The Falling.

Also known as “Alien Predators”, mid-eighties sci-fi-horror picture “The Falling” is not very well known.  Starkwell and Lovelock are about to embark on a journey to find out whether or not this is because it is really really bad.

[...]

[In the 1970s, NASA shot a space station up into the air to perform experiments on animals.  Later, it crashes back on earth.  A cow is infected or something and dies.]

Starkwell: Did they really kill that cow?

Lovelock: It certainly looked like it was really bleeding from the face and having a Caesar.

Starkwell: Seizure.

Lovelock: I'm pretty sure it's a Caesar.

Starkwell: Yeah, the cow is having a salad.  That makes sense.

Lovelock: Well, they're herbivores.

Starkwell:  Just... STOP.

[...]

[Coyotes pick apart the cow carcass.]

Lovelock: What in the…

Starkwell: That shit looks real.

[Then the cow’s ripped open stomach pulls one of the coyotes in and, I guess EATS it.  Starkwell gasped in horror, wondering how the hell they filmed that, and Lovelock shit his pants.]

[...]

We have been introduced to three American tourists driving the Spanish countryside in a huge RV.  One of the three American tourists, the hilariously eighties looking female of the group, named Samantha, informs us that there are no coyotes in Spain, and that it was likely a wild dog.  Well, now I feel dumb.  Anyways, after Lovelock went and changed his underoos I filled him in on the plot, that one of the two American dudes, Michael, re-entered the RV after investigating the cow / wild dog mess and was covered in blood. 

[...]

[Uncomfortable introduction of an Indian couple and their white, non-Indian daughter.]

Lovelock: Do movies in the eighties always have to be so racist?

Starkwell: So… The main character trio don’t find it odd that their daughter is a white girl?

Lovelock: Oh for fuck’s sake, why not just have him say ‘thank you come again’ over and over again?  Holy shit.

[And that’s it.  We never see that couple again?]

[...]

As the plot unfolded, Lovelock and Starkwell were actually pretty into it.  The special effects were, well, effective.  Outside of the love triangle side story, the characters themselves, as well as the story, were actually fairly likeable.  The woman playing Samantha, however, is hands down one of the worst actresses any of us have ever seen.

[...]

[Waitress comes back with the bill, her hair seems to have exploded into a fiery red afro, and her nose is bleeding.]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t eat out.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: It totally is.  Ever been to Applebee’s?  I think that’s what this restaurant is based on.

Starkwell: Yeah, that makes sense.  Especially since this is Spain.  In the eighties.

Lovelock: Good point, maybe it’s based on Chili’s.

[...]

[Scientists go to a lab wearing NASA space suits.  One of them finds out he’s a guinea pig in an experiment, and blows his brains out.]

Starkwell: How could the blood spray around like that, if he was wearing an astronaut helmet?

Lovelock: If you want REALISM, go to the library, nerd.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

[...]

[Creepy dude with a mask grabs Samantha in the grocery store, then immediately gets squashed by a truck.]

Lovelock: Why’d they off him so quickly?  Seems like a waste of a perfectly good INCREDIBLY CREEPY dude.

Starkwell: Is someone driving the truck, or is the truck alive?

[...]

Then one of the NASA scientists sits kidnaps her at gunpoint, but she doesn’t even look scared or surprised.  She looks more annoyed than anything else.  You know who else is starting to look annoyed?  Starkwell and Lovelock.

[...]

Starkwell: SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Then Starkwell punched a hole in the wall.  Say what you want about the movie, but it takes a special brand of filmmaking team to piss Starkwell off that much.]

[...]

[Rogue NASA scientist sends Michael on a mission deep into the fifth lower level of a secret lab of some kind… the one where the other scientist guy blew his brains out.  As Samantha says goodbye to Mikey, Damon and the scientist have a HILARIOUS interchange about who Samantha likes best.]

Starkwell: The comedic elements… so out of place… why would the scientist care about the love triangle?  YaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaa… my head hurts.

[CAR CHASE!!!!]

Lovelock: Man!  This movie does it all!  Badly!

[...]

I think what’s pissing everyone off the most about this film, was that it actually could have been really awesome instead of just sorta okay.

[...]

Starkwell: So like… were people being infected / possessed by the alien organism?

Lovelock: I’m not sure.  All that really matters is that we never found out why that Indian couple had a white daughter that called her Indian father “Bill” instead of “Daddy”.

[...]

[Car Chase II:  Mikey is Hollywood’s #1 Driver, you know!]

Starkwell: So, they casually slip in that Michael is a Hollywood stuntdriver… why?

Lovelock: I guess to explain why he can do donuts in a dune buggy and drive it down a flight of stairs.

[Mikey successfully brings back “the antidote”.  Hugs for everyone.]

[...]

[The gang gets away.  Minus the scientist who was creamed by a truck and exploded on impact.  Then I think the whole town they were in is bombed or something.  The gang stops to gas up.]

Starkwell: A triumph?

[Gas station attendant coughs up blood, explodes and a little alien flies out onto their windshield.]

Lovelock: Good thing they blew up Spain.  Clearly they contained the outbreak.

[DAMON IS INFECTED!  PROBABLY, I THINK THAT’S WHAT THEY MEANT!]

Starkwell: The end.  Brilliant.

[Roll credits.]

Lovelock: There’s a guy who was credited as an alien consultant?  How does that work?

[...]

If any of the above comments and discussions didn’t make any sense to you, it’s mostly because the movie made absolutely no sense to any of us.  Starkwell and Lovelock were both making comparisons to “Messiah of Evil”, but admitting that it was only slightly less aggravating and confusing and a whole lot less creepy.  I guess people were being possessed... like the creepy guy in the mask, and the truck drivers that we never saw... and... yeah, seriously I don't know.  Why was there a random DOLL being thrown at windows throughout the whole movie?  So many questions, and so few answers.  A very unique film.  But one must remember, a unique turd, is still basically just a turd.  Didn’t stop them from kind of digging it.