undead essentially try to resume their lives, unaware, seemingly, that they died.  But there’s all sorts of mysterious shit going on and we are trying to figure out what the deal is.  Super cool.  I can’t wait to see the second season.  Good, and complicated, characters.  Great dialogue and acting.  More television needs to be like this.

Which brings me to the somewhat unnecessary American version of “Les Revenants” called “Resurrection”.  I can’t say it’s bad, actually.  At least it’s SORT OF doing its own thing.  It’s not like when “Quarantine” came out as a nearly identical, but just in English, version of “REC”.  I haven’t seen enough of it to really pass any judgment.  It got picked up for a second season, which doesn’t NECESSARILY mean anything, but it does mean they got to develop the story further.  Which is always a good thing.  Not sure if the third season is coming or not.

Next up, in an attempt to liven things up, I went for the tragically short-lived MTV show “Death Valley”.

I can see why this show didn’t make it on a network aimed at people who watch shows about teen moms, people falling on their testicles, and other such dumb shit.  Most MTV shows that aren’t reality TV are on par, creatively speaking, with most Disney Channel shows.

“Death Valley” was gory, ACTUALLY FUNNY, and in a way, fairly original.  Which makes it a strange offering for MTV.  Shot mockumentary style, and following a police department in charge of taking care of werewolves, zombies and vampires, I found myself digging the characters immediately.   Well-paced, well written, and a lot of fun… obviously, it was cancelled after one season.  Had the show been on a network like FX, or even something like Showtime, AMC or HBO, the series’ fate might have been radically different.

Which brings me to the VIOLENTLY unfunny, unoriginal and unnecessary ScyFy Channel original, “Z Nation”.  It’s a production from “The Asylum”, so honestly, I don’t even need to watch a single episode to know that it is a complete piece of shit - a lame mockbuster cash grab attempt to ride the zombie wave.  But, I felt I should watch at least one episode.  All of my suspicions were more than correct.  In short, the show should be called “ZZZZZzzzzzz Nation”.  Because it’s boring.  So boring.

And yet, I could totally see it going on for a couple of years.  Because somehow shit like this gets watched.  Somewhere out there are idiots thinking "man, can't wait for the new season of Z Nation".  And then they take a selfie and talk about how good "The Big Bang Theory" is.  Brutal.

Next up on my marathon of binge watching was a BBC show called “In the Flesh”.

HOLY SHIT.  The zombie apocalypse is over, and the government are rehabilitating the “used to be” zombies of the world.  The doctors call the formerly dead “partially deceased syndrome sufferer”.  It’s not that no one has tackled the idea of “what if the zombies stopped being zombies” or “what if there WAS a cure”, but in a way, kind of nobody has.  At least not with the serious tone of this show.  Within five minutes I can tell that I am not going to want to stop watching this one.

Way recommeneded.  I’m glad I watched this after “Z Nation” because, quite honestly, I thought nothing would ever clean my brain of that depressingly bad show.

After all of this, and ending on a zombie show high note, I decided to take it up another notch and settle nicely into binge watching a ‘not actually a zombie show, but it has zombies in it, technically’, known as “Game Of Thrones”, anxiously looking forward to any scene with the ‘White Walkers’, who are, basically, MEDIEVAL ZOMBIES FUCK YEAH.

And there are dragons.

Also, all of the wonderful female nudity is pretty nice.

[...]

He can complain all he wants about the zombie’s surge in popularity, but from the sound of it, even he agrees that it has lead to some rather good television… definitely more interesting than all the vampire crap out there in the wake of “Twilight”.  Except "Z Nation" which sounds worse than it sounds.  Anyways, here’s hoping that it takes at least a couple more years before we get a zombie sitcom starring Zooey Deschanel or some shit.

WHO’S THAT ZOMBIEeeeeEeeeeeee…

Ugh.

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Kids' Shows with Zombies in Them.

Burt just sent me an email out of the blue, complaining about Kids' Shows with zombies in them.  This might have to do with  the fact that I recently heard Burt Malone is gonna be a father soon.  I think he’s frustratingly trying to find something he could watch with his kid other than the standard fare.

[...]

HOLY SHIT Kev, where to start?

First, I tried watching one episode of “My Babysitter’s a Vampire” and it made me throw up all over my own face.  The first episode starts and it’s as if I’m supposed to already know who these two fucking knobs are.  Saying shit like “newbs” and “spellcaster” and “vampire killing”.

