Frightmare.

Lovelock and Starkwell don’t have that much experience with Troma, but what exposure they have had has not left them hopeful that anything with Troma attached to it is going to be all that satisfying.  This one is actually one that WASN’T Troma originally, they just picked up the rights to release it on DVD.  So, that gives us hope to the two who, let’s be honest, don’t want to have to sit through another “Poultrygeist”.  Troma’s not all bad.  But it sure ain’t all good.  Alright.  Come on.  Horror star!

[...]

[DVD has some opening introduction with Lloyd Kaufman.  It’s like a hundred million minutes long.]

Lovelock: No.  NO!  Start the movie.

Starkwell: Why is this so long?

[Honestly, we almost lost them before the fucking movie started.  Classic Troma.]

[...]

The story seems to revolve around an old actor, a Vincent Price / Bela Lugosi type of guy that I will, from here on out refer to as, Draculactor.  In the opening scene he straight up murders a director that he has a disagreement with.  Then they show him at some kind of “Inside the Actor’s Studio” type of deal and he passes out.  Some girl does mouth to mouth on him and revives.  Then he goes home and some fat guy tries to kill him but LOOK OUT Draculactor kills fat guy instead.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m starting to think he just faked passing out so some young student would do mouth to mouth on him.

Starkwell: He is remarkably spry when he wants to be.

[...]

After killing the fat guy Draculactor gets out of bed, plays his organ and then… climbs into a coffin, closes it, and apparently dies.  Lovelock and Starkwell are looking a little shocked and confused, and someone said “dude knows how to make an exit”.  He also filmed his own farewell and it was shown at his funeral.  Anyways, then some eighties punks, big fans of his work I guess, break into his tomb and steal his body.

[...]

Lovelock: Is this basically “Weekend at Bernies”?

Starkwell: I have a feeling something is gonna revive him.

Lovelock: So it’s “Weekend at Bernies 2”?

Starkwell: If that helps you.

Lovelock: It doesn’t.

Starkwell: It’s actually feeling more to me like “Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things”.

Lovelock: I slept through that.

Starkwell: And yet you remember both "Bernie" movies.

[...]

The movie is boring.  But eventually after a cheesy séance and some loud sound effects that washed out most of the dialogue, it appears that Draculactor is back from the dead and killing the punks with all of his telekinetic abilities.  Admittedly, at this point, the movie starts being a bit more fun.  One highlight, for example, was when Draculactor stared at a woman in a bathrobe and made her burst into flames, at which point, I believe Lovelock said “burn baby burn”.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t offer all that much else, and gets boring again real fast.  Eventually Draculactor kills everyone, even his widow when she comes to visit his tomb.

[...]

[The movie ends with Draculactor talking to the screen / the audience about how Hell isn’t that bad.]

Lovelock: Wait, what?

Poultrygeist.

I won’t lie, I’m not sure how to approach a Troma movie anymore.  This one is an actual Lloyd Kaufman production, but that doesn’t help dilute the fear I can see in Starkwell and Lovelock’s eyes.  I can’t put it off anymore.  It’s Troma time.

[...]

[Opening shot of teenagers boning in cemetery.]

Starkwell: With an opening line of “You’re the best dry humper in town”, the bar has not been set very high for this movie.

Lovelock: I’m confident that they will win us back.

[...]

Lovelock goes into every Troma film thinking that it will live up to the expectations set by the box and the trailer.  He honestly feels like 'this one will be the one', that it will change his life.  It usually does, but never for the better.   

[...]

Then zombie arms come out of the ground and grab them while they are having sex, they don’t notice. A zombie breaks its finger off in the guy’s ass, he doesn’t notice - he just thinks it's a butt plug she put in his ass.  Then they show us a guy watching them and jerking off.  Then a zombie shoves a fist up the Peeping Tom’s ass.  The zombie arm goes through his body and comes out of his mouth, grabs the underwear that he was sniffing and pulls said underwears back through his body as his torn asshole erupts with blood, guts, poo and a pair of panties.  

[Starkwell is missing...]

There was just a loose leaf paper with a note on it. "You're on your own."  Lovelock seems intent on sticking it out for the remaining ninety minutes, so I will track down anything important that he says.

[...]

Lovelock: This would work better if any of the jokes were actually funny.  I’m actually offended.  Not by the content, but by the writing.  I think someone needs to explain satire to these writers.

[...]

