The Revenant.

So apparently this one involves a back-from-the-dead soldier, who behaves a bit like the zombie sidekick in "Dylan Dog", from what I gather, and he apparently comes back and starts helping his friend deal with drug dealers and clean up the streets.  Potential is through the roof.  So let's just see how badly they fuck that up. The film clocks in just under two hours, so it just may be a long ride… We start with a group of soldiers travelling in the desert who are suddenly ambushed.  Bart is shot and killed, and then we cut to his funeral, along with some annoying overbearing orchestra music that sounds like the kind of music they play during the parades at Disney World.

[...]

[Bart's girlfriend Janet and his buddy Joey talk shit about the Priest's sermon at the funeral.]

Lovelock: What's with priests using main events where they FINALLY have a crowd to lay a guilt trip everyone who isn't a regular?

Starkwell: Seriously.

Lovelock: "Welcome to Christmas mass... I see a lot of unfamiliar faces."

Starkwell: Lame.

[Joey and Janet start furiously making out.]

Lovelock: Ummm…

Starkwell: Well they certainly weren't listening at church today.

Lovelock: Sinners!  Bart's not even buried yet.

[...]

That night, Bart rises up out of his coffin, startled, scared, confused, and ZOMBIE.  Much rejoicing was had by both Lovelock and Starkwell, as Bart discovered his rotting face in a mirror and began cutting the stitches holding his mouth together.  He goes to see Joey, who, understandably, is freaked out.  Good dialogue and the jokes actually work.

[...]

[Bart tries to eat a slice of pizza, vomits black tar everywhere.]

Lovelock: That's why I always prefer pizza same day.

Starkwell: You're nuts! Cold pizza is the shit.

[At the end of the night Bart collapses, and is full dead again.]

[...]

The 'wiccan' nurse of the group, Mathilda, thinks that he is a vampire.  Joey makes fun of her repeatedly, and then she leaves and tells Joey that he needs to chop off Bart's head and drive a stake into his heart.

[...]

[Night time comes, Bart wakes up again, Joey feeds him breakfast and he pukes black tar.]

Lovelock: They don't seem to be learning.

Starkwell: So… much… vomit…

[...]

Bart goes to a hospital to steal blood, and he's caught by a nurse, being played by the woman that played nurse Haleh on "E.R.".  This of course led to Starkwell and Lovelock ignoring the film for at least ten minutes while they, for whatever reason, talked about the final season of "E.R." and Noah Wyle's character.  Meanwhile, Joey and Bart figured out that if he drinks blood, he feels much better.  But he still "dies" when the morning comes.

[...]

[Joey figures out that he is not a vampire, but rather, he is a REVENANT.]

Starkwell: I appreciate the attention to detail.  Most movies would be lazy and just be all "you're a zombie ZOIKS!"

Lovelock: Zoiks?

Starkwell: Yeah, you know, all like "Derrrrrrrp".

Lovelock: When in the shit are they gonna get to the crimefighting?

[...]

Then they get mugged, by some Latino dude, and Bart gets shot a bunch.  But, since he's already dead, he gets back up, they knock out the mugger, drag him into the car, and Bart drinks the mugger's blood.  Bart ends up feeling much better.  Not quite crimefighting, but an acceptable start, according to Lovelock.  Janet finds out he's undead (finally), and they spend some time together (like five minutes), but then Bart heads right back out with Joey (because I guess he doesn't really give a shit about Janet?).

[...]

[Once again, they get mugged, this time in a convenience store, by a black guy.]

Lovelock: Remind me not to live wherever it is that they live.

Starkwell: Also… racist much?

[...]

Then they stop a white crackhead who's robbing a black guy.  Starkwell felt this was a 'convenient' way to resolve his earlier concern.  So, now they've upgraded from "self-defense after randomly being mugged" to proper crimefighting.  As Bart kills and sucks the blood from criminals, they also start a serious gun collection, and they make the news.  Bronson style.  Except severely less tough.

[...]

[Joey gets shot, Bart sucks his blood.]

Lovelock: Certainly was a short-lived partnership.

[Joey wakes up the next night as a revenant too.]

Starkwell: But wait… wouldn't that mean that all of their victims would be waking back up?

