Gangsters, Guns and Zombies.

I already know how Starkwell and Lovelock feel about the recent onslaught of zombie comedies.  So, this recent UK flick is basically in trouble before it even starts.  Saying that it has received mixed reviews is probably being kind.  This film was released around the same time as “Cockneys vs. Zombies” which is also about a British gang of bank robbers.  Not sure who ripped who off, but I’m fairly certain both of them try and lift shit from “Reservoir Dogs” and/or “Lock, Stock”, but with acting and dialogue that is not as good.  We are immediately introduced to all of the main characters, who are on their first “job” robbing a bank, when there seems to be a zombie outbreak going on while they try and get Danny some help (he’s been shot).

[...]

[Boss Man Tony shoots a man in the head, then a girl gets eaten, then he shoots the girl and the guy who ate her.]

Lovelock: It’s refreshing to see a newer movie employ old fashioned special effects instead of garbage CGI.

Starkwell: Shows a lot of heart.

[...]

It’s clear that the outbreak has been going on for a while, since no one seems shocked by the zombies.  Or people were prepared for it I guess?  It’s a bit of a plothole at this point, but maybe they’ll explain it later.

[...]

[The gang gets to the hospital to get Danny some help and kill a bunch of zombies.]

Starkwell: Are they going to flash words on the screen before every scene?  “THE HOSPITAL”… I mean… yeah we can see that.

[A minute later it flashes “THE SAFEHOUSE”.]

Starkwell: Well now, that was a quick ‘hospital’ scene.

Lovelock: Yeah, the word introductions are lame.

[...]

Neither Lovelock nor Starkwell, nor myself for that matter really see any actual story yet, other than lifting a lot of ideas from either Guy Ritchie or Quentin Tarantino.

[...]

Lovelock: The girl getting eaten by zombie clowns was a nice touch.

Starkwell: Touch of pointless.

[...]

Twenty minutes in, and it’s just been dudes driving in a van while showing random shots of zombie action.  Oh sure, they got out for a minute at the hospital, but then ran IMMEDIATELY back in when they were swarmed.

[...]

[Danny dies, so they finally leave the van to busy him, and have a mini funeral in the woods.]

Lovelock: What a nice group of gangsters.  Is Pat crying?

[They are suddenly swarmed by zombies… wearing old fashioned armor… ?]

Starkwell: Wait, did they travel back in time or something?

Lovelock: That’s no van, it’s a TIME MACHINE.

Starkwell: No, it’s a just a van.

Lovelock: Yeah I know.  I was just trying to make it more interesting.  We’re hitting the forty minute mark and thirty five of those have been DRIVING THE FUCKING VAN.

Starkwell: LARPERS.  Must have been some serious zombie larpers.

[...]

We’ve gotten no back story on the characters, no character development DURING the film so far.  So really, it’s just random British dudes in a van.  But it’s well filmed and the zombie and gore stuff look fun.

[...]

Starkwell: It has become far too trendy for films to just have a shitload of characters and not develop any of them.  It doesn’t take talent to write a lot of characters into a story.  It takes talent to make them RELEVANT to the story.

Lovelock: Agreed.  This writing appears lazy to me.

[...]

Well, they meet an old bag and her hot granddaughter, and stay hauled up in their… windmill?

[...]

Lovelock: Nice to see them get out of the van.

[Immediate love connection between main guy ‘Q’ and the granddaughter.]

Starkwell: Obviously.

[Still no sign of a character that we actually give a turd about, but there ARE some decent jokes in the mix.  But then the grandmother charges the zombies and curses.]

Lovelock: Cursing granny?  So played.

[...]

Starkwell: They’re driving again?

Lovelock: At least it ain’t in the van.

[...]

With fifteen minutes left, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.  Oh wait, they just spent like five minutes building a campfire.  So there’s that.  I haven’t seen Lovelock and Starkwell yawn this much in a long time.

