[REC]3.

The third part of the series of "[REC]" films has been met with a great deal of hostility.  It was given a fair amount of thumbs downs from critics and fans alike.  It's more straightforward, and even drops the handheld first person view at some point.  I know from what I’ve read that it tries for a more “comedy” direction.  As the film starts, this is apparent, since it plays as if we have just put in a wedding video.

[...]

[‘View Photos’ is selected on the Wedding Video menu, and we are treated to a slideshow.]

Starkwell: Kinda funny I guess.

Lovelock: This is why wedding videos are dumb.

[...]

After a few minutes it cuts and switches to someone filming first person view outside the church, before the wedding.  Anyways, the first one started similarly and did not take long to get going.  Since this is apparently happening simultaneously with the first film, I imagine it’s going to explode in action soon, especially given the film’s wimpy 80 minute runtime.  It is kind of a smart idea to have a found footage film set at a wedding, given most weddings have videographers.

[...]

[Wedding Ceremony.]

Lovelock: BORING.

Starkwell: They’re establishing characters, dude.

Lovelock: If I wanted to watch a boring ceremony, I’d have watched the Royal Wedding.

Starkwell: If you’re going to make cultural references, try and be a bit more current.

Lovelock: BORING.

Starkwell: Last year called, it wants its pop culture reference back.

[...]

[Closeup on an old man with a mysterious bandaged wound on his hand.]

Lovelock: Ok.  Alright. Here we go.  This is good.

Starkwell: I told you it wouldn’t take long.

Lovelock: BORING.

[...]

We start seeing the wedding reception and it is GIGANTIC.  I imagine shooting this film must have been fun, since so far it just looks like they candidly shot a bunch of actors having a party.  They keep hinting at the fact that the bride is pregnant.  But she hasn’t had a chance to tell the groom yet.  We’re almost a quarter of the way through the run time, and all we’ve really seen so far is wedding footage.

[...]

[Hand Wound Guy vomits outside.  Camera man sees dudes in HASMAT gear.]

Starkwell: Why isn’t anyone concerned that there are about seven or eight dudes outside who look like they’re hunting E.T.?

Lovelock: Alcohol?

[...]

[Uncle Hand Wound jumps off of the balcony down to the dance floor and starts eating his wife.  Zombies start jumping out from everywhere and eating people.]

Starkwell: Well, you wanted it to get going…

Lovelock: Even I feel that’s a bit much.

[TITLE SHOT … CREEPY MUSIC … IT IS NO LONGER 1^ST PERSON VIEW]

Starkwell: Wait, if this is the movie what was all of that before?

Lovelock: A wedding video.  Idiot.

[...]

The movies presses forward at a fast pace. It’s pretty cookie cutter stuff at this point… which is too bad since the series had started off with such a nice and fresh take on the whole zombie thing (I mean, the first film was looked at as a new achievement in ZOMBIE). Now it kind of feels like one of its own mockbusters.  We’ve already seen a topless zombie and a fat person zombie.  They’re really hitting all of the clichés.

[...]

Starkwell: Mostly predictable, but competently done, well written, and well acted, at least.

Lovelock: Plus I’m having fun!

[...]

It’s picking up again in the story department.  A chunk of characters (including Groom) are now bunkered down in the church.  The zombies seem to be afraid of the church, which makes sense, since we know from the second film that they are all demonically possessed.  At least they haven’t gone and changed everything.

[...]

[The bride, who is hauled up somewhere else with the priest gets a speech about how this is GENESIS.]

Lovelock: Yeah, Mr. Priest, this is a prog rock band from the 70s… pfff…

Starkwell: I don’t think that’s what he meant.

Lovelock: Sega?

Starkwell: GROAN.

[...]

Starkwell: The bride’s makeup still looks perfect.  What the fuck?

[...]

There was one crazy shot where multiple zombies stood in front of a mirror and their reflection showed what they were… NAKED OLD decrepit DEMON things!  Starkwell and Lovelock both gasped and I’m pretty sure Lovelock farted nervously.  Lots of shit is happening, and at some point, some of the characters started fighting with armour and ancient weapons they picked up around the old church.

[...]

[Groom kills zombie with a huge fucking mace.]

Lovelock: Might be the most metal zombie kill we’ve ever seen.

Starkwell: That’s a pretty big category man.  Hard to remember them all.

Lovelock: I’ll certainly remember that one.

[...]

Lovelock: AT least they got good weather…

[It starts pouring.]

Lovelock: THAT’S IT.  The day is ruined.

Starkwell: Yeah, the rain did it.

Lovelock: I feel like I should have been found a way to squeeze a Billy Idol reference in here somewhere.

Starkwell: It’s probably for the best.

[...]

[The Bride, armed with a chainsaw and a recently ‘made-more-sexy-with-a-slit-down-the-side’ wedding dress, goes in to find her Groom, with the Best Man at her side.]

Starkwell: In case you’re bored, have some eye candy!

Lovelock: I’m not.  But thanks. 

[...]

There are some good kills, and enough gore to go around.  And it all looks pretty good.  Eventually they are reunited and make it out alive, thanks to the priest who performs some sort of mass exorcism over the speakers.  Hooray! 