Lovelock: Confused.

[...]

With both of them as revenants, they go even harder on the crimefighting quest.  Aside from the Starkwell-mentioned plot hole, it makes literally no sense at all that Janet hasn't wanted to see Bart again since she realized he was undead, and vice-versa with Bart basically ignoring that he ever had a love interest.  They've basically not talked about her at all.  It's a little weak and unexplained.  Especially since you just know they are OBVIOUSLY going to have the whole "Joey slept with Janet" thing come around to screw things up.

[...]

[Mathilda finds out what they are doing, Joey kills her.]

Lovelock: Well this took a grim turn.

Starkwell: They took forever to get to this point, and now they're cramming the entire story into the final act.

Lovelock: And suddenly they give a shit about Janet again?

[...]

Then Janet feeds Bart some of her blood and it's all sexual and Lovelock and Starkwell are fully uncomfortable, and confused. Bart, obviously, goes too far and sucks her dry.  Then Joey and Bart have a gun fight and they part ways.  Joey is heading to Vegas and Bart chops off Janet's head, and then gets arrested.

[...]

[Joey gets pulled over and grabbed by a band of criminals led by the original Latino dude that they killed.]

Starkwell: Well, they actually wrapped that plot hole up nice and neatly, I guess.  Good on you, movie.

Lovelock: So wait… everyone that they killed is out there being all zombie? COOL!  I think...

[...]

Bart escapes the morgue and finds a package at his door… it's JOEY'S HEAD.  He's still alive and talking (well, he can only talk with the help of a vibrator).  Bart smashes his head, puts him out of his misery, after finding out that basically everyone that they killed are likely about to come after him.

[...]

Starkwell: Wait, there's another fifteen fucking minutes?

[Montage of Bart trying to off himself in various ways.]

Lovelock: Looking good today buddy.  Looking real good.

[...]

After all that, I guess Bart gave up entirely on even trying to be good, and kills a random woman on the subway.  He exits the subway and there's a SWAT team waiting.  For some reason, the SWAT team starts shooting and kills about two dozen civilians.  It really doesn't make any sense.  Bart gets up and runs away.  The film ends with him being captured by people in HASMAT gear.  Then it cuts to a research lab where some woman is explaining a bunch of shit about the revenants.  Unfortunately, they decide to show us full frontal fucking dude and lady nudity.  All of the undead people are to become super soldiers I think.

[...]

Lovelock: Must suck to be that old actor, whose credit in this film likely reads "old zombie that hangs dong".

[...]

Good movie.  Too long, though, and a bit confused at times.

Deathdream.

Hot off of the heels of his semi-successful quasi-cult “classic” entitled “Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things”, Director Bob Clark and Writer Alan Ormsby teamed back up for a second zombie pic, this one about a singular zombie in the form of a resurrected war vet.  You might think that this has been done before, but remember, this was in 1972, the movie, was “Dead of Night”.  It could be ahead of its time, but that doesn’t always make it good.  Let’s find out, shall we? The DVD is another Blue Underground release.

[...]

[Family gets news that their Son and Brother, Andy, has died, and yet, he returns home.  They all react, with tremendous laughter.]

Starkwell: The family seems to be taking it rather well, considering he just told them that he was, in fact, dead.

Lovelock: Maybe there’s a gas leak.

[...]

The movie pressed forward, the story was intriguing, the directing and cinematography were atmospherically chilling, the dialogue was top notch and the acting was rather exquisite.  Starkwell and Lovelock sat quietly, completely immersed in the story.  I’ve never seen them this quiet.  Every time that they would show a close up on Andy’s creepy grin, Lovelock would silently pump his fist and bite his lower lip.

[...]

[Andy chokes the family dog.]

Lovelock: What the… was that a real fucking dog?  He threw it!

[Starkwell just had a single tear rolling down his cheek, silently horrified.]

[...]

Time keeps passing, Andy keeps decaying.  He gets crazier and crazier and the film gets scarier and scarier.  Starkwell sits in awe.  Lovelock anticipates some Andy kill power.

[...]

[Andy injects his victim’s blood into his veins.]

Lovelock: Be careful, Andy, they say that blood is a gateway drug.