Like all shows about teenagers, the plot revolves around a guy doing what he's gotta do to try to get into girls' pants.  He may not know that’s what he’s doing, but that’s what he’s doing.  In this case that means bringing her dog back to life.  And then one character was like “Harry Potter would be ashamed” and then I’m pretty sure there was a foghorn sound, and then this theme song starts that sounds like a terrible Sugar Ray B-Side, and I stopped watching.

I did however skip forward to the actual “zombie” episode, and it was even worse than I thought it would be.  Truth be told, I probably would have liked this show if it were on when I was a kid.  That’s not saying much though, because I used to look forward to watching TGIF.

Step by step.  Day by day.  Moving right along.  

I decided to give R.L. Stine’s “The Haunting Hour” a shot, and I must say, this one was much more delightful.  It helped that the zombie episode I watched had the kid from “Modern Family” in it.  Eventually the kid reanimates a corpse (?), and honestly, the makeup job is sweet, and it’s fairly scary.  If my TGIF watching self had seen this, I’d probably have shit my pants.

The story plays out like something in between “Re-Animator”, “Frankenstein” and, well, “Lassie”?  One lame thing though, “The Haunting Hour” is only a thirty minute show, which I think might be confusing for children.

Cheeky the zombie likes the Home Shopping Network!  And in the end we even get to meet his zombie mom!  It’s all fairly cool.

This R.L. Stine show got me thinking about that “Goosebumps” show from twenty years ago.  There was a two part ‘living dead’ type episode where all the townspeople are poisoned by some kind of chemical disaster.  Part one is slow moving and boring.  It picks up a little bit in part two but I can’t help but feel that most kids, if they aren’t too afraid to watch this kind of show, will not have the required attention span to sit through it.  Nice to see the Canadian landscapes though.  Like in the newer R.L. Stine show, the zombies look pretty sweet, although the “SPECIAL EFFECTS” when the zombies steam/dissolve/die in the sunlight are PISS POOR.

Apparently there’s a movie coming out called “Goosebumps” where Jack Black plays R.L. Stine.  So that’s something to… look forward to?

After “Goosebumps” I tried watching “Frankenweenie” but fell asleep eating a sandwich.  I mean the plot is like a combination of that FUCKING “Vampire Babysitter” episode I watched and the more enjoyable “Haunting Hour” (this may not be accurate though, I feel asleep very quickly).  Why is it that in kid-friendly horror stuff they always bring dogs back to life?

I would like to say, however, that what I saw of “Frankenweenie”, was actually quite good, and the animation kicked fucking ass.  I don’t blame the movie for my falling asleep, I blame the genoa salami.  Also I ended up having nightmares.  Again, not from the movie, probably from the genoa.  Stupid nightmare sandwich.

If I follow YOUR scoring style, I'd have to give the babysitter show a 1/4, "Haunting Hour" and "Frankenweenie" a 3/4 and the old "Goosebumps" a 2/4.  But since I don't follow YOUR scoring style, I will give the babysitter show a "FUCK YOU", the haunting hour gets a solid "MEH", "Goosebumps" gets the honorary award for "90's haircuts and mom jeans" and "Frankenweenie" gets a Tim Burton.

IN CONCLUSION.  I think I’m better off waiting until the kid is older, and just introduce him to real zombie movies right off the bat.  How old is old enough to watch Fulci movies?  Six?  Definitely by seven, right?  In the meantime, I’ll just show him Looney Tunes cartoons.

That’s it, I’m actually gonna go watch some cartoons now.

[...]

He should have also watched “Paranorman”, which was actually pretty awesome too.  Good luck with the baby Burt Malone.  Try and squeeze in some time to write me, from time to time.

FILM FEST: Cartoon Zombies Vol. II - Still a Mixed Bag.

Thus far, Starkwell and Lovelock have been none too impressed with cartoon zombies.  I don’t mean the zombies in “I Am Legend” (burn), but rather, what I mean is zombie films that are entirely animated.  It’s no secret that their tendency is to prefer old campy sludgy special effects, and old campy sloppy movies… so cartoons are a tough sell.  Let’s see how these ones do against them…

[...]

[ Blade of the Phantom Master (2004) ]

The “Resident Evil” animated films also hailed from Japan, so just because it’s all ANIME and JAPAN and shit, doesn’t make it an obvious cool choice.  This director eventually went on to direct “Animal Crossing: The Movie”… so I don’t know what that means…

[...]

