FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. III

I figured the best way to bring the guys back into the fold here was with a good old-fashioned Netflix Film Fest EXTRAVAGANZA.  Plus with Netflix I don’t feel bad if they don’t watch the whole thing because I’m not out the price of a shitty physical disc.  Also, in general it’s just easier to document if they bail early in the film.  So.  Buckle your seatbelts, it’s gonna be a long night.

[Zoombies (2005)]

Not going to lie, when they saw the production company was The Asylum, they almost made me stop this piece of garbage before it started.

[...]

Lovelock: Take Jurassic Park, add a helping of We Bought a Zoo, and just a pinch of Noah’s Ark.  Now subtract Matt Damon and remove everything good about the stories I mentioned and… BOOM – you got yourself Zoombies, kind of.

Starkwell: We’ve watched one minute of the movie.

Lovelock: Yeah but I mean, for fuck’s sake look at the font they’re using for the credits.

Starkwell: Right?

[...]

Hard to argue with that?  Soon after that a bad CGI monkey died and reanimated and included MONKEY POV.  Lovelock and STarkwell both started laughing and eventually got real quiet and said “yeah no, please stop the movie” and “NEXT” and “HARD PASS”.  We almost made it past the cold open.

[Condemned (2015)]

I think that we’re all okay with the concept behind this one, but it starts with this “CREEPY” old narrator.  Also known as bad start.  Starkwell says something about the fourth wall or like “can’t a movie just fucking be a movie.”  Then they got into a weird conversation about whether or not it should be “fucking be a movie” or “be a fucking movie”.  Meanwhile the movie continued.

[Entitled Princess goes with her “Bad Part of Town Punk Friends” to their apartment where they are squatting in a condemned building.]

Lovelock: first, she has it coming.  Second, I’m already totally fine if she dies, third, let’s move along to that part.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[We then meet the KERRAZY tenants at the condemned building.  It’s boring.]

Lovelock: This is boring.

Starkwell: Who would even save these boring people?  NOT WORTH IT.

Lovelock: Torch the building, and the people and this movie NOW.

[...]

So yeah, takes forever to get going and in the end it’s more like the Crazies of the Crazies was a super boring and shitty movie.

[Zombeavers (2014)]

At a runtime of 75-ish minutes, they should be able to get through this one… maybe?

[...]

Lovelock: Is that Bill Burr and John Mayer?

[...]

After a legitimately funny opening with these two known people, it could only go down from there, obviously.  And it does.  BOY DOES IT EVER.  The actual movie, follows three girls on a vacation at some lakehouse, because EVERYONE HAS A LAKEHOUSE!  It’s mostly bad beaver puns and innuendos and excuses to get the actresses to take their tops of.

[Beaver attack in the lake.]

Lovelock:  Bad effects, but still, charming beaver puppets.  Glad they didn’t go CGI.

Starkwell: I guess.

[...]

The short runtime saves it from being a full on zero, along with the fantastic beaver muppets, but honestly, I could have done without the human turns beaver stuff.  Somehow worked with that sheep movie but not with this one so much.  And why make a guy get his dick eaten?

[Splatter (2009)]

I think it’s safe to say that we are all here for Corey Feldman.

[...]

Starkwell: This thing is 30 minutes too long.

Lovelock:  It’s only 30 minutes long?

Starkwell: BINGO.

Lovelock: IT’S SO SIMPLE.

Starkwell: Nailed it.

[...]

That’s a Corey Feldman album reference, if anyone cares.  What a dull hunk of shit.  I think that was enough punishment for now.  Until next time.

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Zombies STILL all over the small screen...

People like Malone have been 'binge watching' before there was a term for it, and no surprise, he has been devouring all things zombie that the idiot box has to offer.  So here we go in another edition of "Malone takes on TV Zombies".

[...]

Hey asshead.

Since you just copy paste my letters like the lazy buffoon that you are, I'm going to structure this letter a little more like the rest of your dumb posts where you chronicle the moronic banter of those two tools.

[...]

I'm going to interrupt this, actually to say... HARSH.

[...]

Most people probably come here for Malone anyways.  So give the people what they want.  Alright. So I've been combing the depths of Netflix for more TV Shows with zombies that I have checked out yet.  My search came up, to my surprise, with some totally adequate and competent television.

iZombie, from 2015, is into its third season at this point, and I have to say, maybe it's because I went in with a super low bar, but this thing delivers.  Funny, for the most part, when it tries to be, and a cast of actors that I actually want to keep watching.  Characters that I want to root for!  Look, some of it is a bit lame, and not ALL of the jokes land, but the story and hook to the show is original enough to keep me engaged, and I ended up wanting to go back for more.  Three out of four!

