Zombies of Mass Destruction.

“Zombies of Mass Destruction” might be the dumbest movie title that I have heard in a long time.  On top of that, the box for this 2009 zombie entry displays a quote that makes a comparison to “Shaun of the Dead”, which only raises the bar much higher than this film can likely go.  Luckily, Lovelock and Starkwell never judge books by their covers, and sit patiently waiting for me to play the damn movie.

[...]

[Blind guy pokes a beached zombie and gets eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never poke things with my blind guy walking stick.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

As the not-so-subtle political agenda of the film unfolds in a rather 'in your face' fashion, Starkwell can’t help but notice the above average quality of the dialogue and acting.  Lovelock is just writing down a list of characters he can’t wait to see get killed.  It’s already a fairly long list.

[...]

[Tom’s Mom was bitten earlier that day.]

Starkwell: Well, don’t get too attached to the mom…

Lovelock: Thankfully!  She was definitely already on my short list.

[...]

Lovelock was about to write ‘Singer-Songwriter Boyfriend Guy named Derek’ on his list a SECOND time, but then he was eaten REAL HARD and Lovelock’s list burst into confetti.

[...]

[Mom’s eyeball pops out and she eats it.]

Starkwell: That eyeball gag felt a bit forced.

Lovelock: 'Forced eyeball gag' trumps 'no eyeball gag'.  Film one, Starkwell zero.

[...]

[White Trash Dad interrogates and tortures Iranian-American Frida because he thinks she is a terrorist.]

Starkwell: Wait… he’s originally from Canada?

Lovelock: That a Canadian would behave like that might be the most unrealistic part of this movie so far.

[...]

Zombie mayhem continued and our heroes (the gay couple) end up stuck in the church with nutty people.  Pastor Crazybrain gives a sermon to a few crusty old people on how liberal pro-choice homos brought on Judgement Day.  Lovelock and Starkwell weren’t sure whether to laugh, cry, or ask for fast forward to be pressed.  Somewhere in between Tom and Lance escaping the Church’s De-Gaying machine, Mayor Zombie eating Pastor Crazybrain and the Pacifist Teacher Lady becoming trigger happy, I distinctly heard Starkwell ask “are we there yet?”

[...]

[National Guard comes, quarantine ends, life is normal again.]

Starkwell: That is the worst looking soldier I’ve ever seen.  Why did they put “29 Weeks Later”?

Lovelock: I know.  It kind of makes the whole movie feel like a Weird Al song.

Starkwell: The villagers aren't really making a very big deal out of the fact that it’s all over and done…

Lovelock: Oh, I don’t know, I mean, they made t-shirts…

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock found this movie to be perfectly adequate.  That is all.  Better than most, much worse than lots, fairly okay in general.

Messiah of Evil.

Not much for me to say about this except that the writer/director husband/wife team of Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz went on to write “American Graffiti”, “Best Defense”, “Temple of Doom” and “Howard the Duck”.  While Lovelock is already wondering whether or not this film will also have featured duck boobies, Starkwell is intrigued by the eclectic omelet of seemingly capable writing that the couple has done, and looks forward to this early egg.  All thanks to Mill Creek’s never ending supply of 50 in 1 movie packs!

[...]

[Opening scene is totally confusing, and with horrifying music.]

Starkwell: Do you think the music is meant to scare us?

Lovelock: What is that guy shooting at?

Starkwell: Why isn’t she scared?

Lovelock: Is that the screaming girl from the hallway?

[...]

I had to stop writing down the conversation at this point, because hey just kept asking questions to which there were no clear answers.

[...]

[Gas Station attendant dies.]

Starkwell: Wait, what happened?

Lovelock: It looks like the lights went out and he tripped and fell into some red paint.

[...]

After that brief interlude of implied carnage and bright red blood, they resumed asking questions incessantly.  Here are some that stuck out.

[...]

Starkwell: Who stuffs their dog?

[...]

Lovelock: Was that old lady slipping that guy some skin?

[...]

Starkwell: Does she always wear the same thing, or is this the same day?

Lovelock: Maybe she's a super hero?

Starkwell: What's her super power?

Lovelock: Makes any scene boring.

[...]

Lovelock: What exactly is she rubbing on them ol’ boobies?

[...]