[...]

[‘Q’ and granddaughter cuddle ‘round the campfire like soulmates.]

Starkwell: Right.

Lovelock: If only it were that easy.

Starkwell: Well, to be fair, it’s not that easy surviving on the run in a zombie outbreak.

Lovelock: Whatever dude.  It usually takes longer than a day to work up to that kind of cuddling.  ESPECIALLY in a zombie outbreak.

[...]

Then the movie ends as the surviving gang members and granddaughter escape the UK in a boat.  And ‘Q’ and granddaughter make out like crazy.  So… it took an hour and a half for nothing to happen.  Well, at least it ends with a blooper reel.  Who doesn’t love that.

[...]

Starkwell: I don’t.  I don’t love that.

Dead Set.

There ain’t much that Starkwell and Lovelock hate more than reality television.  So the idea of a miniseries that both parodies reality show “Big Brother” and includes zombies sounds almost too good to be true.  It works so well on paper that they almost don’t want to watch it, fearing the inevitable disappointment.  But, they’re troopers, so they go forth and attack the two plus hours of zombie fare.

[...]

[We are introduced to the characters as well as the narrator who PERFECTLY imitates and mocks the Big Brother guy.  We also get to see the editors, behind the scenes.]

Starkwell: Is it just me, or does this already look amazing?

Lovelock: It is not just you.

[Maybe I’ve been showing them too much crap lately, or maybe this does already show an awful lot of promise.  Plus the main producer character made a “Manchester Morgue” reference which was appreciated by both dudes, and myelf.]

[...]

So as the show producers work on Big Brother show and continue to film the flatmates, we are simultaneously treated to news footage that there is bizarre violence erupting throughout London.  It is EVICTION night at the Big Brother house and they are getting ready to go live.

[...]

[Zombies arrive at the studio, find the crowd of people there cheering for the show and THEN, much chaos, eating and madness ensue.]

Starkwell: ZOMBIES SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE!

Lovelock: This.  Fucking.  Rules.

[...]

As the outbreak absolutely explodes into the rest of the studio, the flatmates are, obviously, unaware of what’s going on right outside.  It’s so well done that not only is Starkwell fully alright with the running zombies, but he is absolutely speechless at how well the whole thing is written, directed, acted and shot.  Lovelock is basically doing cartwheels while singing along to the Mika song playing.  On top of the safe and secure contestants, there appear to be a couple of crew members still alive littered throughout the studio, including main character Kelly.

[...]

[Zombie in a wheelchair is unable to get up out of his chair.]

Starkwell: Not sure how I feel about that, dead can get up and walk… unless they were previously paralyzed?

Lovelock: No, actually it makes sense dude.   It’s not like if they lose a leg they can grow it back ET CETERA ET CETERA.

[Not often does Lovelock seemingly school Starkwell.]

[...]

Kelly finds her way into the house with the contestants and tries to explain to them what is going on out there.  They don’t believe her and think she’s just pulling their leg, until a zombie finds its way into the house and then, well, they dive head first into belief town.   And that’s how the first episode ends.

[...]

[Episode two starts with a ‘previously on’.]

Lovelock: Dude, we just watched that shit.

[So I fast forward… I won’t make that mistake again.]

[...]

On top of the Big Brother house and Kelly, we also are following Kelly’s boyfriend Riq and his adventures on the road with the rifle-bearing woman that he met up with.  This whole thing started off with the parody comedy angle, but very quickly went to horror and even a bit of drama, what with the whole WORLD IS ESSENTIALLY OVER thing and a soundtrack that may as well have been supplied by Mogwai at there most melancholic.

[...]

[Riq and Woman’s Jeep broke down, and Riq is trying to fix it.]

Lovelock: Fucking Jeeps man, so unreliable.

[Zombies show up and chase Riq and Woman (Alex) down the street in the dark and they come across a huge mansion.]

