Army of the Dead.

I don’t know if it is meant to look like the cover of “Army of Darkness”, but it sort of does.  Probably, they’re trying to force people to buy it accidentally.  I bought it on purpose in an attempt to further torture and annoy Starkwell and Lovelock.  I’m hoping it’s full of stop-motion animation of skeletons swinging swords.

[...]

[A bunch of Spanish Conquistadors get killed by Skeleton Warriors…I think.]

Starkwell: Wait so is all of the action going to be shown as shadows on cave walls?

Lovelock: Why would the skeletons need to use flaming arrows?  In a cave?  At close range?

[So… yeah… not stop-motion.]

[...]

Then it cuts to present day, where a bunch of college kids (or T.A.s… I’m not sure) are going on some kind of dune buggy race through the desert.  With some of their professors.  Yeah.  At one point one of the professors tells the story of a camper who got killed by Zombie Skeleton Warriors ‘round these here parts looking for the lost gold.  The effects looked, real bad.  So obviously, the next day, the professor separates from the group hunting for the treasure.

[...]

[Main character’s ex girlfriend, or some bitch he had an affair with or something, is part of the group.]

Starkwell: Because, this movie wasn’t lame enough, we needed to add a trampy ex lover.

Lovelock: Bitches be crazy.

[...]

[Professor and some hired… mercenaries (?) go into a cave.]

Lovelock: That looks like the exhibits when you wait in line for a ride at an amusement park.

Starkwell: It probably is.

Lovelock: Shot on location, Universal Studios Florida.  Islands of Adventure.

[They find the gold, mercenaries turn guns on the professor.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never trust mercenaries.

Starkwell: Solid reason.

[...]

So basically the Zombie Skeletons show up looking like the computer effects in a mattress commercial and kill everybody.  Then later they show up at the camp and bombard it with flaming arrows!  Bad CGI explosions everywhere!

[...]

Starkwell: A flaming arrow landing beside the car wouldn’t explode the car.

Lovelock: Zombie Skeletons wouldn’t be able to groan without vocal cords either, but I think it’s time to suspend our disbelief.  And stop watching.

[...]

Eventually they find a place to hide, but the Skeletons find them and kill everyone except the main character and his girl.  It turns out the only way to stop Zombie Skeletons is with a really big electric shock.  It’s going to take them a while to forgive me for this one.

Dead Season.

Starkwell and Lovelock seem largely unimpressed with the larger part of zombie films released over the past decade.  There are a few major classics that stand out, but so much of the genre has become stale, watered down, cheap (and not in the good way) and made by people either looking to make a quick buck, or people that don’t like the genre for the right reasons (I know… That’s being very pretentious, but fuck it).  This brings us to yet another new entry in the most flooded genre of the day, “Dead Season”.  We’ll see.

[...]

[The movie starts quickly with the outbreak in full gear, the narrator on screen makes mention of it beginning in Pittsburgh.]

Lovelock: I’m surprised you’re not vomiting or throwing shit at the TV.

Starkwell: Subtle references can act as a polite nod to the classics.  If they get more “in-your-face” about it, or all “look, these are movies WEEEEee like too, so that means you should automatically like the turd that we made!” then trust me, you’ll hear some serious bitchin’ from this side of the couch.

[...]

So the film introduces us to who I assume will be the main character who continues his narration, which is actually not narration, but a conversation he is having with some random girl on a radio.  They make plans to meet.  The girl, Tweeter, and a little boy, Cody, go and meet with the main guy, Elvis.  Considering how fast the film was starting, shit then got real slow real fast.

[...]

Starkwell: Of course his name is Elvis.

[...]

They call the zombies ‘walkers’, which is pretty weak, since that’s kind of a “Walking Dead” TV show thing.

[...]

Lovelock: Lame.

[...]

The trio of Elvis, Cody and Tweeter, make way to Elvis’ boat, which apparently works great now and has fuel.  The zombies look… well… bad.  But as Starkwell pointed out “at least they’re slow” to which Lovelock replied “LIKE THE ACTION.  AND THE STORY.”  Boom.

[...]

[Cody goes down into the boat’s cabin, gets bitten.]

Starkwell: Solid plan sending him down there, Tweeter.

Lovelock: Am I the only one who feels like the actors are whispering their lines?  Like they're not supposed to be filming there?

Starkwell: Another hallmark of such a high budget production.

[...]