[The narrator explains the story in Japanese.  The subtitles are… in Japanese?]

Starkwell: Is this a joke?

Lovelock: Well, at least I don’t need to even try reading and can just make up my own story…

[Once the dialogue starts, there are English subtitles for that.]

[...]

[Main character meets a guy while walking through the desert… this guy has a pet bat who looks all cute.]

Starkwell: Of course.

[...]

The cartoon moves pretty quickly, not sure what direction it is going in… we’ve seen the main guy fight and kill a bunch of man-eating desert lizard people.  So that was cool.  His desert friend is dead, but of course, the cute little bat survived.  From what we can gather, he is now going to go save the fiancée of the dude he just exploded to save his own ass from the cannibals.  I think he figths an evil emperor and goes to Hell?  I don’t know.  There is some fairly cool zombie content, they look decomposing, gross and awesome… and the whole thing is nicely put together.  Starkwell and Lovelock seemed pleasantly surprised over all.  Still though, fairly bored at times.

[...]

[ El Santos vs. La Tetona Mendoza (2012) ]

This will definitely be their first Mexican cartoon, but not their first shot at El Santos.  The live action version from the sixties had them cheering at times, so let’s see if a cartoon can get any of that positive reaction.

[...]

[El Santos smokes a joint and travels to a land of chocolate, tits and naked titty ladies squezzing their tits.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Did WE smoke the joint?

[A green guy wearing sunglasses pulls a rabbit out of a hat/vagina of a naked woman laying on the ground.]

Starkwell: This is as good a time as any for me to take a break.

[...]

Shortly thereafter there was a song about how wonderful peyote is.  And they talked a lot about El Santos ex-girlfriend who has huge boobs.  Then El Santos gets on this whole thing where he says zombies in Mexico are not treated fairly, so they put together a “We Are The World” type of video about helping Mexico’s zombie population.  Lovelock is seriously amazed.  This cartoon is fucked up.  But at times, pretty funny.  And it has some decent zombie content, though more comical than anything else.

[...]

[Final scene involves El Santos talking to an orange and pushing out a massive dump in a bathroom with booby-themed wallpaper.]

Lovelock: Euuuh…

[They show his hairy asshole opening up, and he poops out a joint that he then smokes with Booby Girl, and then they get married.]

Lovelock: So, it’s saying that weed is the solution to all of life’s problems?

[Insane.]

[...]

[ Monsters Vs. Aliens: Night Of the Living Carrots (2011) ]

This is from “Dreamworks Spooky Stories: Volume 2”.  It’s a ten minute long short, so it shouldn’t take long at least.  It is from Dreamworks, so it should at the very least have some decent production value, like “Kung-Fu Panda Christmas”… right?

[...]

[Zombie carrots rise from the ground and go after people… carrots bit people, people become zombies.]

Starkwell: Nice!

[The monsters are stuck in their house, surrounded by zombies and zombie carrots.]

Lovelock: See, now THESE people know what they are doing.

[The short film is short, but is a lot of fun, and manages to get more pleasure out of Lovelock and Starkwell in its short runtime than a lot of films, especially cartoons, do in full ninety minute runtimes.]

[...]

[ Help Me Daddy, I’m a Zombie (2011) ]

Ok, well, onto Spain and a really cheap computer animated feature that promises o dazzle, bore, horrify and bore.  It’s the story of a non-conformist teenage girl who dies and comes back as a zombie.  She tries to get back to her old life with the help of her undead friends, but its all like DERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRP.

[...]

Starkwell: It’s only when you see a cheap cartoon that you realize how much better the big productions look.

Lovelock: Oh boy, this is gonna be a long one.

[Eighty minutes of this?  Sheesh.]

[...]

Anyways, eventually in her rebellion against her divorced parents she runs into a tree and dies and rises in the cemetery.  The animation isn’t QUITE as bad as Starkwell made it sound.

[...]

[According to this film, water, sunlight OR fire destroys a zombie.]

Starkwell: That would make the zombie apocalypse a Hell of a lot more manageable.

Lovelock: "It looked like the world would end.  Then it rained."

[...]

Anyways, she helps destroy evil and whatnot and ends up being returned back to life, but like, for real life, not zombie style.  Also, it may have all just been a dream.  Forgettable, and truly abysmal if compared to other full length kids features like “Paranorman”.

[...]

