Wild Zero.

Guitar Wolf’s album “Jet Generation” might have, at the time, been the loudest record ever.  Not necessarily the HEAVIEST, that’s not what I mean.  I mean LOUDEST.  If Spinal Tap put their amps to eleven, I’d say Guitar Wolf plays at twenty-seven.  Thousand.  So it is fitting that this movie is as amped up as it is.  It’s a relatively non-stop rock’n’roll thrill ride, full of laughs, gore and, of course, WEIRD JAPANESE DUDES.  Also rock.  You’re welcome, Lovelock and Starkwell.  After a shot of really bad looking UFOs are seen swarming the Earth, a radio DJ warns people not to touch any meteorites that fall to the Earth, then we see main character ACE.

[...]

[Ace greases his hair, puts on his leather coat and heads out to a rock show.  The rock show.  GUITAR FUCKING WOLF.]

Starkwell: Wait, is he shooting electricity from his guitar?

Lovelock: I don’t know, but he definitely just said “lock and loll”.

Starkwell: That's probably racist.

Lovelock: I don't know about that, but I will say that these dudes lock hard.

[...]

Then we are introduced to the evil sleazy club owner, who, for whatever reason, dresses in hot pants.  All the time.  Ace walks into the middle of an argument Guitar Wolf is having with the club owner, at which point Ace witnesses Guitar Wolf explode a guy’s head with his magnum.

[...]

[Guitar Wolf gives Ace a whistle (a wolf call) to use if ever he needs help.  Oh also, they are now ROCK AND ROLL BLOOD BROTHERS.]

Lovelock: I would give my left nut for that whistle.

Starkwell: Well that’s a strange thing to say.

[...]

At this point, at a gas station, we are introduced to the androgynous Tobio, as well as a trio of weary travelers who are clearly going to be the comic relief of this whole thing.  Then we meet a group of evil yakuza looking to do an arms deal… it is a lot of characters to expect Lovelock to keep up with.  Ace, at this point meets Tobio and it is love at first sight.  Unfortunately for them, this is also where they first meet zombies.

[...]

Lovelock: Ace is number one man.

Starkwell: Why do all of the turn of the century Japanese zombie movies have blue zombies?

[...]

[Ace decides to go back to the gas station and save Tobio from zombies, after he has a vision of Guitar Wolf riding on a motorcycle screaming “ROCK AND ROLL”.]

Lovelock: I think if I had that vision, I’d be able to conquer the world.

Starkwell: Really?

Lovelock: Well, I could, at the very least conquer this bout of constipation I’ve been dealing with.

Starkwell: That's a very different brand of "rock 'n roll".

Lovelock: More like "rock in BOWL".  Get it?

Starkwell: No. Stop. Forever.

[...]

On the plus side, at least half of the characters that we were introduced to are already dead.  Comic relief trio is down to a duo.  There are only two yakuza people left, and I think they work for the club owner, but I'm not sure… also on the plus side, Tobio and Ace are safe.  So there is this one random mercenary type woman still running around... really, who cares?   Because Guitar Wolf is LIGHTING up the fucking stage as we speak.

[...]

Lovelock: I need to get me one of those flaming microphones.

[...]

Tobio and Ace are bunkered down somewhere and they share a moment.  So Tobio strips and reveals that she’s a dude.  Ace freaks out and runs away.  But then he has a Guitar Wolf vision.

[...]

[Guitar Wolf tells him to "DO IT".]

Lovelock: Way to go Guitar Wolf.  Love should have no boundaries.

[Ace loses track of Tobio and blows his Guitar Wolf whistle in a moment of despair.]

Lovelock: My left nut.

[On their way to find Ace, Guitar Wolf pick up the comic relief couple.]

Starkwell: Wait, so they were able to hear the whistle but can’t figure out where he is?  You might want a left nut refund.

[...]

Anyways, then they meet up with mercenary girl and fight zombies with magic electricity guitar picks and Lovelock does a back flip, a jump kick, and then high fives himself.  There’s a scene where Guitar Wolf has a huge fucking gun in his hand, guitar slung over his back, and samurai sword in his remaining hand.  Then he blows a zombie’s head off while Bass Wolf and Drum Wolf chill out behind him combing their hair.  I thought Lovelock was going to die of happiness.

[...]

[Guitar Wolf finds Ace, and tells him he no longer needs the whistle.]

Lovelock: Shit, can I have it then?

[...]

[Guitar Wolf jumps out of an exploding building screaming “rock and roll” and strumming his guitar ALL AT THE SAME TIME IN MID AIR.]

Lovelock: That just happened.  That just FUCKING HAPPENED.

[After landing, he tunes his low E.]

Starkwell: Solid joke, actually.

[...]

[Evil Club Owner shoots  laser beams out of his eyes, and then is blown up with a rocket launcher.  There was some hair greasing/combing mixed in.]