Lovelock and Starkwell began asking me to fast forward, so, I THINK, after shooting Cody in the head, Tweeter and Elvis ended up on some island, where they met up with some rough bad people who took them prisoner.

[...]

Starkwell: Obviously we need to see them spray a bare-breasted Tweeter with a hose.

[...]

It’s not terrible so far.  It reminds them of another movie “Autumn”, since it similarly tries to hit some pretty heavy themes, but done on a shoestring budget and with a serious deficit in the acting and dialogue department.  Anyways, it turns out the people are running some kind of island community, with like, strict rules.  I guess Tweeter isn’t all that JAZZED to be another one of the community “whores” so, obviously, I don’t see Elvis and Tweeter becoming a valued member of their society.

[...]

[Fairly long sex scene between Tweeter and Elvis.]

Lovelock: Boy, you sure can feel the passion.

[Sarcasm.]

Starkwell: He looks as bored as I am.

[...]

Lovelock: TOM GREEN.  That’s who he reminds me of.

[...]

Tweeter makes plans with the Leader of the Island Folk’s daughter to escape the island on a boat that Tweeter found.  Eventually she lets Elvis in on the plan.  Also, the Island Community becomes overrun with zombies.

[...]

Starkwell: What is it with these movies, where like, half of the zombies have white eyes, and then the other half just look like people bleeding from the mouth?

Lovelock:  I guess not all of the extras owned white contacts…

Starkwell: “WANTED: Extras to play zombies.  Bring your own White Eye Contacts.”

[...]

Well, in the end Tweeter, Elvis and Rachel (the daughter) escape on the boat.  Basically, Tweeter and Elvis went to an island, did sex, avoided rape a couple times, and ended up replacing dead Cody with an alive Rachel… and… then they sail off into the sunset.  The end.  ‘A’ for effort.  I do commend the makers of the film for trying to do something a little more serious inside the genre, and actually, ALMOST pulling it off.  Most no-budget films go right for the cheap laughs, since it’s easier.  The problem with going the harder route?  Much more chance of utter failure.

Night of the Living Dorks.

I used to think that a movie whose title is simply a play on another movie’s title would automatically be disqualified from actually being cool.  However, then there’s “Shaun of the Dead”, a play on Romero’s “Dawn” and an exceptional movie.  So maybe they aren’t all inherently horrendous.  Since Lovelock and Starkwell are about to watch a night of the living “dorks”, I can’t help but hope that this 2004 German film doesn’t allow my original prejudice to rise from its grave.  You see what I did there?

[...]

[You really can’t watch the dubbed version.  It really weakens the film.]

Lovelock: Subtitles?  Awww… boooooo!

[...]

[In Haiti, zombie attacks family, grandma kills it with a flamethrower.]

Lovelock: Off to a good start.

[Someone steals the zombie ashes until they end up on the German version of eBay.]

Starkwell: Why Germany?

[Kid wakes up with a huge boner.  Mom tells neighbor girl about it.]

Starkwell: Germany… Why?

[...]

Philip and his two weenie friends, named Weener and Konrad, drive to school in a shitty VW MiniBus and talk about humping girls.  Philip likes the most popular girl in school, and OBVIOUSLY doesn’t realize that his neighbor, the Goth Girl, clearly likes him.  As soon as he gets to school, he tries talking to Popular Girl and, as a result, Philip, Weener and Konrad all get punched in the face by the Popular Dudes and Philip gets a wedgie.  This sparks a conversation between Lovelock and Starkwell about when the last time they saw a wedgie in a movie was.  As they discussed this, they didn’t miss a whole lot, other than being introduced to every character in the cookie cutter high school comedy book.  Oh, and it turns out the Goth Girl’s other Goth Buddy is the one who has the zombie ashes.  I feel like something bad is gonna happen.

[...]

[Weener Gang go to the cemetery with the Goth Gang and try to raise the dead using the zombie ashes.  Ashes end up all over Weener Gang.]

Lovelock: Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

Starkwell: Nice.

[...]

Then the Weener Gang get in a car crash and die, and they all wake up in the morgue, with their toes tagged, dead, but still themselves.  Starkwell and Lovelock weren’t saying much.  Most of the jokes worked relatively well, and the story was enough to keep their interest.  I think they were anxious to see where this was going.

[...]

[Apparently, as zombies they have x-ray vision?  Well, at least Konrad looked at a classmate’s ass and immediately her jeans disappeared and he saw her bare ass.]

