The Omega Man.

Unless you count the “Iron Chef” detour known as "I Am Omega", which we DON’T, this is the third version of Richard Matheson’s “I Am Legend” that Starkwell and Lovelock are being subjected to.  I can almost guarantee that it will not be their favorite, since they absolutely loved the Vincent Price vehicle "Last Man on Earth".  But, Heston’s hamminess should, at the very least, add a certain je-ne-sais-quoi to Richard Neville and to the whole affair in general.  Also, let’s hope he’s wearing some badass bellbottoms.  Will anything have the power of Vincent Price laugh-crying?  Likely not, but then again, one should never set those kinds of expectations on anything.

[...]

[Neville drives around a deserted city, goes shopping, talks to himself.]

Lovelock: Wait cars only cost two thousand bucks back then?

[Neville goes to the movies, watches “WOODSTOCK” movie.]

Starkwell: Wait, Neville’s a hippy?

[...]

In case it’s not clear yet, this film was made in the early seventies.  Then the phones everywhere start ringing… in Neville’s mind?  I think?  Lovelock and Starkwell started laughing.  Then the infected people started attacking Neville to a funky soundtrack.  Lovelock and Starkwell both got up and started dancing.  The film starts explaining how the infection started because of a war between Russia and China.  Germ warfare?  Or maybe it’s because of technology?  Or maybe it’s because of greed? The group of infected people call themselves ‘The Family’ and seem to abhor the use of guns, cars, or technology of any kind.  They look like and act like a weird cult.  Could this be an anti-hippy film?  Or the other way around?  Anti-science?  Honestly, I don't think the writer really thought much about.  Starkwell has many theories.  Lovelock keeps telling him to “shut up and watch.” 

[...]

[Neville is on helicopter, helicopter explodes, Neville is… injured?]

Starkwell: Biggest explosion ever survived by a human.

Lovelock: It's a madhouse?

Starkwell: No.  Stop.

[...]

[Neville is all dressed up.  He looks like Austin Powers.  He plays chess with a statue.]

Lovelock: I think I’m starting to side with the ‘Family’.  Neville kind of looks like an asshole.  A drunken asshole.  Could just be Heston, though.

[...]

Neville continues to explore the city and act totally fucking nuts.  He’s trying to find where the Family hang out during the day.  A magical place he calls the hive, or the nest.  Instead, he keeps finding a bunch of dead people.

[...]

[Neville tries on different track suits at a department store.]

Lovelock: How great would it be if it cut to a hilarious comedy montage of him trying on dresses?

Starkwell: Would be a little out of place.

Lovelock: Heston trying on dresses would never be out of place.  Ever.

[...]

Then, while ogling the mannequins at a department store, Neville sees an actual HUMAN FEMALE.  He chases her, obviously, with his shirt off.  I think Lovelock said “nice tits” to Heston at one point… Starkwell felt he was being a bit harsh on the ol’ fella.

[...]

[The Family catches Neville.  They seem to want to condemn him for believing in science.  They put a pointy dunce cap on him and carry him to the football stadium, with the intention of setting him on fire.]

Lovelock: You know, for a group that frowns on technology, they seem to have some pretty fancy sunglasses.

Starkwell: …and some pretty glittery robes.

[...]

Then Some Dude rescues Neville and brings him to Human Female from before.  She is a walking cliché of seventies blaxploitation afro cool.  Lovelock and Starkwell welcome her sass with open arms.  She’ll bring some much needed soul to Heston’s robotic Neville.  Afro Girl and her friend Motorcycle Cowboy seem to have a safehouse full of kids.  Lovelock makes up the names.  Anyways, Neville goes back to his house / lab with Afro Girl and her infected brother in an effort to save him.

[...]

[Afro Girl tries to seduce Neville, the Family breaks into his house.]

Lovelock: Sex always complicates things.  Never let your guard down…

[Neville kills the intruder, then they resume the sex immediately.]

Starkwell: Apparently, killing people doesn't ruin the mood.

Lovelock: Neville’s still got it!

Starkwell: At least put your machine gun down, Neville.

Lovelock: From his cold dead hands.  From his cold dead hands.

Starkwell: Okay, that one was pretty good.

[...]

[Afro Girl helps Neville take a pint of his blood.]

Starkwell: Seriously?  Why would she put a lab coat on?  Dumb.

[...]

At one point Neville asks Afro Girl about Harlem… even though she never said she was from there… I guess he just assumed.  Lovelock said, I believe, “well, at least his wiener isn’t racist.”  Well, once Richie is cured, he tells Neville "man, you're a hostile nutjob".  He wants to save the Family, instead of wiping them out like vermin, as Neville wishes too.  Richie takes off to go find the Family.

[...]