Starkwell: Jeeps - unreliable, this movie - SUPER reliable.

[Meanwhile one of the flatmates was bit and is starting to turn.]

[...]

Kelly and two of the flatmate dudes venture away from the house to try and get antibiotics for the recently bitten Sassy Black Woman of the house.  Riq at the mansion notices that they are still broadcasting live feed from the Big Brother House and starts watching.  While they are out, the bitten woman turns and bites the other contestant.

[...]

[They push the zombie woman into the hot tub, and she just sits there unable to move.]

Lovelock: Zombies can’t swim!  Man, if ever there’s an outbreak, I’m getting a fucking boat.

Starkwell: Good luck with that, you hate open water.

Lovelock: True, but not as much as I hate dying, or birds.

[...]

[We’re onto episode four, Riq now knows his girl is alive, and the flatmates have begun clearing the area enclosed within the studio gates.]

Starkwell: The nods to “Dawn” are a nice touch.

Lovelock: It’s all fine and dandy that Riq loves her, but she was banging that other dude that worked on the show.

Starkwell: Not many people left in the world… beggars can’t be choosers.

[...]

[Riq finds a boat and is going to sail on a river that apparently goes toward the back of the studio lot.]

Lovelock: Boat!  That’s what I’m taling about.

Starkwell: Wait, so now you want him to find her?

Lovelock: No.  He should just sail off into the zombieless sunset with Alex Gun Woman.

[...]

The main producer scumbag guy is still alive and finds his way back into the house along with the random bimbo girl.  And then they all start waxing philosophical about why this may be happening.   Terrorist attack?  Military experiment?  Act of God?  In other news, Alex dies along the river.

[...]

Lovelock: See, my boat plan only works if you never get out of the boat.

[...]

[Scumbag Producer chops up one of the dead people to throw some ‘bait’ to the zombies blocking the front gate.]

Starkwell: Holy shit dude.

[Kelly is okay with the plan.]

Lovelock: I told you dude.  She is no good.  Riq deserves better.

[...]

[Riq makes it to the house, Kelly and Riq kiss and hug, Kelly tells him he stinks.]

Lovelock: If anyone stinks it’s her.  Of CHEATING.

Starkwell: Easy.

[...]

So, in the final episode, they end up tying up and gagging the scumbag producer guy, who then tries to turn the unpopular flatmate over to his darkside, and it works almost immediately.  Unpopular dude frees him and they take Kelly as a hostage and attempt to break free of the Big Brother House.  Of course, this backfires and a bunch of zombies get in and everyone starts getting eaten. 

[...]

Lovelock: MAAAAAYHEM!!!!!!

[Then he passed out from over excitement.]

[...]

Well, the world is fucking over.  And as always, we are the real cause for humanity’s demise.  And now we just sit and watch zombies on TV.

Devil's Playground.

A newer zombie film from the UK, "Devil’s Playground" apparently offers SUPER ATHLETIC FAST ZOMBIES.  Which probably will just end up meaning a hybrid between two film fads from this movie's production year, zombies and parkour.  In any case, let’s see if it can keep the interest of our resident zombie aficionados Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

[Montage explaining how the outbreak started.]

Starkwell: Who the fuck would volunteer for that?

Lovelock: And I thought the FDA was too loose.

Starkwell: Let’s never go to the UK.

[...]

We are then introduced to a series of characters and some recognizable faces.  Most of the characters seem to be criminals.  Starkwell said something like “I smell an Anti-Hero.”

[...]

[Scientists lose control of one of the trial patients.]

Starkwell: They don’t even know if it’s contagious?  Worst scientists ever.

Lovelock: Shhhh… let the crazy rabid zombie eat in peace. 

[Main character shoots zombie in the head a lot.  Bitten scientists immediately sprout up and ATTACK.]

Starkwell: Well, that answers the contagious question.

Lovelock: And the scientists got what they deserve.  Win win.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure it’s just lose.