Lovelock: When did Drum Wolf and Bass Wolf have time to put Christmas lights on the hood of their car?

Starkwell: I’m trying to figure out how Guitar Wolf got up to the roof so quickly.

Lovelock: Also... lightning eyes?

[Guitar Wolf pulls a sword OUT OF HIS GUITAR and cuts the Mother Ship UFO in half and essentially saves Japan, and maybe even the world.]

Lovelock:  Man, now I can’t decide if I’d rather have the wolf pack whistle or the guitar sword.

Starkwell: Why did he need the samurai sword earlier if his guitar WAS a sword?  Also wouldn't he have to detach the strings to pull the neck off like that?

Lovelock: Asking questions like that is like asking why pepperoni sticks are delicious.

Starkwell: It most certainly is not like that.

[...]

The effects are pretty bad.  The story is schizophrenic and choppy.  There are plenty of useless scenes and useless characters.  Hell, there are even shots that are clearly just put in because Guitar Wolf looks cool.  The music, other than Guitar Wolf’s songs, isn’t particularly very good either.  But none of that really matters, since somehow, the whole thing kind of works anyways and is as fun as Hell.  There are no boundaries in Rock and Roll.

Night of the Creeps.

Considering Fred Dekker wrote “House” and “Night of the Creeps” in the same year, and later went on to pen “The Monster Squad” the next year, it’s pretty strange and kind of heartbreaking that after such a strong start, he’s only been involved with a handful of other projects, one of which was the third “Robocop”.  Also “Ricochet” with Denzel Washington?  Bizarre.  Let’s let Lovelock and Starkwell enjoy his best known work.

[...]

[Chase scene involving naked alien midgets.]

Starkwell: For such an advanced species, with all the space travel and whatnot, you’d think they’d have pants.

Lovelock: I’m thinking nudity is the next evolutionary step.

Starkwell: No.  Wrong.  Please pt your pants back on.

[...]

The movie gets going pretty quickly, in black and white, in the fifties.  There is a story circulating about a psycho killer on the loose.  Two teens go to investigate something that flew down from the sky.  Something happens to Johnny when he finds the thing from the sky, and the psycho killer kills the girl.  Then we flash forward to the present day (a.k.a. 1986)… and let me tell you, the eighties are in full swing.  We are introduced to our team of nerds (the good guys) named J.C. and Chris.  Chris is “in love” with the girl, Cynthia, that he just saw for the first time ever.

[...]

[Chris decides that if they join a fraternity, he might have a chance with her.]

Starkwell: For nerds, they’re not very smart.

Lovelock: Good at math, dumb at girls.

[...]

The frat brothers ask them to steal a corpse.  They manage to get into a super secret lab where they have Johnny’s corpse cryogenically frozen.

[...]

[They thaw out dead Johnny.]

Lovelock: So, they’re not only able to get into a super secret lab, but they figure out how to thaw out the science experiment.

[...]

They discussed how dumb this was, for a while, but then we are introduced to Tom Atkins’ character and his “THRILL ME” tagline.  Lovelock stood up and said THRILL ME and did a roundhouse kick with a huge smile on his face. Zombie Johnny stumbles upon Cynthia’s sorority house and then his face splits open and a bunch of slugs shoot out of his body and slither away.

[...]

[All in the span of five seconds we get everyone’s last names… Cynthia Cronenberg, Chris Romero, James Carpenter Hooper, and Detective Landis…]

Starkwell: Five references just like that?

Lovelock: Makes me want to start over and see if we missed any.

[The janitor is named Miner, as in Steve Miner, as in the guy who directed “House” that Dekker wrote.]

[...]

Cynthia goes to find Chris and J.C. and tell them that she saw the dead body up and walking.  Meanwhile, the outbreak is in pretty full swing, and more dead bodies with exploded heads and slugs start cropping up.  Then J.C. gets SLUG POSSESSED.  Also, apparently Tom Atkins killed the psycho killer back in the fifties and buried him.

[...]

[Psycho Killer erupts from his burial through and old woman’s floor, still wielding his axe, and kills the old woman.]

Lovelock: That.  Was.  Awesome.

Starkwell: Admittedly, that is one of the strongest rise from the grave scenes I’ve seen in some time.

[Atkins goes to the old house, shoots the Zombie Psycho Axe killer in the head with a shotgun and his head explodes into slugs.]

Lovelock: I can’t help but wish for longer zombie content.

[They then show sorority girls showering and washing their boobs, getting ready for the formal.]

Starkwell: More boobs than zombies?  Pretty weak, if you ask me.

Lovelock: I wasn’t asking you.  Still, while I appreciate dem boobs… yeah, I wish the Axe Zombie had a longer run.

[...]

J.C. left Chris a message, detailing that he was possessed, that heat or fire seems to kill the slugs, and that he was heading to the furnace to incinerate himself.

