Masters of Horror: Cigarette Burns.

Calling Masters of Horror a mixed bag isn’t really being fair to bags.  From what I’ve seen, it’s pretty much a mixed bag of shit.  “Homecoming” was great, but the rest have done little to impress Starkwell and Lovelock.  Let’s see how Carpenter’s entry “Cigarette Burns” fairs.

[...]

[Special effects by Greg Nicotero!  Starring the dude that plays Darryl on AMC’s hit show “Walking Dead”.]

Lovelock: This one already has a lot more promise than the others.

Starkwell: UDO KIER!!!!

[...]

The story is pretty nuts.  A semi-famous and reclusive director hires a theater owner, Kirby, to find a rare cursed magical film out there called “LA FIN ABSOLUE DU MONDE”, believed to be out of print and/or non-existent.  The one official screening on record caused the entire audience to go insane.  Anyone who talks about it, tries to find it, catches a frame of it, slowly goes bananas and starts seeing things.

[...]

Starkwell: Knowing what he already knows, why would you want to see the film or have anything to do with it?

Lovelock: The ‘Manos’ crew all went nuts and yet, Mystery Science Theater went after that one.

Starkwell: Fair enough.  But there’s a difference here, especially since he just saw some kind of demon that apparently came out of the film.

[...]

[Kirby starts researching the film, and having acid flashbacks of his dead girlfriend.]

Lovelock: Dude, TURN BACK NOW.

Starkwell: If he just spoke French, he may know that he is likely bringing forth the end of the world.

Lovelock: The absolute end.

[...]

Intrigued, entertained… Starkwell and Lovelock are FULLY GLUED to the screen.  It’s like a cool horrible private eye short.  It’s pretty sweet, to be honest.

[...]

[Kirby is drugged by French guys who are looking to make a snuff film STARRING Kirby.  They chop a woman’s head off right in front of him.]

Starkwell: Holy shit dude.

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go to France.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

[Kirby blinks and suddenly he is free and apparently he murdered the Eurotrash with the machete.]

Lovelock: WHY DIDN’T THEY SHOW THAT.  Dammit.  Fucking dammit.

Starkwell: Darryl for the win.

[...]

[He meets the wife of the EVIL FILM’s director, who informs Kirby that SATAN produced the film.]

Lovelock: Produced by Satan… damn that’s metal.

Starkwell: I would love to hear the soundtrack.

[...]

So he gets the film and brings it back to the reclusive director.  Eventually Kirby goes back to the guy’s house to retrieve the film.  Asian butler greets Kirby at the door and then stabs himself in the eyes.  Kirby goes to find the director who is in the process of running his intestines through the movie projector.  Then Kirby blows his brains out and the demon from the film takes the reels and walks away.  Starkwell and Lovelock can’t figure out if they were more horrified by the film’s images, or by the fact that it made no sense.

Biophage.

I haven’t really heard much about the recently unleashed “Biophage”.  I know that it has a short running time, which, for the most part, Lovelock and Starkwell tend to appreciate.  Let’s see how this plays out.  Shot in glorious FULL SCREEN.

[...]

[Film opens with black and white picnic sex dream sequence, that ends with the booby girl biting the main character.]

Lovelock: Might be a new record for “SOONEST BOOBIES”.

Starkwell: Not entirely sure they should be proud of that.  Why’s it in black and white?

[...]

The film starts off and the outbreak is already in full effect.  We appear to be following some military types (a soldier and a doctor) as they do some kind of mission to the CDC, which actually looked like it was most likely one of the producers’ backyards.  Then they show the two of them walking alongside a railroad track and Lovelock falls asleep for a little while.

[...]

[They stop for dinner at a farmhouse.  The old farmer feeds them… PEOPLE.  Then there’s a gunfight.  Farmer dies.]

Starkwell: Arguably the worst gunfight I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: You know, the doctor loved the meat, but then he finds out its human and vomits?

Starkwell: Wouldn’t you?

[...]

Then they replay the booby dream and Starkwell is like “Yeah, because we didn’t get it the first time.”  I should mention, we’re already halfway through the movie.  Somehow, we’ve only seen one zombie, and yet we’ve seen that sex scene twice.  Eventually we see more zombies, and to be fair, they don’t look that bad.

[...]

Starkwell: Of course there’s a crazy Southern Reverend with an eyepatch.

Lovelock: Of course he has a sexy assistant.

Starkwell: Obviously sexy girl helps free them.