Starkwell: Why would she go shopping at night?

[SHE HAS TURNED INTO ONE OF THEM.]

Starkwell: Oh.  So wait, infected people still go shopping?  I thought... I'm confused.

Lovelock: Well, here’s a question.  Why did she have a bunch of shopping bags if she was one of them?

Starkwell: That's what I just asked...

Lovelock: Probably for the same reason that Neville is wearing a Captain’s hat.

Starkwell: Why am I even here?

[...]

Infected Afro leads the Family into Neville’s home and, after a uselessly long scene of them breaking everything in his place, Neville takes a spear to the chest and spills tomato juice everywhere.  Right before he dies he gives the serum to Motorcycle Cowboy.  And they all live happily ever after?

[REC]2.

I need to apologize in advance for the frantic, at times, incoherent nature of the Lovelock / Starkwell conversation documented for "[REC]2"… The movie is just so frantic and insane that I simply couldn’t keep up with everything.  I did my best.  So apparently the action here picks up right where the first film left off.  Starkwell and Lovelock have wanted to watch this one pretty much since ONE SECOND after the first film ended.  Because a fair amount of time has gone by, a good deal of hype has now built up.  This is unfortunate for Balaguero and Plaza, since the expectations are now through the roof.  Let’s see if they can meet this now impossibly high bar that they set.  The film starts with the closing shot from the first film and then immediately switches to the helmet cam view of a SWAT team member heading to investigate the quarantined building.

[...]

[SWAT team arrives in the building.]

Starkwell: Back in the ol’ stomping grounds. 

Lovelock: Remind me not to ever join the SWAT team.  In Spain.

Starkwell: Was that ever an option? 

[...]

It’s nice to see the old building again.  From the first seconds of the film, the atmosphere is tense, and Starkwell and Lovelock are on the edge of their seats. Many nervous farts and weird gasps were heard on several different occasions.  The SWAT team explored the building.  What’s really cool, is since all team members have helmet cams, the director can switch from one person’s view to another as he chooses.

[...]

[Music is coming from an apartment. Martos goes to investigate.]

Starkwell: So Martos is the first to go I guess…

[Zombie pops out bites Martos.  Martos turns immediately.]

Starkwell: I don’t remember them turning that quickly in the first film.

Lovelock: Details schmetails.

[Group Leader guy recites some weird exorcism type shit and Martos stands like a deer in the headlight.]

Starkwell: That’s new too…

Lovelock: AND it’s fucking rad.  And creepy.  I just pooped a little.

[Lovelock goes to change his pants during one of the “dialogue” scenes.]

[...]

Then the Leader Dude explains to them the origin of the plague, and some possessed girl.  And the Vatican.  And demons.  And stuff.  It’s all very scary.

[...]

[Turns out SWAT Leader Dude is a PRIEST!]

Lovelock: That’s why I don’t go to church.

Starkwell: Yeah that’s why… wait… that doesn’t even make any sense.

Lovelock: The devil can't possess me if I don’t buy the snake oil.

Starkwell: I’m pretty sure that isn’t how it works.

Lovelock: Well, also, I don't like all that Catholic guilt.

[...]

The zombies seem quite a bit more agile in this one than they did in the first one.  I think it would bother Starkwell more if the rest of the film wasn’t so, as Lovelock puts it, “BALLS TO THE WALL CRAZY.”  Some of the crazyballs so far have included, 'dead decomposing priests hiding in the ceiling', 'priest blowing zombie child brains out', and of course, 'first person view of dude going through the air ducts and finding a whole group of demon kids'.  I haven’t seen Lovelock fist pump this often in a while.

[...]

[SWAT Team kills a non zombie dude, sees a group of kids.]

Starkwell: Group of kids?  I hope this movie isn’t going all “Scooby-Doo” on us.

Lovelock: I don’t know, they just killed a human… I kind of hope those meddling kids put an end to the Priest and his wacky SWAT crazies.

Starkwell: Dude, the demons are the bad guys.

Lovelock: If you say so.

[...]

Then we see some of the characters from the first movie, now as zombies, and we get many more fist pumps from Lovelock.  Starkwell hesitated momentarily, but then decided it was safe for him too, to fist pump away.  But then it got REALLY chaotic and creepy, and when it eventually showed one of the dudes staring in a mirror and blowing his brains out, the room got quiet.  No more fist pumps.  They both sat quietly horrified and one hundred percent invested in the movie.

[...]

[The SWAT team camera feed suddenly fades to black and we cut to the Scooby Gang Kids’ camera feed, from earlier.  They are trying to blow up an inflatable sex doll.]

Starkwell: I don’t remember the “Scooby Gang” ever doing that.

