FILM FEST: Cartoon Zombies - A Mixed Bag.

Starkwell and Lovelock always prefer the organic feel of live action, and never showed any interest in watching me play zombie video games, or, in this case, watch zombies in cartoon format.  Given how computer generated so much of the modern zombie film is, I feel like telling them they already have.  They’ve seen “I Am Legend”.  Those are cartoon zombies.  Anyways, here it goes.  A cartoon film fest.

[...]

[ Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island (1998) ]

Lovelock: The music is pretty sweet.

Starkwell: You’ve GOT to be kidding me.

Lovelock: Well, yeah, but, I suddenly remember why the old TMNT cartoon was so…

Starkwell: FUCKING BAD.

[The story involves the gang being retired from mystery solving.  But they get back together for Daphne’s TV show and then find ZOMBIE ISLAND.]

Lovelock: Wait… is that Billy West doing Shaggy?

Starkwell: One stoner and his dog PLUS two nymphos PLUS one dude who thinks with his wang but doesn’t see the two nymphos that want said wang EQUALS fuck this shit.

Lovelock: I never saw the appeal in this show.

[Me neither dudes.  Me neither.  Me neither times a million.  Although at least this one had actual zombie pirates (and not just guys in masks), and also the I’m pretty sure the gardener’s voice was Leonardo’s.]

Lovelock: Wait… Demon Cat People control the zombies with Voodoo and need to sacrifice people to preserve their immortality and keep the curse at bay?

Starkwell: Still a better story than most ‘real’ movies.

Lovelock: Wait… The zombie pirates were good guys?

[...]

[ Scooby-Doo and the Zombies (2003-2005) ]

Starkwell: No, I really can’t.  I just can’t.

Lovelock: Is this just an episode of a TV Show?

[Anyways, they didn’t watch this.  They refused and started slapping my head until I stopped it.  It’s actually just three episodes of the show “What’s New Scooby-Doo?” that happen to involve zombies.  As a result it plays out like a zombie anthology film.  In any case, it blows.]

[...]

[ Resident Evil: Degeneration (2008) ]

Lovelock: I thought we said no video games.  Oh wait… you’re not controlling this?

Starkwell: Technically there is a remote control.  Technically this COULD stop before I inevitably end up trying to hang myself.

[Pretty harsh, considering so far they’ve only seen the DVD menu.]

Starkwell: All of their eyes… so cold… so dead.

Lovelock: Not all that different from most live-action zombie films, to be completely fair.

[They basically spent the rest of the running time making fun of the voice acting and story.  Again, not all that different from most live-action zombie films.]

Starkwell: So it’s not Umbrella?  It’s the terrorists?

Lovelock: It’s always the terrorists.

[The plot is absurd, but unlike the live-action Resident Evil films… at least it has one.  Hopefully in the Japanese version the dialogue is the same except instead of ‘terrorist’ they say ‘American’.  Also, fun fact, the movie is WAY too long, and they kind of set it up for a sequel… that I’m making them watch.]

[...]

[ Resident Evil: Damnation (2012) ]

Lovelock: It’s taken them four whole years to NOT IMPROVE the dead eyes AT ALL.

[Starkwell was asleep.]

Lovelock: I’m not doing this alone!

[Starkwell wakes up.]

Starkwell: Huh? Aw come ON!  The voice acting is somehow worse in this one!

[He ain’t kidding.]

Starkwell: Wait, are they fighting USSR?

Lovelock: Yeah, you missed a lot.

[Then they left to make some lunch, and seriously, I just eventually stopped it.  If I wanted to play a video game, I’d play a video game.]

Lovelock: I prefer the "Shenmue" movie.

Starkwell: Would you like to play some lucky hit?

Lovelock: Wrong game asshole.  That's in the sequel.

[Nice.]

[...]

[ Dead Space:Downfall (2008) ]

Lovelock: Same year as "Degenration".  Was a good year for animation.  And by good, I mean GOD HELP US ALL.

Starkwell: Still, so far, more watchable than the 'Resident Evil' ones.

Lovelock: Still reminds me of TMNT.

Starkwell: I’m starting to think that’s the only cartoon you’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: That and “Ren and Stimpy”.  Actually, come to think of it, this movie reminds me of when Ren goes all SPACE MADNESS.