I could see Lovelock getting stressed out and angry at this movie.  With every passing minute it seemed to get lamer and lamer.  Someone needs to tell these writers that showing shocking and gross things just for the sake of doing shocking and gross things isn’t funny.  Also, tell them to never make a movie again.  You know when someone tries really hard to be your friend, but just ends up coming across as a phony?  That's this movie.  It tries so hard to be funny and edgy and "controversial", that really, it just ends up sucking. Hard.  It's like the movie was made by a bunch of eighth graders... but not the regular normal eighth graders, or even the class clown, or the arty kids.  This movie was made by that kid in eighth grade that thought just SAYING the word semen, or fuck, made him funny.  Boy was he wrong.

[...]

Lovelock: The black manager guy Dennis is the only good part of this movie.  And even so, he's not really any good.

[He never did anything else after this movie, probably because this film soured him on movies and ruined his life.]

[...]

Then we fast forwarded.  A lot.  Then we stopped the movie.  Forever.  Did I mention that there were lame musical numbers?  This movie deserves the 'UNWATCHABLE' tag, but will get a mark for the special effects, which were in fact disgusting and effective.  I got to stop now, just writing about this movie is hurting my brain.  Fuck you, Troma.  It was nice to see the movie end on the Troma car flip, though.

Garden of the Dead.

So I put the fucking Troma DVD into the DVD player, and there isn’t even a menu.  They force me to watch a bunch of Troma promo shit, and then it just launches into 1974’s “Garden of the Dead”.  Sit back, Starkwell and Lovelock, relax, and try to find some effective ways to make fun of this thing.

[...]

[Prisoner Gang gets high off of some kind of formaldehyde vapor.  The Formaldehyde Gang.]

Lovelock: I don’t know, prison doesn’t look so bad.  Working outside with your buddies, getting’ high.  It’s a party.

[The prison camp pretty much looks like a summer camp.  Girl in super short skirt arrives.]

Lovelock: AND there are girls?!? 

Starkwell: I think I’d rather not see that guy rubbing his dickprint.

[Guard lets guy out to see his girl and kiss her.]

Lovelock: Dude’s in prison and he gets the girl!?!?!

Starkwell: If this is at all representative of our prisons, then I’m thinking the guards need to be a little tougher.

[Inmates play poker and smoke and hang out.]

Lovelock: Man, best prison ever.

[Guy gets SHANKED.]

Starkwell: And that’s why, prison sucks.

Lovelock: Well, that and the showers.

[...]

The incredibly dark and poor quality of the print made it hard to figure out exactly what was going on, but basically The Formaldehyde Gang were escaping and were mostly shot dead.  I think some formaldehyde was leaking into a graveyard.  At some point I think Lovelock said “Fuck, turn the lights on”.  Starkwell was WISHING for some solid DAY FOR NIGHT filming.

[...]

[The Formaldehyde Gang rise from their graves.]

Lovelock: That actually looked pretty cool.

Starkwell: You can see what’s going on? Man, I can’t see anything.

[...]

[The Formaldehyde Gang finds Skirt Girl… somehow.]

Lovelock: She might have the most excruciating scream I have ever heard.

Starkwell: Regardless, I think we got the point after the first five seconds.

Lovelock: The zombie makeup is better than I expected.

Starkwell: This film’s pace is exactly as I expected.  Slow.

[Skirt Girl drives away from the zombie in her trailer.]

Lovelock: Escaping zombies while staying at home… the one major advantage to living in an RV.

Starkwell: Lack of proper toilet is definitely a disadvantage.

Lovelock: But it’s good training for the apocalypse.

[...]

The Formaldehyde Gang comes back to drink their beloved formaldehyde, and then move at ridiculously fast speeds in a frenzy of rage.  Both Lovelock and Starkwell agree that the movie would be infinitely cooler if they could see half of what’s happening on the screen.  But there an awful lot of ninja like acrobatics coming from axe wielding zombie convicts.  And then the zombies start getting shot and melting or something.  One jumped out a window, and there was a simultaneous “WOAH” from the peanut gallery.

[...]

Starkwell: So, what did you learn today?

Lovelock: Huffing formaldehyde and prison are not as fun as they might seem in the first twenty minutes of this film. You?

Starkwell: That I can’t get back the last hour of my life, and that lighting in a movie is important.

[...]

So there is this thin plot line that involves the zombies being hurt by light, but somehow, not all light hurts them, and moonlight doesn’t affect them.  It seems like it’s just the big spotlight.  Starkwell suggests that it’s some sort of psychological twist, because as escaped convicts, they do not want to be seen by the guards’ spotlight.  Lovelock seemed intrigued, but then Starkwell was like “nah, I’m kidding, this movie blows”.  Then the zombies get shot and THE END.