Lovelock: Yeah dude, sexy people CAN’T be bad.  Don't you know anything?

[Then they made fun of the acting for a while.]

[...]

[Horrible fight scene between doctor and soldier, girl dies by zombie, girl kills doctor.]

Starkwell: Was that the director’s way of being all “Guess what?  There’s no point.”

Lovelock: I don’t think he thought that far ahead.

[Soldier makes it to the lab, everyone’s dead.]

Lovelock: High tech lab, with the oldest computers ever.  Who still has those old-style monitors?  It's the size of a smart car.

Starkwell: And a map stapled on the wall?  It’s all very official looking.

[Soldier kills his zombie wife and starts crying, roll credits.]

Starkwell: What a story.

Lovelock: I bet the book was better.

Starkwell: There is no book.

Lovelock: Exactly.

[...]

This is another fine example of a relatively new and fully bad zombie movie, lending more credibility to Starkwell’s claim that the low budget zombie genre is as stale as Melba fucking toast, and basically died in the early nineties.  “Digital bullshit and iMac Nintendos killed good old fashioned backyard horror.”  His words, not mine.  Lovelock said “bad, but still watchable and, hey, at least it was short.”  What a review.

Dead Set.

There ain’t much that Starkwell and Lovelock hate more than reality television.  So the idea of a miniseries that both parodies reality show “Big Brother” and includes zombies sounds almost too good to be true.  It works so well on paper that they almost don’t want to watch it, fearing the inevitable disappointment.  But, they’re troopers, so they go forth and attack the two plus hours of zombie fare.

[...]

[We are introduced to the characters as well as the narrator who PERFECTLY imitates and mocks the Big Brother guy.  We also get to see the editors, behind the scenes.]

Starkwell: Is it just me, or does this already look amazing?

Lovelock: It is not just you.

[Maybe I’ve been showing them too much crap lately, or maybe this does already show an awful lot of promise.  Plus the main producer character made a “Manchester Morgue” reference which was appreciated by both dudes, and myelf.]

[...]

So as the show producers work on Big Brother show and continue to film the flatmates, we are simultaneously treated to news footage that there is bizarre violence erupting throughout London.  It is EVICTION night at the Big Brother house and they are getting ready to go live.

[...]

[Zombies arrive at the studio, find the crowd of people there cheering for the show and THEN, much chaos, eating and madness ensue.]

Starkwell: ZOMBIES SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE!

Lovelock: This.  Fucking.  Rules.

[...]

As the outbreak absolutely explodes into the rest of the studio, the flatmates are, obviously, unaware of what’s going on right outside.  It’s so well done that not only is Starkwell fully alright with the running zombies, but he is absolutely speechless at how well the whole thing is written, directed, acted and shot.  Lovelock is basically doing cartwheels while singing along to the Mika song playing.  On top of the safe and secure contestants, there appear to be a couple of crew members still alive littered throughout the studio, including main character Kelly.

[...]

[Zombie in a wheelchair is unable to get up out of his chair.]

Starkwell: Not sure how I feel about that, dead can get up and walk… unless they were previously paralyzed?

Lovelock: No, actually it makes sense dude.   It’s not like if they lose a leg they can grow it back ET CETERA ET CETERA.

[Not often does Lovelock seemingly school Starkwell.]

[...]

Kelly finds her way into the house with the contestants and tries to explain to them what is going on out there.  They don’t believe her and think she’s just pulling their leg, until a zombie finds its way into the house and then, well, they dive head first into belief town.   And that’s how the first episode ends.

[...]

[Episode two starts with a ‘previously on’.]

Lovelock: Dude, we just watched that shit.

[So I fast forward… I won’t make that mistake again.]

[...]

On top of the Big Brother house and Kelly, we also are following Kelly’s boyfriend Riq and his adventures on the road with the rifle-bearing woman that he met up with.  This whole thing started off with the parody comedy angle, but very quickly went to horror and even a bit of drama, what with the whole WORLD IS ESSENTIALLY OVER thing and a soundtrack that may as well have been supplied by Mogwai at there most melancholic.

[...]

[Riq and Woman’s Jeep broke down, and Riq is trying to fix it.]

Lovelock: Fucking Jeeps man, so unreliable.

[Zombies show up and chase Riq and Woman (Alex) down the street in the dark and they come across a huge mansion.]

Starkwell: Jeeps - unreliable, this movie - SUPER reliable.