[...]

[Somewhere out on the grass, Bride is bitten, Groom chops off her arm to attempt to stop the possession.]

Lovelock: “Hey I wonder, would that work?”

Starkwell: “Get Shorty”?

Lovelock: Bingo.

[She still turns.]

Lovelock: Guess not.

[Groom picks up Bride and carries her out, and they get blown to smithereens by HASMAT SWAT Team.]

Lovelock: If they had done that to Elliot and E.T. in "E.T.", it might have been a better film.

Starkwell: You’re an idiot.

[...]

Other than complaining for a little while about how she managed to stay conscious, upright and walking after having her arm chopped off with a dull sword, Starkwell and Lovelock seemed pleased.  Is it as good as the first two?  Resounding no.  Is it better than a million percent of the shit coming out in this, the most saturated of sub-genres?  Absolutely it is.  That’s maybe not a glowing review, but it’s still mighty positive, if you’re a glass half full kind of a dude.  In any case, Starkwell and Lovelock are screaming for the fourth and final film.

[REC]2.

I need to apologize in advance for the frantic, at times, incoherent nature of the Lovelock / Starkwell conversation documented for "[REC]2"… The movie is just so frantic and insane that I simply couldn’t keep up with everything.  I did my best.  So apparently the action here picks up right where the first film left off.  Starkwell and Lovelock have wanted to watch this one pretty much since ONE SECOND after the first film ended.  Because a fair amount of time has gone by, a good deal of hype has now built up.  This is unfortunate for Balaguero and Plaza, since the expectations are now through the roof.  Let’s see if they can meet this now impossibly high bar that they set.  The film starts with the closing shot from the first film and then immediately switches to the helmet cam view of a SWAT team member heading to investigate the quarantined building.

[...]

[SWAT team arrives in the building.]

Starkwell: Back in the ol’ stomping grounds. 

Lovelock: Remind me not to ever join the SWAT team.  In Spain.

Starkwell: Was that ever an option? 

[...]

It’s nice to see the old building again.  From the first seconds of the film, the atmosphere is tense, and Starkwell and Lovelock are on the edge of their seats. Many nervous farts and weird gasps were heard on several different occasions.  The SWAT team explored the building.  What’s really cool, is since all team members have helmet cams, the director can switch from one person’s view to another as he chooses.

[...]

[Music is coming from an apartment. Martos goes to investigate.]

Starkwell: So Martos is the first to go I guess…

[Zombie pops out bites Martos.  Martos turns immediately.]

Starkwell: I don’t remember them turning that quickly in the first film.

Lovelock: Details schmetails.

[Group Leader guy recites some weird exorcism type shit and Martos stands like a deer in the headlight.]

Starkwell: That’s new too…

Lovelock: AND it’s fucking rad.  And creepy.  I just pooped a little.

[Lovelock goes to change his pants during one of the “dialogue” scenes.]

[...]

Then the Leader Dude explains to them the origin of the plague, and some possessed girl.  And the Vatican.  And demons.  And stuff.  It’s all very scary.

[...]

[Turns out SWAT Leader Dude is a PRIEST!]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go to church.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why… wait… that doesn’t even make any sense.

Lovelock: The devil can't possess me if I don’t buy the snake oil.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure that isn’t how it works.

Lovelock: Well, also, I don't like all that Catholic guilt.

[...]

The zombies seem quite a bit more agile in this one than they did in the first one.  I think it would bother Starkwell more if the rest of the film wasn’t so, as Lovelock puts it, “BALLS TO THE WALL CRAZY.”  Some of the crazyballs so far have included, 'dead decomposing priests hiding in the ceiling', 'priest blowing zombie child brains out', and of course, 'first person view of dude going through the air ducts and finding a whole group of demon kids'.  I haven’t seen Lovelock fist pump this often in a while.

[...]

[SWAT Team kills a non zombie dude, sees a group of kids.]

Starkwell: Group of kids?  I hope this movie isn’t going all “Scooby-Doo” on us.

Lovelock: I don’t know, they just killed a human… I kind of hope those meddling kids put an end to the Priest and his wacky SWAT crazies.

Starkwell: Dude, the demons are the bad guys.

Lovelock: If you say so.

[...]

Then we see some of the characters from the first movie, now as zombies, and we get many more fist pumps from Lovelock.  Starkwell hesitated momentarily, but then decided it was safe for him too, to fist pump away.  But then it got REALLY chaotic and creepy, and when it eventually showed one of the dudes staring in a mirror and blowing his brains out, the room got quiet.  No more fist pumps.  They both sat quietly horrified and one hundred percent invested in the movie.

[...]

[The SWAT team camera feed suddenly fades to black and we cut to the Scooby Gang Kids’ camera feed, from earlier.  They are trying to blow up an inflatable sex doll.]

Starkwell: I don’t remember the “Scooby Gang” ever doing that.

Lovelock: Might have helped the old show.  Definitely would have helped those fucking movies they made with Buffy and Dude Shitface.

Starkwell: Who’s "Dude Shitface".

Lovelock: I don’t know… All the fucking dudes in those movies?

[...]