Lovelock: For who?

Starkwell: Us.

[...]

This is a pretty violent mess.  And the outbreak EXPLODES ALL OVER LONDON.

[...]

[Cole, clearly infected, shoots a dude who tries to kill him.  In the head.]

Lovelock: I like Cole.

[...]

Then zombies chased Cole through a parking lot and there was some of the lamest and most forced parkour ever.  They laughed.  Hard.  There wasn’t much talking after that.  They were watching the movie pretty quietly, seemingly interested at what would happen next.

[...]

[Zombies are scared of the water.]

Lovelock: Geez, are they zombies or SYNGENORs?

Starkwell: Pretty obscure reference.  Try again.

Lovelock: Are they zombies or the stupid aliens from "Signs"?

Starkwell: Better.

[...]

Starkwell: I have a big problem with the fact that some people turn zombie instantaneously, and others take a long time.

Lovelock: I have a big problem with the fact the American dude is a total douchebag.

Starkwell: Well, at least they’re playing up the idea that our worst enemy is ourselves.

Lovelock: I guess… more like our worst enemy is the dude from the USA.

Starkwell: And his piece of shit British lady friend.

[...]

[Joe doesn’t want Angela to go with Cole, fearing that they will do experiments on her.]

Starkwell: Joe seems like a good guy and all, but doesn’t he realize that she is the key to making this horrifying outbreak stop?

Lovelock: He’s either stupid, or selfish.  Either way, it ain’t great for ol’ Joe.

[...]

There’s a fairly intense ending, complete with standoff between our two heroes and a horde of zombies.  Lovelock cried, Starkwell laughed at him.  Good times were had by all.  Fairly cookie cutter stuff, but executed well enough to deserve a place in the mediocre pile of “not that shitty” zombie movies.

[...]

Lovelock: It is pretty sweet that Cole’s weapon of choice is the hammer.

Zombie Diaries.

It seems like documentary style is all the rage in recent years.  While this “cheap” and “lo-fi” feel can produce genuinely scary stuff, most of the time, it just ends up looking cheap and lo-fi.  It can be cheap to make movies in this fashion, which might be why they have become fashionable.  Excited to see which side of the fence late two thousandies’ “Zombie Diaries” ends up on, Starkwell and Lovelock sit prepared, waiting, watching, judging.   Often farting.

[...]

[HASMAT suits collect sample from dead zombie.]

Starkwell: When that HASMAT guy reached his arm over you could see his exposed wrist.  Why wouldn’t the director try just a little harder for realism?

Lovelock: Scientists can make mistakes.

Starkwell: Right... but directors shouldn't make ones THIS big and obvious.  Just duct tape the gardening gloves to the suit.  Fuck, they probably did twenty takes and that was the best one they had.

Lovelock: I thought it was convincing.

Starkwell: That’s because you’re an idiot.

[...]

Starkwell: Bad British acting somehow always seems better than bad American acting.

Lovelock: I think it’s the accent.

[...]

The story progressed, the characters seemed likeable enough.  Starkwell and Lovelock sat quietly, waiting for something to happen.  The “cameraman” in the movie says he is constantly filming because he wants to document everything.  Starkwell wonders why that means they have to show it all to us... Lovelock says he wishes that CAMERAMAN would “discriminate a little more.  Who gives a shit about a bunch of arguing British reporters?”

[...]

[Lights go out in farm house, flashlight camera finds the first zombies.]

Lovelock: [… nervous fart… ]

Starkwell: HASMAT Suit continuity error from the beginning is still leaving a sour taste in my mouth.

Lovelock: Are we watching the same thing?

[Random cut to DIARY TWO which is one month later.]

Lovelock: Awww… just when it was getting good.

Starkwell: What the what?  So it wasn’t enough to make a documentary style zombie film?  That had to make weird scattered and disjointed timeline and chronology too?  Will we ever find out what happened?  Do we care?

