Zombie Holocaust.

This DVD doesn’t even have a menu.  When I put it in for Starkwell and Lovelock to watch it just automatically stopped after the FBI Warning.  Maybe it was a sign to abort the mission, but for some reason, I pressed play again.  This is going to be a rough one.  Lovleock asked “It’s 1980, and Ian McCulloch is in it… how bad can it be?”  Just wait, Lovelock.  Just wait.

[...]

[Girl strips.]

Starkwell: Holy shit, who matches their furniture with their lampshade, bedspread and wallpaper?

Lovelock: The same women that walk around in a bra and panties while tending to their fridge full of raw meat.

[...]

[Hospital worker tries to take a bite out of a dead guy’s heart, gets caught, jumps out window.]

Lovelock: I don’t think that’s what those people had in mind when they donated their bodies to science.

Starkwell: The arm flew off the dummy when it hit the ground, and yet, when they showed the dead character after, his arm was still attached.

Lovelock: Dude, mannequins aren’t cheap.  That was the best take they had.

[...]

For a while, Lovelock and Starkwell weren’t really paying any attention.  They perked up a little when McCulloch was on screen, but mostly they were amazed at the amount of random shots there were of New York City.  At one point, Starkwell blurted out, “yeah, we get it, you’re in New York.”  Soon, the director upgraded to STOCK FOOTAGE of a random tropical island, which could have been lifted from any other number of zombie movies from the era.  Lovelock noticed that their car changed from one shot to the other.

[...]

[Naked Girl finds Maggoty Head in her bed.]

Lovelock: That’s why you should always wear pants to bed.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[Cannibal Tribe randomly show up and eat kid.]

Starkwell: They’re standing right next to them, why would McCulloch need those enormous binoculars?

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that the reporter girl’s camera keeps changing colors.

Starkwell: Not bad.

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that the hardcore Black dude wears a pink scarf and carries a machete ALL THE TIME.

Starkwell: Better.

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that the Cannibals use shiny red silk ribbons to lasso people in for the kill/eat.

Starkwell: That’s the one.

[...]

The excessive gore doesn’t seem to be enough to win even Lovelock over.  Somewhere well past the halfway point, we eventually see some zombies.  They just sort of stand there looking gross.  Still no sign of a holocaust.  Still no sign of a plot.

[...]

[They all sit around drinking cans of soda pop.]

Starkwell: Where did they get the soda?  And is that a box of ‘Special K’ in the bag?

[...]

[BOAT MOTOR CHARGED INTO ZOMBIFACE.]

Lovelock: I think we definitely just hit the film’s high point.

Starkwell: They should have just ended it right after motor-kill.

Lovelock: From now on, whenever someone runs a boat’s motor into someone’s face, we’ll say that they got McCulloched.

Starkwell: Probably won’t come up that often, especially since we’ll never watch this one again.

[...]

Reporter girl became a zombie with bad teeth, but then they ripped her scalp off, and suddenly she was on the Doctor’s autopsy table wearing a bloody bald cap and her teeth and face were back to normal.  Starkwell gave up and went to bed.  Lovelock kept watching, hoping that McCulloch would find another working motor on an abandoned boat.  He never did.  The Blonde girl did get naked, though.  Again.

[...]

[Blonde girl’s naked body gets flowers painted on it.]

Lovelock: It looks just like her wallpaper from the beginning.  I think that must mean something.

Starkwell: It means this movie sucks.

Lovelock: I thought you went to bed.

Starkwell: I wanted to make sure that you threw the movie out the window after it’s over.

[...]

The movie ends, and they weren’t really sure what happened.  Well, at least the blonde girl found some clothes.

Children of the Living Dead.

It “stars” Tom Savini and is directed by a guy named Tor Ramsey.  There is a definite connection to the original “Night”, given that John Russo produced it, and I think it even stars children of some of the people involved with the Romero works.  So how bad can 2001’s straight-to-video “Children of the Living Dead” really be?  I’ll tell who is about to find out.  Lovelock and Starkwell.  Wait until they hear that Savini is only in the first five minutes.  I read an interview with Savini wherein he called this movie a “piece of shit”.  It’s with that glowing stamp of approval in mind that I proudly present this DVD, bought at a DVD outlet store for two dollars, to Lovelock and Starkwell.

