Night of the Seagulls.

At last, I will present the final film in the “Blind Dead” series… Considering that they seem to have gotten progressively worse since the first film, Lovelock and Starkwell have lowered their expectations considerably.  This might help De Ossorio in turning this bitch around, in their eyes.

[...]

[A man and woman in a carriage, lost on the road, stop to check out a spooky house.]

Starkwell:  Why would you wear a veil and long sleeves if the chest area on the dress is so low that it shows nip?

Lovelock: Easier access for the Blind Dead Templars?

[Templars show up, kill the dude, bring the girl back to sacrifice her, but first they rip her dress open and expose her boobs.]

Starkwell: How did you know that was coming?

Lovelock: Have you not been watching the other three of these with me?

[Templars tear out her heart and eat her.]

Starkwell: I never understand why the flesh eaters in these movies always start with the breasts.

Lovelock: Because Eurotrash.

Starkwell: I guess.

Lovelock: Because the breasts are the most tenderest.

[...]

So it cuts back to present day, and essentially a doctor and his wife are moving to the town where the titty eating went on way back in them Dark Ages.  The locals don’t seem to like Doctor and Wife very much.  Doctor and Wife don’t seem to care much for the locals either.  Anyways, at this point, Lovelock and Starkwell are just waiting for things to go all ancient evil, and the Blind Templars to come back FOR BLOOD!

[...]

[Bells toll, Blind Dead rise.]

Lovelock: IT  TOLLS FOR THEE, BITCHES!

Starkwell: Alright, settle down.

Lovelock: They’re here!  They’re here!

[...]

Lovelock proceeded to dance for the next ten or so minutes, excited that the Blind Dead have returned.  They look as creepy as always.  Then the Doctor and Wife see the townsfolk gathering near the beach all dressed in black robes, chanting and bringing a girl all dressed in white… I assume for sacrifice.  I mean, they even tie her up to a rock.  It's all very metal.   The music too.

[...]

Starkwell: So… The good doctor sees that and just thinks “don’t worry honey, it must be some kind of local custom… villages are weird”?

[Templars show up on horses, murder the girl.]

Lovelock: Hooray!  Sacrifices, blind dead and DAY-FOR-NIGHT shots!  All is well in Lovelockland!

[...]

Then some girl shows up at the house, screaming, saying that she doesn’t want to go!  People THEN show up to pick her up and, the doctor gives her a sedative and lets her go with them.  She gets tied up at the beach.

[...]

Starkwell: “Here take this shot and feel better and now… yup, just go with the creepy people dressed in black robes… I’m sure they know what’s best for you.”

[Templars untie the girl.]

Lovelock: Wait… why are they untying her?  Are they letting her go?

[The Blind Dead bring her back to their layer, immediately tear open her dress and expose her breasts.]

Lovelock: Makes sense now.

Starkwell: I’m starting to feel like maybe, just maybe, the director is going out of his way to show some'a 'dem boobies.

[...]

Why in the Hell is this called “Night of the Seagulls”?

[...]

[Village Idiot helps the Doctor and Wife get to the bottom of this whole ‘beach ritual’ thing.]

Lovelock: No dude!  First rule of Fight Club!

Starkwell: The first rule of “Night of the Seagulls” is apparently to be boring as balls.

[Villagers throw Village Idiot on a pile of rocks, leave him for dead.]

Lovelock: He done broke the rules.

Starkwell: “Night of the Seagulls” is fully following the first rule of “Night of the Seagulls”.

[...]

It appears that right before the Blind Dead appear to grab their offering from the beach, a flock of seagulls is always seen.

[...]

Lovelock: This movie makes me want to run.  Run so far away.

Starkwell: I'll allow it.

[...]

Starkwell: Why do they bother clothing the Sacrifice Girls?  You’d think they would know all about the Blind Dead’s breast obsession by now.

Lovelock: "Come with us young lady. Leave your clothes.  You won't need them where you're going."

[...]

Village Idiot tells them that the seagulls are the damned spirits of the dead sacrificed girls.  The Doctor decides he wants to help tonight’s intended sacrifice.  He runs out onto the beach, frees the girl and they run away with the Blind Dead hot on their heels.  Well… maybe not hot.  More like tepid.  They actually lose them super easily.

[...]

[Blind Dead EVENTUALLY show up at their house and start bashing down the door… they start barricading the door.]

Starkwell: Why did they wait until the Templars showed up to start barricading the door?

[...]