[Meanwhile one of the flatmates was bit and is starting to turn.]

[...]

Kelly and two of the flatmate dudes venture away from the house to try and get antibiotics for the recently bitten Sassy Black Woman of the house.  Riq at the mansion notices that they are still broadcasting live feed from the Big Brother House and starts watching.  While they are out, the bitten woman turns and bites the other contestant.

[...]

[They push the zombie woman into the hot tub, and she just sits there unable to move.]

Lovelock: Zombies can’t swim!  Man, if ever there’s an outbreak, I’m getting a fucking boat.

Starkwell: Good luck with that, you hate open water.

Lovelock: True, but not as much as I hate dying, or birds.

[...]

[We’re onto episode four, Riq now knows his girl is alive, and the flatmates have begun clearing the area enclosed within the studio gates.]

Starkwell: The nods to “Dawn” are a nice touch.

Lovelock: It’s all fine and dandy that Riq loves her, but she was banging that other dude that worked on the show.

Starkwell: Not many people left in the world… beggars can’t be choosers.

[...]

[Riq finds a boat and is going to sail on a river that apparently goes toward the back of the studio lot.]

Lovelock: Boat!  That’s what I’m taling about.

Starkwell: Wait, so now you want him to find her?

Lovelock: No.  He should just sail off into the zombieless sunset with Alex Gun Woman.

[...]

The main producer scumbag guy is still alive and finds his way back into the house along with the random bimbo girl.  And then they all start waxing philosophical about why this may be happening.   Terrorist attack?  Military experiment?  Act of God?  In other news, Alex dies along the river.

[...]

Lovelock: See, my boat plan only works if you never get out of the boat.

[...]

[Scumbag Producer chops up one of the dead people to throw some ‘bait’ to the zombies blocking the front gate.]

Starkwell: Holy shit dude.

[Kelly is okay with the plan.]

Lovelock: I told you dude.  She is no good.  Riq deserves better.

[...]

[Riq makes it to the house, Kelly and Riq kiss and hug, Kelly tells him he stinks.]

Lovelock: If anyone stinks it’s her.  Of CHEATING.

Starkwell: Easy.

[...]

So, in the final episode, they end up tying up and gagging the scumbag producer guy, who then tries to turn the unpopular flatmate over to his darkside, and it works almost immediately.  Unpopular dude frees him and they take Kelly as a hostage and attempt to break free of the Big Brother House.  Of course, this backfires and a bunch of zombies get in and everyone starts getting eaten. 

[...]

Lovelock: MAAAAAYHEM!!!!!!

[Then he passed out from over excitement.]

[...]

Well, the world is fucking over.  And as always, we are the real cause for humanity’s demise.  And now we just sit and watch zombies on TV.

The Crow: Salvation.

The sequel to “The Crow” was essentially a mockbuster, of itself.  This looks to take the myth in a different direction, so at least if it’s horrible, it won’t be horrible and unoriginal.  Well, it will still be somewhat unoriginal since it’s the third movie based on the same comic book.  And chances are it will be extra horrible.

[...]

[Guy is sent to the chair for killing his girlfriend, who he did not kill.  The guy who did kill her, THE MAN WITH THE SCARS on the arm, is there watching.]

Lovelock: And that’s why I’m against the death penalty.

Starkwell: Mature.  Surprising.

Lovelock: Yeah, I believe in Thunderdome.

[...]

[He revives almost immediately, in the morgue.]

Starkwell: The crow is working fast in this case…

Lovelock: He’s still smoking!

[He pulls off his melted face and heals, but somehow has “The Crow” 'makeup' on.]

Starkwell: Well, that’s one way to do it… I guess.

Lovelock: I’ve been robbed of another rise from the grave scene.  Robbed I tells ya.

[...]

So we meet Kirsten Dunst who is apparently dead girlfriend’s sister.  And The Crow immediately goes on a manhunt for the people that framed him.  He starts with a random junkie, and then moves on to a crooked pedophile rapist cop.  The rest on the list are also crooked cops.  Apparently the crooked cops hang out counting their crooked money in the upstairs of a shady sex club.  A crooked sex club, obviously.

[...]

Lovelock: None of the actors in this film look tough at all.  Is it just me?  No one is menacing.

Starkwell: Nah, I feel the same way.  Hell, even The Crow looks like he wants to help me pick out linens at Sears.

Lovelock: This is what The Crow would be if he was played by Michael Cera, or Jesse Eisenberg.