The more the questions started piling up, the more the film started to creep them out… in a way.  There’s something eerie about anything that raises this many questions.  They then started to think, nay worry, that the awkward cuts and nonsensical plot development were actually part of some sort of deliberate game, meant to mess with their heads.  They continued to ask questions, but they began to take on a much more sinister and paranoid tone.

[...]

[Main Character lets Tom and the Naked Harem stay at her father’s insane arty boathouse thing.]

Starkwell: Why would she just let them stay there?

Lovelock: Why would she stay there?

Starkwell: 'Messiah of Evil', what are you doing to us?!?!??!

[...]

Then there was the most ridiculously awkward “seduction” scene, where Peeping Tom hugs the main character while she wears a flesh tone outfit.  Numerous times, both Starkwell and Lovelock made comments about how the music never makes any sense, and mostly just makes them feel uncomfortable and stressed.  Then Starkwell wondered if that was the point, and Lovelock’s mind was blown.

[...]

[Creepy Albino guy eats a rat.]

Starkwell: Seems like a logical choice.

Lovelock: Do you mean for the Albino character, or for the progression of the story?

Starkwell: Both.  Also, neither.

[...]

Then there was a grocery store scene that involved a mob of zombies, a girl being eaten, and, well, jazz fusion.  It ended abruptly and cut to, as usual with this fucking movie, a shot of the ocean.  The movie started to get weirder, and make even less sense, and I believe Lovelock said “I’m FREAKING OUT, MAN!!!!!!” and ran out of the room.  He ran back in when he heard Starkwell say “Nice hat!” out loud.  He ran back out again when the main character's monologues started up again.

[...]

[Girl goes to the movies, theatre slowly fills up with zombies.]

Starkwell: I kind of wish we were watching the Western that she is watching.

Lovelock: Aw, just fucking eat her already!

Starkwell: You’re back?

Lovelock: Hooray!  They ate her!

Starkwell: Wait, did they eat her, or did she just get ketchup on her hand?

Lovelock: The screaming face shots suggest death, but the background music screams interpretive dance.

[...]

Then the movie got even weirder, and more incoherent, and Starkwell and Lovelock both looked legitimately terrified.  I don’t know if they are scared of the film’s content, or just the film itself.  It’s a subtle distinction, but an important one.  When I asked them which it was, they just told me that I wouldn’t understand and to make it stop.  Then there was a cowboy flashback scene narrated by the girl’s zombie father, and Lovelock started crying.  Zombie Father then tried to eat his Daughter and Starkwell closed his eyes and covered his ears.  But, this was mostly because the soundtrack was about as irritating as sandpaper to the testicles.

[...]

Starkwell: What part did you hate the most?

Lovelock: When she threw up bugs and lizards… you?

Starkwell: Oh good one… I’d say Homeless Guy Monologue scene.

[...]

The movie ended and, believe it or not, it got even more nonsensical.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock just sat there, passionately hating this movie.  In a way, this movie is amazing, surreal, inventive and ahead of it’s time.  In another more accurate way, it’s a complete turd.  Flush.

Dead Snow.

It’s not often that I get the chance to have a look at what Norwegian horror cinema is all about.  So, given the opportunity to show 2009’s “Dead Snow” to Lovelock and Starkwell, needless to say, I jumped at the aforementioned opportunity.  Along with “Outpost”, this is one of the fewer recent Nazi Zombie movies that I can think of, and promises to be a lot of fun, even if Lovelock is already complaining about the subtitles, before we’ve even hit play.

[...]

[Girl runs through snowy woods, away from some kind of monster.]

Starkwell: It’s been a while since I’ve seen a good Day for Night shot.

Lovelock: Shhhh… The Nazis are trying to have a meal.

[...]

There was a scene where the characters were talking about horror films, which sparked a debate between Starkwell and Lovelock about whether or not it is okay to directly reference films inside a film.  I honestly don’t know who won, or who was on which side, but at one point someone said that “the minute you reference something, you open yourself up to comparison and that can barely ever be good for you.”

[...]

[Blondie sees something in the woods, creepy old guy tells them Nazi story.]

Lovelock: [nervous fart…………]

Starkwell: This film manages to mix together so many terrifying things.  Night time, the woods, snow and cold, Nazis, zombies and all set in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Even the language sounds creepy.

Lovelock: Seriously, it sounds like a backwards record.  That’s how monsters sound in my nightmares.

[...]

[Guys race down hill on a GT Snow Racer.]