[ The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror III: Dial ‘Z’ for Zombies (1992) ]

I figured it was good to end them on a high note.  They had a rip-roaring good time watching this episode, and then ended up watching half of Season 4, just for fun.  In the world of cartoons, whether we’re talking about films or television, The Simpsons really have done it all, and they’ve done it all so damn well.

[...]

Lovelock: “He was a zombie?”  BAHAHAHAHA!

FILM FEST: Zombie Apocalypse - Double the Mediocrity.

When someone says "cookie cutter zombie film", if anyone ever actually says that (okay, I say it, so I guess what I meant was "When I say "cookie cutter zombie film""), they are (I am) talking about shit like this.  And in this case, they made TWO movies.  How cookie cutter is it?  We've already watched TWO other movies called "Zombie Apocalypse".  So what better way to destroy Lovelock and Starkwell's hopes and dreams, then this crap?  It's gonna be a long night.

[...]

[ Zombie Apocalypse (2010). ]

If the movie looks half as cheesy as the DVD menu, they are in for one hell of a shitshow.

[...]

[Some guy beats on another guy and the dialogue is horrible and sounds horribly overdubbed.]

Starkwell: Come on… another one of … what is that music?

[Guy who is tied up kicks a zombie onto the ground.]

Lovelock:  I agree that this looks terrible, but I think that stunt double really must have gotten a concussion from that fall.  It looked horrifying.  I give the film some points for that.

[...]

The intro is full of stock footage from news broadcasts.  It looks bad man.  Bad.  And then we are introduced to some characters that are in… college?  They look EASILY thirty five.

[...]

[Girl sits in a pool of "blood".]

Starkwell: Wateriest blood ever.

Lovelock: Looks like watered down fruit punch Gatorade.

[...]

[Chunky Goth Girl gets fired from her video store job.]

Lovelock: I miss good video stores.

Starkwell: I miss good videos.

[...]

This movie is complete nonsense.  For example, the two main guys stop in the middle of a street and out of nowhere a girl runs into the shot and is like "Hey, I heard your tires screech!".  Between that, the bad dialogue and the shitty acting and the shitty special effects… Starkwell called it quits twenty minutes into the first film.  Lovelock is in it for the long haul… and what a long haul it is going to be…

[...]

Lovelock: The movie looks like a cheap film from the early nineties.  I don't know how it is even possible that it's only a year or two old.

[...]

Lovleock: Holy shit, we get it, you liked "Agent Smith" in the "Matrix" films.  Fuuuuuuuuuuck you.

[...]

Then there was "everyone grab weapon" scene that was somehow even lamer than most of them are.

[...]

[Girl asks for a cigarette as they go to fight zombies, claiming "now seems like a good time to start smoking."]

Lovelock: Seriously?  Now is like the worst time to start smoking.  Plus she's all chunky, so running must already be hard.

[Harsh.]

[...]

The main characters get captured by some kind of militia.  Each person is a terrible cliché.  There's GUY IN GAS MASK, Cowboy Guy, Bow and Arrow guy, and of course, ARMY FATIGUES.  Considering the outbreak has been going on for a couple of hours AT MOST, it's even dumber than usual that there would already be a group of bandits operating as some sort of army, acting like they've been together for years.

[...]

Lovelock: Wait… when did that guy cut his hair?  And why does his accent keep changing?  Why BOTHER with fake accents when no one can act?  Why do these FUCKING movies always make that mistake?

[...]

Anyways, Lovelock obviously hates it, and is REALLY working hard to not to leave.  He manages to stay awake until the end of this one, we'll see what happens during part two… It looks like the kind of thing where if you KNEW the people that made this thing, you'd still hate it, but at least have fun laughing at it.  For everyone else, it manages to escape even the "SO BAD IT'S GOOD" territory.

[...]

Lovelock: Wait a bit before you start the next one.  I have to go do a serious dump.  I think it was brought on by the last ninety minutes.

[...]

[ Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011). ]

You got to hand it to the film makers in that, they had the balls to make not one, but two of these… and somehow get Fred Williamson to be in the second one.  But sometimes less is more.  Or, as Starkwell would say, sometimes none is more.  Starkwell came back into the room as this one starts up though, just so you know.

[...]

[Opening music, very synth heavy.]

Starkwell: While I can appreciate the vibe they are going for, I can't help but feel like they are about to disappoint me.

Lovelock: Clearly this opening music is going to be the high point.

[They're not lying, it's very Gianni Rossi inspired.]

[...]