[They actually ended up getting into this one.  I tried to tell them that some of the games are pretty sweet, but then they called me a nerd and made fun of me, and we missed a chunk of the film.]

Lovelock: Red-haired Bitch SUCKS.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[So they hate the main character… not the first time that’s happened.  Anyways, they stayed pretty quiet as the film played.  It wasn’t bad.  Well, it could be that it actually was ok, or it could be that they had just watched the two "Resident Evil" ‘cartoons’.]

Lovelock: Space Zombies are pretty bitchin’.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure that’s the guy that does the voice for Winnie the Pooh.

Lovelock: Haha… ‘Poo’.

[I looked it up… he was right.  Movin’ right along.]

[...]

[ Dead Space: Aftermath (2011) ]

Lovelock: Why did they change the animation style?  It was one of the things the first film had going for it.  This looks like an old episode of “Reboot”.

Starkwell: The voice acting appears to have taken a nose dive as well.

[Definitely not being as enjoyed as the earlier Dead Space movie was.]

Lovelock: Do you think the O’Bannon reference is more for "Alien" or for "Return of the Living Dead"?

Starkwell: Good question.

Lovelock: JUST KIDDING.  I really don’t give a shit. Fuck this movie and it's stupid ass everything.

[Then they argued for a while, and eventually the film was over.]

[...]

[ Xombie: Dead on Arrival (2003) ]

Lovelock: What umm… what the what?

Starkwell: Flash Animation, dude.  I know, you’re not used to it.  It doesn’t look like the Ninja Turtles.

[Interesting concept.  It’s about a zombie with feelings trying to help a girl get back to her family.]

Lovelock: Why do they talk like robots?

Starkwell: Voice acting by SPEAK AND SPELL.

[Anyways, it’s short, and fun at times, with a good story, but mostly pretty forgettable and dragged out.]

[...]

Well, maybe their opinion on cartoons won’t change any time soon.  Certainly there ARE good cartoons out there, in general.  But, I’m not so sure that there are any good ZOMBIE cartoons out there, unless you count the "Treehouse of Horrors" Simpsons episode with zombies in it.  Anyways, at last, I decided to throw them a bone and show them the recent stop-motion fueled extravaganza “ParaNorman”.

[...]

[ ParaNorman (2012) ]

Starkwell: Wait… did you mean to show us this one?  Because it’s actually…

Lovelock: REALLY FUCKING GOOD.

[...]

After Lovelock attempted to compare it to “Fantastic Mr. Fox” and Starkwell accused him of blasphemy, they then spent the entire running time of the film smiling and remembering what it was to be a kid and be shown a proper good family fun piece of movie.  Don’t say I never do anything for them.

Resident Evil: Afterlife.

The fourth instalment of the series finds Paul Anderson taking the helm once again as director.  Considering the first film was the only other film that he directed, and it was Starkwell and Lovelock’s LEAST favorite, he certainly has his work cut out for him to get them back on team Anderson.  Granted, even if the story and character development suffer, he can always just launch loads of confused and naked Milla scenes at the audience in a desperate attempt to win them over.  Usually successfully.  I’ve made a point to tell Starkwell and Lovelock that I had them watch all of the “Resident Evil” movies in one week because, in fact, this is not the last film in the series and that the new one JUST CAME OUT IN THEATRES, IN 3D!!!  But then I immediately pulled the rug out from under them and told them that I had no intention to treat them to a night at the theater, so they’d have to wait for a DVD release.  I think I referred to them as “bitches” at one point.  Like “you bitches are gonna have to wait for the DVD, and that shit won’t be in 3D, and you won’t get no damn cool glasses”.  I like keeping their spirits down.  Usually I do that by showing them horrible movies.  This was just more fun.  Ok, let’s get all ‘Afterlifey’ in this mofo.

[...]

[Intro is slow motion Japanese people walking with umbrellas in the rain.  One girl has no umbrella.]

Starkwell: In a land of Umbrellas, one girl stands alone.

[Umbrella-less girl goes zombie and eats a guy.]

Lovelock: You were giving Anderson way too much poetic credit there.

[...]

After a very brief recap, the secret Tokyo Umbrella lab is invaded by a super powered ninja Alice.  Who then gets shot and killed… but then…

[...]

[There are a whole shitload of Super Powered Ninja Alices storming the place.]

