Teenage Zombies.

In the late 1950s, a man, a writer and director named Jerry Warren, set out to make his own statement about communism and whatnot, in his 1959 motion picture “Teenage Zombies.”  Well, I read off the internet that it’s about communism.  Lovelock hopes it’s about zombies.  Starkwell hopes it isn’t too long.  This film is packaged with three others on this disc.  This means that it probably isn’t very long, or very good.  As I hit play, both Starkwell and Lovelock are astonished at how bad the print looks.

[...]

[Out for a routine waterskiing session, teenagers find an island.]

Lovelock: The music certainly makes me think something crazy is about to happen.

Starkwell: Wait, they were out waterskiing in those outfits?

[...]

[Teenagers see hobbling people.]

Starkwell: How could their first guess be that they are walking dead?

Lovelock: He said doped or dead… I mean, his first suspicion was still wacky tabacky.

[...]

Considering the film’s short runtime, Starkwell was surprised how much screen time is eaten up with footage of them walking on the beach looking for their boat.  But the long trek did end with a pretty sweet looking zombie.

[...]

[They hear girls screaming.]

Starkwell: The zombie kind of looks like Super Mario.

Lovelock: It’s just Mario.  Super is more like a general way to describe him.  You know like, “man, that’s one super Mario.”

Starkwell: If you say so.

[...]

[Soda shop owner takes Dufus and Dotty to look for Water Ski Gang.]

Starkwell: Why would the soda shop guy take such an interest in their lives?

Lovelock: It was a different time, back then.

Starkwell: So the cops couldn’t find the island, but Dufus and Dotty steal Walt’s boat and find it immediately?

Lovelock: They didn’t steal it.  They just borrowed it, I’m sure Walt won’t mind.  Anyways, you need to be a teenager to think like a teenager…  After all, like Dufus said, “They just went water skiing, no special direction!”

Starkwell: This movie has no special direction.

[...]

The two seemed bored.  Nothing was happening.  They had a little excitement when the MILL CREEK ENTERTAINMENT logo randomly appeared in the bottom right corner for a couple of minutes.  But, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t part of the original film.

[...]

Lovelock: J.J. Abrams totally ripped this off when he created “Lost”.

Starkwell: Are you for real?

[...]

[Mad Scientist in evening gown gasses a guy in a gorilla suit.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …

[...]

Starkwell: What kind of army colonel has curtains like that in his office?

Lovelock: Ones that are filmed in the director’s house.

[...]

[Guys break out then try to get the girls’ cell open.]

Starkwell: The main character was wearing a t-shirt before, now he is in a long-sleeve…

Lovelock: He has his sleeves rolled up.  Close enough.

[The guys leave the girls behind.]

Starkwell: Wow.  It really was a different time.

Lovelock: Whatever.  Those dames were just going to hold them back.  You can’t trust a skirt to make a clean getaway.

Starkwell: Hey, it’s a t-shirt again!

[...]

The main guys make a plan to build a raft, while skipping stones at the beach.  I think they really hate the girls, as they pretty much tell them to shut up and get some sleep.  Starkwell and Lovleock had mostly run out of things to say.  Unless you count “are we there yet?”

[...]

[The detective is in on it.]

Lovelock: Well, that explains everything.

Starkwell: No, no it doesn’t.  I think that just makes it more confusing.

[...]

Well, after teenagers turning into zombies and then back to normal again, they get away thanks to a zombie gorilla.  The teenagers saved America, apparently, and everything is back to normal.  Except the guy’s t-shirt which is long sleeve again.  Dufus suggests that they go horse back riding, and for some reason they all chase him out of the police station kicking him in the ass.  Then, the movie ends.  The real tragedy in all of this is that Starkwell and Lovelock can’t get their seventy-five minutes back.

Land of the Dead.

Considering he invented this shit, you would think people would have a little more respect for his more recent work.  Is it all as bad as people say?  Has he become a mockery of himself?  Let us, myself, along with Starkwell and Lovelock, find out.  This copy of George A. Romero’s 2005 return to the genre “Land of the Dead” came as a two disc set along with the Zack Snyder “Dawn of the Dead” remake.  It’s an extended uncut version not seen in theaters.  But we didn’t see it in the theaters anyways.

[...]

[Anytown U.S.A., the zombies are everywhere.]

Starkwell: Zombies playing tuba and trombone?

Lovelock: More like the Band of the Dead…

Starkwell: While it is refreshing to see slow walkers… communicating and thinking zombies?  I don’t know.

