FILM FEST: The Unwatchables - Poor DVD Choices.

This second round of Unwatchables is coming at you thanks some very poor DVD buying decisions that I have made.  I am noticing a pattern too.  The only movies that seem to make it to the dreaded unwatchable status were made after the turn of the millennium.  Often people will talk about movies and how we don’t make them like we used to.  Apparently, we even don’t make trashy micro-budget ones like we used.  Starkwell and Lovelock didn’t make it through any of these films from start to finish, but here was a little of what they had to say about each before they set the DVD player on fire.  Seriously, I went through six DVD players.

[...]

[Necropolis Awakened (2002)]

Starkwell: The box said “Pulp Fiction” meets “Day of the Dead”.  I’m not really getting that.

Lovelock: It’s more like a porno based on “Pulp Fiction” meets a high school film festival entry based on “Day of the Dead”.  But without any sex in it, and they’d finish last at the festival.

Starkwell: Why would anyone make their voice do that?

Lovelock: Probably so he could play more than one character.

[...]

[Exhumed (2003)]

[First story, samurai short with zombies.]

Starkwell: This kind of feels like a white person version of what he thinks a samurai movie would be…. Oh wait.

[Second story, film noir, with zombies.]

Lovelock: Holy shit! That is the most annoying voice I have ever heard.  Where did they find her?

Starkwell: It sounds like someone imitating someone who’s imitating someone who’s imitating a person from that era.

[Third story, they never watched.]

[...]

[Invasion (2005)]

Starkwell: The first person view from the squad car is interesting.  Nice concept.

[10 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Wow... sticking to the squad car angle... bold.

[10 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Wait are they just driving in circles in a field and filming it?

[30 minutes later.]

Starkwell: Zzzzzzzzzzzz…

[Lovelock was asleep the whole time.]

[...]

[Automaton Transfusion (2006)]

Starkwell: Do you think they made this movie just to see that girl’s boobies?

Lovelock: It would explain why the rest of the movie seems like they were making it up as they went along.

Starkwell: I think I would respect this movie more if it were made twenty years ago.

Lovelock: It’s original “Degrassi” meets “Children of the Living Dead”.

Starkwell: Spot on.

[...]

[Night of the Living Dead 3D (2006)]

Starkwell: Do you think they decided to have the soft-core barnyard sex scene before or after they made it 3D?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but I don’t think my glasses are working very well.  But I do see well enough to know that Sid Haig really needs money.

Starkwell: Yeah, he must have been fresh off of shooting “House of the Dead 2”.

Lovelock: I sort of wish my glasses was a blindfold.

Starkwell: And that it had earplugs attached.

[...]

[Trailer Park of Terror (2008)]

Starkwell: So… characters that I hate being killed by other characters that I hate?

Lovelock: Plus it’s gross!

[...]

On the bright side, at least we have six new coasters for the coffee table.  Some of these had some good ideas, but all eventually spiralled dreadfully out of control and ended up in Unwatchable Town.  I think Sid Haig might be the mayor there.  I’m going to go bake some brownies, and hopefully Lovelock and Starkwell will begin talking to me again.

The Dead Next Door.

Apparently this movie took years to complete.  That’s what happens when you have no budget and try to tackle a story as grand as the one put forward in JR Bookwalter’s “Dead Next Door”.  Shot in Ohio through the majority of the ‘80s, this one saw its completion and release in ’89, and may or may not have lived up to everyone’s hopes.  Let’s at least find out what Starkwell and Lovelock think of it.  Apparently Bookwalter followed this with a movie called “Robot Ninja” where a scientist helps a comic-book artist to become the superhero he has created in order to battle a vicious gang of rapists.  So yeah.

[...]

[Zombie tried to rent "Dawn of the Dead"]

Lovelock: Sweet VHS boxes.

Starkwell: I think this is going to be one nutty ride.

[...]

[Zombie apocalypse montage.]

Starkwell: Why would they bother showing a zombie using the telephone for that long?

Lovelock: The same reason that they mostly cast people with mullets.

[...]

We get introduced to some Zombie Squad members, some pretty sweet gore and some of the worst acting in the history of people.  But, as Lovelock noted, “somehow it works.”

[...]

[Binocular shot.]

Starkwell: If you’re going to use construction paper to create that effect, you could at least make smooth cuts.

Lovelock: You ever try to cut perfect circles with scissors?  It’s impossible.

[...]

