Dead Within.

This movie has five people listed as cast members.  There are four people listed as writers.  There are two people I know, that are very much not excited to watch a movie about a few people stuck in a cabin, hiding from zombies that, as far as I can tell from the interwebz, we will never see.  Let’s go already.  At least it’s only an hour and twenty minutes long.

[...]

[Credits open with aerial shots of landscapes and cities.]

Starkwell: I hope they didn’t pay too much for that stock footage.

Lovelock: Or for the helicopter ride.

Starkwell: The pilot was like “hey stop filming”.

[...]

Four friends, composed of two couples, hang out in their cabin, and there’s a baby.  It cuts from them celebrating to DARK and SCARY clearly after the outbreak.  There are people asking to be let in to their cabin, they don’t let them in.  Zombies eat the people outside.

[...]

Starkwell: Kind of shitty that they didn’t even think about letting them in, and now they’re just listening to zombies kill them.

Lovelock: And why do the zombies sound like dinosaurs from “Jurassic Park”?

Starkwell: You know, other movies have incorporated dinosaurs…

Lovelock: That’s my go-to for dinosaur sounds.

Starkwell: Also, why didn’t the people just try and break down the door?

Lovelock: Hold on to your butts.

[...]

The director does a fare job at creating tension, but it’s really slow.  It’s moving at a snail’s pace.  Every now and again, there are flashes of one of them killing their friends after they, obviously, must have become zombies.  Where’s the baby at?  Also, I guess since they don’t want to attract zombies, they whisper, mostly.

[...]

Starkwell: I guess the zombies mostly come at night?

Lovelock: Mostly.

[...]

The guy goes out on errand runs, but they don’t ever show that since that would take an actual budget, and more than two actors.  There are two actors in this movie, holy shit.  TWO.  And mostly it's just the girl being crazy alone in the cabin.  Like that Robert Redford movie, except not on a boat, and not Robert Redford.  And nothing happens even though there are ZOMBIES.

[...]

[The two share a cigarette and some synth music plays.  And then MONTAGE of them living in the cabin, surviving.]

Starkwell: So… this movie could have only been twenty minutes?

Lovelock: Try five.  SOMETHING HAPPEN.

[...]

I get it, it’s intense being cooped up in a cabin, having nothing to think about but how you killed your best friends and your baby.  BUT DON’T MAKE A NINETY MINUTE MOVIE ABOUT IT.

[...]

[The girl starts going kind of crazy.]

Lovelock: That’s it, lady… wash the clean dishes again.

Starkwell: More like, that’s it, MOVIE.  Show it again forever.

[...]

The troops are getting restless.  The actors are quite good, actually.  And it’s well directed and nicely shot.  But FUUUUUCK nothing is happening.

[...]

[The guy never comes back from his latest errand run.]

Starkwell: So, something happened, we just don’t get to see it... or?

[Girl has fucking CRAZY NIGHTMARES.  And then the front door starts bleeding… or at least it does in her mind.]

Lovelock: Well, at least we get to see that.

Starkwell: I appreciate that it’s more about her descent into madness than the zombie outbreak itself, but I’d like some kind of action… otherwise it needn’t take this long.

[He has a point - feels like a short stretched to a full.]

[...]

Near the end, we do finally get to see some zombies as they finally breach the cabin and the girl fights for her life.  Lovelock and Starkwell sat quietly on the edge of their seats.  For all the complaining about nothing happening, they certainly seemed gripped at the moment.  Definitely a slow burn kind of movie.  Takes a while to get there, but when it does, it makes you feel fairly uneasy as shit falls apart around the main character girl.  And she falls apart too.

[...]

[Guy comes back but she doesn’t let him in, because he can’t remember the secret knock.]

Starkwell: Woah.

[He tries to bust in with an axe, she cuts off some of his fingers with some branch cutters.]

Lovelock: Woah, gore!

[She knocks him out with a baseball bat and ties him to a chair.]

Starkwell: So… is he a… zombie?

[It becomes clear that he is not a zombie, and that the bitch is NUTS and maybe a zombie.]

Lovelock: Bitches be crazy.

[...]