I should probably mention that the DVD is from Quebec, and somehow lacks the English audio track.  So, we will be viewing this one dubbed into French.  Honestly, it probably helps the film, just by adding a level of unintentional hilarity that these film makers are likely incapable of.

[...]

[Helicopter gunman mows down a bunch of Zombies.  Savini takes down a bunch.  Then he explores a farmhouse and explains that zombies don’t attack children.]

Lovelock: ACTION PACKED THRILL RIiiiiIIIIiiiiIDE!!!

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t they attack children?  This is dumb.

Lovelock: If it maintains this level of action, I may be willing to forgive it.

[Savini flips out and then dies in the slowest moving zombie attack ever committed to DIRECT-TO-VIDEO.]

Lovelock: I think the bad dubbing helps cover up the bad acting.

Starkwell: I think I’m going to have a lot of trouble making it to the end of this one.

[...]

[Lame “college aged” kids drive drunk… 14 years later.]

Starkwell: Funny… it feels like fourteen years have gone by since the movie started.

[The lamest looking zombie EVER jumps / dances / sachets out into the road.  The bus flies off a cliff.]

Lovelock: Best scene ever.

Starkwell: Honestly, if they rolled credits now, they could totally save this movie.

[...]

[At the funeral for the “kids”.]

Lovelock: See, that’s why having a name like ‘Candi’ is weird to me, because at the funeral, they say “we will miss you… Candi…” and it just doesn’t sound sincere.  It sounds more like a stripper's going away party.

Starkwell: "We will miss you, Candi... good luck at community college next year."

Lovelock: Exactly.

[...]

Sometime after that, the Lame Super Zombie goes around biting into ALREADY DEAD PEOPLE and making them rise up out of their coffins.  Starkwell is putting his shoes on, very ready to leave TOP SPEED.  At least if that happened, something would be moving fast.  Eventually after another twenty minutes Lovelock was fast asleep and Starkwell was long gone.

[...]

[Nothing happens… dubbed in French.]

Lovelock: ZzZZZzzzzzzz….

[...]

The movie eventually ended and restarted without waking Lovelock up.  

[...]

[Lovelock wakes up, ten minutes into the film, the second time it started playing.]

Lovelock: Woah, I must have been asleep.  I had a nightmare about the worst movie that I have EVER SEEN and…

[Lovelock notices the movie playing.]

Lovelock: What the...?? NOOOOOoooOO!!!!  IT’S A MAD HOUSE!!!

[Lovelock runs away crying.]

[...]

Let’s just say Tom Savini was being kind in that interview.  The French dubbing helped elevate it to a somewhat surreal level, but a surreal and shit level, nonetheless.

Pet Sematary.

Stephen King really pisses me off.  How can anyone just come up with so many damn stories?  Amidst all of his best selling books, he also wrote screenplays.  Some originals, some based off his books.  He even got to collaborate with Romero!  Anyways, I’m pretty sure this one is about cats.  And it was directed by the woman that directed Madonna’s “Like a Virgin”, so you know it should be pretty scary.  Lovelock hopes I’m joking about the whole ‘it’s about cats’ thing.  We’ll see.

[...]

[Introducing the family, and their new New England home. Tire swing breaks, girl falls.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never swing on tire swings.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: Isn’t that the 'girls have a penis boys have a vagina' kid from "Kindergarten Cop"?

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure you’ve got that backwards.

Lovelock: I'm pretty sure you're backwards.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: IT’S NOT A TUMOR.

[...]

They eventually got into a deep discussion as to why they would be so trusting of a random old crotchety dude from across the street, also, why they had to make the little girl so unbelievably annoying.  I think they repeated the line “LOOK DADDY THIS ONE’S A GOLD FISHY” about twenty times.  Considering how much he didn’t want this to be about cats, Lovelock certainly kept mentioning how cute the cat is.

[...]

[Girl says “yay”.]

Starkwell: No one should ever say ‘yay’ that loudly.

Lovelock: The last person who did was probably thrown out of a window.

[...]

Sometime after this, things started to pick up a little in the scary department and there was a fairly creepy "dream / or was it a dream?" sequence.  Starkwell and Lovelock went quiet.

[...]

[Cat is dead, hit by truck.]

Lovelock: That’s why cats should stay indoors.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why.

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: Oh, actually, yeah, that is why.

[...]