Lovelock: Might have helped the old show.  Definitely would have helped those fucking movies they made with Buffy and Dude Shitface.

Starkwell: Who’s "Dude Shitface".

Lovelock: I don’t know… All the fucking dudes in those movies?

[...]

Lovelock: I liked this movie better when it was all SWAT team and action ‘splosions.

Starkwell: Dude, give it a chance.

[I can't believe Starkwell is saying that... Either way, the troop(s) are getting restless.]

[...]

[The kids argue with the Bomb Squad Guy telling them to leave the building.]

Starkwell: The kid finds a random gun on the floor and blood everywhere and he wants to stay?  He’s either brave or a real fucking moron.

[Somewhere in the argument, Angry Fireman Dude slaps The Kid in the face.]

Lovelock: There really aren’t enough smart-ass teenagers being slapped in films these days.

[They actually rewound and watched THE SLAP several times.  Each time the slap connected, Lovelock would say “IN THE FACE”.]

[...]

They got real quiet again when all Hell broke loose again.  This time, crazyballs included 'zombie dying from fireworks in the mouth', 'snipers shooting at the kids' and, of course, the second shot of 'DUDE WITH SANDWCH BAG falling down three flights and exploding with blood'.  SWAT Team meet up with Scooby Gang and take their camera.  It runs out of battery right as they find Angela from the first movie!  I swear I think I saw a single tear of joy streaming down Lovelock’s cheek.

[...]

[Priest talks to Demon, currently possessing Scooby Gang Tito, and he figures out where the Queen Demon is hiding.]

Lovelock: To the penthouse!

Starkwell: Isn’t that where they went at the start of the film?

Lovelock: You know what they say… "it’s always in the first place you look".

Starkwell: Is that really something they say?

Lovelock: Isn’t it?  Maybe it isn’t.

[...]

After some intense and scary NIGHT VISION sequences, they eventually find Queen Demon, and Angela shoots her in the face and blows up her head.

[...]

[TWIST! Angela is actually possessed by the Queen Demon.  She is the new Queen Demon.  And she escapes the building.]

Starkwell: GERrrrbeWAaaahDADOOoooo…. FwengggAH?!?!

[MIND BLOWN.  Then they show a flashback of the Queen Demon transferring itself to Angela.  It’s fucking revolting.]

Starkwell: Seriously… bravo.  Ummm… Lovelock?

[Turns out Lovelock pooped his pants again and had gone to change.]

[...]

Great sequel with an interesting set-up for the next (two) film(s).

[...]

Lovelock: What did I miss?

Mulberry Street.

Part of the 2007 “After Dark Horrorfest” releases, “Mulberry Street” is apparently a fresh take on the zombie sub-genre.  According to the box.  From the description, it sounds like "C.H.U.D." meets ZOMBIES meets whatever.  The director, Jim Mickle, later went on to write and direct “Stake Land”, which was generally well liked and well received by critics… so that’s promising.  After about seven million previews, we eventually make it to the DVD menu in one piece and I start this sucker.  The film begins with main character, Clutch, jogging around NYC at dawn.  We get glimpses of billboards for some big, likely evil, corporation called CROME, hear talk about protestors in the city, and get some obvious foreshadowing of what’s to come when they show huge inflatable rats.

[...]

[We are introduced to some people in Clutch’s apartment building, as well as to his soldier daughter who is coming home... from the war?  Wheelchair Guy, who lives in Clutch's building is to be evicted by the owners of the building, the CROME Corporation...]

Lovelock: What… a… DUMP!  I’d be happy to let the CROME Corporation evict me.

[Also, we see a dead girl in a dumpster outside, bitten to death by rats.  Then Dead Dumpster Girl, back from the dead,  kills wheelchair guy… inside the apartment building... I think.]

Starkwell: So… Dead Girl from dumpster kills Wheelchair Guy?

Lovelock: I think…

[...]

The Super of the building picks up a seemingly dead rat.  It bites him.  He throws it to the ground and steps on it.  Lovelock then did a jump kick, overly excited for the promise of rat zombies.  Then the news starts showing reports of rat attacks all across the city which only furthered his desire to perform jump kicks.  Lovelock and Starkwell didn’t have much to say.  They were genuinely interested in the story, the characters, and the direction that the film was heading in.

[...]

[The Super starts growing hair in weird places.]

Lovelock: Isn’t he a little old for puberty… oh wait.

[...]

[The rat attacks happening in the subway systems are on the rise.  The entire subway system is shut down.  The city is in a state of emergency.]

Lovelock: See!?!?  If it can happen with rats, it could TOTALLY happen with birds.  Irrational fear of birds has been validated.

Starkwell: You realize this is a movie, right?

Lovelock: Validated.

[...]