Lovelock: It’s overcomplicating messes like this that lead to such scenes as "HASMAT guy with an exposed wrist".

[...]

[There’s an American guy now.]

Starkwell: See what I mean?  The American seems like a much worse actor than the others.  But in reality, they are probably ALL terrible.

Lovelock: Totally.  I think I’d get away with a lot more if I sounded British.

[...]

This “part 2” starts just as slowly as part one did, with the exception of one decent looking zombie getting his head blown off.  If we’ve learned anything from “part 1” it’s that it will randomly change to a “part 3” as soon as we start seeing some action.

[...]

[That’s exactly what happened.]

Starkwell: COME ON!  Shifting around the order of your movie into weird segments doesn’t automatically make it interesting, you assholes.

Lovelock: I’m more concerned with how boring it is, regardless of order.

[Director makes a Twin Towers reference.]

Starkwell: Dude, weak.

Lovelock: I’m still more concerned with how boring this all is.

[...]

Starkwell: Someone should tell these guys that ‘documentary style’ doesn’t mean it has to be out of focus and motion sickness-y.

Lovelock: Were they shooting at zombies?  I’m not even sure what just happened.

Starkwell: They should have ended this movie after “part 1”.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were quiet then for a while, visibly annoyed at the movie, the characters and the dialogue.  Lovelock can be pretty easy to win over, but this movie is not giving him the good stuff.  Randomly it cut back to the characters from “part 2” and Starkwell just made a weird sound.  It sounded like a laugh, mixed with a painful cry of some kind.

[...]

Starkwell: Well at least they ate the shitty American.

[...]

This is the type of film that has some legitimately creepy and effective shots of horror, but they are surrounded by many legitimately boring and ineffective shots of bad acting.  The fact that some of it works just makes the rest seem more annoying, and the movie becomes a frustrating mess.

[...]

Starkwell: If you give someone a candy, but hand it to them in a bucket of shit, who’s really going to be able to come out excited about the candy?

Lovelock: What does that have to do with the movie?

Starkwell: Everything.  Everything, man.

[...]

[Now it keeps jumping from “part” to “part”.  Each time this happens, it makes Lovelock more confused and Starkwell more mad.  Dear director, you’re losing ‘em.]

Starkwell: The director lost me at “HASMAT suit guy shows bare wrist”.

Lovelock: He lost me at “CONFUSING MESS”.  “Zombie Diaries”?  More like “Zombie Diarrheas”.

Starkwell: I think it’s just diarrhea.

Lovelock: But what if there’s more than one diarrhea?

Starkwell: It’s like mud.  You throw mud on top of mud, you don’t get ‘muds’, you just get more mud.

Lovelock: This movie is muds.

[...]

[Basically you find out one of the dudes named ‘Goke’ is like an evil rapist murderer monster man.]

Lovelock: So in the end, the real enemy is ‘man’?  The real enemy is ‘Goke’?

Starkwell: The real enemy is the people that made this movie.

Lovelock: Maybe the real enemy is the person that asked us to watch this.

[...]

Shit, the troops are turning on me.  At least there is only fifteen minutes left which probably isn’t enough time for them to plan their coup.

[...]

[Back to one month earlier, the tail end of "part 1".]

Starkwell: [sarcastically] No, don’t trust the Goke guy, no don’t… [not sarcastically] WHO CARES?  FUCKING END ALREADY.

Lovelock: See they DID tie it all together.  It just happens to be tied together with a ribbon of diarrhea.

Starkwell: You’re really stuck on that word today…  Also, it’s not really all tied together.  This movie has more holes than-

Lovelock: A net full of diarrhea?

Starkwell: Dude, enough.

[...]

Well the movie ends, and it’s all depressing and shit.  Plus they spend way too much time focusing on the two dudes that love to torture and rape and what have you… Starkwell and Lovelock seem depressed too.  There’s a sequel that came out last year.  I think I’ll have to get them drunk if I ever want them to watch it.  Also, the cover of this fucking DVD is not even remotely close to what this movie ends up being.