Starkwell: I hate to break it to you, but he’s well past the gate.

Lovelock: These damn kids today with their 'Twilight' stories and their blood.

Starkwell: This movie is almost forty years old!

Lovelock: Yeah but, vampires don’t age.

Starkwell: Wait… what?

[...]

Andy’s face started melting, and he proceeded to go on a rampage.  Sometime during said rampage, Lovelock stood up and started clapping and laughing, simultaneously.

[...]

[To avoid spoilers, I won’t say what happened, but here’s their reaction to the final scene.]

Starkwell: I have never seen anything like that.

Lovelock: No Andy! Don’t go!

[...]

Starkwell then tried explaining the point of the movie to Lovelock, but halfway through Lovelock interrupted him with a very obnoxious and loud “Who cares?  It was awesome, don’t try to ruin it for me!” and then walked out of the room.  Starkwell then started looking up the guy who played Andy to see what else he has done.  Hard to believe Bob Clark directed “Porky’s”.

House.

Most people think of Hugh Laurie when they hear “House”, but some of us think “Ding Dong, You’re Dead”.  The DVD we are watching is from Anchor Bay, although I read a new version is coming out soon.  Fred Dekker wrote this, and given that he is the mind behind the fantastic "Night of the Creeps", hopes are flying high.  Like Creeps, this also came out in '86.  good year for Dekker, good year for film fans.  Ding dong...

[...]

[Flashback to the past at the haunted mansion of the main character's recently deceased aunt. It might help if I mention that the main character, named Roger, is played by William Katt.]

Lovelock: Mrs Hooper has an odd choice in art.

Starkwell: It’s called foreshadowing.

Lovelock: Yeah well, believe it or not he’s walking on air.

[...]

[Roger sees his child drowning in the pool and leaps in to save him.]

Lovelock:  Did you see him dive in for that kid?  He might just be, the Greatest American Hero.

Starkwell: You have to promise me that’s the last time, because so far the movie is great, and if you keep that up, you will ruin it.


[I should mention that William Katt played the main character in the television series entitled "The Greatest American Hero".]

[...]

[Sketchy real estate agent gives Roger the tour of his newly inherited mansion, during which they see a lot of weird tools, art pieces, and well, a harpoon that the agent fires 'accidentally' in the direction of our hero.  I don't know the actor's name that played the agent, but I recognize him as one of those 80's character actors who always plays sleazebags.]

Lovelock: I don’t trust this real estate guy.

Starkwell: Was it the harpoon misfire? Genius?

Lovelock: No, it’s because that actor always plays dickheads. 

Starkwell: Yeah, keep the House, that’s a great idea.

Lovelock: It’s an investment.  Rent is for suckers.

[...]

[Roger wears an awful sweater, and we are introduced to George Wendt's character, the neighbor.]

Lovelock: Well we found the movie’s first big flaw: The Low-Cut V-Neck.

Starkwell: Norm just rescued the scene though with AMAZING COMEDY.

[...]

I was eating blueberry scones for a while, so I missed a lot of what Allen and Lionel were saying, but at some point during a flashback scene they mentioned something about Vietnam looking pretty gosh darn wacky.  Also, that the jungle didn’t look like the jungle.  Many more comments were made about Roger’s sweaters.

Then they kept repeating the line “Do you think I’m… Looney Tunes?”

[...]

[Roger's wife is a famous actress in the movie, and somehow the neighbor is able to call her from his home phone.  I don't know, I guess she was in the phone book.]

Starkwell: She’s awfully easy to reach for a famous actress.

Lovelock: Uh, yeah, it’s called realism.

Starkwell: In that case, find me William Katt's number, I want to see if he still has those sweaters.

[...]

[The haunted mansion springs to life, inanimate objects start moving.]

Lovelock: Flying tools is scary, but the flapping undead trophy fish is horrifying.

Starkwell: I don’t think you are seeing just how well written this movie is.

Lovelock: It’s hard, when I’m distracted by the timelessly cool special effects.

[...]

[Roger kills a demon and hides it from the cops, who search his place but then leave him alone when they realize he is a famous author.]

Starkwell: Worst policemen ever.

Lovelock: Best fist pump ever.