Moving along.  I finally got around to watching Ash vs. Evil Dead.  Bruce Campbell dusts off the old Ash role and slaps it on like a nice comfy old pair of jeans.  Ash seems to be a bigger asshole than I remember... but maybe it's just been that long since I've seen the original movies.  Honestly, seeing him reprise the role, and for an ongoing, well produced, well written TV show... I mean, it give me a bigger joy boner than seeing Ford do Han again.  And believe me, that was a big boner.  Speaking of big boner, damn, Ash is a huge dick.  Three out of four as well.

At some point I knew I'd get to one I didn't like so much.  this brings me to The Returned... an A&E (?) production that is the fourth (?) re-ash of the same story.  I know the French one "Les Revenants" was based off a French movie, so this is the second or third level in of "based on based on based on" or something.  Not a bad show. But how about just doing one that hasn't already been done.  Lump this one in with Spiderman and Batman in the "I DON'T WANT ANOTHER VERSION WHO EVEN GIVES A SHIT IF ITS GOOD" category.  Two out of four.

My journey through Netflix, thankfully ended on a high note.  The Glitch is fucking cool.  It does bear some similarities to the above mentioned re-hash of a re-hash, but it is its own thing entirely.  I won't spoil anything, but it is well written, well acted, and at times, creepy as you want it to be.  FOUR ON FOUR.

There.  Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Love, Malone.

[...]

Great.  Now I have more stuff to add to my list of things I want to watch but probably never will have time to.  See you on the other side.

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition Vol. II (With a Touch of Redbox).

Part Redbox, part Netflix, all unbearable.  I present to you: More recent zombie SHIT.  I feel bad launching an onslaught like this onto Lovelock and Starkwell, but to make an omelet, you gotta break a few eggs.  In this case the omelet is documenting their conversations and the eggs are their spirits, brains and patience.  The quality ranges from “could only get through five minutes” to “almost able to watch most of it”. 

[...]

[ The Dead Reborn (2013). ]

Starkwell: Wait… is this just three other movies chopped up into one “anthology”film.

Lovelock: Why is the video quality so bad… it looks as though they filmed a TV showing the film.

[Seriously, the first segment is from The Dead Hate The Living, which they already watched (well they started it and stopped in the middle of it).]

Starkwell: So it’s a new movie, but it is just a mash-up of three other movies that are over ten years old.

Lovelock: PASS.

[Has anyone in the world actually ever watched this thing all the way through?  It’s an hour and forty-five minutes…]

[...]

[ Night of the Living Dead: Resurrection (2012). ]

Lovelock: I thought Herbert West was in this…

Starkwell: No you’re thinking of “Night of the Living Dead: Reanimation”.  This is “Resurrection”.

Lovelock: ToMAYto – toMAHto.

Starkwell: More like tomato and NOT a tomato, because it’s not the same movie.

[They did have to admit that, at the very least, a little more love and care seems to have been put into this one.]

Starkwell: It’s actually quite nicely filmed.

Lovelock: It’s like a really good high school project.

[Obviously it’s not exactly faithful to the original, but at least they try to shove some social commentary in.]

Starkwell: If they took this quality and applied it to an actual original idea, they might have something… but attempting to remake a classic… BOLLOCKS.

Lovelock: Agreed.

[Honestly, if this was anything other than a remake, this would have made it out of unwatchable territory, easily.  It would have just been regularly terrible.  Slow moving, and a touch boring.]

[...]

[ Night of the Living Dead 3D: Re-Animation (2012). ]

Starkwell: This is officially the third ‘night of the living dead’ that we have now watched, that is NOT the original, and will now likely abandon LONG before the runtime expires.

Lovelock: I can’t wait to see how long into this one we decide to leave.

Starkwell: I’m guessing not long…

Lovelock: Can we at least wait and see Herbert West?

[Mortician guy kills a zombie and some guy in the cemetery.]

Starkwell: Well, the effects here are definitely on par with the rest of this lot.

[One of the characters was watching “White Zombie” on a laptop.  Starkwell threw up everywhere.  Lovelock has fallen asleep and informed us to wake him when Jeffrey Combs arrives.  We ended up waking him up as the Mortician cracked open a zombie head with a shovel.  Then Combs’ character is introduced.]

Lovelock: Hooray!  And he has a sweet mustache!

[Jeffrey Combs with a mustache is in fact probably the highlight of the film.  Then there’s a really lame Sara Palin joke.  Don’t get me wrong, I fucking hate her guts, but it’s a four year old stale joke, and to spend this much time making fun of her is a huge waste of time (she is 100% irrelevant now).  Starkwell puked again.]

Starkwell: I’ll be back later.