Starkwell: Wait… can he actually see naked girls under their clothes… or is it just like when a cartoon character is hungry and looks at someone and they turn into a turkey?

Lovelock: I’m not sure, but I think either way the answer is “Director likes showing teenage ass”.

[...]

Weener and Philip seem to be acting relatively normally, but Konrad is going crazy… biting girls’ asses in class, eating raw meat in the cafeteria refrigerator and trying to get revenge on everyone in his “nerd” diary (apparently he kept a document of all the times he has been bullied, and who has bullied him). Philip and Weener try to talk some sense into Konrad, which annoys Lovelock who says “let him get his revenge!”  He always roots for the vigilante zombie underdog.

[...]

[Weener Gang play rugby against the Jocks and win!  And they plan on throwing a party at Philip’s house! Popular Girl kisses Philip!]

Lovelock: Nerds win!

Starkwell: Part “Revenge of the Nerds”, part “Shaolin Soccer”, part German… mostly bad.

[Konrad goes to the gym teacher’s office, he is clearly a pedophile and has posters of naked schoolboys… Konrad eats him after Gym Teacher tells him he has a big fat sausage to feed him…]

Lovelock: Umm...

[...]

They locked Konrad up so he wouldn’t eat people anymore… they gave him an old-school Gameboy for when he gets bored.  He looked at the cartridge, and said “Barbie’s Supermarket Adventure?” seemingly disappointed, but then follows it with “But I’ve played it three times already!”  It’s a good joke, but something about it struck Starkwell as REALLY funny and we had to pause it for a while so he could catch his breath.

[...]

[Four dudes have a jerking off contest… ???]

Starkwell: What the fuck dude?

Lovelock: Eurotrash.

[...]

Starkwell almost walked out during the gratuitous boob portion of the film, especially when they showed one of Philip’s testicles falling out of his pants and Weener stapling Philip’s penis back onto his body.  Lovelock was intent on staying too, although it made him feel all woozy and I think he may have blacked out for a second or two.  He woke up during the Konrad “Michael Jackson’s Thriller” dance scene… which only confused him more, especially since the music wasn’t ACTUALLY Jackson.

[...]

[Konrad kills King Jock Dude.  Weener and Philip bitch him out.]

Lovelock: Why must they try and suppress his awesomosity?

[Philip and Weener throw dead body down the stairs and hide it in a freezer.]

Starkwell: Solid stunt, whoever that actor was.

[...]

Anyways, Philip ends up at Goth Girl’s place with the Necronomicon, and his stomach growls while he stares at her boobs and butt.  

[...]

[He ends up burning the book when he knocks a candle over.]

Starkwell: Where is it written that in order to do Goth Shit you need to have nothing but candlelight? Fucking turn a light on and shit won’t get burned.

[...]

Anyways, they work with Rebecca Goth Girl to try and figure this shit out, which basically translates into a montage of them interrupting baptisms, asking girls in town if they are virgins, cleaning the house before Philip’s parents come home, and of course, making a potion!  So basically the potion works and all is back to normal.  The end.

Pop Punk Zombies.

Starkwell and Lovelock hate this kind of shit.

[...]

[Film starts. Some dudes hang out in a graveyard waiting for zombies.  One guy has his eye ripped out, and then the other guy hands the zombie a guitar and says “I love zombies”.  And the worst ‘punk’ song ever starts playing.]

Lovelock: …

Starkwell: So, this is one of those movies where all of the actors are just so psyched to be in their friend’s shitty movie that they smile in every scene all of the time?

Lovelock: …

[...]

They lasted about ten more minutes, if that, and walk out.  I should mention, the main character has a hilarious bowl cut.  The end.  Sometimes, even after they leave, I fast forward through the rest of the film, just to see what happens.  This time, I didn’t.

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday.

I honestly feel like if you were to create a history of my love of cheesy horror films, it probably all starts with “Jason Goes to Hell”.  I don’t want to age myself here, but I was young enough to be at least somewhat frightened, but old enough to totally laugh my ass off.  That was the night I first met Starkwell and Lovelock.  As much as I know that the years will not have been kind to this movie, and that it likely will not be even remotely frightening as I remember, nor as funny as I thought back then, and that this trip down memory lane can only end in TOTAL TRAINWRECK, I can’t help but feel excited to revisit this, with my two favorite film critics, now that we’ve all grown up and matured.  Yeah I know.  I made them watch “Erotic Nights of the Living Dead.” Maybe 'matured' is a strong word.  FUN FACT: One of the writers eventually went on to write for the AMAZING but short lived television show “Arrested Development”.  Maybe there will be some real comedy in here after all.