Lovelock: I hated the GT Snow Racer kids.  Where’s the challenge when you can steer like that?

Starkwell: Tobogganing is supposed to be a challenge?

Lovelock: You wouldn’t understand. 

[...]

[Guy follows footprints and falls into a pit.]

Lovelock: That’s why when I see bloody footprints leading away from a dead body, I don’t follow them.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why. 

[...]

[Girl follows Fat Dude into the outhouse and screws him.]

Starkwell: He just finished wiping his ass and she hops on for a ride?

Lovelock: I feel nauseous.

[After the hump, she falls into the shit hole.  Lovelock pukes.]

[...]

Then the horror action picked up at top speed.  I think at one point after Fat Dude’s head was ripped in half, Lovelock said “That’s what I’m talking about!” Once the Nazi Zombies started making their fully lit daytime appearances, and the characters began squaring off with them, there was little for Starkwell and Lovelock to do except sit and marvel at the impressively horrifying Nazi zombies, the massive amounts of gore, and the remarkably effective use of color.

[...]

Starkwell: Something else scary to add to the list… buried alive.

[...]

[Montage of zombie kills.]

Starkwell: Interesting musical choice.

Lovelock: Maybe this is the Norwegian version of “Takin’ Care of Business”.

[...]

Do they reference famous films? Yes.  Is it worthy to make those references? Absolutely it is.  I feel like people will reference this movie in twenty years.  Lovelock and Starkwell have both agreed that the Nazi Zombie genre is alive and well, at least for the length of this glorious film.  Also, when the ending credits started, I think that Lovelock’s head full exploded.

Return of the Living Dead.

John Russo who was behind the original Night of the Living Dead, along with Romero obviously, apparently had the right to use the “living dead” moniker however he saw fit.  In 1985, he decided to use said moniker in his story turned movie “Return of the Living Dead”.  Dan O’Bannon, yes THE Dan O’Bannon, was brought in to write the script and direct, and the result was a horror comedy the likes of which had never been seen!  And now it’s time for Starkwell and Lovelock to see it!  NOW!!!!!

[...]

[Film says the film is based on true events.]

Lovelock: Wow.  The ‘80s really were a magical time.

[...]

It is evident right away that the Dan O’Bannon magic is in full effect, and that the acting is top notch.  Lovelock was so excited he let out an accidental fart.

[...]

[Old Guy slams Trioxin container and it leaks.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never slap the side of Conspiracy Containers.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why. ... Wait, what's a Conspiracy Container.

Lovelock: A barrel full of secret stuff and mystery that the government wants to hide... duh.

[...]

The movie is full of hilariously over the top army people, 1980s style anarchy goth punks, and synth music.  Then dead things started coming to life and Starkwell and Lovelock sat at the edge of their seat, smiling and laughing, thoroughly engaged.

[...]

[Punk girl strips.]

Starkwell: Why would she strip?

Lovelock: To stick it to the man?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: So that the movie could feature boobies?

Starkwell: Bingo.

Lovelock: Even Dan O’Bannon can't escape the '80s gratuitous booby movement.

[...]

After the frantic and funny fight with the first zombie, Starkwell agreed to forgive O’Bannon for the gratuitous female nudity.  The zombie was running, which, at the time must have been pretty original, and sacrilegious, for any Romero purists.  Starkwell and Lovelock don’t seem to have any problem with it.

[...]

[Embalmer pulls out a pistol.]

Starkwell: Why would the guy working at the mortuary have a gun?

Lovelock: Apparently, one reason would be to kill rabid weasels out in the parking lot.

[...]

[Toxic rain covers the graveyard, punks flee the scene.]

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t she take her clothes?

Lovelock: So that they can continue to show her boobies.

Starkwell: Yeah, I’m mad at O’Bannon again.

[She eventually covers her top partially, but continues to parade around with no pants.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: I feel like wearing a top with not bottom only accentuates the bottom's nudity.

Starkwell: ...

[...]

[TARMAN makes his appearance.]

Starkwell: Holy shit that’s an impressive make up job.

Lovelock: Shut up RIGHT NOW, until I tell you it’s ok to speak again.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock were quiet for a while as the story progressed into a frenzy of fast moving zombies and a motley crew of panicky people stuck in a mortuary.

[...]

[Zombies can talk, apparently, and use the ambulance radio to communicate with dispatch.]