True to form, the Blind Dead are the slowest killers in the history of film.  They actually seem even slower than usual in this one.  Maybe it’s just the film's boring nature that is making it seem slower.

[...]

Lovelock: The good news is, the Blind Dead still look great, and the music still rules.  The bad news is, EVERYTHING ELSE ABOUT THIS MOVIE BLOWS.

[...]

As if the film doesn’t move slow enough, a lot of this is shown in slow motion.  Anyways, the Doctor and Wife and Girl try to escape, they eventually destroy some kind of monkey idol in the Blind Dead’s castle and they all start falling down and shooting blood from their eye sockets, which is kind of an anti-climactic and lame way to end such a wonderful group of characters.  This film proved that the fourth film was indeed the third film in the series that quite honestly should not have been made.

The Ghost Galleon.

The year was 1974 and Amando De Ossorio wanted to add another chapter to his infamous Blind Dead series, so, probably, like all great directors, he thought to himself “Let’s put them on a boat.”  Ghost Pirates are cool, Zombie Pirates are cooler.  So hopefully the third instalment in the series lives up to the hype that I just gave this movie when explaining it to Starkwell and Lovelock.  If it doesn’t, then it will just be one more in the long line of shitty nautical zombie films.  Yeah “Zombie Lake”, I’m looking at you.

[...]

[Weird opening credits with demon skull and… CUT TO BIKINI MODELS.]

Starkwell: This is the least enthusiastic bikini photo shoot ever.

Lovelock: Well, the models do look like they were rounded up at the bus station, given a bunch of drugs and shoved into bikinis.

[...]

[We find out that Kathy the bikini model has gone on a top secret bikini photo shoot.]

Lovelock:  I guess those exist.

Starkwell:  What the fuck is going on?  This movie is insane.  Already.

[...]

[Apparently Kathy has been placed in the middle of the ocean on a raft as a part of some crazy marketing scheme for TUCKER’S SPORTING GOODS.]

Starkwell: I wonder if shit like that really happens.

Lovelock: Oh, totally.  I’m pretty sure Nike did it once with their Air Jordan shoes.

Starkwell: In the ocean?

Lovelock: Sure.  Why not?

[...]

[Girls in boat, Kathy and Lorena, get hit by old seemingly abandoned ship.  Lorena boards it with a grappling hook.]

Starkwell:  Who would board what looks like an old pirate ship to spend the night?

Lovelock: Spanish bikini models who accept top secret marketing missions to the middle of the ocean with no food or water.

[...]

The shots of the old pirate ship look like a toy boat floating in tub in a steamy dark bathroom, probably because it is.  Overall, though, the locations used in the film are pretty sweet so far.

[...]

[And then…]

Starkwell: Just once, I’d like to watch one of these Spanish movies and not have to see a rape scene, a rapist, a guy giving off rapey vibes, or awkward lesbian sex.

Lovelock: You should probably stop watching these movies then.

[...]

[Kathy on boat hears Lorena screaming from Pirate Boat.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never grappling hook onto old abandoned pirate ships.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well, that and scurvy.

[...]

Then there’s a scientist guy who gets mad at Tucker for suggesting that the girls saw fog when the SCIENTIFIC data suggests that there was no fog in the ocean that night.  But then, the very same scientist tells them about a GHOST SHIP that sails the water and that not everything can be explained by science.

[...]

Starkwell: “This is a serious science lab, I don’t have time for this nonsense…”  TWO MINUTES LATER “… Take me with you, I wanna see the haunted magic ship!”

Lovelock: Science looks like fun.  Make your own rules.

[...]

A little more than half an hour in and we see the Templars slowly rise from their tombs.  They look as cool as ever.  Lovelock and Starkwell gave the Blind Dead a standing ovation.

[...]

[Slowest chase ever, the Blind Dead chasing Kathy.]

Lovelock: It’s great to see the old gang back together.

Starkwell: Kind of makes me wish that the Blind Dead gang all had cool Blind Dead names, like Bones, Hoody No-Eyes, Random Beard, Jonesy or Captain Stretch.

[...]

Starkwell:  The characters seem to be taking the sight of a ghost ship rather well.  “Let’s board it.”  Seems dumb.  

Lovelock:  I’m sure it will turn out to be quite dumb.

[...]

Given that there is a solid twenty minutes in between Blind Dead appearances, and that the in between is mostly dimly lit shots of people moving slow, talking slow and being boring, Lovelock had to wake Starkwell when the Templars FINALLY decided to go after Noemi.