Lovelock: If Romero says they can, then they can.

Starkwell: Zombies like fireworks?

Lovelock: If Romero says they do, then they do.

Starkwell: Zombies have feelings?

Lovelock: If Romero says… aw fuck, I don’t know… I’m a little scared now.

Starkwell: Zombie using guns?

Lovelock: We may be witnessing another “Phantom Menace” here…

[...]

As worried as they were, the movie showed great promise, it had solid acting, and the type of proper zombie action that we all know and love.  It also had good characters, which is usually one major player that separates good zombie movies from terribly shitty ones.  The one bad part about the characters is that, as Starkwell noted, they all have “the dumbest fucking names I’ve ever heard.”

[...]

[Futuristic slums and anarchy.]

Lovelock: I think that in the future, the important slum lords wear hats.

Starkwell: It does sort of seem like that happens a lot.

Lovelock: Also, the women wear fishnet stockings and DON’T look inbred AT ALL.

[...]

[Puppet show.]

Starkwell: Did they just say zombie? They’re not supposed to say zombie.

Lovelock: Weak.

[...]

[Cholo asks for money…]

Starkwell: How is it possible that there is still money?  Why would it still be useful?

Lovelock: Maybe when he says ‘Five million dollars’ he really means ‘LOTS OF SANDWICHES.’

[...]

At one point they introduce three new characters for no reason.  Each is more ridiculous than the one before.  One actually says “call me Motown.”  I wish I was joking about that.  Lovelock said “I’ll just call you lame, and hopefully a few scenes from now, dead.”

[...]

[Kaufman gives a speech to his board of directors.]

Starkwell: Dennis Hopper kind of phoned this one in.

Lovelock: Why is there always a character that has a pet rat?

Starkwell: Also, he rides a skateboard.

[...]

[Zombies emerge from the water.]

Starkwell: Why would they be taking a breath?

Lovelock: Most likely for the same reason that it was necessary to show two women making out.

[...]

[Fat Hawaiian punches girl out.]

Starkwell: How about a nice Hawaiian punch?!?

Lovelock: Call me Motown.

[...]

[Motown gets eaten.]

Starkwell: Call me Motown.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock went quiet for a while, as the action picked up and the gore levels went off the charts.  They both yelled out “TOM SAVINI” at one point.  For no real reason, they repeated “Call me Motown” a few times as well.

[...]

[Zombies kill restaurant goers.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never sit on the terrace.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well also, sometimes there are people smoking out there.

[...]

[Main African American zombie looks all intense and shit.]

Lovelock: Romero may as well have given him the ability to say stuff like “Damn” and “Bitch, please” and “Aw hell no!”

Starkwell: It would certainly be less annoying than that moan of his.

[...]

Look, the movie has its problems, but Starkwell and Lovelock both approve of the film.  It has some great ideas, and although not all were executed perfectly, the movie is an overall success, even if the zombies learn how to feel and make car bombs and shit.

Buttcrack.

I tried to protect Lovelock and Starkwell from Troma as long as I could, but the time has finally come to expose them to that special brand of beast, the Troma film.  And what a way to introduce them to it!  1998’s Buttcrack, by one-time-only writer-director Jim Larsen!  On the plus side, the film features one of my favorite rockers of all time, Mojo Nixon.  On the down side, this will likely not help the movie much, and may only succeed in tarnishing my opinion of him, like when I found out Beck was into Scientology, or that Prince was completely insane.  The DVD starts with that signature Troma intro that makes me a little queasy, and we get this show on the road.  Scratch that, we have not yet gotten it on to the proverbial road, as Lloyd Kaufman has decided to come on and introduce the movie, and talk forever.

[...]

[Guy in loudest shirt ever wants to propose to his girlfriend.]

Starkwell: You might want to change that shirt before you propose.

Lovelock: I don’t know.  If she says yes to that shirt, then you know she’s in for the long haul.

[...]

[Fat roommate keeps interrupting their evening.]

Lovelock: What was his plan… have sex on the couch with the roommate playing Atari in the background, and then propose?

Starkwell: I think guys that dress like that don’t make good plans, in general.

[...]

At first the random nonsensical songs that the fat guy Wade would burst into were pissing Starkwell and Lovelock off.  But about ten minutes in, they couldn’t get enough of him and his singing, and even started repeating what he was singing... And his t-shirts are out of control.  He might be the only good thing in the movie so far, except for random Mojo songs periodically playing in the background.

[...]

Lovelock: I think they found the cast waiting in line at the DMV.

Starkwell: Where?