Starkwell: I’m not sure how I feel about that…

Lovelock: I don’t remember saying that you could talk yet.

[...]

There was a scene where two paramedics show up and get swarmed INSTANTANEOUSLY.  They made me rewind it five or six times.  In fact, there were so many amazing shots that they wanted to re-watch that I had to hide the remote, or it would have taken three hours to get through this thing.

[...]

[Naked girl returns as a zombie.]

Starkwell: Fucking COME ON.  There is no reason for her to be naked.

Lovelock: Dude, we’ve been over this.  It is for the inclusion of film boobies.

[...]

The rest of the movie moves fast.  It succeeds on every level.  When it wants to be funny, it’s funny.  When it tries to scare, it delivers.  When it wants to gross out, it does so magnificently well.  Starkwell actually admit to liking the characters.  Well, except the naked girl.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock want to watch the many sequels that this film spawned.  I guess I will let them find out for themselves that none of the follow-ups come anywhere close to this film’s quality and charm.  Sure, we could have done without the gratuitous boobs, but if that’s the movie’s one major flaw, we’re doing just fine.

I Am Legend.

Unless you count the mockbuster “I Am Omega”, then 2007’s “I Am Legend” is the third and most recent adaptation of the Richard Matheson novel.  This one stars the Fresh Prince and was directed by the director of Britney Spears’ “Slave 4 U” and J. Lo’s “Waiting for Tonight”.  So OBVIOUSLY I’m expecting that Lovelock and Starkwell will like it as much as they did the Vincent Price version from the ‘60s.

[...]

[Three years after the cure for cancer is found, NYC is a deserted wasteland.]

Lovelock: Man, they cured cancer, AND got rid of traffic?

Starkwell: No, dude, I think that humanity was wiped out by some kind of plague.

Lovelock: Fair enough, but it still means no traffic.

[...]

[Neville waits for survivors, plays golf off of an aircraft carrier.]

Lovelock: Doesn’t seem like such a bad life.

Starkwell: He’s completely alone, all the time.

Lovelock: What about that cute girl in the video store?

Starkwell: The mannequin?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

[Puppy runs into building, Neville has to go in after him, and sees monsters.]

Lovelock: That’s why they have leash laws.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

The infected seem to be SUPER RABID EXTREME TO THE MAX, also entirely computer animated, which kind of, well, sucks.  Starkwell and Lovelock talked at great lengths about the differences between this film’s infected and those of the earlier adaptations.  They also wouldn’t shut up about how cute the doggy is.  Seriously, did you see when they show him as a puppy??!!?! Come on! It’s totally insane.

[...]

[Doggy gets bit by zombie dogs.]

Lovelock: I thought I couldn’t possibly hate zombie dogs any more then I already did, but they just took our puppy away.

Starkwell: Man, fuck this fucking movie.

[...]

[Neville wakes up, “Shrek” is playing.]

Lovelock: I hate when they show real movies inside of a movie.  It feels wrong.

Starkwell: It’s like product placement.

Lovelock: Imagine if in one movie, they show a scene from another movie, and in that scene, there’s product placement in it.

Starkwell: I’d rather not.

[...]

[Neville gives a Bob Marley lesson to Survivor Girl.]

Lovelock: Do you think if they cast a white guy as Neville they would have used Bob Dylan instead of Bob Marley?

Starkwell: Should we be talking about this?

[...]

[Survivor’s camp in Vermont.]

Lovelock: Vermont is beautiful.

Starkwell: Yeah, zombie plague or not, look at the foliage!

[...]

Although I am sure that faithfulness to the book is thoroughly lacking, Starkwell and Lovelock both agreed that the film did what it set out to do.  I personally think that they would have liked it more if the dog hadn’t died.  Lovelock claims that he had recently been cutting an onion, but I know those were puppy death induced tears.

Zombi 2.

“Zombi 2”, or “Zombie”, or “Zombie Flesh Eaters”…  Whatever you should choose to call it, you must certainly call it amazing.  Lucio Fulci’s original undead splatter fest was often imitated, never duplicated.  Although made to cash in on the popularity of Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead”, “Zombi 2” ended up being something so much more than a coat tail riding blood soaked exploitation spectacular.  Well, it still is a coat tail riding blood soaked exploitation spectacular, but it’s such a good one!  This DVD from Shriek show has a second disc full of special features.  I know I’ll never actually watch them, but it’s nice to know that they are there.  After Lovelock and Starkwell enthusiastic reception of Fulci’s “The Beyond”, I’m curious to see what they will have to say about this one.