Starkwell: I don’t know if it’s specifically because of Captain Sunglasses, or just the way that this is all going down, with all of the slo-mo and martial arty action, but I can’t help but feel like I’m watching a remake of “The Matrix” starring Milla Jovovich.

Lovelock: I think that’s not even the same actor playing Captain Sunglasses… or at least he sounds different.  I can’t quite put my finger on it…

Starkwell: Agent Smith, he's trying to sound like Agent Smith.

Lovelock: At least Anderson knows his audience... I guess...

[...]

Then Alice is made human again… and yet SOMEHOW she immediately survives a plane crash that exploded like the Deth Starr.  Lovelock started laughing, but Starkwell was being a real sourpuss.  I guess he really prefers films without GINORMOUS plot holes.

[...]

[Alice lands in Alaska, flying some kind of old World War II plane.]

Starkwell: Alice is… THE RED BARON.

[...]

Alice finds Claire, but she was being controlled by some kind of Umbrella Remote Control thing.  Once the thing is destroyed, she doesn’t remember Alice.  Eventually Claire remembers everything.  Seriously, having her memory be temporarily lost served no purpose.  So they go looking for the rest of their crew, trying to piece together what happened in Alaska.  Then they land on a building in Los Angeles, right as they run out of gas.

[...]

[Umbrella can hear everything that Alice says.]

Starkwell: How can Alice be that dumb?  She knows they are monitoring her every move...

Lovelock: Well, someone who wakes up naked and confused as often as she does can’t possibly be the sharpest tool in the shed.

Starkwell: Hey… good point, no Nude Milla yet.

Lovelock: Well, this was the first of the series made AFTER they got married… maybe Anderson suddenly didn’t like EVERYONE seeing his wife naked, wet and confused.

[...]

[Chris, played by Wentworth Miller, is locked in the Building Gang’s holding cell.]

Lovelock: Pffff… like that little cage can hold Michael Scofield.

[...]

[Alice shows off her knives and guns and coin collection.]

Starkwell: Of course she collects coins.

[...]

[The Building Gang still has running water, Alice is about to strip and take a shower, but is interrupted by mutant zombies.]

Lovelock: Oh COME ON!!!  Now he’s just teasing us!  It’s like he’s TRYING to remind us that there is no naked, wet and confused Milla in this one.

[...]

Anyways, the action pressed on, as the Building Gang tried to find a way out of there.  As usual, Anderson has no trouble killing people off as quickly as he introduces them.  The action scenes are pretty over the top and cheesy, but what else could you expect?

[...]

[Alice flies off the roof, swinging on a cable and mows down zombies in mid-air, to a techno soundtrack.]

Lovelock: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

[...]

[Super zombie fights Alice and Claire with some sort of super hammer.]

Starkwell: Where does a zombie get a hammer like that?

Lovelock: I assume the same place Alice got her ‘Red Baron’ plane.

Starkwell: And how would he learn to use it?

Lovelock: Probably at the same school that taught Alice how to jump kick dogs.

[...]

Alice, Chris and Claire are the only ones to survive and they eventually make it to the Arcadia, a ship sitting just off the coast of L.A.

[...]

[The Arcadia is some sort of SECRET UMBRELLA LAB.]

Starkwell: How many secret labs can one company possibly have?  Every time Alice destroys one and is all “that’s the last of them” it’s all “aw hell no it ain’t”… getting A LITTLE OLD.

Lovelock: You’re getting a little old.

[...]

Captain Sunglasses is still alive, and acting all Agent Smithy.  He has zombie dogs that look like they’re from “The Thing”.  Anyways, they fight and eventually it’s the end and it’s happy, OR IS IT!?!?! OBVIOUSLY NOT and so everything is set up for another film.  And there are twists!!  It’s clear that the next film will start with INSTANT EXPLOSIONS OF ACTION.  Starkwell and Lovelock did enjoy this one, but are now even more disappointed about the fact that they can’t see what happens next.  That mixed with Lovelock’s disappointment that we were not treated with a naked and confused Milla has created a grim atmosphere here in the TV room.  Spirits are low.  Good.  They were getting a little too comfortable.

Resident Evil: Extinction.

