All Souls Day.

Another in a string of “made for Sci-Fi” channel movies, this one is supposed to be the cream of the crop.  That is, of course, if the cream is the worst part, and the crop is actually a bag of shit.  The DVD opens with a trailer for “Near Dark” which looks awesome and stars Bill Paxton.  But we’re not about to watch that.  We’re about to watch something whose claim to fame is that Danny Trejo is in it.  Starkwell and Lovelock are less than excited for this 2005 romp in Mexico penned by the guy who wrote Uwe Boll’s “House of the Dead”.  So yeah.

[...]

[Anytown Mexico.]

Starkwell: For a random Mexican village, there is an awful lot of English being spoken.

Lovelock: They did the same thing in “Hunt for Red October”, except with Russian.

Starkwell: And why are all of the villagers white?

Lovelock: What did you expect them to do, go and grab a truck full of day laborers?

Starkwell: Dude...

Lovelock: You know what? They probably would give a more convincing performance.

[...]

[White family in the 50s is murdered by village of Mexican Zombies, cuts to present day.  Lame white people run into village.]

Starkwell: Why did they need to show the flashback?  How did that girl write that whole explanation in the sand with a stick?  Why aren’t they panicking more?  Why are we watching this?

Lovelock: The answer to all of those is, because this film is a turd.

[...]

[Lame white guy invites his friends to join them, and then makes sex all over his girlfriend.]

Starkwell: Why would they invite people after finding a girl with her tongue cut out?  How could they be horny under these circumstances?  Who puts their bra back on immediately after boning like that?

Lovelock: Once again, because this film is a turd.

[...]

Altman throws in movie references, but rather than being subtle about it, the characters always find a way to explain what movie they were referencing immediately after referencing it, making it THOROUGHLY LAME.

[...]

[Zombie mayhem continues.]

Starkwell: If he wants to go get more bullets, why is she wasting them by shooting bullets in the air? Why is tongueless a zombie already?  How is she screaming? Why didn’t they kill the Sheriff? If the Sheriff is the kid from the flashback, why isn’t seventy years old?  Why is it only the Mexican girl that sees the weird apparitions?  Why are they making jokes?  Why are they making out?!?!?!  Why does the cheerleader have super powers?!?!?  Why am I still sitting here?

Lovelock: Turd! Remember? … Starkwell?  Starkwell?

[...]

Starkwell left.  Lovelock stayed.  As usual, here are some bits from Lovelock’s conversation with himself.

[...]

[Trejo shoots his son in the head, accidentally.]

Lovelock: How could he have possibly missed his mark by that much?  Why do we need to see Trejo masturbating? Why is she puking black stuff? Why would they have killed the other people in the first place if they only wanted to get the Vargas guy? Why is she magic, but not magic enough to stop this shit from happening in the first place? What the fuck?

[...]

Once Lovelock remembered the answer to all of these questions, he got quiet.  Real quiet.

Junk.

Since “Stacy” is the only Japanese zombie extravaganza that I have exposed Lovelock and Starkwell to, I felt I owed the country of Japan an explanation.  Hopefully the turn of the century’s more traditional zombie fare, “Junk” will give Starkwell and Lovelock a better view of the Japanese zombie film.  If this one doesn’t work there’s always “Wild Zero”.  Lovelock’s mad that he will have to read again.

[...]

[Jewelry store heist.]

Lovelock: Why is everyone wearing sunglasses?

Starkwell: Because “The Matrix” had just come out.

Lovelock: That explains the soundtrack.

Starkwell: And the outfits.

Lovelock: Oh shit, a SEGA building!

Starkwell: For a movie that has the evil American military scientists creating zombies, they borrow an awful lot from American films.

Lovelock: Maybe the zombies are a good thing in this one…

Starkwell: Are we supposed to be rooting for these thieves?  Because they just shot a lady.

Lovelock: She was asking for it.

Starkwell: …

[...]