[...]

[Girl goes to a cabin, gets naked.]

Starkwell: Two boobies, one ass, and not a single line of dialogue yet.

Lovelock: You know what they say, “Talk is Cheap, Boobies are Forever”.

Starkwell: No one has ever said that.

Lovelock: "Boobies IS Forever"?

[Jason shows up to kill girl, turns out she’s a cop, it was all an elaborate ploy to get Jason.]

Starkwell: Why is he out in Crystal Lake anyways?  Didn’t he take Manhattan?

[...]

A bunch of cops shoot the bajesus out of Jason, he makes hilarious noises, then they shoot him with a rocket launcher and he blows up.  Lovelock was laughing his ass off, but Starkwell was asking a whole lot of questions.  It’s just like I remembered.

[...]

[Jason’s blown up body is at the morgue, doctor does an autopsy.]

Starkwell: Why would they be doing an autopsy?  Cause of death... WE BLEW HIM UP.

Lovelock: He’s a superhuman, maybe they want to try and learn his secrets?

Starkwell: So they hand him over to ONE doctor, working the graveyard shift at a shitty local morgue drinking orange soda?  Dude's body should be brought to Area 51.

[The Doctor is drawn to Jason’s heart, he picks it up, eats it, and then a bunch of light beams shoot into his body.]

Starkwell: Ummm…

Lovelock: So, no cameras or real security in this morgue then...

[...]

Apparently the doctor is now possessed by Jason.  He even walks by a mirror and his reflection showed Jason, NOT THE DOCTOR!  Then they introduce some crazy bounty hunter guy named Creighton Duke.  The movie seems confused with itself, unsure whether or not it wants to be a comedy or a scary or a seriously.  Lovelock and Starkwell both kind of dig the Duke though.

[...]

[Nerdy main character guy picks up teenage hitch hikers and drives them to Camp Crystal Lake.  They all get naked and two of them start to screw.]

Starkwell: Kind of sucks to be that other girl.

Lovelock: Seriously, she’s so desperate she offered Nerdface sex just like that.

[The girl that isn’t screwing gets killed by Possessed Doctor.]

Lovelock: We’ve seen as many pairs of boobs as we have seen kills.  And now we’ve seen some side peen.  Weak.

[Jason stabs Sexing Girl through the tent and cuts her in half.]

Starkwell: Kills three, boob pairs two, side peen, sadly, still one.

Lovelock: I’m just happy they finally showed some serious gore.

[...]

Then there’s a weird scene where the Doctor ties up a cop and transfers Jason to him via a kiss (I think).  And why did he shave off his mustache first?  Makes no sense.  I think it was Lovelock who said “Jason is an STD” or "Jason is like mono".  In the following scene we see the cop attempt to do the same to the waitress from the restaurant, who, for some reason wears her waitress outfit at home.  We see some kind of worm-snake protruding out of his mouth.  I think Starkwell just gave up.

[...]

Starkwell: Eat a heart, get a bunch of light beams, become Jason.  Kiss the Doctor, get a worm in your throat, become Jason.  Totally makes sense.

[Then the Duke explains to the Nerd that only a blood relative of Jason can kill Jason.  Turns out the dead waitress was Jason’s sister, so her daughter and grand daughter are also of the Voorhees bloodline.  Turns out Nerd is the father of the grand daughter.]

Starkwell: Right because it took nine movies for them to find out that Jason had a sister.

Lovelock: Weak.

[So weak.]

[...]

Only a Voorhees can kill a Voorhees, and only by destroying the heart.  Got it?

[...]

[Cop kisses Sleazy News Anchor, transfers Jason to him, and then melts all over the floor.  Sleazy News Anchor is Jason now.]

Starkwell: Wow.  I mean.  Wow.

Lovelock: Nice to see them FINALLY delivering on the gore.

Starkwell: Too bad there is no actual Jason in “Jason Goes to Hell”.

Lovelock: I don’t care who cuts naked ladies in two, so long as they ARE cut in two.

[...]

