I Am Omega.

There are a handful of mockbuster production companies out there, but arguably the current king is ‘The Asylum’.  “Da Vinci Code” becomes “Da Vinci Treasure”, “Tranformers” turn “Transmorphers”, hell even “Battle: Los Angeles” becomes “Battle of Los Angeles”.  The whole point is to trick the casual movie renter into thinking that they are renting the ACTUAL blockbuster, when in fact, they are getting the mockbuster.   I know a few people that ended up with the wrong ‘Sherlock Holmes’.  Netflix doesn’t help much.  So here is “I Am Omega”, their take on “I Am Legend” with a dash of the Heston adaptation of Matheson’s book “Omega Man” thrown in for good measure.  Get ready for the shit show boys.

[...]

[Dream sequence flashback of an ugly kid with a Mop Top witnessing his mom die a zombie death and then being grabbed… it is unclear if the child is his own, or if it is him as a child.  A later flashback shows that it was his son.]

Lovelock: Oh thank goodness it was just a dream… or waiiiiiit it was a flashback dream!

Starkwell: Is that the guy from “Iron Chef America”?

Lovelock: I’m starting to think he’s not really the Chairman’s Nephew.  Plus, he speaks English just fine!

Starkwell: If he had any actual cooking skills Iron Chef style, it would come in handy in a post-apocalyptic society.

Lovelock: If he’s trying too look like a bad ass, the fluffy robe and socks were a poor choice.

[...]

[Training montage.]

Starkwell: Who would fight zombies with a bo-staff and/or nunchuks?

Lovelock: Donatello and Michaelangelo?

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: The Chairman’s Nephew?

Starkwell: Yeah… The secret ingredient is bullshit.

[...]

After the laughter died down from the Chairman’s Nephew’s pristine roundhouse air kicks, Starkwell and Lovelock got bored.  Real bored.  And no amount of guys in rubber zombie suits would be able to change that.  Every now and then it fades to black like it’s going to cut to commercials.  Lovelock says “I could go for a commercial right about now”.

[...]

Lovelock: “I Am Omega”? More like “I Am Often Out of Focus”.

Starkwell: Not bad.

Lovelock: More like “I Am Bored”?

Starkwell: Better.

Lovelock: “I Am Taking Forever to Go Anywhere”?

Starkwell: Yeah, I think that’s the one.

[...]

The film oozed onwards, and it wasn’t so bad, I suppose.  But then he meets up with this girl, and it gets worse and worse and worse.  Then there are the token ‘redneck assholes’ and it gets worse and worse and worse.  It’s definitely not a total rip-off of any of the Matheson adaptations… nor is it original or any good at all.  If ever there is such a thing as a cookie cutter post-apocalyptic zombie story starring one guy, this is it, and it sucks.

[...]

[Chairman’s Nephew whips out nunchuks.]

Lovelock: Michaelangelo is a party dude…

Starkwell: … ? …

Lovelock: PARTAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!

[...]

[Chairman’s Nephew uses large pipe like bo-staff.]

Starkwell: Well I’ll be damned, he used both.

Lovelock: Donatello does machines.

[...]

The film wraps up, the city explodes, and Chairman’s Nephew gets the girl.  Hooray? Hardly.


[...]

Lovelock: A LA CUISINE!

I Am Legend.

Unless you count the mockbuster “I Am Omega”, then 2007’s “I Am Legend” is the third and most recent adaptation of the Richard Matheson novel.  This one stars the Fresh Prince and was directed by the director of Britney Spears’ “Slave 4 U” and J. Lo’s “Waiting for Tonight”.  So OBVIOUSLY I’m expecting that Lovelock and Starkwell will like it as much as they did the Vincent Price version from the ‘60s.

[...]

[Three years after the cure for cancer is found, NYC is a deserted wasteland.]

Lovelock: Man, they cured cancer, AND got rid of traffic?

Starkwell: No, dude, I think that humanity was wiped out by some kind of plague.

Lovelock: Fair enough, but it still means no traffic.

[...]

[Neville waits for survivors, plays golf off of an aircraft carrier.]

Lovelock: Doesn’t seem like such a bad life.

Starkwell: He’s completely alone, all the time.

Lovelock: What about that cute girl in the video store?

Starkwell: The mannequin?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

[Puppy runs into building, Neville has to go in after him, and sees monsters.]

Lovelock: That’s why they have leash laws.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

The infected seem to be SUPER RABID EXTREME TO THE MAX, also entirely computer animated, which kind of, well, sucks.  Starkwell and Lovelock talked at great lengths about the differences between this film’s infected and those of the earlier adaptations.  They also wouldn’t shut up about how cute the doggy is.  Seriously, did you see when they show him as a puppy??!!?! Come on! It’s totally insane.

[...]

[Doggy gets bit by zombie dogs.]

Lovelock: I thought I couldn’t possibly hate zombie dogs any more then I already did, but they just took our puppy away.

Starkwell: Man, fuck this fucking movie.

[...]

[Neville wakes up, “Shrek” is playing.]

Lovelock: I hate when they show real movies inside of a movie.  It feels wrong.

Starkwell: It’s like product placement.