Soldier Girl is just trying to get home to see her dad.  She doesn’t really know what’s going on, but there are some genuinely creepy shots of her walking around a deserted park.  Then she picked up an abandoned bicycle and started biking the city.  Starkwell was impressed, he felt tense.  Lovelock was waiting for all Hell to break loose.

[...]

[Drunk people sexing in a bar bathroom are eaten by a rat zombie… woman?]

Lovelock: And that’s why I never have sex in a bar bathroom.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well, that and herpes.  The ol' herps.

[...]

Then all Hell officially breaks loose.  As the bar owner kills rat zombies with a frying pan, Lovelock played air guitar and made up a song about rat zombies.  I think he rhymed “eating dudes” and “woman foods” at one point, if that makes ANY sense.  STarkwell, always concerned about continuity, was wondering why the bar people turned rat zombie so quickly, whereas the Super at the apartment, as well as Wheelchair Guy, seem to take a while.

[...]

[Soldier Girl, still biking, bikes by people being eaten by rat zombies.]

Lovelock: I fucking hate bikers in the city.

Starkwell: Can’t you make an exception here? … I mean, there are no cars… everyone is being eaten.  Rat zombies patrol the city...

Lovelock: Watch, now I bet she’ll do one of those stupid arm signals.  YEAH WE SEE YOU, get off the road!

[...]

Soldier Girl is still traveling the city, trying to get to her dad.  Now she has a pickup truck.  Meanwhile Clutch goes to rescue his next door neighbor.  Somewhere in the chaos, Clutch put his fist through a rat zombie’s head.  Lovelock let out a very loud "SHABLAMMO", whatever that means.  Then, quite unexpectedly, Clutch and Neighbor Woman run into Soldier Girl and the Neighbor Woman is eaten immediately.  Whatever Lovelock said at that point was incomprehensible.  It was a mixture of shock, happiness, nervousness and a fart.  It was no shablammo.  As the surviving members of the shithole apartment bunker down into two of the apartments, Starkwell and Lovelock looked visibly STRESSED OUT.

[...]

[Basically everyone except Clutch and his daughter are eaten by rat zombies.]

Starkwell: Holy shit dude.

Lovelock: WAAaaaaaaaaaah...

[...]

[Right around dawn, a bunch of dudes in HASMAT suits storm the city, armed with… flashlights ?  Flashlight guns?  Clutch dies.  I think HASMATs kill the daughter.]

Starkwell: Wait… bright flashes of light hurt them?  But then wouldn’t the sun have just taken care of them?  Why bother with that if everyone’s dead anyways?

Lovelock: I’m still trying to figure out if they were implying that Clutch and the other guy were gay…

Starkwell: Wait, so was it the CROME Corporation?

Lovelock: Wait, is Soldier Girl dead... wait why?

[...]

There was definite confusion at the end (and throughout much of the film), but a great flick nonetheless.  Fresh take?  Not so much, though.

The Face of Marble.

Known in the industry as William “One-Shot” Beaudine, Starkwell and Lovelock know him from their encounter with his earlier moving picture “The Living Ghost”.  Since that was hardly a pleasant experience, Starkwell already has said “let’s see if he’s William ‘One-Shit’ Beaudine, or if indeed, he took many shits and called it cinema.  William "One-Shot / Many-Shits" Beaudine.”  Off to a good start.  Lovelock thinks maybe John Carradine can help this one suck less.  This was filmed sometime in the 1940s, likely in a day, after Beaudine had the opportunity to make a movie centered on Bela Lugosi in a gorilla suit, but long before he shot episodes of "Lassie".  Exactly.

[...]

[African American Butler(?) comes to inform Woman of the House, Elaine, of some strange things going down.]

Starkwell: The year was 1946, and racism was alive and well on the big screen.

Lovelock: Did she just say “let the boy speak”?

Starkwell: I feel really uncomfortable.

[...]

The quality of the print was worse than atrocious.  The dialogue was muddled and gross sounding and, for some reason, the image on the screen was shaking continuously.  It would be interesting to imagine that this was done on purpose back in the 40s, but clearly it’s just a shitty copy of a film that likely barely exists anymore.

[...]

[Woman interrupts the Men Doctors doing science.]

Starkwell: Clearly, science is a man’s world!

Lovelock: Did he just tell her to “leave us, like a 'good girl'”?

Starkwell: I feel really uncomfortable.

[...]

Turns out the two Doctors stole a dead body off the beach from a shipwreck.  They’re seemingly only SLIGHTLY worried whether or not the authorities will be upset that they STOLE A DEAD MAN.  But then they revive said dead guy momentarily, and claim that he has a “face of marble”.  Then he re-dies, and the doctor says “he’s dead, QUITE dead.”  Lovelock and Starkwell laughed hysterically.