[...]

[Chris finds dead J.C. with a bunch of charred slugs.]

Lovelock: Wait… he’s fucking dead?

[Lovelock cries.]

Starkwell: This movie just got real adult real fast.

Lovelock: I’d like it go back to juvenile, with zombies and boobies… I don’t want J.C. to be dead.

[...]

[Tom Atkins goes to get a flame thrower from the department.]

Starkwell: The cops have flame throwers?

Lovelock: There’s a dead dog walking around shooting slugs into peoples’ mouths.  I think we can buy a little policeman flame thrower.

[...]

Then Chris teams up with Atkins.  They find zombie Brad, shoot his head and flame throw the slugs as they explode out of his head.  It’s fucking amazing.  The sorority house is surrounded by zombies, and Chris, Cynthia and Atkins fight them off.  Atkins spouts out some SERIOUS one liners and Starkwell and Lovelock high five and then Lovelock does a spin dance move and then the splits.

[...]

[Chris kills a zombie with a lawnmower.]

Starkwell: And here I thought that “Dead Alive” did that first.

Lovelock: You learn something new every day.

[...]

Atkins finds the slug hive and blows the whole fucking place up, and sacrifices himself.  Following this, Lovelock let out a somber “thrill me” while bowing his head.  The movie ends with a burnt zombie falling over next to a cemetery exploding slugs towards the graves… and a huge spaceship surveying the are.

[...]

Lovelock: So… to be continued?

Starkwell: No one noticed that enormous spaceship?

Lovelock: The aliens were like, midgets… maybe the spaceship is really small.

Starkwell: You’re offensive.

[...]

Great movie.  Consider us all thrilled.

Zombie Ass: The Toilet of the Dead.

From the land of films like “Girls Swim Team vs. the Undead” and “Big Tits Zombie” comes a film with, arguably, the dumbest title to appear on Zombie Hall thus far (although “Retardead” might forever be the official selection for worst title)… “Zombie Ass” alone wasn’t enough.  They had to throw in “Toilet of the Dead”.  I feel like the film makers are already telling us a lot about the movie and where it belongs with a title like that.  But we’ll see, I supposed.   The film opens with a scientist making a zombie vomit shit into the mouth of his daughter.

[...]

[Opening credits feature dancing girls in hot pants and close-ups of ass.]

Starkwell: Wait, why is he making her eat shit?

[Flashback to earlier in her life, where main character Megumi watches a bunch of mean girls bully her sister, and ask her to eat shit.]

Lovelock: So this is the worst thing ever?

[...]

The next scene featured a guy taking medicine and projectile vomiting everywhere on the side of the road.  It looks like Starkwell is already quite close to leaving.  I’ll be honest, the production value is way above what I think we were all expecting.

[...]

[A model with huge boobs is trying to find parasites in a river, to eat them, to stay thin.]

Starkwell: Wait, why is Megumi with these people?

Lovelock: Why on Earth would she be wearing her schoolgirl outfit when she isn’t at school?

Starkwell: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

[Then they are camping and Booby Girl makes out with the group’s leader.  Megumi hangs out by the river practicing slow Karate.]

Lovelock: Of course.

[Boobly Girl eats a worm that they pull out of a fish from the river.]

Starkwell: Why on Earth would anyone think that would work?

Lovelock: This ain’t Earth.  It’s Japan.

[...]

Then a zombie runs into them and bites off Leader Guy finger and then somehow their van is stolen, so they’re stuck in the woods.  They are all freaking out, except Megumi.  She steps up and is all KARATE TOUGH.  Then Booby Girl starts feeling sick and she walks away slowly towards the outhouse, farting many many times.  Starkwell leaves right around the time she takes her pants off and squats in front of the camera, farting and talking about how she is about to have the worst runs in her life.  Seriously, they focus on her squatting ass farting for like a minute or two.  When she isn’t farting, she’s moaning.  When they aren’t showing her ass, it’s a close-up on her boobs.

[...]

[A zombie hand emerges from the outhouse shit hole, and grabs her ass.]

Lovelock: Wha…

[She farts yellow smoke on the zombie, then he comes out of the shithole and starts ripping her dress off…]

Lovelock: …

[A bunch of shit covered zombies emerge from the nearby woods/house and chase them.]

Lovelock: Okayyyy…

[Booby Girl is unable to run with them, instead she falls down on all fours, with her bare ass still hanging out, and farts a HUGE cloud of yellow smoke that turns into a demon face momentarily.]

Lovelock: DA FUCK.

[One zombie starts shitting from his mouth, then a creature comes out of Booby Girl’s ass. Oh yeah, Booby Girl is dead.]

Lovelock: Oatmeal was a bad choice for a snack while watching this movie.