[...]

[Blind Dead kill Noemi.]

Starkwell:  That is, without a doubt, the longest, most boring, slow-moving and overacted death scene in the history of all the world.

Lovelock:  Well, at least she’s dead.

Starkwell: Fair enough.

[Blind Dead eat her recently cut off hand.]

Lovelock: Nice try, De Ossorio, but you lost at SLOWEST DEATH EVER.

[...]

Lovelock: I think this is where they got the idea for Scooby-Doo.

Starkwell: But there’s no dog.

Lovelock: He’s like the least important character in that show.

Starkwell: The dog is named Scooby-Doo.

Lovelock: All I’m saying is that I hope that at the end, they take the masks off the Blind Dead and find out that they’re actually the bikini models from the beginning.

[...]

[Starkwell got really mad at the movie when the Scientist used a burning cross to scare them back into their graves, but then IMMEDIATELY after that, the characters all thought, “How can we stop them?”]

Starkwell: Just flash a fucking burning cross in their face, it JUST worked.  FUCK YOU FUCKING MOVIE!!!!!

Lovelock: Ruh-Roh!

[...]

Then the movie wrapped up with the characters shooting the tombs into the water and then try to swim to shore.  What is worth mentioning is that the ship magically catches fire, and there was a shot of the ship burning, and it was the worst looking model I have ever seen.  Lovelock and Starkwell rewound about ten times to watch it over and over again, howling with laughter at the cheapness (or cheepnis, as Zappa would call it).  Somehow the Blind Dead end up in the real world on shore, and probably the whole earth is screwed.  

[...]

Starkwell: Worst of the series so far.

Lovelock: HANDS DOWN!

Starkwell: You agree?

Lovelock: Basically.  But mostly I said that because I want the Blind Dead to put their creepy skeleton hands down.  Why do they always have to hold them up like that?

Starkwell: Well, at least De Ossorio didn't show the Blind Dead cutting into a tit this time around.

Lovelock: I was just thinking to myself that this whole thing needed more sword into booby action.

[...]

The End.

Return of the Evil Dead.

Since we know that the first movie in the series ends on an extreme downer, with the implication that the world is about to end, I think it is safe to assume that, although this is technically a sequel, it’s more that it just uses the same world, with the same Blind Dead.  I don’t think that we’re about to pick up where we left off.  In this 1973 Amando De Ossorio epic, we will see if the "Return of the Evil Dead" can meet the standard that the "Tombs of the Blind Dead" set.  Another Blue Underground release which once again seems like a very good print… and it looks like they will need to read subtitles again.  It looks as though the direct translation would be “the return of the dead without eyes”.  Sounds like fun.

[...]

[Small village in Portugal, people are gathering and decorating the village for The Burning Festival, tom commemorate when they burn some knights alive, after setting fire to their eyes.  Then some kids throw rocks at a mentally challenged guy, and then kick him on the ground.]

Starkwell: They seem to have an endless supply of rocks.

Lovelock: They probably spent the morning gathering them, waiting for Murdo to peak his head around that corner.

[...]

[They get a beer at the bar.]

Lovelock: That is the most head I have ever seen on a beer.

Starkwell: I honestly thought it was a glass of milk.

[...]

[Murdo hides behind a rock and watches couple go at it, gets caught.]

Starkwell: They don’t seem to mind that he was peeping on them.

Lovelock: The way this village is run, I’m surprised they didn’t torch his eyes.

Starkwell: Or throw a sack full of rocks at him.

[...]

[Templars torture and sacrifice woman.]

Starkwell: Why do the Templars always cut open the boobies?

Lovelock: That’s where the best blood is.  Also the director probably likes showing boobies.

[...]

[Murdo cuts some boobies of his own to bring the Blind Dead back.]

Starkwell: Alright, I take back everything that I said.  Those kids were right to throw rocks at him.

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t trust the mentally challenged.

Starkwell: That is hands down the worst thing you’ve ever said.  And yeah, that's why.

Lovelock: In Portugal, men dance like ladies and have purses.

Starkwell: Maybe that's only during the burning festival.

[...]

As the blind dead start emerging from their tombs, we all remembered why the first movie was so cool.  The Templars look frightening as hell and the combination of the effective cinematography and the chilling soundtrack make their introduction in this movie just as startling as the first time around.  Then the Templars trample Murdo, because even evil undead knights hate that goofy bastard.

[...]

[Right after a quickie, Blonde Bimbo hears a knock at the door.]