Will all the characers be back, or will they have randomly and inexplicably disappeared?  What will happen with puppet Alice?  How often will Milla Jovovich end up confused and naked, and often times, soaking wet?  Starkwell and Lovelock sit patiently, prepared to do the research necessary to answer these questions and many more, and likely make all sorts of jokes in between.  Let’s see what happens as they see what happens as the DVD explodes into the DVD player and onto the screen.  Like Apocalypse, this was written but not directed by Anderson.  This time, Russell Mulcahy takes the reigns.  He is known, by me, as the dude that directed “Highlander”.  Ready, set, EXTINCTION.

[...]

Lovelock: There can be only one!

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Last time, I promise.

[...]

[Opens with same sequence from the first film of… Milla Jovovich, naked and confused.]

Lovelock: I prefer all new naked and confused footage, but I suppose this counts.

[...]

[Scientists dump dead Alice into a pile of dead Alices.]

Lovelock: What the-

[...]

Then the film explained how the virus was not wiped out when they bombed Racoon City.  The whole world is over run with zombies.  This is all it took for Lovelock to simultaneously cry tears of joy, high five Starkwell and do a roundhouse jump kick while playing air guitar.  He was so into his playing that he missed a scene of Alice killing some drifters that ambushed her.

[...]

[Pimp and Carlos are back.  Jill is nowhere to be found.  None of them are traveling with Alice…]

Lovelock: Awwww… but whose gun handling will we be able to make fun of?

Starkwell: Don’t worry.  Ali Larter will probably fill in nicely.

Lovelock: I’m just happy that George Harrison Guy is back.

Starkwell: No.  No more, dude.  That actor is ISRAELI… you’re an idiot.

[...]

[Then there was a secret meeting with Umbrella corporation people where the head of the table was a dude in shades.  And he is a hologram.]

Starkwell: Why would a holographic image need sunglasses?  In an underground facility no less...

Lovelock: Maybe it’s sunny where he’s sitting?

Starkwell: Maybe he’s sitting in the Matrix.

[...]

Then there was a scene that pretty much rips off Romero’s “Day of the Dead”.  Maybe he was aiming for HOMAGE.  Anyways, overall, the film is pretty entertaining.  Starkwell and Lovelock watched pretty closely.  It still has its cheesy moments, but is definitely not TRYING as hard as "Apocalypse" did to be overtly cheesy and campy.  I’m paraphrasing from Starkwell. 

[...]

[Naked Alice clone sits in a tub of water, actual Alice has nightmares.]

Lovelock: Did you see the way the director SEAMLESSLY showed us that she has telekinetic powers AND showed us a naked, confused and soaking wet Alice?

Starkwell: They’re getting better and better at working Naked Milla into different parts of the movie.

[...]

Then there was a zombie bird scene, and due to his irrational fear of birds, for the first time in my life, I saw Lovelock closing his eyes during a movie.  Starkwell missed a lot of what was going on, since he was busy ridiculing Lovelock.  A few people got pecked to death, but eventually Alice saved the day with her powers of explosion.

[...]

Starkwell: Nice of her to show up and re-join the convoy AFTER that random girl got pecked to death.

Lovelock: Wait... That blonde girl’s name is K-Mart?  Worst post-apocalyptic name ever.   She may as well be named TARGET or GONER… You know who lasts long?  People named SOLITAIRE or DESTRO or TRIXIE or DYNAMITE or NITRO.

Starkwell: I name you VILLAGE IDIOT.

[...]

[Claire and her convoy of survivors are HEADING TO VEGAS.  To find gas.]

Lovelock: Vegas will be crawling with zombies.  Shit, even before the apocalypse, half of the performers there were essentially the living dead.

Starkwell: I'm just glad no one said the over-used and totally played-out "Vegas, baby, Vegas."

[...]

So basically, while in Vegas, the convoy comes across a crate full of fast moving mutant zombies that the Umbrella Scientists left for them.  They bear some resemblance to the crazy zombies in Lenzi’s “Nightmare City”.  Could it be Anderson is paying HOMAGE?  I'm starting to think that maybe Anderson watches the same movies that we do.  

[...]

Lovelock: I kind of wish that the fats mutant zombies all had machetes.

[...]

Most of the convoy dies, including COWBOY, PIMP.  K-Mart lives… proving Lovelock wrong.  At least for now.  Anyways, Alice goes all NINJA and takes out the Umbrella scientists, and there were fistpumps performed all over the Zombie Hall TV room.  Anyways, they need to GET TO THE CHOPPER again, so, in order to infiltrate the secret Umbrella lab and get the chopper, Carlos goes KAMIKAZE and explodes himself in a big truck.  Lovelock cried while humming a George Harrison tune.  Starkwell smacked him in the back of the head.