[Oatmeal is probably a bad choice for any zombie movie, really.  Why on Earth would you eat oatmeal while watching a zombie movie?]

Lovelock: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

[...]

They end up in a cabin with a crazy old man with a shotgun, who immediately blows his own head off.  The zombies seem to ooze shit.  It’s gross.  But the soundtrack is actually really cool.  They start fighting the zombie horde, and the effects are TERRIBLE.  Anyways, it seems like the zombies all have those weird wormy demon things living inside of them, so clearly the worms from the river are causing the outbreak.  Then they are saved by the doctor from the opening scene.

[...]

Lovelock: Again, why on Earth would that other girl also be dressed in her schoolgirl outfit when NOT in school?

[Answer: Because, Japan.]

Starkwell: This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

Lovelock: You're back!

Starkwell: Nope.  I left my book in here.  Looks like it got even worse since I left.  See ya.

[...]

Then Leader Guy’s bitten finger catches up with him and his head blows up.  Gore and effect wise, it’s the highlight so far.  Then, obviously, the girl who is showering to wash the blood off asks Megumi to join her in the shower.  And Obviously, Megumi does join her.  But not before they show her stripping for like an hour.

[...]

[Cut back to the earlier flashback, which ended with Megumi’s sister running and jumping off the roof.]

Lovelock: So wait, she’s thinking about that while the other girl is grabbing her ass?

[...]

[Then scientist guy gives his daughter a boiling hot enema and she poops out a four foot long worm, that he collects in a bedpan.]

Lovelock: At least put some fucking gloves on, shit dude.

[...]

So it turns out the scientist is behind the whole thing, he is helping the parasites take over the village people.  Not "The Village People", but the people of the village nearby.  They knock him out and try to escape, but they are clearly all infected.  Megumi is going after the medicine while the two remaining survivors of the gang fight zombies, who now walk around bent over, ass forward with a wormhead coming out of their asshole, and farting CONSTANTLY.

[...]

[Booby Girl is back, the worm coming out of her ass wraps around the other girl in the group, and starts pulling her clothes off… and raping her?]

Lovelock: I held on a while, but honestly, shit-monster tentacle rape softcore porn?  I’m out.

[...]

That scene went on for a really long time.  Booby Girl eventually turns into a giant Fly Monster and goes after Megumi who, ultimately, saves the day.  But not before her shirt gets ripped and her boob is showing for the whole final fight scene, which involves her using farts like a jet pack and flying through the air to fight the Fly Monster eventually shoving a syringe up the monster's ass.  Also there’s more tentacle raping.  This ain't Earth.  It's Japan.

Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering.

I think at this point there are eight of these films.  That puts this one smack dab in the middle of the series, and right at the beginning of Naomi Watts career.  CLEARLY a high point.  This one is more "Village of the Damned" than really a "Children of the Corn" thing in that regular kids get sick and go homicidal.  The film starts off with a woman's nightmare about a kid going all possessed zombie style and slashing her with one of those scythe thingies.  After the credits, we see an insanely young Naomi Watts driving into town, heading back home to visit her family and help with her crazy mom.  Her name is Grace.

[...]

[Farmer Joe takes water out of a well, that appears to have a zombie kid in the bottom.]

Starkwell: The well doesn't look that deep, can't he see that undead blue dude?

[He drinks from his bucket, oh no, it's a bunch of bugs!]

Lovelock: At this point, he's either the victim of some mystical magic, or this is all very Magoovian.

Starkwell: You're not doing the Magoo thing again.

[Zombie kid rises out of the well, kills the farmer, say he's "come for the children".]

Lovelock: Seems like a missed opportunity on the farmer's part to be all "but I'm not a kiddddd…".

Starkwell: Well, I think the zombie kid realizes that.

Lovelock: Unless he's blind.

Starkwell: Don't...

Lovelock: MAGOO-STYLE.

[...]

Looks like the zombie preacher kid is about to infect all the kids in town with the evil spirit.  Looks like Grace's sister and brother have a hot ass fever.  Looks like some shit's about to go down.

[...]

[It wasn't enough that Preacher Kid killed the farmer, he chopped his head off, impaled him on a cross of some kind, and now sets him on fire.]

Starkwell: He's taking his time with that farmer.

[The kids all FLIP THE FUCK OUT simultaneously, fever, convulsion, and then, they seem to go back to normal... or at least they SEEM normal.]

Lovelock: Well, that wasn't so bad.  Is the movie over yet?

[...]

[The kids kill their first victim.]

Starkwell: Did they really have to kill the only black woman in town first?

Lovelock: Kids are racist.

[The Sheriff suspects the husband, IMMEDIATELY and arrests him.]

Lovelock: Racist town I guess.

[...]

[Sheriff follows kid into cornfield, dies.]

Lovelock: That's why I never follow weird kids into a cornfield. At night.