Both Starkwell and Lovelock laughed out loud for several minutes when the Old Man Jud and Doctor Louis heard a horrible haunting scream of some kind in the forest on their hike, and Old Man says “Just a Loon, that’s all”, and the Doctor buys it.  Way too much trust is being put into the creepy Old Man Jud.

[...]

[Zombie Cat.]

Lovelock: Much cuter than I would expect a zombie cat to look.

Starkwell: If a truck actually hit that cat, I think it would have exploded.

[...]

[Flashback to Wife Lady and her monster sister Zelda.]

Starkwell: Well, I’m not eating supper tonight.

Lovelock: Just tonight?  I think that ruined my week.

[...]

[Kid dies by truck.  At the funeral Father in Law punches Doctor Louis, coffin falls over.]

Starkwell: I would straight up kill the Father-in-Law.

Lovelock: I don’t know, he has a point, who the hell was watching the kid?

Starkwell: Dude…

Lovelock: Anyways, how could there be anything in the coffin?  Wouldn’t the kid have blown up when that truck hit him?

Starkwell: Dude!?!

Lovelock: Man, that’s what you said about the cat.

[...]

I lost track of what they were saying, because Old Man Jud started telling the story of Timmy Baterman and Lovelock started making jokes about Timmy Baterman could have a butler who would have to call him Master Baterman.

[...]

[Daughter tells Wife Lady about her PAX COW dream.]

Starkwell: So, she hears 'Pax Cow' and figures out everything?

Lovelock: Meanwhile the Doctor Stupid brings his surprisingly intact dead child to the MicMac burial ground… AGAINST ALL WARNINGS.

[...]

Wife Lady passed a neon lobster sign and spent the next five minutes talking about Maine lobster.  Meanwhile “boys have a penis” kid comes back and starts tearing the place up, much to everyone’s delight.  When he offs Old Man Jud, Lovelock readily admit that he “totally breaks my unwritten rule that zombie children can’t be cool.”

[...]

[Wife Lady sees Zelda.]

Starkwell: Please… no more of the disgusting sickly tranny sister from the past…

Lovelock: Seriously… Oh wait, it’s just Zombie Kid… SCALPELLED!

[...]

Doctor Moron grabbed the cat and injected him with something, and it is clear that it’s a real cat that they hopefully just tranquilized.  After finding, killing and burning his psychotic super powered evil zombie kid, he decides that it’s STILL a good idea to bury his wife in the MicMac Paddywhack, thus making him one of the dumbest characters ever.  Depressing ending, roll credits, Starkwell and Lovelock agree, great movie, if you really want to feel like shit.  Thanks a lot, Stephen King. 

[...]

Lovelock: Ew!  He totally slipped her the tongue and got eyeball puss all in his mouth.

Zombies of Mass Destruction.

“Zombies of Mass Destruction” might be the dumbest movie title that I have heard in a long time.  On top of that, the box for this 2009 zombie entry displays a quote that makes a comparison to “Shaun of the Dead”, which only raises the bar much higher than this film can likely go.  Luckily, Lovelock and Starkwell never judge books by their covers, and sit patiently waiting for me to play the damn movie.

[...]

[Blind guy pokes a beached zombie and gets eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never poke things with my blind guy walking stick.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

As the not-so-subtle political agenda of the film unfolds in a rather 'in your face' fashion, Starkwell can’t help but notice the above average quality of the dialogue and acting.  Lovelock is just writing down a list of characters he can’t wait to see get killed.  It’s already a fairly long list.

[...]

[Tom’s Mom was bitten earlier that day.]

Starkwell: Well, don’t get too attached to the mom…

Lovelock: Thankfully!  She was definitely already on my short list.

[...]

Lovelock was about to write ‘Singer-Songwriter Boyfriend Guy named Derek’ on his list a SECOND time, but then he was eaten REAL HARD and Lovelock’s list burst into confetti.

[...]

[Mom’s eyeball pops out and she eats it.]

Starkwell: That eyeball gag felt a bit forced.

Lovelock: 'Forced eyeball gag' trumps 'no eyeball gag'.  Film one, Starkwell zero.

[...]

[White Trash Dad interrogates and tortures Iranian-American Frida because he thinks she is a terrorist.]

Starkwell: Wait… he’s originally from Canada?

Lovelock: That a Canadian would behave like that might be the most unrealistic part of this movie so far.

[...]

