Spooks Run Wild.

This was one in a series of films featuring the East Side Kids.  They seem to be something like the Hardy Boys meets the Three Stooges meets a bunch of tough guy greasers from the ghetto meets the Little Rascals (?) .  This one ALSO features Bela Lugosi in his usual role of ‘creepy dude who lives in a mansion and reanimates dead people’.

[...]

[We meet the gang as they go around town and gawk at the local soda shop girl.]

Lovelock: Is his name Muggsy?

Starkwell: Obviously.

[The radio tells them that there is a monster killer on the loose.]

Starkwell: That’s not really clear if it’s a person who kills monster or a killer who happens to be a monster.

Lovelock: Or just someone who kills like A LOT.  Like a monster amount.

[...]

The story seems confused.  I don’t know who all of these characters are.  I’m not even sure what the deal is with the East Side Kids, why they’re in that town and especially, why they’re at a hospital of some kind.  So far the entire dialogue is made up of terrible one liners… Oh wait they’re going to summer camp.

[...]

Lovelock: Best camp movie since “Ernest Goes to Camp”.

Starkwell: Wait… what?  Aren’t they a little old for summer camp?

Lovelock: Aren’t they a little old to be called ‘kids’?

[I guess maybe you need to have seen the other East Side Kids movies to get into it and understand...]

[...]

We see Lugosi for the first time and he seems to have some kind of dwarf assistant and a rad cape, obviously.  We are also introduced to Von Grosch, who is apparently hunting Lugosi and his dwarf.

[...]

[The gang plays in a graveyard and PeeWee gets shot by the grave digger.]

Lovelock:  What the?  Shoot first ask questions later?

Starkwell: That dude straight up shot at a group of kids with a rifle... they were just walking!

Lovelock: They don’t even seem shocked, at all.  Like NOT AT ALL.

Starkwell: His fucking name is PeeWee.

[...]

There are some strange cuts here and there.  The transfer looks and sounds terrible, which is understandable and forgivable, given that this is seventy years old.  So the gang takes PeeWee to Lugosi’s new mansion and Lugosi promises to fix him up.

[...]

[The gang thinks PeeWee is dead.]

Lovelock: I hope he is dead.

Starkwell: Harsh.  Like in real life?  He probably is... jerk.

Lovelock: Hey man, I’m just looking for something to happen.

[PeeWee sits up and walks away without saying a word.]

Lovelock: SweeeeeEEEEeeet.

[The gang thinks PeeWee is a zombie.]

[...]

They knock Lugosi over and wrap his dwarf up in a blanket like a little burrito.  I think Starkwell said something like “well that’s no way to treat your host”.  Then, rather than leaving they explore around like an idiotic Scooby-Doo gang gone (more) stupid.

[...]

[LUGOSI EYES.]

Lovelock: I guess you can’t really have Lugosi and not do a CREEPY EYES shot.

[...]

[The ‘kids’ jump on each other’s shoulders and disguise as a super grim reaper thing and scare Lugosi.]

Lovelock: Skeletor?

Starkwell: Is it just me or did Lugosi phone this one in?

Lovelock: I can’t tell if he’s acting scared or laughing or both.

Starkwell: He's probably laughing at us.  For watching this.

[...]

The cops show up just in time to catch the REAL monster killer, not Lugosi, but the Von Grosch guy from earlier.  PeeWee is fine, he was apparently jut sleepwalking, and Lugosi isn’t a monster or vampire or zombie master after all… he’s a magician, which might be even scarier.  After the cops catch Monster Killer, Lugosi performs a magic trick for everyone… for some reason the girl from the soda shop is there which makes no sense.  Then it ends WAY abruptly after two of the East Side Kids almost kiss each other after beng fooled by Magic Lugosi.   Yeah.

The Man With Two Lives.

If not for box sets that combine a whole ton of random old movies, some films would likely be forgotten forever.  In some cases, the film is probably best left forgotten, but at times, long lost gems are unearthed.  Anyways, let’s let Allen Starkwell and Lionel Lovelock see if this moving picture from the forties is a gem or a dud.  The good news is, if it’s a dud, it’s only about an hour long.

[...]

[GRAINY OPENING CREDITS.]

Starkwell: I feel a little sea sick.

Lovelock: Life in the forties was shakier, full of motion sickness and scratches.

Starkwell: That didn’t make any sense.

Lovelock: Didn’t it?

Starkwell: No.  No, it didn’t.

[...]

[Engagement party.]

Lovelock: Am I crazy, or is this the worst party ever?

Starkwell: You’re not crazy.  Half of these people look like they want to kill themselves.

Lovelock: Yeah, and the other half already look dead.  From boredom.

Starkwell: I know how they feel.

[...]

They began to doze off, but then there was a surprisingly high speed car crash killing Philip, the groom-to-be, and they woke up laughing and commenting about the dangers of fiddling with radio knobs while driving towards a truck really fast.  Then Philip is brought back to life in the lamest mad scientist resurrection scene ever filmed.  Lovelock lost all hope.  Starkwell kept hoping for some social commentary to creep in.

[...]

[Philip has amnesia.]

Lovelock: Apparently in the forties, the undead were basically the same as they were before death, except they don’t remember much, and are quite grouchy.

Starkwell: Sounds more like an alcoholic.  And now he is at the bar – drinking.  Maybe the film is trying to comment on alcoholism, and how it can affect the people around you.

Lovelock: Well, it’s a considerably less severe side effect then eating people. And a lot less fun to watch. 

Starkwell: …

Lovelock: That’s why I never drink.

Starkwell: Yeah, that’s why… wait… you do drink.

Lovelock: Yeah but not like people in the nineteen forties.

[...]

Then Philip started hanging out with bad dudes, and shooting people, and hitting on loose women.  It’s like he has TWO LIVES.  Starkwell liked the idea enough, and assumes that Philip is just downward spiralling into the pit of alcoholism, saying “I assume all of this is because of cursed alcohol.  In fact, he was probably drunk while driving the night that he crashed.”  Lovelock just said something about how much this all sucks.

[...]

[Philip chokes woman.]

Lovelock: Is Wayne Brady gonna hafta choke a bitch?

Starkwell: I love that as she is being choked she says, quite matter of factly, “your hands are on my neck, you’re choking me.”

Lovelock: Well how else would we know what is happening, since the director decided to pan over to the desk?

[...]

Then there was a lengthy discussion between the three oldest actors ever involving the soul, and the transmigration of the soul that put Lovelock to sleep.  Sometime after watching a shootout between Philip and to coppers, Starkwell turned to sleeping Lovelock and woke him up by shouting “SOUL TRANSMIGRATION” in is face.  Lovelock did not find it very funny.  Then the old fogies discovered that the Panini Serial Killer guy was executed on the night that they revived Philip.  And they all look at each other and thought SOUL TRANSMIGRATION.  Then Philip killed some people, and one of the old guys kills Philip.

[...]

[PHILIP WAKES UP IN BED AND IT WAS ALL JUST A TERRIBLE DREAM.]

Starkwell: Wait… there was no transmigration of the soul?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

Starkwell: Is he an alcoholic?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

Starkwell: So there's no actual re-animated corpse?

Lovelock: Man, fuck this movie.

[...]

Then it abruptly said THE END for a half a second and the DVD stops.  Lovelock let out a small but meaningful scream and Starkwell just sat there wondering what the point was.  Answer: There was none.