Starkwell: Seems like an obvious thing to avoid doing.

[...]

Then there's a scary thing that happens and Grace wakes up… it was only a dream.  Then something scary happens.  But then she wakes up… it was another dream.  Within a dream.  Right…  It has now become clear that the kids are being possessed by the evil kids from, what I assume, is the original story / book / movie / thing.

[...]

[Crazy twin kids kill doctor.]

Lovelock: I already find twins terrifying enough without them being homicidal possessed demon kids.

Starkwell: Agreed.

[...]

The story moves quickly enough, though predictably.

[...]

[Girl talking to Grace drops a reference to cinematic classic "The Exorcist".]

Lovelock: Why do movies feel the need to do that?

Starkwell: I never know man.

[...]

After the typical "the two random oldest women in town tell the the story of the preacher boy" scene and a few more deaths, we find out that Grace's sister Maragaret is actually her daughter!

[...]

[TELEKINESIS! Flying scythe! Into woman's face!]

Lovelock: Preacher boy IS Darth Vader.

Starkwell: I hate you.

Lovelock: Wait so is her brother also her kid?  If not then her crazy mom had a kid at roughly the same time as her.  What the hell.

[...]

All the zombie kids gather in a barn and start the ceremony where they intend on transferring Preacher Boy's soul into Margaret's body.  Seems like it worked, since Margaret's body went into a bath of blood and Preacher Kid popped out… so…

[...]

[Grace fights Preacher Kid.]

Lovelock: She is totally pulling off that shotgun.

Starkwell: Are you smitten?  You seem pretty smitten.

[...]

Eventually she sprays Preacher Kid with mercury laced water and he melts.  The logic as to why that worked was flawed, at best, and the fact that her daughter wakes up after drowning in blood for ten minutes makes even less sense.  Oh well.

[...]

Starkwell: See, I'd buy it more if she just magically woke up… but the fact that Naomi Watts did CPR on her and THAT woke her up… seems FUCKING DUMB.

[...]

After the movie ended, Lovelock realized that one of the main kids grew up to be on the hit television show "Glee" and was mad at himself for missing potential jokes throughout.

[...]

Lovelock: There were probably like seven good moments to whip out a "Don't Stop Believin'" reference.

Starkwell: Missed opportunities.

Total Retribution.

A fairly low budget, straight-to-video film attempting a sci-fi story involving space undead, is not likely to deliver on everything that it promises.  The fact that I couldn’t find positive reviews doesn’t help the promise all that much.  Not to mention that director Andrew Bellware seems to have spent the bulk of his career, thus far, directing horrible mockbusters.  “Total Retribution” instead of “Recall”?  Not to mention his follow-up “Prometheus Trap”.  Holy cow.  How many people fall for that shit?  And so, without any further ado, Starkwell and Lovelock are stuck watching this mutha’.

[...]

[Woman floats through the sky?  Wakes up in a desert.]

Starkwell: Might be the worst green screens I’ve ever seen.

Lovelock: Waking up naked and confused?  Only Milla Jovovich can pull that shit off.

Starkwell: Pretty bad ‘Jawa’ rip-off too.

[Shots of… space station?]

Starkwell: The bad effects have just been taken up a notch.

Lovelock: And what’s with the young British girl voice for the computer?  That’s another "Resident Evil" Rip-Off!

Starkwell: Yeah, if you’re ripping shit off from THOSE movies, you’re already in a heap of trouble.

[Naked girl runs into a survivor asking her to “KILL ME! PLEASE!”]

Lovelock: Aw! And now we’re stealing from “Alien”?

Starkwell: Super lame.

[...]

So now we cut to some lame “squad” consisting of two people going around making sure everyone’s head is blown.  The acting is bad, the dialogue worse, the story atrocious, and the special effects are well… as bad as the fight choreography.  At this point, Starkwell and Lovelock just want the creepy redhead to put some fucking clothes on.

[...]

[Naked Redhead is… a robot?]

Lovelock: So what?  “Blade Runner” now?

[...]

Then a character in the movie was talking about the pain he is feeling as the virus takes over his body and says “I just wish it would end soon!”  At the exact same time, without skipping a beat, both Lovelock and Starkwell said “I know what you mean.”  Not a good sign at only fifteen minutes into a ninety-ish minute turd.

[...]

Starkwell: I can’t.

Lovelock: Me neither.

[...]

Sometime after the redhead finally put some clothes on, which, from what I can tell, consisted of bicycle shorts, a tube top, and some knee pads, Starkwell and Lovelock both left, unable to deal with this piece of mega-shit.  Eventually half-naked redhead gets herself a duster and they bring it full circle with the “Matrix”.  Also there is time travel I think.  Oh man, this was a bad one.

I Was a Zombie for the F.B.I..