Lovelock: I think I’ve seen this movie before.  It was called “Ghostbusters.”

Starkwell: Are you basing that entirely on the Squad Car?

Lovelock: Maybe.

[...]

The overdubbing is funny.  Starkwell mentioned that it gives it that “campy Bruno Mattei feel.”  In order to save the world, they have to find some guy’s research lab in Akron, Ohio, the scientific center of the world, apparently.

[...]

[Reverend Sunglasses and his Church of Bad Haircuts keep zombies in a pen, and feed them humans.]

Lovelock: There’s something weird about this Reverend…

Starkwell: He runs a cult, sacrifices people, and feeds them to the zombies.

Lovelock: That’s not it.

Starkwell: It’s not?

Lovelock: No, I know!  It’s his fashion sense.  Who wears a khaki shirt and khaki pants?  What is he, a zookeeper?  And why is he always wearing those old lady Terminator sunglasses?

[...]

Not much was happening after this.  Starkwell and Lovelock made a half dozen comments about Commander Mullet and his braid.  There was a random hippy guy talking about “'Nam flashbacks” right before a grenade blew him up.  Trust me, it sounds better than it is.  Then the Zombie Squad guy grenaded a tree so he could drive through it and Starkwell walked out.  The rest is just stuff that Lovelock muttered to himself.

[...]

Lovelock: Worst graffiti ever.  “The Master Dude!”  What does that even mean?

[...]

Lovelock: Reverend Sunglasses looks like Gilbert Godfrey, but sounds like an asshole.

[...]

Lovelock: STARKWELL!  YOU’RE MISSING A MELTING ZOMBIE! MELTING!

[...]

Lovelock: You’re going down Doctor Trucker Hat.

[...]

Lovelock: Why would you open that door? Oh snap, zombie hands!  Guitar solo!

[...]

Lovelock: I think that cage is made of paper.

[...]

I don’t think Lovelock appreciated the twist ending, since he just stood up and said “Dumb.”  He liked the gore effects overall, but Bookwalter definitely bit off more than he could chew, and the result is a patchy film that lacks cohesion.  Impressive nonetheless.  Lovelock gives him credit for trying.  Starkwell was glad he bailed when he did.  The songs that play during the ending credits are totally insane.  And I thought only Burt Reynolds movies had awesome theme songs.

Dead & Buried.

Sometimes it’s good to throw a different one into the mix.  Supposedly a little more along the lines of “Les Raisins de la Mort” or Romero’s “The Crazies”, 1981’s “Dead & Buried” is that age old tale of a town gone insane.  Directed by some dude named Gary Sherman, this one is perhaps more known for being partially written by legendary screenwriter Dan O’Bannon.  Yeah, the dude that wrote Alien!  This is another beautiful Blue Underground print.

[...]

[Soft piano intro, black and white stills, and a photographer strolling on the beach.]

Lovelock: Did we put the right DVD in?  This looks like it could be the intro for “Terms of Endearment”…

Starkwell: Does everything have to start with ‘splosions and bloody murder with you?

Lovelock: I take it back… the sax just kicked in, and he’s photographing a foxy blond.  Who’s taking her shirt off…?  Maybe it’s a porno DVD.

Starkwell: Not sure why we would have a porno mixed in with the horror DVDs.  Or “Terms of Endearment” for that matter…

Lovelock: HOLY SHIT SHOVEL TO THE HEAD BURNED AT THE STAKE.

[...]

For the next ten minutes or so, both Starkwell and Lovelock kept repeating “Welcome to Potters Bluff.”  It was almost as creepy as the opening scene.

[...]

[The Mortician drives an Ambulance SLASH Coroner vehicle.]

Starkwell: I would think that being both the paramedic and the mortician would be a conflict of interests…

Lovelock: When life gives him lemons, he makes lemonades.

Starkwell: What does that even mean?

Lovelock: Dead people are lemons.

[...]

[Nurse Betty finishes Freddie off.]

Starkwell: Was it really necessary to put the needle into his eyeball?

Lovelock: Are you for real?  That's like asking if boobies are necessary.  I think that when life shows you lemonades, you call it lemons.

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: Eyeball gags are definitely lemonades.

[...]

[Freddie is alive, kills them city folk.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never stop and ask for directions.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: That’s also why I don’t go wandering into the dark basement of a creepy abandoned house in the middle of the night in a small creepy town.

Starkwell: Should anyone really need a reason not to do that?