The movie kicked forward, developing characters, pushing the EVIL AMERICAN MILITARY agenda a little more, and leading up to the exchange between the jewel thieves and local Yakuza.  Obviously they plan on meeting in the secret warehouse where the EVIL AMERICAN MILITARY have been conducting their zombie experiments.  As much as most of the characters are incredibly hateable, the one female lead seems to be a decent person.  Before they had time to discuss this any further, a zombie ran a steel rod through a guy’s neck, and both Starkwell and Lovelock applauded.  The movie was very quick to show us that it would not be light in gore and headshots.

[...]

[Jewel for Money exchange.]

Starkwell: He asked to see the money first, they show him a briefcase, and he says “OK.”?

Lovelock: Yeah, kind of dumb.

Starkwell: “Well, he has a briefcase, so it must be full of money.”  I’m glad he’s dead.

Lovelock: ZOMBIE!

[...]

As the bullets flew, and more and more dead people came back to life, Starkwell and Lovelock stayed pretty quiet, thoroughly entertained.  A lot of comments were made about the American Military Mustache Man and the fact that only the main characters’ guns seem to ever run out of bullets.  Apparently the Yakuza have INFINTY BULLETS guns.

[...]

[Naked Female Zombie has computer science skills.]

Starkwell: How would she know how to stop the self destruct sequence?

Lovelock: For the same reason that the Americans have military bases all over Japan.

[...]

[Japanese Scientist mows down some zombies with a machine gun.]

Starkwell: Where would he have learned to shoot like that?

Lovelock: The same place the zombie learned Computer Science.

Starkwell: Well played.

[...]

[Naked computer whiz zombie kills American Soldier.]

Starkwell: After all of this time, why would naked zombie suddenly decide to put on a leather outfit, in slow motion?

Lovelock: You already answered your own question earlier.  It is because the director had just watched “The Matrix”.

[...]

[Leather Dress Super Zombie hops around throwing Japanese Scientist around the room.]

Starkwell: Where the Hell is all of that wind coming from?

Lovelock: Long answer, the same place all of that fog is coming from.

Starkwell: What’s the short answer?

Lovelock: “The Matrix”.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Well, either that or John Woo.

[...]

[Super Zombie comes back, even after a bullet in the head.  With blond hair.]

Starkwell: Why would her hair turn blond?

Lovelock: So that the male stunt double could wear a blond wig.

[...]

As the credits rolled Starkwell and Lovelock agreed that while the film featured a hefty amount of action, and a good amount of old fashioned gore, overall it lacked character.  In fact, what it lacked most were characters that we would actually give a shit about.  I mean, the film ends with them stealing a car.  Well that and that Super Zombie is still alive.  Fun movie, but really fucking stupid.  Also, why is it called "Junk"?

Oasis of the Zombies.

After their experience with Rollin’s (or was it J.A. Laser???) “Zombie Lake”, the thought of another Aquatic Based Nazi Zombie film has Starkwell and Lovelock a little terrified.  Not to mention the fact that this one is from seasoned pornographer and cinetrash maker extraordinaire Jess Franco.  What is about to ooze into their eyes and ears is his notoriously abysmal “Oasis of the Zombies”.  I don’t think they’re truly ready.  Can you ever be truly ready for Franco?  The quality of the print is atrocious.  That can’t possibly be helping this.  Also, no matter what the original language was, this is being shown to us in PISS POOR ENGLISH.

[...]

[Girls in hot pants get eaten.  Opening credits play with some kind of flute music.]

Starkwell: Why would two girls in short shorts and tank tops be driving around the deert in Africa?

Lovelock: To his credit, the girls kept their tiny clothes on.

[...]

After this, not much was going on.  There appears to be some sort of Nazi gold thing happening, and there are some pretty sweet moustaches.  The story is surprisingly cohesive, although not very fast moving.  I think something is being lost in translation, since, as Starkwell said, “did he tell her to hold on to her camel?” and Lovelock’s question “so the girls at the beginning were lesbians, right?”.

[...]

[Flashback to when the Nazis were ambushed at the Oasis.]

Starkwell: That’s a lot of grenade being tossed around.

Lovelock: Woah!  First Person Shooter angle!  Jess Franco invented video games!

Starkwell: That’s a bit of a stretch.

Lovelock: Wait.  Are we still in the flashback now?  I’m confused.