The budget looks considerably higher for this one, at least initially.  We are treated to a nice scene of a dude stranded in a desert, pissing on his own bandana to keep himself cool… ?  Or hydrated?  He is eventually found by three random people who rescue him, and then it cuts to some sort of Mad Maxian society, where they have put some dude on trial for treason, and they set him on fire.

[...]

[Fred Williamson is the leader of the crew that saved desert dude.]

Lovelock: His name is Moses?

Starkwell:  Like Black Moses?

Lovelock: That is racist, dude.

Starkwell: No, I meant like Isaac Hayes...

Lovelock: Too soon, dude.  Too soon...

[...]

It's pretty clear that they are going for that whole fake grindhouse thing.  It CAN work, but often doesn't.  Fred Williamson is helping make it almost work in this case.  The main character is named KNOX.  He's wanted by the Evil Mad Max Society People.  Good thing he was rescued by the Seemingly Good Society of Wandering Weenies.

[...]

Starkwell: Good LORD the sound mixing is BAD.

[...]

I understand, as I said, what they are going for… but we could ALL do without the long pauses between EVERY line of dialogue.  Surprisingly the acting is decent, definitely "cheesy on purpose" but it works.

[...]

Starkwell: LEAPS AND BOUNDS over the first movie, I must say.

Lovelock: So you like it?

Starkwell: No.  Very much no.

[...]

The film quality is giving both guys a headache… half of the screen is always blurry.  It's like one of those fucking Instagram options.

[...]

Lovelock: When I survive the zombie apocalypse, remind me to NOT be one of those douchey looking guys wearing hockey equipment.

Starkwell: Deal.

[...]

Cheesy and pretty stupid, still, there's something likeable about the characters.  Not enough to save this film, but enough that Starkwell hasn't left yet.

[...]

[Knox sits out looking at the stars.]

Lovelock: I have that same damn lawn chair.

[Knox and Sarah get close and cuddly.]

Starkwell: Obviously.

Lovelock: I think I want the apocalypse to come... seems like it's way easier to hook up with girls.

[...]

Starkwell: Zombies eating a baby? Really?

Lovelock: Actually pretty gross.

Starkwell: What are the odds that a pregnant zombie woman and man would have survived in an abandoned warehouse, all alone in a room in the back, and then had the baby, turned to zombies, BUT THE BABY DIDN'T, and then they begun eating said non-zombie newborn EXACTLY when Knox and Fake Kurt Russell happened to get there?

Lovelock: Pretty good I guess, since it just happened.

Starkwell: Wrong.  The odds are terrible.  Worse than terrible.  They are the worst odds of all time.

Lovelock: So what you're saying is that they beat the odds.

Starkwell: What? No. Fuck off.

Lovelock: Against all odds...

[Then Lovelock went into a five minute venting session about the importance of consistency with regards to the zombies in these films, because ALL OF A SUDDEN the zombies were running.]

[...]

Then both Starkwell and Lovelock laughed for five minutes when the "raiders" showed up at the good guy camp because of, well, a few things that happened.  The "raiders" knocked down the good guy gate with grappling hooks, even though it clearly wasn't even being held up by anything.  Also Lovelock is pretty sure that the "stunt men" were hitting each other with Nerf bats.  And then to top it all off, Fred Williamson randomly strikes karate poses.

[...]

Starkwell: Fred Williamson karate beats guns?

Lovelock: Fred Williamson karate beats anything you got.

[Then Fred Williamson gets a minigun and it's way lamer than the karate moves.]

[...]

Anyways a few montage type sequences go by, and one dude is trying WAY TOO HARD to look like Kurt Russell Snake.  But I guess three of the main dudes are going on a rescue mission.  Then they rescue them and blow up the bad guy headquarters, which is actually a huge church.  Lovelock and Starkwell seem mostly, well, just bored.  And that, as they say, is that.  There's even a Princess Leia strangling Jabba reference near the end.  Trying WAY TOO HARD, and totally out of place.  Fred Williamson disappears halfway through the movie too… BUT THEN MAKES A COMEBACK AFTER THE CREDITS!  I assume it's because they only had him for a day.

[...]

Lovelock: Did they make a third one?  Can we not ever watch never ever?

[...]

So yeah, not really a glowing review.  Redemption was an improvement, but the film makers have MILES to go.

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. II (With a Touch of Redbox).

Part Redbox, part Netflix, all unbearable.  I present to you: More recent zombie SHIT.  I feel bad launching an onslaught like this onto Lovelock and Starkwell, but to make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs.  In this case the omelet is documenting their conversations and the eggs are their spirits, brains and patience.  The quality ranges from “could only get through five minutes” to “almost able to watch most of it”. 