[...]

[Scientists talk about ‘Maria the Help’ and her “crazy jungle mumbo jumbo”.]

Starkwell: I repeat. I feel really uncomfortable.

[...]

It’s clear that Woman actually is in love with Young Doctor David, instead of her husband, Older Doctor Charles.  Maria the Help has been putting Voodoo Dolls under David’s pillow, trying to curse him into loving Elaine… I think.

[...]

[David drops Voodoo Doll into acid, Maria the Help faints and falls down the stairs.]

Lovelock: BEST. STUNT. EVER.

Starkwell: I wonder how much they paid that old woman for that…

Lovelock: Not enough.

Starkwell: Thankfully he’s William “One-Shot” Beaudine, otherwise Maria the Actress would be dead.

[...]

[Dr. Charles killed the dog Brutus, in order to try to revive him.]

Starkwell: WHY in the FUCK would he KILL THE DOG?!?!?!

Lovelock: “Now now, I could try a mouse, or a rat, or, Hell, even a raccoon from the yard, but no, doggone it, let’s try with my wife’s beloved dog.  It worked so well on that sailor yesterday… oh… wait… oops.”

[It doesn’t work… or does it?  They suddenly hear Brutus barking.]

Lovelock: Might be the earliest incarnation of the zombie dog.

Starkwell: He seems mean as Hell.

[Dr. Charles shoots the zombie dog, but he doesn’t die!  Then he JUMPS THROUGH THE WINDOW WITHOUT BREAKING IT, like a ghost.]

Starkwell: A couple of things… why would he have a gun?  Also... walking through walls?

Lovelock: So… super powered zombie dog?  He isn’t harmed by bullets and can traverse through walls.  Eat that, “Resident Evil” dogs.  Also, eat that, “Kitty Pride”.

[...]

[Elaine gives Dr. David a huge wet kiss for his birthday, but then his fiancée shows up, and then Elaine gets all sour and bitchy.]

Starkwell: Awkward.

Lovelock: So, Elaine is a bit of a whore… Am I right, guys?

[...]

The cop informs us that it turns out the zombie dog has been killing farm animals by biting their throats and draining their blood.  I believe Lovelock’s reaction was “fucking amazing. Walks through walls, can’t die, bloodsucker.  Best dog of all time.  Scooby-Doo?  You know what, fuck Scooby-Doo.”

[...]

[Maria the Help tries to kill Fiancée, but ends up killing Elaine instead.]

Starkwell: I love how they aren’t even curious about who killed her.

Lovelock: Hey, all that matters is that now they have a new dog and/or woman to try their SCIENCE on.

Starkwell: Seriously.  Why aren’t they like “HEY WHO KILLED ELAINE”?

Lovelock: When life hands these guys lemons, they make zombie dogs.

[...]

Eventually they revive Elaine, and, obviously, she has THE FACE OF MARBLE just like the dead sailor.  "Whatever that means", says Lovelock.  What makes no sense to Starkwell or Lovelock is why they thought it would work at all.  They haven’t changed anything about their formula.  Two days ago they failed to revive a sailor, then they turned a dog into a zombie bloodsucker, now they think WITHOUT CHANGING THEIR FORMULA, that the results will change.

[...]

Starkwell: They are the worst scientists ever.

Lovelock: Says you… ZOMBIE DOG for the win.

Starkwell: I don’t feel like I’ve won.

[...]

[Zombie Elaine and Zombie Brutus, apparently now under Maria the Help’s control kill Dr. Charles… by stabbing him in the back.]

Lovelock: Ummm… I was lead to believe that there would be throat tearing and blood sucking…

Starkwell: Wait… so was it the experiment that revived her or voodoo?  What about Brutus?  This is all a real mess…

Lovelock: I feel cheated.  I want my Zombie Dog action.  Fuck you, Beaudine.

[...]

What pisses Starkwell off even more is that Elaine wakes up and seems perfectly normal the next day.  So the experiment doesn’t work, then it does on a dog, but turns him into a killer, but then it works on Elaine when combined with Voodoo, but she's being controlled by Maria, but then all of a sudden, so is the dog?  Garbage.  After a HILARIOUS scene where David punches a cop, eventually the Starkwell/Lovelock laughter died down, only for them to realize that the movie had ended.  Apparently Maria killed herself and Zombie Elaine and Zombie Brutus walked into the ocean.  Yes, for real.  Considering that "Face of Marble" was just something that Dr. David said a couple of times, but had absolutely nothing to do with anything, it seems like an odd choice for the film title.  But then again, Ol' Billy "One-Shot" likely wasn't known for making good choices.  Or ones that made any sense.

Demoniacs.