Starkwell: Why on earth would the Blind Dead knock at the door?

Lovelock: Because they can’t see where the bell is…

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: It’s the polite thing to do?

Starkwell: But they’re here for revenge.

Lovelock: Just because they’re vengeful, doesn't mean they're rude.  Shame on you.

[...]

Then there was the best “arm comes out from nowhere and grabs guy” gag ever, followed by a slow-motion horse chase scene shot in total DAY FOR NIGHT.

[...]

[Flyboy and Weirdface make a getaway.]

Starkwell: That car looks like one of those cars made for children.

Lovelock: Power wheels?  Man, the kids that actually had those were the worst.

[...]

[The Police Commissioner puts on sunglasses to get a better look at a girl’s ass through her nighty, and then plays charades with her while ignoring the townspeople’s phone call for help.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …

[...]

At one point I couldn’t hear much except laughter, since, when the Templars came to kill the townspeople, we were shown about seventeen hundred shots of the Templars slowly walking through doors that we assume lead to places filled with people.  It looked insane.  No kill shots.  Just the Blind Dead walking into doors followed by screams.  For at least a million minutes.

[...]

[Townspeople get ready for the Templars.]

Starkwell: Pitchforks?  It’s the 1970s…  Is that the best they can do?

Lovelock: That’s a downgrade from the torches they had hundreds of years earlier.

Starkwell: Well, it doesn’t seem to be going as well this time.

Lovelock: This is totally where they got the idea for “Braveheart”.

Starkwell: Not sure what to make of that one.

[...]

[Townspeople start using fireworks like grenades.  Some townies make a getaway with Flyboy in his car.]

Starkwell: So, they were burned alive and returned hundreds of years later, but a Bottle Rocket can take one of them down?

Lovelock: POW POW POWER WHEELS. POW POW POWER WHEELS.

Starkwell: I bet they feel pretty silly for having punched Flyboy around earlier.

Lovelock: Soon, they’ll all be laughing at the hilarious misunderstanding. 

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure that soon, they’ll all be dead.

Lovelock: I hope so.

[...]

[Evil Mustache Duncan attempts to use young girl as bait to get around the Templars.]

Starkwell: I can’t believe he actually asked if she wanted candy.  And it worked.

Lovelock: Textbook.

Starkwell: Well, it didn’t work work… He still got super stabbed.

Lovelock: Textbook.

[...]

[Murdo peaks his head out of a hole, the Templars chop it off.  Blondie follows.]

Starkwell: So she sees his head chopped off, and decides to stick her head out the same hole?

Lovelock: I don’t think she was known in the village for her brains.

[...]

[Scarfy tried to rape Weirdface and gets killed by Flyboy.]

Starkwell: Why can’t we ever make it through one of these without a scene like that?

Lovelock: Probably the same reason we can’t make it through without seeing a booby cutting scene.

[...]

Although the ending is oddly positive for this one, it still left a bit of a sour taste in the mouths of Starkwell and Lovelock.  Thankfully there are two more films in the series to try and bring us back to the heights of the original.  As the Templars randomly deflate at the end, I can’t help but feel like our hopes for recapturing the magic of the first one has deflated a little as well.

Tombs of the Blind Dead.

The year was 1971, the country was Spain, the film, “Tombs of the Blind Dead”.  Writer / Director Amando de Ossorio’s first in a series of “Blind Dead” films is flying towards my face, eyes and nose out of a portable DVD player, and all thanks to another lovely release from Blue Underground.  I am faced with the decision of whether I want to watch it in English, or in Spanish.  Lovelock hates to read, but everyone unanimously hates bad dubbing, except for special cases like “Aces Go Places” a.k.a. “Mad Mission”.  But that's a whole other discussion.  From what I understand, there are HUGE differences between the English and Spanish versions, more than just language.  Since we’re purists, let’s go original.  Moving right along, let’s get this show on the road.

[...]

[The opening credits are filled with creepy music and sound effects.  It looks like it was filmed after the end of the world, and then suddenly zombie hand!  And SCREAM!]

Lovelock: And now we will forever remember the story of how I shit my pants during a movie’s opening credits.

[...]

I just realized that although it’s a Spanish movie, that half naked actress is clearly speaking in English.

[...]

[The two women talk and flashback to when they lived together in a dorm room.]

Starkwell: Of course.  First, they’re brushing their hair and slow dancing together in their night gowns.  And then they make out and touch each other all over.  That’s what always happens in all dorms.

