Helldriver.

The Japanese zombie scene is a mixed bag.  It’s mostly not a good mix.  For every “Versus” there are a few “Big Tits Zombies”… Or that one with the swim team where half the movie is softcore lesbian porn... So yeah…  Anyways, The bigger issue here is that the film’s run time is about two hours… TWO HOURS!  It’s about a princess and her post-apocalyptic quest to kill her mother the zombie queen, or something like that.  Sounds fun enough.

[...]

[Dude scales a wall, sits atop it, and feeds a severed head to a bunch of zombies.]

Lovelock: Sweet grappling hook.

Starkwell: Is his suit electric?

Lovelock: The Japanese always have blue zombies, for some reason.

[...]

Then, to a soundtrack of gentle Japanese pop, Electric Ninja uses his grappling hook to rip off a bunch of zombie heads and rip off their horns (?) that they all seem to have growing out of their heads, and then falls off the wall and is swarmed by zombies.  Then a pickup truck comes flying in (doing flips and spins) bowls over the zombies and out emerges our heroine (I assume), Kika, wielding a chainsaw and doing pole-dancing moves while severing zombie heads.  Lovelock and Starkwell sit, as confused as these Japanese zombie films usually make them.

[...]

[Flashback to Kika’s past, where her crazy mother and the crazy mother’s crazy boyfriend are trying to kill her, and then an asteroid hits the mother and makes a huge crater in her chest, and then the mother rips out Kika’s heart and puts it in her crater replacing her missing heart, and then they both are covered in glowing gold goo, and shoot black smoke that covers Japan and turns everyone into zombies.]

Starkwell: Ummm…

Lovelock: Well at least the narrator is helping explain it.

Starkwell: Is the mother the girl from “Audition”?

Lovelock: I’ve blocked that film from my memory.

Starkwell: KURI KURI KURI KURI.

[Lovelock drops to the floor, weeping, in the fetal position.]

[...]

Then we see a montage of news footage and whatnot explaining everything.  The weird horn is apparently ground into a powder and used as drugs in this horrible future.  Meanwhile Kika is in a hospital, sleeping for a year, through the apocalypse where, for whatever reason, people eat fried cockroaches and the film makers have decided to show it.

[...]

Starkwell: I think they really fried those roaches!

[Lovelock started to respond, but then vomited mid sentence when the dude started chewing on fried cockroaches mouth open.]

[...]

[Kika wakes up, and is attacked by zombies and some sort of band of marauders, dressed like Klu Klux Klan wizards, then discovers that she has been turned into a cyborg superhero with a chainsaw sword.]

Lovelock: CHAINSAW SWORD!

[...]

The fight goes on for a while, Kika soon realizing that even if you chop off a chainsaw wielding zombie’s arm, that arm will come at you with a chainsaw.  She saves two dudes, we’ll call them Hat Guy and Video Game Character, who then take her with them back to some drug kingpins that they are apparently selling horns to.  Hat Guy also apparently rescues orphans (?).

[...]

[Kika has a nightmare about her past with her mother, and then, in the present, the mother breaks out of her golden glowing cocoon to reveal that she is a super zombie.  The Queen zombie, if you will.]

Lovelock: Is that a giant chicken foot wrapped around her head?

Starkwell: I don’t know, but it’s kind of gross.

[...]

So amidst the whole “Kika wants to get revenge on her now Zombie Queen mom” storyline, there is also a larger plot wherein some rogue government dude wants to overthrow the president and launch a plan to exterminate all of the zombies.  This plan includes using Kika as the weapon that she was designed to be.  THE ULTIMATE ZOMBIE KILLER.

[...]

Lovelock: I’m not sure who the good guys or bad guys are in the government, I just know that I want Kika to kill Zombie Mom.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[President gives a speech, Rogue Diplomat Guy blows a whole in the wall and President is eaten.]

[...]

One thing is certain… the movie doesn’t skimp on blood and gore.  It’s fucking everywhere.  There’s a decent mix of CG and old school, making it pretty over the top and insane.  But in a good way.