What an emotional roller coaster.  She stabs him in the chest.  She sees black zombie blood, but I think it’s all in her mind?  We see red blood.  A bizarre ending to a bizarre little movie.  TWIST!  Her blood is black!  She’s the homicidal crazy rabid zombie!

Kill Zombie.

A Dutch comedy zombie film, originally titled “ZOMBIBI”, this film will almost certainly be cookie cutter and forgettable.  But then again, how often do you get to see a cookie cutter zombie comedy film made by the Dutch?

[...]

[We are introduced to Aziz, a dude who works in an office with his dream girl.]

Lovelock: Subtitles!?!?!?

[He gets fired, mostly because his party boy brother keeps calling him at the office.]

Starkwell: Why do they keep saying “what the fuck man”?

Lovelock: How many languages are being spoken here?  Sounds like eighteen.

Starkwell: How many do you understand?

Lovelock: None.

Starkwell: You know the subtitles are in English, right?

[Two black dudes get in a fight with Aziz and his brother and they all wind up in jail.]

Starkwell: Did he say “poop in your neck”?

Lovelock: I think that’s Craig Robinson in the Lakers jersey.

Starkwell: I think that might be racist.

[...]

So the two brothers, the two black dudes, a random other guy that was also in prison, and a sexy cop girl end up hauled up in the police station watching the news.  They find out that a Russian satellite crashed down into his (previous) office building and made people go full zombie, and there’s an outbreak all over wherever they are.  Meanwhile Aziz is worried about his dream girl, who is apparently stuck in the office building.

[...]

[All of a sudden they are surrounded by zombie cops in the station.]

Starkwell: How exactly did they not see all of those guys before?

Lovelock: How is there a spaceship?  It’s a movie, asshole.

[...]

The comedy is not bad, mostly predictable.  The zombies look decent enough, and the story is at the very least moving quickly.  They did throw in the obligatory “this looks like a Michael Jackson video” reference.  Why do all these fucking movies do that?  “Thriller”?  Really? A slightly dated reference.

[...]

[Montage of the crew arming themselves.]

Starkwell: Might be the most uselessly long montage ever.

Lovelock:  At least they’re not using the standard chainsaw-sword-cliché-shit.

Starkwell: Guy with two bowling balls?  Admittedly, fairly original.

Lovelock:  Seriously though, when is an 'arming oneself' montage ever bad?

Starkwell: Often.

[...]

Both Lovelock and Starkwell appreciate the slow moving zombies, and that the film tries to do at least one or two new things amongst all of the same old tired gags.  There is a shout out to “Pulp Fiction” at one point as well, when they accidentally shoot a guy in the back seat with a crossbow.  Not as outdated a reference as "Thriller", but still a touch random.

[...]

Lovelock: You shot Marvin in the face!

Starkwell: Are we supposed to know who Ben Saunders is?

Lovelock: We ain’t Nederlander, so, no.

Starkwell: You mean we ain't Dutch?

Lovelock: That too.

[I looked it up… he won the Dutch version of “The Voice”.  There's a Dutch version of "The Voice".  Adam Levine is probably fucking on it.]

[...]

Everyone, except the cop and Aziz, decide to go rob a bank because, if movies have taught us anything, it is that money is certainly very important in the post apocalyptic landscape.  Says Kev sarcastically.

[...]

[Craig “Bowling Ball Hands” Robinson gets bitten, and the random guy from the prison screws them over and leaves with all of the money, and the truck.]

Lovelock: That’s what you get for robbing a bank.

Starkwell: Crime don’t pay.

[...]

Then there’s a drawn out scene of the two dudes trying to kill Craig Robinson, and they literally use everything AND the kitchen sink.  It’s a bad joke and the scene goes on for way too long.

[...]

[Fight scene between two guys named the Barachis and a bunch of zombies, and they film it like a fighting video game, complete with energy bars and a voiceover saying shit like “FATALITY” and whatnot.]

Lovelock: Strangely, it isn’t the first move I’ve seen do that.

Starkwell: The first non Kung-Fu movie?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

The Lovelock noticed that an actor in the background hit his head on something (clearly not on purpose) and he made us rewind and watch it over about four times (finding it hilarious that they used that take).  It actually was kind of funny, though.  So from an actual STORY perspective, it turns out the girl that Aziz wanted to save was a complete whore, so they went all the way to save her but it turns out she called half of the city to come and save her (and bone her... bone her with boner). 

