FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. II (With a Touch of Redbox).

Part Redbox, part Netflix, all unbearable.  I present to you: More recent zombie SHIT.  I feel bad launching an onslaught like this onto Lovelock and Starkwell, but to make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs.  In this case the omelet is documenting their conversations and the eggs are their spirits, brains and patience.  The quality ranges from “could only get through five minutes” to “almost able to watch most of it”. 

[...]

[ The Dead Reborn (2013). ]

Starkwell: Wait… is this just three other movies chopped up into one “anthology”film.

Lovelock: Why is the video quality so bad… it looks as though they filmed a TV showing the film.

[Seriously, the first segment is from The Dead Hate The Living, which they already watched (well they started it and stopped in the middle of it).]

Starkwell: So it’s a new movie, but it is just a mash-up of three other movies that are over ten years old.

Lovelock: PASS.

[Has anyone in the world actually ever watched this thing all the way through?  It’s an hour and forty-five minutes…]

[...]

[ Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection (2012). ]

Lovelock: I thought Herbert West was in this…

Starkwell: No you’re thinking of “Night of the Living Dead: Reanimation”.  This is “Resurrection”.

Lovelock: ToMAYto – toMAHto.

Starkwell: More like tomato and NOT a tomato, because it’s not the same movie.

[They did have to admit that, at the very least, a little more love and care seems to have been put into this one.]

Starkwell: It’s actually quite nicely filmed.

Lovelock: It’s like a really good high school project.

[Obviously it’s not exactly faithful to the original, but at least they try to shove some social commentary in.]

Starkwell: If they took this quality and applied it to an actual original idea, they might have something… but attempting to remake a classic… BOLLOCKS.

Lovelock: Agreed.

[Honestly, if this was anything other than a remake, this would have made it out of unwatchable territory, easily.  It would have just been regularly terrible.  Slow moving, and a touch boring.]

[...]

[ Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation (2012). ]

Starkwell: This is officially the third ‘night of the living dead’ that we have now watched, that is NOT the original, and will now likely abandon LONG before the runtime expires.

Lovelock: I can’t wait to see how long into this one we decide to leave.

Starkwell: I’m guessing not long…

Lovelock: Can we at least wait and see Herbert West?

[Mortician guy kills a zombie and some guy in the cemetery.]

Starkwell: Well, the effects here are definitely on par with the rest of this lot.

[One of the characters was watching “White Zombie” on a laptop.  Starkwell threw up everywhere.  Lovelock has fallen asleep and informed us to wake him when Jeffrey Combs arrives.  We ended up waking him up as the Mortician cracked open a zombie head with a shovel.  Then Combs’ character is introduced.]

Lovelock: Hooray!  And he has a sweet mustache!

[Jeffrey Combs with a mustache is in fact probably the highlight of the film.  Then there’s a really lame Sara Palin joke.  Don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate her guts, but it’s a four year old stale joke, and to spend this much time making fun of her is a huge waste of time (she is 100% irrelevant now).  Starkwell puked again.]

Starkwell: I’ll be back later.

[Lovelock went back to sleep, he eventually woke back up to watch the mortuary employees share a joint with a zombie and then the Goth Girl dry humps a corpse to a really bad blues rock soundtrack.]

Lovelock: I should have stayed asleep.

[THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING AWFUL.  They even work in a way to get the Sarah Palin character to the mortuary so she can get killed by a fat woman zombie.  Yeah.  Really.]

Lovelock: If Troma tried even less, this is probably how it would turn out.

[...]

[ Scary or Die (2012). ]

Starkwell: Another fucking anthology film?

Lovelock: If you think I’m sticking around to see the zombie segment, you are mistaken.

[Fine.  I’ll just fast forward to the zombie segment.  Turns out there are two.  One involves a zombie clown that makes other people turn zombie clown, and another about a dead boyfriend coming back.]

Lovelock: Damn straight.  What the hell was going on in that one with the Asian guy?  It looked awful.

Starkwell: What is it with this new wave of anthology films?  They’re not good.

Lovelock: Seriously.  And don’t say “V-H-S”?  More like “SHIT-H-S”.

[Clown from kid’s birthday party bites main character drug dealer guy’s leg.]

Lovelock: Well, that’s something at least.  But why is the clown still acting all clowny and shit?

Starkwell: Why is this segment only like twenty minutes but feels a year long?

[Main Character slowly (emphasis on slow) turns into a flesh eating clown.]

Starkwell: Well that’s different.

Lovelock: They’re trying to make it all dramatic but the guy turned into A CLOWN.  What the fuck?

[The clown makeup actually looks pretty freaky.  They don’t bother watching the last segment.  It seemed to be about a bitch coming back from the dead to catch her man banging some girl in his back seat.]

[...]

[ Potpourri (2011). ]

Starkwell: The movie is about people tripping balls on bad drugs.  Let me guess, some stoners were stoned and were all “if you like translate potpourri it like means ‘rotten pot’ man, so like maybe that’s all potpourri is, like bad weed”.  And the story grew from there.  They may have even smoked some actual potpourri and then wrote the movie.

[...]

The film opens with a pretend vlogger reviewing the movie (so part of the actual film is a guy watching the actual film... I'm guessing they didn't have enough footage for a full length film, so they filled in the holes with this garbage).  Kinda lame.  Anyways, then we have some law enforcement types at the scene of a drug deal gone awry.

[...]

[Cut to a college class.]

Lovelock: Those are supposed to be college kids?

Starkwell: And they’re asking their teacher about “Back to the Future”?  College kids today weren’t even born when those movies were released.

[Seriously, it’s either dumb, or lazy, or both.]

[...]

After a few close-ups of pages of what may or may not be an actual university level physics textbook, Lovelock fell asleep.  Periodically it cuts back to the vlogger… who explains everything, in case the audience couldn’t follow.  That was enough for Starkwell to take off.  I waited a while to wake Lovelock up.  There was a stupid scene of people doing fake drugs, and tripping hard.  There was even a part when the vloggers fast forwarded the movie to ‘get to the good parts’.  Ironic, since Lovelock is now doing the same thing.  There are puppets, medieval forests, musical numbers, cartoons, and all sorts of weird shit.

[...]

Lovelock: So… it’s just a movie about “college” kids getting high and hallucinating?

[...]

To their credit, the filmmakers don’t resort to gratuitous tits and ass.  But if this eclectic and schizo film making style (potpourri-like, if you will) was applied to an actual story, it might have actually been something to remember.  There are zombies, and ample amounts of cheap looking gore, but overall it looks and feels like something Troma would shit out, probably after eating potpourri.  Alright, I think that’s enough torture for one sitting.