[...]

[The opening credits start rolling, fifty minutes into the two hour film.]

Lovelock: I’m confused.

Starkwell: There’s still over an hour left? DA FUCK.

[...]

The Rogue government guy has declared himself the new Prime Minister, and for some reason, now wears a military outfit and has a Hitler mustache.  Kika, Hat Guy, Video Game Character and the Drug Dealers have all been recruited to head into the zombie territory to find the queen.

[...]

[The group is attacked by a few hundred zombie heads being launched at them.]

Lovelock: Well that’s new.

[One severed zombie head bites drug dealer girl in the crotch.]

Lovelock: Well, that’s unnecessary.

Starkwell: The movie was doing so well avoiding that kind of thing too.

[Hat Guy, Video Game Character and Kika survive, saved by a Cowboy, that they just ran into… somehow.]

Lovelock: Right.  A Cowboy.

[...]

[A zombie feeds on a bouquet of severed penises.]

Lovelock: And just like that, they lower THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE.

Starkwell: First crotch bite, now penis bouquet?  Shit is weak.

[Cut to a zombie bar, zombies doing “Thriller” dance.]

Lovelock: Houston, we have a problem.

Starkwell: What is happening?

Lovelock: Absolute nosedive.

[School Girl has her shirt ripped open, zombie bites her bare breasts for a little while, and then she is held down while she squirts blood out of her nips like a firehose, as her breast are milked by the surrounding zombies.]

Starkwell: And, that’s my cue to leave.

Lovelock: What is going on!??!?!

[Only in Japan.]

[...]

There really is a strange split.  It feels like two different films, the one before the credits in the middle, and the one after.  Even the special effects seem to have gotten worse.  Why would a shotgun blast make their heads blow up in a little burst of flames?

[...]

Lovelock: Wait, is the firehose nipple girl a spider zombie now?

[...]

The next half hour was basically non-stop action, for better or for worse.  There was a zombie baby, naked spider girl zombie fighting with a fork, a zombie car made out of zombies, a zombie getting chainsaw sword up the ass for like two minutes, and eventually, Hat Guy yelling BANZAI as he “kamikazes” himself off of a cliff.

[...]

Lovelock: How is there still another twenty five fucking minutes?

[...]

[Zombie Mom sits atop a Colossus Giant made out of zombies.]

Lovelock: Guh?

[...]

They fire a missile at it, it partially explodes, but then the chicken foot alien creature sitting atop Zombie Mom’s head starts conducting the zombies like a symphony.  Then the Giant Thing catches the next two missiles and uses them like jet engines and turns into a huge plane made out of zombies.  Lovelock’s brain breaks.  He was trying to say something, but it was just coming out as a series of confused grunts.

[...]

Lovelock: I think it’s safe to say that I am completely desensitized to spurting blood at this point.

[...]

Definitely WAY too long, but if you go in knowing that it’s just a nonsense ride of zany insanity, you’ll come out pleased as Lovelock did.  Or you’ll leave long before it’s over, as Starkwell did.

Extinction.

After trying to make Netflix start this movie TWICE and having it somehow exit to the Blu-Ray player’s home screen both times, the movie actually started playing on the third attempt.  If ever there was a sign that the Universe is telling us not to bother with a film… But, Starkwell and Lovelock are dedicated, and decide to press on.  The film has a long running time which obviously has all of us concerned, however, at the very least, within the first five minutes, it’s clear that the production value is above a lot of the garden variety cheap as balls Asylum-esque material that is generally passed off as zombie fare these days.  But again, that doesn’t mean anything yet.  Put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig.  But then again, sometimes pigs are cute.  After a scene of a dude flipping out and saying that everyone is dead, we get the title shot… apparently it’s ACTUALLY called “Extinction: The G.M.O. Chronicles”.  Then the main guy puts a gun to his head and the movie is all “3 DAYS EARLIER”.

[...]

[Dude drives around, zombie mayhem is all around.]

Lovelock: Green zombies?