Lovelock: In Spain? Probably.  I hope there’s a pillow fight or tickle fight coming up.

[...]

[Virginia jumps off the train in hot pants, jealous of her once lesbian lover’s current interest in men.]

Starkwell: It's the middle of nowhere! She doesn’t even know where she is.  Not much of a planner. 

Lovelock: If you can jump off of a moving train in heels and short denim shorts and walk away clean, you don’t need plans.

[...]

[She wanders into the sketchy abandoned ruins of some kind of medieval town.]

Starkwell: How many squeaky doors does she have to open before something is going to happen?

Lovelock: She just wants to make sure that it’s safe to make a fire.  And take off all of her clothes.  For some reason.

Starkwell: Who needs food, water, or a plan for making it back to civilization when you’ve got a little radio playing bad jazz and a good book to read by the fire?

Lovelock: That radio has pretty good reception for the middle of nowhere.

[...]

Then the dead rose up out of their tombs, and began riding on their horses.  I suspended my disbelief long enough to not wonder where the damn horses came from, since it was remarkably well shot and lit, and the effects were, well, effective.  Lovelock and Starkwell couldn’t do anything but sit in terrified silence as the Undead Knights chased after Virginia at an agonizingly slow pace.

[...]

[Well, Virginia’s dead.]

Lovelock: Well, Virginia’s dead.

[...]

[Roger and ‘girl whose name I don’t remember’ ride into the ruins on horseback to look for Virginia… after sleeping in and having a big breakfast. Yeah, they care for her THAT much.  They run into the police.]

Starkwell: Why is the cop wearing a flower corsage?

Lovelock: In Spain, police wear flowers.  And they all have mustaches.  Also, they’re really old.

[...]

Well, apparently her name is Elizabeth.  That’s all we’ve really taken from the last twenty minutes or so of this now slow moving epic.  Oh, that and Virginia’s cause of death was being bitten by twelve different people.  We know it was the Undead Knights, but they don’t.  Nonetheless, at the morgue, one of the morgue workers says to the other that she was “asking for it” by going around dressed like that and flaunting her stuff.  By wearing jean shorts, she was asking to have chunks of flesh bitten off, by twelve different people at the same time.  This is what we’ve learned.  Oh also, every scientist in Spain has a beard.

[...]

[Flashback to the origin of the Undead Knights, they are torturing and sacrificing a woman.]

Starkwell: Is it really necessary for them to cut her top off?  And to show close ups of her breasts?

Lovelock: Well, yeah, how else would we know that they sliced directly into each of her boobies with swords?

[...]

[Undead Virginia goes to Elizabeth’s workshop to attack her assistant.]

Starkwell: Who would choose to work in a dimly lit warehouse full of creepy severed mannequin parts hanging on meat hooks?

Lovelock: In Spain? Many people work in dimly lit warehouses full of body parts.  I mean, in the seventies, it was all the rage.

Starkwell: You really don’t know what you’re saying.

Lovelock: Shhhhhh… Undead Virginia is currently on fire.

[...]

Roger continues his investigation into Virginia’s murder.  Elizabeth continues to wear different hats in every scene. The film continues to introduce more characters, and move really slow.  Then there was an uncomfortably long and dragged out rape scene.  Starkwell walked out, and simply asked to let him know when the Undead Knights come to kill the rapist.  Minutes later, here come the Undead Knights.  Instant karma’s gonna get you, Pedro.

[...]

[Undead Knights eat Rapist Pedro.]

Lovelock: I don’t know… these guys don’t seem so bad.

Starkwell: I think you’re forgetting their booby cutting roots.

[...]

[The Undead Knights eat more people, a lot more people.]

Starkwell: The fact that it doesn’t make any noise while they bite people, actually makes it a lot more horrifying somehow.  What do you think?

[As the end of the film approached, Lovelock couldn’t respond.  He was off in a corner crying, partly tears of joy, mostly tears of sheer horror.]

[...]

Well, the movie had some minuses.  It moved slow, didn’t make much sense, and feels kind of like a high end Paul Naschy film (see: Vengeance of the Zombies).  However, in the plus column, the Undead Knights are scary as hell, the visual effects have definitely held up over time, the music all throughout was both tense and surreal, and the locations used were terrifying and fantastic, seriously, like something out of a horrible dream.  As a result Lovelock and Starkwell have committed to watching the entire series of 'Blind Dead' films.  However, since doctors don’t recommend watching more than one of these films in a twenty four hour period, we will have to continue another time.