Writer / director of the film, Marius Penczner has only one other credit to his name, that I can gather.  “ZZ Top: Greatest Hits”.  So… Umm… where to begin?  Black and white, zombie comedy, early eighties… involving alien zombie infestations and the F.B.I.?  The potential is through the damn roof.  It just blew the roof right off.  But… potential don’t make a movie.  Unfortunately.  If I had a nickel for every “well it seemed good on paper” that I’ve shown Lovelock and Starkwell… well then I’d probably have more time and money to write.

[...]

[Two thieves, the Brazzo brothers are on a plane, destined for prison.]

Starkwell: Is the whole movie going to look this awful?

Lovelock: The town is called ‘Pleasantville’?

Starkwell: What in the Hell is this soundtrack?

Lovelock: Annoying and distracting.

Starkwell: The radar shots seem like stock footage…

[...]

The music is not only distracting, it’s irritating and is starting to stress everyone out.  Finally the music stops when the plane seemingly explodes.  But then more music starts up.  The FBI agent characters seem dumb as a post.  The Brazzo brothers wake up and seem to be held captive somewhere in a room.

[...]

[Or wait, they’re not being held captive… now they seem to be holding hostages in the UNI-COLA headquarters.  And there’s a magic ball that is making people go all zombie?]

Starkwell: What the… I give up. Plus I can’t handle the fucking soundtrack.  FUUUuuUUUUUCK this.

[Starkwell leaves… Lovelock isn’t any clearer on what’s going on, but he seems to be almost hypnotized by the irritating soundtrack.]

[...]

Lovelock: Either I missed “chapter two” or it jumped directly from one to three…  I’m not sure.  Maybe I just fell asleep at one point.

[...]

Lovelock: So the zombies look like humans and use a magic ball to make zombies and want the Brazzo brothers to steal them a soda recipe?

[...]

Lovelock: That’s like the sphere in “Phantasm” but without the gore or any of the FUCK YOU.

[...]

Puzzled by the music playing in the background, I decided to search the internet… APPARENTLY the original version didn’t have this shitty CONSTANT music playing.  It would appear the DVD release has been tampered with GEORGE LUCAS style.  The difference is that I don’t think anyone involved with the making of the film actually had anything to do with this shitty DVD release.  SO it's simply someone ruining someone else's already pretty fucking bad movie.  Why anyone would try and make an exceptionally low budget MORE unwatchable is totally beyond me.  Anyways, this movie is a piece of shit, borderline unwatchable, ESPECIALLY with the music and added visuals.  Lovelock hangs on until the end but has a look on his face THE WHOLE TIME like his nuts are being stepped on or that he is about to violently shit his pants.

[...]

Lovelock: This.  Movie.  Sucks.

[...]

It is mind boggling that anyone would take a movie from the eighties, release it on DVD while adding shitty generic late nineties drum machine garbage ALL THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE MOVIE. I can’t stress enough how bad this is.  If the music hadn’t been added to the DVD, this would be a boring, bad movie.  With the added music… it’s one of the hardest things to sit through EVER CREATED IN THE HISTORY OF MAN.

[...]

Lovelock: There’s a featurette about the NEW ADDED SOUNDS?

[...]

I showed this to Lovelock and he simultaneously punched a hole in the wall and shit his pants.  The DVD Producers really thought they were making something great here.  Baffling.

The Faculty.

Robert Rodriguez’ resume is a bit of a mixed bag.  I’m not sure which side of the mix the late nineties’ “Faculty” ends up.  But the movie opens up an 'Offspring' song that dates the film IMMEDIATELY.  Anyways, this should be fun.  The film starts off introducing us to the high school, the kids, the faculty and the town, where apparently football is a big deal.

[...]

[Football Coach, played by Robert Patrick, seems possessed.  He drives a pencil through the principal’s hand.]

Lovelock: Are we sure he’s possessed?  I mean, Patrick is pretty evil.  And he’s a football coach.  They’re notoriously asshole-ish too, no?

Starkwell: Ummm… Coach Taylor in "Friday Night Lights" is an honorable and good man, and I would like to have the second part of your comment stricken from the record.

Lovelock:  What about the Robert Patrick thing?

Starkwell: Nah, that’s fine.  He’s the fucking T1000 dude, evil as balls.

[...]

Anyways, Coach and the Drama teacher team up and kill the Principal.  Decent cast, a lot of recognizable faces.  Granted they are really young.  Elijah Wood, Salma Hayek, Famke… is that Jon Stewart?  Lovelock is mostly just making 'Frodo' jokes, so I won’t bother writing those out.

[...]

Starkwell: Jon Stewart as a science teacher?

Lovelock: Is that Usher?

Starkwell: Stewart’s name is Professor Edward Furlong?

Lovelock: They should’ve gotten actual Edward Furlong to play Edward Furlong.

Starkwell: Maybe Robert Patrick didn't want to work with him again.

[...]