Lovelock: WELCOME TO POTTERS BLUFF.

[...]

As the madness progressed forward, the Sheriff continued to investigate the murders, and the insane reality started unearthing itself, Starkwell said that this only reaffirms O’Bannon’s greatness.  Lovelock said “Welcome to Potters Bluff” at least six or seven more times, often at random.

[...]

[Doc gets acid shot up his nose and his face melts from the inside.]

Lovelock: Alright, so deaths will now be rated from one to “acid up the nose”.

Starkwell: Forever?

Lovelock: No, just for the duration of this movie.  Afterwards, we will resume our rating system that goes from one to “face eaten by tarantulas”.

[...]

[The truth is revealed, and I think the Sheriff’s brain full exploded.]

Lovelock: So it’s kind of like “The Truman Show”.

Starkwell: How so?

Lovelock: Is it sort of like “The Matrix”?

Starkwell: Try again.

Lovelock: “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”? 

Starkwell: Are you just saying titles at random?

Lovelock: Welcome, to Potters Bluff?

Starkwell: Don’t you dare…

[...]

As the Sheriff tries to locate and bury his dead wife, and the Mortician makes himself up like a cheap whore and embalms himself, Starkwell and Lovelock just sat quietly watching the film wrap itself up neatly, blissfully mesmerized by the unique brand of incredible blazing into their wide open eyeballs at seventy-five miles per amazing.  Welcome, to Potters Bluff.

Teenage Zombies.

In the late 1950s, a man, a writer and director named Jerry Warren, set out to make his own statement about communism and whatnot, in his 1959 motion picture “Teenage Zombies.”  Well, I read off the internet that it’s about communism.  Lovelock hopes it’s about zombies.  Starkwell hopes it isn’t too long.  This film is packaged with three others on this disc.  This means that it probably isn’t very long, or very good.  As I hit play, both Starkwell and Lovelock are astonished at how bad the print looks.

[...]

[Out for a routine waterskiing session, teenagers find an island.]

Lovelock: The music certainly makes me think something crazy is about to happen.

Starkwell: Wait, they were out waterskiing in those outfits?

[...]

[Teenagers see hobbling people.]

Starkwell: How could their first guess be that they are walking dead?

Lovelock: He said doped or dead… I mean, his first suspicion was still wacky tabacky.

[...]

Considering the film’s short runtime, Starkwell was surprised how much screen time is eaten up with footage of them walking on the beach looking for their boat.  But the long trek did end with a pretty sweet looking zombie.

[...]

[They hear girls screaming.]

Starkwell: The zombie kind of looks like Super Mario.

Lovelock: It’s just Mario.  Super is more like a general way to describe him.  You know like, “man, that’s one super Mario.”

Starkwell: If you say so.

[...]

[Soda shop owner takes Dufus and Dotty to look for Water Ski Gang.]

Starkwell: Why would the soda shop guy take such an interest in their lives?

Lovelock: It was a different time, back then.

Starkwell: So the cops couldn’t find the island, but Dufus and Dotty steal Walt’s boat and find it immediately?

Lovelock: They didn’t steal it.  They just borrowed it, I’m sure Walt won’t mind.  Anyways, you need to be a teenager to think like a teenager…  After all, like Dufus said, “They just went water skiing, no special direction!”

Starkwell: This movie has no special direction.

[...]

The two seemed bored.  Nothing was happening.  They had a little excitement when the MILL CREEK ENTERTAINMENT logo randomly appeared in the bottom right corner for a couple of minutes.  But, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t part of the original film.

[...]

Lovelock: J.J. Abrams totally ripped this off when he created “Lost”.

Starkwell: Are you for real?

[...]

[Mad Scientist in evening gown gasses a guy in a gorilla suit.]

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: …

[...]

Starkwell: What kind of army colonel has curtains like that in his office?

Lovelock: Ones that are filmed in the director’s house.

[...]

[Guys break out then try to get the girls’ cell open.]

Starkwell: The main character was wearing a t-shirt before, now he is in a long-sleeve…

Lovelock: He has his sleeves rolled up.  Close enough.

[The guys leave the girls behind.]

Starkwell: Wow.  It really was a different time.

Lovelock: Whatever.  Those dames were just going to hold them back.  You can’t trust a skirt to make a clean getaway.

Starkwell: Hey, it’s a t-shirt again!

[...]