[...]

[The convoy gang gets on the chopper, heads to Alaska.  Alice stays behind to head into the secret lab and finish up with Scientist dude.  Who is now a mutant super being thing.]

Lovelock:  Oh man, Milla Jovovich holding a DYING NAKED CONFUSED AND SOAKING WET Milla Jovovich!!!!!!!

Starkwell: Every movie they find a way to up the Naked Milla ante.

Lovelock: I can’t wait to see what they do next time around.

[...]

So, Alice takes care of Mutant Dude, and now, she wants to go after Captain Sunglasses in Tokyo.  She is of course going to bring with her, an army of one million Alice clones.  ROLL CREDITS.

[...]

Lovelock: Hopefully the first hour of the next movie is just a bunch of Naked Confused Milla Clones waking up a bunch of equally Naked Confused Milla Clones.

Starkwell: I’d watch that.

Lovelock: Dare to dream.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

Well, if history has taught us anything, this movie should start with a naked and confused Milla Jovovich.  I guess Paul Anderson likes showing his future wife off.  I should mention though, that while Anderson did write this one, a new director was brought on.  Maybe this will help... I guess we won't know until we get our 'Apocalypse' on.

[...]

[Intro is a recap of the entire first movie.]

Lovelock: Dude, we SOoooo could have skipped the first movie.

Starkwell: Maybe I should just skip this one.  Also... sorry dude, but it looks like we won’t get Naked Confused Milla to start this sucker off… Well, that is, unless you count the small shot of her in the recap.

Lovelock: No.  Failure.

[...]

[Jill Valentine is a SEXY COP, who’s OUT TO KICK some ASS.]

Lovelock: Seriously, Jill Valentine is a SEXY COP, who’s OUT TO KICK some ASS.

Starkwell: Looks like we done gots a SEXY COP, and she’s OUT TO KICK some ASS.

[...]

[Alice wakes up in some lab… naked.]

Lovelock: Success!

[...]

There was some pretty solid zombie mayhem.  Racoon City was over run, Starkwell and Lovelock were PUMPED.  Then a dude who looks kind of like George Harrison (according to Lovelock)  jumps out of a chopper shooting zombies in the air, and they laughed HARD.  Lovelock played a kick ass air guitar solo.

[...]

Lovelock: Here comes the sun.  Bitch.

Starkwell: Dude you’re nuts, he doesn’t look like George Harrison.

Lovelock: Not Beatles era, more like Traveling Wiburys timeframe.

[...]

They mostly just watched quietly as the story unfolded.  We have one group of survivors including JILL SEXYCOP, her cop friend, a reporter and some dude ('some dude' dies almost immediately).  They’re hauled up in a church, and we get our first view, in this movie, of the super mutant things.  This one is much faster than they were in the first film.  Anyways, I couldn’t always make out what they were saying because they spent a lot of time making fun of the actress playing Jill, and the way she held her gun.

[...]

Lovelock: “Bang bang.  I’m Jill and I’m here to party.”

Starkwell: “I’ve got you in my sites big boy.  You have the right to remain SEXY.”

[And so on and so forth.]

[...] 

[Alice flies through the window on a motorcycle.]

Starkwell: Good thing we knew she had a motorcycle.

Lovelock: Good thing she knew exactly where they were.

Starkwell: Good thing she wore her helmet.

Lovelock: Safety first!  As you crash through a window!

Starkwell: Good thing she picked an ALMOST skimpier and non-functional outfit than Jill is wearing.

Lovelock: Must be a competition.

[...]

[Topless zombies.]

Lovelock: Do you think this movie is to blame for all of those zombie stripper movies?

Starkwell: Even if it isn’t, that shit don’t belong.  Useless boobies.  Uwe Boll style.

[...]

Anyways, the heroes venture forward and have managed to keep the interest of Starkwell and Lovelock.  There are quite a few characters in this one, and, unlike the first in the series, they’ve actually kept most of them around past the first half hour of the film.  We assume that the different groups of survivors will all meet up at one point.  Then there was a graveyard scene, where bodies started exploding out of their graves and both Alice and Jill got their SEXYKILL LEGKICK powers on.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, Starkwell and Lovelock were still making fun of it, HARDCORE, but were having an absolute blast and eating mountains of popcorn.