So apparently Elijah Wood found some wormy thing on the field, which is some kind of unknown species that has the ability to CLONE stuff. They put it in an aquarium and were on their merry way.  Elijah Wood and Delila figure out what’s going on.  It seems that the whole faculty is infected.

[...]

[Alcoholic teacher, now possessed, is energetic and alert.]

Lovelock: I guess being possessed isn't all bad!  He flew through all the steps like THAT.

Starkwell: You suck.

[...]

There’s a scene where Elijah Wood and another character discuss scienc fiction at great lengths, and they name drop like ten or so movies and writers. It all feels pretty forced, according to Starkwell.  After this conversation, they figure it out.

[...]

[Zeke the Drugdealer Bad Boy, played by Josh Hartnett and I guess one of the good guys, stabs Posessed Jon Stewart with his homemade drug syringe, and Jon starts oozing foam and dies.]

Starkwell: Wait, that high school student has a secret laboratory?

Lovelock: Am I the only one who realizes that caffeine is the secret here?

[They decide they need to find the ‘leader’ and take him/her down.]

Starkwell: If one of them ends up being the leader, it would be pretty weak.

[Delila is one of them.]

Starkwell: Well that’s stupid, why would she have been helping them, get away all this time?

Lovelock: You could park a jumbo jet in that plot hole.

Starkwell: Also, why do they need Zeke's wonderdrug?  Just go get caffeine pills.

[...]

Then there’s a football montage and some more of the cheesiest, most dated late nineties alt rock soundtrack.  In the midst of all this, they lose another guy, former quarterback guy.

[...]

Lovelock: If the Coach is the head alien, wouldn’t it have made sense, thematically, to develop the relationship more between him and the ex-Quarterback… and then NOT make the quarterback an alien?

Starkwell: We don’t know if Coach is the Queen.

[...]

[TWIST: New Girl is the Queen after all.]

Starkwell: Well that twist just doesn’t make any sense at all.  Why?  Why wouldn’t she have just killed them WAY EARLIER?  Aw come on, Rodriguez.

Lovelock: Well at least we get to see her boobies.  Thanks for that, at least, Rodriguez.

Starkwell: He’s just using boobies to distract us from the huge holes in the plot.

Lovelock: Look! Ass!  Tits AND ass!

[...]

He tries to explain why the new girl hung out with them for a while instead of just infecting them, but it’s pretty thin.  You suspect from the moment you first see her on screen, so the fact that it ends up being her could be surprising in how obvious it is, I guess…  After they kill the head alien, everything goes back to normal and EVERYONE GETS THE GIRL.  Jon Stewart is still dead.

Infected.

This was a made for TV production from the later part of last decade.  It stars Judd Nelson and was filmed in Montreal.  The film is SET in Boston.  So it literally brings together the two towns that Starkwell and Lovelock have called home.  They can’t wait to see if they can recognize some locations.  This will, at the very least, keep them occupied if the film ends up fully sucking.  I should note, that the director seems to have, other than this film, mostly directed children’s programs such as “iCarly”.  The film starts up quickly, some Pharma company is selling everyone in Boston ‘clean’ water after the Boston Plague has infected a buttload of people.  The story starts off focused on some people searching for proof that the Pharma company is crooked.

[...]

[Cop named Taylor tells a reporter about the conspiracy, that involves city officials and the Pharma company, then goes and assassinates the mayor and grabs a blood sample.]

Starkwell: Wait is he… infected… or an alien… or has the plague… or?

Lovelock: I recognize that guy!  He was in local commercials and shit.

Starkwell: He’s come a long way… I guess…

[...]

Anyways, there’s a bunch of action, and eventually we see what the aliens look like under the human skin, and then the alien eats a girl, zombie style.  Lovelock cheered.  Starkwell was all “WTF”.  I guess the reporter, Lisa Wallace, is the main character along with her former boyfriend, other reporter, named Ben.

[...]

[Taylor gives Ben the Mayor’s black blood sample to give to Lisa, and then dies.]

Lovelock: I smell a love triangle.

Starkwell: There are only two people… it’s not a triangle.  It’s just a line.

Lovelock: You’ve reached the LOVELINE!

Starkwell: What?

Lovelock: With sexy complications.

Starkwell: I give up.

[...]

It’s a decent story, but it’s dragging a bit.  I believe Lovelock said more than once “someone turn alien, someone eat someone, someone do something, someone what the fuck something”.

[...]

[Lisa’s boss tries to kill Lisa and Ben with her weird insect arms that came out of her stomach, and then Judd Nelson saves the day.  Turns out he is one of the aliens.]

Starkwell: Why is he talking like that?

Lovelock: I guess English isn’t his first language.

Starkwell: Well yeah he's an ALIEN, but the other aliens talk normally.

Lovelock: The aliens can talk how ever they want, as long as they start eating people.

