The Dead Undead.

It came from Redbox.  In a lame attempt to mockbuster two current fads, this movie deals with both vampires AND zombies.  Two directors, one movie, no budget, probably all bad.  Starkwell and Lovelock aren’t exactly excited.  Interestingly if you read up on the two guys that directed it, they mostly worked stunts in films.  A lot of films.  Big films.  Interesting.  Maybe the stunts will be good.

[...]

[Teens arrive at a lakeside hotel, go for a swim, wrestle in bikinis.]

Starkwell: Obviously.

[Next scene is a girl taking a shower.]

Starkwell: More obviously.

[Vampire kid comes out of the closet and attacks one of the girls.]

Starkwell: Ok, that was less obvious.

Lovelock: At least it isn’t taking long to get going.

[...]

Then there was a fight between a zombie and a vampire and Lovelock was like “alright”, but the main characters IMMEDIATELY started looking for weapons and happened to have guns and ammo in their truck, Starkwell was all “what kind of a trip were they on?” and “how come they aren’t more curious about what’s going on?”.  Anyways, then ARMY shows up and starts killing vampires, or zombies, or vampire zombies, not sure at this point.  What I do know is that most of the kids are either dead or dying.

[...]

Starkwell: It looks as though most of the actors are probably stuntman/woman buddies of the writer-directors… It’s nice to see, and must have been fun to make.  Fun to watch on the other hand…

Lovelock: It’s their time to shine!

Starkwell: Don’t make fun too much… I just read that the director was a sniper in Desert Storm.

[...]

[They are both zombie and vampire… they call them “ZVs”.]

Starkwell: Riiiiight…

[Some of the kids turn, the others try to run away in the truck.  Truck crashes.]

Lovelock: For a bunch of stunt people and stunt coordinators, I would have expected a cooler crash.

Starkwell: Can’t make what you can’t afford.

[...]

I love that they probably thought “Vampires… Zombies… it can’t fail!”.

[...]

[Five minute long shot of girl soldier sniping things.]

Starkwell: We get it.  She’s a good shot.

Lovelock: Why does the music keep cutting sporadically like that?

Starkwell: Probably for the same reason that they need to show that guy setting up the minigun for five minutes.

[...]

Sometime after shouting “worst swordplay ever” I think Lovelock actually started getting into it in that ‘so bad it’s good’ kind of a way.  It’s able to achieve that because I think it actually IS trying to be good, as opposed to so many recent ‘bad’ movies that try to play the whole ‘so bad it’s good’ angle.  Did that make any sense?  If not, just know that Starkwell still hates the shit out of this sucker no matter what claiming "so bad it's bad".

[...]

Lovelock: Impressive body count.

Starkwell: Fair enough.

[I think that’s a compliment.  Then there was a long dragged out shot of a ZV being burned alive, or not alive I guess.]

Starkwell: I guess they had to do the firesuit stunt somewhere in here.  But did it have to be so long?

[...]

Then one of the soldiers dies and it flashes back to him in medieval times.  Well, he doesn’t just die, he explodes.  Anyways, I guess these dudes are immortal warriors of some kind, fighting the spirits of evil and shit.  The flashback takes the level of cheese up about ten or eleven notches, even when that didn’t seem possible.

[...]

[So the soldiers are GOOD vampires, and the ZVs are the BAD zombies.]

Starkwell: Really?

[...]

Anyways, now we get flashbacks and back story on the other good vampires.  One of them was in Vietnam, one of them writes an advice column under a female pen name!  Yeah.  It sounds crazy, but would I make that up? Tell you what… if I did make it up, I wouldn’t be like “that’ll make a super movie!”

[...]

[The two surviving kids volunteer to be bait.]

Lovelock: Sexy AND smart?

[...]

[Another trap/weapon making montage.]

Starkwell: Is it NECESSARY to show Blondie making a wooden stake for five minutes?

Lovelock: It’s as necessary as the rest of the film.

[...]

I give the film credit for actually trying to explain everything.  It’s more than I can say for a lot of these kinds of movies.  And while ANY of the computer effects look terrible, there is an obscene amount of gunfire and flying bodies that look funny.  I’m not really sure what the characters are even trying to do at this point, but what I do know is that only Blondie and main soldier boy are still alive.

[...]

[Blondie offers up her blood and Soldier Boy becomes SUPER SOLDIER BOY.]

Starkwell: Wait, why isn’t she hurt at all?