[...]

[Evil Suits from Unbrella activate NEMESIS.]

Starkwell: Of course there’s a group of weekend warrior rednecks.

Lovelock: Of course the black guy is a pimp.  And has custom made guns.  And holds them sideways when aiming.

[NEMESIS kills all the rednecks, leaves Pimp alone.]

Starkwell: Is it just me or is the NEMESIS view kind of exactly like "Robocop" view?

Lovelock: Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.

[...]

Alice splits up from the group to have a one on one battle with NEMESIS.  “A boss battle, if you will”, says Lovelock.  Then Starkwell kicked him in his nuts.  The rest of the group, on a quest to find some British guy’s daughter, meets up with Pimp, obviously, and then with the other group, the chopper-jumping SWAT team, led by the guy that Lovelock says looks like George Harrison. 

[...]

[Reporter is eaten by a classroom full of zombie children.]

Lovelock: I give them all an ‘A+’.

Starkwell: Breaking news!  You’re dead!  And the crowd goes wild.

[...]

[On Jill's gun play.]

Lovelock: Seriously, she holds her fucking gun like a five year old child holds a water pistol.

Starkwell: That’s insulting, dude.  To five year olds.

[...]

Anderson seems to have no issue with introducing characters and then immediately offing them.  Starkwell and Lovelock both feel that this is an asset.  What isn’t an asset, according to Starkwell is that “Jill’s acting is atrocious” and “most of the animated characters in the video game series are less robotic than her.”  Then they made fun of how a kitchen scene with zombie dogs was a bit of a rip-off of the "Jurassic Park" kitchen scene.

[...]

[They have just under an hour to get to a chopper that is leaving Racoon City.]

Starkwell: So… basically… get to the chopper?

Lovelock: You’re doing it wrong… GET TO THA’ CHOPPAH!

[...]

Lovelock: Is it just me, or is Alice giving George Harrison Guy her Bedroom Eyes?  I mean “don’t worry… I’m not contagious…” What is that all about?

Starkwell: Seriously, dude.  Stop calling him George Harrison Guy.  It makes NO SENSE.

[...]

Then Alice has to fight NEMESIS again.  In front of a crowd.

[...]

[NEMESIS is actually BORING DUDE from the first movie.]

Starkwell: Might be the most obvious twist of all time.

[NEMESIS turns into a good guy!]

Starkwell: Might be the second most obvious twist of all time.

[...]

[Racoon City gets all ‘sploded.  Chopper crashes.]

Lovelock: Alice is dead?

Starkwell: Well, she’s on the cover of the next film, so I assume not.

[The Media disguises the incident as a reactor meltdown in the city.  That Unbrella tried to save Racoon City.]

Lovelock: It’s a bit far fetched that people would believe that.

Starkwell: Have you watched "FOX News" lately?

Lovelock: Good point.

[...]

[Alice is alive.  In a lab, in a tank of water (like Luke Skywalker), CONFUSED AND NAKED.]

Starkwell: And everything is right in the world.

Lovelock: How many times can one person wake up confused and naked?

Starkwell: Jovovich is DEFINITELY going for the record.

[During this naked confused part, she flashes back to OTHER naked confused parts of previous films.]

Lovelock: Exponential nakey-confused?  My brain just exploded.

[...]

Anyways, they set up the next film, and I guess Alice will have super powers, also, be a robot, also be a bad guy?  Maybe?  All in all, Starkwell and Lovelock had a lot of fun with this one, and are actually excited for the next one.  Anderson embraced the cheese here, and it certainly worked in his favor.

Resident Evil.

Love it or hate it, Paul Anderson’s “Resident Evil” series likely had a fair amount to do with the resurgence of zombie movies in blockbuster format at the beginning of the 21st century, and its subsequent boom of shitty b-grade trashy zombie camp.  Although none of the "Resident Evil" have really been critical successes, none have truly been flops at the box office, and the series has managed to stay afloat for not one, but five films over ten years.  Starkwell, Lovelock, meet Alice.

[...]

[One giant Pharmaceutical Company rules the world, pretty much.]

Starkwell: I thought this was a fictional movie.

Lovelock: Heyo!

[...]