Horror Hospital.

I don’t know much about the 1973 film “Horror Hospital”.  From what I can tell it was Antony Balch’s final film venture, and it was one that he both wrote and directed.  Maybe it was so good he knew he could never top it.  Maybe it was so bad he retired.  It is an impressive looking special edition DVD, so I eagerly await Starkwell and Lovelock’s opportunity to find out if it was a good or bad swan song.

[...]

[Opening scene involves a car equipped with a retractable sword and a basket for collecting the heads of the people whom the car’s sword beheads.  Two people are decapitated.]

Lovelock: I think more movies need to start that way.  Every movie.

Starkwell: I don’t think EVERY movie could pull it off.

Lovelock: Name one that couldn’t.

Starkwell: "Home Alone".

Lovelock: Movie opens with Shovel Guy chasing down Pesci and Stern with a sword car, chops off both of their heads, KABLAMMO.  Fades to black and then opens where the ‘regular’ cut of the film does, and says ‘earlier that week’ at the bottom.  Plus you could cut out the whole ‘Shovel Guy’s Granddaughter’ storyline that makes people cry.

Starkwell: Kind of changes the feel of the movie a little.

Lovelock: Whatever, dude.  Hey, is that Alfred from original "Batman"?

Starkwell: I don’t know that I would call Burton’s film ‘original’ Batman.

Lovelock: True, original "Batman" movie had exploding shark.

[...]

After only a few short minutes, it becomes abundantly clear to Starkwell and Lovelock that this film is gonna be one nutty ride.

[...]

[Zombies sitting at the dinner table.  The main characters come and sit down.  One girl starts screaming and two bikers come and take her away.]

Starkwell: So they just always wear motorcycle helmets regardless of whether or not they are on their bikes?

Lovelock: Maybe it’s in case they fall… that marble staircase looks awful slippery.

[...]

[Main characters passionately embrace.]

Starkwell: Considering they just met an hour or so ago, they seem to care an awful lot about each other.

Lovelock: Look at his hair.  Who wouldn’t fall for that right away!?!?

[...]

[Main Character Jason kicks Helmet Goon into pit of hot mud.]

Starkwell: He has a Shatneresque fighting style.

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason.  You won’t get very far.

Starkwell: He did a good job in trying.

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason.  You won’t get very far.

Starkwell: Why did they even bother explain what they are doing to the people?  Why give him a chance to escape.

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason.  You won’t get very far.

[...]

[Jason is gassed and has a flashback recapping everything that has happened in the movie thus far.]

Starkwell: So we could have just started watching now and been totally up to date.

Lovelock: But then you would have missed all the romance scenes.

Starkwell: Wait… what?

Lovelock: It’s no use, Jason.  You won’t get very far.

[...]

Then there was a scene where the Old Bag was packing her things and it felt like it lasted a million years.  But then this creepy melty creature popped out of nowhere and killed her and Lovelock and Starkwell both stood up and cheered.  A little while later there was an awkwardly long sequence of the Midget Servant turned Helper Dude trying to break the two heroes out that you would have to see to believe.

[...]

[Drawn out flashback sequence about how Dr. Storm became the Mad Scientist he is today.]

Starkwell: Damn.  The movie almost made it without full frontal male nudity.

Lovelock: Almost only counts in horseshoes.

[...]

As the heroes destroyed the place and the weird shit-monster fondled Milly, the twist ending caused both Starkwell and Lovelock to laugh endlessly, mostly because there was absolutely no reason to have the twist in the first place.  The second twist ending, admittedly was pretty fucking awesome.  Solid movie.  A little insane, a lot over the top, but overall very enjoyable.

Doghouse.