Lovelock: I liked this movie better when it was all SWAT team and action ‘splosions.

Starkwell: Dude, give it a chance.

[I can't believe Starkwell is saying that... Either way, the troop(s) are getting restless.]

[...]

[The kids argue with the Bomb Squad Guy telling them to leave the building.]

Starkwell: The kid finds a random gun on the floor and blood everywhere and he wants to stay?  He’s either brave or a real fucking moron.

[Somewhere in the argument, Angry Fireman Dude slaps The Kid in the face.]

Lovelock: There really aren’t enough smart-ass teenagers being slapped in films these days.

[They actually rewound and watched THE SLAP several times.  Each time the slap connected, Lovelock would say “IN THE FACE”.]

[...]

They got real quiet again when all Hell broke loose again.  This time, crazyballs included 'zombie dying from fireworks in the mouth', 'snipers shooting at the kids' and, of course, the second shot of 'DUDE WITH SANDWCH BAG falling down three flights and exploding with blood'.  SWAT Team meet up with Scooby Gang and take their camera.  It runs out of battery right as they find Angela from the first movie!  I swear I think I saw a single tear of joy streaming down Lovelock’s cheek.

[...]

[Priest talks to Demon, currently possessing Scooby Gang Tito, and he figures out where the Queen Demon is hiding.]

Lovelock: To the penthouse!

Starkwell: Isn’t that where they went at the start of the film?

Lovelock: You know what they say… "it’s always in the first place you look".

Starkwell: Is that really something they say?

Lovelock: Isn’t it?  Maybe it isn’t.

[...]

After some intense and scary NIGHT VISION sequences, they eventually find Queen Demon, and Angela shoots her in the face and blows up her head.

[...]

[TWIST! Angela is actually possessed by the Queen Demon.  She is the new Queen Demon.  And she escapes the building.]

Starkwell: GERrrrbeWAaaahDADOOoooo…. FwengggAH?!?!

[MIND BLOWN.  Then they show a flashback of the Queen Demon transferring itself to Angela.  It’s fucking revolting.]

Starkwell: Seriously… bravo.  Ummm… Lovelock?

[Turns out Lovelock pooped his pants again and had gone to change.]

[...]

Great sequel with an interesting set-up for the next (two) film(s).

[...]

Lovelock: What did I miss?

[REC].

Amidst all of the other documentary / found footage / lo-fi SHIT being made, an occasional gem emerges.  Such is the case, according to most, with the Spanish film “REC”.  There has since been a sequel, as well as an American copy, which, from what I know, is basically the same movie, just made by Americans and about a year later.  Lovelock has already given me a hard time about the fact that there will be subtitles at play here, but I think he’ll get over it once he starts getting the shit scared out of him.

[...]

[Reporter Woman, reporting on the fire department.]

Starkwell: I think I’d watch this show if it actually existed.

Lovelock: I think it would be cool if they had taken an ACTUAL late night program.

Starkwell: It does look like they went into an actual Fire House.

Lovelock: If those lame after hours shows had zombie content, they might be worth checking out.

[...]

Starkwell and Lovelock went quiet for a while.  The authenticity of it all intrigued them, and made them all the more frightened at the prospect that crazy shit was totally about to go down.  They seemed stressed for the Reporter, Angela, and her crew.

[...]

[Firemen are called to a building, where a woman is trapped or something.]

Starkwell: They picked the creepiest building ever.

Lovelock: I’m pretty sure all the buildings in Spain are like that.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure you’re wrong.

[...]

[Old woman bites cop.]

Starkwell: This one hundred percent looks real.

Lovelock: Hold me.

Starkwell: Angry, screaming and scared Spanish people stress me out.  In a good way.

[...]

Then a body dropped in the background, from a much higher floor and exploded on the ground.  Lovelock actually screamed out “I LOVE MOVIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  Once this movie gets going, it never lets up.  A lot of what Starkwell and Lovelock were saying from here on out was stuff like “Yeah” or “Fuck yeah” or “Yes.  Yes a million times yes!”

[...]

Lovelock: It’s hard to take Angela seriously with those two pig tails.

Starkwell: She looks like Pippi Longstocking.

Lovelock: I was thinking “Wendy’s” logo.

[...]

The people in the quarantined building all start turning into zombies and turning on each other.  Camera man Pablo catches the action as the HASMAT team come in and make everyone more scared, Lovelock and Starkwell included.  They explain the virus as the outbreak BLOWS THE FUCK UP.  Starkwell and Lovelock decided they need to learn Spanish, pronto.

[...]

Starkwell: Hey, pigtails are gone!

Lovelock: She must have heard us.

[...]

Starkwell: They caught on pretty quick.  They abandon people within milliseconds of them being bitten.

Lovelock: Survival of the fittest.

[...]

The movie is intense.  The emotions are real.  Starkwell and Lovelock’s reaction?  Well eventually, they were excited and happy, once the FEARFUL SOBBING, CRYING AND SCREAMING from the ending subsided.  They already can’t wait for the sequel(s).  They liked it enough that they want to watch the American one for comparison’s sake.  I have a feeling that the documented conversation might be very similar.  We’ll have to wait and see.