There’s not a whole lot I can do for Starkwell and Lovelock to help them prepare for a Jean Rollin film.  They already know to expect a slow pace, a heavy dose of weirdness, and, obviously, many tits.  Will this one exceed their expectations?  Meet expectations?  Only deliver the aforementioned tits?  Who knows?  Well, they will soon.  As is the case with all releases from “REDEMPTION”, before the film even starts, we are presented with an opening of a naked gigantic fake boobied woman, covered in blood and being bitten by what we can only assume is a vampire lesbian of some kind.  It always succeeds in setting the bar so high.

[...]

[We are introduced to some pirates...  We get a headshot of all of them, one at a time.]

Lovelock: It’s like the Brady Bunch!

Starkwell: Except that they, you know, rape and kill people.

Lovelock: A minor difference.

[...]

[The pirates look around the dark beach with lanterns, for several minutes.]

Starkwell: Sooo… I guess we’re trying to establish that it’s dark… and they need lanterns.

Lovelock: Hey, Rollin… we get it.

[...]

Then they found a treasure chest, slowly examined a necklace, which the captain gave to his wench, the female pirate.  Then he felt her breasts for a while.

[...]

[Two of the pirates find two confused women walking the beach in night gowns.]

Starkwell: What’s a Rollin film without a long, drawn out, awkward, uncomfortable rape sequence?

Lovelock: Is the answer “a better movie”?

Starkwell: Obviously while the two pirates rape and kill the Night Gown Girls, the Captain’s Wench dances naked on a rock.

[Then the Captain gets naked and they bone on that very rock.]

Starkwell: Good luck with this one.

[Starkwell leaves.]

[...]

Seriously, it takes like TEN MINUTES before the pirates finally just finish killing the Night Gown Girls.  In that time, we got to see naked Captain ass, and a bunch of simulated sex and/or rape.

[...]

Lovelock: Jesus Christ, I hope it was simulated.

[...]

It immediately cuts to a bar, the Captain is hungover, and a bunch of pirates are hanging out doing what pirates do, you know, licking exposed female nipples and dancing to lame accordion music.  Starkwell came back, because he wanted to know what Lovelock was laughing so hard about.  He decided to stay.

[...]

[The Captain sees apparitions of the Night Gown Girls as they apparently haunt him in the bar.]

Lovelock: That’s why I never drink.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why.

Lovelock: Well, that and the calories.

[...]

[Blood drips from above onto the Captain’s hands.]

Lovelock: Why would the Night Gown Girls pour tomato juice onto the… oh wait… I see what that was supposed to look like.

Starkwell: Sharp.

[...]

The woman who runs the brothel seems to know about all sots of crazy mythology about the surrounding islands… also, for some reason, seems to have authority over the Captain.  Then the Captain FLIPS OUT and gets in a knife fight with another pirate… Starkwell and Lovelock laughed so hard that they actually started having trouble breathing.

[...]

Lovelock: Is that a sculpture of a naked woman with her legs spread hanging on the wall?  The boobs are all crooked and the artist made the vagina HUGE.  It's absolutely frightening.

Starkwell: Obviously, the bar fight was broken up by the Queen of the Brothel playing piano and singing nautical songs.

Lovelock: What year is this supposed to be, because that dude’s bell bottoms are out of this world, and seemingly quite advanced for this era of pirates?

[...]

As is the norm with much of what they have seen of Rollin's films, Starkwell had to at least commend him on the locations he used.  “The shipyard is magnificent”, says Starkwell.  But then, without skipping a beat adding in a “too bad it doesn’t help speed this shit up to at least a 'molasses' pace.”

[...]

[The pirates go back to finish off the Night Gown Girls.]

Starkwell: Wait, they aren’t dead?

Lovelock: Considering all that they’ve been through, their white gowns are surprisingly clean.

Starkwell: They just don’t make night gowns like they used to.

[Captain’s Wench fights the Night Gown Girls.  Loses.]

Starkwell: Obviously her boobs come out of her shirt.

[...]

Shit stops making sense around this point.  Wench is hurt, and then she isn’t.  She’s yelling, but then she’s passed out.  Captain is carrying her at night, and then suddenly she is chasing the Night Gown Girls in daylight.  It is a hot mess.

[...]

Starkwell: Obviously she is in the water, and her boobs are out of her shirt.

Lovelock: Look at those things… could you keep them in a shirt?

[...]

The Night Gown Girls are suddenly in a courtyard and there is a woman in clown makeup with a red afro prancing around.  She leads them somewhere.  It takes a good few minutes to get there.  We get to see all of these 'few minutes'.  It’s around this point that none of us understood what the hell was going on anymore.  I’d say something is being lost in translation, but we all speak French.  I guess we don’t speak Rollin.