Buttcrack.

I tried to protect Lovelock and Starkwell from Troma as long as I could, but the time has finally come to expose them to that special brand of beast, the Troma film.  And what a way to introduce them to it!  1998’s Buttcrack, by one-time-only writer-director Jim Larsen!  On the plus side, the film features one of my favorite rockers of all time, Mojo Nixon.  On the down side, this will likely not help the movie much, and may only succeed in tarnishing my opinion of him, like when I found out Beck was into Scientology, or that Prince was completely insane.  The DVD starts with that signature Troma intro that makes me a little queasy, and we get this show on the road.  Scratch that, we have not yet gotten it on to the proverbial road, as Lloyd Kaufman has decided to come on and introduce the movie, and talk forever.

[...]

[Guy in loudest shirt ever wants to propose to his girlfriend.]

Starkwell: You might want to change that shirt before you propose.

Lovelock: I don’t know.  If she says yes to that shirt, then you know she’s in for the long haul.

[...]

[Fat roommate keeps interrupting their evening.]

Lovelock: What was his plan… have sex on the couch with the roommate playing Atari in the background, and then propose?

Starkwell: I think guys that dress like that don’t make good plans, in general.

[...]

At first the random nonsensical songs that the fat guy Wade would burst into were pissing Starkwell and Lovelock off.  But about ten minutes in, they couldn’t get enough of him and his singing, and even started repeating what he was singing... And his t-shirts are out of control.  He might be the only good thing in the movie so far, except for random Mojo songs periodically playing in the background.

[...]

Lovelock: I think they found the cast waiting in line at the DMV.

Starkwell: Where?

Lovelock: Somewhere awful.  Somewhere where they don't have good movies.  Somewhere where people hate movies.  Somewhere where people hate life.  

[...]

[Wade interrupts again.]

Starkwell: Who pukes from looking at a butt crack?

Lovelock: The type of woman who falls in love with dudes that look like the least popular kids at Degrassi.

Starkwell: I kind of agree with what Wade has to say.  Brian sucks.

Lovelock: Seriously, the whole movie should just be Wade making fun of people for being “pervoes”.

[Wade dies.]

Lovelock: Well, there goes that idea.

[...]

Mojo does a decent job playing an insane preacher, but it’s not enough to stop Starkwell and Lovelock from hoping for a power failure. I should probably mention that nothing has happened, and there is no sign that anything will happen.

[...]

[Characters feel guilty, for one second, but then start basically saying that they’re glad he’s dead and dance.]

Starkwell: The director might have been smart to cover up her acne before going in for the extreme close-up. Or, don’t use a close-up.

Lovelock: Maybe he’s trying to symbolize that she isn’t perfect.

Starkwell: Yeah well, we can see that from far away.

[...]

After the fourth or fifth time that the film faded to black between scenes, Starkwell started to wonder if those were meant to be commercial breaks.  Lovelock then said that he could “go for a commercial break.”  Starkwell agreed, adding that “most Folgers commercials have better stories.”

[...]

[Preacher marries the two main characters and they “get the party goin’”.  With a boombox.]

Starkwell: They’re all dancing to a different rythym.

Lovelock: It’s the late nineties and he still is listening to cassette tapes.

Starkwell: Where would he even get tapes?

Lovelock: The same place he gets his clothes.

Starkwell: The same place Wade go his Atari.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock weren’t paying much attention anymore, but kept repeating the line “CHURN THE MILK AND MAKE IT BUTTER.”  They seem happy that Wade is back.  But it was short lived and they got bored very fast again.  Lovelock perked up because of a sweet shovel smack to Wade's head, but that too, was short lived.  The bad news is that there is only fifteen minutes left, and there isn’t a zombie in sight.  The good news is that there is only fifteen minutes left.

[...]

[TWIST ENDING.]

Starkwell: Why would a grown man visit a graveyard with his old parents?

Lovelock: Hopefully to get killed.

Starkwell: Oh look! Bloopers during the credits!  Just like a real movie!

[...]

Thank you, Troma, for another piece of shit.  Fuck this movie.  Shame on you, Mojo.  Considering that you once referenced “Vanishing Point” in a song, I would have thought you would have had the sense to not be in this.  On the bright side, the film’s special features include a live performance by Mojo, which, as Lovelock said, “is worth at least one dollar out of the TOO MANY dollars that this thing cost.”