[...]

[With the help of a Russian soldier, they put C4 all over the satellite, but Aziz’ brother is bitten.  It is sad.]

Lovelock: The C4 is clearly just a bunch of sticks of butter.

[Aziz’ Bro is gonna stick around to detonate the C4, and Aziz gets to kill his boss.]

[...]

On the bright side, they end up saving the world. And Aziz still gets the girl, because he gets the cop, who is RIDICULOUSLY hot.  Seriously.  The movie ends with a twist where, now, the safe zone is full of vampires, randomly.  And it feels as if they want to do a sequel.

[...]

Starkwell: Killed his boss and he got the girl?  Living the dream.

Lovelock: Honestly, look at that girl.  I need to go to Dutchlandia.

Starkwell: I think you mean the Netherlands.

Lovelock: It’s pronounced Dutch.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: NEDERLAND.

Starkwell: You really lost me.

Lovelock: Ned Nederlander.

Starkwell: ...

Lovelock: As you Americans say we shall play for keeps.

[...]

Solid fun little picture.  Some unnecessary slow motion here and there, some painfully outdated references (“Thriller”, “Scarface”, “Pulp Fiction”), some predictable lame jokes, but overall, this was pretty enjoyable.  Plus they never had to resort to gratuitous boobies etc. (although I'm sure no one would have minded with the main character being as beautiful as she was), which I can respect a lot.  Since EVERY cheesy American made movie always throws in some tits and buttz to try and fill the seats.  Also, what ever happened to the bank robber guy?  Weird.

The Coed and the Zombie Stoner.

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The ABCs Of Death.

The anthology film has seen a dramatic comeback in the lower budget regions of the horror genre in the last few years.  No doubt because it is a way for several directors to pool together resources… also it caters to short attention spans and doesn’t require writers/directors to come up with an actual movie’s worth of story time.  Lazy?  Maybe.  If done right, these can be a lot of fun.  Think “Creepshow” or the original “Tales from the Crypt”.  But then I think “V/H/S” and I get worried.  As do Lovelock and Starkwell.

[...]

[You know what the big issue here is already… they see that the movie clocks in at two hours and ten minutes.]

Starkwell: I think we should skip some letters.

Lovelock: Is ‘Z’ for zombie in this case?  Can we just go right to there and make this a five minute affair?

Starkwell: Oh God, I hope zombies show up before ‘Z’.

[...]

Can I just say, this movie is fucking insane?  I mean REALLY insane.  Different concepts, ideas, styles, animated SWITCH to live action, different genres, Hell, even different Languages… There’s a claymation segment for God’s sake… The two sat there looking happy, but like they were also being kicked in the balls.  At many points, I thought we would definitely lose Starkwell… FoxLady with tits, aminated shit, dudes jacking off… There eventually were some zombies that showed up in ‘W’ (I'm still surprised they hung on for that many letters...).  Clown zombies to be precise.  It was a bad segment.  But by this time they were totally fucking speechless.  The film would get higher marks if it weren’t so damn offensive (unnecessarily so), and basically pointless.

Last Days on Mars.

The premise behind this one sounds like a cross between “Ghost of Mars” and a more traditional outbreak-style zombie film.  The potential is there, but given that I haven’t really heard much about this movie, I have a bad feeling maybe it doesn’t deliver.  However, I’ve been wrong before.

[...]

[Two astronauts drive around Mars and shoot the shit.]

Starkwell: Joyriding on Mars.  Seems fun.

Lovelock: Not a care in the world, apparently.

[...]

The cast seems very competent - Liev Schreiber, the girl from “Sixth Sense”, the guy who played Casey Jones in the first Turtles movie…  We are looking good right now.  I think this is not gonna be a stinker!  The astronauts are on their last day of their Mars mission, and they seem a bit anxious to get the Hell out.

[...]

[The Russian Dude on the team finds life on Mars, but doesn’t want to share with the team.  While out there, the ground beneath him crumbles and he falls into Mars’ core.]

Lovelock: See, that’s what greed brings.  Death.