Lovelock: Somewhere awful.  Somewhere where they don't have good movies.  Somewhere where people hate movies.  Somewhere where people hate life.  

[...]

[Wade interrupts again.]

Starkwell: Who pukes from looking at a butt crack?

Lovelock: The type of woman who falls in love with dudes that look like the least popular kids at Degrassi.

Starkwell: I kind of agree with what Wade has to say.  Brian sucks.

Lovelock: Seriously, the whole movie should just be Wade making fun of people for being “pervoes”.

[Wade dies.]

Lovelock: Well, there goes that idea.

[...]

Mojo does a decent job playing an insane preacher, but it’s not enough to stop Starkwell and Lovelock from hoping for a power failure. I should probably mention that nothing has happened, and there is no sign that anything will happen.

[...]

[Characters feel guilty, for one second, but then start basically saying that they’re glad he’s dead and dance.]

Starkwell: The director might have been smart to cover up her acne before going in for the extreme close-up. Or, don’t use a close-up.

Lovelock: Maybe he’s trying to symbolize that she isn’t perfect.

Starkwell: Yeah well, we can see that from far away.

[...]

After the fourth or fifth time that the film faded to black between scenes, Starkwell started to wonder if those were meant to be commercial breaks.  Lovelock then said that he could “go for a commercial break.”  Starkwell agreed, adding that “most Folgers commercials have better stories.”

[...]

[Preacher marries the two main characters and they “get the party goin’”.  With a boombox.]

Starkwell: They’re all dancing to a different rythym.

Lovelock: It’s the late nineties and he still is listening to cassette tapes.

Starkwell: Where would he even get tapes?

Lovelock: The same place he gets his clothes.

Starkwell: The same place Wade go his Atari.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock weren’t paying much attention anymore, but kept repeating the line “CHURN THE MILK AND MAKE IT BUTTER.”  They seem happy that Wade is back.  But it was short lived and they got bored very fast again.  Lovelock perked up because of a sweet shovel smack to Wade's head, but that too, was short lived.  The bad news is that there is only fifteen minutes left, and there isn’t a zombie in sight.  The good news is that there is only fifteen minutes left.

[...]

[TWIST ENDING.]

Starkwell: Why would a grown man visit a graveyard with his old parents?

Lovelock: Hopefully to get killed.

Starkwell: Oh look! Bloopers during the credits!  Just like a real movie!

[...]

Thank you, Troma, for another piece of shit.  Fuck this movie.  Shame on you, Mojo.  Considering that you once referenced “Vanishing Point” in a song, I would have thought you would have had the sense to not be in this.  On the bright side, the film’s special features include a live performance by Mojo, which, as Lovelock said, “is worth at least one dollar out of the TOO MANY dollars that this thing cost.”

Return of the Evil Dead.

Since we know that the first movie in the series ends on an extreme downer, with the implication that the world is about to end, I think it is safe to assume that, although this is technically a sequel, it’s more that it just uses the same world, with the same Blind Dead.  I don’t think that we’re about to pick up where we left off.  In this 1973 Amando De Ossorio epic, we will see if the "Return of the Evil Dead" can meet the standard that the "Tombs of the Blind Dead" set.  Another Blue Underground release which once again seems like a very good print… and it looks like they will need to read subtitles again.  It looks as though the direct translation would be “the return of the dead without eyes”.  Sounds like fun.

[...]

[Small village in Portugal, people are gathering and decorating the village for The Burning Festival, tom commemorate when they burn some knights alive, after setting fire to their eyes.  Then some kids throw rocks at a mentally challenged guy, and then kick him on the ground.]

Starkwell: They seem to have an endless supply of rocks.

Lovelock: They probably spent the morning gathering them, waiting for Murdo to peak his head around that corner.

[...]

[They get a beer at the bar.]

Lovelock: That is the most head I have ever seen on a beer.

Starkwell: I honestly thought it was a glass of milk.

[...]

[Murdo hides behind a rock and watches couple go at it, gets caught.]

Starkwell: They don’t seem to mind that he was peeping on them.

Lovelock: The way this village is run, I’m surprised they didn’t torch his eyes.

Starkwell: Or throw a sack full of rocks at him.

[...]

[Templars torture and sacrifice woman.]

Starkwell: Why do the Templars always cut open the boobies?

Lovelock: That’s where the best blood is.  Also the director probably likes showing boobies.

[...]

[Murdo cuts some boobies of his own to bring the Blind Dead back.]

Starkwell: Alright, I take back everything that I said.  Those kids were right to throw rocks at him.