Lovelock: Imagine if in one movie, they show a scene from another movie, and in that scene, there’s product placement in it.

Starkwell: I’d rather not.

[...]

[Neville gives a Bob Marley lesson to Survivor Girl.]

Lovelock: Do you think if they cast a white guy as Neville they would have used Bob Dylan instead of Bob Marley?

Starkwell: Should we be talking about this?

[...]

[Survivor’s camp in Vermont.]

Lovelock: Vermont is beautiful.

Starkwell: Yeah, zombie plague or not, look at the foliage!

[...]

Although I am sure that faithfulness to the book is thoroughly lacking, Starkwell and Lovelock both agreed that the film did what it set out to do.  I personally think that they would have liked it more if the dog hadn’t died.  Lovelock claims that he had recently been cutting an onion, but I know those were puppy death induced tears.

The Last Man on Earth.

There have been three adaptations of Richard Matheson’s novel “I Am Legend”.  The first of these was a 1964 Vincent Price vehicle, entitled “The Last Man on Earth”.  Apparently an influence on the Romero classic “Night of the Living Dead”, Price’s star power alone should be enough to get some good interest from Starkwell and Lovelock.  The DVD is a beautiful looking MGM release.

[...]

[Dr. Morgan finds a dead body then has a cup of tea.]

Starkwell: Wait, what does he need garlic for?  Is this a zombie movie or a vampire movie?

Lovelock: I think it’s up to us to decide.

Starkwell: Is that a wooden stake?

Lovelock: Maybe he’s making a table…

[...]

Their discussion about vampire vs. zombie went on a little longer, but eventually shut up when they realized how cool Vincent Price is, and decided, “Who really cares?” From now on I will refer to them as zombies.

[...]

Lovelock: If I was the last man on earth, I don’t think I would have such a finely groomed mustache.

[...]

[Morgan puts on some jazz and gets drunk.]

Lovelock: My kind of party.

Starkwell: Drinking alone with creepy zombies calling out your name all night?

Lovelock: It beats what we’re doing.

[...]

[Morgan falls asleep in a church, wakes up after dark, when the zombies come out.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never sleep at church.

Starkwell: You don’t even go to church.

Lovelock: You're right.  That's why I never go to church.

Starkwell: Sure.  That's why.

[...]

The way the zombies shuffle around the house slowly, you can see what kind of influence this had on Romero.  Starkwell and Lovelock are captivated.  It would seem that Matheson himself had a hand in the script, but changed his name in the credits when dissatisfied with the finished product.  So far, as Starkwell has said, “I don’t see why.” It probably makes more sense if you've read the book.

[...]

[Morgan watches home video of his family, now deceased.]

Lovelock: Why is he laughing… oh… wait… never mind.

Starkwell: That is, without a doubt, the BEST laugh-to-cry ever filmed.

[...]

[Very long flashback sequence that shows the beginning of the end.]

Starkwell: Did they have to pick a kid with such an annoying voice and lack of teeth?

Lovelock: Don’t worry.  She won’t be around much longer.

Starkwell: Dude… harsh.

Lovelock: She gets to miss school?  You think she’s fakin’?

Starkwell: Alright, that’s definitely enough about the kid.

[...]

The black and white shots of bodies being thrown into the pit of fire are disturbingly effective, the slow progression of his wife and daughter's illness is terrifying, and as Lovelock puts it, Vincent Price “sells every shot, HARD.”

[...]

Lovelock: If I was the last man on earth, I would not wear such perfectly pleated pants and sweater vests.

[...]

[Morgan sees a live dog.]

Lovelock: MMMmmmmmm dinner!

Starkwell: I don’t think that’s why he’s excited.

[...]

[Morgan sees a girl.]

Lovelock: MMMmmmm dinner!

Starkwell: Again, not sure if that's why he's excited.

Lovelock: It should be.

Starkwell: She seems pretty nonchalant, just out for a leisurely stroll, sometime after the apocalypse.

Lovelock: The sixties were a simpler time.

Starkwell: I’m not sure what that means. 

Lovelock: I’m wondering where she got the tweed skirt and makeup after the apocalypse.

[...]

[Morgan shoves garlic in her face.]

Lovelock: That’s no way to treat a guest.

Starkwell: Rude.

[...]

[Girl threatens Morgan.]

Lovelock: That’s no way to treat your host.

Starkwell: Rude.

[...]

Twists and turns aplenty, this story kicks ass.  Although the infected are even referred to as vampires, Starkwell and Lovelock have decided beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are, in fact, zombies.  They both noticed that even when Price is playing a nice guy, he is still creepy.  Maybe more creepy.

[...]

[The new world order comes for Morgan.  Morgan heads to the church.]

Lovelock: Well that's dumb.  Nothing good can come from ging to church.

Starkwell: Wait, why are they all dressed in black?

Lovelock: Maybe they’re beatniks.

Starkwell: Maybe this movie has a bit of an agenda.

[...]

The film ends very suddenly, Lovelock and Starkwell applaud.  I can understand why a lot of people point to this as an important film in the genre.  Almost fifty years old, this movie is still stunning.  It helps that Vincent Price is that cool.