The main guys make a plan to build a raft, while skipping stones at the beach.  I think they really hate the girls, as they pretty much tell them to shut up and get some sleep.  Starkwell and Lovleock had mostly run out of things to say.  Unless you count “are we there yet?”

[...]

[The detective is in on it.]

Lovelock: Well, that explains everything.

Starkwell: No, no it doesn’t.  I think that just makes it more confusing.

[...]

Well, after teenagers turning into zombies and then back to normal again, they get away thanks to a zombie gorilla.  The teenagers saved America, apparently, and everything is back to normal.  Except the guy’s t-shirt which is long sleeve again.  Dufus suggests that they go horse back riding, and for some reason they all chase him out of the police station kicking him in the ass.  Then, the movie ends.  The real tragedy in all of this is that Starkwell and Lovelock can’t get their seventy-five minutes back.

Land of the Dead.

Considering he invented this shit, you would think people would have a little more respect for his more recent work.  Is it all as bad as people say?  Has he become a mockery of himself?  Let us, myself, along with Starkwell and Lovelock, find out.  This copy of George A. Romero’s 2005 return to the genre “Land of the Dead” came as a two disc set along with the Zack Snyder “Dawn of the Dead” remake.  It’s an extended uncut version not seen in theaters.  But we didn’t see it in the theaters anyways.

[...]

[Anytown U.S.A., the zombies are everywhere.]

Starkwell: Zombies playing tuba and trombone?

Lovelock: More like the Band of the Dead…

Starkwell: While it is refreshing to see slow walkers… communicating and thinking zombies?  I don’t know.

Lovelock: If Romero says they can, then they can.

Starkwell: Zombies like fireworks?

Lovelock: If Romero says they do, then they do.

Starkwell: Zombies have feelings?

Lovelock: If Romero says… aw fuck, I don’t know… I’m a little scared now.

Starkwell: Zombie using guns?

Lovelock: We may be witnessing another “Phantom Menace” here…

[...]

As worried as they were, the movie showed great promise, it had solid acting, and the type of proper zombie action that we all know and love.  It also had good characters, which is usually one major player that separates good zombie movies from terribly shitty ones.  The one bad part about the characters is that, as Starkwell noted, they all have “the dumbest fucking names I’ve ever heard.”

[...]

[Futuristic slums and anarchy.]

Lovelock: I think that in the future, the important slum lords wear hats.

Starkwell: It does sort of seem like that happens a lot.

Lovelock: Also, the women wear fishnet stockings and DON’T look inbred AT ALL.

[...]

[Puppet show.]

Starkwell: Did they just say zombie? They’re not supposed to say zombie.

Lovelock: Weak.

[...]

[Cholo asks for money…]

Starkwell: How is it possible that there is still money?  Why would it still be useful?

Lovelock: Maybe when he says ‘Five million dollars’ he really means ‘LOTS OF SANDWICHES.’

[...]

At one point they introduce three new characters for no reason.  Each is more ridiculous than the one before.  One actually says “call me Motown.”  I wish I was joking about that.  Lovelock said “I’ll just call you lame, and hopefully a few scenes from now, dead.”

[...]

[Kaufman gives a speech to his board of directors.]

Starkwell: Dennis Hopper kind of phoned this one in.

Lovelock: Why is there always a character that has a pet rat?

Starkwell: Also, he rides a skateboard.

[...]

[Zombies emerge from the water.]

Starkwell: Why would they be taking a breath?

Lovelock: Most likely for the same reason that it was necessary to show two women making out.

[...]

[Fat Hawaiian punches girl out.]

Starkwell: How about a nice Hawaiian punch?!?

Lovelock: Call me Motown.

[...]

[Motown gets eaten.]

Starkwell: Call me Motown.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock went quiet for a while, as the action picked up and the gore levels went off the charts.  They both yelled out “TOM SAVINI” at one point.  For no real reason, they repeated “Call me Motown” a few times as well.

[...]

[Zombies kill restaurant goers.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never sit on the terrace.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well also, sometimes there are people smoking out there.

[...]

[Main African American zombie looks all intense and shit.]

Lovelock: Romero may as well have given him the ability to say stuff like “Damn” and “Bitch, please” and “Aw hell no!”

Starkwell: It would certainly be less annoying than that moan of his.

[...]

Look, the movie has its problems, but Starkwell and Lovelock both approve of the film.  It has some great ideas, and although not all were executed perfectly, the movie is an overall success, even if the zombies learn how to feel and make car bombs and shit.