[...]

[Eurotrash college students skip their exam to go after supposedly cursed Nazi gold, somewhere in Africa.]

Starkwell: Little do they know that the guy who killed the one student’s father is also out on a journey for the very same gold that they are going after.

Lovelock:  I’m not even sure that I knew that.  But thanks for clarifying.

Starkwell: He sure likes to focus on that swastika.

Lovelock: It’s so that we know that the zombies are Nazis.

Starkwell: Yeah, otherwise they just look like dudes with oatmeal on their faces.

Lovelock: Expensive oatmeal.  And maggots.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell sat quietly, watching the surprisingly freaky looking zombies eat people.  Starkwell noted “of course, they took her pants off first” to which Lovelock replied “how else would they be able to eat her?”  At one point, they simultaneously exclaimed “LONGEST DEATH EVER!”

[...]

[College kids dig for gold.]

Starkwell: How would they know where to dig?

Lovelock: Instinct?

Starkwell: Considering half of them have already been attacked by zombies and are still sticking around, I’d say that their instinct is piss poor.

Lovelock: And somehow, they’re still horny enough to make the sex.

Starkwell: Is it just me or do the zombies make noises like the raptors in “Jurassic Park”?

Lovelock: Wow.  Normally I would bring in the oddly placed references.  I’m proud of you.  Anyways, you’re wrong.  They sound like a jug band member playing a washboard.

[...]

After the fifth shot of a hand coming out of the sand, they were starting to lose their patience a little.  But then finally the carnage started and they ate tons of popcorn and cheered.

[...]

[College kids fight back.]

Lovelock: Did that guy say "let’s make Molotov Cocktails like in school?”  Where the Hell do they go to school?

Starkwell: Am I the only one that thinks that Franco focuses on the zombie faces for absurdly long amounts of time forever?

Lovelock: How come that one zombie disappeared into thin air?

Starkwell: Let’s not ask questions that we know don’t have answers to.

Lovelock: You do that all of the time.

[...]

Judging by the final lines of dialogue in the film, the main character was just there to “find himself”.  Fucking college kids…  Always trying to explore themselves by traveling.  Anyways, maybe it was just because “Zombie Lake” drove their expectations for Nazi zombie films down to an undetectably low level, but they seemed to feel that this was a perfectly adequate and fun romp in the desert, full of burning Nazis and ‘splosions.

FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Poor DVD Choices.

This second round of Unwatchables is coming at you thanks some very poor DVD buying decisions that I have made.  I am noticing a pattern too.  The only movies that seem to make it to the dreaded unwatchable status were made after the turn of the millennium.  Often people will talk about movies and how we don’t make them like we used to.  Apparently, we even don’t make trashy micro-budget ones like we used.  Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t make it through any of these films from start to finish, but here was a little of what they had to say about each before they set the DVD player on fire.  Seriously, I went through six DVD players.

[...]

[Necropolis Awakened (2002)]

Starkwell: The box said “Pulp Fiction” meets “Day of the Dead”.  I’m not really getting that.

Lovelock: It’s more like a porno based on “Pulp Fiction” meets a high school film festival entry based on “Day of the Dead”.  But without any sex in it, and they’d finish last at the festival.

Starkwell: Why would anyone make their voice do that?

Lovelock: Probably so he could play more than one character.

[...]

[Exhumed (2003)]

[First story, samurai short with zombies.]

Starkwell: This kind of feels like a white person version of what he thinks a samurai movie would be…. Oh wait.

[Second story, film noir, with zombies.]

Lovelock: Holy shit! That is the most annoying voice I have ever heard.  Where did they find her?

Starkwell: It sounds like someone imitating someone who’s imitating someone who’s imitating a person from that era.

[Third story, they never watched.]

[...]

[Invasion (2005)]

Starkwell: The first person view from the squad car is interesting.  Nice concept.

[10 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Wow... sticking to the squad car angle... bold.

[10 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Wait are they just driving in circles in a field and filming it?

[30 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Zzzzzzzzzzzz…

[Lovelock was asleep the whole time.]

[...]