[...]

[Night Gown Girls get a change of clothes.  Shorter Night Gowns.]

Starkwell: Were they not offered pants?

Lovelock: The actresses?  By Rollin? Probably not.

Starkwell: Well, I meant the characters, but, yeah… good point.

[...]

Then there was a scene where the Wench played with her breasts while the Captain cuddled and kissed a stuffed and mounted seagull sitting next to him on the desk.  He ripped the head off of the seagull, wrestled the now completely naked and screaming Wench, and then, they had sex.  Starkwell just left again.  It has been one hour and nothing has happened.  Unless, of course, you count Starkwell leaving the room twice.  Also, many sexy stuffs which, unfortunately, has not been sexy.

[...]

[Night Gown Girls get naked and walk towards the cell holding some dude.  Is it Satan?  Let's call him Mystery Man.  They are apparently going to trade their souls for super powers... I think...]

Lovelock: You would think it would be difficult to make naked women THIS boring.  But, alas, here we are.

[...]

Lovelock: In an ideal world, Paul Naschy would play half of the characters in this movie.  Also, the movie would only be twenty minutes long.

[...]

Lovelock: I wonder if in the script, it says stuff like “Character walks three feet, this should take roughly seventeen minutes.”

Starkwell: “Mystery Man has sex with each Night Gown Girl.  Show small amounts of Mystery Man’s limp side peen.”

Lovelock: You’re back?

Starkwell: A thousand times no.  But, I forgot my phone.  Later.

[...]

So, yeah, after the girls have the orgasm they are now SUPER POWERED WITH DEVIL JUICE and out for revenge.  Maybe now something will happen.  Good thing there is only twenty minutes left and it took seventy minutes to get here.

[...]

[Night Gown Girls show up in the bar and have a staring contest with the pirates.]

Lovelock: Oh for the love of shitballs, can something please just fucking happen?!??!?! Make Bosco’s head explode! Hammer someone’s face! Make the Captain melt!  SOMETHING!

[...]

[The Night Gown Girls make statues fall towards Wench in the courtyard.]

Lovelock: Totally where Lucas got the idea for the force.

[Starkwell wasn’t around to call him an idiot.]

[...]

Then the Wench was sort of crushed by a Jesus statue, but then like, was breathing heavily, then the clown was back and she was dying for some reason, and the Gown Girls started washing her makeup off, and then like random Priest dude is dead and Mystery Man is there and lost his power? Wench is alive?  I think… Fuck… I give up.

[...]

Lovelock: You wouldn’t think someone could confuse an audience so much by having so little happen.  But, alas, here we are.

[...]

Lovelock’s favorite part came near the end, when a drunken pirate tripped on the beach, landed head first into a gigantic empty bottle of alcohol he was carrying, and immediately died.  I think it was just refreshing to see something happen fast, instead of, as Lovelock put it, “PAINFULLY FOREVER SLOW”, which perfectly describes the entire movie.  Anyways, in the end, the Night Gown Girls still end up dying.  But not before Rollin shows the pirates raping them one last time.  And then Captain is possessed and kills everyone?  I think.

[...]

Lovelock: So essentially, the super powers that Mystery Man gave them, was ability to move a few statues, kind of survive ONE stabbing, and then, basically die.

Starkwell: You forgot BORING THE AUDIENCE.

Lovelock: Oh also... SUCKING!

Starkwell: Double Entendre for the win.

[Now they both left.]

[...]

I mean, what good movie DOESN’T END with a parade of random monks whom we have never seen before, followed by five whole minutes of the tide rising over a naked dead woman?  All of them you say?  You’d be right.  In conclusion, Rollin probably really drown that woman.

Resident Evil: Afterlife.

The fourth instalment of the series finds Paul Anderson taking the helm once again as director.  Considering the first film was the only other film that he directed, and it was Starkwell and Lovelock’s LEAST favorite, he certainly has his work cut out for him to get them back on team Anderson.  Granted, even if the story and character development suffer, he can always just launch loads of confused and naked Milla scenes at the audience in a desperate attempt to win them over.  Usually successfully.  I’ve made a point to tell Starkwell and Lovelock that I had them watch all of the “Resident Evil” movies in one week because, in fact, this is not the last film in the series and that the new one JUST CAME OUT IN THEATRES, IN 3D!!!  But then I immediately pulled the rug out from under them and told them that I had no intention to treat them to a night at the theater, so they’d have to wait for a DVD release.  I think I referred to them as “bitches” at one point.  Like “you bitches are gonna have to wait for the DVD, and that shit won’t be in 3D, and you won’t get no damn cool glasses”.  I like keeping their spirits down.  Usually I do that by showing them horrible movies.  This was just more fun.  Ok, let’s get all ‘Afterlifey’ in this mofo.