[...]

I think Starkwell said something about how everyone looked like Mormon accountants.  Makes sense since this was filmed in Salt Lake, apparently.  Meanwhile, Kirsten Dunst finds out who The Crow really is, and starts to believe his story.

[...]

[The Captain is apparently involved.]

Lovelock: Remo Williams is a bad guy?

Starkwell: He’s Scar-Arm?

[The captain is played by Fred Ward.]

[...]

Kirsten Dunst finds out that her father knew about all of thsi shit, the whole crooked cop thing.  Maybe her dad is Scar-Arm.  The main problem that Starkwell and Lovelock have with the film is that, much like in the shitty sequel and UNLIKE the original classic, we don’t give a shit about the main characters, AT ALL.  Not The Crow, not Dunst, NO ONE.  The film makers made no effort to develop any characters ever forever, NEVER.   Anyways, The Crow figures it all out, goes to the sex club and kills everyone, leaving only Remo.  Eventually he finds Remo, her crazy girlfriend and their weird torture chamber.  Seriosuly?  He catches Remo and brings him to the electric chair.  Remo dies, The Crow wins, and the audience loses about an hour and a half.  The end.

Santo Contra Los Zombies.

Legendary Mexican wrestler ‘El Santo’ fought all sorts of mythological beings, super villains and other wrestlers throughout his illustrious career.  Arguably the most famous of all luchadores, inevitably, he would have to fight the living dead, because any hero worth his weight in piss simply has to battle zombie hordes at some point.  This is some of the best shit the early sixties has to offer, I kid you not.

[...]

[El Santo wrestles in front of a packed house.  It seems to mix stock footage and more close up shots.  It’s fucking awesome.]

Starkwell: This certainly proves one thing, that pro wrestling CLEARLY isn’t what it used to be.

[After the credits roll, it cuts to another El Santo match.  The crowd carries him down to the ring on their shoulders.]

Starkwell: Is this movie going to mostly just be wrestling matches?

Lovelock: Honestly, I ain’t complaining if it is. 

Starkwell: I know you.  You’ll complain.  Especially if no zombies show up.

Lovelock: Whatever dude, the title said INVASION.  INVASION of the zombies.  And you can bet your last buck that El Santo is going to wrestle the pants off of every last one of them.

Starkwell: Zombies don’t really need pants.  He should wrestle their heads off.

[...]

So after a solid ten plus minutes of wrestling footage, we start to have a story developing.  It involves a beautiful woman and her missing father.  Then we see three zombies getting out of a car and robbing a jewelry store.

[...]

[Moving at the speed of molasses, the zombies crack he safe, a cop shows up and unloads his entire pistol on one of them.]

Lovelock: Man!  That cop ain’t fucking around.  First shot, directly in the middle of the forehead.

[Head shot does nothing.  More cops show up, and shoot at them, and they just slowly walk away.]

Starkwell: They’re not mean zombies.  They aren’t even hurting the cops.

Lovelock: Fucking cops.  Shoot first ask questions later… That’s why I don’t go to Mexico.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well that and the heat.  My God, the heat!

[...]

Then the cops contact El Santo on his El Santo video phone to tell him about the indestructible zombie thieves.

[...]

[Woman walks the city streets asking people if they have seen her father.]

Starkwell: Mexico City looks kind of like a painting.

Lovelock: And not a very good one.

[...]

[More wrestling footage.]

Starkwell: Spoiler alert!  I bet El Santo wins.

Lovelock: I don’t know…. “Miscellaneous Non-Masked Guy #14” looks pretty–

[El Santo wins.]

Lovelock: Never mind.

[...]

Then there was a dance sequence, and you KNOW how Starkwell and Lovelock feel about useless dance sequences.  They hate them.  Still Starkwell has so far been impressed with the cinematography and the general style of the film.

[...]

[The three thief zombies set fire to an orphanage and try to steal some children.]

Lovelock: Still think they’re not so bad?

Starkwell: No. They’ve crossed the line.

[El Santo shows up.  Saves the kids, wrestles the zombies.]

Starkwell: Seriously though, if guns don’t work, what chance does El Santo have?

Lovelock: I’m a true believer.

[Zombies drop El Santo on his ass, kick the shit out of him.]

Lovelock: I don’t believe in anything anymore.

[...]

Then there was a car chase and a car explosion.  I think Starkwell said something along the lines of this movie having it all and Lovelock did a roundhouse kick and broke a lamp.