Starkwell: Deep, guy.  Very deep.

Lovelock: NOICE!  I just noticed that Casey Jones is playing the captain and the captain is Canadian!

[...]

The team gets the go-ahead to try and retrieve the Russian.  While on their way back to the site, the Russian’s girlfriend goes totally insane and disappears.  Space… madness?

[...]

[Liev Schreiber goes down after him into the hole, he finds LIFE.]

Lovelock: So, he sees creepy fungus growth while having weird hallucinations and decides to CONTINUE DOWN THE RABBIT HOLE?

Starkwell: Can’t become an astronaut if you aren’t brave.

Lovelock: And a lot crazy.  Maybe a little dumb too.

[...]

The rest of the crew pulls him back up after he freaks out, and he’s all like “nothing happened down there, I’m fine, whatevs”.  Meanwhile, they notice two pairs of footsteps leading away from the hole… presumably the Russian and his girlfriend.

[...]

[Dude lets the Russian back into the ship, and takes off his mask to reveal HE’S A DEMON NOW.  Russian Demon drills through the guy’s stomach, with a drill that happened to be lying around.]

Lovelock: He looks like an alien. 

Starkwell: Well, he sounds like a velociraptor.

Lovelock:  Kills like a dream.

[...]

The crew is trying to figure out what they are.  Zombies?  Aliens?  Demons?  I’ll tell you what they are.  They’re amazing.  “Sixth Sense” woman witnessed it all and she is FREAKING OUT, trying to tell them all that they’re all fucked, basically.  Methinks she’s right.

[...]

[Casey Jones is hurt bad, man.]

Starkwell: Just a flesh wound?

Lovelock: The best ones always go too soon.  He was a true Canadian hero.

[Right before he dies, he goes a little bonkers and tries to choke a dude.]

Lovelock: KILL IT! KILL IT!

[So, now he dies, and “Sixth Sense” girl restrains him and straps his dead body down to the gurney.]

Starkwell: Smart.

Lovelock: No wonder Jason Schwartzman falls for her.

Starkwell: Wait... the character... ?

Lovelock: Bill Murray too.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell stayed quiet for the next while, on the edge of their seats, gripped by the SUSPENSE!  The surviving astronauts study blood samples from Casey Jones and realize he’s infected by the Mars life shit that they found earlier.  Liev Schreiber continues to have his bizarre hallucinations about being stuck in an airlock or something.  He goes to explore the ship where they locked in the other zombies.  It’s very “Event Horizon” meets “Aliens” meets something something.

[...]

[Liev fights a zombie and is unable to make him stop getting back up.]

Lovelock: They have the technology to on a mission to Mars, but when fighting a zombie, he resorts to beating him with a flashlight?

Starkwell: They probably didn’t expect to be fighting stuff on Mars.

Lovelock: Wait a minute, this is the future. Where are all the phaser guns?

[I hope I'm not the only one who caught that reference.]

[...]

The crew is down to only three members at this point.  Liev, Blondie and Coward Guy.  Coward Guy takes off with the only good range rover leaving Liev and a possibly infected Blondie in a range rover with not much juice left and dwindling oxygen to fend off the zombies who are closing in fast.

[...]

Lovelock: Why don’t they ever make a happy movie about Mars?

[He says this after Possibly Infected Blondie kills herself in front of Liev… she immediately comes back and goes full rabid, mumbling “KILL ME”.]

Starkwell: This makes “Total Recall” look kind of happy.

Lovelock: Nothing ever happens on Mars.

[I hope I'm not the only one who caught that one as well... Liev kills her, in the head with a rock.]

Lovelock: Works better than the flashlight, doesn’t it?

[...]

The cavalry shows up, but they let Coward Guy, who is now Coward Zombie, onto the ship and they all get deaded.  Liev FINALLY kills coward guy with a series of helmet head butts to the face.  Still no lasers, but it does the job.  Then he throws him into space and sails off into the sunset.  Except there is no sunset, and we never get to see if he makes it or not.  All in all a fun little picture from a first-time (full length) director.

BURT MALONE LETTERS: Kids' Shows with Zombies in Them.