[Scientists and employees of the Umbrella Corporation are trapped in research lab, someone released the ZOMBIE gas, or the T-Virus.]

Starkwell: Am I crazy or does the Umbrella corporation only seem to hire really good looking men and women between the ages of twenty-five and thirty?

[Milla Jovovich, wakes up naked, obviously.]

Lovelock: Would you rather this all look like a real corporation?  Have you seen what people in cubicles look like? They don't look like Milla Jovovich naked, I can tell you that much.

Starkwell: Yeah... well-

Lovelock: Shut up.  You’re ruining the side boob action.

[...]

Then the action packed music kicked in, as well as the pack of action.  Alice and some dude are taken by the Umbrella squad, and they all venture down a tunnel on a train, I assume to get to the super secret lab.  Alice doesn’t remember anything, but has flashes of a wedding to some dude who was hiding in the train’s closet.  It all seems fairly straight forward, and, thankfully according to Lovelock “not a whole hell of a lot like the original video game.”  To be fair, he doesn’t remember much, except that someone therein was a ‘Master of Unlocking’.  Anyways, they were quiet for a while.  It was all fairly by-the-numbers sci-fi horror, but as Starkwell points out “maybe it only seems 'by-the-numbers' because a lot of other movies borrowed from the same gene pool.”

[...]

[We see first zombie.]

Lovelock: I like where this is going.

[We see first glimpse of mutant zombie hybrid thingy things.]

Lovelock: Go onnnnn….

[...]

[Lasers head towards some of the hero squad in a hallway, they have to try and manoeuvre around them.  Each wave of lasers is harder than the preceding wave of lasers.]

Lovelock: That’s a little TOO video game-ish… Why would anyone design something like that?  Why wouldn’t they just send the “IMPOSSIBLE TO DODGE” laser combination right off the bat?

Starkwell: Seriously.  And from a FILM MAKING point of view, since they all died anyways, why not just have the first wave kill them all?

Lovelock: Well clearly Paul Anderson wanted to show people doing flips and shit.

[...]

What Starkwell and Lovelock DO enjoy is the fast pace, and the fact that the movie doesn’t take long to get going.  They, on the other hand, hate every single thing that Michelle Rodriguez says.  For example, lame things such as something “BITCH AIN’T STANDING NOW.”  Groan times a million.

[...]

[Crazy zombie madness.]

Lovelock: The zombies don’t look half bad, also, yay for people getting eaten.

[Alice apparently knows how to fight.]

Lovelock: Definitely where “The Bourne Identity” got all of its ideas.

Starkwell: Riiiiight… especially jump kicking the zombie dog?  Right?

Lovelock: Matt Damon couldn’t pull off that red dress thing that she's wearing, though.

Starkwell: Well, ANYWAYS, it’s nice to see a movie get zombie dogs right.

[...]

[The team try and fight and shut down the computer, the 'Red Queen', voiced by a young British girl.]

Lovelock:  Were they trying to make the Red Queen this annoying?

[...]

Non-stop zombie mayhem.

[...]

[Alice breaks a zombie’s neck.]

Starkwell: I don’t know that I would use my thighs to break the neck of a rabidly contagious zombie…

Lovelock: SHHhhh… she’s doing sexy kills.

[...]

More zombie mayhem, complete with GUY SACRIFICE staying back to hold the fort after being bitten and stranded, TOUGH CHICK LATINAPANTS who’s been half eaten but still not turning and fighting off the infection, ALICE VON SEXYKILL getting enough memory back to remember that there is a cure, and of course, finally EVIL McPLOT-TWIST shows his true colors.   Starkwell and Lovelock came up with the names.  There’s another character that they just call DUDE BORING.  He’s a scientist I think.

[...]

[Mutant thing kills McPLOT-TWIST, starts hunting the group but then…]

Lovelock: GUY SACRIFICE!  He’s ALIVE!!!!!

[For about another two minutes.]

[...]

Well, at least DUDE BORING survives.

[...]

[Alice wakes up in a facility.  Whole city is fucked.  They set it up for the sequel.]

Starkwell: Of course she’s naked.

Lovelock: Every movie should end with Naked and Confused Milla Jovovich.

Starkwell: Even kids’ movies?

Lovelock: ESPECIALLY kids’ movies.

[...]

A fair start to a series of films that would/could go on seemingly forever.