[Enter the amazing 80's montage of burying a demon body.]

Starkwell: Worst musical interlude ever.

Lovelock: Still, it’s a good how-to for disposing of a random demon body.

[...]

[Roger gets swallowed by the closet, the neighbor watches, but does nothing but open a bottle of booze.]

Starkwell: Wait, so he disappears into Vietnam closet and Norm decides it's Miller time?

Lovelock: It’s been hard for him ever since he stopped going to Cheers.

[...]

At this point the movie gets loads more intense, as Roger battles his own personal demons, being wonderfully represented by actual demons.  Roger has to deal with the skeletons in his closet.  Anyways, I’m sure you get it.  Both Starkwell and Lovelock are silently hypnotized.

[...]

[We approach the happy end to the movie.]

Lovelock: “Ding Dong, You’re Dead” doesn’t really make any sense once you’ve seen the movie.

Starkwell: I don’t think that’s important.

Lovelock: Well, it is to me.

[...]

Since Allen and Lionel both stood up in applause as the film ended, I assume that they enjoyed the movie.  Not sure who they are applauding, maybe whoever put the movie on.  Believe it or not, it’s just me.

They sat back down pretty quickly when the atrocious song came on during the credits.

[...]

Lovelock: Night Court! That’s where I’ve seen him.

Uncle Sam.

Known mostly for "Maniac" or his more recent "Maniac Cop" series of films, William Lustig explores a similar style with his political statement ‘Uncle Sam’.  This Blue Underground release has all of the usual nice treatments of a Blue Undergound release and opens with a menu that is an exact copy of what is on the front of the box.  No spoilers here.  Let’s find out what they are hiding.

[...]

[Annoying kid wakes up and smashes a picture of his Uncle, named Sam.]

Starkwell: His name is Sam, and he is an Uncle?  How convenient.

Lovelock: Wouldn't be much of a movie if it was called Uncle Peter.

[...]

[Annoying kid's teacher claims to have taught the kid's uncle.  Teacher looks thirty-five.]

Starkwell: Wait, if Uncle Sam was in that guy’s class, wouldn’t that make him like a hundred years old?

Lovelock: He probably just started teaching at a young age.  Like Doogie Howser.

[...]

Lovelock: Oh man, I really hope Uncle Sam offs the kid.  Soon.

[...]

[Enter Isaac Hayes.]

Lovelock: Black Moses just knocked that scene out of the park.  Hard.

Starkwell: He’s a complicated man.

[...]

[Every death is followed by a cheesy one-liner, being whispered, loudly.  This one involved a head-chopping.]

Starkwell: The one-liners would be more effective if the movie moved a little quicker.

Lovelock: I don’t know, that was a pretty fast cut.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell then sat comfortably watching Uncle Sam off people for seemingly no real reason.  Every now and then Starkwell would express confusion as to which side the director is on.  Lovelock says he clearly just hates everyone.

[...]

[Although it doesn't make him inconspicuous at all, Uncle Sam wears an Uncle Sam costume, complete with mask.]

Starkwell: Clearly they have him parading around in an Uncle Sam costume so they don’t have to pay to have him in the Zombie makeup.

Lovelock: Uh, no, it’s so he can blend in, idiot.

[...]

[Fourth of July celebration, awful band plays.]

Starkwell: Hopefully that’s a real band and they thought that appearing in this movie was their big break.

Lovelock: You think they made it?

[...]

[Re-enter Isaac Hayes.]

Starkwell: Chef is terrible in these scenes… what happened?

Lovelock: Short answer - Scientology.

[...]

[Finally rid of the Uncle Sam costume, Uncle Sam shows his long locks of flowing hair, even though the flashback that they showed at the beginning, showed Uncle Sam with a buzz-cut.]

Starkwell: He grew an awful lot of hair after dying.

Lovelock: It’s to add an element of realism.

Starkwell: Wait, what?

[...]

[Credits begin with 'For Lucio']

Starkwell: For Lucio? That’s a bit presumptuous.

[...]

As the credits rolled, so did Starkwell’s eyes.  Lovelock simply used his hands to make a fart noise.  I think at the end the filmmaker definitely chose a side, but the kid(s) made it hard to be happy about it.