Buttcrack.

I tried to protect Lovelock and Starkwell from Troma as long as I could, but the time has finally come to expose them to that special brand of beast, the Troma film.  And what a way to introduce them to it!  1998’s Buttcrack, by one-time-only writer-director Jim Larsen!  On the plus side, the film features one of my favorite rockers of all time, Mojo Nixon.  On the down side, this will likely not help the movie much, and may only succeed in tarnishing my opinion of him, like when I found out Beck was into Scientology, or that Prince was completely insane.  The DVD starts with that signature Troma intro that makes me a little queasy, and we get this show on the road.  Scratch that, we have not yet gotten it on to the proverbial road, as Lloyd Kaufman has decided to come on and introduce the movie, and talk forever.

[...]

[Guy in loudest shirt ever wants to propose to his girlfriend.]

Starkwell: You might want to change that shirt before you propose.

Lovelock: I don’t know.  If she says yes to that shirt, then you know she’s in for the long haul.

[...]

[Fat roommate keeps interrupting their evening.]

Lovelock: What was his plan… have sex on the couch with the roommate playing Atari in the background, and then propose?

Starkwell: I think guys that dress like that don’t make good plans, in general.

[...]

At first the random nonsensical songs that the fat guy Wade would burst into were pissing Starkwell and Lovelock off.  But about ten minutes in, they couldn’t get enough of him and his singing, and even started repeating what he was singing... And his t-shirts are out of control.  He might be the only good thing in the movie so far, except for random Mojo songs periodically playing in the background.

[...]

Lovelock: I think they found the cast waiting in line at the DMV.

Starkwell: Where?

Lovelock: Somewhere awful.  Somewhere where they don't have good movies.  Somewhere where people hate movies.  Somewhere where people hate life.  

[...]

[Wade interrupts again.]

Starkwell: Who pukes from looking at a butt crack?

Lovelock: The type of woman who falls in love with dudes that look like the least popular kids at Degrassi.

Starkwell: I kind of agree with what Wade has to say.  Brian sucks.

Lovelock: Seriously, the whole movie should just be Wade making fun of people for being “pervoes”.

[Wade dies.]

Lovelock: Well, there goes that idea.

[...]

Mojo does a decent job playing an insane preacher, but it’s not enough to stop Starkwell and Lovelock from hoping for a power failure. I should probably mention that nothing has happened, and there is no sign that anything will happen.

[...]

[Characters feel guilty, for one second, but then start basically saying that they’re glad he’s dead and dance.]

Starkwell: The director might have been smart to cover up her acne before going in for the extreme close-up. Or, don’t use a close-up.

Lovelock: Maybe he’s trying to symbolize that she isn’t perfect.

Starkwell: Yeah well, we can see that from far away.

[...]

After the fourth or fifth time that the film faded to black between scenes, Starkwell started to wonder if those were meant to be commercial breaks.  Lovelock then said that he could “go for a commercial break.”  Starkwell agreed, adding that “most Folgers commercials have better stories.”

[...]

[Preacher marries the two main characters and they “get the party goin’”.  With a boombox.]

Starkwell: They’re all dancing to a different rythym.

Lovelock: It’s the late nineties and he still is listening to cassette tapes.

Starkwell: Where would he even get tapes?

Lovelock: The same place he gets his clothes.

Starkwell: The same place Wade go his Atari.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock weren’t paying much attention anymore, but kept repeating the line “CHURN THE MILK AND MAKE IT BUTTER.”  They seem happy that Wade is back.  But it was short lived and they got bored very fast again.  Lovelock perked up because of a sweet shovel smack to Wade's head, but that too, was short lived.  The bad news is that there is only fifteen minutes left, and there isn’t a zombie in sight.  The good news is that there is only fifteen minutes left.

[...]

[TWIST ENDING.]

Starkwell: Why would a grown man visit a graveyard with his old parents?

Lovelock: Hopefully to get killed.

Starkwell: Oh look! Bloopers during the credits!  Just like a real movie!

[...]

Thank you, Troma, for another piece of shit.  Fuck this movie.  Shame on you, Mojo.  Considering that you once referenced “Vanishing Point” in a song, I would have thought you would have had the sense to not be in this.  On the bright side, the film’s special features include a live performance by Mojo, which, as Lovelock said, “is worth at least one dollar out of the TOO MANY dollars that this thing cost.”