Dawn of the Dead.

I won’t bother telling you what this is.  I can’t imagine anyone would be reading “Zombie Hall” and have never seen this.  Today, Lovelock and Starkwell will be watching the US Theatrical Version.  Or at least, that’s what the Anchor Bay release says it is.

[...]

[Television station, in panic mode.  They are talking of the walking dead.]

Starkwell: I can count on my hands the number of men without a moustache or beard.

Lovelock: I got zero.

[...]

[Guy does ‘bunny ears’ behind doctor guy on TV.]

Starkwell: All Hell is breaking loose and this guy is all “Hee hee, bunny ears!  Now everyone will see him with bunny ears on TV.”

Lovelock: Well, pretty soon he'll be dead.

[...]

[Starkwell and Lovelock have decided to turn a blind eye to the white guy made up to look like…]

Lovelock: Native American?

Starkwell: Filipino?

Lovelock: Cuban?

Starkwell: African American?

Lovelock: Should we be talking about this?

[...]

[Enter the zombies.]

Lovelock:  I can see where Blue Man Group got all of their ideas.  And I don’t mean the ass kicking “Goblin” soundtrack.

[...]

[SWAT team bashes down door, door explodes with zombies.]

Starkwell: That one SWAT guy was clearly laughing.

[The two heroes find a room full of feasting zombies.]

Lovelock: Soooooooo… explain to me again why we would ever need to watch another zombie movie again after 1978?

[...]

[Fly Boy tackles a zombie.]

Lovelock: That is the lamest tackle I have ever seen.

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t he have just used the hammer?

[...]

Romero then introduces the mall, and there’s a little bit of an awkward line, wherein the character literally says “that’s one of those big shopping malls.”  Maybe it was still pretty new back then, and some viewers wouldn’t have known.  

[...]

[There was also a pretty great shout out to SPAM, bragging that you don’t need a can opener, and that it has its own key.]

Starkwell: Could this have been early product placement?

[...]

As the heroes bunkered down and secured the mall, enjoyed a shopping spree or two and offed some more zombies, Lovelock and Starkwell stayed quiet, mesmerized by the Godfather of the modern day zombie film.

[...]

[Hare Krishna zombie comes for Fran.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never give money to those guys.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why… in case they turn into zombies and come after you.

Lovelock: Well also because of those tambourines.

[...]

[Fran lights a flare, waves it in zombie’s face.]

Starkwell: Solid plan, Fran.

[...]

[Fran makes perfectly reasonable demands, Fly Boy flips the fuck out.]

Lovelock: What an asshole.  I hope he dies.

Starkwell: I’d like to see more from Professor Eye Patch on the TV.

[...]

[Roger yeehaws, a little too much.]

Starkwell: And just like that, Roger is broken.

Lovelock: Perfect, baby.  Perfect.

[...]

Starkwell: Two things, one, how the hell did Fran shoot so perfectly from so far away, for her first ever shot?

Lovelock: What’s the second thing?

Starkwell: How did the actor playing that one zombie not laugh?  He stared directly at Roger’s asshole with his mouth wide open.

[...]

Starkwell: They never really explained how and why FLAMES seems to scare them…

Lovelock: Romero invented this shit, he can make it up as he goes along as far as I’m concerned.

[...]

After they locked up the mall, and finished hunting zombies, Lovelock did at least five jump kicks and then rocked the air guitar.  Starkwell, the more pretentious of the two, played air keytar.

[...]

Starkwell: Of course Peter puts a fur coat on.

[...]

Lovelock: Peter referencing voodoo was a nice touch.

[...]

Starkwell: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but can we please hear more from Professor Eye Patch.

[Roger turns, Peter shoots, they bury him in a fake tree display, and then… have date night?]

Lovelock: So what, they’re like, "at last he’s gone”?

[Peter goes back to Roger’s grave and drinks.]

Lovelock: Never mind, that shit’s intense.

Starkwell: One for me, one for my homey.

[Fran turns down Fly Boy’s proposal.]

Lovelock: BURN!

Starkwell: I wouldn't marry him either. He tackles like a pussy.

[...]

Lovelock: She certainly smokes and drinks a lot for a pregnant lady.

Starkwell: Well, it was the seventies.  Oh also, you know, a zombie apocalypse.

Lovelock: Yeah, but that baby is the future of humanity, you want it to be as healthy as possible.

Starkwell: Good luck with that.

[...]

Apparently bored by the life of luxury they’ve created for themselves, they decide to run a flight school which of course draws attention…  The attention of RAIDERS!

[...]

[How could it get any worse?  It gets worse.  Wacky post apocalyptic gang comes for their mall.]

Starkwell: Holy shit!  Tom Savini with a switchblade comb!

[...]

[Peter refers to the zombies as zombies.]

Starkwell: Wait, I thought they never did that?

Lovelock: I don’t believe in nothing no more!

Starkwell: Seriously, my world is kind of falling apart.

[...]

And then in the stupidest moment in the history of asshole characters, Fly Boy starts shooting at the raiders.  Way to go, Ace, now we’ve got a war.  Two against a whole shitload.  I think Lovelock screamed out something like “What the Hell are you doing Fly Boy I hate you!”

[...]

Starkwell: Did Savini just call Peter “Chocolate Man”?

[...]

Lovelock: Here’s an idea, if there are zombies closing in on you in a shopping mall, don’t stop to check your blood pressure.

Starkwell: Yeah, it’s a bit of a stretch just to have a shot of a severed arm in a blood pressure machine.

Lovelock: It's not even a good joke.

[...]

[Zombie Fly Boy hunts down Fran and Peter.]

Starkwell: Hands down, the most convincing zombie in the film.

Lovelock: Yeah, as a human actor, he’s just okay… as a zombie, he’s top notch.

[...]

[Best head shot ever.]

Lovelock: Every movie needs a head shot like that.

Starkwell: This again?  Dude, not every movie can pull that off.

Lovelock: Go ahead, try me.

Starkwell: “The English Patient”.

Lovelock: That’s easy.  Movie opens with a shot of The Count, he gets his head blown off, roll credits.  It would save SO MUCH TIME.

[...]

The movie ends, we’re all fucked.  HOORAY!  Starkwell and Lovelock were seriously holding hands and singing as the heroic music played while Peter ran to the helicopter.  During the credits / zombies in mall montage they were furiously talking with one another about their favourite parts.  So this is why Romero is a legend (well, at least a big part of it).