Zombies of Mass Destruction.

“Zombies of Mass Destruction” might be the dumbest movie title that I have heard in a long time.  On top of that, the box for this 2009 zombie entry displays a quote that makes a comparison to “Shaun of the Dead”, which only raises the bar much higher than this film can likely go.  Luckily, Lovelock and Starkwell never judge books by their covers, and sit patiently waiting for me to play the damn movie.

[...]

[Blind guy pokes a beached zombie and gets eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never poke things with my blind guy walking stick.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

As the not-so-subtle political agenda of the film unfolds in a rather 'in your face' fashion, Starkwell can’t help but notice the above average quality of the dialogue and acting.  Lovelock is just writing down a list of characters he can’t wait to see get killed.  It’s already a fairly long list.

[...]

[Tom’s Mom was bitten earlier that day.]

Starkwell: Well, don’t get too attached to the mom…

Lovelock: Thankfully!  She was definitely already on my short list.

[...]

Lovelock was about to write ‘Singer-Songwriter Boyfriend Guy named Derek’ on his list a SECOND time, but then he was eaten REAL HARD and Lovelock’s list burst into confetti.

[...]

[Mom’s eyeball pops out and she eats it.]

Starkwell: That eyeball gag felt a bit forced.

Lovelock: 'Forced eyeball gag' trumps 'no eyeball gag'.  Film one, Starkwell zero.

[...]

[White Trash Dad interrogates and tortures Iranian-American Frida because he thinks she is a terrorist.]

Starkwell: Wait… he’s originally from Canada?

Lovelock: That a Canadian would behave like that might be the most unrealistic part of this movie so far.

[...]

Zombie mayhem continued and our heroes (the gay couple) end up stuck in the church with nutty people.  Pastor Crazybrain gives a sermon to a few crusty old people on how liberal pro-choice homos brought on Judgement Day.  Lovelock and Starkwell weren’t sure whether to laugh, cry, or ask for fast forward to be pressed.  Somewhere in between Tom and Lance escaping the Church’s De-Gaying machine, Mayor Zombie eating Pastor Crazybrain and the Pacifist Teacher Lady becoming trigger happy, I distinctly heard Starkwell ask “are we there yet?”

[...]

[National Guard comes, quarantine ends, life is normal again.]

Starkwell: That is the worst looking soldier I’ve ever seen.  Why did they put “29 Weeks Later”?

Lovelock: I know.  It kind of makes the whole movie feel like a Weird Al song.

Starkwell: The villagers aren't really making a very big deal out of the fact that it’s all over and done…

Lovelock: Oh, I don’t know, I mean, they made t-shirts…

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock found this movie to be perfectly adequate.  That is all.  Better than most, much worse than lots, fairly okay in general.

Masters of Horror: Homecoming.

“Masters of Horror” was a relatively short lived television series that produced a mixed bag of shorter horror features helmed by titans of the genre.  In the first season, Joe Dante provided the show with the politically charged anti-war zombie effort entitled “Homecoming”.

[...]

[Ann Coulter type of woman talks on TV show, after having shown that later, she will be killed.]

Starkwell: So Dante isn’t exactly going to be subtle about this.

Lovelock: At least we know that the fictional Ann Coulter is going to get capped in the head.

Starkwell: Yeah, dare to dream.

[...]

Somewhere amidst George W. Bush impersonations on the television, dead soldiers rising from their coffins, and witty dialogue aplenty, I’m pretty sure I heard both Starkwell and Lovelock let out cries of joy.

[...]

Lovelock: Wait why aren’t the zombies eating people?

Starkwell: I think you’re missing the point.

Lovelock: Is the point to make me wish that they would kill more of these assholes?

Starkwell: That is most definitely not the point.

[...]

[Undead soldiers simply want to vote, presumably against the president.]

Lovelock: I am suddenly totally cool with the whole not killing people thing.

Starkwell: The Super Christian Church guy’s flip-flop about the undead soldiers was a nice touch.

[...]

[Flashback to main character shooting his brother.]

Starkwell: Wow, he even found a way to comment on gun control too.

Lovelock: I hope he makes fun of Creationism next.

[...]

As the film wrapped itself up, both Starkwell and Lovelock stood up in applause.  In its short run time, this film accomplished more than most do in twice the time.  Bravo, Joe Dante, and thank you.

Uncle Sam.

Known mostly for "Maniac" or his more recent "Maniac Cop" series of films, William Lustig explores a similar style with his political statement ‘Uncle Sam’.  This Blue Underground release has all of the usual nice treatments of a Blue Undergound release and opens with a menu that is an exact copy of what is on the front of the box.  No spoilers here.  Let’s find out what they are hiding.

[...]

[Annoying kid wakes up and smashes a picture of his Uncle, named Sam.]

Starkwell: His name is Sam, and he is an Uncle?  How convenient.

Lovelock: Wouldn't be much of a movie if it was called Uncle Peter.

[...]

[Annoying kid's teacher claims to have taught the kid's uncle.  Teacher looks thirty-five.]

Starkwell: Wait, if Uncle Sam was in that guy’s class, wouldn’t that make him like a hundred years old?

Lovelock: He probably just started teaching at a young age.  Like Doogie Howser.

[...]

Lovelock: Oh man, I really hope Uncle Sam offs the kid.  Soon.

[...]

[Enter Isaac Hayes.]

Lovelock: Black Moses just knocked that scene out of the park.  Hard.

Starkwell: He’s a complicated man.

[...]

[Every death is followed by a cheesy one-liner, being whispered, loudly.  This one involved a head-chopping.]

Starkwell: The one-liners would be more effective if the movie moved a little quicker.

Lovelock: I don’t know, that was a pretty fast cut.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell then sat comfortably watching Uncle Sam off people for seemingly no real reason.  Every now and then Starkwell would express confusion as to which side the director is on.  Lovelock says he clearly just hates everyone.

[...]

[Although it doesn't make him inconspicuous at all, Uncle Sam wears an Uncle Sam costume, complete with mask.]

Starkwell: Clearly they have him parading around in an Uncle Sam costume so they don’t have to pay to have him in the Zombie makeup.

Lovelock: Uh, no, it’s so he can blend in, idiot.

[...]

[Fourth of July celebration, awful band plays.]

Starkwell: Hopefully that’s a real band and they thought that appearing in this movie was their big break.

Lovelock: You think they made it?

[...]

[Re-enter Isaac Hayes.]

Starkwell: Chef is terrible in these scenes… what happened?

Lovelock: Short answer - Scientology.

[...]

[Finally rid of the Uncle Sam costume, Uncle Sam shows his long locks of flowing hair, even though the flashback that they showed at the beginning, showed Uncle Sam with a buzz-cut.]

Starkwell: He grew an awful lot of hair after dying.

Lovelock: It’s to add an element of realism.

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

[Credits begin with 'For Lucio']

Starkwell: For Lucio? That’s a bit presumptuous.

[...]

As the credits rolled, so did Starkwell’s eyes.  Lovelock simply used his hands to make a fart noise.  I think at the end the filmmaker definitely chose a side, but the kid(s) made it hard to be happy about it.