Kind of a new one.  This is a British, Jake West directed picture that I’ve heard good things about it.  It’s an IFC release, much like the recent ‘La Horde’.  Well, let’s not waste any more time.  Let’s go to the ‘Doghouse’.

[...]

[The movie starts by introducing each character with a cartoon-like introduction for each.]

Starkwell: Well, I like that they are establishing a lot of different characters, but I could do without the awful picture that they are painting of marriage and women in general.

Lovelock: The main character seems to have a good head on his shoulders.  At least he seems sad about the divorce.

Starkwell: We’ll see.

[...]

They seem to be hinting that the main guy isn’t a total dumb-ass caveman, but Starkwell keeps talking about the ridiculous way that marriage and women are often portrayed in movies.  Hopefully he can get down off of his soapbox when the characters develop a little more and we see some action.  And then, the movie got insane, fast, and Starkwell no longer cared.

[...]

[After magically figuring out that the virus only affects women.]

Starkwell: Only women get sick?  That’s a bit sexist.

Lovelock: Yeah, but the men are the victims.  They eat them.  Do you think this whole movie was written by a Hall and Oates fan?

Starkwell: Woah.  Here she comes.

[...]

[Physical comedy in this movie is often accompanied by strings and such in synch with the action.]

Starkwell: The soundtrack is fantastic.

Lovelock: This whole movie is like a sadistic Looney Tunes cartoon.

[...]

They went quiet for a while.  Mostly just letting out a lot of giggles and somewhat hypnotized by the over the top action, the surprisingly sharp dialog, and the somehow convincing acting.  But they quickly started realizing that much like 'The Hangover', this movie has no depth, no character, and no heart.

[...]

[Turns out the evil army infected the town through laundry detergent.]

Starkwell: It’s in the laundry detergent?  That’s even more sexist.

Lovelock: They may as well have put it in the tampons.

[...]

[The hair salon zombie walks around snipping her scissors, non-stop.]

Lovelock: I’m really sick of Edward Scissorhands.

Starkwell: I'm getting sick of this movie, at least a little bit.

[...]

[Suddenly the main character goes into a rant about how women are always trying to change men and bring them down.  There is mention of a frequency that paralyses women, that only they can hear.  Like a dog whistle.  They actually compare women to dogs.]

Starkwell: I was waiting for some positive development in the characters, but now the main character got even more jaded and sexist, and for some reason they all seem indifferent that two thirds of their group just died.  Did he learn anything?

Lovelock: Did we?

Starkwell: Only that the characters didn’t really grow.  They might have even regressed.

Lovelock: Well that, and that there is a magical frequency that only women can hear.

Starkwell: Yeah, I don’t think that’s real.

Lovelock: Why would they make that up?

[...]

[Cornered and with nowhere to go, the surviving members of the Man Group start running away in a shopping cart giggling and laughing.  It ends on a freeze-frame.  Like Mad Mission, but without any of the good.]

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

Confused, angry and a little bit offended by the apparent point of the story, Starkwell and Lovelock both stood up, and walked directly out of the room.  I for one am going to go kiss my awesome wife now.  Great on action, decent on dialogue, mediocre on story, and piss-poor on making me give even the slightest shit about any one of the characters.

The Plague of the Zombies.

So, we’re going to watch ‘The Plague of the Zombies’, a 1966 Hammer Film about, you guessed it, a plague...  of Zombies.  It says ‘Anchor Bay’ on the outside, but the disc seems to be a DVD-R. Ok, and apparently this DVD has no menu, so it just started. 

[...]

[Movie opens with bongo players and fire.]

Starkwell: Well, clearly we’re going to learn a lot about filmmaking here, since the first character that appears in the movie looks right at the camera before the focus moves a way from him.  FIVE SECONDS INTO THE MOVIE.

Lovelock: Can you at least wait for the movie to get going before you try and rip it apart?