So Sleazy News Anchor chases Nerd and Girlfriend around and kills a mess of people along the way.  The story gets crazier and crazier and makes less and less sense.  I think the best/worst part was when the Duke threw Girlfriend (Jason’s niece) a knife and it turned into some kind of mystical dagger.  Oh yeah, then Jason’s heart squiggled out of some guy’s severed head and crawled around like a slug squealing like an alien-pig.  Then it went up into Jason’s dead sister’s vagina (she was locked in the basement and still wearing her waitress outfit) and Jason’s dead sister turned into fully living Jason.  Anyways, in the end, Voorhees Niece stabbed Jason in the heart with the magic dagger and a bunch of huge zombie hands reached out of a hole in the ground (being lit up by a spotlight from the Heavens for some reason (Aliens?)) and pulled Jason into… Hell (I think)?    I should add there is no explanation AT ALL about what is actually happening.  The dagger, the heart theory, the zombie hands, the beams of light, how no one knew that Vooorhees had living relatives EXCEPT the Duke…NOTHING IS EXPLAINED EVER.

[...]

[They show Freddy Krueger’s hand pull Jason’s mask into the ground.]

Starkwell: I love seeing the evidence of just how long they had been planning / working on the whole 'Freddie vs. Jason' thing.

Lovelock: Right... Jason, in 'X' FORM, still had to make one stop in space before he made it to that battle.  Ugh.

[EXTREME!]

[...]

Was it everything we remembered it to be?  Kind of, yeah.

Devil's Kiss.

For the most part, this seems like it will be cookie-cutter Euroshock madness… as cookie-cutter as that can ever be.  I hit play movie and it immediately starts with some kind of dance ceremony being held in a dungeon someone, with a bunch of old white rich people in attendance.

[...]

[Rich people watch half naked dancer girls and drink champagne.]

Lovelock: Talk about REALLY off-broadway.

[The title comes up and says that the movie is called ‘The Print of the Devil’ and is directed by a name not the same as that listed on TEH INTARWEBS.]

Starkwell: So… are we watching the right movie?

Lovelock: Is “Print of the Devil” kind of like “Mark of the Beast”?

[...]

The movie has some of the worst overdubbing I’ve ever seen.  And so far nothing makes any sense.  There’s a medium named “Claire”, and I think she’s undead.  But I can’t know for sure, because the movie makes no sense.  Apparently this hoity toity event is some kind of fashion show.  So obviously at one point we’re treated to a shot of the naked girls changing.

[...]

[The fashion show starts, and girls come out dancing to horrible funk music wearing insane leisure suits.]

Lovelock: If all fashion shows were like this, fashion shows would be much cooler.

Starkwell: I guess they’re showing how easy it is to get into the groove whilst in the clothing.

[...]

There’s a creepy tall pale guy who gets semi-rapey with one of the girls after the show and then it cuts immediately to the post fashion show séance being held in the dungeonesque basement of the castle(?).  Anyways, at the end of this séance, the half naked Fashion Model screams and apparently felt a presence.

[...]

Starkwell: Did he just say “teach me the Occult Sciences”?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but this dude’s a character.

Starkwell: “Telepathy is another field I shall like to delve into…”

Lovelock: Amazing.  He just told the Medium that he heard she likes RIDING.

Starkwell: I think he means horses.

[Cut to the medium riding a horse.]

Starkwell: You’d think if they were going to have a character that enjoys “riding”, they’d get an actress who isn’t so clearly inexperienced while riding a horse.

Lovelock: I’d love to see a ‘Print of the Devil’ blooper reel where she falls off a bunch of times.

Starkwell: The blooper reel would probably be almost entirely nipple slips.

Lovelock: I feel those would make the final cut in this type of movie.

[...]

At this point, I’ve completely lost track of what is happening in the movie.  I think the Medium picked up some kind of Dwarf while she was out riding.

[...]

[She gets some dinner for the Dwarf, then takes off her clothes in front of him.]

Lovelock: If you feed him, he’ll never leave. 

Starkwell: Wait… why is she… ?

Lovelock: Especially if she feeds him some of them big ol’ titties.

[...]

[Claire the Medium keeps having very vivid flashbacks.]

Starkwell: For a psychic, she’s awfully pre-occupied with the past.

[...]

Sometime during or after the fully unnecessary and absurdly long sex scene, Starkwell left the room and Lovelock fell asleep.  The end.  Well, not really the end, but I don’t feel like writing about this dud anymore.  At some point there was a black magic ceremony type of deal where some dude was resurrected.  It was the worst looking zombie / frankenstein’s monster hybrid that Lovelock and/or Starkwell and/or I have ever seen and then he goes around choking people out.