[...]

[Body Bag sits up, shot in head.]

Lovelock: I think I’m already in love.

Starkwell: You're sort of easy...

[...]

[Cops board sailboat, cop is eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never board an abandoned sailboat.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well that and the pirate potential.

[...]

After the incredible intro scenes, the movie slows down a little as we are introduced to the characters more, and find out that West, the reporter, and Anne, the doctor’s daughter, are traveling to the islands to find out just what happened to her father.  Starkwell appreciated the character and plot development, I believe Lovelock said “I should be bored, but for some reason I’m not.”

[...]

[Then they randomly stop the boat so that Susan can scuba and photograph stuff underwater.  Naked.]

Starkwell: Why in the hell would she scuba dive naked?

Lovelock: She’s not naked.  She’s wearing one of those old fashioned bathing caps with the flowers.

[...]

Then a shark goes after Susan, but wait, that’s no shark.  It’s a zombie shark.  Then there’s an underwater zombie that attacks her.  Then, there is a zombie vs. shark fight, filmed with a real shark, and, honestly, quite possibly a real zombie.  Starkwell and Lovelock high fived and played air guitar.  This continued until it randomly cut to a scene of The Scientist’s Wife showering (with several mirrors placed around the shower, presumably so that we can see both her front and back simultaneously) with a zombie outside her window.  At this point, they stopped and resumed paying attention to the film.

[...]

[THE GREATEST EYEBALL GAG EVER FILMED.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: Why don’t they do that in every movie?

Starkwell: You mean every zombie movie?

Lovelock: No. Every movie.  Imagine how it would improve any movie.

Starkwell: You can’t have that in any movie…

Lovelock: Name a movie.

Starkwell: I don’t know… “The Horse Whisperer.”

Lovelock: ScarJo flies off the horse, and when Redford tries to catch her, she accidentally jams a screwdriver into his eye.  BAM! He wears an eye patch the rest of the film.  Totally improved.

Starkwell: Wait why would she be riding a horse with a screwdriver in her hand?

Lovelock: Look, do you want the movie to make sense, or do you want it to be better?

[...]

As the movie presses onwards at a deliberate pace and more is explained, we find out through flashbacks what the opening scene was all about.  Lovelock said it’s “even better the second time”.  Starkwell is noticing that the film manages to sprinkle a little bit of everything into the mix and that “if zombie movies were bagels, this movie would be an EVERYTHING BAGEL”, whatever that means…  Then they showed a group of zombies feasting on Eyeball Gag Girl and I think Lovelock wept a little.  Tears of joy, of course.

[...]

[Peter and Anne make out, in the dirt.]

Starkwell: So all of what they just saw put them in the mood?

Lovelock: Well-

[Zombies pop out of the ground all around them and grab them.]

Starkwell: Holy shit, those are real maggots!

Lovelock: I just got a boner.

[...]

As the zombie horde closed in on them, bunkered down in the church, one couldn’t help but notice how disgustingly scary Fulci’s zombies are.

[...]

[Zombie bites off Science Man’s face.]

Lovelock: Not much meat on the face… Kind of a dumb zombie if you ask me.

Starkwell: No one asked you.  Ever.

[...]

[Brian kills zombies.]

Starkwell: So wait, he shoots one in the chest, and then realizes that only a head shot kills them, but then makes the same mistake three or four more times?  Just shoot them in the fucking head, Brian!

Lovelock: Seriously.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me three times, go ahead and eat the girl I’m trying to save.

Starkwell: It hardly seems fair that she pays for his inability to learn…

[...]

[Zombies have overrun New York City.]

Starkwell: Why would there still be so much traffic on the bridge if the zombies are everywhere?

Lovelock: Look Fulci’s awesome, but I doubt he could get them to shut down the bridge just for that one shot.

Starkwell: Regardless, it’s still an amazing shot.

Lovelock: Oh shit, THE END!

[...]

Before the credits even finished rolling Lovelock was off in a corner somewhere making “Zombi 2” wallpaper for his bedroom.  Starkwell sat quietly, wanting more.  More Fulci, more McCulloch, more Zombi, more everything.  Unfortunately, we already know that “Zombi 3” won’t deliver the good stuff.