[Automaton Transfusion (2006)]

Starkwell: Do you think they made this movie just to see that girl’s boobies?

Lovelock: It would explain why the rest of the movie seems like they were making it up as they went along.

Starkwell: I think I would respect this movie more if it were made twenty years ago.

Lovelock: It’s original “Degrassi” meets “Children of the Living Dead”.

Starkwell: Spot on.

[...]

[Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)]

Starkwell: Do you think they decided to have the soft-core barnyard sex scene before or after they made it 3D?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I don’t think my glasses are working very well.  But I do see well enough to know that Sid Haig really needs money.

Starkwell: Yeah, he must have been fresh off of shooting “House of the Dead 2”.

Lovelock: I sort of wish my glasses was a blindfold.

Starkwell: And that it had earplugs attached.

[...]

[Trailer Park of Terror (2008)]

Starkwell: So… characters that I hate being killed by other characters that I hate?

Lovelock: Plus it’s gross!

[...]

On the bright side, at least we have six new coasters for the coffee table.  Some of these had some good ideas, but all eventually spiralled dreadfully out of control and ended up in Unwatchable Town.  I think Sid Haig might be the mayor there.  I’m going to go bake some brownies, and hopefully Lovelock and Starkwell will begin talking to me again.

The Dead Next Door.

Apparently this movie took years to complete.  That’s what happens when you have no budget and try to tackle a story as grand as the one put forward in JR Bookwalter’s “Dead Next Door”.  Shot in Ohio through the majority of the ‘80s, this one saw its completion and release in ’89, and may or may not have lived up to everyone’s hopes.  Let’s at least find out what Starkwell and Lovelock think of it.  Apparently Bookwalter followed this with a movie called “Robot Ninja” where a scientist helps a comic-book artist to become the superhero he has created in order to battle a vicious gang of rapists.  So yeah.

[...]

[Zombie tried to rent "Dawn of the Dead"]

Lovelock: Sweet VHS boxes.

Starkwell: I think this is going to be one nutty ride.

[...]

[Zombie apocalypse montage.]

Starkwell: Why would they bother showing a zombie using the telephone for that long?

Lovelock: The same reason that they mostly cast people with mullets.

[...]

We get introduced to some Zombie Squad members, some pretty sweet gore and some of the worst acting in the history of people.  But, as Lovelock noted, “somehow it works.”

[...]

[Binocular shot.]

Starkwell: If you’re going to use construction paper to create that effect, you could at least make smooth cuts.

Lovelock: You ever try to cut perfect circles with scissors?  It’s impossible.

[...]

Lovelock: I think I’ve seen this movie before.  It was called “Ghostbusters.”

Starkwell: Are you basing that entirely on the Squad Car?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

The overdubbing is funny.  Starkwell mentioned that it gives it that “campy Bruno Mattei feel.”  In order to save the world, they have to find some guy’s research lab in Akron, Ohio, the scientific center of the world, apparently.

[...]

[Reverend Sunglasses and his Church of Bad Haircuts keep zombies in a pen, and feed them humans.]

Lovelock: There’s something weird about this Reverend…

Starkwell: He runs a cult, sacrifices people, and feeds them to the zombies.

Lovelock: That’s not it.

Starkwell: It’s not?

Lovelock: No, I know!  It’s his fashion sense.  Who wears a khaki shirt and khaki pants?  What is he, a zookeeper?  And why is he always wearing those old lady Terminator sunglasses?

[...]

Not much was happening after this.  Starkwell and Lovelock made a half dozen comments about Commander Mullet and his braid.  There was a random hippy guy talking about “'Nam flashbacks” right before a grenade blew him up.  Trust me, it sounds better than it is.  Then the Zombie Squad guy grenaded a tree so he could drive through it and Starkwell walked out.  The rest is just stuff that Lovelock muttered to himself.

[...]

Lovelock: Worst graffiti ever.  “The Master Dude!”  What does that even mean?

[...]

Lovelock: Reverend Sunglasses looks like Gilbert Godfrey, but sounds like an asshole.

[...]

Lovelock: STARKWELL!  YOU’RE MISSING A MELTING ZOMBIE! MELTING!