[...]

[ The Dead Reborn (2013). ]

Starkwell: Wait… is this just three other movies chopped up into one “anthology”film.

Lovelock: Why is the video quality so bad… it looks as though they filmed a TV showing the film.

[Seriously, the first segment is from The Dead Hate The Living, which they already watched (well they started it and stopped in the middle of it).]

Starkwell: So it’s a new movie, but it is just a mash-up of three other movies that are over ten years old.

Lovelock: PASS.

[Has anyone in the world actually ever watched this thing all the way through?  It’s an hour and forty-five minutes…]

[...]

[ Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection (2012). ]

Lovelock: I thought Herbert West was in this…

Starkwell: No you’re thinking of “Night of the Living Dead: Reanimation”.  This is “Resurrection”.

Lovelock: ToMAYto – toMAHto.

Starkwell: More like tomato and NOT a tomato, because it’s not the same movie.

[They did have to admit that, at the very least, a little more love and care seems to have been put into this one.]

Starkwell: It’s actually quite nicely filmed.

Lovelock: It’s like a really good high school project.

[Obviously it’s not exactly faithful to the original, but at least they try to shove some social commentary in.]

Starkwell: If they took this quality and applied it to an actual original idea, they might have something… but attempting to remake a classic… BOLLOCKS.

Lovelock: Agreed.

[Honestly, if this was anything other than a remake, this would have made it out of unwatchable territory, easily.  It would have just been regularly terrible.  Slow moving, and a touch boring.]

[...]

[ Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation (2012). ]

Starkwell: This is officially the third ‘night of the living dead’ that we have now watched, that is NOT the original, and will now likely abandon LONG before the runtime expires.

Lovelock: I can’t wait to see how long into this one we decide to leave.

Starkwell: I’m guessing not long…

Lovelock: Can we at least wait and see Herbert West?

[Mortician guy kills a zombie and some guy in the cemetery.]

Starkwell: Well, the effects here are definitely on par with the rest of this lot.

[One of the characters was watching “White Zombie” on a laptop.  Starkwell threw up everywhere.  Lovelock has fallen asleep and informed us to wake him when Jeffrey Combs arrives.  We ended up waking him up as the Mortician cracked open a zombie head with a shovel.  Then Combs’ character is introduced.]

Lovelock: Hooray!  And he has a sweet mustache!

[Jeffrey Combs with a mustache is in fact probably the highlight of the film.  Then there’s a really lame Sara Palin joke.  Don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate her guts, but it’s a four year old stale joke, and to spend this much time making fun of her is a huge waste of time (she is 100% irrelevant now).  Starkwell puked again.]

Starkwell: I’ll be back later.

[Lovelock went back to sleep, he eventually woke back up to watch the mortuary employees share a joint with a zombie and then the Goth Girl dry humps a corpse to a really bad blues rock soundtrack.]

Lovelock: I should have stayed asleep.

[THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING AWFUL.  They even work in a way to get the Sarah Palin character to the mortuary so she can get killed by a fat woman zombie.  Yeah.  Really.]

Lovelock: If Troma tried even less, this is probably how it would turn out.

[...]

[ Scary or Die (2012). ]

Starkwell: Another fucking anthology film?

Lovelock: If you think I’m sticking around to see the zombie segment, you are mistaken.

[Fine.  I’ll just fast forward to the zombie segment.  Turns out there are two.  One involves a zombie clown that makes other people turn zombie clown, and another about a dead boyfriend coming back.]

Lovelock: Damn straight.  What the hell was going on in that one with the Asian guy?  It looked awful.

Starkwell: What is it with this new wave of anthology films?  They’re not good.

Lovelock: Seriously.  And don’t say “V-H-S”?  More like “SHIT-H-S”.

[Clown from kid’s birthday party bites main character drug dealer guy’s leg.]

Lovelock: Well, that’s something at least.  But why is the clown still acting all clowny and shit?

Starkwell: Why is this segment only like twenty minutes but feels a year long?

[Main Character slowly (emphasis on slow) turns into a flesh eating clown.]

Starkwell: Well that’s different.

Lovelock: They’re trying to make it all dramatic but the guy turned into A CLOWN.  What the fuck?

[The clown makeup actually looks pretty freaky.  They don’t bother watching the last segment.  It seemed to be about a bitch coming back from the dead to catch her man banging some girl in his back seat.]