Zombie mayhem continued and our heroes (the gay couple) end up stuck in the church with nutty people.  Pastor Crazybrain gives a sermon to a few crusty old people on how liberal pro-choice homos brought on Judgement Day.  Lovelock and Starkwell weren’t sure whether to laugh, cry, or ask for fast forward to be pressed.  Somewhere in between Tom and Lance escaping the Church’s De-Gaying machine, Mayor Zombie eating Pastor Crazybrain and the Pacifist Teacher Lady becoming trigger happy, I distinctly heard Starkwell ask “are we there yet?”

[...]

[National Guard comes, quarantine ends, life is normal again.]

Starkwell: That is the worst looking soldier I’ve ever seen.  Why did they put “29 Weeks Later”?

Lovelock: I know.  It kind of makes the whole movie feel like a Weird Al song.

Starkwell: The villagers aren't really making a very big deal out of the fact that it’s all over and done…

Lovelock: Oh, I don’t know, I mean, they made t-shirts…

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock found this movie to be perfectly adequate.  That is all.  Better than most, much worse than lots, fairly okay in general.

Messiah of Evil.

Not much for me to say about this except that the writer/director husband/wife team of Willard Huyck and Gloria Katz went on to write “American Graffiti”, “Best Defense”, “Temple of Doom” and “Howard the Duck”.  While Lovelock is already wondering whether or not this film will also have featured duck boobies, Starkwell is intrigued by the eclectic omelet of seemingly capable writing that the couple has done, and looks forward to this early egg.  All thanks to Mill Creek’s never ending supply of 50 in 1 movie packs!

[...]

[Opening scene is totally confusing, and with horrifying music.]

Starkwell: Do you think the music is meant to scare us?

Lovelock: What is that guy shooting at?

Starkwell: Why isn’t she scared?

Lovelock: Is that the screaming girl from the hallway?

[...]

I had to stop writing down the conversation at this point, because hey just kept asking questions to which there were no clear answers.

[...]

[Gas Station attendant dies.]

Starkwell: Wait, what happened?

Lovelock: It looks like the lights went out and he tripped and fell into some red paint.

[...]

After that brief interlude of implied carnage and bright red blood, they resumed asking questions incessantly.  Here are some that stuck out.

[...]

Starkwell: Who stuffs their dog?

[...]

Lovelock: Was that old lady slipping that guy some skin?

[...]

Starkwell: Does she always wear the same thing, or is this the same day?

Lovelock: Maybe she's a super hero?

Starkwell: What's her super power?

Lovelock: Makes any scene boring.

[...]

Lovelock: What exactly is she rubbing on them ol’ boobies?

[...]

The more the questions started piling up, the more the film started to creep them out… in a way.  There’s something eerie about anything that raises this many questions.  They then started to think, nay worry, that the awkward cuts and nonsensical plot development were actually part of some sort of deliberate game, meant to mess with their heads.  They continued to ask questions, but they began to take on a much more sinister and paranoid tone.

[...]

[Main Character lets Tom and the Naked Harem stay at her father’s insane arty boathouse thing.]

Starkwell: Why would she just let them stay there?

Lovelock: Why would she stay there?

Starkwell: 'Messiah of Evil', what are you doing to us?!?!??!

[...]

Then there was the most ridiculously awkward “seduction” scene, where Peeping Tom hugs the main character while she wears a flesh tone outfit.  Numerous times, both Starkwell and Lovelock made comments about how the music never makes any sense, and mostly just makes them feel uncomfortable and stressed.  Then Starkwell wondered if that was the point, and Lovelock’s mind was blown.

[...]

[Creepy Albino guy eats a rat.]

Starkwell: Seems like a logical choice.

Lovelock: Do you mean for the Albino character, or for the progression of the story?

Starkwell: Both.  Also, neither.

[...]

Then there was a grocery store scene that involved a mob of zombies, a girl being eaten, and, well, jazz fusion.  It ended abruptly and cut to, as usual with this fucking movie, a shot of the ocean.  The movie started to get weirder, and make even less sense, and I believe Lovelock said “I’m FREAKING OUT, MAN!!!!!!” and ran out of the room.  He ran back in when he heard Starkwell say “Nice hat!” out loud.  He ran back out again when the main character's monologues started up again.

[...]

[Girl goes to the movies, theatre slowly fills up with zombies.]

Starkwell: I kind of wish we were watching the Western that she is watching.