Stakwell: They look like Lou Ferigno as the Hulk, except rabid.  And not as jacked up.

Lovelock: Ho-ho-ho, greEEeen zombies.

Starkwell: I hate you.

[...]

It’s a German movie, so all of the actors have accents.  It’s not like the film is set in the states either, so it’s strange that the characters would speak English.  But there is decent character development so far, and though the film hints at the fact that it will be pretty slow moving, it hasn’t gotten boring… yet.

[...]

[Main character is hauled up in an old military base, and kills slow “walkers”.  Apparently, there are also “runners”.]

Starkwell: So… absolutely nothing new under the sun?

Lovelock: I don’t know, they spit yellow stuff and have white blood… that’s different.

Starkwell: I guess.  Well, at least it’s competently made.

[You’d be surprised, but COMPETENCE really makes a zombie film stand out in today’s overcrowded market place of mockbusters and turds.]

[...]

[The zombies hibernate at night.]

Starkwell: So it’s just “I Am Legend” with an AM/PM switch?

Lovelock: It’s European.

Starkwell: Huh?

Lovelock: I don’t know, I thought it sounded cool to say.

[...]

[Main Dude, Tom, runs into some other survivors.]

Starkwell: The accents are kind of… WHY WOULD THEY BE SPEAKING ENGLISH?

Lovelock: I’m gladly, since because there ain’t none subtitles.

Starkwell: ...

[The survivors have an American with them.]

Lovelock: There.  There’s a reason for them to be speaking English.

[The survivors, one has been shot, all head back to Tom’s base with him.]

[...]

There are definitely all sorts of weird things going on with the zombies.  There are different types.  Some run, some walk, some hibernate, most can’t move unless they are in light… interesting ideas, but a bit scattered at the moment.  The zombies definitely have varied behavior, and seem to have some reasoning abilities… again… only some of them.  Lovelock and Starkwell are both curious and intrigued to see where this is going.

[...]

[During one of their recon missions they find a survivor guy named Luke, who has apparently survived off of toilet water and toilet paper.]

Starkwell: Nutritious delicious... toilet paper?

Lovelock: It’s not a bad idea… Your shit would wipe your ass on its way out.

Starkwell: ...

[...]

Wait, it turns out they are in the U.S…. ?  Well that just… wait, what?

[...]

Starkwell: Well, I’m gonna say it.  This movie is too fucking long.

[Lovelock, I assume, agrees… since he’s asleep.]

[...]

They’ve collected a bunch more survivors at this point.

[...]

[Toilet paper eating dude gets yellow dust spit in his face by a zombie.]

Starkwell: That looked like pollen… is this a plant thing?

Lovelock: It’s anti-vegetarian.  The plants are fighting back!

Starkwell: So, zombies plus a dash of that M. Night Shamadong movie?

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure that’s not his name.

Starkwell: Like you know?

Lovelock: M. Night Shama… Lamma... Sharbee… Nahgonnaworkherenomore.

[...]

One of the main-ish dudes dies and it drags a bit and Lovelock is all “ah let’s go movie hurry up”.  I don’t blame him for feeling this way.  We’ve had a good ten or so minutes of focusing on the main girl’s slow emotional breakdown, and Tom’s compassionate leadership, and shit.  Maybe more.  It’s hard to tell.  It feels like time is standing still.

[...]

[Interesting turn of events, Tom sees a special queen (?) zombie, that has no eyes and shrieks to call all of her zombie minions.]

Starkwell: Okay, okay, I’ll bite.

Lovelock: This should have happened forty-five minutes ago.  It’s too late for me.

[...]

During the five minute long soccer scene, Lovelock fucked right off.  The film keeps on going… it reminds us all of that Canadian film “Autumn” in that it is quite epic and large in scale, has a fairly interesting story, and takes the time to develop characters.  But much like “Autumn”, it takes an awful long time to really get anywhere and should be way shorter.  Be less movie.  That’s my advice to this movie.  And to “Autumn”, for that matter.

[...]

[They go to find Tom’s sister, she’s a zombie, but somehow her baby is alive.]

