Return of the Evil Dead.

Since we know that the first movie in the series ends on an extreme downer, with the implication that the world is about to end, I think it is safe to assume that, although this is technically a sequel, it’s more that it just uses the same world, with the same Blind Dead.  I don’t think that we’re about to pick up where we left off.  In this 1973 Amando De Ossorio epic, we will see if the "Return of the Evil Dead" can meet the standard that the "Tombs of the Blind Dead" set.  Another Blue Underground release which once again seems like a very good print… and it looks like they will need to read subtitles again.  It looks as though the direct translation would be “the return of the dead without eyes”.  Sounds like fun.

[...]

[Small village in Portugal, people are gathering and decorating the village for The Burning Festival, tom commemorate when they burn some knights alive, after setting fire to their eyes.  Then some kids throw rocks at a mentally challenged guy, and then kick him on the ground.]

Starkwell: They seem to have an endless supply of rocks.

Lovelock: They probably spent the morning gathering them, waiting for Murdo to peak his head around that corner.

[...]

[They get a beer at the bar.]

Lovelock: That is the most head I have ever seen on a beer.

Starkwell: I honestly thought it was a glass of milk.

[...]

[Murdo hides behind a rock and watches couple go at it, gets caught.]

Starkwell: They don’t seem to mind that he was peeping on them.

Lovelock: The way this village is run, I’m surprised they didn’t torch his eyes.

Starkwell: Or throw a sack full of rocks at him.

[...]

[Templars torture and sacrifice woman.]

Starkwell: Why do the Templars always cut open the boobies?

Lovelock: That’s where the best blood is.  Also the director probably likes showing boobies.

[...]

[Murdo cuts some boobies of his own to bring the Blind Dead back.]

Starkwell: Alright, I take back everything that I said.  Those kids were right to throw rocks at him.

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t trust the mentally challenged.

Starkwell: That is hands down the worst thing you’ve ever said.  And yeah, that's why.

Lovelock: In Portugal, men dance like ladies and have purses.

Starkwell: Maybe that's only during the burning festival.

[...]

As the blind dead start emerging from their tombs, we all remembered why the first movie was so cool.  The Templars look frightening as hell and the combination of the effective cinematography and the chilling soundtrack make their introduction in this movie just as startling as the first time around.  Then the Templars trample Murdo, because even evil undead knights hate that goofy bastard.

[...]

[Right after a quickie, Blonde Bimbo hears a knock at the door.]

Starkwell: Why on earth would the Blind Dead knock at the door?

Lovelock: Because they can’t see where the bell is…

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: It’s the polite thing to do?

Starkwell: But they’re here for revenge.

Lovelock: Just because they’re vengeful, doesn't mean they're rude.  Shame on you.

[...]

Then there was the best “arm comes out from nowhere and grabs guy” gag ever, followed by a slow-motion horse chase scene shot in total DAY FOR NIGHT.

[...]

[Flyboy and Weirdface make a getaway.]

Starkwell: That car looks like one of those cars made for children.

Lovelock: Power wheels?  Man, the kids that actually had those were the worst.

[...]

[The Police Commissioner puts on sunglasses to get a better look at a girl’s ass through her nighty, and then plays charades with her while ignoring the townspeople’s phone call for help.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …

[...]

At one point I couldn’t hear much except laughter, since, when the Templars came to kill the townspeople, we were shown about seventeen hundred shots of the Templars slowly walking through doors that we assume lead to places filled with people.  It looked insane.  No kill shots.  Just the Blind Dead walking into doors followed by screams.  For at least a million minutes.

[...]

[Townspeople get ready for the Templars.]

Starkwell: Pitchforks?  It’s the 1970s…  Is that the best they can do?

Lovelock: That’s a downgrade from the torches they had hundreds of years earlier.

Starkwell: Well, it doesn’t seem to be going as well this time.

Lovelock: This is totally where they got the idea for “Braveheart”.

Starkwell: Not sure what to make of that one.

[...]

[Townspeople start using fireworks like grenades.  Some townies make a getaway with Flyboy in his car.]

Starkwell: So, they were burned alive and returned hundreds of years later, but a Bottle Rocket can take one of them down?

Lovelock: POW POW POWER WHEELS. POW POW POWER WHEELS.

Starkwell: I bet they feel pretty silly for having punched Flyboy around earlier.

Lovelock: Soon, they’ll all be laughing at the hilarious misunderstanding. 

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure that soon, they’ll all be dead.

Lovelock: I hope so.

[...]

[Evil Mustache Duncan attempts to use young girl as bait to get around the Templars.]

Starkwell: I can’t believe he actually asked if she wanted candy.  And it worked.

Lovelock: Textbook.

Starkwell: Well, it didn’t work work… He still got super stabbed.

Lovelock: Textbook.

[...]

[Murdo peaks his head out of a hole, the Templars chop it off.  Blondie follows.]

Starkwell: So she sees his head chopped off, and decides to stick her head out the same hole?

Lovelock: I don’t think she was known in the village for her brains.

[...]

[Scarfy tried to rape Weirdface and gets killed by Flyboy.]

Starkwell: Why can’t we ever make it through one of these without a scene like that?

Lovelock: Probably the same reason we can’t make it through without seeing a booby cutting scene.

[...]

Although the ending is oddly positive for this one, it still left a bit of a sour taste in the mouths of Starkwell and Lovelock.  Thankfully there are two more films in the series to try and bring us back to the heights of the original.  As the Templars randomly deflate at the end, I can’t help but feel like our hopes for recapturing the magic of the first one has deflated a little as well.