[...]

[Intro is slow motion Japanese people walking with umbrellas in the rain.  One girl has no umbrella.]

Starkwell: In a land of Umbrellas, one girl stands alone.

[Umbrella-less girl goes zombie and eats a guy.]

Lovelock: You were giving Anderson way too much poetic credit there.

[...]

After a very brief recap, the secret Tokyo Umbrella lab is invaded by a super powered ninja Alice.  Who then gets shot and killed… but then…

[...]

[There are a whole shitload of Super Powered Ninja Alices storming the place.]

Starkwell: I don’t know if it’s specifically because of Captain Sunglasses, or just the way that this is all going down, with all of the slo-mo and martial arty action, but I can’t help but feel like I’m watching a remake of “The Matrix” starring Milla Jovovich.

Lovelock: I think that’s not even the same actor playing Captain Sunglasses… or at least he sounds different.  I can’t quite put my finger on it…

Starkwell: Agent Smith, he's trying to sound like Agent Smith.

Lovelock: At least Anderson knows his audience... I guess...

[...]

Then Alice is made human again… and yet SOMEHOW she immediately survives a plane crash that exploded like the Deth Starr.  Lovelock started laughing, but Starkwell was being a real sourpuss.  I guess he really prefers films without GINORMOUS plot holes.

[...]

[Alice lands in Alaska, flying some kind of old World War II plane.]

Starkwell: Alice is… THE RED BARON.

[...]

Alice finds Claire, but she was being controlled by some kind of Umbrella Remote Control thing.  Once the thing is destroyed, she doesn’t remember Alice.  Eventually Claire remembers everything.  Seriously, having her memory be temporarily lost served no purpose.  So they go looking for the rest of their crew, trying to piece together what happened in Alaska.  Then they land on a building in Los Angeles, right as they run out of gas.

[...]

[Umbrella can hear everything that Alice says.]

Starkwell: How can Alice be that dumb?  She knows they are monitoring her every move...

Lovelock: Well, someone who wakes up naked and confused as often as she does can’t possibly be the sharpest tool in the shed.

Starkwell: Hey… good point, no Nude Milla yet.

Lovelock: Well, this was the first of the series made AFTER they got married… maybe Anderson suddenly didn’t like EVERYONE seeing his wife naked, wet and confused.

[...]

[Chris, played by Wentworth Miller, is locked in the Building Gang’s holding cell.]

Lovelock: Pffff… like that little cage can hold Michael Scofield.

[...]

[Alice shows off her knives and guns and coin collection.]

Starkwell: Of course she collects coins.

[...]

[The Building Gang still has running water, Alice is about to strip and take a shower, but is interrupted by mutant zombies.]

Lovelock: Oh COME ON!!!  Now he’s just teasing us!  It’s like he’s TRYING to remind us that there is no naked, wet and confused Milla in this one.

[...]

Anyways, the action pressed on, as the Building Gang tried to find a way out of there.  As usual, Anderson has no trouble killing people off as quickly as he introduces them.  The action scenes are pretty over the top and cheesy, but what else could you expect?

[...]

[Alice flies off the roof, swinging on a cable and mows down zombies in mid-air, to a techno soundtrack.]

Lovelock: BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!

[...]

[Super zombie fights Alice and Claire with some sort of super hammer.]

Starkwell: Where does a zombie get a hammer like that?

Lovelock: I assume the same place Alice got her ‘Red Baron’ plane.

Starkwell: And how would he learn to use it?

Lovelock: Probably at the same school that taught Alice how to jump kick dogs.

[...]

Alice, Chris and Claire are the only ones to survive and they eventually make it to the Arcadia, a ship sitting just off the coast of L.A.

[...]

[The Arcadia is some sort of SECRET UMBRELLA LAB.]

Starkwell: How many secret labs can one company possibly have?  Every time Alice destroys one and is all “that’s the last of them” it’s all “aw hell no it ain’t”… getting A LITTLE OLD.

Lovelock: You’re getting a little old.

[...]

Captain Sunglasses is still alive, and acting all Agent Smithy.  He has zombie dogs that look like they’re from “The Thing”.  Anyways, they fight and eventually it’s the end and it’s happy, OR IS IT!?!?! OBVIOUSLY NOT and so everything is set up for another film.  And there are twists!!  It’s clear that the next film will start with INSTANT EXPLOSIONS OF ACTION.  Starkwell and Lovelock did enjoy this one, but are now even more disappointed about the fact that they can’t see what happens next.  That mixed with Lovelock’s disappointment that we were not treated with a naked and confused Milla has created a grim atmosphere here in the TV room.  Spirits are low.  Good.  They were getting a little too comfortable.