Burt just sent me an email out of the blue, complaining about Kids' Shows with zombies in them.  This might have to do with  the fact that I recently heard Burt Malone is gonna be a father soon.  I think he’s frustratingly trying to find something he could watch with his kid other than the standard fare.

[...]

HOLY SHIT Kev, where to start?

First, I tried watching one episode of “My Babysitter’s a Vampire” and it made me throw up all over my own face.  The first episode starts and it’s as if I’m supposed to already know who these two fucking knobs are.  Saying shit like “newbs” and “spellcaster” and “vampire killing”.

Like all shows about teenagers, the plot revolves around a guy doing what he's gotta do to try to get into girls' pants.  He may not know that’s what he’s doing, but that’s what he’s doing.  In this case that means bringing her dog back to life.  And then one character was like “Harry Potter would be ashamed” and then I’m pretty sure there was a foghorn sound, and then this theme song starts that sounds like a terrible Sugar Ray B-Side, and I stopped watching.

I did however skip forward to the actual “zombie” episode, and it was even worse than I thought it would be.  Truth be told, I probably would have liked this show if it were on when I was a kid.  That’s not saying much though, because I used to look forward to watching TGIF.

Step by step.  Day by day.  Moving right along.  

I decided to give R.L. Stine’s “The Haunting Hour” a shot, and I must say, this one was much more delightful.  It helped that the zombie episode I watched had the kid from “Modern Family” in it.  Eventually the kid reanimates a corpse (?), and honestly, the makeup job is sweet, and it’s fairly scary.  If my TGIF watching self had seen this, I’d probably have shit my pants.

The story plays out like something in between “Re-Animator”, “Frankenstein” and, well, “Lassie”?  One lame thing though, “The Haunting Hour” is only a thirty minute show, which I think might be confusing for children.

Cheeky the zombie likes the Home Shopping Network!  And in the end we even get to meet his zombie mom!  It’s all fairly cool.

This R.L. Stine show got me thinking about that “Goosebumps” show from twenty years ago.  There was a two part ‘living dead’ type episode where all the townspeople are poisoned by some kind of chemical disaster.  Part one is slow moving and boring.  It picks up a little bit in part two but I can’t help but feel that most kids, if they aren’t too afraid to watch this kind of show, will not have the required attention span to sit through it.  Nice to see the Canadian landscapes though.  Like in the newer R.L. Stine show, the zombies look pretty sweet, although the “SPECIAL EFFECTS” when the zombies steam/dissolve/die in the sunlight are PISS POOR.

Apparently there’s a movie coming out called “Goosebumps” where Jack Black plays R.L. Stine.  So that’s something to… look forward to?

After “Goosebumps” I tried watching “Frankenweenie” but fell asleep eating a sandwich.  I mean the plot is like a combination of that FUCKING “Vampire Babysitter” episode I watched and the more enjoyable “Haunting Hour” (this may not be accurate though, I feel asleep very quickly).  Why is it that in kid-friendly horror stuff they always bring dogs back to life?

I would like to say, however, that what I saw of “Frankenweenie”, was actually quite good, and the animation kicked fucking ass.  I don’t blame the movie for my falling asleep, I blame the genoa salami.  Also I ended up having nightmares.  Again, not from the movie, probably from the genoa.  Stupid nightmare sandwich.

If I follow YOUR scoring style, I'd have to give the babysitter show a 1/4, "Haunting Hour" and "Frankenweenie" a 3/4 and the old "Goosebumps" a 2/4.  But since I don't follow YOUR scoring style, I will give the babysitter show a "FUCK YOU", the haunting hour gets a solid "MEH", "Goosebumps" gets the honorary award for "90's haircuts and mom jeans" and "Frankenweenie" gets a Tim Burton.

IN CONCLUSION.  I think I’m better off waiting until the kid is older, and just introduce him to real zombie movies right off the bat.  How old is old enough to watch Fulci movies?  Six?  Definitely by seven, right?  In the meantime, I’ll just show him Looney Tunes cartoons.

That’s it, I’m actually gonna go watch some cartoons now.

[...]

He should have also watched “Paranorman”, which was actually pretty awesome too.  Good luck with the baby Burt Malone.  Try and squeeze in some time to write me, from time to time.