[...]

[ Potpourri (2011). ]

Starkwell: The movie is about people tripping balls on bad drugs.  Let me guess, some stoners were stoned and were all “if you like translate potpourri it like means ‘rotten pot’ man, so like maybe that’s all potpourri is, like bad weed”.  And the story grew from there.  They may have even smoked some actual potpourri and then wrote the movie.

[...]

The film opens with a pretend vlogger reviewing the movie (so part of the actual film is a guy watching the actual film... I'm guessing they didn't have enough footage for a full length film, so they filled in the holes with this garbage).  Kinda lame.  Anyways, then we have some law enforcement types at the scene of a drug deal gone awry.

[...]

[Cut to a college class.]

Lovelock: Those are supposed to be college kids?

Starkwell: And they’re asking their teacher about “Back to the Future”?  College kids today weren’t even born when those movies were released.

[Seriously, it’s either dumb, or lazy, or both.]

[...]

After a few close-ups of pages of what may or may not be an actual university level physics textbook, Lovelock fell asleep.  Periodically it cuts back to the vlogger… who explains everything, in case the audience couldn’t follow.  That was enough for Starkwell to take off.  I waited a while to wake Lovelock up.  There was a stupid scene of people doing fake drugs, and tripping hard.  There was even a part when the vloggers fast forwarded the movie to ‘get to the good parts’.  Ironic, since Lovelock is now doing the same thing.  There are puppets, medieval forests, musical numbers, cartoons, and all sorts of weird shit.

[...]

Lovelock: So… it’s just a movie about “college” kids getting high and hallucinating?

[...]

To their credit, the filmmakers don’t resort to gratuitous tits and ass.  But if this eclectic and schizo film making style (potpourri-like, if you will) was applied to an actual story, it might have actually been something to remember.  There are zombies, and ample amounts of cheap looking gore, but overall it looks and feels like something Troma would shit out, probably after eating potpourri.  Alright, I think that’s enough torture for one sitting.

FILM FEST: Cartoon Zombies - A Mixed Bag.

Starkwell and Lovelock always prefer the organic feel of live action, and never showed any interest in watching me play zombie video games, or, in this case, watch zombies in cartoon format.  Given how computer generated so much of the modern zombie film is, I feel like telling them they already have.  They’ve seen “I Am Legend”.  Those are cartoon zombies.  Anyways, here it goes.  A cartoon film fest.

[...]

[ Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998) ]

Lovelock: The music is pretty sweet.

Starkwell: You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

Lovelock: Well, yeah, but, I suddenly remember why the old TMNT cartoon was so…

Starkwell: FUCKING BAD.

[The story involves the gang being retired from mystery solving.  But they get back together for Daphne’s TV show and then find ZOMBIE ISLAND.]

Lovelock: Wait… is that Billy West doing Shaggy?

Starkwell: One stoner and his dog PLUS two nymphos PLUS one dude who thinks with his wang but doesn’t see the two nymphos that want said wang EQUALS fuck this shit.

Lovelock: I never saw the appeal in this show.

[Me neither dudes.  Me neither.  Me neither times a million.  Although at least this one had actual zombie pirates (and not just guys in masks), and also the I’m pretty sure the gardener’s voice was Leonardo’s.]

Lovelock: Wait… Demon Cat People control the zombies with Voodoo and need to sacrifice people to preserve their immortality and keep the curse at bay?

Starkwell: Still a better story than most ‘real’ movies.

Lovelock: Wait… The zombie pirates were good guys?

[...]

[ Scooby-Doo and the Zombies (2003-2005) ]

Starkwell: No, I really can’t.  I just can’t.

Lovelock: Is this just an episode of a TV Show?

[Anyways, they didn’t watch this.  They refused and started slapping my head until I stopped it.  It’s actually just three episodes of the show “What’s New Scooby-Doo?” that happen to involve zombies.  As a result it plays out like a zombie anthology film.  In any case, it blows.]

[...]

[ Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008) ]

Lovelock: I thought we said no video games.  Oh wait… you’re not controlling this?

Starkwell: Technically there is a remote control.  Technically this COULD stop before I inevitably end up trying to hang myself.

[Pretty harsh, considering so far they’ve only seen the DVD menu.]

Starkwell: All of their eyes… so cold… so dead.

Lovelock: Not all that different from most live-action zombie films, to be completely fair.