[...]

Lovelock: You’re going down Doctor Trucker Hat.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would you open that door? Oh snap, zombie hands!  Guitar solo!

[...]

Lovelock: I think that cage is made of paper.

[...]

I don’t think Lovelock appreciated the twist ending, since he just stood up and said “Dumb.”  He liked the gore effects overall, but Bookwalter definitely bit off more than he could chew, and the result is a patchy film that lacks cohesion.  Impressive nonetheless.  Lovelock gives him credit for trying.  Starkwell was glad he bailed when he did.  The songs that play during the ending credits are totally insane.  And I thought only Burt Reynolds movies had awesome theme songs.

Dead & Buried.

Sometimes it’s good to throw a different one into the mix.  Supposedly a little more along the lines of “Les Raisins de la Mort” or Romero’s “The Crazies”, 1981’s “Dead & Buried” is that age old tale of a town gone insane.  Directed by some dude named Gary Sherman, this one is perhaps more known for being partially written by legendary screenwriter Dan O’Bannon.  Yeah, the dude that wrote Alien!  This is another beautiful Blue Underground print.

[...]

[Soft piano intro, black and white stills, and a photographer strolling on the beach.]

Lovelock: Did we put the right DVD in?  This looks like it could be the intro for “Terms of Endearment”…

Starkwell: Does everything have to start with ‘splosions and bloody murder with you?

Lovelock: I take it back… the sax just kicked in, and he’s photographing a foxy blond.  Who’s taking her shirt off…?  Maybe it’s a porno DVD.

Starkwell: Not sure why we would have a porno mixed in with the horror DVDs.  Or “Terms of Endearment” for that matter…

Lovelock: HOLY SHIT SHOVEL TO THE HEAD BURNED AT THE STAKE.

[...]

For the next ten minutes or so, both Starkwell and Lovelock kept repeating “Welcome to Potters Bluff.”  It was almost as creepy as the opening scene.

[...]

[The Mortician drives an Ambulance SLASH Coroner vehicle.]

Starkwell: I would think that being both the paramedic and the mortician would be a conflict of interests…

Lovelock: When life gives him lemons, he makes lemonades.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

Lovelock: Dead people are lemons.

[...]

[Nurse Betty finishes Freddie off.]

Starkwell: Was it really necessary to put the needle into his eyeball?

Lovelock: Are you for real?  That's like asking if boobies are necessary.  I think that when life shows you lemonades, you call it lemons.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: Eyeball gags are definitely lemonades.

[...]

[Freddie is alive, kills them city folk.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never stop and ask for directions.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: That’s also why I don’t go wandering into the dark basement of a creepy abandoned house in the middle of the night in a small creepy town.

Starkwell: Should anyone really need a reason not to do that?

Lovelock: WELCOME TO POTTERS BLUFF.

[...]

As the madness progressed forward, the Sheriff continued to investigate the murders, and the insane reality started unearthing itself, Starkwell said that this only reaffirms O’Bannon’s greatness.  Lovelock said “Welcome to Potters Bluff” at least six or seven more times, often at random.

[...]

[Doc gets acid shot up his nose and his face melts from the inside.]

Lovelock: Alright, so deaths will now be rated from one to “acid up the nose”.

Starkwell: Forever?

Lovelock: No, just for the duration of this movie.  Afterwards, we will resume our rating system that goes from one to “face eaten by tarantulas”.

[...]

[The truth is revealed, and I think the Sheriff’s brain full exploded.]

Lovelock: So it’s kind of like “The Truman Show”.

Starkwell: How so?

Lovelock: Is it sort of like “The Matrix”?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”? 

Starkwell: Are you just saying titles at random?

Lovelock: Welcome, to Potters Bluff?

Starkwell: Don’t you dare…

[...]

As the Sheriff tries to locate and bury his dead wife, and the Mortician makes himself up like a cheap whore and embalms himself, Starkwell and Lovelock just sat quietly watching the film wrap itself up neatly, blissfully mesmerized by the unique brand of incredible blazing into their wide open eyeballs at seventy-five miles per amazing.  Welcome, to Potters Bluff.