[Lovelock went back to sleep, he eventually woke back up to watch the mortuary employees share a joint with a zombie and then the Goth Girl dry humps a corpse to a really bad blues rock soundtrack.]

Lovelock: I should have stayed asleep.

[THIS MOVIE IS FUCKING AWFUL.  They even work in a way to get the Sarah Palin character to the mortuary so she can get killed by a fat woman zombie.  Yeah.  Really.]

Lovelock: If Troma tried even less, this is probably how it would turn out.

[...]

[ Scary or Die (2012). ]

Starkwell: Another fucking anthology film?

Lovelock: If you think I’m sticking around to see the zombie segment, you are mistaken.

[Fine.  I’ll just fast forward to the zombie segment.  Turns out there are two.  One involves a zombie clown that makes other people turn zombie clown, and another about a dead boyfriend coming back.]

Lovelock: Damn straight.  What the hell was going on in that one with the Asian guy?  It looked awful.

Starkwell: What is it with this new wave of anthology films?  They’re not good.

Lovelock: Seriously.  And don’t say “V-H-S”?  More like “SHIT-H-S”.

[Clown from kid’s birthday party bites main character drug dealer guy’s leg.]

Lovelock: Well, that’s something at least.  But why is the clown still acting all clowny and shit?

Starkwell: Why is this segment only like twenty minutes but feels a year long?

[Main Character slowly (emphasis on slow) turns into a flesh eating clown.]

Starkwell: Well that’s different.

Lovelock: They’re trying to make it all dramatic but the guy turned into A CLOWN.  What the fuck?

[The clown makeup actually looks pretty freaky.  They don’t bother watching the last segment.  It seemed to be about a bitch coming back from the dead to catch her man banging some girl in his back seat.]

[...]

[ Potpourri (2011). ]

Starkwell: The movie is about people tripping balls on bad drugs.  Let me guess, some stoners were stoned and were all “if you like translate potpourri it like means ‘rotten pot’ man, so like maybe that’s all potpourri is, like bad weed”.  And the story grew from there.  They may have even smoked some actual potpourri and then wrote the movie.

[...]

The film opens with a pretend vlogger reviewing the movie (so part of the actual film is a guy watching the actual film... I'm guessing they didn't have enough footage for a full length film, so they filled in the holes with this garbage).  Kinda lame.  Anyways, then we have some law enforcement types at the scene of a drug deal gone awry.

[...]

[Cut to a college class.]

Lovelock: Those are supposed to be college kids?

Starkwell: And they’re asking their teacher about “Back to the Future”?  College kids today weren’t even born when those movies were released.

[Seriously, it’s either dumb, or lazy, or both.]

[...]

After a few close-ups of pages of what may or may not be an actual university level physics textbook, Lovelock fell asleep.  Periodically it cuts back to the vlogger… who explains everything, in case the audience couldn’t follow.  That was enough for Starkwell to take off.  I waited a while to wake Lovelock up.  There was a stupid scene of people doing fake drugs, and tripping hard.  There was even a part when the vloggers fast forwarded the movie to ‘get to the good parts’.  Ironic, since Lovelock is now doing the same thing.  There are puppets, medieval forests, musical numbers, cartoons, and all sorts of weird shit.

[...]

Lovelock: So… it’s just a movie about “college” kids getting high and hallucinating?

[...]

To their credit, the filmmakers don’t resort to gratuitous tits and ass.  But if this eclectic and schizo film making style (potpourri-like, if you will) was applied to an actual story, it might have actually been something to remember.  There are zombies, and ample amounts of cheap looking gore, but overall it looks and feels like something Troma would shit out, probably after eating potpourri.  Alright, I think that’s enough torture for one sitting.

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Netflix Edition.

I have a high tolerance for pain.  I’ve sat through Sho Kosugi movies.  I’ve seen Chuck Norris in ‘Firewalker’ more times than I would care to admit.  I’ve watched ‘Action Jackson’ without fast-forwarding.  I can openly admit to seeing the majority of the Charles Bronson movies from 70’s and 80’s and lived to see another day.  Starkwell and Lovelock have a decidedly lower level of patience. The following is a list of movies that are being categorized as UNWATCHABLE.  

For a movie to be classified as such, it means that they were unable to watch it in its entirety, and that it made them both wish they could set fire to their eyeballs, ears, and possibly brains.  The following are brief statements from either Lovelock or Starkwell regarding the movies in question.  None of these were viewed in their entirety, nor would I recommend that anyone take on such a venture.  It is also important to mention, that they were all attempted on the same day, in a row, with nothing but bathroom breaks (in some cases for vomiting) in between.  It was a long day.  They were all streamed off of Netflix, so don’t worry, no money was spent, just precious time that will never grow back.  Have at it, in chronological order.