Starkwell: Holy shit, I might have spoken too soon indeed, because that guy looks like the craziest bongo player ever.  Woah!  He’s screaming!  Woah! Fast awkward cut!

Lovelock: Shhh... I’m trying to follow the story.

Starkwell: Sure you are.

[...]

[The main character has a mustache like Super Mario, he also seems suspicious of everything and everyone.]

Lovelock: Sir James is so clever, he knows something is up. You can’t put anything past this guy.

Starkwell: Probably because everything gets caught in his gigantic moustache.

[...]

The room went quiet for a while, because both became quite engrossed in the story and the surprisingly quick dialogue and actual acting.

[...]

[Weird sick girl tells Blondie about setting her up with a guy named Clive, that everyone else thinks is evil.  Sounds like a keeper.  After that she runs away frantically.]

Lovelock: Clive Hamilton… Might be the best bad-guy name ever.

Starkwell: That's probably why his name was accompanied by creepy music.

Lovelock: Oh seriously?  Just let her go!  Don’t go out in the DAY FOR NIGHT time all alone, that’s just stupid.

Starkwell: That’s a fairly defined shadow for the middle of the DAY FOR NIGHT time.

[...]

[After her meeting with Clive, the meet-cute if you will,  he warns her of landmines on her walk home.  What a Gentleman.]

Starkwell: "Have a nice walk home, watch out for landmines" ... Seriously?

Lovelock: Well, I feel that he doesn’t seem so bad after all.  Except that he has all his servant dudes dressed like polo players.

Starkwell: Or mounties.

[...]

[Doctor Mustache and his little helper monkey dig up a body of a recently deceased guy.]

Lovelock:  Oh yeah, I like this, digging up bodies usually ends well.

[...]

And then there was a scene that made both of them poop their pants.

[...]

[Doctor Mustache's helper monkey, Peter, cries big tears in this scene, after finding out his insane lady friend has expired.]

Lovelock: I think most movies could be improved if everyone acted as HARD as the guy playing Peter.  Those tears are real.

Starkwell: If you say so…

[...]

[The dialogue throughout the movie, is very rich.  Clive 'accidentally' drops a glass and Blondie cuts her finger on it.  He collects the blood into a glass.]

Starkwell: No one writes movies like this anymore.

Lovelock: She didn’t find it odd that he squeezed blood out of her fingers? Plot hole.

Starkwell: You think that’s a plot hole?  You thought the stock footage in ‘Hell of the Living Dead’ added an element of realism, and you’re calling this a plot hole?

Lovelock: It’s different.  What? Shut up.

[...]

[The movie started to slow down a bit, but then zombies started coming out of nowhere.]

Starkwell: Considering the title, this movie seems to be lacking in the plague department, as well as the zom-

Lovelock: ZOMBIE!  BEST MOVIE EVER!

Starkwell: It doesn’t take much with you, does it?

[...]

[Clive's henchmen go after Doctor Mustache.]

Starkwell: I liked the henchmen better when they had their snazzy red coats on, instead of being dressed like rejects from the 'Swashbuckler' set.

Lovelock: Those candles provide an awful lot of light.  Plot hole.

Starkwell: I’m starting to wonder if you really know what that means.  This plot is tight.  Except for the Haitian bongo players, I’m not sure how he would have gotten them past customs.

[...]

[The entire room is on fire, Doctor Mustache manages to make it worse.  Clive comes in with a knife.  Peter is tied up.]

Lovelock: Sir James is great at solving puzzles, not so great at putting out fires.

Starkwell: Peter sucks with knots.

Lovelock: Clive Hamilton might be the worst knife fighter I’ve ever seen.  But he wields a boulder like a champ, wait, scratch that.

[...]

During the credits, Lionel Lovelock and Allen Starkwell were doing jump kicks and playing air guitar.  The credits were short, so it was a rather short display of rocking, but I’m pretty sure it signified that the movie was a success. Well, in my mind, anyways.