Thus far, Starkwell and Lovelock have been
none too impressed with cartoon zombies.
I don’t mean the zombies in “I Am Legend” (burn), but rather, what I
mean is zombie films that are entirely animated. It’s no secret that their tendency is to
prefer old campy sludgy special effects, and old campy sloppy movies… so
cartoons are a tough sell. Let’s see how
these ones do against them…
[...]
[ Blade of the Phantom Master (2004) ]
The “Resident Evil” animated films also
hailed from Japan JAPAN
[...]
[The narrator explains the story in
Japanese. The subtitles are… in
Japanese?]
Starkwell: Is this a joke?
Lovelock: Well, at least I don’t need to
even try reading and can just make up my own story…
[Once the dialogue starts, there are
English subtitles for that.]
[...]
[Main character meets a guy while walking
through the desert… this guy has a pet bat who looks all cute.]
Starkwell: Of course.
[...]
The cartoon moves pretty quickly, not sure
what direction it is going in… we’ve seen the main guy fight and kill a bunch
of man-eating desert lizard people. So
that was cool. His desert friend is
dead, but of course, the cute little bat survived.
From what we can gather, he is now going to go save the fiancée of the
dude he just exploded to save his own ass from the cannibals. I think he figths an evil emperor and goes to
Hell? I don’t know. There is some fairly cool zombie content,
they look decomposing, gross and awesome… and the whole thing is nicely put
together. Starkwell and Lovelock seemed
pleasantly surprised over all. Still
though, fairly bored at times.
[...]
[ El Santos vs. La Tetona Mendoza (2012) ]
This will definitely be their first Mexican
cartoon, but not their first shot at El Santos.
The live action version from the sixties had them cheering at times, so
let’s see if a cartoon can get any of that positive reaction.
[...]
[El Santos smokes a joint and travels to a
land of chocolate, tits and naked titty ladies squezzing their tits.]
Starkwell: …
Lovelock: Did WE smoke the joint?
[A green guy wearing sunglasses pulls a
rabbit out of a hat/vagina of a naked woman laying on the ground.]
Starkwell: This is as good a time as any
for me to take a break.
[...]
Shortly thereafter there was a song about
how wonderful peyote is. And they talked
a lot about El Santos ex-girlfriend who has huge boobs. Then El Santos gets on this whole thing where
he says zombies in Mexico Mexico
[...]
[Final scene involves El Santos talking to
an orange and pushing out a massive dump in a bathroom with booby-themed
wallpaper.]
Lovelock: Euuuh…
[They show his hairy asshole opening up,
and he poops out a joint that he then smokes with Booby Girl, and then they get
married.]
Lovelock: So, it’s saying that weed is the
solution to all of life’s problems?
[Insane.]
[...]
[ Monsters Vs. Aliens: Night Of the Living
Carrots (2011) ]
This is from “Dreamworks Spooky Stories:
Volume 2”. It’s a ten minute long short,
so it shouldn’t take long at least. It
is from Dreamworks, so it should at the very least have some decent production
value, like “Kung-Fu Panda Christmas”… right?
[...]
[Zombie carrots rise from the ground and go
after people… carrots bit people, people become zombies.]
Starkwell: Nice!
[The monsters are stuck in their house,
surrounded by zombies and zombie carrots.]
Lovelock: See, now THESE people know what
they are doing.
[The short film is short, but is a lot of
fun, and manages to get more pleasure out of Lovelock and Starkwell in its
short runtime than a lot of films, especially cartoons, do in full ninety
minute runtimes.]
[...]
[ Help Me Daddy, I’m a Zombie (2011) ]
Ok, well, onto Spain
[...]
Starkwell: It’s only when you see a cheap
cartoon that you realize how much better the big productions look.
Lovelock: Oh boy, this is gonna be a long
one.
[Eighty minutes of this? Sheesh.]
[...]
Anyways, eventually in her rebellion
against her divorced parents she runs into a tree and dies and rises in the
cemetery. The animation isn’t QUITE as
bad as Starkwell made it sound.
[...]
[According to this film, water, sunlight OR
fire destroys a zombie.]
Starkwell: That would make the zombie
apocalypse a Hell of a lot more manageable.
Lovelock: "It looked like the world would end. Then it rained."
[...]
Anyways, she helps destroy evil and whatnot
and ends up being returned back to life, but like, for real life, not zombie
style. Also, it may have all just been a
dream. Forgettable, and truly abysmal if
compared to other full length kids features like “Paranorman”.
[...]
[ The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror III:
Dial ‘Z’ for Zombies (1992) ]
I figured it was good to end them on a high
note. They had a rip-roaring good time
watching this episode, and then ended up watching half of Season 4, just for
fun. In the world of cartoons, whether
we’re talking about films or television, The Simpsons really have done it all,
and they’ve done it all so damn well.
[...]
Lovelock: “He was a zombie?” BAHAHAHAHA!