Starkwell: Right, because babies don’t need much to survive…

Lovelock: WOAH! Green zombie!

Starkwell: You’re back?

Lovelock: I thought it would be done by now… there’s another twenty minutes left?  Good God…

[...]

Then during a fight with the Hulky green giant zombie, Tom trapped it in a car and blew up the car with his bow and arrow.  Then the group ended up with a creepy priest, and I think they know what’s causing all of this, and then there’s romance and then I don’t know.  The zombies show up at the castle and these are the night kind that are afraid of light and seem to be painted up with the always offensive BLACKFACE, and we are ALL just as confused as ever.  The movie ends with the surviving characters shoving off for Africa... By land?  From the U.S.?  What the... I give up.  And then TWIST, the baby is infected!

[...]

Lovelock: There’s nothing quite like hinting at a sequel that will likely never happen.

Starkwell: Correction - a sequel that will THANKFULLY never happen.

[...]

Harsh.

Versus.

Although a lot of the more recent zombie entries from Japan have left a sour taste in the mouths of Zombie Hall’s two resident aficionados, “Versus” promises to beat the crap out of that sour taste and explode it to infinity and beyond.  Are they ready for “Versus”?  Is anyone ever REALLY ready for “Versus”.  Alright, let’s get this show on the road.

[...]

[Text tells the story of the “Forest of Resurrection”, really fast.]

Lovelock: Hold on… what was that thing about gates?  Wait... go back.

Starkwell: I think it was four hundred and forty-four something…

Lovelock: I saw six-six-six…

Starkwell: Can we do it in slow-mo?

[They went back and read the whole thing.  It still made no sense.]

[...]

Then there’s a swordfight in olden Japan that ends with a dude being cut in half and another dude that looks like Raiden.  And then FLASH FORWARD to present day, and two convicts are running through the woods.  I assume these are the same woods known as… THE “Forest of Resurrection”.

[...]

Starkwell: I’m starting to think the director really likes those spinning shots that circle around people.

Lovelock: Also, he enjoys really dated late nineties music.

[...]

One of the cons is a mega tough guy.  From here on out, Lovelock and Starkwell will refer to him as Stone Face.  Stone Face and his partner meet up with some gangsters that work for the people they work for, and for some reason they’ve brought a girl.

[...]

Starkwell: These guys all follow orders pretty blindly, especially ones that make no sense.  “We are to meet you here, and bring this girl with us.  That is what we are told.”

[Stone Face tells them to let go of the girl, they refuse, so they FIGHT.  One dude gets shot and dies.  Then Mexican Standoff.]

Lovelock: What movie would be complete without a Mexican Standoff?

Starkwell: Most movies.

Lovelock: But check out that spinning camera shot!

[They show a guy with a suitcase in the distance, and then the dead guy gets up and starts attacking.  Stone Face’s partner dies, gets up as a zombie.]

Lovelock: We must all be quiet now, and allow ourselves to play air guitar while we enjoy this scene.

Starkwell: I think I’ll do a roundhouse kick if that’s okay with you.

Lovelock: I accept.

[...]

While they were rocking out to the movie, Stone Face got away, with the girl, and the wacky gangsters set out to find them, deep in THE FOREST OF RESURRECTION.

[...]

[Stone Face puts on a black leather trench coat he found on a dead guy in the woods.  Short guitar solo plays.]

Lovelock: Wait, was that guitar solo just in my brain or… ?? Did you hear that too?

[Stone Face attacks the gangster wearing a vest, then punches the girl in the face.]

Starkwell: Well… that’s one way to make her butt out.

Lovelock: Look out!  Yakuza member Vesty McPonytail is back up!

[...]

One of the gangsters realizes that these woods are where they’ve executed a lot of people, which means, thankfully, many many zombies.  Lovelock said he was so excited that a drop of pee came out.

[...]

[The zombies use guns.  The action is insane.]

Lovelock: It’s everything good that's ever been ever put into a movie put into one movie. WOAH! HE KICKED HIS HEAD OFF!