[...]

For a little while they made fun of how OBVIOUS it was that it was Montreal, and yet they are calling it Boston.

[...]

Starkwell: Why not just say it’s Montreal?  Why say Boston, but then show Montreal skylines?  It’s not like it HAS to be Boston for this thin plot to hold.

Lovelock: Harsh.  But true.

[They even show bridges leading onto an island.  I mean, COME ON.]

Starkwell: If you like Geography then you’ll love NOT THIS MOVIE.

Lovelock: All they need to do next is show French road signs and shit, and really take their overall geographical disregard up a notch.

[Then the villain referenced Nova Scotia.]

[...]

All in all, the movie is pretty schizophrenic.  One minute the aliens are eating people, the next minute they can move around like ‘The Flash’, and then the next minute they can turn their hands into claws or something.  Right after reporter Ben took a needle and extracted bone marrow from himself Starkwell just lost interest and left.

[...]

[So Ben is apparently the cure for the Boston Plague.  The worms that possess people die if they are in contact with him.]

Lovelock: What are the odds that a gutsy Boston reporter would be the cure?

[Then he started laughing and left.]

[...]

After a fist fight with a giant ant and a couple of ‘splosions, the film resolves itself in a stupid way that doesn’t really make sense and is not worth talking about.  Well, at least they showed a helicopter shot of actual Boston.

Cape Canaveral Monsters.

There ain’t a whole lot out there about this movie.  What I have read about it, leads me to believe that I shouldn’t expect much.

[...]

[Couple hangs out on the beach, lights flash on a rock.]

Lovelock: Were those lights supposed to be something?

Starkwell: The music leads me to believe that 'yes'…

[Two lights flash in front of their windshield as they drive away, they crash… into… nothing?]

Starkwell: How did the guy’s arm end up in the back seat?

Lovelock: I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck is going on.

[The music is completely insane and loud.  Credits play.]

Lovelock: So… were they possessed by those lights?

Starkwell: I guess.  Holy Hell, this music needs to stop.  My head already hurts so much.

[...]

We see laboratory shots, rockets flying, plenty of Cape Canaveral stock footage, and shots of people looking surprised.  Then the rocket blows up.

[...]

Lovelock: I love that they put huge glasses on an actress and assumed that would be enough to make her look like a scientist.

Starkwell: She looks more like a scientist than that old guy.  He looks like a homeless man.

[...]

This movie is incredibly hard to follow, partly because it is incoherent and makes no sense, and partly because the director chooses to occasionally use camera angles that I assume are supposed to be “FIRST PERSON VIEW”, but really do little more than give the audience motion sickness.  Lovelock imagined what this would have looked like in a movie theater, and then he puked.  Starkwell wondered if this camera trick was ahead of its time.  Then he puked for inadvertently complimenting the film.   

[...]

[We see the possessed zombie alien people, being chased by dogs, and they pull his arm (back) off.]

Starkwell: If they have the technology to travel across the universe, and inhabit the bodies of other lifeforces… you’d think they’d be able to do a better job sewing an arm back on.

[The aliens decide they need a new arm, so they need to find a living arm to replace his stump with.]

Starkwell: Why wouldn’t he just possess a new body entirely?  Why would keep the broken torn apart one?

[Lovelock had nothing to say, because after he vomited, he fell asleep.]

[...]

Apparently the aliens are there to prevent humans from figuring out how to space travel.  At one point the alien woman said “PERFECTLY CLEAR” and looked directly at the camera.  Starkwell laughed out loud so hard it woke Lovelock up from his slumber.  The missile explosions are actually pretty impressive, considering how shitty balls the rest of the film is.

[...]

Lovelock: Seriously, why did they bother have him lose an arm?  It would be one thing if the actor only HAD one arm, so they wrote it into the story, but instead, we get a lame ass dude with an arm tucked into his pants.

[...]

Rather than focus on their mission, or how they will prevent man from traveling through space, the aliens spend the bulk of their time finding healthy specimens to farm body parts from.  It’s all much lamer and more boring than it sounds.  I think the aliens teleport two humans to their planet, for their hometeam scientists to examine.  Did I mention that there’s a bad actor playing a hillbilly who waves around a shotgun wearing full body onezee pyjamas?

[...]

Lovelock: Detectives ALWAYS have mustaches in these old movies.

[...]

Eventually, and thankfully, the film ends.

[...]

Lovelock: They were just trying to get home.  Like E.T.

Starkwell: No.  No they weren’t.

Lovelock: Weren’t they?  Geez… maybe they weren’t.  What the heck was this movie?

Starkwell: Bad.

[...]

After all is said and done, the humans blow up the cave where the aliens had their lab, the cops drive away and then you hear screaming and a crash and we see the lights again.  Do I smell a sequel?  No.  Not ever.  Thankfully.