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t trust the mentally challenged.

Starkwell: That is hands down the worst thing you’ve ever said.  And yeah, that's why.

Lovelock: In Portugal, men dance like ladies and have purses.

Starkwell: Maybe that's only during the burning festival.

[...]

As the blind dead start emerging from their tombs, we all remembered why the first movie was so cool.  The Templars look frightening as hell and the combination of the effective cinematography and the chilling soundtrack make their introduction in this movie just as startling as the first time around.  Then the Templars trample Murdo, because even evil undead knights hate that goofy bastard.

[...]

[Right after a quickie, Blonde Bimbo hears a knock at the door.]

Starkwell: Why on earth would the Blind Dead knock at the door?

Lovelock: Because they can’t see where the bell is…

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: It’s the polite thing to do?

Starkwell: But they’re here for revenge.

Lovelock: Just because they’re vengeful, doesn't mean they're rude.  Shame on you.

[...]

Then there was the best “arm comes out from nowhere and grabs guy” gag ever, followed by a slow-motion horse chase scene shot in total DAY FOR NIGHT.

[...]

[Flyboy and Weirdface make a getaway.]

Starkwell: That car looks like one of those cars made for children.

Lovelock: Power wheels?  Man, the kids that actually had those were the worst.

[...]

[The Police Commissioner puts on sunglasses to get a better look at a girl’s ass through her nighty, and then plays charades with her while ignoring the townspeople’s phone call for help.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …

[...]

At one point I couldn’t hear much except laughter, since, when the Templars came to kill the townspeople, we were shown about seventeen hundred shots of the Templars slowly walking through doors that we assume lead to places filled with people.  It looked insane.  No kill shots.  Just the Blind Dead walking into doors followed by screams.  For at least a million minutes.

[...]

[Townspeople get ready for the Templars.]

Starkwell: Pitchforks?  It’s the 1970s…  Is that the best they can do?

Lovelock: That’s a downgrade from the torches they had hundreds of years earlier.

Starkwell: Well, it doesn’t seem to be going as well this time.

Lovelock: This is totally where they got the idea for “Braveheart”.

Starkwell: Not sure what to make of that one.

[...]

[Townspeople start using fireworks like grenades.  Some townies make a getaway with Flyboy in his car.]

Starkwell: So, they were burned alive and returned hundreds of years later, but a Bottle Rocket can take one of them down?

Lovelock: POW POW POWER WHEELS. POW POW POWER WHEELS.

Starkwell: I bet they feel pretty silly for having punched Flyboy around earlier.

Lovelock: Soon, they’ll all be laughing at the hilarious misunderstanding. 

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure that soon, they’ll all be dead.

Lovelock: I hope so.

[...]

[Evil Mustache Duncan attempts to use young girl as bait to get around the Templars.]

Starkwell: I can’t believe he actually asked if she wanted candy.  And it worked.

Lovelock: Textbook.

Starkwell: Well, it didn’t work work… He still got super stabbed.

Lovelock: Textbook.

[...]

[Murdo peaks his head out of a hole, the Templars chop it off.  Blondie follows.]

Starkwell: So she sees his head chopped off, and decides to stick her head out the same hole?

Lovelock: I don’t think she was known in the village for her brains.

[...]

[Scarfy tried to rape Weirdface and gets killed by Flyboy.]

Starkwell: Why can’t we ever make it through one of these without a scene like that?

Lovelock: Probably the same reason we can’t make it through without seeing a booby cutting scene.

[...]

Although the ending is oddly positive for this one, it still left a bit of a sour taste in the mouths of Starkwell and Lovelock.  Thankfully there are two more films in the series to try and bring us back to the heights of the original.  As the Templars randomly deflate at the end, I can’t help but feel like our hopes for recapturing the magic of the first one has deflated a little as well.

Severed.

Having already said my spiel about Canadian productions, I will simply say that the idea of a zombie film set in the Canadian forest, with like lumberjacks, sounds pretty cool.  I know that this low-budget 2005 picture probably won’t re-invent the wheel, but regardless, I think it’s only fair that we give it a good old fashioned Starkwell and Lovelock try.  This DVD was packaged together with two other similar genre films.  Usually when a distributor bundles discs together, it’s because they can’t seem to unload them on their own.  Not really a good sign, but considering the price tag, how can we lose?  Well, I can think of a few ways.

[...]

[Activists have camp set up outside of deforestation operation.]

Starkwell: Occupy British Columbia.

[...]