[They basically spent the rest of the running time making fun of the voice acting and story.  Again, not all that different from most live-action zombie films.]

Starkwell: So it’s not Umbrella?  It’s the terrorists?

Lovelock: It’s always the terrorists.

[The plot is absurd, but unlike the live-action Resident Evil films… at least it has one.  Hopefully in the Japanese version the dialogue is the same except instead of ‘terrorist’ they say ‘American’.  Also, fun fact, the movie is WAY too long, and they kind of set it up for a sequel… that I’m making them watch.]

[...]

[ Resident Evil: Damnation (2012) ]

Lovelock: It’s taken them four whole years to NOT IMPROVE the dead eyes AT ALL.

[Starkwell was asleep.]

Lovelock: I’m not doing this alone!

[Starkwell wakes up.]

Starkwell: Huh? Aw come ON!  The voice acting is somehow worse in this one!

[He ain’t kidding.]

Starkwell: Wait, are they fighting USSR?

Lovelock: Yeah, you missed a lot.

[Then they left to make some lunch, and seriously, I just eventually stopped it.  If I wanted to play a video game, I’d play a video game.]

Lovelock: I prefer the "Shenmue" movie.

Starkwell: Would you like to play some lucky hit?

Lovelock: Wrong game asshole.  That's in the sequel.

[Nice.]

[...]

[ Dead Space:Downfall (2008) ]

Lovelock: Same year as "Degenration".  Was a good year for animation.  And by good, I mean GOD HELP US ALL.

Starkwell: Still, so far, more watchable than the 'Resident Evil' ones.

Lovelock: Still reminds me of TMNT.

Starkwell: I’m starting to think that’s the only cartoon you’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: That and “Ren and Stimpy”.  Actually, come to think of it, this movie reminds me of when Ren goes all SPACE MADNESS.

[They actually ended up getting into this one.  I tried to tell them that some of the games are pretty sweet, but then they called me a nerd and made fun of me, and we missed a chunk of the film.]

Lovelock: Red-haired Bitch SUCKS.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[So they hate the main character… not the first time that’s happened.  Anyways, they stayed pretty quiet as the film played.  It wasn’t bad.  Well, it could be that it actually was ok, or it could be that they had just watched the two "Resident Evil" ‘cartoons’.]

Lovelock: Space Zombies are pretty bitchin’.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure that’s the guy that does the voice for Winnie the Pooh.

Lovelock: Haha… ‘Poo’.

[I looked it up… he was right.  Movin’ right along.]

[...]

[ Dead Space: Aftermath (2011) ]

Lovelock: Why did they change the animation style?  It was one of the things the first film had going for it.  This looks like an old episode of “Reboot”.

Starkwell: The voice acting appears to have taken a nose dive as well.

[Definitely not being as enjoyed as the earlier Dead Space movie was.]

Lovelock: Do you think the O’Bannon reference is more for "Alien" or for "Return of the Living Dead"?

Starkwell: Good question.

Lovelock: JUST KIDDING.  I really don’t give a shit. Fuck this movie and it's stupid ass everything.

[Then they argued for a while, and eventually the film was over.]

[...]

[ Xombie: Dead on Arrival (2003) ]

Lovelock: What umm… what the what?

Starkwell: Flash Animation, dude.  I know, you’re not used to it.  It doesn’t look like the Ninja Turtles.

[Interesting concept.  It’s about a zombie with feelings trying to help a girl get back to her family.]

Lovelock: Why do they talk like robots?

Starkwell: Voice acting by SPEAK AND SPELL.

[Anyways, it’s short, and fun at times, with a good story, but mostly pretty forgettable and dragged out.]

[...]

Well, maybe their opinion on cartoons won’t change any time soon.  Certainly there ARE good cartoons out there, in general.  But, I’m not so sure that there are any good ZOMBIE cartoons out there, unless you count the "Treehouse of Horrors" Simpsons episode with zombies in it.  Anyways, at last, I decided to throw them a bone and show them the recent stop-motion fueled extravaganza “ParaNorman”.

[...]

[ ParaNorman (2012) ]

Starkwell: Wait… did you mean to show us this one?  Because it’s actually…

Lovelock: REALLY FUCKING GOOD.

[...]

After Lovelock attempted to compare it to “Fantastic Mr. Fox” and Starkwell accused him of blasphemy, they then spent the entire running time of the film smiling and remembering what it was to be a kid and be shown a proper good family fun piece of movie.  Don’t say I never do anything for them.