[...]

Then they set it up for a sequel.  The end?

The Last Man on Earth.

There have been three adaptations of Richard Matheson’s novel “I Am Legend”.  The first of these was a 1964 Vincent Price vehicle, entitled “The Last Man on Earth”.  Apparently an influence on the Romero classic “Night of the Living Dead”, Price’s star power alone should be enough to get some good interest from Starkwell and Lovelock.  The DVD is a beautiful looking MGM release.

[...]

[Dr. Morgan finds a dead body then has a cup of tea.]

Starkwell: Wait, what does he need garlic for?  Is this a zombie movie or a vampire movie?

Lovelock: I think it’s up to us to decide.

Starkwell: Is that a wooden stake?

Lovelock: Maybe he’s making a table…

[...]

Their discussion about vampire vs. zombie went on a little longer, but eventually shut up when they realized how cool Vincent Price is, and decided, “Who really cares?” From now on I will refer to them as zombies.

[...]

Lovelock: If I was the last man on earth, I don’t think I would have such a finely groomed mustache.

[...]

[Morgan puts on some jazz and gets drunk.]

Lovelock: My kind of party.

Starkwell: Drinking alone with creepy zombies calling out your name all night?

Lovelock: It beats what we’re doing.

[...]

[Morgan falls asleep in a church, wakes up after dark, when the zombies come out.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never sleep at church.

Starkwell: You don’t even go to church.

Lovelock: You're right.  That's why I never go to church.

Starkwell: Sure.  That's why.

[...]

The way the zombies shuffle around the house slowly, you can see what kind of influence this had on Romero.  Starkwell and Lovelock are captivated.  It would seem that Matheson himself had a hand in the script, but changed his name in the credits when dissatisfied with the finished product.  So far, as Starkwell has said, “I don’t see why.” It probably makes more sense if you've read the book.

[...]

[Morgan watches home video of his family, now deceased.]

Lovelock: Why is he laughing… oh… wait… never mind.

Starkwell: That is, without a doubt, the BEST laugh-to-cry ever filmed.

[...]

[Very long flashback sequence that shows the beginning of the end.]

Starkwell: Did they have to pick a kid with such an annoying voice and lack of teeth?

Lovelock: Don’t worry.  She won’t be around much longer.

Starkwell: Dude… harsh.

Lovelock: She gets to miss school?  You think she’s fakin’?

Starkwell: Alright, that’s definitely enough about the kid.

[...]

The black and white shots of bodies being thrown into the pit of fire are disturbingly effective, the slow progression of his wife and daughter's illness is terrifying, and as Lovelock puts it, Vincent Price “sells every shot, HARD.”

[...]

Lovelock: If I was the last man on earth, I would not wear such perfectly pleated pants and sweater vests.

[...]

[Morgan sees a live dog.]

Lovelock: MMMmmmmmm dinner!

Starkwell: I don’t think that’s why he’s excited.

[...]

[Morgan sees a girl.]

Lovelock: MMMmmmm dinner!

Starkwell: Again, not sure if that's why he's excited.

Lovelock: It should be.

Starkwell: She seems pretty nonchalant, just out for a leisurely stroll, sometime after the apocalypse.

Lovelock: The sixties were a simpler time.

Starkwell: I’m not sure what that means. 

Lovelock: I’m wondering where she got the tweed skirt and makeup after the apocalypse.

[...]

[Morgan shoves garlic in her face.]

Lovelock: That’s no way to treat a guest.

Starkwell: Rude.

[...]

[Girl threatens Morgan.]

Lovelock: That’s no way to treat your host.

Starkwell: Rude.

[...]

Twists and turns aplenty, this story kicks ass.  Although the infected are even referred to as vampires, Starkwell and Lovelock have decided beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are, in fact, zombies.  They both noticed that even when Price is playing a nice guy, he is still creepy.  Maybe more creepy.

[...]

[The new world order comes for Morgan.  Morgan heads to the church.]

Lovelock: Well that's dumb.  Nothing good can come from ging to church.

Starkwell: Wait, why are they all dressed in black?

Lovelock: Maybe they’re beatniks.

Starkwell: Maybe this movie has a bit of an agenda.

[...]

The film ends very suddenly, Lovelock and Starkwell applaud.  I can understand why a lot of people point to this as an important film in the genre.  Almost fifty years old, this movie is still stunning.  It helps that Vincent Price is that cool.