Starkwell: I don’t know dude, I mean... zombies with guns?

Lovelock: No.  No, I won’t let you take this joy away from me.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.

Starkwell: But, nothing is happening…

Lovelock: Guy.  Everything is happening, and it’s happening fast and hard, and it’s totally bananas.  I like bananas.  Do you like bananas?

[...]

Anyways, outside of random slow-mo shots of Stone Face staring at the girl, the action is pretty relentless.

[...]

Lovelock: Cartwheels are always the best way to dodge machine gun fire.  I really need to learn how to do a cartwheel.

Starkwell: Why?

Lovelock: Dude, you never know.

[...]

[Now we’re introduced to the cops that Stone Face originally escaped from.]

Lovelock: New characters?  Like I wasn’t confused enough?

[Stone Face and The Girl can’t remember anything that happened before they arrived in the woods.]

Starkwell: Well, you’re not alone.  Even the characters IN the movie are confused.

[...]

[The Big Boss shows up, and one of his subordinates tries to ambush him with a new crew of people.]

Lovelock: Where the hell did all of them come from?

Starkwell: From the looks of it, I’d say “The Matrix”.

Lovelock: Boom.

[...]

Big Boss has super powers, he rips the heart out of one guy and takes a bite out of it.  Then he gets all rapey with one of the girls, takes a bite out of her neck and offers her eternal life, like a vampire.  This only further confused Starkwell and Lovelock, as they tried to figure shit out.

[...]

[Dude with CRAZY RED HAIR flies into the screen and wants to fight Stone Face.  Before they start, he knocks the girl out.]

Starkwell: I don’t really get why he would need to knock her out…

Lovelock: In Japan, women come second?

Starkwell: Dude, that was not okay…

[...]

Sometimes when Stone Face does stuff, guitar solos play.  Lovelock claims that the director can read his mind.  Then Big Boss punches through a guys head and Lovelock started to cry a little.  When Starkwell asked him what was up he simply sobbed “I’m just so happy!”

[...]

[Starkwell seems annoyed.]

Starkwell: Basically, we’re watching a cartoon?

[Lovelock seems excited.]

Lovelock: Basically! We’re watching a cartoon!

[...]

Stone Face and Big Boss end up fighting a field somewhere, and Big Boss explains that he needs to sacrifice the girl to open the gates of Hell, basically.  And that he is Stone Face’s brother.  And that he’s been waiting five hundred years for today.

[...]

Starkwell: Stone Face is taking all of this news rather well.

Lovelock: Nothing can shock Stone Face I tells ya… nothing.

[...]

Starkwell: The girl is wearing white… how is she still so clean?  I mean even without the blood and zombies and stuff, just, dirt from the woods?

[...]

Stone Face is resurrected with crazy super powers and then shit gets even more action packed and IN YOUR FACE.  I don’t hear Lovelock complaining.  However, Starkwell keeps rolling his eyes.  I assume that’s not a rave review.

[...]

Starkwell: Basically you could sum up this movie in five minutes.

Lovelock: But then how would you fit in all of the fights?

Starkwell: I’m not too concerned about that.

Lovelock: Well that’s cuz you’re an idiot.

[Stone Face explodes a guy with a huge gun.]

Lovelock: BOOM! Let’s see you work that into your five minute version.

Starkwell: I think you’re missing the point.

Lovelock: I think you’re missing the point.

[...]

Anyways, the movie is way too long, especially when there’s this much slow-motion added in for effect.  They kind of explain everything, but it’s a hot mess, what with the whole flashbacks and flashforwards to some kind of post apocalyptic future society of bald mutant vampires or something.  Comedy, action, melodrama romance, sci-fi… SAMURAI SWORDFIGHT TO THE MAXXXXXX!!!!! Judging by Lovelock’s grin though, I don’t think he has any issue with any of this.  Starkwell, well, that’s a different story.

[...]

Lovelock: I gotta say, that those 99 years were not kind to the forest.

Starkwell: What’s with the “Predator” lights?

[...]

The end.