[...]

[Two zombies climb into a girl’s window, and El Santo storms in and stops them from taking her.]

Starkwell: Why was he just waiting around right outside of her bedroom?

Lovelock: More like El Stalko.

Starkwell: El Peepo.

Lovelock: I like mine better.

[El Santo throws the zombies around the room and they vanish into thin air.]

Starkwell: If they can turn invisible, why wouldn’t they just be invisible all of the time?

Lovelock: If they can make fire like that, why wouldn’t they just light El Santo on fire?

[...]

Plotholes and questions aside, they really are enjoying this film so far.  Then the zombies climb into another window, choke out and kidnap El Santo’s tag team partner and make him full zombie and Lovelock was all “GASP!”  I should note that there are two mad scientists dressed like executioners that appear to be behind all of this.

[...]

[El Santo wrestles against the newly zombified wrestler friend.]

Starkwell: I love that he fights zombies but then still makes time to entertain people at the arena.

Lovelock: The show must go on.

[He wins, I think.]

[...]

After, the zombies come for El Santo, through his window, obviously.  The zombies almost unmask El Santo, but then he kicks one in the medallion and it blows up.  The medallion blows up, not the zombie.  Lovelock says he WISHES the zombie had blown up.  But then Lovelock is all “OF COURSE!  THE MEDALLION! Great work El Santo!”  Eventually El Santo finds the secret dungeon/castle/laboratory and wrestles the shit out of more zombies.  For some reason these zombies have belts, not medallions.  I don't know why, but it did lead to a weird scene where El Santo was on his knees with his face right in front of a zombie's crotch, and taking his belt off.  In the the end, he also wrestle/destroys the two Executioner Scientists, who turn out to be the girl's missing Father and Uncle, and all of the zombies disappear into a puff of smoke.  Then El Santo leaves before anyone can thank him.  Apparently El Santo doesn’t like to wait around to be thanked, but if he were here, I’m sure Lovelock and Starkwell would try.

FILM FEST: Cartoon Zombies - A Mixed Bag.

Starkwell and Lovelock always prefer the organic feel of live action, and never showed any interest in watching me play zombie video games, or, in this case, watch zombies in cartoon format.  Given how computer generated so much of the modern zombie film is, I feel like telling them they already have.  They’ve seen “I Am Legend”.  Those are cartoon zombies.  Anyways, here it goes.  A cartoon film fest.

[...]

[ Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998) ]

Lovelock: The music is pretty sweet.

Starkwell: You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

Lovelock: Well, yeah, but, I suddenly remember why the old TMNT cartoon was so…

Starkwell: FUCKING BAD.

[The story involves the gang being retired from mystery solving.  But they get back together for Daphne’s TV show and then find ZOMBIE ISLAND.]

Lovelock: Wait… is that Billy West doing Shaggy?

Starkwell: One stoner and his dog PLUS two nymphos PLUS one dude who thinks with his wang but doesn’t see the two nymphos that want said wang EQUALS fuck this shit.

Lovelock: I never saw the appeal in this show.

[Me neither dudes.  Me neither.  Me neither times a million.  Although at least this one had actual zombie pirates (and not just guys in masks), and also the I’m pretty sure the gardener’s voice was Leonardo’s.]

Lovelock: Wait… Demon Cat People control the zombies with Voodoo and need to sacrifice people to preserve their immortality and keep the curse at bay?

Starkwell: Still a better story than most ‘real’ movies.

Lovelock: Wait… The zombie pirates were good guys?

[...]

[ Scooby-Doo and the Zombies (2003-2005) ]

Starkwell: No, I really can’t.  I just can’t.

Lovelock: Is this just an episode of a TV Show?

[Anyways, they didn’t watch this.  They refused and started slapping my head until I stopped it.  It’s actually just three episodes of the show “What’s New Scooby-Doo?” that happen to involve zombies.  As a result it plays out like a zombie anthology film.  In any case, it blows.]

[...]

[ Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008) ]

Lovelock: I thought we said no video games.  Oh wait… you’re not controlling this?

Starkwell: Technically there is a remote control.  Technically this COULD stop before I inevitably end up trying to hang myself.

[Pretty harsh, considering so far they’ve only seen the DVD menu.]

Starkwell: All of their eyes… so cold… so dead.

Lovelock: Not all that different from most live-action zombie films, to be completely fair.