[...]

[ The Dead Hate the Living! (2000) ]

Lovelock: Feels more like ‘The Filmmakers Hate the Audience!’.

[...]

[ Zombie Campout! (2002) ]

Starkwell: Best camp movie since ‘Ernest Goes to Camp’.

Lovelock: EwweEEwweEEwwwEEEwwww.

[...]

[ Die You Zombie Bastards! (2003) ]

Starkwell: If it feels like a Troma movie, and it looks like a Troma movie, then it probably SUCKS.

[...]

[ Zombie Nation (2004) ]

Lovelock : This feels like the kind of movie that the dumbest kid in your grade eight class would make.

[...]

[ ZA: Zombies Anonymous  (2006) ]

Starkwell : Bad concept, executed badly.

[...]

[ Quick and the Undead (2006) ]

Lovelock: A zombie western, made by people that probably have never seen a movie from either genre.

[...]

[ Awaken the Dead (2007) ]

Starkwell: This movie couldn’t awaken a viewer, so, yeah, good luck with the dead.

[...]

[ Zombie Town (2007) ]

Lovelock : Did we watch this one?

Starkwell: Who the hell knows anymore?  Even if we didn’t, let’s not.

[...]

[ Aaaah! Zombies!! a.k.a. Wasting Away (2007) ]

Starkwell: I’d rather stare at the movie’s DVD cover and imagine a story for ninety minutes than ever watch any part of this again.

Lovelock: I’d rather stare at you staring at the DVD cover for ninety minutes than ever watch any part of this again.

[...]

[ Mutant Vampire Zombies from the Hood (2008) ]

Lovelock: Too easy.

[...]

[ Deadgirl (2008) ]

Starkwell: A how-to guide on creating characters that no one could ever like, and a story that no one would ever want to see through until the end.

[...]

[ Beast Within a.k.a. Virus Undead (2008) ]

Lovelock: The review for 'Beast Within', which is just a two word review, just says “Shit Within”.

[...]

[ Retardead (2008) ]

Starkwell: As offensive to the movie viewer as the title is to ANYONE WITH ANY COMMON DECENCY.

[...]

[ Johnny Sunshine Maximum Violence (2008) ]

Lovelock: You know how there’s that one lame person at work with all the Goth shit in their cubicle, and they still listen to ‘Pretty Hate Machine’ and think that their purple hair makes them edgy?  They made this movie.

[...]

[ Colin (2008) ]

Starkwell: Actually an interesting concept, but the lack of budget made it impossible to watch.

[...]

[ The Zombie Apocalypse Collection (2008) ]

Lovelock: Try to find information about this movie.  You won’t.  That’s because no one knows how it ever got made.  Probably best that it remains a mystery, so that it never happens again.

[...]

[ Zombie Wars (2008) ]

Starkwell: Honestly who tries to make a movie with this grand of a scale on the budget of a porno?  People who don’t care about the viewers, that’s who.

[...]

[ Zombies Zombies Zombies: Strippers vs. Zombies (2008) ]

Lovelock : You know there was that one lame kid in high school who thought the meaning of life was Japanese Animated pornography and listening to the 'Insane Clown Posse', and thinking that his parents were just fascists trying to bring him down?  Yeah, they made this movie.

[...]

[ Zombie Strippers (2008) ]

Starkwell: Well, Lovelock’s statement above rings true for this one as well, except add to it a desperate Freddy Krueger and an aging and  leathery used porn actress.  So yeah, it’s that bad.

[...]

[ Zombie Women of Satan (2009) ]

Lovelock: This magical group of movie makers thought that they could improve bad writing and bad acting by adding naked spanking and full frontal male nudity.  Try and guess if they were right or not.

[...]

[ Edges of Darkness (2009) ]

Starkwell: It took five seconds to realize that the movie’s entre budget went on designing the movie poster, and not on anything else.

[...]

[ Zombie Farm (2009) ]

Lovelock : This is another one that you won’t be able to find much about.  That’s a good thing.  Please, don't look.

[...]

[ DIEner (2009) ]

Starkwell: This movie might have actually been alright, if it wasn’t so horrifyingly awful.

[...]

These should be mandatory viewing for anyone out there trying to make a zombie film as a reminder of what can happen when you do it wrong.  These movies had such a profound impact on Lovelock and Starkwell, that just hearing the music from the Wii Menu now makes Starkwell lock himself in the bathroom and Lovelock stick his head in the oven.  I think that while they are in recovery from this self-inflicted torture poopfest, I’ll try and refrain from loading up Netflix for a little while.  

I’m going to go read them a bedtime story from Max Brooks’ ‘World War Z’ and rock them back and forth into a happy and blissful coma.