It is clear that this movie is going to have a Green agenda, given that the trees bleed, seem to fight back and that the film is implying that pure evil emerges from the destruction of said old trees.  Lovelock and Starkwell seem happy with the message and the premise, Lovelock even stated that he is “fine with hippies so long as we don’t have to smell them.”  Starkwell noted how impressive the filming location looked and that the logging operation offered “great potential for saw-based kills.”

[...]

[Many loggers and protesters have become zombies or been eaten.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t get involved.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[Nerds in lab make nerdy nerd joke, cuts himself, turns zombie.]

Lovelock: That’s what you get for making a bad joke!

Starkwell: So, you take comedy a little too seriously.

Lovelock: The punishment fits the crime.

Starkwell: Harsh.

[...]

[Gate is blocking the bridge out of there.]

Starkwell: They have an enormous pickup truck… why are they worried about a little gate?

[Truck gets stuck in mud.]

Starkwell: Oh.

Lovelock: That is the worst pickup truck ever.

Starkwell: That’s like anti-product placement…

Lovelock: Totally… I’ll never buy a Chevy.

[...]

[They find another camp full of crazy homicidal trigger-happy loggers.]

Starkwell: I think it’s safe to say that cabin fever has settled in to this camp.

Lovelock: That guy is totally on “Glee”.

Starkwell: Why do you know that?

Lovelock: Sadly, he’s not very gleeful in this.

Starkwell: Yeah, cabin fever isn't the same as Saturday night fever.

[...]

[Rita and Tyler kiss and do it and stuff.]

Starkwell: What about the current circumstances is making them feel all sexy?

Lovelock: Maybe it’s the fresh mountain air.

[...]

[Turns out that Rita Vegan-Granolahemp caused the whole thing, when she spiked the tree.]

Starkwell: So wait, is deforestation bad, or is protesting bad?

Lovelock: Both, I guess.

[...]

This is a shining example of how to make a cheap zombie movie properly.  It is cookie cutter without being completely unoriginal, low-budget without ever looking too cheap, and a lot of fun without ever being overly stupid.  Don’t get me wrong, this movie has many problems, but if more of the saturated zombie genre films from recent years were made with this much care, I’d have a lot more DVDs on my shelf, and Lovelock and Starkwell would never sleep again.

Tales From the Crypt.

There have been numerous mutations of Tales from the Crypt, but tonight we are watching the 1972 Freddie Francis film.  I’ve explained to Starkwell and Lovelock that not every segment will actually be about zombie(s).  They just looked at me, quite frustratingly, and said, “well then what’s the point?”  Hopefully we will find one.

[...]

[The first segment features a murderous Joan Collins.]

Starkwell: I guess by ’72 they still hadn’t figured out how to make blood look better than that.

Lovelock: Wait, she killed him?  I thought she spread red and orange paint on him.

Starkwell: Why would she do that?

Lovelock: Who knows what the British do for Christmas?

[...]

[The second segment features an adulterer leaving his wife and kids to run away with another woman.]

Starkwell: Oh, thank heavens it was only a dream.

Lovelock: Or was it?

Starkwell: Honestly, I really don’t know.

Lovelock: Or was it?

[...]

The third segment features an evil asshole young’un and Peter Cushing as on old crazy widower.  The asshole guy is so concerned with the value of his Dad’s property that he pretty much ruins the old man’s life, even though he already lost his wife.

[...]

[Peter Cushing hears from his wife via his Ouija Board.]

Lovelock: Dancer?

Starkwell: Danger, you idiot.

[...]

[Asshole sends the old man hate mail.  Old man hangs himself. And then, a year later… Peter. Cushing. As a zombie.]

Starkwell: What kind of a grown man spends every Valentine’s Day with his father?

Lovelock: A dead man!

Starkwell: Wow.  That’s a lot of orange-red paint.

[...]

[The fourth segment features a greedy woman and her magic wish granting statue, her husband dies when she wishes for money.  It gets worse from there.]

Lovelock: See that’s why I never use magic statues.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

[...]

[The fifth segment features an old military man taking over a home for old blind dudes, cutting corners, and making their living conditions much worse.]

Starkwell: I don’t know that it was necessary for the blind guys to take it out on the dog.

Lovelock: But now they’re rewarding him with a nice treat!

[...]

All of the segments featured people getting their comeuppance in some way, some form of poetic justice.  As a result, this was one of the most satisfying films I have seen in a very long time.  But as Lovelock said “yeah, but it’s not really a zombie movie, now is it?”  I think it counts.  Peter Cushing made it count.