[They basically spent the rest of the running time making fun of the voice acting and story.  Again, not all that different from most live-action zombie films.]

Starkwell: So it’s not Umbrella?  It’s the terrorists?

Lovelock: It’s always the terrorists.

[The plot is absurd, but unlike the live-action Resident Evil films… at least it has one.  Hopefully in the Japanese version the dialogue is the same except instead of ‘terrorist’ they say ‘American’.  Also, fun fact, the movie is WAY too long, and they kind of set it up for a sequel… that I’m making them watch.]

[...]

[ Resident Evil: Damnation (2012) ]

Lovelock: It’s taken them four whole years to NOT IMPROVE the dead eyes AT ALL.

[Starkwell was asleep.]

Lovelock: I’m not doing this alone!

[Starkwell wakes up.]

Starkwell: Huh? Aw come ON!  The voice acting is somehow worse in this one!

[He ain’t kidding.]

Starkwell: Wait, are they fighting USSR?

Lovelock: Yeah, you missed a lot.

[Then they left to make some lunch, and seriously, I just eventually stopped it.  If I wanted to play a video game, I’d play a video game.]

Lovelock: I prefer the "Shenmue" movie.

Starkwell: Would you like to play some lucky hit?

Lovelock: Wrong game asshole.  That's in the sequel.

[Nice.]

[...]

[ Dead Space:Downfall (2008) ]

Lovelock: Same year as "Degenration".  Was a good year for animation.  And by good, I mean GOD HELP US ALL.

Starkwell: Still, so far, more watchable than the 'Resident Evil' ones.

Lovelock: Still reminds me of TMNT.

Starkwell: I’m starting to think that’s the only cartoon you’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: That and “Ren and Stimpy”.  Actually, come to think of it, this movie reminds me of when Ren goes all SPACE MADNESS.

[They actually ended up getting into this one.  I tried to tell them that some of the games are pretty sweet, but then they called me a nerd and made fun of me, and we missed a chunk of the film.]

Lovelock: Red-haired Bitch SUCKS.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[So they hate the main character… not the first time that’s happened.  Anyways, they stayed pretty quiet as the film played.  It wasn’t bad.  Well, it could be that it actually was ok, or it could be that they had just watched the two "Resident Evil" ‘cartoons’.]

Lovelock: Space Zombies are pretty bitchin’.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure that’s the guy that does the voice for Winnie the Pooh.

Lovelock: Haha… ‘Poo’.

[I looked it up… he was right.  Movin’ right along.]

[...]

[ Dead Space: Aftermath (2011) ]

Lovelock: Why did they change the animation style?  It was one of the things the first film had going for it.  This looks like an old episode of “Reboot”.

Starkwell: The voice acting appears to have taken a nose dive as well.

[Definitely not being as enjoyed as the earlier Dead Space movie was.]

Lovelock: Do you think the O’Bannon reference is more for "Alien" or for "Return of the Living Dead"?

Starkwell: Good question.

Lovelock: JUST KIDDING.  I really don’t give a shit. Fuck this movie and it's stupid ass everything.

[Then they argued for a while, and eventually the film was over.]

[...]

[ Xombie: Dead on Arrival (2003) ]

Lovelock: What umm… what the what?

Starkwell: Flash Animation, dude.  I know, you’re not used to it.  It doesn’t look like the Ninja Turtles.

[Interesting concept.  It’s about a zombie with feelings trying to help a girl get back to her family.]

Lovelock: Why do they talk like robots?

Starkwell: Voice acting by SPEAK AND SPELL.

[Anyways, it’s short, and fun at times, with a good story, but mostly pretty forgettable and dragged out.]

[...]

Well, maybe their opinion on cartoons won’t change any time soon.  Certainly there ARE good cartoons out there, in general.  But, I’m not so sure that there are any good ZOMBIE cartoons out there, unless you count the "Treehouse of Horrors" Simpsons episode with zombies in it.  Anyways, at last, I decided to throw them a bone and show them the recent stop-motion fueled extravaganza “ParaNorman”.

[...]

[ ParaNorman (2012) ]

Starkwell: Wait… did you mean to show us this one?  Because it’s actually…

Lovelock: REALLY FUCKING GOOD.

[...]

After Lovelock attempted to compare it to “Fantastic Mr. Fox” and Starkwell accused him of blasphemy, they then spent the entire running time of the film smiling and remembering what it was to be a kid and be shown a proper good family fun piece of movie.  Don’t say I never do anything for them.