Lovelock: Aw, just fucking eat her already!

Starkwell: You’re back?

Lovelock: Hooray!  They ate her!

Starkwell: Wait, did they eat her, or did she just get ketchup on her hand?

Lovelock: The screaming face shots suggest death, but the background music screams interpretive dance.

[...]

Then the movie got even weirder, and more incoherent, and Starkwell and Lovelock both looked legitimately terrified.  I don’t know if they are scared of the film’s content, or just the film itself.  It’s a subtle distinction, but an important one.  When I asked them which it was, they just told me that I wouldn’t understand and to make it stop.  Then there was a cowboy flashback scene narrated by the girl’s zombie father, and Lovelock started crying.  Zombie Father then tried to eat his Daughter and Starkwell closed his eyes and covered his ears.  But, this was mostly because the soundtrack was about as irritating as sandpaper to the testicles.

[...]

Starkwell: What part did you hate the most?

Lovelock: When she threw up bugs and lizards… you?

Starkwell: Oh good one… I’d say Homeless Guy Monologue scene.

[...]

The movie ended and, believe it or not, it got even more nonsensical.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock just sat there, passionately hating this movie.  In a way, this movie is amazing, surreal, inventive and ahead of it’s time.  In another more accurate way, it’s a complete turd.  Flush.

Dead Snow.

It’s not often that I get the chance to have a look at what Norwegian horror cinema is all about.  So, given the opportunity to show 2009’s “Dead Snow” to Lovelock and Starkwell, needless to say, I jumped at the aforementioned opportunity.  Along with “Outpost”, this is one of the fewer recent Nazi Zombie movies that I can think of, and promises to be a lot of fun, even if Lovelock is already complaining about the subtitles, before we’ve even hit play.

[...]

[Girl runs through snowy woods, away from some kind of monster.]

Starkwell: It’s been a while since I’ve seen a good Day for Night shot.

Lovelock: Shhhh… The Nazis are trying to have a meal.

[...]

There was a scene where the characters were talking about horror films, which sparked a debate between Starkwell and Lovelock about whether or not it is okay to directly reference films inside a film.  I honestly don’t know who won, or who was on which side, but at one point someone said that “the minute you reference something, you open yourself up to comparison and that can barely ever be good for you.”

[...]

[Blondie sees something in the woods, creepy old guy tells them Nazi story.]

Lovelock: [nervous fart…………]

Starkwell: This film manages to mix together so many terrifying things.  Night time, the woods, snow and cold, Nazis, zombies and all set in a cabin in the middle of nowhere.  Even the language sounds creepy.

Lovelock: Seriously, it sounds like a backwards record.  That’s how monsters sound in my nightmares.

[...]

[Guys race down hill on a GT Snow Racer.]

Lovelock: I hated the GT Snow Racer kids.  Where’s the challenge when you can steer like that?

Starkwell: Tobogganing is supposed to be a challenge?

Lovelock: You wouldn’t understand. 

[...]

[Guy follows footprints and falls into a pit.]

Lovelock: That’s why when I see bloody footprints leading away from a dead body, I don’t follow them.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why. 

[...]

[Girl follows Fat Dude into the outhouse and screws him.]

Starkwell: He just finished wiping his ass and she hops on for a ride?

Lovelock: I feel nauseous.

[After the hump, she falls into the shit hole.  Lovelock pukes.]

[...]

Then the horror action picked up at top speed.  I think at one point after Fat Dude’s head was ripped in half, Lovelock said “That’s what I’m talking about!” Once the Nazi Zombies started making their fully lit daytime appearances, and the characters began squaring off with them, there was little for Starkwell and Lovelock to do except sit and marvel at the impressively horrifying Nazi zombies, the massive amounts of gore, and the remarkably effective use of color.

[...]

Starkwell: Something else scary to add to the list… buried alive.

[...]

[Montage of zombie kills.]

Starkwell: Interesting musical choice.

Lovelock: Maybe this is the Norwegian version of “Takin’ Care of Business”.

[...]

Do they reference famous films? Yes.  Is it worthy to make those references? Absolutely it is.  I feel like people will reference this movie in twenty years.  Lovelock and Starkwell have both agreed that the Nazi Zombie genre is alive and well, at least for the length of this glorious film.  Also, when the ending credits started, I think that Lovelock’s head full exploded.